book of job
i have a laundry list of things that have understatedly tested me this year. and multiple people would agree that, by far, i have had the worst 2020 than anyone they know. one had even lovingly/jokingly renamed me "Job." and here i was, thinking to myself that there was less than a day left in 2020, and of course, in true 2020 fashion-- it did not spare me.
after much debating, i thought this would be an appropriate homage/focus to a year that had repeatedly taken so much from me. the question-- what has this year given me?
(apologies if its Joycean and off-tenses) i have learned to hold a straight face so much better-- which will be convenient for deposition-taking and future poker lol. i have learned to compartmentalize so much more effectively-- that when i feel like i'm internally crumbling, my face would not even show the slightest indication. this was only achievable by designating time for collapse, written into some part of each day. i feel like the notion of being waterboarded with pain just helped me become much more composed and resolute. i found myself immediately making lists in my head about the steps i could to take to solve X problem, and felt even just the slightest accomplishment when i could just continue to progressively check off boxes, despite insurmountable lists. and i was realistic with myself about my expectations. and i was honest when i knew certain things were either an uphill battle or could not be repaired.
i have become so much kinder to myself. and so much more forgiving. and so much more supportive and brave. and i feel like this version of myself could only have been developed through temper (no pun intended). and while i am not the biggest bukowski fan, this quote i remember seems most appropriate "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
2020 transformed me. grief, suffering, challenges-- they don't change you, they reveal you. so i suppose i have 2020 to be grateful for that.
after much debating, i thought this would be an appropriate homage/focus to a year that had repeatedly taken so much from me. the question-- what has this year given me?
(apologies if its Joycean and off-tenses) i have learned to hold a straight face so much better-- which will be convenient for deposition-taking and future poker lol. i have learned to compartmentalize so much more effectively-- that when i feel like i'm internally crumbling, my face would not even show the slightest indication. this was only achievable by designating time for collapse, written into some part of each day. i feel like the notion of being waterboarded with pain just helped me become much more composed and resolute. i found myself immediately making lists in my head about the steps i could to take to solve X problem, and felt even just the slightest accomplishment when i could just continue to progressively check off boxes, despite insurmountable lists. and i was realistic with myself about my expectations. and i was honest when i knew certain things were either an uphill battle or could not be repaired.
i have become so much kinder to myself. and so much more forgiving. and so much more supportive and brave. and i feel like this version of myself could only have been developed through temper (no pun intended). and while i am not the biggest bukowski fan, this quote i remember seems most appropriate "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
2020 transformed me. grief, suffering, challenges-- they don't change you, they reveal you. so i suppose i have 2020 to be grateful for that.