not yet
i have been having an identity crisis as of late. i thought that my failure from the Bar would roll over, as it did upon finding out the initial news and the following week. however, it aggressively consumed me the month or so after. i would quite literally lay in bed the entire day, staring at my ceiling. and it wasn't like i was in denial of it all, it was just that-- i had put so much stock into this, this-- fucking thing-- you know. sweat, tears, blood, 12-14 hours a day for 3 months. and it didn't fucking work. it did not pan out the way i wanted it to. and for the past month or so, past year, really, i've felt like a shell of my normal self.
and who is my normal self? someone who is patient, and motivated, and not to be deterred/crippled by setbacks. someone who takes what is theirs and doesn't wait for it to be handed to her! everyone thinks, "new year, new me," but all i can think about is, "new year, old me!" 2019 was like any other year tbh, much to be celebrated and much to be mourned. however, what i did not like was i was getting complacent about a lot of things. my life was getting cushiony and i felt like i wasn't pushing myself. i wasn't working because i had to study for the Bar. i let myself "go" physically. and that's honestly where a lot of my self-esteem comes from: my physical capabilities and my work ethic.
that said, i am on track once again. because i know that i've licked my wounds for long enough and need to, quite frankly, get the fuck over myself. for the sake of my future dogs, and my future career, and life with E. this past week, i have tried to be much kinder to myself and am trying to reduce my mantra to two very rudimentary principles just "show up" and "do the thing." whether it be study or run or bike, just show up and do the thing. one foot after the other; one subject after another.
i know i can do this. i can do this. i have to remind myself that i am so, so, very close to the person i want to become. keep going!
[also, i just read my previous entry and i made myself cry. LOL. that entry is the vibe. that is the one that my heart should remember and focus on!]
and who is my normal self? someone who is patient, and motivated, and not to be deterred/crippled by setbacks. someone who takes what is theirs and doesn't wait for it to be handed to her! everyone thinks, "new year, new me," but all i can think about is, "new year, old me!" 2019 was like any other year tbh, much to be celebrated and much to be mourned. however, what i did not like was i was getting complacent about a lot of things. my life was getting cushiony and i felt like i wasn't pushing myself. i wasn't working because i had to study for the Bar. i let myself "go" physically. and that's honestly where a lot of my self-esteem comes from: my physical capabilities and my work ethic.
that said, i am on track once again. because i know that i've licked my wounds for long enough and need to, quite frankly, get the fuck over myself. for the sake of my future dogs, and my future career, and life with E. this past week, i have tried to be much kinder to myself and am trying to reduce my mantra to two very rudimentary principles just "show up" and "do the thing." whether it be study or run or bike, just show up and do the thing. one foot after the other; one subject after another.
i know i can do this. i can do this. i have to remind myself that i am so, so, very close to the person i want to become. keep going!
[also, i just read my previous entry and i made myself cry. LOL. that entry is the vibe. that is the one that my heart should remember and focus on!]