Jessica's Secret Diary, Volume III
Jessica's Secret Diary, Volume III
Welcome to yet another Sweet Valley Clip Show! Er, I mean, another Super Steamy Secret Diary! Same difference, really. Like the other diaries, it's just recaps of old Sweet Valley High books with a random subplot thrown in. In this one, it's not even a very interesting subplot aside from some Mr. Collins-style perviness.
So, the cover really isn't all that snarkable. It's just Jessica's head, and she looks exactly the same as she will in a few years when she's in college. And that beach vacation? Expired in August 1997. But that's okay, because the beach is in Miami, not Sweet Valley. Suck. I bet the ToddPunches and pool pushes aren't nearly as satisfying there.
The book starts out with Jessica coming home with Michael Lewis after a date. I have no idea if Michael Lewis has ever appeared before or since this book, but apparently he's got "a chin that juts out like a movie star's." I'm picturing Jay Leno. He's also got a soft southern drawl. Now I'm picturing Logan Bruno. At least the ghostwriter didn't feel compelled to write the drawl out phonetically, unlike some authors--yes, I'm looking at you, Ann M. Martin!
It's the third or fourth date, which is when most teenage guys start expecting to get laid. Michael, on the other hand, starts expecting exclusivity. He tells Jessica that "when two people feel this way about each other, there's no reason to date anyone else, ever." Honestly, what high school boy talks like that?
Jessica says she wants to play the field, so he dumps her. Because deep down, all any hormonally-charged adolescent boy really wants is...a serious commitment. Oh, wait, this is Sweet Valley, where sex is something that happens to other people.
The next day, Jessica and Elizabeth hang out by their pool with Lila, Amy, Enid, and Maria Slater at their biweekly inter-clique meeting of characters who don't really like each other but have to spend several pages of small talk introducing themselves to the reader, one after another, even though we already know who they are.
The main point of cramming these characters together is so that everyone can laugh at Jessica for not having a serious boyfriend. "You've always had a problem with commitment," Amy insists. Always? She's only sixteen! Is Amy counting fear of cooties as part of Jessica's years and years of relationship phobia?
But really, Jessica. Just because you've had three boyfriends die this year is no reason to have commitment issues. Oh, hold on. That's an excellent reason to have commitment issues. Jessica considers pushing Amy into the pool, and I am supremely disappointed that she doesn't.
The girls begin teasing Jessica over her lack of a date for the dance that Friday night (This week's dance theme: "Twenty-Six Days without an Attempted Date Rape!"). Elizabeth shakes her head in pity for her sister, and Jess thinks, "I detest having people feel sorry for me." Hey, cut Liz some slack. It's the only thing she's good at.
Jessica insists that she'll be able to find a date, and Lila comments, "Maybe Steven's free that night." Don't even joke about that, Li.
Eerily, Jessica does ask a Steve to the dance in the very next scene. It's Steve Anderson, but you'd think the ghostwriter could have come up with a different name in this particular instance. Any name. Even Durwood. Anyway, Steve's already got a girlfriend, Suzanne Devlin of fake-rape and MS-that's-actually-mono fame. Jessica briefly considers trying to break them up before deciding it isn't worth it. Oh, Jess. You and your charming sociopathy.
Unfortunately, Jessica has no better luck finding a date the rest of the day. "What's wrong with this town?" she asks Elizabeth after school. "Can you be more specific?" Elizabeth replies. Yeah, no kidding. Where do you want us to start? The crappy police force or the suspicious absence of minority characters?
It turns out she's just wondering why absolutely every student at Sweet Valley High seems to be paired up with someone. It's obvious, Jess. They've all finally accepted the truth that only the most pitiful losers are single. Have you not been paying attention?
By Friday, the unthinkable has happened: Jessica still doesn't have a date, so she stays home. From a school dance. Is that even legal? After Elizabeth and their parents have left the house, she puts in a movie her mother rented and freaks out when she sees the title: Checkered Houses, directed by Charles Sampson and dedicated to Jessica Wakefield. She starts crying, runs upstairs, and pulls out her diary.
Wow, I've only just finished the prologue. This could take awhile.
The diary picks up at the start of Steven's Bride. Jessica is horrified to learn that Cara is moving to London, leaving behind her friends, her boyfriend, and her tan! Jessica is so unhappy for her friend that she actually gives her a shoulder squeeze. Somewhere, Liz is looking on with condescending approval.
Never fear, though. Lila offers to throw a party when she comes across an old party invitation she'd made with "ultra-high-tech" computer graphics. George Fowler the computer magnate is rocking an Apple IIe. I'll bet money on it. Cara turns down the offer, though. First I'm denied a pool push. Then I miss out on seeing a school dance. Now I fail to witness a party? WHAT KIND OF HALF-ASSED SWEET VALLEY BOOK IS THIS, ANYWAY?
As she and Sam watch Love Story, Jessica compares it to Steven and Cara's situation, calling Cara's move "almost as tragic" as death. Really? Can the dead call, write, or come home for visits? Shut up, Olivia. Then, Jessica comes up with the idea for Steven and Cara to get married. "Luckily," Steven is home. Luck has nothing to do with it; Steven's home more often than their parents are.
Steven loves the idea. For some reason. Also, "When Steven smiles, he is one of the most gorgeous hunks you have ever seen. Even if he is my brother. No, especially since he's my brother!" That'll be enough of that, thank you.
Anyway, Steven proposes, Liz meddles, Cara gets cold feet, and so forth. Jessica sympathizes with Cara's fear, though. "It sounds like a long, long time to spend with one person. Even if the person happens to be my brother, Steven, whom I admire more than anyone." I mean it, Jess. Stop it.
Steven and Cara continue with their plans, including renting a tiny apartment. Um, do either Steven or Cara have jobs? How can they afford any apartment, no matter the size? Or are they expecting to keep getting allowances after they get married?
By now pretty much all of Sweet Valley knows about the engagement except for Steven and Cara's parents. When Sam finds out, he comments, "I knew something was up between you and Steven the other day, when we were watching Love Story and all of a sudden you kicked me out of the house." Oh, Sam. Don't you start, too.
Thanks to a little Liz-like snooping, Jessica discovers that Steven is sacrificing an important opportunity for Cara. She does a 180 and suddenly, "THEY ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED. It's that simple. I was the one who made this engagement happen. I'll be the one who stops it!" I decide who lives or dies! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!
After some random wackiness and melodrama, the engagement is canceled and Cara goes off to "London, the royal family, and Big Ben." That sums up London, all right. A monarchy and a single landmark. I believe that's the tourist slogan now.
Next up is The Stolen Diary. Jessica is so pissed off at the twins' broken-down Fiat that she wants to punch someone. She doesn't. So we've got no pool pushes, no dances, no parties, and no punching. Are we in Bizarro Sweet Valley? Veet Swalley?
Anyway, Liz isn't paying attention to Jessica's complaints because Todd has dumped her. Jessica is furious, and helps her sister by distracting her from the break-up and shielding her from Alice's "maternal interrogation" about Todd. Since when does Alice have maternal anything? Jessica submits to the "Spanish-tiled Inquisition" in her place.
Elizabeth starts dating/using Kris Lynch, and Jessica catches on to his creepy vibe right away. Of course, it's not hard when he approaches her at the beach and they share an exchange that, basically, goes:
Kris: So, Elizabeth likes me, right?
Jess: Uh, actually she--
Kris: Because instincts! And karma!
Jess: Well, that's--
Kris: Meant to be!!!
Jess: I don't know if--
Kris: SPIRITUAL CONNECTION!!1!!!
Jess: (backs away slowly)
Elizabeth sets the Guinness World Record for Worst Breakup Ever. Kris goes on to prove that he isn't psycho at all by stealing her diary and using the information in it to destroy her life. Enid and Todd forget precisely what being "Saint Elizabeth of Sweet Valley" entails and everyone at SVH believes that Kris and Liz spent a wild night at Miller's Point. Ah, Miller's Point. The second base capital of the world.
Jessica sets everything right, however, and everything is hugs and crying. Kris is never heard from again. I'd like to think that one day he and Margo meet, bond over their shared obsession with Liz, and live a long, happy life full of schizophrenic rants and stabbings.
Soap Star! Jessica wants to audition for twin roles on The Young at the Beautiful. Elizabeth says soaps are "all fluff and no substance," with no "moral or intellectual value." So's your entire book series, Liz. What's your point?
Thanks to Jessica, Lila, and Mr. Fowler's Apple IIe, Liz is tricked into going to the audition. They're Wakefields, so of course they get the parts without even trying. Jessica meets Brandon Hunter, a soap star with eyes "the same warm brown color as hot chocolate." I guess Brandon's eyes are like Todd's, only with less caffeine.
Jessica and Brandon go to all kinds of galas and social events together, but apparently the tabloids don't report on the twenty-something actor partying with the underage high schooler. Ned and Alice even approve of him, although that's not so surprising, given their parenting track record.
Sam doesn't approve, though, for obvious reasons. They argue, but later Sam shows up at the door to apologize. Dressed as Batman. I don't know why. Maybe it's their kink or something. Unfortunately, the power of spandex and a grappling hook can only get you so far, and they end up fighting again. Fortunately, Jessica overhears some clunky exposition that saves the day. "Wow, Brandon, using that high school girl for your own personal gain has worked out well!" "Yes, Random Character, my evil plan has worked out perfectly! What a chump!" "Oh, Brandon, you're such a jerkwad! Ha ha!" "Yes, I am! Watch me twirl my mustache! Ha ha!"
Jessica is not pleased.
Because of some wacky twin revenge antics, their final episode will be filmed live. That's the kind of hackneyed plot point truly worthy of a soap opera. It's like they're in a soap within a soap. Metasoap?
Jessica declares her love for Sam on live television and they make up. Sam asks her to postpone acting for awhile, and she agrees. But then a man in a Mustang pulls up alongside her while she's riding her bike and calls her over. She thinks, "Men who call to teenage girls from moving cars are the kinds of Men Our Mothers Warn Us About." Well, not your mother, Jess. Which is probably why she ignores the thought and starts talking to him.
He's Charles Sampson, a twentysomething director/producer who thinks Jessica has "something special." And that just now was the sound of my Creep-o-Meter going off. He gives her his card and tells her to call him. She keeps the card but decides she'll never call. The end.
Yeah, right. She gets bored and calls him the day after Sam leaves for Colorado (signaling the start of Jessica Against Bruce). They meet at a coffee bar called "L'Autre Chose," which is supposed to sound fancy but actually just means "The Other Thing" in French. She rationalizes meeting the strange man by figuring that maniacs don't drive Mustangs or have business cards. Yeah, maniacs only drive Ferraris, although they do have business cards that say "Professional Maniac" on them. It's Maniac Union regulations.
Charles wants her to star in a movie he's directing. Jessica thinks of Sam and turns him down, but he insists that "I won't take no for an answer." Jess, are you absolutely sure he's not a maniac? Because that registered at least a six on my Creep-o-Meter.
So, to get her mind off Charles Sampson, Jessica joins Bruce's Fight Club X. The rush of performing the dares is almost as good as when she and Sam "are necking at Miller's Point." Necking? When did Jessica turn 80?
Elizabeth, of course, wants Jessica to quit. She finally just asks Jess not to do anything she wouldn't do. So, Jessica is still free to cheat on her boyfriend and meddle in affairs that don't concern her, then. Got it.
Ultimately Bruce dares Jessica to cross a narrow train trestle bridge, and she does it. Partway across, she's startled by a crow. Don't feel bad, Jess. You may have been startled, but Bruce seriously needs a change of pants right now.
Hey, Bruce.
After she's nearly run over by a train, Jessica finally quits Club X. She gets grounded, but Elizabeth agrees to a twin switch so Jessica can go see Sam. Dressed as Liz, she meets him at the Dairi Burger, leads him outside, and kisses him. I bet Sam is thinking about the fling he once had with Elizabeth. Oh, wait. He knew it was Jessica the whole time. Riiiiiight.
And speaking of kissing other girl's guys, it's on to My Best Friend's Boyfriend. First, though, Liz has to tackle freedom of the press. How come Sweet Valley only ever seems to deal with the First Amendment? Why not a Very Special Sweet Valley book that takes on the Second Amendment? For example, Elizabeth buys a Glock but Jessica tries to convince her to go with the much sexier AK-47. Or how about the Third Amendment? Elizabeth befriends a whole platoon of orphan soldiers with eating disorders and lets them move in with the Wakefields! Think of the wacky fun!
Once Jessica convinces Elizabeth to run with her sexual harassment article, the whole Scooby Gang discusses the topic. Lila says, "Of course, I know how to handle myself in any situation." Oh, Lila. Poor Lila. John Pfeiffer (throws rotten vegetables) is kind of dismissive of the issue. Oh, John. Dickweed John.
By the way, Denise and Ginny share a boyfriend or something. Seriously, Jessica recaps the whole thing in about half a page. Which is kind of how long that plot should have been in the first place. The best part, though, is that Jessica points out that pretty much the same thing happened twenty books ago. When even Jessica Wakefield notices that the ghostwriters are ripping off ideas from each other, you know you're screwed.
So everything gets wrapped up neatly, but a few days later Sam breaks a date with Jessica to meet a dirt bike racer named Minks Janks. Snigger. Jessica can't believe "you're standing me up so you can have fun getting greasy with some big, hairy guy," and I am not even going to touch that line. No freaking way.
But Sam laughs and explains that Jessica has it all wrong. You see, Minks is "a thin, pretty girl!" Well, that makes everything just fine, doesn't it? Oh, Sam. You're normally so much smarter than that. Jessica slams the door in his face and later calls Charles Sampson so they can talk about his movie over breakfast. Oh, it's a revenge breakfast.
The next morning, Charles explains his movie, Checkered Houses, and the role he wants Jessica to play, Blythe Carson. "She's a girl on the brink of womanhood, wholesome, but sexy..." Jessica at first thinks he's asking her to do a porno. Heh. I bet Jessica does end up doing porno after college.
Charles insists that it's actually a very classy movie and outlines the plot. Jessica is surprised to hear that it's important for her to actually read a script. Oh, she is so going to be in porno.
A few days later, after they've made up, Jessica casually brings up her acting skills to Sam. He replies, "Let's try them out right now. You act like you can't keep your hands off me, and I'll--" See? Even Sam thinks Jessica has a career in porno ahead of her.
Jessica hints that she might like to try acting again, like in a play or (cough) movie. Something that would only take "a month or so." A month? What kind of movie only takes a month to film? Other than porno, I mean. It doesn't matter, though, because Sam basically forbids Jessica to act professionally ever again. No compromise, no discussion. What's going on? Usually I like Sam, but lately he's been kind of a jerk. I'll let it slide, though, if only because he's going to die tragically in about eight more books. Oh. I made myself sad.
Next, Jessica and Liz go into business in Love Letters for Sale. Jessica angsts about how much she loves the Checkered Houses script but is afraid to tell Sam she wants to star in a movie. Oh, and she wants to paint her room. These are, apparently, equally momentous decisions in her life.
So, random anonymous letter mailing and writing. Todd and Elizabeth almost break up. I almost care. Jessica adds the words "spiffy" and "hunky-dory" to her strangely old-timey vocabulary. She also writes an entry that goes along the lines of, "Dear Diary, I'm utterly depressed and miserable over screwing over my own sister. Oh, and I decided to paint my room purple! Isn't that totally cool?" Yeah, clearly she's just devastated.
Later, Jessica sneaks out to go with Charles Sampson to a party full of producers, actors, and other Hollywood big shots. And they all watch trashy soaps, because every single one recognizes Jess from her week-long stint on The Young and the Beautiful. The next day, when Sam asks where she was, she lies and says she was helping Lila with a bad-hair-day crisis. I doubt Lila would be amused at this.
While Elizabeth the Saint prepares to become Elizabeth Betrayed, Jessica schmoozes movie investors and helps Charles with script changes. Oh, come on! What kind of film director depends this heavily on a high school student?
Jessica continues lying to Sam about what she's doing behind his back, still using Lila's chronic bad hair as an excuse. I can't believe Lila hasn't had Jessica killed yet. I also have to mention that Dana Larson wears a "press-on nose stud." Because God forbid anyone in Sweet Valley actually get pierced.
Finally, Jessica decides to tell Charles she can't star in his movie. She meets him at Jackson's Bluff, which is "a beautiful spot" where Big Mesa kids go to make out. Really? You'd think those scuzzy Big Mesa kids would have to settle for making out in a junkyard.
She starts crying as she apologizes for letting him down, and Charles (who is at least ten years older than Jessica is) slides closer to her and touches her chin with his finger. My Creep-o-Meter is now pinging at nine. Then he puts his arms around her and kisses her. Charles Sampson belongs to the Roger Collins School of Comforting Teenage Girls.
Speaking of Mr. Collins, Elizabeth is temporary editor-in-chief of The Oracle and she's panicking because almost the entire staff is out sick with the flu. They aren't sick, Liz. They're just avoiding you. Fortunately Jessica and "Whizzer" Wilkins help out. So does Rod Sullivan, who is Olivia Davidson's boyfriend and TOTALLY JUST FRIENDS WITH ELIZABETH! REALLY!
Elizabeth gets accused of plagiarism and Jessica discovers the joys of honesty. Of course, that honesty conveniently doesn't include telling Sam about Charles Sampson, Charles' movie, or Charles' busy hands. Anyway, Elizabeth finally is cleared and everything is back to giggles and ice cream.
Except that now Lila's got her eye on John Pfeiffer (throws rotten vegetables and really big rocks). Lila, please, Don't Go Home With John!
Sam and Jessica get hot and heavy in Sam's car, which makes her nervous. "I knew Elizabeth could see us from inside the house, if she was near a window." Oh, she is, Jessica. Elizabeth Wakefield is always looking through a window at someone. When Jessica talks to her sister about her worries, Elizabeth asks, "You think Todd and I just shake hands and give each other a peck on the cheek?" Well, yeah, we kinda do think that, Liz.
A few days later, Jessica is concerned about Lila, who's acting strange. In the next entry, we learn that Lila confronted John (throws rotten vegetables, really big rocks, and poison darts) at her costume party and revealed that he tried to rape her. Jessica wants to scratch his eyes out. Elizabeth restrains her, and I have no idea why. She never stopped Todd from punching people, so why can't Jessica dole out some well-deserved justice? Grrr.
Practically everyone at school is staring and whispering behind Lila's back. True Sociopathic Jess would have utterly destroyed them all. She does stand up for her friend, but still, it's kind of disappointing. At last Lila is vindicated, though, and Jessica thinks that John (throws rotten vegetables, really big rocks, poison darts, and hand grenades) "really will get counseling" and ultimately become a psychotic pyromaniac who nearly blows up the high school.
But now it's time for Prince Arthur Castillo to come to Sweet Valley for a totally agenda-free visit to Sweet Valley, and suddenly all of the girls are In Love with a Prince. Jessica is sure that he'll fall for her, because "nobody sparkles like I do."
Sparkles? Uh oh. (Thanks, daniellafromage!)
Unfortunately for Jessica, Arthur choo-choo-chooses Dana Larson. By the way, in addition to her press-on nose stud, Dana wears paint-on tattoos. Dana is the least rebellious rebel ever.
Anyway, Arthur and Dana get engaged, because Cara isn't around to tell them what a crappy idea that is. But wait! It turns out Arthur has to get married. (No, not for that reason. Dana won't even pierce her nose; you think she'd let Arthur get past first base?) They fight, they make up, and Jessica complains about how boring everything is. I agree.
Things get interesting again quickly, though--funny how exciting stuff just keeps happening, one thing after another, in episodic installments! Jessica is starring in the school play, Macbeth. Also, there's a creepy girl that keeps staring at Jessica, but everyone tells her she's just being paranoid. 'Cause the Wakefield girls certainly never have to deal with stalkers! Look out, Jessica: She's Not What She Seems!
The girl's name is Paula, and her first words to Jessica are something like, "Oh my God, I'm absolute scum compared to you, because you're size six with Pacific Ocean blue-green eyes and I could never hope to even approach your level of awesomeness so I should just lie down and die right now!" Jessica accepts all of Paula's groveling as being completely normal because, hey, she's Jessica freaking Wakefield.
Later, Elizabeth scores some juicy gossip lends a sympathetic ear to Paula. She immediately tells Paula's (fake) sob story to Jessica, who actually thanks her for it. Dammit, Jess! Stop validating your sister's meddling!
Before long, Jessica feels threatened as Paula starts spending time with her friends. "It feels like Paula is taking over my life," she writes. Hmm. I wonder if Paula was Francine Pascal's practice Margo.
On opening night, Paula sets her evil plan in motion by sending Jessica to get lost in the middle of nowhere, then taking over her role as Lady Macbeth. As Jessica writes about Paula's "cold, cruel, and calculating" nature, she actually seems a little impressed. Maybe she's feeling nostalgic for her Evil Bitch roots from the early SVH books.
Fortunately, Jessica confronts Paula and everything goes back to normal in Sweet Valley. Only not really, because it's time for Stepsisters, and the Wakefields are about to have "a real, live interracial couple living in the house next door!" Yeah, it's not every day you see an interracial couple out in the wild, you know.
Jessica doesn't see race as a big deal. Everything will be fine for Cheryl as long as she "likes the right music and wears cool clothes." And as long as she's a size six, but that's a given. Jess gives us a recap of Friend Against Friend, which is kind of weird because now we've got a recap within a recap. It's like the play within a play in Hamlet, except, you know. Stupid.
Anyway, Annie throws Cheryl a Minority Awareness Party, random shenanigans follow, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Charles calls Jessica and tells her he needs her help. A movie producer is thinking about financing Checkered Houses, but he wants to do a read-through of the script before he makes up his mind. Jessica is the only person who can portray Blythe! The fate of the movie is in her hands! The film industry as we know it will collapse if Jessica Wakefield doesn't go to Santa Barbara with him this weekend!
I'm sure it's completely plausible that the future of a Hollywood motion picture could rest entirely on the shoulders of one sixteen-year-old girl. Hell, I bet we never even would have heard of Casablanca if not for some random high school student who went to a party with Humphrey Bogart.
Charles sort-of-apologizes for kissing her, and he and Jessica agree to be friends. Jessica tells him she'll go to Santa Barbara with him. She tells a really lame lie to Sam to get out of a date so she can go, but by now Sam's just kind of resigned to Jessica's shiftiness and lets it slide.
Jessica and Charles drive to Santa Barbara and meet the producer, Martin Pederson, who has "ebony skin." Hey, why wasn't Martin at Annie's Minority Awareness Party? Jessica does the reading and realizes that she really, really, really wants this role. She decides to tell Sam everything, including how much she wants to star in the movie, and leave the next move up to him.
As they drive back to Sweet Valley from Santa Barbara, Charles takes a different route on back roads, through the woods. My Creep-o-Meter is at ten now. Then, just as it begins to grow dark, the car (rather conveniently) dies. Wow, I didn't know my Creep-o-Meter even went up to thirty-seven million!
And of course, despite being a hot shot movie executive, Charles has neither a cell phone nor a car phone. Even Jessica is incredulous at this, but Charles just shrugs it off. "This is a pretty isolated spot," he comments. "We might not see another car until morning." Jeez, Charles, could you at least pretend to be upset about this?
Conveniently, Charles happens to have a blanket and an overnight bag in the trunk. They start a fire--a literal one, thank God. As Jessica uses a stick to poke the fire, Charles says she's doing it wrong and reaches around her shoulder to take the stick. His face touches hers and they turn to stare into each other's eyes. Somewhere, Mr. Collins is nodding his approval and humming Barry White.
Charles declares his love for Jessica. Jessica, in perhaps the most mature and responsible act she's ever done, turns him down and says she can't do the movie with him because his feelings for her would make everything awkward. Then she sleeps in the car while he stays outside by the fire. In other words, she gets the hell away from the creepy older man who seems to have a thing for hot jailbait. Good for her.
Early the next morning, they hitch a ride home and Jessica manages to sneak into the house before anyone else is awake. At breakfast, Ned and Alice go, "You were out past curfew. We think. Weren't you? I don't know. Parenting's hard. Go out and play."
Sam comes over later and tells her he saw her get into the car with Charles the previous day. Jessica almost shits a brick, but then Sam says he doesn't want to know what was going on. As long as Jessica loves him, he'll assume she had a good reason for lying to him.
I take back what I said about him earlier. Jessica doesn't deserve Sam.
Jessica just skims over Are We in Love? I guess she thought the book sucked, too. She gets a package in the mail from Charles, which includes a miniature Oscar statue and a letter thanking her for all of her help. It doesn't specifically ask her not to press charges against him, but I think that's implied.
At that point, Jessica stops reading her diary and thinks about Sam. I figure she's right to stop there. After that, it's not so much about teenagers almost getting married and more about psycho doppelgangers. Besides, I doubt Jessica really wants to reminisce about the time she almost drove her sister to suicide with Magical Vodka and massive sociopathy.
Welcome to yet another Sweet Valley Clip Show! Er, I mean, another Super Steamy Secret Diary! Same difference, really. Like the other diaries, it's just recaps of old Sweet Valley High books with a random subplot thrown in. In this one, it's not even a very interesting subplot aside from some Mr. Collins-style perviness.
So, the cover really isn't all that snarkable. It's just Jessica's head, and she looks exactly the same as she will in a few years when she's in college. And that beach vacation? Expired in August 1997. But that's okay, because the beach is in Miami, not Sweet Valley. Suck. I bet the ToddPunches and pool pushes aren't nearly as satisfying there.
The book starts out with Jessica coming home with Michael Lewis after a date. I have no idea if Michael Lewis has ever appeared before or since this book, but apparently he's got "a chin that juts out like a movie star's." I'm picturing Jay Leno. He's also got a soft southern drawl. Now I'm picturing Logan Bruno. At least the ghostwriter didn't feel compelled to write the drawl out phonetically, unlike some authors--yes, I'm looking at you, Ann M. Martin!
It's the third or fourth date, which is when most teenage guys start expecting to get laid. Michael, on the other hand, starts expecting exclusivity. He tells Jessica that "when two people feel this way about each other, there's no reason to date anyone else, ever." Honestly, what high school boy talks like that?
Jessica says she wants to play the field, so he dumps her. Because deep down, all any hormonally-charged adolescent boy really wants is...a serious commitment. Oh, wait, this is Sweet Valley, where sex is something that happens to other people.
The next day, Jessica and Elizabeth hang out by their pool with Lila, Amy, Enid, and Maria Slater at their biweekly inter-clique meeting of characters who don't really like each other but have to spend several pages of small talk introducing themselves to the reader, one after another, even though we already know who they are.
The main point of cramming these characters together is so that everyone can laugh at Jessica for not having a serious boyfriend. "You've always had a problem with commitment," Amy insists. Always? She's only sixteen! Is Amy counting fear of cooties as part of Jessica's years and years of relationship phobia?
But really, Jessica. Just because you've had three boyfriends die this year is no reason to have commitment issues. Oh, hold on. That's an excellent reason to have commitment issues. Jessica considers pushing Amy into the pool, and I am supremely disappointed that she doesn't.
The girls begin teasing Jessica over her lack of a date for the dance that Friday night (This week's dance theme: "Twenty-Six Days without an Attempted Date Rape!"). Elizabeth shakes her head in pity for her sister, and Jess thinks, "I detest having people feel sorry for me." Hey, cut Liz some slack. It's the only thing she's good at.
Jessica insists that she'll be able to find a date, and Lila comments, "Maybe Steven's free that night." Don't even joke about that, Li.
Eerily, Jessica does ask a Steve to the dance in the very next scene. It's Steve Anderson, but you'd think the ghostwriter could have come up with a different name in this particular instance. Any name. Even Durwood. Anyway, Steve's already got a girlfriend, Suzanne Devlin of fake-rape and MS-that's-actually-mono fame. Jessica briefly considers trying to break them up before deciding it isn't worth it. Oh, Jess. You and your charming sociopathy.
Unfortunately, Jessica has no better luck finding a date the rest of the day. "What's wrong with this town?" she asks Elizabeth after school. "Can you be more specific?" Elizabeth replies. Yeah, no kidding. Where do you want us to start? The crappy police force or the suspicious absence of minority characters?
It turns out she's just wondering why absolutely every student at Sweet Valley High seems to be paired up with someone. It's obvious, Jess. They've all finally accepted the truth that only the most pitiful losers are single. Have you not been paying attention?
By Friday, the unthinkable has happened: Jessica still doesn't have a date, so she stays home. From a school dance. Is that even legal? After Elizabeth and their parents have left the house, she puts in a movie her mother rented and freaks out when she sees the title: Checkered Houses, directed by Charles Sampson and dedicated to Jessica Wakefield. She starts crying, runs upstairs, and pulls out her diary.
Wow, I've only just finished the prologue. This could take awhile.
The diary picks up at the start of Steven's Bride. Jessica is horrified to learn that Cara is moving to London, leaving behind her friends, her boyfriend, and her tan! Jessica is so unhappy for her friend that she actually gives her a shoulder squeeze. Somewhere, Liz is looking on with condescending approval.
Never fear, though. Lila offers to throw a party when she comes across an old party invitation she'd made with "ultra-high-tech" computer graphics. George Fowler the computer magnate is rocking an Apple IIe. I'll bet money on it. Cara turns down the offer, though. First I'm denied a pool push. Then I miss out on seeing a school dance. Now I fail to witness a party? WHAT KIND OF HALF-ASSED SWEET VALLEY BOOK IS THIS, ANYWAY?
As she and Sam watch Love Story, Jessica compares it to Steven and Cara's situation, calling Cara's move "almost as tragic" as death. Really? Can the dead call, write, or come home for visits? Shut up, Olivia. Then, Jessica comes up with the idea for Steven and Cara to get married. "Luckily," Steven is home. Luck has nothing to do with it; Steven's home more often than their parents are.
Steven loves the idea. For some reason. Also, "When Steven smiles, he is one of the most gorgeous hunks you have ever seen. Even if he is my brother. No, especially since he's my brother!" That'll be enough of that, thank you.
Anyway, Steven proposes, Liz meddles, Cara gets cold feet, and so forth. Jessica sympathizes with Cara's fear, though. "It sounds like a long, long time to spend with one person. Even if the person happens to be my brother, Steven, whom I admire more than anyone." I mean it, Jess. Stop it.
Steven and Cara continue with their plans, including renting a tiny apartment. Um, do either Steven or Cara have jobs? How can they afford any apartment, no matter the size? Or are they expecting to keep getting allowances after they get married?
By now pretty much all of Sweet Valley knows about the engagement except for Steven and Cara's parents. When Sam finds out, he comments, "I knew something was up between you and Steven the other day, when we were watching Love Story and all of a sudden you kicked me out of the house." Oh, Sam. Don't you start, too.
Thanks to a little Liz-like snooping, Jessica discovers that Steven is sacrificing an important opportunity for Cara. She does a 180 and suddenly, "THEY ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED. It's that simple. I was the one who made this engagement happen. I'll be the one who stops it!" I decide who lives or dies! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!
After some random wackiness and melodrama, the engagement is canceled and Cara goes off to "London, the royal family, and Big Ben." That sums up London, all right. A monarchy and a single landmark. I believe that's the tourist slogan now.
Next up is The Stolen Diary. Jessica is so pissed off at the twins' broken-down Fiat that she wants to punch someone. She doesn't. So we've got no pool pushes, no dances, no parties, and no punching. Are we in Bizarro Sweet Valley? Veet Swalley?
Anyway, Liz isn't paying attention to Jessica's complaints because Todd has dumped her. Jessica is furious, and helps her sister by distracting her from the break-up and shielding her from Alice's "maternal interrogation" about Todd. Since when does Alice have maternal anything? Jessica submits to the "Spanish-tiled Inquisition" in her place.
Elizabeth starts dating/using Kris Lynch, and Jessica catches on to his creepy vibe right away. Of course, it's not hard when he approaches her at the beach and they share an exchange that, basically, goes:
Kris: So, Elizabeth likes me, right?
Jess: Uh, actually she--
Kris: Because instincts! And karma!
Jess: Well, that's--
Kris: Meant to be!!!
Jess: I don't know if--
Kris: SPIRITUAL CONNECTION!!1!!!
Jess: (backs away slowly)
Elizabeth sets the Guinness World Record for Worst Breakup Ever. Kris goes on to prove that he isn't psycho at all by stealing her diary and using the information in it to destroy her life. Enid and Todd forget precisely what being "Saint Elizabeth of Sweet Valley" entails and everyone at SVH believes that Kris and Liz spent a wild night at Miller's Point. Ah, Miller's Point. The second base capital of the world.
Jessica sets everything right, however, and everything is hugs and crying. Kris is never heard from again. I'd like to think that one day he and Margo meet, bond over their shared obsession with Liz, and live a long, happy life full of schizophrenic rants and stabbings.
Soap Star! Jessica wants to audition for twin roles on The Young at the Beautiful. Elizabeth says soaps are "all fluff and no substance," with no "moral or intellectual value." So's your entire book series, Liz. What's your point?
Thanks to Jessica, Lila, and Mr. Fowler's Apple IIe, Liz is tricked into going to the audition. They're Wakefields, so of course they get the parts without even trying. Jessica meets Brandon Hunter, a soap star with eyes "the same warm brown color as hot chocolate." I guess Brandon's eyes are like Todd's, only with less caffeine.
Jessica and Brandon go to all kinds of galas and social events together, but apparently the tabloids don't report on the twenty-something actor partying with the underage high schooler. Ned and Alice even approve of him, although that's not so surprising, given their parenting track record.
Sam doesn't approve, though, for obvious reasons. They argue, but later Sam shows up at the door to apologize. Dressed as Batman. I don't know why. Maybe it's their kink or something. Unfortunately, the power of spandex and a grappling hook can only get you so far, and they end up fighting again. Fortunately, Jessica overhears some clunky exposition that saves the day. "Wow, Brandon, using that high school girl for your own personal gain has worked out well!" "Yes, Random Character, my evil plan has worked out perfectly! What a chump!" "Oh, Brandon, you're such a jerkwad! Ha ha!" "Yes, I am! Watch me twirl my mustache! Ha ha!"
Jessica is not pleased.
Because of some wacky twin revenge antics, their final episode will be filmed live. That's the kind of hackneyed plot point truly worthy of a soap opera. It's like they're in a soap within a soap. Metasoap?
Jessica declares her love for Sam on live television and they make up. Sam asks her to postpone acting for awhile, and she agrees. But then a man in a Mustang pulls up alongside her while she's riding her bike and calls her over. She thinks, "Men who call to teenage girls from moving cars are the kinds of Men Our Mothers Warn Us About." Well, not your mother, Jess. Which is probably why she ignores the thought and starts talking to him.
He's Charles Sampson, a twentysomething director/producer who thinks Jessica has "something special." And that just now was the sound of my Creep-o-Meter going off. He gives her his card and tells her to call him. She keeps the card but decides she'll never call. The end.
Yeah, right. She gets bored and calls him the day after Sam leaves for Colorado (signaling the start of Jessica Against Bruce). They meet at a coffee bar called "L'Autre Chose," which is supposed to sound fancy but actually just means "The Other Thing" in French. She rationalizes meeting the strange man by figuring that maniacs don't drive Mustangs or have business cards. Yeah, maniacs only drive Ferraris, although they do have business cards that say "Professional Maniac" on them. It's Maniac Union regulations.
Charles wants her to star in a movie he's directing. Jessica thinks of Sam and turns him down, but he insists that "I won't take no for an answer." Jess, are you absolutely sure he's not a maniac? Because that registered at least a six on my Creep-o-Meter.
So, to get her mind off Charles Sampson, Jessica joins Bruce's Fight Club X. The rush of performing the dares is almost as good as when she and Sam "are necking at Miller's Point." Necking? When did Jessica turn 80?
Elizabeth, of course, wants Jessica to quit. She finally just asks Jess not to do anything she wouldn't do. So, Jessica is still free to cheat on her boyfriend and meddle in affairs that don't concern her, then. Got it.
Ultimately Bruce dares Jessica to cross a narrow train trestle bridge, and she does it. Partway across, she's startled by a crow. Don't feel bad, Jess. You may have been startled, but Bruce seriously needs a change of pants right now.
Hey, Bruce.
After she's nearly run over by a train, Jessica finally quits Club X. She gets grounded, but Elizabeth agrees to a twin switch so Jessica can go see Sam. Dressed as Liz, she meets him at the Dairi Burger, leads him outside, and kisses him. I bet Sam is thinking about the fling he once had with Elizabeth. Oh, wait. He knew it was Jessica the whole time. Riiiiiight.
And speaking of kissing other girl's guys, it's on to My Best Friend's Boyfriend. First, though, Liz has to tackle freedom of the press. How come Sweet Valley only ever seems to deal with the First Amendment? Why not a Very Special Sweet Valley book that takes on the Second Amendment? For example, Elizabeth buys a Glock but Jessica tries to convince her to go with the much sexier AK-47. Or how about the Third Amendment? Elizabeth befriends a whole platoon of orphan soldiers with eating disorders and lets them move in with the Wakefields! Think of the wacky fun!
Once Jessica convinces Elizabeth to run with her sexual harassment article, the whole Scooby Gang discusses the topic. Lila says, "Of course, I know how to handle myself in any situation." Oh, Lila. Poor Lila. John Pfeiffer (throws rotten vegetables) is kind of dismissive of the issue. Oh, John. Dickweed John.
By the way, Denise and Ginny share a boyfriend or something. Seriously, Jessica recaps the whole thing in about half a page. Which is kind of how long that plot should have been in the first place. The best part, though, is that Jessica points out that pretty much the same thing happened twenty books ago. When even Jessica Wakefield notices that the ghostwriters are ripping off ideas from each other, you know you're screwed.
So everything gets wrapped up neatly, but a few days later Sam breaks a date with Jessica to meet a dirt bike racer named Minks Janks. Snigger. Jessica can't believe "you're standing me up so you can have fun getting greasy with some big, hairy guy," and I am not even going to touch that line. No freaking way.
But Sam laughs and explains that Jessica has it all wrong. You see, Minks is "a thin, pretty girl!" Well, that makes everything just fine, doesn't it? Oh, Sam. You're normally so much smarter than that. Jessica slams the door in his face and later calls Charles Sampson so they can talk about his movie over breakfast. Oh, it's a revenge breakfast.
The next morning, Charles explains his movie, Checkered Houses, and the role he wants Jessica to play, Blythe Carson. "She's a girl on the brink of womanhood, wholesome, but sexy..." Jessica at first thinks he's asking her to do a porno. Heh. I bet Jessica does end up doing porno after college.
Charles insists that it's actually a very classy movie and outlines the plot. Jessica is surprised to hear that it's important for her to actually read a script. Oh, she is so going to be in porno.
A few days later, after they've made up, Jessica casually brings up her acting skills to Sam. He replies, "Let's try them out right now. You act like you can't keep your hands off me, and I'll--" See? Even Sam thinks Jessica has a career in porno ahead of her.
Jessica hints that she might like to try acting again, like in a play or (cough) movie. Something that would only take "a month or so." A month? What kind of movie only takes a month to film? Other than porno, I mean. It doesn't matter, though, because Sam basically forbids Jessica to act professionally ever again. No compromise, no discussion. What's going on? Usually I like Sam, but lately he's been kind of a jerk. I'll let it slide, though, if only because he's going to die tragically in about eight more books. Oh. I made myself sad.
Next, Jessica and Liz go into business in Love Letters for Sale. Jessica angsts about how much she loves the Checkered Houses script but is afraid to tell Sam she wants to star in a movie. Oh, and she wants to paint her room. These are, apparently, equally momentous decisions in her life.
So, random anonymous letter mailing and writing. Todd and Elizabeth almost break up. I almost care. Jessica adds the words "spiffy" and "hunky-dory" to her strangely old-timey vocabulary. She also writes an entry that goes along the lines of, "Dear Diary, I'm utterly depressed and miserable over screwing over my own sister. Oh, and I decided to paint my room purple! Isn't that totally cool?" Yeah, clearly she's just devastated.
Later, Jessica sneaks out to go with Charles Sampson to a party full of producers, actors, and other Hollywood big shots. And they all watch trashy soaps, because every single one recognizes Jess from her week-long stint on The Young and the Beautiful. The next day, when Sam asks where she was, she lies and says she was helping Lila with a bad-hair-day crisis. I doubt Lila would be amused at this.
While Elizabeth the Saint prepares to become Elizabeth Betrayed, Jessica schmoozes movie investors and helps Charles with script changes. Oh, come on! What kind of film director depends this heavily on a high school student?
Jessica continues lying to Sam about what she's doing behind his back, still using Lila's chronic bad hair as an excuse. I can't believe Lila hasn't had Jessica killed yet. I also have to mention that Dana Larson wears a "press-on nose stud." Because God forbid anyone in Sweet Valley actually get pierced.
Finally, Jessica decides to tell Charles she can't star in his movie. She meets him at Jackson's Bluff, which is "a beautiful spot" where Big Mesa kids go to make out. Really? You'd think those scuzzy Big Mesa kids would have to settle for making out in a junkyard.
She starts crying as she apologizes for letting him down, and Charles (who is at least ten years older than Jessica is) slides closer to her and touches her chin with his finger. My Creep-o-Meter is now pinging at nine. Then he puts his arms around her and kisses her. Charles Sampson belongs to the Roger Collins School of Comforting Teenage Girls.
Speaking of Mr. Collins, Elizabeth is temporary editor-in-chief of The Oracle and she's panicking because almost the entire staff is out sick with the flu. They aren't sick, Liz. They're just avoiding you. Fortunately Jessica and "Whizzer" Wilkins help out. So does Rod Sullivan, who is Olivia Davidson's boyfriend and TOTALLY JUST FRIENDS WITH ELIZABETH! REALLY!
Elizabeth gets accused of plagiarism and Jessica discovers the joys of honesty. Of course, that honesty conveniently doesn't include telling Sam about Charles Sampson, Charles' movie, or Charles' busy hands. Anyway, Elizabeth finally is cleared and everything is back to giggles and ice cream.
Except that now Lila's got her eye on John Pfeiffer (throws rotten vegetables and really big rocks). Lila, please, Don't Go Home With John!
Sam and Jessica get hot and heavy in Sam's car, which makes her nervous. "I knew Elizabeth could see us from inside the house, if she was near a window." Oh, she is, Jessica. Elizabeth Wakefield is always looking through a window at someone. When Jessica talks to her sister about her worries, Elizabeth asks, "You think Todd and I just shake hands and give each other a peck on the cheek?" Well, yeah, we kinda do think that, Liz.
A few days later, Jessica is concerned about Lila, who's acting strange. In the next entry, we learn that Lila confronted John (throws rotten vegetables, really big rocks, and poison darts) at her costume party and revealed that he tried to rape her. Jessica wants to scratch his eyes out. Elizabeth restrains her, and I have no idea why. She never stopped Todd from punching people, so why can't Jessica dole out some well-deserved justice? Grrr.
Practically everyone at school is staring and whispering behind Lila's back. True Sociopathic Jess would have utterly destroyed them all. She does stand up for her friend, but still, it's kind of disappointing. At last Lila is vindicated, though, and Jessica thinks that John (throws rotten vegetables, really big rocks, poison darts, and hand grenades) "really will get counseling" and ultimately become a psychotic pyromaniac who nearly blows up the high school.
But now it's time for Prince Arthur Castillo to come to Sweet Valley for a totally agenda-free visit to Sweet Valley, and suddenly all of the girls are In Love with a Prince. Jessica is sure that he'll fall for her, because "nobody sparkles like I do."
Sparkles? Uh oh. (Thanks, daniellafromage!)
Unfortunately for Jessica, Arthur choo-choo-chooses Dana Larson. By the way, in addition to her press-on nose stud, Dana wears paint-on tattoos. Dana is the least rebellious rebel ever.
Anyway, Arthur and Dana get engaged, because Cara isn't around to tell them what a crappy idea that is. But wait! It turns out Arthur has to get married. (No, not for that reason. Dana won't even pierce her nose; you think she'd let Arthur get past first base?) They fight, they make up, and Jessica complains about how boring everything is. I agree.
Things get interesting again quickly, though--funny how exciting stuff just keeps happening, one thing after another, in episodic installments! Jessica is starring in the school play, Macbeth. Also, there's a creepy girl that keeps staring at Jessica, but everyone tells her she's just being paranoid. 'Cause the Wakefield girls certainly never have to deal with stalkers! Look out, Jessica: She's Not What She Seems!
The girl's name is Paula, and her first words to Jessica are something like, "Oh my God, I'm absolute scum compared to you, because you're size six with Pacific Ocean blue-green eyes and I could never hope to even approach your level of awesomeness so I should just lie down and die right now!" Jessica accepts all of Paula's groveling as being completely normal because, hey, she's Jessica freaking Wakefield.
Later, Elizabeth scores some juicy gossip lends a sympathetic ear to Paula. She immediately tells Paula's (fake) sob story to Jessica, who actually thanks her for it. Dammit, Jess! Stop validating your sister's meddling!
Before long, Jessica feels threatened as Paula starts spending time with her friends. "It feels like Paula is taking over my life," she writes. Hmm. I wonder if Paula was Francine Pascal's practice Margo.
On opening night, Paula sets her evil plan in motion by sending Jessica to get lost in the middle of nowhere, then taking over her role as Lady Macbeth. As Jessica writes about Paula's "cold, cruel, and calculating" nature, she actually seems a little impressed. Maybe she's feeling nostalgic for her Evil Bitch roots from the early SVH books.
Fortunately, Jessica confronts Paula and everything goes back to normal in Sweet Valley. Only not really, because it's time for Stepsisters, and the Wakefields are about to have "a real, live interracial couple living in the house next door!" Yeah, it's not every day you see an interracial couple out in the wild, you know.
Jessica doesn't see race as a big deal. Everything will be fine for Cheryl as long as she "likes the right music and wears cool clothes." And as long as she's a size six, but that's a given. Jess gives us a recap of Friend Against Friend, which is kind of weird because now we've got a recap within a recap. It's like the play within a play in Hamlet, except, you know. Stupid.
Anyway, Annie throws Cheryl a Minority Awareness Party, random shenanigans follow, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Charles calls Jessica and tells her he needs her help. A movie producer is thinking about financing Checkered Houses, but he wants to do a read-through of the script before he makes up his mind. Jessica is the only person who can portray Blythe! The fate of the movie is in her hands! The film industry as we know it will collapse if Jessica Wakefield doesn't go to Santa Barbara with him this weekend!
I'm sure it's completely plausible that the future of a Hollywood motion picture could rest entirely on the shoulders of one sixteen-year-old girl. Hell, I bet we never even would have heard of Casablanca if not for some random high school student who went to a party with Humphrey Bogart.
Charles sort-of-apologizes for kissing her, and he and Jessica agree to be friends. Jessica tells him she'll go to Santa Barbara with him. She tells a really lame lie to Sam to get out of a date so she can go, but by now Sam's just kind of resigned to Jessica's shiftiness and lets it slide.
Jessica and Charles drive to Santa Barbara and meet the producer, Martin Pederson, who has "ebony skin." Hey, why wasn't Martin at Annie's Minority Awareness Party? Jessica does the reading and realizes that she really, really, really wants this role. She decides to tell Sam everything, including how much she wants to star in the movie, and leave the next move up to him.
As they drive back to Sweet Valley from Santa Barbara, Charles takes a different route on back roads, through the woods. My Creep-o-Meter is at ten now. Then, just as it begins to grow dark, the car (rather conveniently) dies. Wow, I didn't know my Creep-o-Meter even went up to thirty-seven million!
And of course, despite being a hot shot movie executive, Charles has neither a cell phone nor a car phone. Even Jessica is incredulous at this, but Charles just shrugs it off. "This is a pretty isolated spot," he comments. "We might not see another car until morning." Jeez, Charles, could you at least pretend to be upset about this?
Conveniently, Charles happens to have a blanket and an overnight bag in the trunk. They start a fire--a literal one, thank God. As Jessica uses a stick to poke the fire, Charles says she's doing it wrong and reaches around her shoulder to take the stick. His face touches hers and they turn to stare into each other's eyes. Somewhere, Mr. Collins is nodding his approval and humming Barry White.
Charles declares his love for Jessica. Jessica, in perhaps the most mature and responsible act she's ever done, turns him down and says she can't do the movie with him because his feelings for her would make everything awkward. Then she sleeps in the car while he stays outside by the fire. In other words, she gets the hell away from the creepy older man who seems to have a thing for hot jailbait. Good for her.
Early the next morning, they hitch a ride home and Jessica manages to sneak into the house before anyone else is awake. At breakfast, Ned and Alice go, "You were out past curfew. We think. Weren't you? I don't know. Parenting's hard. Go out and play."
Sam comes over later and tells her he saw her get into the car with Charles the previous day. Jessica almost shits a brick, but then Sam says he doesn't want to know what was going on. As long as Jessica loves him, he'll assume she had a good reason for lying to him.
I take back what I said about him earlier. Jessica doesn't deserve Sam.
Jessica just skims over Are We in Love? I guess she thought the book sucked, too. She gets a package in the mail from Charles, which includes a miniature Oscar statue and a letter thanking her for all of her help. It doesn't specifically ask her not to press charges against him, but I think that's implied.
At that point, Jessica stops reading her diary and thinks about Sam. I figure she's right to stop there. After that, it's not so much about teenagers almost getting married and more about psycho doppelgangers. Besides, I doubt Jessica really wants to reminisce about the time she almost drove her sister to suicide with Magical Vodka and massive sociopathy.