SVH Episode 1.1
The DVDs came in the mail today, guys, and I have blown off reading about Carl Jung for SVH. But we all know it's worth it.
Sweet Valley High, Episode 1.1: “Dangerous Love,” a.k.a the episode in which they decide to start butchering the original SVH plotlines & already-fragile timeline from the start.
From TV.com: “When Elizabeth wins both the Homecoming Queen title and a date with college boy Scott Daniels, Jessica decides it's time to pull a twin switch. As usual, she gets what she wants, but this time she may get more than she bargained for.”
Okay. That is not the plot of Dangerous Love. Where are the motorcycles, the mystical cousin Rexy, the coma!? We don’t see any of that. Instead, we have moved a semblance of that plot to the creatively titled ninth episode, “Coma.” This episode is like the weird love child of All Night Long and Secrets, only they took out all night parties from which you cannot escape and added a (halfhearted) attempted date rape. It sounds good, but really, not so much.
Since it’s the first episode, I will recap the opening credits, because they are really too awesome to be ignored.
The credits are totally what I pictured SVH to be, all peppy and upbeat and “it never rains in sweet valley!” And totally cheesy. At least in these sixty seconds, Liz and Jess look fairly realistic and in character and whatnot. Jess is clearly the slutty one, as she is wearing clothing to a high school dance that I am pretty sure would be uncomfortable to wear to any sort of school event ever. I never saw any dresses like that at my high school, where the “ruler’s length between bodies” rule was still enforced at homecoming dances.
I’m also digging the various scheming looks Jessica makes throughout the credits. They seem to promise of future sociopathy. Also, the semi-pornographic bikini pose that would send the Ned & Alice into fits of rage, if a.) they were good parents, and b.) they even appeared in this series. They don’t really appear, by the way, making the flimsy rules we had in the book basically non-existent. In case you were wondering.
Also, Liz is definitely Liz, all with the pulled-back hair and over-the-top smiles. Plus, we even get one annoyingly sympathetic hug, which I can only assume is the 1990’s version of the condescending shoulder pat.
And of course, the song. As many people have pointed out, it’s annoyingly catchy. I keep noticing myself bopping along to it. Yikes. If you are really dying to get every piece of SVH memorabilia ever, I recommend the SVH soundtrack. It includes, of course, the theme song, and then… wonders such as “Lotion (Jessica’s Theme).” Um, does anyone else go to an uncomfortably dirty place with that title? I could MAYBE see it being all, oh suntan lotion, eyes like the Pacific Ocean (I totally should be writing the lyrics), but no, not ONE mention of anything like that. Instead, the very first line is, “[t]ook a ride on a little Mayflower, a big stir with a lot of horsepower.” Is this sexual innuendo, or are the writers just on LSD? We will never know for sure. I imagine a weird, pilgrim-based, erotic screenplay. This may just be me, however. Other choice lines include, “can’t hold back when she walks, just a little bit of lotion” and “hot desire when she says, ‘just a little bit of lotion.’” The lyricist also mentions that he is “rising to the occasion.” My mind is a-boggle.
I might add that I was very happy to discover that there were TWO songs on the soundtrack with Jessica’s name featuring prominently, and none with Liz’s name anywhere to be seen. The only song I can think of that might be dedicated to Liz is “She’s Got the Answers,” but as the song is actually talking about how this mystery girl “has a hold on me” and then might “buy a dress,” I’m thinking Jessica again. Whatever. This only proves my original belief - LIZ IS BORING.
Okay, sorry. That was a really long tangent. The songs are so good I couldn’t help myself. If you are interested in seeing more lyric-y goodness, try here. And then I will meet you at Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High.
Andddd… we’re off! This episode starts with A DANCE. Thank goodness they are remaining so true to the major plot points in the book. Seriously, how appropriate. The twins (in their red Jeep, which goes along with the re-releases, I suppose) cruise up to the dance. Elizabeth tells Jessica good luck, Jessica brushes her off. Wow, Jess is already a bitch, and she is dressed like a business women by day, hooker by night. You can see her outfit in the credits if you're curious. Elizabeth is wearing a white dress and what I can only assume are pioneer boots. Because she lives in the 1800s.
Jessica greets Lila and Patty. Who is Patty? As we will later find out, she is a completely random character who has very little purpose, although I think she might be a little bit Maria Slater. She directs some TV stuff in a later episode, I don't know. Some chick tells Jessica she voted for Elizabeth. The acting is about on par (so, equally shitty) as the writing in the series, which kind of makes me feel happy. Because I don’t think I could take it if Sweet Valley wasn’t over-the-top and painfully melodramatic.
Elizabeth and Todd are broken up. WHAT. Why? There is no reason given. They exchange sad, puppy-dog looks, so the audience is reassured that they are basically meant to be together, and will probably be holding hands and skipping off into the sunset by the end of Act 1. Jessica, meanwhile, is approached by Random Guy #1 (really, that's probably what they called the actor in the script) who asks if they are still on for tonight. THANKS, SCRIPTWRITERS. We can already tell Jessica is a total prostitute, no need to rub it in.
Oh, wait, exposition. Liz broke up with Todd because he nominated her for homecoming queen. Jeez, what a douche. She apparently feels smothered, and Enid says she wouldn’t mind being smothered by a guy like Todd. I will pause and let you insert your own jokes about Enid/Todd/drunken college frat party sex… here.
Liz angsts about how she couldn’t get out of her nomination. What sane sixteen year old girl would not kill to be nominated for homecoming queen? I would have. I was apparently not as cool and enlightened about women’s lib (...or whatever) as Liz appears to be.
A guy who looks like a brainless, ‘roid-raging weightlifter walks into the dance. I doubt he has ever made an actual facial expression. He looks boring, but sometimes that passes for wildly attractive in Sweet Valley. Jess practically meows. He is Scott Daniels, and he is… IN COLLEGE. I miss the pornstache. Jess implies she wants to do fabulously dirty things with him.
Another person comes up to Jess and says he voted for Elizabeth. It’s good to see the subtle, barely-noticeable foreshadowing is a technique they decided to keep in the TV series, too.
Bruce Patman is president of the SV Homecoming Committee. Why has he been planning tacky school dances instead of cruising around in 1bruce1 and attempting to bed innocent girls? How awkward. He announces the Homecoming Queen nominees. They include Amy Sutton (who looks like that great-aunt everyone has who lives alone with 73 cats) and the twins.
Bad 90s hip hop music is played. Elizabeth is announced queen. Jessica has the typical “oh, I won, you love me” reaction and then freaks out when someone else actually gets the crown. How sad is it that I actually wrote this paragraph before I even saw it play out on screen. This writing sucks. I love the show already.
Elizabeth gives a shitty speech. Winston is announced as King. He says, and I quote, “next to the time I kissed Lila Fowler in the third grade, this is the happiest day of my life.” I know you are all getting self-righteous and upset about Lila stooping so low, but let me warn you… Lila kind of sucks in this series. He then declares that all laboratory rats are now free, and makes some weird joke about Bruce being a lab rat. Okay….
The King and Queen dance. Um, actually, they grind. It’s really awkwardly dirty. Winston caresses Liz’s legs, and her dress is so short that when she twirls around, I am sure everyone is getting a pretty good “Britney flashes the paparazzi" moment. Good thing I am positive that Liz wears granny panties and a chastity belt everywhere she goes.
Liz and Todd talk. They angst. Liz says they “have problems.” Don’t we know it.... Then, the OMG college boy slides in and asks Liz to dance while simultaneously insulting Todd. Pretty slick. College boy has yet to make a facial expression. Todd storms out. Jessica sees Liz and the OMG college boy and gets bitter. End scene.
We open back up on the outside of the Wakefield Casa, in its Spanish roofed and adobe-d glory. Elizabeth is in her bedroom, writing on her computer, because she is totally going to win a Pulitzer in three seconds. Here is what it says:
“LAST NIGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
IT WASN’T.
I REALLY MISS TODD.”
Yeah, caps and everything. Because that is how all serious authors convey their big, heart-wrenching emotions.
Jess comes in, looking hot in a 90s, spandex-y way. She asks Liz about "the new wonderbras." She says that if she “just had this bra, it could transform [her] life.” I understand the sentiment. Jess is interrupted by the phone. It's Scott, calling for Liz. Liz spills her ENTIRE life story about Todd, their breakup, the fact that they are totally meant to be.... That won’t scare the boys off at all, Liz. Jess seems to agree. She says, “Todd’s toast.” Classy turn of phrase, there, Jess. Liz finally agrees to date. And scene.
The next day, or something. The timeline in this is difficult to understand. Liz and Enid are walking through SVH. We hear about the tradition of the Eyes & Ears writer getting dumped into the pool. The pool? Is the Wakefield’s pool the only one in Sweet Valley? Probably, this doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. Liz runs into Todd, he apologizes, they make up for 0.001 seconds, and then they fight and break up again. We have to keep the drama going until the very last second. Excuse me? What drama? I have already informed the audience that Liz and Todd are meant to be! forever! for life! until death do us part! There's no need to force me to watch Liz angst about her relationship any more.
Later at the Wakefield house. Jessica schemes. She calls Scott and changes the plans so she can meet him instead.
We fade to black, and then we're back at the Wakefield house, apparently on Friday night. Liz again goes for the flowery pioneer look. (CONFESSION: I had a flowery pioneer phase too, for about ten seconds. But I was SEVEN). Jessica calls her out on wearing the same pink sweater night after night. Someone had to, Liz has not yet appeared in this show without that sweater. REMEMBER THIS. Unfortunately, Jess gives her a bright red jacket to go with her (olive green and flowery) dress, which looks even worse. Way to suck, Jessica. Apparently, however, this was all a ploy to steal Elizabeth’s “favorite sweater” so Jessica can go out with Scott while pretending to be Elizabeth. I love the scheming.
Jessica-as-Elizabeth goes to meet Scott at “his place,” which is a frat house, Solo cups littering the ground and all. Since when do freshmen in college live in a frat house during the first semester? What happened to rush? Bids? Pledging? Did we do ANY research? Did we ever go to college? Or even try to use common sense while writing? Jessica is wearing the sweater. Scott is wearing a mock turtleneck. ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT. No, seriously, a mock turtleneck. Just think about that for a while. If this is the pinnacle of hotness in Sweet Valley, I am not impressed.
Scotts asks Jessica for a drink. She wants a diet coke. I guess there aren’t even chasers at this frat house, because Scott furrows his brow (it practically counts as an expression) and wanders off in search of anything that in non-alcoholic. He eventually comes back and proceeds to gyrate all up on Jessica. Him and his mock turtleneck.
Liz is at home, waiting. She throws down her magazine in disgust and grabs the car keys. Where could she be going…? Oh, no, it’s not to go drag Jessica off the OMG college boy. It’s to find Todd. Of course.
Typically enough, Todd has no life, and is off at Secca Lake (I assume) by himself, throwing rocks at a tree that has “TW+EW” carved in the dark. Liz approaches him in the dark, acting very much like a stalker. She recounts some emotional, touching memory of their relationship. I fail to care, and in fact, cannot even remember what she says. Todd doesn’t really seem to care either. We get more Liz and Todd angst with bad analogies ("we're a team!" "this relationship isn't a game!") and Liz sounding like a marriage counselor. They make up, and skip off into the sunset. No, not really. I wish, though.
Cut scene to the “Moon Beach Café.” Is the Dairi Burger not good enough for you people!? Random characters are there, including Enid and Winston. Lila comes up to them? Because apparently she likes to talk to Enid on her Friday nights, before she and Winston sneak off to Miller’s Point. I TOLD you guys, this is not the Lila we know and love. There’s a mention of Mr. Collins if you’re nasty, before Lila reveals that Liz writes the Eyes and Ears column. Nobody believes her, because Liz is pure and good and saintly.
Elizabeth and Todd walk in, all up on each other. They explain what happened to our cast of SVH students. Enid asks for Scott’s number. This is approximately the 23rd time she has asked about boys during the first 15 minutes of this show. Apparently she has turned into a horndog.
The SVH gang confront Liz about the gossip column. Some college guy comes is with what appears to be a drunken freshman girl on each arm. But UH OH. He tells Liz he saw her at the frat party. Liz connects the dots.
Jessica is alone in Scott’s room. He pours her what appears to be a cup of straight vodka. Tasty. That’s what I was drinking as a sixteen year old. Totally. He makes a move on her and encourages her to drink. Oh, apparently the alcohol is rum. Jessica tastes her drink and freaks out when she figures out he spiked it. Uh, Jess? He did that ten feet away from you. Hello. She tries to leave but he grabs her arm - TWICE - hard. Seriously creepy territory. Luckily, when he goes for the kiss, Jess pours her drink on his head and storms off.
As she’s running out of the house, Liz and Todd drive up, plotting revenge. Unfortunately, Jess is near tears, and Liz’s backbone disappears. There's a melodramatic confession from Jessica. WAIT, though, it almost gets exciting. Todd is all, “I’m gonna KILL that guy!” He tries to get out of the car, and I am TOTALLY anticipating a Todd Punch. Liz, however, calms him down. Wtf, Liz.
The three go home. Jessica tries to apologize to Liz. Liz looks all angry, but forgives her in about 15 seconds, because Jessica rationalizes that she did a good deed. No, really. If she hadn’t stolen her sister’s date and left Liz alone on Friday night, Liz and Todd would have never reunited. Thank goodness for Jessica, the kind and caring good Samaritan twin.
A few days later at SVH. Liz and Todd are waiting for Jessica, because Liz hasn't quite forgiven her sister yet. Liz “accidentally” spills grape juice on Jessica, then gives her the “favorite sweater” (it's the pink one, guys, remember!?) to cover up the stain. Then Liz bails. Whatever could she be up to!?
We find out two seconds later, as a mob of students comes up to Jessica-as-Elizabeth and calls her out for being the writer of the gossip column. They pick her up (seriously, it’s like she’s crowd surfing, I’d be so pissed off) and take her to the pool, claiming that she can’t be Jessica, because Jessica wouldn’t be caught dead in that sweater.
Liz comes back, and she and Todd grin evilly as we hear Jessica being thrown into the pool. Uh, yes, the pool, which is apparently ten feet away from the school’s entrance. Odd. In the background, Jessica screams. Elizabeth and Todd kiss. All is well in Sweet Valley land.
EXCEPT WE DON’T ACTUALLY GET TO SEE THE POOL PUSH. What is up with that.
I hope you guys enjoyed, I posted it a little hastily... I am SO late for class. Oh well. ;)
Sweet Valley High, Episode 1.1: “Dangerous Love,” a.k.a the episode in which they decide to start butchering the original SVH plotlines & already-fragile timeline from the start.
From TV.com: “When Elizabeth wins both the Homecoming Queen title and a date with college boy Scott Daniels, Jessica decides it's time to pull a twin switch. As usual, she gets what she wants, but this time she may get more than she bargained for.”
Okay. That is not the plot of Dangerous Love. Where are the motorcycles, the mystical cousin Rexy, the coma!? We don’t see any of that. Instead, we have moved a semblance of that plot to the creatively titled ninth episode, “Coma.” This episode is like the weird love child of All Night Long and Secrets, only they took out all night parties from which you cannot escape and added a (halfhearted) attempted date rape. It sounds good, but really, not so much.
Since it’s the first episode, I will recap the opening credits, because they are really too awesome to be ignored.
Click to viewThe credits are totally what I pictured SVH to be, all peppy and upbeat and “it never rains in sweet valley!” And totally cheesy. At least in these sixty seconds, Liz and Jess look fairly realistic and in character and whatnot. Jess is clearly the slutty one, as she is wearing clothing to a high school dance that I am pretty sure would be uncomfortable to wear to any sort of school event ever. I never saw any dresses like that at my high school, where the “ruler’s length between bodies” rule was still enforced at homecoming dances.
I’m also digging the various scheming looks Jessica makes throughout the credits. They seem to promise of future sociopathy. Also, the semi-pornographic bikini pose that would send the Ned & Alice into fits of rage, if a.) they were good parents, and b.) they even appeared in this series. They don’t really appear, by the way, making the flimsy rules we had in the book basically non-existent. In case you were wondering.
Also, Liz is definitely Liz, all with the pulled-back hair and over-the-top smiles. Plus, we even get one annoyingly sympathetic hug, which I can only assume is the 1990’s version of the condescending shoulder pat.
And of course, the song. As many people have pointed out, it’s annoyingly catchy. I keep noticing myself bopping along to it. Yikes. If you are really dying to get every piece of SVH memorabilia ever, I recommend the SVH soundtrack. It includes, of course, the theme song, and then… wonders such as “Lotion (Jessica’s Theme).” Um, does anyone else go to an uncomfortably dirty place with that title? I could MAYBE see it being all, oh suntan lotion, eyes like the Pacific Ocean (I totally should be writing the lyrics), but no, not ONE mention of anything like that. Instead, the very first line is, “[t]ook a ride on a little Mayflower, a big stir with a lot of horsepower.” Is this sexual innuendo, or are the writers just on LSD? We will never know for sure. I imagine a weird, pilgrim-based, erotic screenplay. This may just be me, however. Other choice lines include, “can’t hold back when she walks, just a little bit of lotion” and “hot desire when she says, ‘just a little bit of lotion.’” The lyricist also mentions that he is “rising to the occasion.” My mind is a-boggle.
I might add that I was very happy to discover that there were TWO songs on the soundtrack with Jessica’s name featuring prominently, and none with Liz’s name anywhere to be seen. The only song I can think of that might be dedicated to Liz is “She’s Got the Answers,” but as the song is actually talking about how this mystery girl “has a hold on me” and then might “buy a dress,” I’m thinking Jessica again. Whatever. This only proves my original belief - LIZ IS BORING.
Okay, sorry. That was a really long tangent. The songs are so good I couldn’t help myself. If you are interested in seeing more lyric-y goodness, try here. And then I will meet you at Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High.
Andddd… we’re off! This episode starts with A DANCE. Thank goodness they are remaining so true to the major plot points in the book. Seriously, how appropriate. The twins (in their red Jeep, which goes along with the re-releases, I suppose) cruise up to the dance. Elizabeth tells Jessica good luck, Jessica brushes her off. Wow, Jess is already a bitch, and she is dressed like a business women by day, hooker by night. You can see her outfit in the credits if you're curious. Elizabeth is wearing a white dress and what I can only assume are pioneer boots. Because she lives in the 1800s.
Jessica greets Lila and Patty. Who is Patty? As we will later find out, she is a completely random character who has very little purpose, although I think she might be a little bit Maria Slater. She directs some TV stuff in a later episode, I don't know. Some chick tells Jessica she voted for Elizabeth. The acting is about on par (so, equally shitty) as the writing in the series, which kind of makes me feel happy. Because I don’t think I could take it if Sweet Valley wasn’t over-the-top and painfully melodramatic.
Elizabeth and Todd are broken up. WHAT. Why? There is no reason given. They exchange sad, puppy-dog looks, so the audience is reassured that they are basically meant to be together, and will probably be holding hands and skipping off into the sunset by the end of Act 1. Jessica, meanwhile, is approached by Random Guy #1 (really, that's probably what they called the actor in the script) who asks if they are still on for tonight. THANKS, SCRIPTWRITERS. We can already tell Jessica is a total prostitute, no need to rub it in.
Oh, wait, exposition. Liz broke up with Todd because he nominated her for homecoming queen. Jeez, what a douche. She apparently feels smothered, and Enid says she wouldn’t mind being smothered by a guy like Todd. I will pause and let you insert your own jokes about Enid/Todd/drunken college frat party sex… here.
Liz angsts about how she couldn’t get out of her nomination. What sane sixteen year old girl would not kill to be nominated for homecoming queen? I would have. I was apparently not as cool and enlightened about women’s lib (...or whatever) as Liz appears to be.
A guy who looks like a brainless, ‘roid-raging weightlifter walks into the dance. I doubt he has ever made an actual facial expression. He looks boring, but sometimes that passes for wildly attractive in Sweet Valley. Jess practically meows. He is Scott Daniels, and he is… IN COLLEGE. I miss the pornstache. Jess implies she wants to do fabulously dirty things with him.
Another person comes up to Jess and says he voted for Elizabeth. It’s good to see the subtle, barely-noticeable foreshadowing is a technique they decided to keep in the TV series, too.
Bruce Patman is president of the SV Homecoming Committee. Why has he been planning tacky school dances instead of cruising around in 1bruce1 and attempting to bed innocent girls? How awkward. He announces the Homecoming Queen nominees. They include Amy Sutton (who looks like that great-aunt everyone has who lives alone with 73 cats) and the twins.
Bad 90s hip hop music is played. Elizabeth is announced queen. Jessica has the typical “oh, I won, you love me” reaction and then freaks out when someone else actually gets the crown. How sad is it that I actually wrote this paragraph before I even saw it play out on screen. This writing sucks. I love the show already.
Elizabeth gives a shitty speech. Winston is announced as King. He says, and I quote, “next to the time I kissed Lila Fowler in the third grade, this is the happiest day of my life.” I know you are all getting self-righteous and upset about Lila stooping so low, but let me warn you… Lila kind of sucks in this series. He then declares that all laboratory rats are now free, and makes some weird joke about Bruce being a lab rat. Okay….
The King and Queen dance. Um, actually, they grind. It’s really awkwardly dirty. Winston caresses Liz’s legs, and her dress is so short that when she twirls around, I am sure everyone is getting a pretty good “Britney flashes the paparazzi" moment. Good thing I am positive that Liz wears granny panties and a chastity belt everywhere she goes.
Liz and Todd talk. They angst. Liz says they “have problems.” Don’t we know it.... Then, the OMG college boy slides in and asks Liz to dance while simultaneously insulting Todd. Pretty slick. College boy has yet to make a facial expression. Todd storms out. Jessica sees Liz and the OMG college boy and gets bitter. End scene.
We open back up on the outside of the Wakefield Casa, in its Spanish roofed and adobe-d glory. Elizabeth is in her bedroom, writing on her computer, because she is totally going to win a Pulitzer in three seconds. Here is what it says:
“LAST NIGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
IT WASN’T.
I REALLY MISS TODD.”
Yeah, caps and everything. Because that is how all serious authors convey their big, heart-wrenching emotions.
Jess comes in, looking hot in a 90s, spandex-y way. She asks Liz about "the new wonderbras." She says that if she “just had this bra, it could transform [her] life.” I understand the sentiment. Jess is interrupted by the phone. It's Scott, calling for Liz. Liz spills her ENTIRE life story about Todd, their breakup, the fact that they are totally meant to be.... That won’t scare the boys off at all, Liz. Jess seems to agree. She says, “Todd’s toast.” Classy turn of phrase, there, Jess. Liz finally agrees to date. And scene.
The next day, or something. The timeline in this is difficult to understand. Liz and Enid are walking through SVH. We hear about the tradition of the Eyes & Ears writer getting dumped into the pool. The pool? Is the Wakefield’s pool the only one in Sweet Valley? Probably, this doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. Liz runs into Todd, he apologizes, they make up for 0.001 seconds, and then they fight and break up again. We have to keep the drama going until the very last second. Excuse me? What drama? I have already informed the audience that Liz and Todd are meant to be! forever! for life! until death do us part! There's no need to force me to watch Liz angst about her relationship any more.
Later at the Wakefield house. Jessica schemes. She calls Scott and changes the plans so she can meet him instead.
We fade to black, and then we're back at the Wakefield house, apparently on Friday night. Liz again goes for the flowery pioneer look. (CONFESSION: I had a flowery pioneer phase too, for about ten seconds. But I was SEVEN). Jessica calls her out on wearing the same pink sweater night after night. Someone had to, Liz has not yet appeared in this show without that sweater. REMEMBER THIS. Unfortunately, Jess gives her a bright red jacket to go with her (olive green and flowery) dress, which looks even worse. Way to suck, Jessica. Apparently, however, this was all a ploy to steal Elizabeth’s “favorite sweater” so Jessica can go out with Scott while pretending to be Elizabeth. I love the scheming.
Jessica-as-Elizabeth goes to meet Scott at “his place,” which is a frat house, Solo cups littering the ground and all. Since when do freshmen in college live in a frat house during the first semester? What happened to rush? Bids? Pledging? Did we do ANY research? Did we ever go to college? Or even try to use common sense while writing? Jessica is wearing the sweater. Scott is wearing a mock turtleneck. ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT. No, seriously, a mock turtleneck. Just think about that for a while. If this is the pinnacle of hotness in Sweet Valley, I am not impressed.
Scotts asks Jessica for a drink. She wants a diet coke. I guess there aren’t even chasers at this frat house, because Scott furrows his brow (it practically counts as an expression) and wanders off in search of anything that in non-alcoholic. He eventually comes back and proceeds to gyrate all up on Jessica. Him and his mock turtleneck.
Liz is at home, waiting. She throws down her magazine in disgust and grabs the car keys. Where could she be going…? Oh, no, it’s not to go drag Jessica off the OMG college boy. It’s to find Todd. Of course.
Typically enough, Todd has no life, and is off at Secca Lake (I assume) by himself, throwing rocks at a tree that has “TW+EW” carved in the dark. Liz approaches him in the dark, acting very much like a stalker. She recounts some emotional, touching memory of their relationship. I fail to care, and in fact, cannot even remember what she says. Todd doesn’t really seem to care either. We get more Liz and Todd angst with bad analogies ("we're a team!" "this relationship isn't a game!") and Liz sounding like a marriage counselor. They make up, and skip off into the sunset. No, not really. I wish, though.
Cut scene to the “Moon Beach Café.” Is the Dairi Burger not good enough for you people!? Random characters are there, including Enid and Winston. Lila comes up to them? Because apparently she likes to talk to Enid on her Friday nights, before she and Winston sneak off to Miller’s Point. I TOLD you guys, this is not the Lila we know and love. There’s a mention of Mr. Collins if you’re nasty, before Lila reveals that Liz writes the Eyes and Ears column. Nobody believes her, because Liz is pure and good and saintly.
Elizabeth and Todd walk in, all up on each other. They explain what happened to our cast of SVH students. Enid asks for Scott’s number. This is approximately the 23rd time she has asked about boys during the first 15 minutes of this show. Apparently she has turned into a horndog.
The SVH gang confront Liz about the gossip column. Some college guy comes is with what appears to be a drunken freshman girl on each arm. But UH OH. He tells Liz he saw her at the frat party. Liz connects the dots.
Jessica is alone in Scott’s room. He pours her what appears to be a cup of straight vodka. Tasty. That’s what I was drinking as a sixteen year old. Totally. He makes a move on her and encourages her to drink. Oh, apparently the alcohol is rum. Jessica tastes her drink and freaks out when she figures out he spiked it. Uh, Jess? He did that ten feet away from you. Hello. She tries to leave but he grabs her arm - TWICE - hard. Seriously creepy territory. Luckily, when he goes for the kiss, Jess pours her drink on his head and storms off.
As she’s running out of the house, Liz and Todd drive up, plotting revenge. Unfortunately, Jess is near tears, and Liz’s backbone disappears. There's a melodramatic confession from Jessica. WAIT, though, it almost gets exciting. Todd is all, “I’m gonna KILL that guy!” He tries to get out of the car, and I am TOTALLY anticipating a Todd Punch. Liz, however, calms him down. Wtf, Liz.
The three go home. Jessica tries to apologize to Liz. Liz looks all angry, but forgives her in about 15 seconds, because Jessica rationalizes that she did a good deed. No, really. If she hadn’t stolen her sister’s date and left Liz alone on Friday night, Liz and Todd would have never reunited. Thank goodness for Jessica, the kind and caring good Samaritan twin.
A few days later at SVH. Liz and Todd are waiting for Jessica, because Liz hasn't quite forgiven her sister yet. Liz “accidentally” spills grape juice on Jessica, then gives her the “favorite sweater” (it's the pink one, guys, remember!?) to cover up the stain. Then Liz bails. Whatever could she be up to!?
We find out two seconds later, as a mob of students comes up to Jessica-as-Elizabeth and calls her out for being the writer of the gossip column. They pick her up (seriously, it’s like she’s crowd surfing, I’d be so pissed off) and take her to the pool, claiming that she can’t be Jessica, because Jessica wouldn’t be caught dead in that sweater.
Liz comes back, and she and Todd grin evilly as we hear Jessica being thrown into the pool. Uh, yes, the pool, which is apparently ten feet away from the school’s entrance. Odd. In the background, Jessica screams. Elizabeth and Todd kiss. All is well in Sweet Valley land.
EXCEPT WE DON’T ACTUALLY GET TO SEE THE POOL PUSH. What is up with that.
I hope you guys enjoyed, I posted it a little hastily... I am SO late for class. Oh well. ;)