Sweet Valley High #87: My Best Friend's Boyfriend
Sweet Valley High # 87: My Best Friend’s Boyfriend
I would say that some ghostwriter saw The Truth About Cats and Dogs and got inspired, but this book came out four years before that movie. Must just be a coincidence, then.
Though the guy isn’t much to write home about. That’s okay, the genius of this book is in the B Plot.
A Plot
A girl named Denise Hadley wants her best friend, Ginny Belasca, to volunteer for the Project Youth hotline, because she’s just a great listener. People at SVH are mystified about their friendship, since Denise is hot and Ginny is fug. Okay, really Ginny is “shy and self-effacing, and seemed to dress with the hope that she would be invisible.” In Sweet Valley terms, fug.
Denise and Ginny go shopping, and Denise tries to talk Ginny into trying on some pretty stuff. Ginny refuses because of how fug she is. Denise starts to get into how, if only Ginny would make a little effort, she might get a boyfriend, but Ginny shuts her down. Ginny agrees to call Project Youth and get some info on hotline volunteerism. Much is made of what a nice speaking voice Ginny has.
Ginny does her first training, listening to calls at Project Youth with Amy’s boyfriend Barry on the other line as a coach. Her second call is from a guy named Mike who goes to Big Mesa. His dad died from cancer two years ago, and his mom has just informed him that she’s getting remarried, when the poor guy didn’t even know she was dating anyone. What a horrible mother! Also, the new stepdad is super critical, and the kid just had to move and start at a new school, so it’s no wonder he’s about to lose it. Ginny tells him her dad died when she was ten and her mom got remarried a few years later. Blended families are always tough, but he should talk to his mom about his feelings. Mike says he’ll call back after he does that, and asks when she’ll be working again. He wants to make sure he talks to her, so he won’t have to tell the whole story all over again. He asks her name and she tells him.
That night, Denise and Ginny study together. Ginny tells her about Mike in vague terms, and Denise is all, “Woo! Did he sound cute?” Ginny tells her callers and counselors are definitely not allowed to meet, but Denise isn’t deterred. Also, Denise feels like her boyfriend, Jay, takes her for granted.
Thanks to Ginny’s advice, Mike works things out with his family. He’s so grateful that he wants to meet her. He says he just knows from her voice how gorgeous she is. She protests that she’s not, but he thinks she’s being modest. She refuses to meet him, since it’s against the rules, but he finally wears her down. The next day at school, Ginny begs Denise to meet Mike in her place. It’s just once, and he’ll be so disappointed to meet the real her and see that she’s not pretty. Denise is affronted, and insists that Ginny is pretty, and anyway, the guy already likes her so the hard part is over. Ginny cries, and Denise reluctantly agrees to the plan. She thinks Ginny’s making a huge mistake, though. And Ginny is heartbroken; she really likes Mike.
Denise fully intends to explain things to Mike right off and then set him and Ginny up. All that flies right out of her head when she sees him, though, because he is - say it with me! - hot. And he’s nice and sensitive, and she feels like she’s fallen in love at first sight. Never mind her boyfriend; he only cares about the basketball team. So, she pretends to be Ginny. She and Mike eat ice cream and walk around, and Mike apologizes. He can tell she feels uncomfortable (she’s just worried her charade will slip). He asks if she has a boyfriend, and she denies it and asks him out again. They make plans to go to the movies. Wow. So Denise is not only a cheating cheater, but she’s also stabbing her best friend in the back. She knows Ginny likes Mike, and promised Ginny this would only be a one-time meeting. What a bitch.
When Denise tells Ginny the story over the phone, she can tell Ginny is upset. Denise offers to not go out with him, but Ginny says no, this is what she wanted: for Mike to think she’s beautiful. Inside, though, she thinks it’s not fair that Denise already has a boyfriend and now gets to date another guy too. Ginny reminds her that she should break thinks off with Jay if she’s going to start up with Mike, and Denise gets kind of squirrely and hops off the phone.
Denise picks a fight with Jay in front of Ginny. After he storms off, Ginny tells her it’s not fair to be a bitch to Jay just because he’s not Mike. Denise blows her off and says she’s thinking of dumping Jay.
Mike calls Ginny at the hotline to angst about why a girl as pretty as she is would want to go out with him. He talks a lot about how, in dealing with his new stepdad, he’s learned about how important it is to be honest all the time. Ginny squirms, and kind of hates herself. Also, she realizes how boneheaded this plan was from a purely logistical standpoint: she has to pretend to know everything that Mike and Denise talked about when they were together, and Denise has to do the same with Ginny’s talks with Mike on the hotline.
The next day at school, Denise tells Ginny she’s broken up with Jay for Mike, and begs Ginny to come on the movie date with Mike and her. Ginny really doesn’t want to do that, since she lurves Mike herself, but she agrees. Maybe seeing Denise and Mike together will get any idea of Mike liking her out of her mind. Oh, this will end well.
On the weird tripod date, Mike and Ginny take an instant liking to each other. He’s sure he knows her from somewhere, but she changes the subject. Denise’s conversation with him is kind of stilted and weird, but he and Ginny get on like a house on fire. That’s such a weird expression. They all go for ice cream after, and when Ginny goes to the bathroom, Denise seizes her moment to tell Mike that she dumped her boyfriend for him. He’s like, “Wow, we’ve only met once. You shouldn’t have done that,” but she says she has a good feeling about them and asks him to lunch at the Box Tree Café that weekend. He agrees. Denise feels happy seeing him and Ginny get on so well, and wishes Ginny could be herself around more guys instead of being so shy. Then she’d have a boyfriend in no time!
Uh, Denise? I think she’s about to have your boyfriend, if you know what I mean.
Ginny fills in for one of Amy’s shifts at Project Youth. After fielding a call from Shelly Novak about how stupid she feels being tall, Mike calls. Dun dun dunnn! Panicked, Ginny tries to talk lower than usual so he won’t recognize her voice. She must sound so stupid. His problem? He met a girl in a penpal type situation (Ginny realizes he’s lying about that to keep her from getting in trouble for meeting a caller) and she helped him through a lot of stuff. Then he met her in person, and even though she’s super hot, he’s just not that into her. He feels obligated, though, because she dumped her boyfriend for him. Also, he’s met another girl he really likes, and she’s not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but she's pretty and funny and smart, and he really thinks they could have something. Ginny tells him to be honest with girl one, and is super jealous of girl two, whoever she is.
Anyone who does not realize that Ginny is girl two has just earned an F in Formulaic Teen Fiction 101.
Ginny and Denise go for ice cream. While Denise moons about how much she likes Mike, Ginny feels like crap for knowing Mike is about to dump her. Denise asks yet again if Ginny is upset because she likes Mike herself, and Ginny lies yet again that she doesn’t. Some best friends. This whole situation is so dysfunctional. Oh, and Denise misses her boyfriend a little.
At lunch, Mike tells Denise he doesn’t think it’s going to work out. She goes from being madly in love with him to being pretty philosophical about the breakup, all in the space of a breath or two. Then, hilariously, the whole charade comes crashing down as she and Mike walk out of the restaurant. Liz and Todd are walking in, and Liz says, “Hi, Denise! Say hi to Ginny for me!” HEE! AWKWARD!
Mike demands an explanation, and when Denise spills the whole stupid scheme to him, he’s like, “That’s dumb. Ginny is really pretty, and I liked her a ton!” He’s not even mad. Amazing. I’d be dying to wash my hands of these two psycho girls and their freaky plot. And then, Denise gets an idea. I can’t figure out whether she’s extremely shallow or unrealistically selfless, to go from adoring the guy that morning to fixing him up with her best friend that afternoon.
Mike calls the hotline up again and gets Ginny, but she pretends to be the chick with the deep voice again. He happily tells her that he dumped Denise, who wasn’t upset at all, and now he’s going to ask out the girl he’s liked all along! Ginny wonders who the lucky girl could be and, devastated, she pulls off her headphones and runs out of the call center, only to smack right into Mike! He’s all, “So, where do you want to go?” He’d been on the lobby payphone, apparently. He and Ginny schmoop at each other, and he tells her she’s pretty. They make plans to meet for ice cream. (So much ice cream in this book! It would make me crave some, if I had anything but these bizarre soy ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. Non dairy ice cream is never a good idea, kids. I speak from experience.)
Ginny calls Denise to thank her for steering Mike her way, and it turns out Denise has gotten back together with Jay. Um, okay. Good for them? I can’t help but feel like poor Jay is a bit of a sucker.
B Plot
Jess stops by Project Youth to pick Amy up for some shopping, and catches Amy at a bad moment. Amy is furious and freaked out, and in a moment of weakness, bends Project Youth’s confidentiality agreement to confess to Jess that she just got off the phone with a female high school student (though she won’t say which school) whose teacher has been aggressively coming on to her. The girl was terrified, and had no idea where to turn. Jess and Amy are both too upset by her story to go shopping, so they each go home instead.
Furious at the situation, Jess goes home and finds Liz and Todd watching TV. She tells them what Amy told her about the poor high school kid being sexually harassed by her teacher. Liz clutches her pearls about Amy's breach of confidentiality, but then goes outside to think. She wishes there were something she could do! But there is! She can write an article about sexual harassment!
The next day, Liz pitches the article to Penny, but doesn’t tell her about the Project Youth caller. John Pfeiffer butts in that it’s a great idea, but for a totally different reason from Liz’s: “There are lots of things that guys don’t realize are offensive to girls unless someone tells them. Men and women see things differently, and sometimes you have to tell guys how a girl sees a situation that might be scary to her.”
I’ll make it easy for you, John. RAPE SCARES WOMEN. Tattoo it on your arm so you don’t forget.
Mr. Collins walks in. When Liz tells him she wants to write an article about sexual harassment in schools, he TURNS PALE and demands to know if she’s heard from a specific girl who’s being harassed. What a perv. He’s so scared of being caught. Liz admits she hasn’t, and Mr. Collins gets even more tense. He’s like, “Careers are at stake. Don’t start a witch hunt.” Liz points out that saying an article about sexual harassment would start a witch hunt is like saying an article about anti-Semitism would lead people to paint swastikas on the walls. Mr. Collins does not like that at all, and bitches her out for trying to stir up trouble where none exists and ruin people’s lives. The teacher doth protest too much, methinks. She promises to show him a first draft and, with (in my opinion) suspicious unease, he leaves.
The next day, Liz is called to the principal’s office. Mr. Cooper forbids her from writing her article, because of the Suzanne Devlin thing. If a sexual harassment article showed up in the school newspaper, people might think Mr. Collins is at it again. (Hee. I am not even kidding. That’s seriously his reason.) Liz tries to argue, but Mr. Cooper’s word is final. No article.
At lunch the next day, Penny gets all het up about Liz’s article being killed: “Newspapers aren’t about making people feel good. Newspapers are about information that’s important.” She refuses to be told what she can and can not print in her own paper.
Erm. Penny? It’s not your paper. If the school funds it, it’s their paper. If Liz wanted to sue over this, she might win if Ned weren’t her lawyer, but it’s far from guaranteed. Jess is on Penny’s side, though: either it’s a student newspaper or it isn’t. Mr. Cooper has no right to censor it! (Except for how he does, if he has a legitimate pedagogical reason.) Jess suggests they just go ahead with the story and eat the consequences. She says: “Just do it, and face the music later. It works. Believe me, I do it all the time.” HA! Liz wants to try to convince Mr. Cooper one more time, but Jess is like, “Bring on the scandal!”
Liz blames Mr. Collins for the whole situation, and she is pissed at him. She thinks it was a crap thing for him to pull, running to the Principal before a word of the story had even been written. She steams at his hypocrisy, always telling the Oracle staff to make hard decisions, and then getting in her way when she does so. Furious, she decides she’ll go ahead with the article after all. I kind of love this! Another character - St. Liz, no less - actually realizing how much Mr. Collins sucks as a person! Amazing!
Liz and Penny angst about the article some more. Liz knows it would be horrible for a student to misconstrue simple friendliness from a teacher and make a false accusation because of what she wrote, but it would be even worse for a kid to be harassed for real and not know what to do. She presents both sides to Penny, and Penny’s like, “Psh, who cares about that anymore? I’m more concerned with our paper’s freedom.” (Penny? If the school funds it, you don’t have as much as you seem to think you do.) Anyway, Penny’s like, “Are we journalists or not? This isn’t a game! They can’t tell us certain subjects are off limits!” (Yes they can.) Liz and Penny agree, as editors of the paper - Since when is Liz an editor? - that it’s an article that needs to be written, and in their best judgment, it’s important to do it. So, that’s settled.
Liz leaves a first draft of her article on Mr. Collins’s desk, and gives another copy to Penny. It’s called “When We are Afraid to Speak” and you will never believe this, you guys. She made it all about herself, comparing sexual harassment to school paper censorship, and saying the school used intimidation to try to keep her quiet, just like harassers do to harassees. Ugh. Well, there goes all hope of this being a helpful, informative article. Now it’s just a grudge match. Penny thinks it’s one of the best things Liz has ever written, which isn’t saying much, but she knows the school would never let them print it. Liz asks why they can’t just print it and let everyone find out after. Who would know? Unfortunately, Mr. Cooper has just informed Penny that he’s going to be examining the galleys of the paper for the next few weeks. Penny thinks Mr. Cooper is a fascist. I crack up.
Mr. Collins comes in with her draft, grinning. He says that, if she’d turned it in for a grade, he’d have to invent a new score above A+. He must be so relieved that the article turned out to have nothing to do with real sexual harassment, and was instead all about how someone dared to stop Elizabeth Wakefield from getting her own way. He blows smoke at them about how they’re warriors for freedom because a democracy depends on a free press. Since when is high school a democracy? Hell, since when is the United States a democracy? That’s one of my pet peeves: The USA is a REPUBLIC, people. A Republic. Learn it, live it, love it. Anyway, pervy Mr. C tells them he’ll back them up with the article and apologizes for tattling to the principal. Liz forgives him. Lame.
Mr. Cooper sees the story in the galleys and tells Liz, Penny, and Mr. Collins off. All it will take is one parent reading the article to start a huge backlash! Parents already think the school administration is too liberal and permissive! I don’t see what that has to do with anything. Anyhow, the story is killed again. Mr. Collins is all, “Rough luck, girls. I can’t let you run it now, sorry.” Liz isn’t willing to let it go.
That night at dinner, she vents to her family. Jess rolls her eyes and is like, “If he won’t let you print it in the school paper, then make your own paper. Duh.” Liz is like, “I could do that!” and Jess is all, “It’s like you’re a counterculture revolutionary!” Erm. This is still Elizabeth we’re talking about, right? Ned offers to let Liz use his Xerox machine, and Jess offers to bake her a cake with a file in it when she goes to prison. Hee.
The Oracle staff, Todd, and Jess all hand out the article at school the next day, with a preface on why it’s being distributed in fliers instead of in the newspaper. They all thrill at their hard core civil disobedience, and Liz sighs self righteously about the incredible burden of honesty. It’s just as amusing as you’d imagine. All the kids at school react favorably, and Mr. Collins tells Liz and Penny he’s proud of them, but the three of them are summoned to Mr. Cooper’s office.
Liz is all, “OMG, I’ve never been called to the Principal’s office for a reprimand before! This must be what they mean about suffering for one’s convictions!” She’s such a loser. She tells Mr. Cooper that she thinks his decision was harmful to the school, and that she believes in her right to say what she wants and is prepared to take the consequences. He’s like, “Okay. It’s a fair article and I’m impressed by your willingness to defend your convictions. You can go.” She doesn’t even get in trouble? What was the point of this whole plot, then, other than to confirm Mr. Collins’s pervyness?
Liz can’t believe it either, and is all, “Are you serious?” Mr. Cooper is like, “Most kids at this school don’t even know what Constitutional rights are, but you were prepared to defend yours.” That says more bad things about the education at SVH than it does good things about Elizabeth. Penny is like, “And this shouldn’t happen in the future! Do you trust us or not!” He laughs all, “Ho ho ho, of course I do! Silly of me to doubt your wisdom, kids! Now run along!” Liz and Penny hug. Mr. Collins presumably watches, pervily.
The End
I would say that some ghostwriter saw The Truth About Cats and Dogs and got inspired, but this book came out four years before that movie. Must just be a coincidence, then.
Though the guy isn’t much to write home about. That’s okay, the genius of this book is in the B Plot.
A Plot
A girl named Denise Hadley wants her best friend, Ginny Belasca, to volunteer for the Project Youth hotline, because she’s just a great listener. People at SVH are mystified about their friendship, since Denise is hot and Ginny is fug. Okay, really Ginny is “shy and self-effacing, and seemed to dress with the hope that she would be invisible.” In Sweet Valley terms, fug.
Denise and Ginny go shopping, and Denise tries to talk Ginny into trying on some pretty stuff. Ginny refuses because of how fug she is. Denise starts to get into how, if only Ginny would make a little effort, she might get a boyfriend, but Ginny shuts her down. Ginny agrees to call Project Youth and get some info on hotline volunteerism. Much is made of what a nice speaking voice Ginny has.
Ginny does her first training, listening to calls at Project Youth with Amy’s boyfriend Barry on the other line as a coach. Her second call is from a guy named Mike who goes to Big Mesa. His dad died from cancer two years ago, and his mom has just informed him that she’s getting remarried, when the poor guy didn’t even know she was dating anyone. What a horrible mother! Also, the new stepdad is super critical, and the kid just had to move and start at a new school, so it’s no wonder he’s about to lose it. Ginny tells him her dad died when she was ten and her mom got remarried a few years later. Blended families are always tough, but he should talk to his mom about his feelings. Mike says he’ll call back after he does that, and asks when she’ll be working again. He wants to make sure he talks to her, so he won’t have to tell the whole story all over again. He asks her name and she tells him.
That night, Denise and Ginny study together. Ginny tells her about Mike in vague terms, and Denise is all, “Woo! Did he sound cute?” Ginny tells her callers and counselors are definitely not allowed to meet, but Denise isn’t deterred. Also, Denise feels like her boyfriend, Jay, takes her for granted.
Thanks to Ginny’s advice, Mike works things out with his family. He’s so grateful that he wants to meet her. He says he just knows from her voice how gorgeous she is. She protests that she’s not, but he thinks she’s being modest. She refuses to meet him, since it’s against the rules, but he finally wears her down. The next day at school, Ginny begs Denise to meet Mike in her place. It’s just once, and he’ll be so disappointed to meet the real her and see that she’s not pretty. Denise is affronted, and insists that Ginny is pretty, and anyway, the guy already likes her so the hard part is over. Ginny cries, and Denise reluctantly agrees to the plan. She thinks Ginny’s making a huge mistake, though. And Ginny is heartbroken; she really likes Mike.
Denise fully intends to explain things to Mike right off and then set him and Ginny up. All that flies right out of her head when she sees him, though, because he is - say it with me! - hot. And he’s nice and sensitive, and she feels like she’s fallen in love at first sight. Never mind her boyfriend; he only cares about the basketball team. So, she pretends to be Ginny. She and Mike eat ice cream and walk around, and Mike apologizes. He can tell she feels uncomfortable (she’s just worried her charade will slip). He asks if she has a boyfriend, and she denies it and asks him out again. They make plans to go to the movies. Wow. So Denise is not only a cheating cheater, but she’s also stabbing her best friend in the back. She knows Ginny likes Mike, and promised Ginny this would only be a one-time meeting. What a bitch.
When Denise tells Ginny the story over the phone, she can tell Ginny is upset. Denise offers to not go out with him, but Ginny says no, this is what she wanted: for Mike to think she’s beautiful. Inside, though, she thinks it’s not fair that Denise already has a boyfriend and now gets to date another guy too. Ginny reminds her that she should break thinks off with Jay if she’s going to start up with Mike, and Denise gets kind of squirrely and hops off the phone.
Denise picks a fight with Jay in front of Ginny. After he storms off, Ginny tells her it’s not fair to be a bitch to Jay just because he’s not Mike. Denise blows her off and says she’s thinking of dumping Jay.
Mike calls Ginny at the hotline to angst about why a girl as pretty as she is would want to go out with him. He talks a lot about how, in dealing with his new stepdad, he’s learned about how important it is to be honest all the time. Ginny squirms, and kind of hates herself. Also, she realizes how boneheaded this plan was from a purely logistical standpoint: she has to pretend to know everything that Mike and Denise talked about when they were together, and Denise has to do the same with Ginny’s talks with Mike on the hotline.
The next day at school, Denise tells Ginny she’s broken up with Jay for Mike, and begs Ginny to come on the movie date with Mike and her. Ginny really doesn’t want to do that, since she lurves Mike herself, but she agrees. Maybe seeing Denise and Mike together will get any idea of Mike liking her out of her mind. Oh, this will end well.
On the weird tripod date, Mike and Ginny take an instant liking to each other. He’s sure he knows her from somewhere, but she changes the subject. Denise’s conversation with him is kind of stilted and weird, but he and Ginny get on like a house on fire. That’s such a weird expression. They all go for ice cream after, and when Ginny goes to the bathroom, Denise seizes her moment to tell Mike that she dumped her boyfriend for him. He’s like, “Wow, we’ve only met once. You shouldn’t have done that,” but she says she has a good feeling about them and asks him to lunch at the Box Tree Café that weekend. He agrees. Denise feels happy seeing him and Ginny get on so well, and wishes Ginny could be herself around more guys instead of being so shy. Then she’d have a boyfriend in no time!
Uh, Denise? I think she’s about to have your boyfriend, if you know what I mean.
Ginny fills in for one of Amy’s shifts at Project Youth. After fielding a call from Shelly Novak about how stupid she feels being tall, Mike calls. Dun dun dunnn! Panicked, Ginny tries to talk lower than usual so he won’t recognize her voice. She must sound so stupid. His problem? He met a girl in a penpal type situation (Ginny realizes he’s lying about that to keep her from getting in trouble for meeting a caller) and she helped him through a lot of stuff. Then he met her in person, and even though she’s super hot, he’s just not that into her. He feels obligated, though, because she dumped her boyfriend for him. Also, he’s met another girl he really likes, and she’s not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but she's pretty and funny and smart, and he really thinks they could have something. Ginny tells him to be honest with girl one, and is super jealous of girl two, whoever she is.
Anyone who does not realize that Ginny is girl two has just earned an F in Formulaic Teen Fiction 101.
Ginny and Denise go for ice cream. While Denise moons about how much she likes Mike, Ginny feels like crap for knowing Mike is about to dump her. Denise asks yet again if Ginny is upset because she likes Mike herself, and Ginny lies yet again that she doesn’t. Some best friends. This whole situation is so dysfunctional. Oh, and Denise misses her boyfriend a little.
At lunch, Mike tells Denise he doesn’t think it’s going to work out. She goes from being madly in love with him to being pretty philosophical about the breakup, all in the space of a breath or two. Then, hilariously, the whole charade comes crashing down as she and Mike walk out of the restaurant. Liz and Todd are walking in, and Liz says, “Hi, Denise! Say hi to Ginny for me!” HEE! AWKWARD!
Mike demands an explanation, and when Denise spills the whole stupid scheme to him, he’s like, “That’s dumb. Ginny is really pretty, and I liked her a ton!” He’s not even mad. Amazing. I’d be dying to wash my hands of these two psycho girls and their freaky plot. And then, Denise gets an idea. I can’t figure out whether she’s extremely shallow or unrealistically selfless, to go from adoring the guy that morning to fixing him up with her best friend that afternoon.
Mike calls the hotline up again and gets Ginny, but she pretends to be the chick with the deep voice again. He happily tells her that he dumped Denise, who wasn’t upset at all, and now he’s going to ask out the girl he’s liked all along! Ginny wonders who the lucky girl could be and, devastated, she pulls off her headphones and runs out of the call center, only to smack right into Mike! He’s all, “So, where do you want to go?” He’d been on the lobby payphone, apparently. He and Ginny schmoop at each other, and he tells her she’s pretty. They make plans to meet for ice cream. (So much ice cream in this book! It would make me crave some, if I had anything but these bizarre soy ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. Non dairy ice cream is never a good idea, kids. I speak from experience.)
Ginny calls Denise to thank her for steering Mike her way, and it turns out Denise has gotten back together with Jay. Um, okay. Good for them? I can’t help but feel like poor Jay is a bit of a sucker.
B Plot
Jess stops by Project Youth to pick Amy up for some shopping, and catches Amy at a bad moment. Amy is furious and freaked out, and in a moment of weakness, bends Project Youth’s confidentiality agreement to confess to Jess that she just got off the phone with a female high school student (though she won’t say which school) whose teacher has been aggressively coming on to her. The girl was terrified, and had no idea where to turn. Jess and Amy are both too upset by her story to go shopping, so they each go home instead.
Furious at the situation, Jess goes home and finds Liz and Todd watching TV. She tells them what Amy told her about the poor high school kid being sexually harassed by her teacher. Liz clutches her pearls about Amy's breach of confidentiality, but then goes outside to think. She wishes there were something she could do! But there is! She can write an article about sexual harassment!
The next day, Liz pitches the article to Penny, but doesn’t tell her about the Project Youth caller. John Pfeiffer butts in that it’s a great idea, but for a totally different reason from Liz’s: “There are lots of things that guys don’t realize are offensive to girls unless someone tells them. Men and women see things differently, and sometimes you have to tell guys how a girl sees a situation that might be scary to her.”
I’ll make it easy for you, John. RAPE SCARES WOMEN. Tattoo it on your arm so you don’t forget.
Mr. Collins walks in. When Liz tells him she wants to write an article about sexual harassment in schools, he TURNS PALE and demands to know if she’s heard from a specific girl who’s being harassed. What a perv. He’s so scared of being caught. Liz admits she hasn’t, and Mr. Collins gets even more tense. He’s like, “Careers are at stake. Don’t start a witch hunt.” Liz points out that saying an article about sexual harassment would start a witch hunt is like saying an article about anti-Semitism would lead people to paint swastikas on the walls. Mr. Collins does not like that at all, and bitches her out for trying to stir up trouble where none exists and ruin people’s lives. The teacher doth protest too much, methinks. She promises to show him a first draft and, with (in my opinion) suspicious unease, he leaves.
The next day, Liz is called to the principal’s office. Mr. Cooper forbids her from writing her article, because of the Suzanne Devlin thing. If a sexual harassment article showed up in the school newspaper, people might think Mr. Collins is at it again. (Hee. I am not even kidding. That’s seriously his reason.) Liz tries to argue, but Mr. Cooper’s word is final. No article.
At lunch the next day, Penny gets all het up about Liz’s article being killed: “Newspapers aren’t about making people feel good. Newspapers are about information that’s important.” She refuses to be told what she can and can not print in her own paper.
Erm. Penny? It’s not your paper. If the school funds it, it’s their paper. If Liz wanted to sue over this, she might win if Ned weren’t her lawyer, but it’s far from guaranteed. Jess is on Penny’s side, though: either it’s a student newspaper or it isn’t. Mr. Cooper has no right to censor it! (Except for how he does, if he has a legitimate pedagogical reason.) Jess suggests they just go ahead with the story and eat the consequences. She says: “Just do it, and face the music later. It works. Believe me, I do it all the time.” HA! Liz wants to try to convince Mr. Cooper one more time, but Jess is like, “Bring on the scandal!”
Liz blames Mr. Collins for the whole situation, and she is pissed at him. She thinks it was a crap thing for him to pull, running to the Principal before a word of the story had even been written. She steams at his hypocrisy, always telling the Oracle staff to make hard decisions, and then getting in her way when she does so. Furious, she decides she’ll go ahead with the article after all. I kind of love this! Another character - St. Liz, no less - actually realizing how much Mr. Collins sucks as a person! Amazing!
Liz and Penny angst about the article some more. Liz knows it would be horrible for a student to misconstrue simple friendliness from a teacher and make a false accusation because of what she wrote, but it would be even worse for a kid to be harassed for real and not know what to do. She presents both sides to Penny, and Penny’s like, “Psh, who cares about that anymore? I’m more concerned with our paper’s freedom.” (Penny? If the school funds it, you don’t have as much as you seem to think you do.) Anyway, Penny’s like, “Are we journalists or not? This isn’t a game! They can’t tell us certain subjects are off limits!” (Yes they can.) Liz and Penny agree, as editors of the paper - Since when is Liz an editor? - that it’s an article that needs to be written, and in their best judgment, it’s important to do it. So, that’s settled.
Liz leaves a first draft of her article on Mr. Collins’s desk, and gives another copy to Penny. It’s called “When We are Afraid to Speak” and you will never believe this, you guys. She made it all about herself, comparing sexual harassment to school paper censorship, and saying the school used intimidation to try to keep her quiet, just like harassers do to harassees. Ugh. Well, there goes all hope of this being a helpful, informative article. Now it’s just a grudge match. Penny thinks it’s one of the best things Liz has ever written, which isn’t saying much, but she knows the school would never let them print it. Liz asks why they can’t just print it and let everyone find out after. Who would know? Unfortunately, Mr. Cooper has just informed Penny that he’s going to be examining the galleys of the paper for the next few weeks. Penny thinks Mr. Cooper is a fascist. I crack up.
Mr. Collins comes in with her draft, grinning. He says that, if she’d turned it in for a grade, he’d have to invent a new score above A+. He must be so relieved that the article turned out to have nothing to do with real sexual harassment, and was instead all about how someone dared to stop Elizabeth Wakefield from getting her own way. He blows smoke at them about how they’re warriors for freedom because a democracy depends on a free press. Since when is high school a democracy? Hell, since when is the United States a democracy? That’s one of my pet peeves: The USA is a REPUBLIC, people. A Republic. Learn it, live it, love it. Anyway, pervy Mr. C tells them he’ll back them up with the article and apologizes for tattling to the principal. Liz forgives him. Lame.
Mr. Cooper sees the story in the galleys and tells Liz, Penny, and Mr. Collins off. All it will take is one parent reading the article to start a huge backlash! Parents already think the school administration is too liberal and permissive! I don’t see what that has to do with anything. Anyhow, the story is killed again. Mr. Collins is all, “Rough luck, girls. I can’t let you run it now, sorry.” Liz isn’t willing to let it go.
That night at dinner, she vents to her family. Jess rolls her eyes and is like, “If he won’t let you print it in the school paper, then make your own paper. Duh.” Liz is like, “I could do that!” and Jess is all, “It’s like you’re a counterculture revolutionary!” Erm. This is still Elizabeth we’re talking about, right? Ned offers to let Liz use his Xerox machine, and Jess offers to bake her a cake with a file in it when she goes to prison. Hee.
The Oracle staff, Todd, and Jess all hand out the article at school the next day, with a preface on why it’s being distributed in fliers instead of in the newspaper. They all thrill at their hard core civil disobedience, and Liz sighs self righteously about the incredible burden of honesty. It’s just as amusing as you’d imagine. All the kids at school react favorably, and Mr. Collins tells Liz and Penny he’s proud of them, but the three of them are summoned to Mr. Cooper’s office.
Liz is all, “OMG, I’ve never been called to the Principal’s office for a reprimand before! This must be what they mean about suffering for one’s convictions!” She’s such a loser. She tells Mr. Cooper that she thinks his decision was harmful to the school, and that she believes in her right to say what she wants and is prepared to take the consequences. He’s like, “Okay. It’s a fair article and I’m impressed by your willingness to defend your convictions. You can go.” She doesn’t even get in trouble? What was the point of this whole plot, then, other than to confirm Mr. Collins’s pervyness?
Liz can’t believe it either, and is all, “Are you serious?” Mr. Cooper is like, “Most kids at this school don’t even know what Constitutional rights are, but you were prepared to defend yours.” That says more bad things about the education at SVH than it does good things about Elizabeth. Penny is like, “And this shouldn’t happen in the future! Do you trust us or not!” He laughs all, “Ho ho ho, of course I do! Silly of me to doubt your wisdom, kids! Now run along!” Liz and Penny hug. Mr. Collins presumably watches, pervily.
The End