Sweet Valley High #84: The Stolen Diary
Sweet Valley High #84: The Stolen Diary
I think I’ve said before how much I love books where bad things happen to Elizabeth and Jessica gets to be awesome and bail her out. This is one of those times.
This scene never happens in the book.
A Plot
Remember how, in the last story, Steve and Cara almost got married and Todd flipped out about how they were too young for commitment? He’s still flipping. He stands Liz and Enid up at lunch, but that’s okay because Enid really wanted to talk to Liz alone about how much she misses Hugh, her ex boyfriend. Liz is like, “Then call him and tell him so,” but Enid doesn’t want to get rejected. She’d rather just sit by the phone and cry. What a loser. She swears Liz to secrecy.
On the way home from school, Liz asks Jess for help on attracting a guy from another school. She pretends to be asking for an Oracle article, but really she wants some tips for Enid. Jess happily agrees to help.
That night, Todd and Liz study together at the library, but Todd is distant the whole time. On the way home, when Liz off-handedly says she’d missed him at lunch, he totally blows up at her all, “JUST BECAUSE WE’RE DATING DOESN’T MEAN YOU OWN ME!” She’s like, “I…know?” and he’s like, “YOU WANTED TO DATE THAT ABSURDLY HOT BOWLER!” and she’s like, “Not…really?” and he’s like, “WE NEED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE, BUT LET’S STAY FRIENDS!” Liz runs out of the car.
Jess gets home, sees immediately that Liz has been crying, and knows Todd did something dumb. Hee. Liz tells her they’re doing a trial separation and swears about fifteen times that that it’s completely mutual, so of course Jess doesn’t buy it for a moment and is like, “Is he seeing someone else?” Liz doesn’t think so: cheating’s usually her department, after all. Jess confidently swears that she’ll make sure Liz has so much fun in the next few weeks, she won’t even have time to miss stupid Todd before he comes to his senses. She’s a good sister in this book.
Liz decides to distract herself from her breakup by helping Enid get back together with Hugh. They make a plan to go to Big Mesa, since Jess’s first tip on snagging a boy from a different town is to make sure he remembers you’re alive.
The next day at school, Jess is quite proud of herself for not telling anyone about Todd’s and Liz’s breakup, so you can imagine how shocked she is when, at lunch, Caroline and Lila know all about it. In fact, they know even more than Jess herself: apparently Todd actually dumped Liz for a girl named Peggy Abbot. She’s had a crush on him forever, got him to give her some special tutoring in math - “She doesn’t need help with division,” Miss Lila snarks - and that was the ball game. Jess is appalled that Todd would have the nerve to dump Liz for another girl, and to help Liz save face she tells everyone that it actually happened the other way around: Liz got bored of Todd, so Peggy must be his rebound. Lila teases Jess for getting so defensive about boring Liz and her boring love life, but Jess doesn’t see the humor. She tells everyone, “If Liz wants a new boyfriend, all she’ll have to do is snap her fingers.”
That evening, Liz avoids Jess by burying herself in school and Oracle work. Jess tries to get her to go to the movies the next night with a group, but Liz turns her down. Jess knows exactly what Liz is doing, throwing herself into work to take her mind off the breakup, and vows to not let her get away with it. Also, she tells Liz about the Peggy rumors, because she wants Liz to find out from her, in private, instead of from some random person at school. Liz laughs them off, though, because she and Todd just broke up the day before! How could he already be seeing someone else? It’s impossible. Jess points out that it’s actually super-possible, but Liz won’t believe anything from Lila and Caroline, since they’re so gossipy.
Liz and Enid go to Big Mesa’s version of the Dairi Burger, run into Hugh, and have a soda with him. He and Enid get along wonderfully. Liz says the next step, per Jessica, is to think of a brilliant excuse to call him. They decide Enid should phone the next day and tell him she lost an earring at the restaurant, and would he ask about it next time he’s there? Enid’s feeling pretty good.
As Liz is driving Enid home, they spot Todd and Peggy in Todd’s car, laughing. Liz isn’t discounting Lila and Caroline so much anymore, and is pretty pissed. In fact, when she gets home and sees that Jess has already started making dinner, Liz yells at her instead of being grateful. Jess is like, “Okay, you need to chill. I’m not the one you’re mad at,” and Liz says she can go to the movies that night after all. Then she panics because she can’t find her journal. Jess is stupefied: “You carry your journal around with you in public? What if you lose your bag?” Liz remembers that she put the journal in her coat pocket, and Jess marvels at how stunningly dumb her sister can be sometimes.
Alice makes Jess tell her what the hell is going on with Liz and Todd.
Enid writes out a script for her phone call to Hugh, but throws it away because it’s not funny or exciting, the way Jessica would be in her situation. Well, at least she’s self-aware. She calls, and is relieved to get the answering machine. Then she leaves the longest, rambliest, dorkiest message you can imagine. It's like that part in Swingers where he calls the girl twenty times, except she only does it once. As soon as she hangs up, the phone rings. She answers, thinking it’s Liz, but it’s Hugh. Enid’s so surprised she drops half a bottle of salad dressing all over the floor. Oh. Slapstick. How amusing.
Jess drags Liz to the mall, and Jess confesses that she spilled to Alice. She apologizes profusely, but Liz doesn’t really mind. She knew their mom would find out eventually. Jess says, “That’s the nice thing about fathers. They give you money, and they compliment you when you look nice, but you’re usually through your crisis before they even notice you’re having one.” Um. That doesn’t describe my father at all, who has always been extremely supportive of me, and involved and interested in what’s going on in my life, but it does describe Neglectful Ned so good on the ghostwriter, I guess.
Liz enjoys herself the rest of the weekend. She has fun at the mall with Jess, and then Jess takes her to a barbeque and the beach, where they get tons of male attention. Liz isn’t interested in any of the boys, but feels validated that they all think she’s hot. That doesn’t seem very healthy to me. At school, she feels even better about herself when she sees how many boys are checking her out. One kid stares at her, and then smiles. She smiles back and then kicks herself for “encouraging strange boys.” Oh, lord.
Just then, Enid runs up all excited because Hugh found her earring. Except…she never actually lost an earring, right? I don’t get it. But she’s made plans to meet him at a park to get the phantom earring, and Liz says she can borrow the Fiat. Too bad for Enid the car breaks down two miles from the park, so she misses her date with Hugh. She cries.
Liz bumps into the staring kid and her stuff goes flying. As he helps her pick it up, she remembers his name is Kris Lynch, and he’s a senior and an artist whose work Olivia frequently praises. He asks her to a dance that weekend (of course there’s a dance!), and Liz thinks it’s kind of forward and weird to do that without any conversation first, or even introducing herself. Plus, she’s kind of hoping Todd will come to his senses and ask her himself, so she tells Kris she’s not sure what her plans are. He gives her his phone number and says she should call him when she finds out what she’s doing. Enid thinks Liz should go for it, since Kris is super hot with amazing eyes. Liz broods over what the good is of being a perfect size six with sun streaked blonde hair and eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean if the boy she loves doesn’t love her back. Hee.
Not ten minutes later, Todd catches Liz in the parking lot and wants to talk to her about the dance. Liz thinks he’s about to ask her and is relieved she hadn’t said yes to Kris, but crashes back to Earth when Todd says, “I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else. I’m going with Peggy Abbot.” Liz tells him fine, she’s going with a senior, and Todd doesn’t seem to like that at all. He doesn’t smile when he says, “See, isn’t this working out well!” and Liz is like, “We should’ve done it a long time ago,” and swans off. Ha. What a tool. He thought he could get some sophomore tail and then find Liz waiting right where he left her, and now he’s busted. That night, Liz calls Kris and says she’ll go with him, and then writes in her diary that he’s probably another jerk like Todd, but at least it’s only one date. Then she chastises herself for thinking badly of Kris without any proof.
Liz? You will soon find out that Kris is a little more than a jerk. He’s kind of a male Jessica, in her more sociopathic moments. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Enid points out that Liz has sort of painted herself into a corner at this point. She hates the separation, but Todd thinks she loves it, so even if he wanted to call it off, he can’t now. Liz points out that Todd loves being with Peggy, and Enid’s like, “You don’t know that for sure.” Liz tells Enid to stop taking Liz’s advice about her love life, then, if Liz is that messed up. Wow, touchy. Enid laughs at her and calls Hugh to explain about the breakdown. They make a new date to exchange the earring that they both know full well doesn’t really exist. This is getting absurd. This time, Enid waits and Hugh doesn’t show up. Enid thinks he’s done it on purpose to get revenge for her standing him up the other day. She cries.
Caroline and Lila hear the rumor that Kris and Liz are going to the dance together and think it’s hilarious, since Kris is arty and intense and moody, and Liz…isn’t any of those things. Lila says the only normal thing about Kris is that his dad belongs to the country club. He doesn’t even play any sports! Amy protests that Kris is super hot, and none of the girls disagree, but they all do think he’s not right for Liz. Even Jess thinks so, and gets kind of concerned when Caroline blithely says it’s common knowledge that Kris has been in love with Liz for ages, but never had the courage to say anything when Todd was around. He’s even written poems about her! Lila says, “They must be short poems.” HA! Jess worries that the last thing Liz needs is a boy who’s serious about her, but then sees Todd and Peggy schmooping on each other and decides not to warn Liz about Kris’s feelings until after the dance. After all, it’s just one date and she deserves a good time.
Dance time! Liz wants to back out, but Jess won’t let her. She says, “Have you heard Peggy laugh? She sounds like a donkey. You wouldn’t want her to laugh at you, and she won’t if you show up at the dance with a hot senior.” Liz does sort of like the idea of making Todd jealous, and she’s too proud to let him think she couldn’t get a date, so she resolves to go after all. Jess bounces off with Sam, and then. And then!
Kris pulls up in a chauffer-driven pink Cadillac. He must have really hustled on his Mary Kay Cosmetics commissions, you guys! Ned looks out the window and is like, “Wait! That’s not Todd! Where’s Todd!” What an idiot. But he thinks Kris looks like a movie star. Liz kind of agrees: she’s never seen him dressed up before, and he’s apparently stunning. Just like every other Sweet Valley resident, so I don’t know why they’re so shocked by it anymore. With a sinking feeling, Liz realizes that this isn’t just some date to him, it’s special. She feels like crap.
Kris confesses that he’s a little nervous: he’s never been to a dance before. And they didn’t run him out of town on a rail? How did that slip past the censors? As soon as they get to SVH they run into Todd and his chippie. Todd stares at Liz longingly, so Liz introduces Kris and, all aloof ice bitch-style, pretends to have no idea what Peggy’s name is. Hee. I have so fully done that. It’s one of the best snubs ever. Then Peggy makes it even better:
Peggy: [donkey laugh] I’ve heard so much about you. Of course, I see you around school a lot. You look just like your sister, don’t you?
Kris: [tries not to crack up]
Liz: We’re twins.
Peggy: [donkey laugh] I guessed you were. I mean, sometimes it’s hard to tell you apart, isn’t it?
Liz: Not really. I’m the older one.
Peggy: Isn’t that amazing? You really don’t look older, do you!
Todd: [Humiliated by how stupid Peggy is, drags her away.]
That was an awesome scene.
Liz has an awful time at the dance. Instead of paying attention to Kris, she spends the whole time staring at Todd and Peggy, who are having a great time. She feels so bad for neglecting Kris that she agrees to go to the movies with him. She feels like she owes him a second date after being such a downer on the first, even though he went through so much trouble.
Jess does not see it the same way, though. She’s like, “Well, anyway, you got to ride in an awesome pink Cadillac, and now you never have to see him again.” She’s not pleased at all when she hears Liz has agreed to go out with Kris again even though she doesn’t like him, and is like, “Did he put a gun to your head and force you to say yes?” Jess would know all about that. And, hey! That guy was named Chris too! (With a C, but still!) She lectures Liz about leading Kris on, and when Liz gets all het up about how Jess has no room to talk, Jess explains, “People expect me to lead them on. Not you. It’s like being lied to by George Washington.” She thinks Liz has to cancel the movie date: it’s unfair to Kris.
Liz finally agrees: she doesn’t want Kris to think she’s interested when really she’s just being polite. She decides to talk to him before school. Unfortunately, when she gets to SVH she sees Todd straight off. He looks kind of panicky and won’t make eye contact. Liz, trying to sound casual, asks him if he’s free for lunch that day, since they’re supposed to still be friends and all. Todd looks everywhere but at her and says he’s supposed to eat with Peggy and her friends, but maybe next week sometime? Liz is like, “Whatever,” sees Kris, and takes off after him. Todd watches her go. Needless to say, she does not wind up cancelling the date.
At the moment, I confess, I feel kind of bad for Kris.
Hugh calls a lot to apologize for standing Enid up, but Enid won’t talk to him. She eventually caves, though, and goes to the bike shop in Big Mesa where Hugh works. She walks in on him with his arms around a hot redhead, and when they pull away from each other Enid sees that the girl has Hugh’s class ring around her neck. Oh! I’d forgotten about that! I totally wore my boyfriend’s class ring too when we were in high school. Hee. Enid runs out, and Hugh chases after her but doesn’t catch her before she reaches her car and peels out. Enid cries and tells Liz she’s going to join a convent.
Jess begs Liz to take Kris on his own terms and not spend the whole night comparing him to Todd, but that doesn’t work too well. First off, he shows up in a black t-shirt, faded jeans, and a hoop earring:
Oh come on. Like you weren’t thinking it too.
Liz has a pretty good time on the date, actually. Kris is smart and interesting and funny. After the movie, they go to the Dairi Burger and her good mood is instantly crushed because Todd and Peggy are there, and all over each other. Liz and Kris sit in the back where Liz won’t have to look at the happy couple and, trying to keep the conversation going, Liz asks Kris what he likes to do. He says, “I paint, draw, and think about you.”
CREEPY.
Okay, I’m sorry, but that’s where my stranger danger would kick in. Either the guy is super corny, and why would I want to date a corny person, or he’s a creepy creepy creep, but either way, I swear to God, that sentence? On a second date? Automatic discard.
Not for Liz, though.
She goes straight upstairs when she gets home, saying she has a lot to write in her journal. Jess asks her parents what they think Liz writes: “Dear Diary, Today I went to school. I got another A. I wrote another article for The Oracle. I went home and did my homework.” Hee. If only she knew it’s more like, “Dear Diary, today I had another torrid secret affair with one of Jessica’s boyfriends.”
Lila tells Jess that Kris is saying to everyone that Liz is his girlfriend, and Jess is like, “Not so much, no.” Apparently Lila knows, practically down to the minute, all of the time Liz and Kris have spent together in the last week. Jess observes that it’s too bad Lila more interested in shopping than international politics, because she’d make a great spy.
I would pay actual money to read that spinoff series. Please make Lila a spy in Sweet Valley Confidential, Francine! Please!
Jess is like, “MYOB about Liz, Lila.” Lila’s like, “Okay, I’ll give you that it’s none of my business, but it’s definitely Kris’s business, and if they’re not a couple then it’s kind of shitty for Liz to let him think they are.” Point to Lila. Even Jess knows Liz is just doing this because she’s still upset about Todd. And, okay, believe it or not, I do understand. It’s not like I’ve never led one boy on because I was pissed off with another one: this is actually just the kind of immature relationship crap high school girls do (Or college girls. Or…er…grad school girls), so I’m kind of impressed at the realistic storyline so far. Pink Cadillac notwithstanding, obviously.
Jess tries to talk to Liz about correcting Kris’s mistaken impression of their relationship, and Liz, unconcerned, says, “We’ve never even kissed. I’m sure he knows there’s no chemistry between us.” Jess isn’t so sure, and starts to worry.
Enid agrees with Jess and Lila, but Liz blows her off too. Also, Enid hasn’t spoken to Hugh since walking in on him with the redhead, but suddenly she’s seeing him everywhere around town. Maria Santelli’s having a party, and stops by their table to make sure Enid’s coming. When Liz is like, “Don’t you want to know if I’m coming?” Maria’s like, “Your boyfriend already said you guys would be there!” Liz knows she has to talk to Kris, and decides to do it at Maria’s, so she’ll have a day or so to work out what to say.
Oh, sure. Dump the shy, intense, sensitive guy who’s never had a girlfriend before at a party where the whole school is there instead of doing it in private, insensitive wench.
Liz clues in pretty fast that her plan was stupid: the party is way too loud and crowded to have a conversation. And then, unfortunately, when she tells Kris she wants to be alone with him he takes it completely the wrong way. Can she blame him? Liz drags him off to Mr. Santelli’s study, but who do you think is already in there? Todd and Peggy, natch: they’re on the couch and his arms are around her. Liz backs out quickly and Kris is like, “Don’t be upset!” and starts making out with her while she tries not to cry. How stunningly romantic. Liz kisses him back, because it’s validation that, even though Todd doesn’t love her anymore, that doesn’t mean nobody finds her attractive. No, Liz! Situations like this never end well! And it’s not like she’s doing this on purpose to hurt Kris, but that’s what’s going to happen.
Still kissing her, Kris starts to pull her down the stairs. (He wants to make out with her in the basement? Say what?) Liz remembers everything Enid and Jess have been saying, and realizes that it’s really horrible of her to use Kris to get back at Todd. She does not handle it in the best way, though: she shoves him and yells, “Stop it! I want to get out of here!” They get in his car. Kris thinks Liz wants to go to Miller’s Point, but she tells him to take her home. Then he thinks she means her parents are out and they can have the house to themselves (wow, this guy moves fast) and Liz is like, “How can you not understand why I’m so upset!” Because you haven’t told him, freakshow, that’s why. You’ve gone out with him three times now and had your tongue in his mouth for the last half hour; is it so bizarre that he thinks you’re into him?
Liz coldly tells him she wants to go home and not go out with him anymore. He’s kind of blindsided, and is like, “But you asked me to a party and made out with me!” Liz is like, “I didn’t want to make out with you, I wanted to dump you!” Kris, understandably pissed, starts to yell at her for leading him on and making him look stupid in front of the whole school. Liz is astonished that someone she knew full well cared about her, whom she used and treated poorly, might actually be angry at her for it, and the ghostwriter gives us this gem: “Elizabeth was used to Todd’s even temper and reasonableness.”
HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Todd! Reasonable! Even tempered! I have tears in my eyes from the laughter. Oh, ghostwriter, you so crazy.
Liz shrieks at Kris to pull the car over, which he does. She goes to get out of the car, and this is where Kris krosses the line from kontemptuous to just plain krazy. Kris grabs Liz by the arm and is like, “You’re just teasing me, right? This is for real! You can’t have kissed me like that if you didn’t mean it! You want to go out with me, I know you do!” and tries to kiss her again. Liz screams and, in the struggle, her purse spills everywhere in his car. This brings Kris up short, and he realizes how he just acted. He apologizes profusely, but Liz yells at him, gathers up her stuff, and runs away. He speeds off before she’s even all the way out the door.
Wow.
Jess gets worried when she sees Liz bolt from the party, so she makes Sam take her home. She finds Liz sobbing in her room, and Liz tells her everything. Jess holds Liz and lets her cry, and is like, “Well, at least it’s over now.” Liz cries even harder: everything is over, Todd and Kris. Also, she can’t find her journal again. Jess says she probably left it in the Oracle office.
Hands up if you see where this is going. We’re finally getting to The Stolen Diary portion of The Stolen Diary, and with only three chapters to go, it’s not a moment too soon. They should’ve called this book Elizabeth and Todd Break Up Again.
At school, Liz opens her locker and Kris sidles up between her and it. He gives her a flower and apologizes some more for losing it over the weekend. He tells her he knew she’d just broken up with Todd, he pushed her too fast, and there’s no excuse for how he acted in the car. Liz apologizes for using him, and they part on okay terms. Liz actually feels pretty friendly towards him, and is also relieved when she finds her journal in her locker.
At lunch, Todd asks Liz if they can talk after school. He still won’t make eye contact. She’s about to snot at him, but instead says yes.
Caroline and Lila each separately tell Jess that it’s all over school that Liz and Kris left the party so fast because Liz was dragging him to Miller’s Point, where they had a “wild time” (Caroline) and a “night of passion” (Miss Lila). Jess is enraged, and makes them both promise to set straight anyone they catch saying so. She’s going to kill whoever’s spreading this rumor.
I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side, y’all.
After school, Todd tells Liz that what she’d actually walked in on at the Santellis' was him dumping Peggy. He realized that it was a huge mistake to break up with Liz, and he wants to get back together. He says, “As soon as we started going out I knew we weren’t right for each other, but Peggy really seemed to like me, and I guess I just found myself going along with it.” What a winner. I’d have let him twist a little, but Liz takes him back immediately. There’s much hugging and crying.
Jess tells Liz about the rumors, and Liz thinks they’re ridiculous. She’s like, “Anyone who knows me will know it’s not true. Caroline and Lila are just stirring things up.” Jess protests that this could turn into a serious situation: C&L are gossips but not malicious. When Liz laughs, Jess allows that, okay, they’re not too malicious. Hee. Liz doesn’t care, she’s just thrilled to be back with Todd.
Jean West asks Enid about the rumors of Liz screwing Kris’s brains out at Miller’s Point, and Enid’s like, “No, they broke up.” Jean tells her, “That’s not what he says,” and Enid snaps, “Well, it’s what I say, and I’m her best friend, so I think I would know.”
Peggy tells Todd about the rumors, and Todd laughs at her. He’s like, “I know you’re pissed that I dumped you, but seriously. This is pretty amateur.” Peggy says Kris himself told her he had to fight Liz off, and that’s exactly where I would call bullshit. What seventeen year old boy would fight off the hot blonde he’s worshiped for ages? People at this school are so stupid. Actually, Todd comes to the same conclusion, because he’s like, “Kris is saying this? Gotta go, Peggy. It’s punching time.” He and his reasonableness and even temper storm off to kick Kris's ass.
Todd marches up to Kris, and Kris is like, “Whatever. You don’t know the real her. I know things about you that you think nobody knows,” and tells Todd a bunch of stuff about his relationship with Liz: their arguments, romantic times, saving the whales, punching.... Todd’s world crashes down. How could Elizabeth have betrayed him like this? Kris cracks up and tells Todd that Liz is only pretending to get back together with him as revenge for running around on her with Peggy. Kris is the one she really loves! Todd runs away, leaving Kris’s nose intact.
Enid tells Kris off for spreading rumors about Liz, and Kris’s smile doesn’t even waver. He has no idea what she’s talking about! He’s only told the truth about Liz! Enid starts to yell, and Kris, calm as ever, is like, “I’m surprised Liz hasn’t told you about our relationship! She’s told me all about you!” He recites a list: wanting to get back with Hugh, the lost earring, the redhead in the bike shop (Kris thinks she should’ve let Hugh explain - HEE!) the meth-taking past.... Enid is devastated and runs away.
Todd’s supposed to pick Liz up for a date, but after she waits fifty minutes, she calls to see where he is. He yells at her that she should just date KRIS since she LOVES him so much, and hangs up on her. Liz cries: how could Todd believe those rumors? She calls Enid, who also yells and hangs up on her.
Jess comes home from her date with Sam and goes to Liz’s room to find out how dinner with Todd went. She finds Liz out cold, having very obviously cried herself to sleep. Liz’s diary is open on the bed next to her. Jess reads the last line, something about Todd and Enid believing the rumors, and is indignant. She puts the diary away and goes to her room to think: Todd and Enid both know Liz too well to believe a stupid sex rumor, so there must be something more to it. And that means there’s only one thing for Jess to do: find out what that something is.
I really like Jess when she gets all protective like this.
At school the next day, Todd runs away when he sees Liz and Enid shrieks at her in the middle of the hallway. Jess is only person who treats her normally: she walks Liz to every class with their arms linked, chattering away. Aw! Kris grins and winks every time he sees her, which is freaky. Jess knows Liz feels powerless to stop whatever is happening to her, and is like, “Thank God I’m not powerless, just enraged.” She walks right up to Enid and demands to know what the hell her problem is. Enid yells about how Liz knows exactly what she did! She blabbed all of Enid’s secrets to Kris! Jess is like, “That’s impossible. She won’t even tell your secrets to me.” Hee. Enid cries that she knows Liz is trustworthy, but the only way Kris could’ve known all that stuff is from Liz.
Jess accosts Todd next and asks straight out if Liz told Kris private things about Todd. Todd’s like, “She told you about it?” and Jess is all, “No, she has no idea. I just guessed.” After she explains, Todd says the same thing Enid did: it’s so hard to believe Liz would betray them, but what else can he think? Jess is like, “That’s why Kris is my next stop.” The claws come out.
Jess charges right up to Kris and knows just by looking at him that he’s a schemer, just like she is. She sweetly tells him that, if he doesn’t stop spreading rumors about Liz, she’ll have no choice but to force him. Kris is like, “I can’t believe you don’t know how close Liz and I are. I mean, she told me all about you,” and then he recites the trouble she got into with the teen party line, the time she tried to turn all the cheerleaders against Claire Middleton, and other random intimate details of her life. Funnily enough, he does not mention Liz’s secret affair with Sam, which would’ve been the biggest, most amazing checkmate of all time.
He finishes his recitation and expects her to be devastated, like Todd and Enid were. He’s a little taken aback when Jess gets up in his face instead and, somehow both calm and enraged, tells him that she doesn’t know how he knows those things, but Liz never told him, and she’s going to get to the bottom of things.
Jess tells her dad she has a mystery to solve, and Ned quotes Sherlock Holmes: “Once you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever’s left, no matter how improbable, must be the solution.” Jess mulls that over for a few hours, and then something clicks in her head. Kris must have read Liz’s diary. It was missing after the party, after all, and didn’t turn up again until after he’d visited her at her open locker.
Jess fills Lila in, and Lila is appalled that anyone would treat Liz that way. She immediately offers to spread some horrible nasty rumors about Kris, and Jess happily thinks that this is exactly why Lila’s her best friend. Hee. Jess doesn’t want to go there yet, but she wants to convince him that that’s what she and Lila will do if he doesn’t publically apologize to Liz and admit he’s been lying. Lila laughs happily at the thought of revenge and drives Jess to Kris’s so she can be in on it too.
Miss Lila Fowler, ladies and gentlemen.
They barge right into Kris’s house and Jess informs him that she knows he stole Liz’s diary and read it, so if he doesn’t apologize like now, she’s going to tell everyone she knows, everyone Lila knows, and everyone Sam knows that Kris is a thief and a liar. Best part? It’ll be true! She won’t even have to make things up, the way he did with Liz! He’ll have no friends! Woo!
Kris is defeated. Miserably, he tells Jess it didn’t happen the way she thinks: he didn’t steal the diary so much as he read it after Liz dropped it in his car. He was going to return it the next day, but he was so upset and had been crazy about her for so long, he read the diary thinking he’d feel better about being dumped if she’d written at least one nice thing about him. Problem was, she hadn’t. She’d only been using him, and he was so hurt. Jess tells him it’s no excuse, and he knows that. Jess feels sorry for him, though. She tells him she doesn’t know what Liz wrote in her diary, but she does know Liz liked Kris quite well as a friend, and that’s why she decided to stop seeing him: it was unfair.
Kris miserably tells Jess that all he knows is he loved Liz so much, and the whole time she was leading him on. He never intended to turn everyone against her, it just snowballed. Jess sympathizes. Lord knows she’s hatched enough psychotic plots that wound up ruining Liz’s reputation; Jess can see how easily one could find oneself in that predicament. HEE! I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING, THAT’S WHAT SHE THINKS. I want to send this ghostwriter a fan letter. Jess puts her hand on Kris’s shoulder and offers to help him out.
This book is crazytown.
Jess asks Todd and Enid to meet her at the Dairi Burger, and she and Kris head over. Kris still can’t believe what he did. He’s having the same remorse Jess always feels after she gets caught turning the school against Liz for no reason. He concludes it must have been temporary insanity. Jess decides that she actually really likes Kris. After all, they’re so much alike! HA! This is awesome!
Kris confesses to Todd and Enid, and they both feel like absolute crap. Todd can’t believe he treated Liz so horribly. Enid sobs and sobs: after all Liz has done for her, Enid turned on her the first time someone put a doubt in her mind! She cries, “If I were Elizabeth, I’d never forgive me!” Jess nonchalantly sips her milkshake and says, “It’s probably pretty lucky for you that you’re not Elizabeth.” Snap!
Jess doesn’t tell Liz everything has been straightened out, because she doesn’t want to spoil the surprise Todd, Enid, and Kris have for her. So she lets Liz go on being miserable for one more night? That’s the Jess we know and love. Liz tells Jess how grateful she is to have her for a twin, and Jess is like, “Cool! Can I borrow your shirt, then?”
Jess drags Liz to the Oracle office the next day, and Todd, Enid, and Kris are there waiting for her. Kris apologizes for spreading the rumor and lying, and Todd and Enid apologize for believing said lies. Enid sobs some more about what a shitty friend she is. Kris has written up a full confession and apology and wants her to put it on the front page of the paper. Seriously? Liz, Enid, and Todd have a group hug. Enid’s still crying when the scene ends.
Enid and Hugh get back together. It turns out the redhead was just a friend who was crying because she’d just broken up with her boyfriend. Everyone is happy. They agree the earring ruse was pretty stupid.
B Plot
The Fiat breaks down all the time. Jess badgers her parents about getting a Jeep. That’s really all there is to it. It’s really just a lead-in anyway for the next book, when Jess’s favorite soap opera is having auditions.
The End!
I think I’ve said before how much I love books where bad things happen to Elizabeth and Jessica gets to be awesome and bail her out. This is one of those times.
This scene never happens in the book.
A Plot
Remember how, in the last story, Steve and Cara almost got married and Todd flipped out about how they were too young for commitment? He’s still flipping. He stands Liz and Enid up at lunch, but that’s okay because Enid really wanted to talk to Liz alone about how much she misses Hugh, her ex boyfriend. Liz is like, “Then call him and tell him so,” but Enid doesn’t want to get rejected. She’d rather just sit by the phone and cry. What a loser. She swears Liz to secrecy.
On the way home from school, Liz asks Jess for help on attracting a guy from another school. She pretends to be asking for an Oracle article, but really she wants some tips for Enid. Jess happily agrees to help.
That night, Todd and Liz study together at the library, but Todd is distant the whole time. On the way home, when Liz off-handedly says she’d missed him at lunch, he totally blows up at her all, “JUST BECAUSE WE’RE DATING DOESN’T MEAN YOU OWN ME!” She’s like, “I…know?” and he’s like, “YOU WANTED TO DATE THAT ABSURDLY HOT BOWLER!” and she’s like, “Not…really?” and he’s like, “WE NEED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE, BUT LET’S STAY FRIENDS!” Liz runs out of the car.
Jess gets home, sees immediately that Liz has been crying, and knows Todd did something dumb. Hee. Liz tells her they’re doing a trial separation and swears about fifteen times that that it’s completely mutual, so of course Jess doesn’t buy it for a moment and is like, “Is he seeing someone else?” Liz doesn’t think so: cheating’s usually her department, after all. Jess confidently swears that she’ll make sure Liz has so much fun in the next few weeks, she won’t even have time to miss stupid Todd before he comes to his senses. She’s a good sister in this book.
Liz decides to distract herself from her breakup by helping Enid get back together with Hugh. They make a plan to go to Big Mesa, since Jess’s first tip on snagging a boy from a different town is to make sure he remembers you’re alive.
The next day at school, Jess is quite proud of herself for not telling anyone about Todd’s and Liz’s breakup, so you can imagine how shocked she is when, at lunch, Caroline and Lila know all about it. In fact, they know even more than Jess herself: apparently Todd actually dumped Liz for a girl named Peggy Abbot. She’s had a crush on him forever, got him to give her some special tutoring in math - “She doesn’t need help with division,” Miss Lila snarks - and that was the ball game. Jess is appalled that Todd would have the nerve to dump Liz for another girl, and to help Liz save face she tells everyone that it actually happened the other way around: Liz got bored of Todd, so Peggy must be his rebound. Lila teases Jess for getting so defensive about boring Liz and her boring love life, but Jess doesn’t see the humor. She tells everyone, “If Liz wants a new boyfriend, all she’ll have to do is snap her fingers.”
That evening, Liz avoids Jess by burying herself in school and Oracle work. Jess tries to get her to go to the movies the next night with a group, but Liz turns her down. Jess knows exactly what Liz is doing, throwing herself into work to take her mind off the breakup, and vows to not let her get away with it. Also, she tells Liz about the Peggy rumors, because she wants Liz to find out from her, in private, instead of from some random person at school. Liz laughs them off, though, because she and Todd just broke up the day before! How could he already be seeing someone else? It’s impossible. Jess points out that it’s actually super-possible, but Liz won’t believe anything from Lila and Caroline, since they’re so gossipy.
Liz and Enid go to Big Mesa’s version of the Dairi Burger, run into Hugh, and have a soda with him. He and Enid get along wonderfully. Liz says the next step, per Jessica, is to think of a brilliant excuse to call him. They decide Enid should phone the next day and tell him she lost an earring at the restaurant, and would he ask about it next time he’s there? Enid’s feeling pretty good.
As Liz is driving Enid home, they spot Todd and Peggy in Todd’s car, laughing. Liz isn’t discounting Lila and Caroline so much anymore, and is pretty pissed. In fact, when she gets home and sees that Jess has already started making dinner, Liz yells at her instead of being grateful. Jess is like, “Okay, you need to chill. I’m not the one you’re mad at,” and Liz says she can go to the movies that night after all. Then she panics because she can’t find her journal. Jess is stupefied: “You carry your journal around with you in public? What if you lose your bag?” Liz remembers that she put the journal in her coat pocket, and Jess marvels at how stunningly dumb her sister can be sometimes.
Alice makes Jess tell her what the hell is going on with Liz and Todd.
Enid writes out a script for her phone call to Hugh, but throws it away because it’s not funny or exciting, the way Jessica would be in her situation. Well, at least she’s self-aware. She calls, and is relieved to get the answering machine. Then she leaves the longest, rambliest, dorkiest message you can imagine. It's like that part in Swingers where he calls the girl twenty times, except she only does it once. As soon as she hangs up, the phone rings. She answers, thinking it’s Liz, but it’s Hugh. Enid’s so surprised she drops half a bottle of salad dressing all over the floor. Oh. Slapstick. How amusing.
Jess drags Liz to the mall, and Jess confesses that she spilled to Alice. She apologizes profusely, but Liz doesn’t really mind. She knew their mom would find out eventually. Jess says, “That’s the nice thing about fathers. They give you money, and they compliment you when you look nice, but you’re usually through your crisis before they even notice you’re having one.” Um. That doesn’t describe my father at all, who has always been extremely supportive of me, and involved and interested in what’s going on in my life, but it does describe Neglectful Ned so good on the ghostwriter, I guess.
Liz enjoys herself the rest of the weekend. She has fun at the mall with Jess, and then Jess takes her to a barbeque and the beach, where they get tons of male attention. Liz isn’t interested in any of the boys, but feels validated that they all think she’s hot. That doesn’t seem very healthy to me. At school, she feels even better about herself when she sees how many boys are checking her out. One kid stares at her, and then smiles. She smiles back and then kicks herself for “encouraging strange boys.” Oh, lord.
Just then, Enid runs up all excited because Hugh found her earring. Except…she never actually lost an earring, right? I don’t get it. But she’s made plans to meet him at a park to get the phantom earring, and Liz says she can borrow the Fiat. Too bad for Enid the car breaks down two miles from the park, so she misses her date with Hugh. She cries.
Liz bumps into the staring kid and her stuff goes flying. As he helps her pick it up, she remembers his name is Kris Lynch, and he’s a senior and an artist whose work Olivia frequently praises. He asks her to a dance that weekend (of course there’s a dance!), and Liz thinks it’s kind of forward and weird to do that without any conversation first, or even introducing herself. Plus, she’s kind of hoping Todd will come to his senses and ask her himself, so she tells Kris she’s not sure what her plans are. He gives her his phone number and says she should call him when she finds out what she’s doing. Enid thinks Liz should go for it, since Kris is super hot with amazing eyes. Liz broods over what the good is of being a perfect size six with sun streaked blonde hair and eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean if the boy she loves doesn’t love her back. Hee.
Not ten minutes later, Todd catches Liz in the parking lot and wants to talk to her about the dance. Liz thinks he’s about to ask her and is relieved she hadn’t said yes to Kris, but crashes back to Earth when Todd says, “I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else. I’m going with Peggy Abbot.” Liz tells him fine, she’s going with a senior, and Todd doesn’t seem to like that at all. He doesn’t smile when he says, “See, isn’t this working out well!” and Liz is like, “We should’ve done it a long time ago,” and swans off. Ha. What a tool. He thought he could get some sophomore tail and then find Liz waiting right where he left her, and now he’s busted. That night, Liz calls Kris and says she’ll go with him, and then writes in her diary that he’s probably another jerk like Todd, but at least it’s only one date. Then she chastises herself for thinking badly of Kris without any proof.
Liz? You will soon find out that Kris is a little more than a jerk. He’s kind of a male Jessica, in her more sociopathic moments. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Enid points out that Liz has sort of painted herself into a corner at this point. She hates the separation, but Todd thinks she loves it, so even if he wanted to call it off, he can’t now. Liz points out that Todd loves being with Peggy, and Enid’s like, “You don’t know that for sure.” Liz tells Enid to stop taking Liz’s advice about her love life, then, if Liz is that messed up. Wow, touchy. Enid laughs at her and calls Hugh to explain about the breakdown. They make a new date to exchange the earring that they both know full well doesn’t really exist. This is getting absurd. This time, Enid waits and Hugh doesn’t show up. Enid thinks he’s done it on purpose to get revenge for her standing him up the other day. She cries.
Caroline and Lila hear the rumor that Kris and Liz are going to the dance together and think it’s hilarious, since Kris is arty and intense and moody, and Liz…isn’t any of those things. Lila says the only normal thing about Kris is that his dad belongs to the country club. He doesn’t even play any sports! Amy protests that Kris is super hot, and none of the girls disagree, but they all do think he’s not right for Liz. Even Jess thinks so, and gets kind of concerned when Caroline blithely says it’s common knowledge that Kris has been in love with Liz for ages, but never had the courage to say anything when Todd was around. He’s even written poems about her! Lila says, “They must be short poems.” HA! Jess worries that the last thing Liz needs is a boy who’s serious about her, but then sees Todd and Peggy schmooping on each other and decides not to warn Liz about Kris’s feelings until after the dance. After all, it’s just one date and she deserves a good time.
Dance time! Liz wants to back out, but Jess won’t let her. She says, “Have you heard Peggy laugh? She sounds like a donkey. You wouldn’t want her to laugh at you, and she won’t if you show up at the dance with a hot senior.” Liz does sort of like the idea of making Todd jealous, and she’s too proud to let him think she couldn’t get a date, so she resolves to go after all. Jess bounces off with Sam, and then. And then!
Kris pulls up in a chauffer-driven pink Cadillac. He must have really hustled on his Mary Kay Cosmetics commissions, you guys! Ned looks out the window and is like, “Wait! That’s not Todd! Where’s Todd!” What an idiot. But he thinks Kris looks like a movie star. Liz kind of agrees: she’s never seen him dressed up before, and he’s apparently stunning. Just like every other Sweet Valley resident, so I don’t know why they’re so shocked by it anymore. With a sinking feeling, Liz realizes that this isn’t just some date to him, it’s special. She feels like crap.
Kris confesses that he’s a little nervous: he’s never been to a dance before. And they didn’t run him out of town on a rail? How did that slip past the censors? As soon as they get to SVH they run into Todd and his chippie. Todd stares at Liz longingly, so Liz introduces Kris and, all aloof ice bitch-style, pretends to have no idea what Peggy’s name is. Hee. I have so fully done that. It’s one of the best snubs ever. Then Peggy makes it even better:
Peggy: [donkey laugh] I’ve heard so much about you. Of course, I see you around school a lot. You look just like your sister, don’t you?
Kris: [tries not to crack up]
Liz: We’re twins.
Peggy: [donkey laugh] I guessed you were. I mean, sometimes it’s hard to tell you apart, isn’t it?
Liz: Not really. I’m the older one.
Peggy: Isn’t that amazing? You really don’t look older, do you!
Todd: [Humiliated by how stupid Peggy is, drags her away.]
That was an awesome scene.
Liz has an awful time at the dance. Instead of paying attention to Kris, she spends the whole time staring at Todd and Peggy, who are having a great time. She feels so bad for neglecting Kris that she agrees to go to the movies with him. She feels like she owes him a second date after being such a downer on the first, even though he went through so much trouble.
Jess does not see it the same way, though. She’s like, “Well, anyway, you got to ride in an awesome pink Cadillac, and now you never have to see him again.” She’s not pleased at all when she hears Liz has agreed to go out with Kris again even though she doesn’t like him, and is like, “Did he put a gun to your head and force you to say yes?” Jess would know all about that. And, hey! That guy was named Chris too! (With a C, but still!) She lectures Liz about leading Kris on, and when Liz gets all het up about how Jess has no room to talk, Jess explains, “People expect me to lead them on. Not you. It’s like being lied to by George Washington.” She thinks Liz has to cancel the movie date: it’s unfair to Kris.
Liz finally agrees: she doesn’t want Kris to think she’s interested when really she’s just being polite. She decides to talk to him before school. Unfortunately, when she gets to SVH she sees Todd straight off. He looks kind of panicky and won’t make eye contact. Liz, trying to sound casual, asks him if he’s free for lunch that day, since they’re supposed to still be friends and all. Todd looks everywhere but at her and says he’s supposed to eat with Peggy and her friends, but maybe next week sometime? Liz is like, “Whatever,” sees Kris, and takes off after him. Todd watches her go. Needless to say, she does not wind up cancelling the date.
At the moment, I confess, I feel kind of bad for Kris.
Hugh calls a lot to apologize for standing Enid up, but Enid won’t talk to him. She eventually caves, though, and goes to the bike shop in Big Mesa where Hugh works. She walks in on him with his arms around a hot redhead, and when they pull away from each other Enid sees that the girl has Hugh’s class ring around her neck. Oh! I’d forgotten about that! I totally wore my boyfriend’s class ring too when we were in high school. Hee. Enid runs out, and Hugh chases after her but doesn’t catch her before she reaches her car and peels out. Enid cries and tells Liz she’s going to join a convent.
Jess begs Liz to take Kris on his own terms and not spend the whole night comparing him to Todd, but that doesn’t work too well. First off, he shows up in a black t-shirt, faded jeans, and a hoop earring:
Oh come on. Like you weren’t thinking it too.
Liz has a pretty good time on the date, actually. Kris is smart and interesting and funny. After the movie, they go to the Dairi Burger and her good mood is instantly crushed because Todd and Peggy are there, and all over each other. Liz and Kris sit in the back where Liz won’t have to look at the happy couple and, trying to keep the conversation going, Liz asks Kris what he likes to do. He says, “I paint, draw, and think about you.”
CREEPY.
Okay, I’m sorry, but that’s where my stranger danger would kick in. Either the guy is super corny, and why would I want to date a corny person, or he’s a creepy creepy creep, but either way, I swear to God, that sentence? On a second date? Automatic discard.
Not for Liz, though.
She goes straight upstairs when she gets home, saying she has a lot to write in her journal. Jess asks her parents what they think Liz writes: “Dear Diary, Today I went to school. I got another A. I wrote another article for The Oracle. I went home and did my homework.” Hee. If only she knew it’s more like, “Dear Diary, today I had another torrid secret affair with one of Jessica’s boyfriends.”
Lila tells Jess that Kris is saying to everyone that Liz is his girlfriend, and Jess is like, “Not so much, no.” Apparently Lila knows, practically down to the minute, all of the time Liz and Kris have spent together in the last week. Jess observes that it’s too bad Lila more interested in shopping than international politics, because she’d make a great spy.
I would pay actual money to read that spinoff series. Please make Lila a spy in Sweet Valley Confidential, Francine! Please!
Jess is like, “MYOB about Liz, Lila.” Lila’s like, “Okay, I’ll give you that it’s none of my business, but it’s definitely Kris’s business, and if they’re not a couple then it’s kind of shitty for Liz to let him think they are.” Point to Lila. Even Jess knows Liz is just doing this because she’s still upset about Todd. And, okay, believe it or not, I do understand. It’s not like I’ve never led one boy on because I was pissed off with another one: this is actually just the kind of immature relationship crap high school girls do (Or college girls. Or…er…grad school girls), so I’m kind of impressed at the realistic storyline so far. Pink Cadillac notwithstanding, obviously.
Jess tries to talk to Liz about correcting Kris’s mistaken impression of their relationship, and Liz, unconcerned, says, “We’ve never even kissed. I’m sure he knows there’s no chemistry between us.” Jess isn’t so sure, and starts to worry.
Enid agrees with Jess and Lila, but Liz blows her off too. Also, Enid hasn’t spoken to Hugh since walking in on him with the redhead, but suddenly she’s seeing him everywhere around town. Maria Santelli’s having a party, and stops by their table to make sure Enid’s coming. When Liz is like, “Don’t you want to know if I’m coming?” Maria’s like, “Your boyfriend already said you guys would be there!” Liz knows she has to talk to Kris, and decides to do it at Maria’s, so she’ll have a day or so to work out what to say.
Oh, sure. Dump the shy, intense, sensitive guy who’s never had a girlfriend before at a party where the whole school is there instead of doing it in private, insensitive wench.
Liz clues in pretty fast that her plan was stupid: the party is way too loud and crowded to have a conversation. And then, unfortunately, when she tells Kris she wants to be alone with him he takes it completely the wrong way. Can she blame him? Liz drags him off to Mr. Santelli’s study, but who do you think is already in there? Todd and Peggy, natch: they’re on the couch and his arms are around her. Liz backs out quickly and Kris is like, “Don’t be upset!” and starts making out with her while she tries not to cry. How stunningly romantic. Liz kisses him back, because it’s validation that, even though Todd doesn’t love her anymore, that doesn’t mean nobody finds her attractive. No, Liz! Situations like this never end well! And it’s not like she’s doing this on purpose to hurt Kris, but that’s what’s going to happen.
Still kissing her, Kris starts to pull her down the stairs. (He wants to make out with her in the basement? Say what?) Liz remembers everything Enid and Jess have been saying, and realizes that it’s really horrible of her to use Kris to get back at Todd. She does not handle it in the best way, though: she shoves him and yells, “Stop it! I want to get out of here!” They get in his car. Kris thinks Liz wants to go to Miller’s Point, but she tells him to take her home. Then he thinks she means her parents are out and they can have the house to themselves (wow, this guy moves fast) and Liz is like, “How can you not understand why I’m so upset!” Because you haven’t told him, freakshow, that’s why. You’ve gone out with him three times now and had your tongue in his mouth for the last half hour; is it so bizarre that he thinks you’re into him?
Liz coldly tells him she wants to go home and not go out with him anymore. He’s kind of blindsided, and is like, “But you asked me to a party and made out with me!” Liz is like, “I didn’t want to make out with you, I wanted to dump you!” Kris, understandably pissed, starts to yell at her for leading him on and making him look stupid in front of the whole school. Liz is astonished that someone she knew full well cared about her, whom she used and treated poorly, might actually be angry at her for it, and the ghostwriter gives us this gem: “Elizabeth was used to Todd’s even temper and reasonableness.”
HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Todd! Reasonable! Even tempered! I have tears in my eyes from the laughter. Oh, ghostwriter, you so crazy.
Liz shrieks at Kris to pull the car over, which he does. She goes to get out of the car, and this is where Kris krosses the line from kontemptuous to just plain krazy. Kris grabs Liz by the arm and is like, “You’re just teasing me, right? This is for real! You can’t have kissed me like that if you didn’t mean it! You want to go out with me, I know you do!” and tries to kiss her again. Liz screams and, in the struggle, her purse spills everywhere in his car. This brings Kris up short, and he realizes how he just acted. He apologizes profusely, but Liz yells at him, gathers up her stuff, and runs away. He speeds off before she’s even all the way out the door.
Wow.
Jess gets worried when she sees Liz bolt from the party, so she makes Sam take her home. She finds Liz sobbing in her room, and Liz tells her everything. Jess holds Liz and lets her cry, and is like, “Well, at least it’s over now.” Liz cries even harder: everything is over, Todd and Kris. Also, she can’t find her journal again. Jess says she probably left it in the Oracle office.
Hands up if you see where this is going. We’re finally getting to The Stolen Diary portion of The Stolen Diary, and with only three chapters to go, it’s not a moment too soon. They should’ve called this book Elizabeth and Todd Break Up Again.
At school, Liz opens her locker and Kris sidles up between her and it. He gives her a flower and apologizes some more for losing it over the weekend. He tells her he knew she’d just broken up with Todd, he pushed her too fast, and there’s no excuse for how he acted in the car. Liz apologizes for using him, and they part on okay terms. Liz actually feels pretty friendly towards him, and is also relieved when she finds her journal in her locker.
At lunch, Todd asks Liz if they can talk after school. He still won’t make eye contact. She’s about to snot at him, but instead says yes.
Caroline and Lila each separately tell Jess that it’s all over school that Liz and Kris left the party so fast because Liz was dragging him to Miller’s Point, where they had a “wild time” (Caroline) and a “night of passion” (Miss Lila). Jess is enraged, and makes them both promise to set straight anyone they catch saying so. She’s going to kill whoever’s spreading this rumor.
I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side, y’all.
After school, Todd tells Liz that what she’d actually walked in on at the Santellis' was him dumping Peggy. He realized that it was a huge mistake to break up with Liz, and he wants to get back together. He says, “As soon as we started going out I knew we weren’t right for each other, but Peggy really seemed to like me, and I guess I just found myself going along with it.” What a winner. I’d have let him twist a little, but Liz takes him back immediately. There’s much hugging and crying.
Jess tells Liz about the rumors, and Liz thinks they’re ridiculous. She’s like, “Anyone who knows me will know it’s not true. Caroline and Lila are just stirring things up.” Jess protests that this could turn into a serious situation: C&L are gossips but not malicious. When Liz laughs, Jess allows that, okay, they’re not too malicious. Hee. Liz doesn’t care, she’s just thrilled to be back with Todd.
Jean West asks Enid about the rumors of Liz screwing Kris’s brains out at Miller’s Point, and Enid’s like, “No, they broke up.” Jean tells her, “That’s not what he says,” and Enid snaps, “Well, it’s what I say, and I’m her best friend, so I think I would know.”
Peggy tells Todd about the rumors, and Todd laughs at her. He’s like, “I know you’re pissed that I dumped you, but seriously. This is pretty amateur.” Peggy says Kris himself told her he had to fight Liz off, and that’s exactly where I would call bullshit. What seventeen year old boy would fight off the hot blonde he’s worshiped for ages? People at this school are so stupid. Actually, Todd comes to the same conclusion, because he’s like, “Kris is saying this? Gotta go, Peggy. It’s punching time.” He and his reasonableness and even temper storm off to kick Kris's ass.
Todd marches up to Kris, and Kris is like, “Whatever. You don’t know the real her. I know things about you that you think nobody knows,” and tells Todd a bunch of stuff about his relationship with Liz: their arguments, romantic times, saving the whales, punching.... Todd’s world crashes down. How could Elizabeth have betrayed him like this? Kris cracks up and tells Todd that Liz is only pretending to get back together with him as revenge for running around on her with Peggy. Kris is the one she really loves! Todd runs away, leaving Kris’s nose intact.
Enid tells Kris off for spreading rumors about Liz, and Kris’s smile doesn’t even waver. He has no idea what she’s talking about! He’s only told the truth about Liz! Enid starts to yell, and Kris, calm as ever, is like, “I’m surprised Liz hasn’t told you about our relationship! She’s told me all about you!” He recites a list: wanting to get back with Hugh, the lost earring, the redhead in the bike shop (Kris thinks she should’ve let Hugh explain - HEE!) the meth-taking past.... Enid is devastated and runs away.
Todd’s supposed to pick Liz up for a date, but after she waits fifty minutes, she calls to see where he is. He yells at her that she should just date KRIS since she LOVES him so much, and hangs up on her. Liz cries: how could Todd believe those rumors? She calls Enid, who also yells and hangs up on her.
Jess comes home from her date with Sam and goes to Liz’s room to find out how dinner with Todd went. She finds Liz out cold, having very obviously cried herself to sleep. Liz’s diary is open on the bed next to her. Jess reads the last line, something about Todd and Enid believing the rumors, and is indignant. She puts the diary away and goes to her room to think: Todd and Enid both know Liz too well to believe a stupid sex rumor, so there must be something more to it. And that means there’s only one thing for Jess to do: find out what that something is.
I really like Jess when she gets all protective like this.
At school the next day, Todd runs away when he sees Liz and Enid shrieks at her in the middle of the hallway. Jess is only person who treats her normally: she walks Liz to every class with their arms linked, chattering away. Aw! Kris grins and winks every time he sees her, which is freaky. Jess knows Liz feels powerless to stop whatever is happening to her, and is like, “Thank God I’m not powerless, just enraged.” She walks right up to Enid and demands to know what the hell her problem is. Enid yells about how Liz knows exactly what she did! She blabbed all of Enid’s secrets to Kris! Jess is like, “That’s impossible. She won’t even tell your secrets to me.” Hee. Enid cries that she knows Liz is trustworthy, but the only way Kris could’ve known all that stuff is from Liz.
Jess accosts Todd next and asks straight out if Liz told Kris private things about Todd. Todd’s like, “She told you about it?” and Jess is all, “No, she has no idea. I just guessed.” After she explains, Todd says the same thing Enid did: it’s so hard to believe Liz would betray them, but what else can he think? Jess is like, “That’s why Kris is my next stop.” The claws come out.
Jess charges right up to Kris and knows just by looking at him that he’s a schemer, just like she is. She sweetly tells him that, if he doesn’t stop spreading rumors about Liz, she’ll have no choice but to force him. Kris is like, “I can’t believe you don’t know how close Liz and I are. I mean, she told me all about you,” and then he recites the trouble she got into with the teen party line, the time she tried to turn all the cheerleaders against Claire Middleton, and other random intimate details of her life. Funnily enough, he does not mention Liz’s secret affair with Sam, which would’ve been the biggest, most amazing checkmate of all time.
He finishes his recitation and expects her to be devastated, like Todd and Enid were. He’s a little taken aback when Jess gets up in his face instead and, somehow both calm and enraged, tells him that she doesn’t know how he knows those things, but Liz never told him, and she’s going to get to the bottom of things.
Jess tells her dad she has a mystery to solve, and Ned quotes Sherlock Holmes: “Once you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever’s left, no matter how improbable, must be the solution.” Jess mulls that over for a few hours, and then something clicks in her head. Kris must have read Liz’s diary. It was missing after the party, after all, and didn’t turn up again until after he’d visited her at her open locker.
Jess fills Lila in, and Lila is appalled that anyone would treat Liz that way. She immediately offers to spread some horrible nasty rumors about Kris, and Jess happily thinks that this is exactly why Lila’s her best friend. Hee. Jess doesn’t want to go there yet, but she wants to convince him that that’s what she and Lila will do if he doesn’t publically apologize to Liz and admit he’s been lying. Lila laughs happily at the thought of revenge and drives Jess to Kris’s so she can be in on it too.
Miss Lila Fowler, ladies and gentlemen.
They barge right into Kris’s house and Jess informs him that she knows he stole Liz’s diary and read it, so if he doesn’t apologize like now, she’s going to tell everyone she knows, everyone Lila knows, and everyone Sam knows that Kris is a thief and a liar. Best part? It’ll be true! She won’t even have to make things up, the way he did with Liz! He’ll have no friends! Woo!
Kris is defeated. Miserably, he tells Jess it didn’t happen the way she thinks: he didn’t steal the diary so much as he read it after Liz dropped it in his car. He was going to return it the next day, but he was so upset and had been crazy about her for so long, he read the diary thinking he’d feel better about being dumped if she’d written at least one nice thing about him. Problem was, she hadn’t. She’d only been using him, and he was so hurt. Jess tells him it’s no excuse, and he knows that. Jess feels sorry for him, though. She tells him she doesn’t know what Liz wrote in her diary, but she does know Liz liked Kris quite well as a friend, and that’s why she decided to stop seeing him: it was unfair.
Kris miserably tells Jess that all he knows is he loved Liz so much, and the whole time she was leading him on. He never intended to turn everyone against her, it just snowballed. Jess sympathizes. Lord knows she’s hatched enough psychotic plots that wound up ruining Liz’s reputation; Jess can see how easily one could find oneself in that predicament. HEE! I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING, THAT’S WHAT SHE THINKS. I want to send this ghostwriter a fan letter. Jess puts her hand on Kris’s shoulder and offers to help him out.
This book is crazytown.
Jess asks Todd and Enid to meet her at the Dairi Burger, and she and Kris head over. Kris still can’t believe what he did. He’s having the same remorse Jess always feels after she gets caught turning the school against Liz for no reason. He concludes it must have been temporary insanity. Jess decides that she actually really likes Kris. After all, they’re so much alike! HA! This is awesome!
Kris confesses to Todd and Enid, and they both feel like absolute crap. Todd can’t believe he treated Liz so horribly. Enid sobs and sobs: after all Liz has done for her, Enid turned on her the first time someone put a doubt in her mind! She cries, “If I were Elizabeth, I’d never forgive me!” Jess nonchalantly sips her milkshake and says, “It’s probably pretty lucky for you that you’re not Elizabeth.” Snap!
Jess doesn’t tell Liz everything has been straightened out, because she doesn’t want to spoil the surprise Todd, Enid, and Kris have for her. So she lets Liz go on being miserable for one more night? That’s the Jess we know and love. Liz tells Jess how grateful she is to have her for a twin, and Jess is like, “Cool! Can I borrow your shirt, then?”
Jess drags Liz to the Oracle office the next day, and Todd, Enid, and Kris are there waiting for her. Kris apologizes for spreading the rumor and lying, and Todd and Enid apologize for believing said lies. Enid sobs some more about what a shitty friend she is. Kris has written up a full confession and apology and wants her to put it on the front page of the paper. Seriously? Liz, Enid, and Todd have a group hug. Enid’s still crying when the scene ends.
Enid and Hugh get back together. It turns out the redhead was just a friend who was crying because she’d just broken up with her boyfriend. Everyone is happy. They agree the earring ruse was pretty stupid.
B Plot
The Fiat breaks down all the time. Jess badgers her parents about getting a Jeep. That’s really all there is to it. It’s really just a lead-in anyway for the next book, when Jess’s favorite soap opera is having auditions.
The End!