Sweet Valley High #54: Two-Boy Weekend
Sweet Valley High #54: Two-Boy Weekend
While this title could probably apply to either twin on any given weekend, it’s Jessica who cheats on her boyfriend this time. Also, this book is about stalking. A very serious issue, to be sure. Shall we see how Sweet Valley High butchers it? Let’s read.
Liz is dating Jeffrey. Jess is dating AJ Morgan, the redhead from Atlanta. Remember him? They got together over the Slam Books, because AJ thought Jess was the quiet, bookish twin and he likes girls who know their place. Not that he actually said that out loud, but it was heavily implied.
So, the Sweet Valley Samaritans Club, an organization we have never heard of before and will never hear of again, is sponsoring an essay contest for SVH students. The winner will be king or queen of their Citizens Day Ball at the Country Club. Another freaking ball! If I ever moved to Sweet Valley, I’d open a tuxedo rental store and make millions. We’re informed that Saint Elizabeth didn’t enter because she’s so busy with a Big Sisters program she just started with Enid, but the ghost writer wants to make sure we know that if she had entered, she would totally win and be queen of that ball. As it is, AJ wrote an essay and Jess is desperate for him to win because if he’s king, that’ll make her queen.
AJ meets Jess at her locker and tells her that his grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary is that weekend, so he and his family are leaving Wednesday night for Texas and spending a long weekend with their relatives. Jess is enraged. Haven’t those selfish old people thought about how this will affect her? How dare they have an anniversary that will take her boyfriend away for four whole days? What’s she supposed to do the whole time AJ is gone? AJ suggests she do whatever she’d been planning anyway, but she snaps that she was going to Ken’s party but now she won’t because it wouldn’t look right for her to show up alone. I don’t know why not, unless this is part of the weird antediluvian role she’s playing for AJ. He begs her forgiveness, and she grudgingly gives it. Then he tells her he won the essay contest: they’re king and queen of the ball! Yay! Jess thinks about how long it’s been since she was the center of attention, and how much she deserves something like this.
Jess? You deserve jack. You were not the one who wrote the prize-winning essay on Sweet Valley in the Year 2000. (No, really, that’s the topic. Answer? Exactly like now, but with text messaging and flat-screen TVs. And flying cars. This is the future we’re talking about, after all. Oh, 1989, you were so cute.)
Jess asks Liz if she ever gets bored doing the same old thing with Jeffrey all the time, and Liz says no. Probably because, unlike her punchy ex, Jeffrey’s actually interesting to talk to. Anyway, Jess is bored with AJ because they spend every minute together, so what do they have to talk about? They already know everything about each other’s day. Liz says Jess needs some time to herself, then, and maybe AJ’s trip to Texas will be good for them. Then she threatens to tickle Jess if Jess doesn’t get out of her room. Weird!
Jess feels sorry for herself and wants her friends to lavish her with sympathy. Lila isn’t the sycophantic type: she calls Jess pathetic and reminisces about the good old days, when Jess would’ve been out snagging a hot guy instead of pouting in the cafeteria. Hee. Lila, Amy, and Cara invite Jess to the beach, but she makes them beg before she’ll say yes. At the beach, the girls paint their nails and read magazines while Jess becomes increasingly furious that they’re not fawning all over her. She goes swimming and thinks about how it would serve them right if she drowned - Then they’d be sorry! - and when she gets out of the water the girls tell her they’re going to the Dairi Burger. Jess says she doesn’t want to, and then waits for them to beg her. They don’t, and she’s enraged. How dare they! They don’t even care about her! She plops down on the sand and figures she’ll just sit there all night long - Then they’d be sorry! - and sulks while she watches a guy who’s out surfing. Eventually the surfer comes back to the beach: he’s hot, his name is Christopher, and he noticed Jess watching him, so will she have dinner with him? She comments on how he moves pretty fast and he’s like, “I knew ten minutes ago I wanted to ask you out. Why waste time?” She likes that, and says she’ll meet him in an hour.
Jess runs home to shower and change. She tries to avoid Liz because, after all, there’s nothing wrong with having dinner with a new friend but she just knows Liz will bring up annoying things like ethics and honesty. Jess doesn’t have much luck, though, because Liz catches her putting on makeup. Jess tells her she met a new friend named Chris at the beach, and then inwardly rolls her eyes when Liz assumes Chris is a girl. Jess thinks briefly about AJ and decides not to tell him about Chris: after all, he’s so sensitive, and he’s bound to misconstrue the situation. Imagine that.
Jess meets Chris at a restaurant outside of Sweet Valley. He tells her, “I’m getting hungry,” and Jess thinks that everything he says sounds “seductive and thrilling.” That makes me think Chris sounds like Joey Tribbiani, with his weird talent of making anything sound lewd. Jess likes the idea that he doesn’t know she’s a twin, so she just tells him she has a sister. Whenever she tries to get him to talk about himself, he changes the subject back to her. She doesn’t even know his last name or where he lives, but all his compliments and attention are going right to her head. They go for a walk on the beach after and make out. He’s like, “I have to see you again. You know that, don’t you? Can I see you tomorrow?” They make plans to meet in some café outside of town. Jess thinks of AJ, but doesn’t feel bad. She doesn’t care that it’s wrong to cheat; it’s what she wants to do.
No, seriously, that’s exactly what she thinks to herself.
They meet at a town north of Sweet Valley. Chris is waiting with a rose for Jess: he bought it from a lady selling them on the corner. When she says she loves it and that it was a romantic thing to do, he runs off and buys all the flowers the woman has. Oh, I see. So he’s manic. Is that where we’re going with this? Anyway, they have a great day walking around and going to the planetarium, something I can’t imagine Jess enjoying, but okay. Chris tells her that, if she were with anyone else, he would die of jealousy. Instead of finding that creepy, silly little Jess thinks it’s romantic. She still doesn’t know his last name, but that doesn’t raise any warning flags either.
He asks to see her again the next day, but that’s the day AJ’s coming home. She tells Chris she can hang out with him until noon. The next morning, she meets him at the beach and tells him she has a boyfriend. He’s like, “Figures. Don’t worry about it, I understand.” Jess thinks that she’s like the heroine of a tragic love story. AJ comes by the Wakefield house and, of course, doesn’t suspect a thing. Jess figures that, as long as she stays quiet, she’s gotten away with it. After all, nobody knows about Chris. Jess doesn’t even know about Chris: she doesn’t know a thing about him besides that he’s crazy about her. So…yay?
The next day, after Jess and Liz get home from school, the phone rings and Jess answers. Liz is quite confused by her half of the conversation: it’s all, “I told you no,” and, “I can’t,” and “You shouldn’t have.” When Jess hangs up, she tells Liz it was a magazine salesman. Hee!
Later that evening, AJ comes over to do homework. Jess tells him what a big deal the ball is: it’s on TV and the king and queen get their pictures in the newspaper. Are we surprised that it’s a major motivating factor in why Jess is desperate for AJ to not find out about her cheating ways? She can’t risk losing her chance to be the star of the ball. Er, I mean, she can’t risk losing AJ. Obviously that’s more important. Oh, and AJ’s putting a For Sale sign on his car.
Chris calls again. Jess is like, “Oh, hi, Lila.” He begs her to talk to him as a friend, even though she doesn’t want to date him anymore. She’s like, “No way,” and he goes, “Don’t do this to me, please? We had something really special. Why just throw it all away? I know you have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t matter.” Creepy! Jess tells him, “It matters to me, and nothing you say will change my mind.” AJ’s like, “You really laid into Lila,” so Jess has to construct an elaborate fiction about how Lila wants Jess to go shopping in LA the weekend of the ball. AJ’s like, “You can go if you want; I don’t care. I think the ball is pretty dumb.” Then why’d you enter the contest, huh? Jess insists to him she’ll be the queen no matter what. It’s the most prestigious dance of the year, and nothing will stop her from being center stage.
At school the next day, Mr. Collins gives Jess a note to stop by the office after class. When she goes, she finds that Chris has sent her a huge bunch of roses. Jess freaks out: she has to get rid of them before AJ sees. Unfortunately, he runs into her almost immediately and she has to think fast: she’s like, “Oh, these aren’t mine, Steve sent them to Cara.” Cara gives Jess a weird look, but covers all, “Oh, yeah, Steve is really romantic like that. You should send Jess flowers sometime, AJ.” AJ’s like, “She should send me flowers sometime.” I think that’s what passes for repartee in AJ’s mind. Even Todd could do better than that.
At the Dairi Burger after school, Jess looks out the window and sees Christopher in the parking lot, looking at the For Sale sign on AJ’s car. He looks pissed off. Jess is so startled she spills her drink, but then covers. AJ notices she’s jumpy, but she tells him she’s nervous about a French test and he believes her.
Chris calls again and is all, “I love you! You must know your boyfriend can’t love you like I do!” Jess tells him that she’s not breaking up with AJ and she’s never cheating on him again. She’s seriously regretful now: how should she have been so stupid? AJ’s the nicest boy she’s ever dated! She’s only sorry because she might get caught and not be queen of the ball. If Chris had disappeared from her life forever, she wouldn’t feel a bit guilty.
Chris calls again and is like, “But if you told your boyfriend about us, how could you two still want to be together?” He’s really slow, isn’t he? When he realizes she hasn’t told AJ, he laughs all scarily and hangs up. AJ calls and invites Jess over because a guy is interested in buying his car. Desperate to get away from her phone for a little while, Jess jumps at the chance.
I have to break in here for a public service announcement:
If you ever find yourself in a situation like this, do not do what Jess is doing, talking to him when he phones her. It’s extremely unsafe. Screen your calls. If the stalker calls you, make a log of the date and time and do not answer it. Any attention is good attention to people like that, and as long as they’re getting a reaction from you, they think it means that they have a place in your life and they will keep on calling. Never answer their calls. Save any voicemails. Block their email addresses and instant message IDs. Never go anyplace where you might run into the person, and if you do, leave immediately. It’ll cramp your style, but that’s better than risking your safety. Keep a log of any interactions that happen after you told the person to never contact you again, in case you need the records for a restraining order. And, for God’s sake, if you’re under 18 you need to tell your parents. Or, if you’re an adult yourself and don’t want to involve your family, tell a trusted friend. Someone else needs to know this is happening to you. You can’t handle it without backup.
This book is kind of freaking me out, I have to say. It is not sending girls a good message about how to deal with crazy people. But, then, when was that ever a strong point in the Sweet Valley series? Though, to be fair, it’s a lot more likely that preteen girls will one day be stalked by an ex than that they’ll be confronted with a murderously insane doppelganger. All I’m saying is that a little good advice here wouldn’t have hurt.
Sadly, Jess decides to keep her situation a secret. She almost tells Liz what’s happening: she figures that, even though this is a situation Liz would never be in, she’d know how to get out of it. Do you think that’s because Jess thinks Liz would never cheat on her boyfriend, or because Liz would never cheat with a crazy kid? At the last second, though, Jess changes her mind. She got herself into this situation, and it’s her job to get herself out. I’m more appalled than usual by the message Sweet Valley High is sending to its impressionable readers.
Jess goes to AJ’s, and that guy who was interested in buying his car? Is Christopher. Are we surprised? He wants to take a test drive, but just then AJ’s mom comes out and says there’s someone else on the phone about the car. AJ has to take the call, so he suggests Chris test drive with Jess. Jess is terrified: what if Christopher kidnaps her or something? But she can’t refuse without giving the whole thing away. So, scared for her life, she stupidly gets in the car.
Chris does, like, 75 all the way around Sweet Valley’s residential streets, switching lanes for no reason and just generally driving like a maniac and terrifying Jess. He finally screeches into a parking lot and asks Jess all conversationally, “So, have you told your boyfriend about us? No of course not. And you’re not going to, either, so you’ll have to go out with me again.” She refuses, and he’s like, “Great! I’ll pick you up on Saturday!” That’s the day of the ball, and she tells him there’s no way. She tries to get out of the car, but Chris lunges over her and locks her in, saying, “Don’t do that. You could get hurt.” He starts the car back up and starts speeding toward a brick wall, showing no sign of turning. Finally Jess screams, “Fine! I’ll do it!” Chris slams on the brakes and drives back to AJ’s, cheerfully chattering about what a great time they’re going to have and all the fun things they’ll do that weekend.
Cray-zee.
Jess has no intention of actually keeping the date, of course. She would’ve said anything she could to stop him from crashing the car into that wall. AJ can tell Jess is freaked out, but she doesn’t tell him why. He figures Chris just drove a little too fast for her and lets it drop.
Remember the Big Sister program Liz and Enid started at the beginning of the recap? The point of which was to “be a friend to a lonely motherless child?” (Is there an epidemic of motherlessness in Sweet Valley or something? How many kids could there really be?) Liz takes her little sister, Kim, to the mall. Chris happens to be in the parking lot: “The attractive, dark-haired boy looked at her intently, almost as though he expected her to say something or wave to him. But Elizabeth ignored him. Flirtatious boys exasperated her.” HA!
Kim’s never been to the mall or to a bookstore, and Liz condescendingly thinks that, “Things she and Jess took for granted were magical experiences for this little girl.” Gross. Liz recommends that Kim read Johnny Tremain. Thrilling stuff, to be sure. Liz rounds a corner and Chris is there. He demands, “Why are you avoiding me?” Liz is like, “Leave me alone,” because, of course, she has no idea who he is. And Chris doesn’t know Jess has a twin: Jess just said she had a sister. So he thinks Liz is Jess and Kim is the sister. Liz buys Kim a book and they sneak out through a different mall entrance so Chris can’t follow them. Kim doesn’t notice anything is weird, though, which is probably a good thing.
That night, Chris calls again. Jess is so upset that she sobbingly confesses everything to Elizabeth, admitting, “I’m such a total jerk! I’m the stupidest fool in the universe. I can’t believe I did something so mean and-and sneaky!” Liz wants to lecture but doesn’t: Jess doesn’t need a speech about honesty right now; it sounds like she’s being punished all out of proportion to what she actually did which, really, is true. Liz tells Jess what to do: the only way to remove Chris’s power over her is to confess to AJ herself. If AJ knows, Chris won’t be able to force Jess to go out with him. After all, when will he stop? Liz tells Jess that confessing would be the right thing to do even if she weren’t being blackmailed, but I disagree. If it was a one-time mistake and she’s desperately sorry and will never do it again, it’s selfish to hurt AJ by confessing just to make herself feel better. That might be an unpopular opinion, though.
Of course, sociopaths are never sorry for hurting people. They’re only sorry to be caught. So I guess my rules on cheating confession don’t really apply to Jess. Much like all other rules ever.
Jess protests that, if she tells AJ, he’ll break up with her and she won’t get to be queen of the ball. Liz says, “Oh, Jess.” Jess knows she sucks for it, but she just can’t confess before Saturday. Liz points out, “So, breaking up with AJ doesn’t matter as much as being queen?” Jess is like, “That’s not what I meant,” but it is. She promises she’ll tell AJ after Saturday, and Liz is like, “Then I guess you’ll be stalked for a few more days.” Liz knows this is a very bad situation, but doesn’t tell their parents.
The next day, the twins are making dinner when Christopher calls. Jess is like, “I changed my mind about you and I’m really looking forward to our date!” When she notices Liz is about to explode, she explains that she has to keep him happy until Saturday. Liz points out that AJ will be even more hurt when he learns Jess waited two weeks to tell him and Jess knows Liz is right, that what she’s doing to AJ is wrong and unfair. But she keeps thinking of herself as the queen of the ball, and there’s no way she’s going to jeopardize her chance to be the center of attention. She also tells herself that AJ worked hard on his essay and she doesn’t want to ruin his celebration, but that’s just an excuse.
When Chris calls on Saturday, Jess pretends to have strep throat and is thrilled when he buys it. However! That night at the ball, guess who shows up? Liz is dancing with Jeffrey when Chris cuts in. Jeffrey is kind of annoyed, but wanders away. Chris thinks Liz is Jess, of course, and is like, “I knew you’d be here.” Liz thinks fast: the king and queen are crowned at eight, so she only has to distract Chris for a few minutes so Jess can have her moment. She pouts, “I didn’t want to miss the party, but I’m glad you’re here!” Jeffrey starts moving like he’s going to cut back in, but backs off when Liz shakes her head at him. She thanks her lucky stars Jeffrey trusts her, and she has a point: if it were Todd, the punching would’ve already started.
Chris asks who Jeffrey is, and Liz says he’s her best friend’s boyfriend. Chris is like, “Good, because you know how jealous I can be.” This boy needs medication. Where are his parents? Chris says, “Let’s take a walk. There are too many people around, if you know what I mean.” Liz agrees, but thinks that her twin loyalty does not extend to making out with a crazy stranger, so she hopes Chris doesn’t try to kiss her. Jeffrey starts following them, but when Liz mouths, “It’s okay,” he shrugs and goes back inside. I can’t imagine Todd reacting the same way.
AJ has to read his essay in front of the crowd, and he’s nervous. The President of the Samaritans Club gets up and starts a long, boring speech. Jeffrey asks Jess if she’s seen Liz: she wandered off with a guy with dark, curly hair whom she seemed to know, and he’s looked all over the grounds but can’t find her.
Jess is torn: she realizes right away that Liz is with Chris, pretending to be Jess so Jess can be crowned queen. And now Liz is somewhere outside in the dark with an obsessed, dangerous, crazy person. But if she leaves to help Jeffrey look for Liz now, she’ll miss being crowned queen! And if she tells AJ why she’s going, he’ll find out about Chris right before having to get up and read his essay in front of a huge crowd! She can’t do that to him; it would be cruel! She tells herself that Liz will be okay, and promises Jeffrey that she’ll help him look in a few minutes. What a terrible sister.
Meanwhile, Chris has Liz’s arm in a tight grip and is dragging her across the Country Club grounds. Liz says, “Let’s go back and dance on the terrace. That was fun.” When he says no, she tries, “Oh, look! A bench! Let’s sit on it!” He agrees, and Chris tells her he’s been thinking, and knows a way they can be together all the time. They never have to go back. Liz points out that her parents are there, and wondering where she is and he’s all, “No they’re not.” Freaky.
She lies that she told AJ and he’ll start looking for her. Chris freaks out, screaming, “No, he won’t! He WON’T!” He drags her up, and Liz tries to tell him she’s not who he thinks, but he’s all, “You’re exactly who I think,” and pulls out a knife. She starts to cry, and he sighs and reasonably says, “If you would only like me as much as I like you, I wouldn’t have to do this, you know.” Liz is amazed at how sane he sounds. I swear to God, that’s what she thinks.
Liz cries even harder, wondering why she always winds up getting kidnapped by unbalanced, obsessed men. Well, moron, it’s no wonder, if you think the crazy shit they say sounds perfectly sane. Chris drags her to the parking lot and opens his trunk. She’s like, “Oh, no way.” He’s like, “Jessica, you’re making this harder than it should be. Relax! Just do what I say and everything will be okay.” He grabs her wrists and ties them up while she struggles, and then forces her into the trunk.
Hey, that’s something AJ could’ve talked about in his essay! In the year 2000, there will be trunk releases inside the trunk as well as outside, like so. The thing that cracks me up most about these pull tabs is that, in the glow-in-the-dark instructional illustration, the little stick man is running away. Just in case you weren’t sure, and decided to hang around so the person who’d stuffed you in his trunk could catch you and put you back in, you know. The car manufacturers want you to be very clear that, should you ever be in a situation where you have to use the interior trunk release, the next step is to get the fuck out of there.
Just as AJ gets up to read his speech, Jess’s psychic twin connection goes crazy. She feels dark and suffocated, and turns and runs out. She pauses outside, and then just knows she should run for the parking lot. Chris is just pulling out, and Jess throws himself in front of her car. He gets out and starts screaming, all, “I don’t know how you got out of the trunk, but you’re getting back in!” She kicks him in the shin - I guess they can’t say balls in a SVH book, but surely groin wouldn’t be too off color? - and then Jeffrey jumps on top of Chris and they fight. Jess pulls the keys out of the ignition and lets Liz out of the trunk. Jess is like, “I can’t believe I found you! We’re so lucky!” Liz is all, “Yeah, I feel super lucky right now.”
When they turn around, Jeffrey’s lip is bleeding pretty badly, but he’s subdued Chris. I like that he actually had to fight him. Todd would’ve thrown one punch and that would’ve been the end of it. Chris looks at both twins and moans, “Jessica!” in despair. Jeffrey is all, “Who is this guy I just assaulted and why did he have you in his trunk?” Jess cries that this was all her fault, and Liz says, “No it wasn’t. You didn’t know he’d do this.” Liz asks if the coronation is over, and when Jess says it’s too late, Liz makes her run back to be crowned. Jess doesn’t want to go, but Liz insists: “I only went with him so you could get what you wanted, Jess.”
In other words, “I knowingly risked my life so you could wear a crown at a ball.” These two girls have a seriously fucked up relationship.
Jess lets some security guards know they should go to the parking lot, and then runs back inside just in time to hear the end of AJ’s essay, which is a bunch of stupid stuff about how scientific advancements are unnecessary because our world is awesome as it is. And that won the prize? Good lord, he’s as dumb as Todd.
The Head Samaritan takes the microphone to make a few more remarks, and AJ pulls Jess aside to ask where she was and why she’s crying. Jess thinks that she never would’ve gone out with Chris if her relationship with AJ had been strong, and so she breaks up with him: “I can’t handle a relationship with just one boy! I just can’t! I’m not ready for it!” AJ asks her if she’ll still be queen of the ball with him, because there’s nobody else he’d rather dance with.
Jess gets her crown and they dance, but Jess cries the whole time, “her heart aching with a painful mixture of pride and affection, loneliness and regret.” And she never confesses to cheating on him. Or gives a thought to her sister and Jeffrey, still out in the parking lot with an armed maniac. In fact, she feels sad for Chris! He looked so unhappy when Jeffrey beat him up, because he knew he’d lost Jess forever!
This book is sick. And not in a good way.
Once they get home, the twins have a whispered conversation in Liz’s room about what happened. They can’t talk about it until then, because their parents were at the ball and they don’t want them to be worried.
WHAT. Liz was kidnapped at knife point and STUFFED IN A TRUNK and Ned and Alice never find out? This is a new low in parenting, even for the Wakefields.
Anyway, Liz tells Jess that as soon as the security guards came, they called the police. Chris answered all the police’s questions and asked for his psychiatrist. Apparently, he was a deeply disturbed young man. I know we’re all shocked by that.
And that’s the end of the ordeal. No residual trauma. No parental involvement. No fallout whatsoever.
As a lead-in to the next book, there’s a Varsity Club dance coming up. Shelley Novak is the star of the girls’ basketball team, but she’s so tall that Amy thinks no guy would ever go out with her. Jess asks Shelley if she has a date for the dance in that obnoxious giggly way that makes it plain that she knows full well Shelley does not - I know you know the tone I mean - and then once Shelley is gone, Amy bets nobody will ask her (according to Amy, no boy wants to dance with a girl who’s taller than she is) and Jess bets Shelley will have a date. It’s on.
To be continued in #54: Perfect Shot.
While this title could probably apply to either twin on any given weekend, it’s Jessica who cheats on her boyfriend this time. Also, this book is about stalking. A very serious issue, to be sure. Shall we see how Sweet Valley High butchers it? Let’s read.
Liz is dating Jeffrey. Jess is dating AJ Morgan, the redhead from Atlanta. Remember him? They got together over the Slam Books, because AJ thought Jess was the quiet, bookish twin and he likes girls who know their place. Not that he actually said that out loud, but it was heavily implied.
So, the Sweet Valley Samaritans Club, an organization we have never heard of before and will never hear of again, is sponsoring an essay contest for SVH students. The winner will be king or queen of their Citizens Day Ball at the Country Club. Another freaking ball! If I ever moved to Sweet Valley, I’d open a tuxedo rental store and make millions. We’re informed that Saint Elizabeth didn’t enter because she’s so busy with a Big Sisters program she just started with Enid, but the ghost writer wants to make sure we know that if she had entered, she would totally win and be queen of that ball. As it is, AJ wrote an essay and Jess is desperate for him to win because if he’s king, that’ll make her queen.
AJ meets Jess at her locker and tells her that his grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary is that weekend, so he and his family are leaving Wednesday night for Texas and spending a long weekend with their relatives. Jess is enraged. Haven’t those selfish old people thought about how this will affect her? How dare they have an anniversary that will take her boyfriend away for four whole days? What’s she supposed to do the whole time AJ is gone? AJ suggests she do whatever she’d been planning anyway, but she snaps that she was going to Ken’s party but now she won’t because it wouldn’t look right for her to show up alone. I don’t know why not, unless this is part of the weird antediluvian role she’s playing for AJ. He begs her forgiveness, and she grudgingly gives it. Then he tells her he won the essay contest: they’re king and queen of the ball! Yay! Jess thinks about how long it’s been since she was the center of attention, and how much she deserves something like this.
Jess? You deserve jack. You were not the one who wrote the prize-winning essay on Sweet Valley in the Year 2000. (No, really, that’s the topic. Answer? Exactly like now, but with text messaging and flat-screen TVs. And flying cars. This is the future we’re talking about, after all. Oh, 1989, you were so cute.)
Jess asks Liz if she ever gets bored doing the same old thing with Jeffrey all the time, and Liz says no. Probably because, unlike her punchy ex, Jeffrey’s actually interesting to talk to. Anyway, Jess is bored with AJ because they spend every minute together, so what do they have to talk about? They already know everything about each other’s day. Liz says Jess needs some time to herself, then, and maybe AJ’s trip to Texas will be good for them. Then she threatens to tickle Jess if Jess doesn’t get out of her room. Weird!
Jess feels sorry for herself and wants her friends to lavish her with sympathy. Lila isn’t the sycophantic type: she calls Jess pathetic and reminisces about the good old days, when Jess would’ve been out snagging a hot guy instead of pouting in the cafeteria. Hee. Lila, Amy, and Cara invite Jess to the beach, but she makes them beg before she’ll say yes. At the beach, the girls paint their nails and read magazines while Jess becomes increasingly furious that they’re not fawning all over her. She goes swimming and thinks about how it would serve them right if she drowned - Then they’d be sorry! - and when she gets out of the water the girls tell her they’re going to the Dairi Burger. Jess says she doesn’t want to, and then waits for them to beg her. They don’t, and she’s enraged. How dare they! They don’t even care about her! She plops down on the sand and figures she’ll just sit there all night long - Then they’d be sorry! - and sulks while she watches a guy who’s out surfing. Eventually the surfer comes back to the beach: he’s hot, his name is Christopher, and he noticed Jess watching him, so will she have dinner with him? She comments on how he moves pretty fast and he’s like, “I knew ten minutes ago I wanted to ask you out. Why waste time?” She likes that, and says she’ll meet him in an hour.
Jess runs home to shower and change. She tries to avoid Liz because, after all, there’s nothing wrong with having dinner with a new friend but she just knows Liz will bring up annoying things like ethics and honesty. Jess doesn’t have much luck, though, because Liz catches her putting on makeup. Jess tells her she met a new friend named Chris at the beach, and then inwardly rolls her eyes when Liz assumes Chris is a girl. Jess thinks briefly about AJ and decides not to tell him about Chris: after all, he’s so sensitive, and he’s bound to misconstrue the situation. Imagine that.
Jess meets Chris at a restaurant outside of Sweet Valley. He tells her, “I’m getting hungry,” and Jess thinks that everything he says sounds “seductive and thrilling.” That makes me think Chris sounds like Joey Tribbiani, with his weird talent of making anything sound lewd. Jess likes the idea that he doesn’t know she’s a twin, so she just tells him she has a sister. Whenever she tries to get him to talk about himself, he changes the subject back to her. She doesn’t even know his last name or where he lives, but all his compliments and attention are going right to her head. They go for a walk on the beach after and make out. He’s like, “I have to see you again. You know that, don’t you? Can I see you tomorrow?” They make plans to meet in some café outside of town. Jess thinks of AJ, but doesn’t feel bad. She doesn’t care that it’s wrong to cheat; it’s what she wants to do.
No, seriously, that’s exactly what she thinks to herself.
They meet at a town north of Sweet Valley. Chris is waiting with a rose for Jess: he bought it from a lady selling them on the corner. When she says she loves it and that it was a romantic thing to do, he runs off and buys all the flowers the woman has. Oh, I see. So he’s manic. Is that where we’re going with this? Anyway, they have a great day walking around and going to the planetarium, something I can’t imagine Jess enjoying, but okay. Chris tells her that, if she were with anyone else, he would die of jealousy. Instead of finding that creepy, silly little Jess thinks it’s romantic. She still doesn’t know his last name, but that doesn’t raise any warning flags either.
He asks to see her again the next day, but that’s the day AJ’s coming home. She tells Chris she can hang out with him until noon. The next morning, she meets him at the beach and tells him she has a boyfriend. He’s like, “Figures. Don’t worry about it, I understand.” Jess thinks that she’s like the heroine of a tragic love story. AJ comes by the Wakefield house and, of course, doesn’t suspect a thing. Jess figures that, as long as she stays quiet, she’s gotten away with it. After all, nobody knows about Chris. Jess doesn’t even know about Chris: she doesn’t know a thing about him besides that he’s crazy about her. So…yay?
The next day, after Jess and Liz get home from school, the phone rings and Jess answers. Liz is quite confused by her half of the conversation: it’s all, “I told you no,” and, “I can’t,” and “You shouldn’t have.” When Jess hangs up, she tells Liz it was a magazine salesman. Hee!
Later that evening, AJ comes over to do homework. Jess tells him what a big deal the ball is: it’s on TV and the king and queen get their pictures in the newspaper. Are we surprised that it’s a major motivating factor in why Jess is desperate for AJ to not find out about her cheating ways? She can’t risk losing her chance to be the star of the ball. Er, I mean, she can’t risk losing AJ. Obviously that’s more important. Oh, and AJ’s putting a For Sale sign on his car.
Chris calls again. Jess is like, “Oh, hi, Lila.” He begs her to talk to him as a friend, even though she doesn’t want to date him anymore. She’s like, “No way,” and he goes, “Don’t do this to me, please? We had something really special. Why just throw it all away? I know you have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t matter.” Creepy! Jess tells him, “It matters to me, and nothing you say will change my mind.” AJ’s like, “You really laid into Lila,” so Jess has to construct an elaborate fiction about how Lila wants Jess to go shopping in LA the weekend of the ball. AJ’s like, “You can go if you want; I don’t care. I think the ball is pretty dumb.” Then why’d you enter the contest, huh? Jess insists to him she’ll be the queen no matter what. It’s the most prestigious dance of the year, and nothing will stop her from being center stage.
At school the next day, Mr. Collins gives Jess a note to stop by the office after class. When she goes, she finds that Chris has sent her a huge bunch of roses. Jess freaks out: she has to get rid of them before AJ sees. Unfortunately, he runs into her almost immediately and she has to think fast: she’s like, “Oh, these aren’t mine, Steve sent them to Cara.” Cara gives Jess a weird look, but covers all, “Oh, yeah, Steve is really romantic like that. You should send Jess flowers sometime, AJ.” AJ’s like, “She should send me flowers sometime.” I think that’s what passes for repartee in AJ’s mind. Even Todd could do better than that.
At the Dairi Burger after school, Jess looks out the window and sees Christopher in the parking lot, looking at the For Sale sign on AJ’s car. He looks pissed off. Jess is so startled she spills her drink, but then covers. AJ notices she’s jumpy, but she tells him she’s nervous about a French test and he believes her.
Chris calls again and is all, “I love you! You must know your boyfriend can’t love you like I do!” Jess tells him that she’s not breaking up with AJ and she’s never cheating on him again. She’s seriously regretful now: how should she have been so stupid? AJ’s the nicest boy she’s ever dated! She’s only sorry because she might get caught and not be queen of the ball. If Chris had disappeared from her life forever, she wouldn’t feel a bit guilty.
Chris calls again and is like, “But if you told your boyfriend about us, how could you two still want to be together?” He’s really slow, isn’t he? When he realizes she hasn’t told AJ, he laughs all scarily and hangs up. AJ calls and invites Jess over because a guy is interested in buying his car. Desperate to get away from her phone for a little while, Jess jumps at the chance.
I have to break in here for a public service announcement:
If you ever find yourself in a situation like this, do not do what Jess is doing, talking to him when he phones her. It’s extremely unsafe. Screen your calls. If the stalker calls you, make a log of the date and time and do not answer it. Any attention is good attention to people like that, and as long as they’re getting a reaction from you, they think it means that they have a place in your life and they will keep on calling. Never answer their calls. Save any voicemails. Block their email addresses and instant message IDs. Never go anyplace where you might run into the person, and if you do, leave immediately. It’ll cramp your style, but that’s better than risking your safety. Keep a log of any interactions that happen after you told the person to never contact you again, in case you need the records for a restraining order. And, for God’s sake, if you’re under 18 you need to tell your parents. Or, if you’re an adult yourself and don’t want to involve your family, tell a trusted friend. Someone else needs to know this is happening to you. You can’t handle it without backup.
This book is kind of freaking me out, I have to say. It is not sending girls a good message about how to deal with crazy people. But, then, when was that ever a strong point in the Sweet Valley series? Though, to be fair, it’s a lot more likely that preteen girls will one day be stalked by an ex than that they’ll be confronted with a murderously insane doppelganger. All I’m saying is that a little good advice here wouldn’t have hurt.
Sadly, Jess decides to keep her situation a secret. She almost tells Liz what’s happening: she figures that, even though this is a situation Liz would never be in, she’d know how to get out of it. Do you think that’s because Jess thinks Liz would never cheat on her boyfriend, or because Liz would never cheat with a crazy kid? At the last second, though, Jess changes her mind. She got herself into this situation, and it’s her job to get herself out. I’m more appalled than usual by the message Sweet Valley High is sending to its impressionable readers.
Jess goes to AJ’s, and that guy who was interested in buying his car? Is Christopher. Are we surprised? He wants to take a test drive, but just then AJ’s mom comes out and says there’s someone else on the phone about the car. AJ has to take the call, so he suggests Chris test drive with Jess. Jess is terrified: what if Christopher kidnaps her or something? But she can’t refuse without giving the whole thing away. So, scared for her life, she stupidly gets in the car.
Chris does, like, 75 all the way around Sweet Valley’s residential streets, switching lanes for no reason and just generally driving like a maniac and terrifying Jess. He finally screeches into a parking lot and asks Jess all conversationally, “So, have you told your boyfriend about us? No of course not. And you’re not going to, either, so you’ll have to go out with me again.” She refuses, and he’s like, “Great! I’ll pick you up on Saturday!” That’s the day of the ball, and she tells him there’s no way. She tries to get out of the car, but Chris lunges over her and locks her in, saying, “Don’t do that. You could get hurt.” He starts the car back up and starts speeding toward a brick wall, showing no sign of turning. Finally Jess screams, “Fine! I’ll do it!” Chris slams on the brakes and drives back to AJ’s, cheerfully chattering about what a great time they’re going to have and all the fun things they’ll do that weekend.
Cray-zee.
Jess has no intention of actually keeping the date, of course. She would’ve said anything she could to stop him from crashing the car into that wall. AJ can tell Jess is freaked out, but she doesn’t tell him why. He figures Chris just drove a little too fast for her and lets it drop.
Remember the Big Sister program Liz and Enid started at the beginning of the recap? The point of which was to “be a friend to a lonely motherless child?” (Is there an epidemic of motherlessness in Sweet Valley or something? How many kids could there really be?) Liz takes her little sister, Kim, to the mall. Chris happens to be in the parking lot: “The attractive, dark-haired boy looked at her intently, almost as though he expected her to say something or wave to him. But Elizabeth ignored him. Flirtatious boys exasperated her.” HA!
Kim’s never been to the mall or to a bookstore, and Liz condescendingly thinks that, “Things she and Jess took for granted were magical experiences for this little girl.” Gross. Liz recommends that Kim read Johnny Tremain. Thrilling stuff, to be sure. Liz rounds a corner and Chris is there. He demands, “Why are you avoiding me?” Liz is like, “Leave me alone,” because, of course, she has no idea who he is. And Chris doesn’t know Jess has a twin: Jess just said she had a sister. So he thinks Liz is Jess and Kim is the sister. Liz buys Kim a book and they sneak out through a different mall entrance so Chris can’t follow them. Kim doesn’t notice anything is weird, though, which is probably a good thing.
That night, Chris calls again. Jess is so upset that she sobbingly confesses everything to Elizabeth, admitting, “I’m such a total jerk! I’m the stupidest fool in the universe. I can’t believe I did something so mean and-and sneaky!” Liz wants to lecture but doesn’t: Jess doesn’t need a speech about honesty right now; it sounds like she’s being punished all out of proportion to what she actually did which, really, is true. Liz tells Jess what to do: the only way to remove Chris’s power over her is to confess to AJ herself. If AJ knows, Chris won’t be able to force Jess to go out with him. After all, when will he stop? Liz tells Jess that confessing would be the right thing to do even if she weren’t being blackmailed, but I disagree. If it was a one-time mistake and she’s desperately sorry and will never do it again, it’s selfish to hurt AJ by confessing just to make herself feel better. That might be an unpopular opinion, though.
Of course, sociopaths are never sorry for hurting people. They’re only sorry to be caught. So I guess my rules on cheating confession don’t really apply to Jess. Much like all other rules ever.
Jess protests that, if she tells AJ, he’ll break up with her and she won’t get to be queen of the ball. Liz says, “Oh, Jess.” Jess knows she sucks for it, but she just can’t confess before Saturday. Liz points out, “So, breaking up with AJ doesn’t matter as much as being queen?” Jess is like, “That’s not what I meant,” but it is. She promises she’ll tell AJ after Saturday, and Liz is like, “Then I guess you’ll be stalked for a few more days.” Liz knows this is a very bad situation, but doesn’t tell their parents.
The next day, the twins are making dinner when Christopher calls. Jess is like, “I changed my mind about you and I’m really looking forward to our date!” When she notices Liz is about to explode, she explains that she has to keep him happy until Saturday. Liz points out that AJ will be even more hurt when he learns Jess waited two weeks to tell him and Jess knows Liz is right, that what she’s doing to AJ is wrong and unfair. But she keeps thinking of herself as the queen of the ball, and there’s no way she’s going to jeopardize her chance to be the center of attention. She also tells herself that AJ worked hard on his essay and she doesn’t want to ruin his celebration, but that’s just an excuse.
When Chris calls on Saturday, Jess pretends to have strep throat and is thrilled when he buys it. However! That night at the ball, guess who shows up? Liz is dancing with Jeffrey when Chris cuts in. Jeffrey is kind of annoyed, but wanders away. Chris thinks Liz is Jess, of course, and is like, “I knew you’d be here.” Liz thinks fast: the king and queen are crowned at eight, so she only has to distract Chris for a few minutes so Jess can have her moment. She pouts, “I didn’t want to miss the party, but I’m glad you’re here!” Jeffrey starts moving like he’s going to cut back in, but backs off when Liz shakes her head at him. She thanks her lucky stars Jeffrey trusts her, and she has a point: if it were Todd, the punching would’ve already started.
Chris asks who Jeffrey is, and Liz says he’s her best friend’s boyfriend. Chris is like, “Good, because you know how jealous I can be.” This boy needs medication. Where are his parents? Chris says, “Let’s take a walk. There are too many people around, if you know what I mean.” Liz agrees, but thinks that her twin loyalty does not extend to making out with a crazy stranger, so she hopes Chris doesn’t try to kiss her. Jeffrey starts following them, but when Liz mouths, “It’s okay,” he shrugs and goes back inside. I can’t imagine Todd reacting the same way.
AJ has to read his essay in front of the crowd, and he’s nervous. The President of the Samaritans Club gets up and starts a long, boring speech. Jeffrey asks Jess if she’s seen Liz: she wandered off with a guy with dark, curly hair whom she seemed to know, and he’s looked all over the grounds but can’t find her.
Jess is torn: she realizes right away that Liz is with Chris, pretending to be Jess so Jess can be crowned queen. And now Liz is somewhere outside in the dark with an obsessed, dangerous, crazy person. But if she leaves to help Jeffrey look for Liz now, she’ll miss being crowned queen! And if she tells AJ why she’s going, he’ll find out about Chris right before having to get up and read his essay in front of a huge crowd! She can’t do that to him; it would be cruel! She tells herself that Liz will be okay, and promises Jeffrey that she’ll help him look in a few minutes. What a terrible sister.
Meanwhile, Chris has Liz’s arm in a tight grip and is dragging her across the Country Club grounds. Liz says, “Let’s go back and dance on the terrace. That was fun.” When he says no, she tries, “Oh, look! A bench! Let’s sit on it!” He agrees, and Chris tells her he’s been thinking, and knows a way they can be together all the time. They never have to go back. Liz points out that her parents are there, and wondering where she is and he’s all, “No they’re not.” Freaky.
She lies that she told AJ and he’ll start looking for her. Chris freaks out, screaming, “No, he won’t! He WON’T!” He drags her up, and Liz tries to tell him she’s not who he thinks, but he’s all, “You’re exactly who I think,” and pulls out a knife. She starts to cry, and he sighs and reasonably says, “If you would only like me as much as I like you, I wouldn’t have to do this, you know.” Liz is amazed at how sane he sounds. I swear to God, that’s what she thinks.
Liz cries even harder, wondering why she always winds up getting kidnapped by unbalanced, obsessed men. Well, moron, it’s no wonder, if you think the crazy shit they say sounds perfectly sane. Chris drags her to the parking lot and opens his trunk. She’s like, “Oh, no way.” He’s like, “Jessica, you’re making this harder than it should be. Relax! Just do what I say and everything will be okay.” He grabs her wrists and ties them up while she struggles, and then forces her into the trunk.
Hey, that’s something AJ could’ve talked about in his essay! In the year 2000, there will be trunk releases inside the trunk as well as outside, like so. The thing that cracks me up most about these pull tabs is that, in the glow-in-the-dark instructional illustration, the little stick man is running away. Just in case you weren’t sure, and decided to hang around so the person who’d stuffed you in his trunk could catch you and put you back in, you know. The car manufacturers want you to be very clear that, should you ever be in a situation where you have to use the interior trunk release, the next step is to get the fuck out of there.
Just as AJ gets up to read his speech, Jess’s psychic twin connection goes crazy. She feels dark and suffocated, and turns and runs out. She pauses outside, and then just knows she should run for the parking lot. Chris is just pulling out, and Jess throws himself in front of her car. He gets out and starts screaming, all, “I don’t know how you got out of the trunk, but you’re getting back in!” She kicks him in the shin - I guess they can’t say balls in a SVH book, but surely groin wouldn’t be too off color? - and then Jeffrey jumps on top of Chris and they fight. Jess pulls the keys out of the ignition and lets Liz out of the trunk. Jess is like, “I can’t believe I found you! We’re so lucky!” Liz is all, “Yeah, I feel super lucky right now.”
When they turn around, Jeffrey’s lip is bleeding pretty badly, but he’s subdued Chris. I like that he actually had to fight him. Todd would’ve thrown one punch and that would’ve been the end of it. Chris looks at both twins and moans, “Jessica!” in despair. Jeffrey is all, “Who is this guy I just assaulted and why did he have you in his trunk?” Jess cries that this was all her fault, and Liz says, “No it wasn’t. You didn’t know he’d do this.” Liz asks if the coronation is over, and when Jess says it’s too late, Liz makes her run back to be crowned. Jess doesn’t want to go, but Liz insists: “I only went with him so you could get what you wanted, Jess.”
In other words, “I knowingly risked my life so you could wear a crown at a ball.” These two girls have a seriously fucked up relationship.
Jess lets some security guards know they should go to the parking lot, and then runs back inside just in time to hear the end of AJ’s essay, which is a bunch of stupid stuff about how scientific advancements are unnecessary because our world is awesome as it is. And that won the prize? Good lord, he’s as dumb as Todd.
The Head Samaritan takes the microphone to make a few more remarks, and AJ pulls Jess aside to ask where she was and why she’s crying. Jess thinks that she never would’ve gone out with Chris if her relationship with AJ had been strong, and so she breaks up with him: “I can’t handle a relationship with just one boy! I just can’t! I’m not ready for it!” AJ asks her if she’ll still be queen of the ball with him, because there’s nobody else he’d rather dance with.
Jess gets her crown and they dance, but Jess cries the whole time, “her heart aching with a painful mixture of pride and affection, loneliness and regret.” And she never confesses to cheating on him. Or gives a thought to her sister and Jeffrey, still out in the parking lot with an armed maniac. In fact, she feels sad for Chris! He looked so unhappy when Jeffrey beat him up, because he knew he’d lost Jess forever!
This book is sick. And not in a good way.
Once they get home, the twins have a whispered conversation in Liz’s room about what happened. They can’t talk about it until then, because their parents were at the ball and they don’t want them to be worried.
WHAT. Liz was kidnapped at knife point and STUFFED IN A TRUNK and Ned and Alice never find out? This is a new low in parenting, even for the Wakefields.
Anyway, Liz tells Jess that as soon as the security guards came, they called the police. Chris answered all the police’s questions and asked for his psychiatrist. Apparently, he was a deeply disturbed young man. I know we’re all shocked by that.
And that’s the end of the ordeal. No residual trauma. No parental involvement. No fallout whatsoever.
As a lead-in to the next book, there’s a Varsity Club dance coming up. Shelley Novak is the star of the girls’ basketball team, but she’s so tall that Amy thinks no guy would ever go out with her. Jess asks Shelley if she has a date for the dance in that obnoxious giggly way that makes it plain that she knows full well Shelley does not - I know you know the tone I mean - and then once Shelley is gone, Amy bets nobody will ask her (according to Amy, no boy wants to dance with a girl who’s taller than she is) and Jess bets Shelley will have a date. It’s on.
To be continued in #54: Perfect Shot.