Swet Valley High #82: Kidnapped by the Cult!
Sweet Valley High #82: Kidnapped by the Cult!
Oh, come on. With a title like that, how could I resist?
Apparently the cult makes Jessica wear mom jeans.
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A Plot
Jess is having a bad time of it. She failed a few math tests, and Ned and Alice, remembering that you do occasionally have to parent your children or the government takes them away, ground her for three weeks. She misses out on a bunch of fun parties and sleepovers, and blames, in order:
(a) her parents, for being so unreasonable. Everyone but Elizabeth fails tests sometimes!
(b) Elizabeth, since if she weren’t so perfect, their parents might be less critical of Jess
(c) her friends, for having fun while Jess is grounded, and for going shopping and to the beach with her instead of making her do her homework.
At cheer practice, Jess messes up because she’s so annoyed at having to listen to the other girls make plans for the weekend. Then, Sam picks her up but can’t stay for dinner because he has to fix his dirtbike, since there’s a big race coming up. Todd’s eating over, though, which infuriates Jess even more. Liz is there with her perfect boyfriend, while Jess’s has his head up a motorcycle somewhere. During dinner, Ned and Alice snark about Jess’s crap math grade in front of Todd. Jess is embarrassed and storms off. Bad form, parents. That was a mean thing to do.
Oh, and Cara’s mom is taking Cara to London for a week. Lila immediately offers to throw a Cara-in-London themed party where everyone can look at slides of Lila’s last London trip. She’ll have the cook make fish and chips. Ha! If I were Jess, I’d be glad to have grounding as an excuse to skip that.
On Saturday, Jessica’s grounding is finally up. She plans to go shopping with Sam, and is enraged when he reminds her that he has a dirt bike race. He only told her a dozen times. Jess yells at him and storms out of the Dairi Burger, and then rants the whole way to the mall: Sam thinks she has nothing better to do than hang around watching him race! Lila and Amy are so selfish! Elizabeth is a boring, know-it-all tattletale! Nobody appreciates her!
She drops her purse as she enters the mall, and her stuff goes everywhere. It’s the last straw: she bursts into loud, messy tears. Aw! I feel so bad for people I see crying in public. I always offer them a Kleenex. You never know whether crying people want to be left alone (I know I do, on the rare occasions I’ve cried on the subway or whatever), but offering someone a tissue is unobtrusive and tells them that you’re acknowledging their sadness, you know? So they don’t feel invisible. It’s the best middle-ground I can think of.
My point is, poor sad Jess. Even though she’s being really childish, it’s always sad to cry in public.
A kid named Ted comes up to her and helps her pick up her stuff. He’s all, “I know what you’re going through. Your family doesn’t appreciate you. You’re probably in a one-sided relationship. I was in the same situation, blah blah blah.” Jess asks him how he dealt with it, and he said he met a guy named Adam Marvel, who’s dedicated his life to helping people. In fact, Adam started a group called the Good Friends, who all live together and can count on each other. Jess imagines Liz’s reaction to this, and skeptically asks, “What sort of group?” The guy is like, “Why don’t you come over for dinner?” Jess, pleased at the thought of making her family worried when she doesn’t show up for supper, agrees to come by. Brilliant.
The Good Friends live in Tricia Martin’s old neighborhood, so Jess is not thrilled about going there. The house is the junkiest one on the block, and Jess miserably realizes that they’re probably vegetarians who shop at thrift stores: not her kind of people. Hee. She’s about to drive off and apologize to Sam when Ted comes running out all, “This is the place! I was worried you’d gotten lost!” She can’t politely leave at that point, so she follows him inside. About twenty young people live there, and they have no TV and make their own clothes. Everyone talks about Adam in worshipful tones, and after hearing Adam’s views on TV (it will make you dumb) and on chores (everyone has to help with them), Jess starts to think he sounds like her parents. She’s relieved when dinner is chili: the kids aren’t vegetarians after all! Everyone spends dinner asking Jess all about herself, and they’re all super-friendly, except for a girl named Susan.
Also, Adam wants the kids to devote themselves to good works. That’s why Ted was at the mall: he was collecting money for some unnamed charity. That’s also why Adam has a locked bedroom all to himself, and everyone else has to share: he works so hard on their charitable operations. Jess thinks he sounds like Santa Claus, and is shocked when he turns up himself and is magnetic and gorgeous, but also gentle, understanding, and kind. By the time Jessica leaves the house, she’s agreed to come back the next day to help the group with their lawn work. Adam is so special and amazing, and Jess dreams of him understanding her like nobody else ever has.
Fastest culty brainwash ever, y/n?
The next day, Jess is actually excited to mow the Good Friends’ Lawn, because it’ll mean she gets to see Adam again. After all, if he fixed the lives of all the kids in the house, he might be able to fix hers too! She can’t tell her family, though, because they’d just make fun of her and call the Good Friends another one of her phases. Oh, Jessica. You can be so sweetly gullible sometimes.
As Jess and Adam clean out the garage, Jess tells him her entire life story. Adam charismas that, in Jess’s current groups, she always wants to stand out: the best cheerleader and the most popular Pi Beta Alpha. But that means she’s not a member of the group, she’s competing with the group. Silly little Jess thinks this is the most profound thing she’s ever heard. Adam tells Jess he likes her, and he wants her to be their friend. She thinks that sounds like a pretty good deal. That Susan girl is rude some more. Adam thinks it’s because she has a crush on him.
That night, Jess goes to the Dairi Burger with Sam and is appalled that all her friends talk about are clothes and gossip. She decides it’s proof Adam’s right: she hangs out with shallow people, and they make her shallow in turn, stifling the creative, generous, special side of her that Adam brings out. She snaps at Sam when he drives her home.
Jess tells her family she’s studying at the library, but really goes to Palisades to collect charity money door-to-door with the Good Friends. She gets more cash than anyone. On the way back to the house, Adam stops at a grocery store to get food. Jess is all, “You can’t spend the money we just collected! It’s for the needy!” but Adam tells her that they have to take out some overhead to cover their expenses: if they all had to get outside jobs instead, they wouldn’t have time to help others. Jess figures that makes sense, especially when all the other kids start nodding enthusiastically. Susan, the mean girl, is all, “If you’re going to question Adam, MAYBE THIS ISN’T THE GROUP FOR YOU!”
When Jess gets a moment alone with Annie, one of the other girls, she asks Annie about how she joined up with the Good Friends. Annie’s parents fought all the time, and Annie blamed herself until she met Adam. Jess asks how she feels when she’s not with the group, and Annie’s like, “Oh, Adam doesn’t let us talk to anyone else.” Jess is about to press that point, but Adam comes in and beguiles that outsiders don’t really understand their ways, since the GFs so special and different. Jess tells him she understands completely. Hee. She’s so vain. He has her number.
That night, when Sam shows up to take Jess to a party, she refuses to go and kicks him out.
Lila’s feelings are hurt that Jess doesn’t sit with her at lunch anymore: Jess spends all her time sitting alone, reading self-help books Adam’s given her. So, when Sam shows up after a PBA meeting to surprise Jess with a ride home, Lila’s like, “Jess isn’t here.” Sam says that Jess told him she’d be at the meeting, and Lila tosses her hair and replies, “Yeah, well, that means she’s probably cheating on you. Bye.” Amy thinks that was a mean thing to do, and Lila snaps that, if Jess wants Lila to cover for her, then Jess can start acting like a friend again. Don’t ever cross Lila Fowler.
Sam drives to the Wakefields and confronts Jess just as she’s getting home from the Good Friends. They have a huge fight, and Sam tells Jess she’s changing and he doesn’t like it. Jess remembers what Adam said: people would say these things to turn her against the GFs, because they’re threatened by her becoming a complete person. She kicks Sam out, and when Alice says, “You really shouldn’t have lied to him about where you were; he deserves your honesty,” Jess stomps out and heads back to the GF house to tell Adam everything. He stokes her ego and cults all over her until she feels better. Sam vows to find out what Jess’s problem is.
The next morning, Liz is surprised to see Jess cleaning her room. Jess quotes Adam at her and then coolly kicks Liz out.
At lunch, Todd tells Liz that he thought he saw Jess collecting money at the mall, but he decides it couldn’t have been her. Jess spends money, she doesn’t collect it. Enid snots that Jessica dresses like a social worker now, and the three of them all stare at Jess, who’s reading on the other side of the cafeteria. Finally, Todd breaks the silence: “Don’t worry, it’s probably a book about makeup.” Ha!
Ned tells Alice and Liz that his law firm has been hired to investigate a new cult in Sweet Valley. It’s the Good Friends! Who didn’t see that coming? Apparently the charities they collect for are either fake or have never heard of the GFs. Adam’s keeping all the money for himself. The nonprofits have hired Ned’s firm to look into whether the group is using their name without their permission. Liz is all, “A cult? In Sweet Valley? That’s impossible!” Is it, Elizabeth? Is it really?
No, I didn’t think so.
Sam tells Liz and Todd all about how Jess has been lying about where she spends her time. He’s like, “I don’t think this is one of her stupid phases; it’s different.” Liz thinks she’s in love with a librarian, and Sam is all, “Have you been listening to me? She is not going to the library. I know because I’ve been following her.” Stalking is so romantic! You know a boy loves you if he never lets you get more than three blocks ahead while he’s secretly watching your every move.
When she gets home that night, Liz decides to reach out to Jess with her favorite thing: some gossip. So, she tells Jess what Ned said about the GFs, and is shocked when Jess chews her out. It’s a terrible thing to accuse innocent people who only want to help others! Liz is all, “How do you know so much about them?” and Jess ends the conversation. Not suspicious at all.
Jess realizes that Adam might be angry with her if he finds out her dad is investigating the GFs, so the next time she goes to the house she knocks on the door of his private room. He snaps at her all, “NOBODY’S ALLOWED IN!” but when he opens the door he’s all, “Jessica! Why didn’t you say it was you?” He still makes her talk to him in the hallway, though. He disarms her concerns by telling her that fake charities sometimes take advantage of the GFs, or the employees of real charities will pocket the GFs’ donations and then claim to have never gotten them. Jess is reassured.
She has no idea Sam followed her to the cult house. He runs right back to Calico Drive and confesses his stalking to Todd and Liz. Todd is all, “Oh, yeah. I totally understand. I stalk my girlfriend sometimes too, like whenever she’s had a head injury or I’m just feeling like an insecure jerk.” The boys want to tell Liz’s parents, but for some reason Liz nixes that idea. She wants to talk to Jess herself.
And that’s exactly what she does. Jess is defensive at first, but Liz convinces her that she’s genuinely interested in learning more about the group. Half an hour later, after Liz sits through Jess’s entire panegyric to Adam Marvel, Jess promises that she’ll sever all ties to the GFs immediately if it turns out Ned’s right about them, and in the meantime, Liz won’t tell their parents about Jess’s involvement with the group.
Oh, this will end well.
Liz decides to impersonate Jess to learn more about the GFs. Sam will keep Jess busy for a night, and Todd will lurk outside the cult house in case Liz needs backup. This scene is wonderful. Todd is sure something will go wrong, that they’ll realize they’ve got the wrong twin, and Sam’s AMAZINGLY backhanded retort is the best line in the book: “Admit it, Todd, I bet there are times when even you can’t tell who is who.” Burn! Todd tries once more to get out of it: “What if they kidnap you?” and Liz is like, “Duh, you’ll save me.” Todd’s all, “How?” and Liz and Sam are like, “Um? By punching them? You are Todd Wilkins, aren’t you?” Todd smiles.
Jess is annoyed at having to go out with Sam, because it means she’s missing the GFs book club. Hee. Liz goes, and basically the discussion consists of Adam saying something, and then everyone in the room nodding and agreeing with him. She’s seriously creeped out by Adam: he has dead eyes. Like Margo! Just then, some other GFs come in, all freaked out. They’d been panhandling at the mall and lost Brian, a member of their group. He just disappeared. Adam seems calm, but his eyes are enraged. He tells the kids that they’ll just have to find Brian, that’s all. As soon as he turns his back, mean Susan grabs Liz’s arm and hisses, “You have to get out of here and never come back!” Liz is confused by this, but covers for Susan when Adam asks what they’re whispering about.
Todd and Liz debrief. Todd still wants Liz to tell her parents, but Liz insists that would just make Jess run away with the cult or something. She’s sure Jess will stick to her promise, if it turns out the GFs really are a scam. Todd’s not so sure. He’s finding the whole situation pretty scary. Liz is too: she has nightmares about Adam all night.
At dinner that evening, Ned tells his family that Brian’s parents had him kidnapped, and as soon as he’s been deprogrammed, he’ll be back in Sweet Valley to testify against Adam. Ned’s all, “We’ll be able to put him away for a long time!” So Ned’s a DA in this book? Whatever. Jess is horrified that someone would take Brian from the group against his will and hold him prisoner like that.
Liz tries to talk to her about how creepy the GFs are, but Jess blows her off. It’s not Liz’s fault, after all. She just doesn’t understand because she’s just not a complete person, like Jess and Adam are. Liz wants to tell their parents, but she looks around Jess’s clean room, and sees Jess sitting at her desk, wearing a conservative outfit (with a watch!) and doing her homework ahead of time. “How can the cult be a bad influence if it makes Jess act more like me?” Liz wonders. HA! This is amazing on so many levels! Liz, once again, decides to stay quiet.
Jess sneaks out to the cult house to tell Adam everything. Adam tells her that mean Susan’s left the group too because her mom got sick, and begs Jess to help them get Brian back. Jess says, “Well, sure, if his parents get to know the group, they’ll see we’re good people.” Adam twirls his villain mustache and is like, “Whatever, kid.” Jess agrees to steal Brian’s parents’ contact info from her dad. And that night, once Ned and Alice go to sleep, that’s exactly what Jess does. Lawyers might not want to leave their client rolodexes just sitting out in their unlocked home offices.
Well, competent lawyers might not want to do that. Ned Wakefield is a whole different situation.
Jess gives Adam the address. Adam’s all, “We have to leave town or they’ll just steal him back again and brainwash him to testify against us.” He tries to talk Jess into coming with them, a fresh start where she can be everything she ever wanted. He’s not sure he can make it without her. Jess agrees. She lies to Sam that she’s sick and won’t be able to make their date that night, and then packs a bag to run away. She almost chickens out when she thinks of leaving Liz forever, but screws up her courage and goes. (She doesn’t bring her blow dryer. She figures Adam would say total people can exist without them. I don’t know why, but that made me laugh.)
Sam calls back a little later and gets Liz. He’s all, “I know Jess has the flu, but I want to stop by.” Liz is all, “But she said she’s on a date with you! She left with her duffel bag!” In a flash, they both realize she’s run away with the GFs. Sam hurries to the Wakefield house to get Liz, and Liz calls Todd and tells him to get the police and meet them at the cult house.
The GFs are all ready to leave, and suddenly Jessica wants to back out. She’s only just noticing how all the kids look like sleepwalkers. They’re all heading out to the van when Liz pulls up and, basically, has a meltdown on the front lawn, hysterically begging Jess to stay. Adam tries to force Jess into the van, and Liz is all, “Why won’t you let her talk to me? Do you have something to hide?” Jess is torn between Adam and Liz, and then Sam comes out of the cult house holding Susan’s limp body. He’d found her bound, gagged, and unconscious in Adam’s locked room. Jess is all, “You said she’d gone home?” and Adam’s like, “Just get in the car already! I’m a cult leader in a hurry!”
Todd and the police pull up, and Liz is all, “You’re so busted.”
Turns out Susan was really a reporter who’d infiltrated the group to expose it. She was only mean to Jess because she wanted to scare her away before it was too late. Jess can’t believe she almost left her family and Sam for a con artist, and feels pretty lame.
No Todd punch? I feel cheated.
B Plot
Liz and Todd are joining the school’s new bowling team. They invite Jess to come too, and she rudely declines. Are we surprised? And I think Liz and Todd have officially managed to out-dork themselves. Remind me: they’re supposed to be the popular kids, right?
First bowling team meeting: the captain, Justin, is hot. Long blond hair, a silver Porsche, and a face like a god. I’m so sure. Liz feels all squirmy inside every time Justin looks at her, so Todd punches him. Except not that last part. Admit it, though: you wouldn’t be a bit surprised, would you. She really does seem to have a weird little crush on the 100% realistically hot high school bowling champ, though.
Todd pouts to Liz about how the absurdly hot bowler pays her more attention than anyone else. Liz tells Todd she loves him, which means she’ll probably be cheating by the end of the book. Also, apparently during that day’s practice Todd bounced his bowling ball across two lanes. How hard is it to roll a ball down the lane in front of you? Is Todd mentally challenged or something?
Why do I ask these questions when I already know the answers?
The farcically hot bowler tells Liz that he wishes he’d met her before Todd did, and Liz is still like, “It’s so nice that he’s interested in my bowling progress!” Loser.
The ludicrously hot bowler calls from the bowling alley payphone to ask Liz out. She can hear pins being knocked down in the background. Klassy. He’s like, “I know you’re Todd’s girlfriend, but I thought it was worth a shot.” Liz turns him down, but she doesn’t mention it to Todd because she’s secretly pretty flattered. Justin picks up on that, I’m sure, because he’s even more attentive to her the next day. When Todd makes a bitchy comment in front of Enid about, “Liz is going to leave me for our bowling coach,” though, Liz snaps out of it enough that she knows she has to end the situation.
So, she goes to the next practice early. The preposterously hot bowler is like, “You’re here alone! I hope this means you’ve broken up with Todd and want to make out with me! We could talk and bowl all night long!” She’s like, “No, I came to tell you it’s never happening.” Justin’s all, “But you’re so beautiful!” Liz is all, “No, seriously, back off,” and he creeps, “I respect your loyalty. I just wish it was directed at me.” Todd picks that moment to walk up and punch him. No, actually Todd walks right up behind him and startles the kid half to death by saying, “I hope I’m interrupting you.” Hee. He fully knows the score. That’s actually kind of an awesome Todd moment.
Liz decides she has to confess to Todd that the ridiculously hot bowler asked her out, but before she gets a chance, they run into Justin again. He pervs all over Liz, and then wanders away. Todd is like, “I don’t want you to think I’m the jealous, possessive type, but I’m not stupid and that guy is trying to steal my girlfriend. I trust you, though.” HA! Every single part of that speech is wrong, except for the girlfriend stealing. Liz is like, “Uh…yeah. That’s a good move.” She doesn’t confess after all, because she likes Justin’s attention at practice. That night, Justin lusts after her some more, pushing Todd ever closer to his breaking point. I hope it comes soon, and involves punching.
Enid and Liz are shopping, and Enid freaks out because a hot blond guy is following them. She’s sure it’s culty Adam. Liz keeps looking around, but she doesn’t see anyone. At the Dairi Burger, Enid suddenly gasps, “He just came in! He has something behind his back; it could be a gun!” Cowardly Liz hides under the table - HA! - and imagine her surprise when the guy walks up to her and it’s not Adam at all. It’s the laughably hot bowler. He has flowers for her, and is like, “I followed you here from downtown. I’m sorry if I offended you. Please don’t quit the bowling team.” Liz is charmed, for some reason. Enid feels like an idiot.
Liz agrees to meet Justin for brunch. Just as friends. Not a date. Which is why she wears her best silk blouse. But she doesn’t have fun: he spends the whole time talking about how athletic he is and how hot she is. She’s bored. Also, she realizes that Justin’s thinking of this as a date. Well, duh, Elizabeth! Jeez. She sees one of the GFs panhandling, and runs the other way. Justin’s all, “What’s wrong?” and Liz realizes that it would take her forever to explain. She really wants Todd to be there with her. Took her long enough.
After the whole thing with the Good Friends is resolved, Liz realizes how much she depends on Todd and cuts things off with Justin once and for all. Todd apologizes for taking Liz for granted, though I didn’t see him doing that at all in this book. Whatever. Another storyline where nobody got punched. Bummer.
Remember how Cara’s going to London? Steve’s unhappy about it. To be continued in #83: Steven’s Bride. Great title.
And, as a bonus, there’s a reader essay on the back cover! This girl loves Sweet Valley books because: “They actually helped me to know what to expect for junior high before I got there. The books are so realistic. They also help me understand other people’s morals.” Morals, you guys! And realism! In her conclusion, she vows that she will treat her Sweet Valley books as treasured family heirlooms, and pass them on to her own daughter one day. I wonder where this girl is now, and if her skin crawls with embarrassment when she remembers this essay, which was published with her full name and picture. Rough luck, kid.
Oh, come on. With a title like that, how could I resist?
Apparently the cult makes Jessica wear mom jeans.
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A Plot
Jess is having a bad time of it. She failed a few math tests, and Ned and Alice, remembering that you do occasionally have to parent your children or the government takes them away, ground her for three weeks. She misses out on a bunch of fun parties and sleepovers, and blames, in order:
(a) her parents, for being so unreasonable. Everyone but Elizabeth fails tests sometimes!
(b) Elizabeth, since if she weren’t so perfect, their parents might be less critical of Jess
(c) her friends, for having fun while Jess is grounded, and for going shopping and to the beach with her instead of making her do her homework.
At cheer practice, Jess messes up because she’s so annoyed at having to listen to the other girls make plans for the weekend. Then, Sam picks her up but can’t stay for dinner because he has to fix his dirtbike, since there’s a big race coming up. Todd’s eating over, though, which infuriates Jess even more. Liz is there with her perfect boyfriend, while Jess’s has his head up a motorcycle somewhere. During dinner, Ned and Alice snark about Jess’s crap math grade in front of Todd. Jess is embarrassed and storms off. Bad form, parents. That was a mean thing to do.
Oh, and Cara’s mom is taking Cara to London for a week. Lila immediately offers to throw a Cara-in-London themed party where everyone can look at slides of Lila’s last London trip. She’ll have the cook make fish and chips. Ha! If I were Jess, I’d be glad to have grounding as an excuse to skip that.
On Saturday, Jessica’s grounding is finally up. She plans to go shopping with Sam, and is enraged when he reminds her that he has a dirt bike race. He only told her a dozen times. Jess yells at him and storms out of the Dairi Burger, and then rants the whole way to the mall: Sam thinks she has nothing better to do than hang around watching him race! Lila and Amy are so selfish! Elizabeth is a boring, know-it-all tattletale! Nobody appreciates her!
She drops her purse as she enters the mall, and her stuff goes everywhere. It’s the last straw: she bursts into loud, messy tears. Aw! I feel so bad for people I see crying in public. I always offer them a Kleenex. You never know whether crying people want to be left alone (I know I do, on the rare occasions I’ve cried on the subway or whatever), but offering someone a tissue is unobtrusive and tells them that you’re acknowledging their sadness, you know? So they don’t feel invisible. It’s the best middle-ground I can think of.
My point is, poor sad Jess. Even though she’s being really childish, it’s always sad to cry in public.
A kid named Ted comes up to her and helps her pick up her stuff. He’s all, “I know what you’re going through. Your family doesn’t appreciate you. You’re probably in a one-sided relationship. I was in the same situation, blah blah blah.” Jess asks him how he dealt with it, and he said he met a guy named Adam Marvel, who’s dedicated his life to helping people. In fact, Adam started a group called the Good Friends, who all live together and can count on each other. Jess imagines Liz’s reaction to this, and skeptically asks, “What sort of group?” The guy is like, “Why don’t you come over for dinner?” Jess, pleased at the thought of making her family worried when she doesn’t show up for supper, agrees to come by. Brilliant.
The Good Friends live in Tricia Martin’s old neighborhood, so Jess is not thrilled about going there. The house is the junkiest one on the block, and Jess miserably realizes that they’re probably vegetarians who shop at thrift stores: not her kind of people. Hee. She’s about to drive off and apologize to Sam when Ted comes running out all, “This is the place! I was worried you’d gotten lost!” She can’t politely leave at that point, so she follows him inside. About twenty young people live there, and they have no TV and make their own clothes. Everyone talks about Adam in worshipful tones, and after hearing Adam’s views on TV (it will make you dumb) and on chores (everyone has to help with them), Jess starts to think he sounds like her parents. She’s relieved when dinner is chili: the kids aren’t vegetarians after all! Everyone spends dinner asking Jess all about herself, and they’re all super-friendly, except for a girl named Susan.
Also, Adam wants the kids to devote themselves to good works. That’s why Ted was at the mall: he was collecting money for some unnamed charity. That’s also why Adam has a locked bedroom all to himself, and everyone else has to share: he works so hard on their charitable operations. Jess thinks he sounds like Santa Claus, and is shocked when he turns up himself and is magnetic and gorgeous, but also gentle, understanding, and kind. By the time Jessica leaves the house, she’s agreed to come back the next day to help the group with their lawn work. Adam is so special and amazing, and Jess dreams of him understanding her like nobody else ever has.
Fastest culty brainwash ever, y/n?
The next day, Jess is actually excited to mow the Good Friends’ Lawn, because it’ll mean she gets to see Adam again. After all, if he fixed the lives of all the kids in the house, he might be able to fix hers too! She can’t tell her family, though, because they’d just make fun of her and call the Good Friends another one of her phases. Oh, Jessica. You can be so sweetly gullible sometimes.
As Jess and Adam clean out the garage, Jess tells him her entire life story. Adam charismas that, in Jess’s current groups, she always wants to stand out: the best cheerleader and the most popular Pi Beta Alpha. But that means she’s not a member of the group, she’s competing with the group. Silly little Jess thinks this is the most profound thing she’s ever heard. Adam tells Jess he likes her, and he wants her to be their friend. She thinks that sounds like a pretty good deal. That Susan girl is rude some more. Adam thinks it’s because she has a crush on him.
That night, Jess goes to the Dairi Burger with Sam and is appalled that all her friends talk about are clothes and gossip. She decides it’s proof Adam’s right: she hangs out with shallow people, and they make her shallow in turn, stifling the creative, generous, special side of her that Adam brings out. She snaps at Sam when he drives her home.
Jess tells her family she’s studying at the library, but really goes to Palisades to collect charity money door-to-door with the Good Friends. She gets more cash than anyone. On the way back to the house, Adam stops at a grocery store to get food. Jess is all, “You can’t spend the money we just collected! It’s for the needy!” but Adam tells her that they have to take out some overhead to cover their expenses: if they all had to get outside jobs instead, they wouldn’t have time to help others. Jess figures that makes sense, especially when all the other kids start nodding enthusiastically. Susan, the mean girl, is all, “If you’re going to question Adam, MAYBE THIS ISN’T THE GROUP FOR YOU!”
When Jess gets a moment alone with Annie, one of the other girls, she asks Annie about how she joined up with the Good Friends. Annie’s parents fought all the time, and Annie blamed herself until she met Adam. Jess asks how she feels when she’s not with the group, and Annie’s like, “Oh, Adam doesn’t let us talk to anyone else.” Jess is about to press that point, but Adam comes in and beguiles that outsiders don’t really understand their ways, since the GFs so special and different. Jess tells him she understands completely. Hee. She’s so vain. He has her number.
That night, when Sam shows up to take Jess to a party, she refuses to go and kicks him out.
Lila’s feelings are hurt that Jess doesn’t sit with her at lunch anymore: Jess spends all her time sitting alone, reading self-help books Adam’s given her. So, when Sam shows up after a PBA meeting to surprise Jess with a ride home, Lila’s like, “Jess isn’t here.” Sam says that Jess told him she’d be at the meeting, and Lila tosses her hair and replies, “Yeah, well, that means she’s probably cheating on you. Bye.” Amy thinks that was a mean thing to do, and Lila snaps that, if Jess wants Lila to cover for her, then Jess can start acting like a friend again. Don’t ever cross Lila Fowler.
Sam drives to the Wakefields and confronts Jess just as she’s getting home from the Good Friends. They have a huge fight, and Sam tells Jess she’s changing and he doesn’t like it. Jess remembers what Adam said: people would say these things to turn her against the GFs, because they’re threatened by her becoming a complete person. She kicks Sam out, and when Alice says, “You really shouldn’t have lied to him about where you were; he deserves your honesty,” Jess stomps out and heads back to the GF house to tell Adam everything. He stokes her ego and cults all over her until she feels better. Sam vows to find out what Jess’s problem is.
The next morning, Liz is surprised to see Jess cleaning her room. Jess quotes Adam at her and then coolly kicks Liz out.
At lunch, Todd tells Liz that he thought he saw Jess collecting money at the mall, but he decides it couldn’t have been her. Jess spends money, she doesn’t collect it. Enid snots that Jessica dresses like a social worker now, and the three of them all stare at Jess, who’s reading on the other side of the cafeteria. Finally, Todd breaks the silence: “Don’t worry, it’s probably a book about makeup.” Ha!
Ned tells Alice and Liz that his law firm has been hired to investigate a new cult in Sweet Valley. It’s the Good Friends! Who didn’t see that coming? Apparently the charities they collect for are either fake or have never heard of the GFs. Adam’s keeping all the money for himself. The nonprofits have hired Ned’s firm to look into whether the group is using their name without their permission. Liz is all, “A cult? In Sweet Valley? That’s impossible!” Is it, Elizabeth? Is it really?
No, I didn’t think so.
Sam tells Liz and Todd all about how Jess has been lying about where she spends her time. He’s like, “I don’t think this is one of her stupid phases; it’s different.” Liz thinks she’s in love with a librarian, and Sam is all, “Have you been listening to me? She is not going to the library. I know because I’ve been following her.” Stalking is so romantic! You know a boy loves you if he never lets you get more than three blocks ahead while he’s secretly watching your every move.
When she gets home that night, Liz decides to reach out to Jess with her favorite thing: some gossip. So, she tells Jess what Ned said about the GFs, and is shocked when Jess chews her out. It’s a terrible thing to accuse innocent people who only want to help others! Liz is all, “How do you know so much about them?” and Jess ends the conversation. Not suspicious at all.
Jess realizes that Adam might be angry with her if he finds out her dad is investigating the GFs, so the next time she goes to the house she knocks on the door of his private room. He snaps at her all, “NOBODY’S ALLOWED IN!” but when he opens the door he’s all, “Jessica! Why didn’t you say it was you?” He still makes her talk to him in the hallway, though. He disarms her concerns by telling her that fake charities sometimes take advantage of the GFs, or the employees of real charities will pocket the GFs’ donations and then claim to have never gotten them. Jess is reassured.
She has no idea Sam followed her to the cult house. He runs right back to Calico Drive and confesses his stalking to Todd and Liz. Todd is all, “Oh, yeah. I totally understand. I stalk my girlfriend sometimes too, like whenever she’s had a head injury or I’m just feeling like an insecure jerk.” The boys want to tell Liz’s parents, but for some reason Liz nixes that idea. She wants to talk to Jess herself.
And that’s exactly what she does. Jess is defensive at first, but Liz convinces her that she’s genuinely interested in learning more about the group. Half an hour later, after Liz sits through Jess’s entire panegyric to Adam Marvel, Jess promises that she’ll sever all ties to the GFs immediately if it turns out Ned’s right about them, and in the meantime, Liz won’t tell their parents about Jess’s involvement with the group.
Oh, this will end well.
Liz decides to impersonate Jess to learn more about the GFs. Sam will keep Jess busy for a night, and Todd will lurk outside the cult house in case Liz needs backup. This scene is wonderful. Todd is sure something will go wrong, that they’ll realize they’ve got the wrong twin, and Sam’s AMAZINGLY backhanded retort is the best line in the book: “Admit it, Todd, I bet there are times when even you can’t tell who is who.” Burn! Todd tries once more to get out of it: “What if they kidnap you?” and Liz is like, “Duh, you’ll save me.” Todd’s all, “How?” and Liz and Sam are like, “Um? By punching them? You are Todd Wilkins, aren’t you?” Todd smiles.
Jess is annoyed at having to go out with Sam, because it means she’s missing the GFs book club. Hee. Liz goes, and basically the discussion consists of Adam saying something, and then everyone in the room nodding and agreeing with him. She’s seriously creeped out by Adam: he has dead eyes. Like Margo! Just then, some other GFs come in, all freaked out. They’d been panhandling at the mall and lost Brian, a member of their group. He just disappeared. Adam seems calm, but his eyes are enraged. He tells the kids that they’ll just have to find Brian, that’s all. As soon as he turns his back, mean Susan grabs Liz’s arm and hisses, “You have to get out of here and never come back!” Liz is confused by this, but covers for Susan when Adam asks what they’re whispering about.
Todd and Liz debrief. Todd still wants Liz to tell her parents, but Liz insists that would just make Jess run away with the cult or something. She’s sure Jess will stick to her promise, if it turns out the GFs really are a scam. Todd’s not so sure. He’s finding the whole situation pretty scary. Liz is too: she has nightmares about Adam all night.
At dinner that evening, Ned tells his family that Brian’s parents had him kidnapped, and as soon as he’s been deprogrammed, he’ll be back in Sweet Valley to testify against Adam. Ned’s all, “We’ll be able to put him away for a long time!” So Ned’s a DA in this book? Whatever. Jess is horrified that someone would take Brian from the group against his will and hold him prisoner like that.
Liz tries to talk to her about how creepy the GFs are, but Jess blows her off. It’s not Liz’s fault, after all. She just doesn’t understand because she’s just not a complete person, like Jess and Adam are. Liz wants to tell their parents, but she looks around Jess’s clean room, and sees Jess sitting at her desk, wearing a conservative outfit (with a watch!) and doing her homework ahead of time. “How can the cult be a bad influence if it makes Jess act more like me?” Liz wonders. HA! This is amazing on so many levels! Liz, once again, decides to stay quiet.
Jess sneaks out to the cult house to tell Adam everything. Adam tells her that mean Susan’s left the group too because her mom got sick, and begs Jess to help them get Brian back. Jess says, “Well, sure, if his parents get to know the group, they’ll see we’re good people.” Adam twirls his villain mustache and is like, “Whatever, kid.” Jess agrees to steal Brian’s parents’ contact info from her dad. And that night, once Ned and Alice go to sleep, that’s exactly what Jess does. Lawyers might not want to leave their client rolodexes just sitting out in their unlocked home offices.
Well, competent lawyers might not want to do that. Ned Wakefield is a whole different situation.
Jess gives Adam the address. Adam’s all, “We have to leave town or they’ll just steal him back again and brainwash him to testify against us.” He tries to talk Jess into coming with them, a fresh start where she can be everything she ever wanted. He’s not sure he can make it without her. Jess agrees. She lies to Sam that she’s sick and won’t be able to make their date that night, and then packs a bag to run away. She almost chickens out when she thinks of leaving Liz forever, but screws up her courage and goes. (She doesn’t bring her blow dryer. She figures Adam would say total people can exist without them. I don’t know why, but that made me laugh.)
Sam calls back a little later and gets Liz. He’s all, “I know Jess has the flu, but I want to stop by.” Liz is all, “But she said she’s on a date with you! She left with her duffel bag!” In a flash, they both realize she’s run away with the GFs. Sam hurries to the Wakefield house to get Liz, and Liz calls Todd and tells him to get the police and meet them at the cult house.
The GFs are all ready to leave, and suddenly Jessica wants to back out. She’s only just noticing how all the kids look like sleepwalkers. They’re all heading out to the van when Liz pulls up and, basically, has a meltdown on the front lawn, hysterically begging Jess to stay. Adam tries to force Jess into the van, and Liz is all, “Why won’t you let her talk to me? Do you have something to hide?” Jess is torn between Adam and Liz, and then Sam comes out of the cult house holding Susan’s limp body. He’d found her bound, gagged, and unconscious in Adam’s locked room. Jess is all, “You said she’d gone home?” and Adam’s like, “Just get in the car already! I’m a cult leader in a hurry!”
Todd and the police pull up, and Liz is all, “You’re so busted.”
Turns out Susan was really a reporter who’d infiltrated the group to expose it. She was only mean to Jess because she wanted to scare her away before it was too late. Jess can’t believe she almost left her family and Sam for a con artist, and feels pretty lame.
No Todd punch? I feel cheated.
B Plot
Liz and Todd are joining the school’s new bowling team. They invite Jess to come too, and she rudely declines. Are we surprised? And I think Liz and Todd have officially managed to out-dork themselves. Remind me: they’re supposed to be the popular kids, right?
First bowling team meeting: the captain, Justin, is hot. Long blond hair, a silver Porsche, and a face like a god. I’m so sure. Liz feels all squirmy inside every time Justin looks at her, so Todd punches him. Except not that last part. Admit it, though: you wouldn’t be a bit surprised, would you. She really does seem to have a weird little crush on the 100% realistically hot high school bowling champ, though.
Todd pouts to Liz about how the absurdly hot bowler pays her more attention than anyone else. Liz tells Todd she loves him, which means she’ll probably be cheating by the end of the book. Also, apparently during that day’s practice Todd bounced his bowling ball across two lanes. How hard is it to roll a ball down the lane in front of you? Is Todd mentally challenged or something?
Why do I ask these questions when I already know the answers?
The farcically hot bowler tells Liz that he wishes he’d met her before Todd did, and Liz is still like, “It’s so nice that he’s interested in my bowling progress!” Loser.
The ludicrously hot bowler calls from the bowling alley payphone to ask Liz out. She can hear pins being knocked down in the background. Klassy. He’s like, “I know you’re Todd’s girlfriend, but I thought it was worth a shot.” Liz turns him down, but she doesn’t mention it to Todd because she’s secretly pretty flattered. Justin picks up on that, I’m sure, because he’s even more attentive to her the next day. When Todd makes a bitchy comment in front of Enid about, “Liz is going to leave me for our bowling coach,” though, Liz snaps out of it enough that she knows she has to end the situation.
So, she goes to the next practice early. The preposterously hot bowler is like, “You’re here alone! I hope this means you’ve broken up with Todd and want to make out with me! We could talk and bowl all night long!” She’s like, “No, I came to tell you it’s never happening.” Justin’s all, “But you’re so beautiful!” Liz is all, “No, seriously, back off,” and he creeps, “I respect your loyalty. I just wish it was directed at me.” Todd picks that moment to walk up and punch him. No, actually Todd walks right up behind him and startles the kid half to death by saying, “I hope I’m interrupting you.” Hee. He fully knows the score. That’s actually kind of an awesome Todd moment.
Liz decides she has to confess to Todd that the ridiculously hot bowler asked her out, but before she gets a chance, they run into Justin again. He pervs all over Liz, and then wanders away. Todd is like, “I don’t want you to think I’m the jealous, possessive type, but I’m not stupid and that guy is trying to steal my girlfriend. I trust you, though.” HA! Every single part of that speech is wrong, except for the girlfriend stealing. Liz is like, “Uh…yeah. That’s a good move.” She doesn’t confess after all, because she likes Justin’s attention at practice. That night, Justin lusts after her some more, pushing Todd ever closer to his breaking point. I hope it comes soon, and involves punching.
Enid and Liz are shopping, and Enid freaks out because a hot blond guy is following them. She’s sure it’s culty Adam. Liz keeps looking around, but she doesn’t see anyone. At the Dairi Burger, Enid suddenly gasps, “He just came in! He has something behind his back; it could be a gun!” Cowardly Liz hides under the table - HA! - and imagine her surprise when the guy walks up to her and it’s not Adam at all. It’s the laughably hot bowler. He has flowers for her, and is like, “I followed you here from downtown. I’m sorry if I offended you. Please don’t quit the bowling team.” Liz is charmed, for some reason. Enid feels like an idiot.
Liz agrees to meet Justin for brunch. Just as friends. Not a date. Which is why she wears her best silk blouse. But she doesn’t have fun: he spends the whole time talking about how athletic he is and how hot she is. She’s bored. Also, she realizes that Justin’s thinking of this as a date. Well, duh, Elizabeth! Jeez. She sees one of the GFs panhandling, and runs the other way. Justin’s all, “What’s wrong?” and Liz realizes that it would take her forever to explain. She really wants Todd to be there with her. Took her long enough.
After the whole thing with the Good Friends is resolved, Liz realizes how much she depends on Todd and cuts things off with Justin once and for all. Todd apologizes for taking Liz for granted, though I didn’t see him doing that at all in this book. Whatever. Another storyline where nobody got punched. Bummer.
Remember how Cara’s going to London? Steve’s unhappy about it. To be continued in #83: Steven’s Bride. Great title.
And, as a bonus, there’s a reader essay on the back cover! This girl loves Sweet Valley books because: “They actually helped me to know what to expect for junior high before I got there. The books are so realistic. They also help me understand other people’s morals.” Morals, you guys! And realism! In her conclusion, she vows that she will treat her Sweet Valley books as treasured family heirlooms, and pass them on to her own daughter one day. I wonder where this girl is now, and if her skin crawls with embarrassment when she remembers this essay, which was published with her full name and picture. Rough luck, kid.