none of this feels real right now. i smell like smoke, i have to pee and there is whiskey burning in my stomach a little reminding me of the night that i was drunk and hated it so much and how i laugh because i used to think i was cool because i could drink more than anyone else but i don't remember alcohol tasting so bad and now it just tastes ( Read more... )

he keeps humming in his weed- and jagerbomb-induced sleep behind me and i look over and he's beautiful, my little drunk motormouth junkie with the dusklashes and those whiskey-golden eyes...i'm trying to contain the need to prod him awake and undress him and stretch out against my rough sheets and whisper to him to cover me over again and sink into ( Read more... )

sometimes i feel cheated by the whole no-time-alone-unless-we're-smoking situation ( Read more... )

Writing in here is becoming strangely difficult. My life is shifting and changing, there are feelings beyond comprehension and so many things I need to sort out, but I have nothing to say.

i wanted to write about last night but i'm so sleepy and so much of it was something that i can only relive in my head that it seems like that won't happen anytime soon. my neck is swollen and rather bruised on one side, and every time i look at my floor and spy troy's briefs i start to giggle and point them out to mary and she giggles and it's so ( Read more... )

it's the first time in a while that i've wanted to press my hands into someone's skin and siphon away enough of their hurt to leave only what could help them grow.
it's not the first time in a while that i've had to face the knowledge that i can't.

white knight black tie.

Somebody asked me just now why I'm in a relationship with all of them ( Read more... )

i'm sure a thousand million people have been struck by that same line in this song, struck hard so that they were reduced to a single taut and quivering string, a thousand million taut quivering strings all vibrating hesitantly, unwillingly, and every one of them singing the same goddamned note: the need to not be invisible, to not go overlooked, ( Read more... )

i don't remember if i ever said i wasn't scared of anything but if i did i was lying
i am terrified beyond reason of losing anyone's love.
i am terrified of that
i'm so scared of it that i can't breathe sometimes and right now i am sitting at my desk attempting to finish my food and crying and sucking down sprite a nd thinking over and over of how ( Read more... )

sometimes I hate being here. i hate having to see and hear hayden getting hit because he isn't potty trained because my family seems to be a part of this long line of people who don't realize that not everybody can be potty trained at two years old and that hitting a child is not going to make him understand that when he has to use the bathroom he ( Read more... )