i believe solely
sometimes i feel cheated by the whole no-time-alone-unless-we're-smoking situation.
okay, no. i always feel cheated by it; i just don't always really think about it, because often being with him chases any other sort of thought and feeling from my mind. i want to touch his skin and feel his lips move and his body move and watch him smoke and speak and laugh and sleep and exist, really, and yet a lot of the time the feeling is so incredibly distant from me, as if i am only remembering a feeling or if i'm simply recalling how someone else felt. it doesn't feel as if i'm the one feeling these things and in a way i feel safer like that because it can't get too big for me to hold inside, can't fold and shape my arms and fingers around the form of his frame and dig in deep enough to tell him how badly i don't want to let go.
even last night was dimmer than i would have liked, because since she is doing everything except what she planned to do (leave for thibodaux to fetch jess' things) which means i haven't got much time alone with him, i had to lose my virginity to him with her in the same bed. and while it was funny to pause mid-stroke/gasp to tell her to change the song playing on my laptop or to light troy's cigarette for him or turn on the AC or hand me my cell phone so i could try to call someone and tell them what was happening (i am strange), and it was sometimes nice to look over and see her, i would very much have preferred not to have had an audience while somebody was there watching and knowing that it was a person that i was already having difficulty sharing my time with him with. it really irritates me that every time i have a special moment with him, it's while she is there. i don't have "oh, guess what we did while you weren't there" stories with him like she does. they have stories of the entire trip down here, the time they spent at his great-grandmother's, her meeting his family, etc. and i just have...smoking breaks and the times she goes to the bathroom or is bringing the car around.
this is obviously just an ongoing issue, not something new at all. now though, added onto that is trying even harder not to show what it feels like to constantly have her around with him because i have to make sure i don't turn into clingy Sex Partner From Hell like every other virgin in the world (or you know, a lot of them). i joke about how much my hips and thighs and sides are sore and how my neck is bruised and how tired my legs are and how my cunt hurts because those are tangible funny things. i don't talk about how it felt to be crushed beneath his body, to look up and be shocked all over again at how beautiful he is and the realization that all of that beauty and strength and...all of him was there, inside me, against me, over me. i do not talk about the way it feels when he calls me baby. i don't talk about how i almost...need to feel him inside me again even though it hurt so much i almost thought i wouldn't be able to take it much longer, or how much i wanted him to lay on top of me forever. i wanted him to stay there and bury his head in my neck and sleep on top of me and wake up with the sound of his strange tiny whistle-breathing in my ear. just for one night.
but no. i fell asleep not too long after he fucked me and i woke up about three hours later from a black dreamless sleep to find the two idiots screaming with laughter over fucking pokemon. i wanted to kill them both. they ruined everything with their stupid mutual pokefucktardation. i felt so left out and so tired and so lonely. i just got up and got into the other bed and ignored both of them and listened to my moonlight glass playlist to drown out the sound of their laughter and their kisses and their common interest that i don't share (is there something wrong with me that i seem to hate everything that everyone i know likes? is it completely impossible that i could share someone else's serious interest instead of just some of their vaguer ones, or vice versa? how come i'm not obsessed with pokemon or anime or naruto or bleach or big-breasted anime girls or lady gaga?). i just tried to fall asleep again and it was difficult to. i wound up simply staring blindly at the wall because i was so tired, curled up tight on my side against the soreness.
i don't know how to go about this...part of me wants to let go and let my body shiver the way it does when he kisses me or calls me baby, but if i do that then the seething anger that surges through me and twists my stomach until i want to throw up would come each time that i have to watch her irritatingly disgustingly cutesy attitude manifest itself, the innocent little lamb act that makes me want to commit murder.
and if i don't do that then i know i'll grow more and more withdrawn and pull myself in tighter and tighter until there seems to be no feeling from me but anger at all. he's already said that it bothers him that i never tell him how i feel, that the only things i say to him seem to be insults, that i'm more withdrawn than anyone he's ever met.
either way i run the risk of losing him. over her.
this is a precarious bit of wire to walk. do i have the coordination?
okay, no. i always feel cheated by it; i just don't always really think about it, because often being with him chases any other sort of thought and feeling from my mind. i want to touch his skin and feel his lips move and his body move and watch him smoke and speak and laugh and sleep and exist, really, and yet a lot of the time the feeling is so incredibly distant from me, as if i am only remembering a feeling or if i'm simply recalling how someone else felt. it doesn't feel as if i'm the one feeling these things and in a way i feel safer like that because it can't get too big for me to hold inside, can't fold and shape my arms and fingers around the form of his frame and dig in deep enough to tell him how badly i don't want to let go.
even last night was dimmer than i would have liked, because since she is doing everything except what she planned to do (leave for thibodaux to fetch jess' things) which means i haven't got much time alone with him, i had to lose my virginity to him with her in the same bed. and while it was funny to pause mid-stroke/gasp to tell her to change the song playing on my laptop or to light troy's cigarette for him or turn on the AC or hand me my cell phone so i could try to call someone and tell them what was happening (i am strange), and it was sometimes nice to look over and see her, i would very much have preferred not to have had an audience while somebody was there watching and knowing that it was a person that i was already having difficulty sharing my time with him with. it really irritates me that every time i have a special moment with him, it's while she is there. i don't have "oh, guess what we did while you weren't there" stories with him like she does. they have stories of the entire trip down here, the time they spent at his great-grandmother's, her meeting his family, etc. and i just have...smoking breaks and the times she goes to the bathroom or is bringing the car around.
this is obviously just an ongoing issue, not something new at all. now though, added onto that is trying even harder not to show what it feels like to constantly have her around with him because i have to make sure i don't turn into clingy Sex Partner From Hell like every other virgin in the world (or you know, a lot of them). i joke about how much my hips and thighs and sides are sore and how my neck is bruised and how tired my legs are and how my cunt hurts because those are tangible funny things. i don't talk about how it felt to be crushed beneath his body, to look up and be shocked all over again at how beautiful he is and the realization that all of that beauty and strength and...all of him was there, inside me, against me, over me. i do not talk about the way it feels when he calls me baby. i don't talk about how i almost...need to feel him inside me again even though it hurt so much i almost thought i wouldn't be able to take it much longer, or how much i wanted him to lay on top of me forever. i wanted him to stay there and bury his head in my neck and sleep on top of me and wake up with the sound of his strange tiny whistle-breathing in my ear. just for one night.
but no. i fell asleep not too long after he fucked me and i woke up about three hours later from a black dreamless sleep to find the two idiots screaming with laughter over fucking pokemon. i wanted to kill them both. they ruined everything with their stupid mutual pokefucktardation. i felt so left out and so tired and so lonely. i just got up and got into the other bed and ignored both of them and listened to my moonlight glass playlist to drown out the sound of their laughter and their kisses and their common interest that i don't share (is there something wrong with me that i seem to hate everything that everyone i know likes? is it completely impossible that i could share someone else's serious interest instead of just some of their vaguer ones, or vice versa? how come i'm not obsessed with pokemon or anime or naruto or bleach or big-breasted anime girls or lady gaga?). i just tried to fall asleep again and it was difficult to. i wound up simply staring blindly at the wall because i was so tired, curled up tight on my side against the soreness.
i don't know how to go about this...part of me wants to let go and let my body shiver the way it does when he kisses me or calls me baby, but if i do that then the seething anger that surges through me and twists my stomach until i want to throw up would come each time that i have to watch her irritatingly disgustingly cutesy attitude manifest itself, the innocent little lamb act that makes me want to commit murder.
and if i don't do that then i know i'll grow more and more withdrawn and pull myself in tighter and tighter until there seems to be no feeling from me but anger at all. he's already said that it bothers him that i never tell him how i feel, that the only things i say to him seem to be insults, that i'm more withdrawn than anyone he's ever met.
either way i run the risk of losing him. over her.
this is a precarious bit of wire to walk. do i have the coordination?