separate the body from the mind
i don't remember if i ever said i wasn't scared of anything but if i did i was lying
i am terrified beyond reason of losing anyone's love.
i am terrified of that
i'm so scared of it that i can't breathe sometimes and right now i am sitting at my desk attempting to finish my food and crying and sucking down sprite a nd thinking over and over of how scared i am.
i think i know what made me think about it-- what started it
i got so happy when troy said he loved me because that's just...it's wonderful but then i made him irritated or something because i was being mean to mary again and i didn't think too much about it at the time because i was still moving so fast in my head but then i watched hayden start to cry because he was scared of his mom and that made me remember how i used to be so scared when my mom would come home sometimes, when she would ask me certain questions, that i would begin to cry before she even got the belt
and thinking about that i started to feel more and more scared and upset and the whole way here i was fighting not to cry and i felt shaky, like i'd break into pieces.
and i keep thinking of that, thinking of how it felt and how i ran from my mother and how i screamed so much and i keep remembering the day she chased me up onto my bed with the pocahontas sheets and i kept screaming for god and jesus and everybody else begging somebody ot make her stop and she said "oh, you want to call for jesus? you want to pray?" and she started hitting me harder, everywhere, the belt cracked so much so loud on my legs, my arms, my back , everywhere like fire on my skin and i was so scaredi t would not end. i was terrified it would not end and when it did, every time it ended i would curl up in my room hurting all over and my skin burning and everything so sore and when the bruises appeared i'd just stare
i remember the firsttime she bruised me more than i remember any other time because i was so incredibly at a loss for words or thoughts when i looked at my legs and i saw those big black shapes on my skin, the red welts that got me into so much trouble in school later and i remember my mom crying and telling me that becauseo f my big mouth they were going to take me away from her and god
there is so much
i'm so scared of everything being taken from me.
i have to be selfish, i have to control shit, i have to hold everything in my hands because if i don't it will disappear.
and i keep thikning all thesep eople telling me oh epi i love you i love youso much and it's fuckign terrifying because all i can think, all i can feel, all i can hear in my head is how long will it be until you stop loving me and when it happens how bad will it hurt and how can i protect myself?
and i'll never, probably never be able to let go of that. i have to take care of myself, i have ot make sure that i am never put into a situation where i could be left and have it hurt me as bad as it used to. never again. i won't ever let anybody close enough again to do that to me.
i can't.
knowing that i am incapable of keeping someone's love all i can do anymore is wonder what thing about me will finally drive them away, how long it will take, whether i will be surprised, and how long it will take to learn to ignore it.
at least i stopped crying now
i am terrified beyond reason of losing anyone's love.
i am terrified of that
i'm so scared of it that i can't breathe sometimes and right now i am sitting at my desk attempting to finish my food and crying and sucking down sprite a nd thinking over and over of how scared i am.
i think i know what made me think about it-- what started it
i got so happy when troy said he loved me because that's just...it's wonderful but then i made him irritated or something because i was being mean to mary again and i didn't think too much about it at the time because i was still moving so fast in my head but then i watched hayden start to cry because he was scared of his mom and that made me remember how i used to be so scared when my mom would come home sometimes, when she would ask me certain questions, that i would begin to cry before she even got the belt
and thinking about that i started to feel more and more scared and upset and the whole way here i was fighting not to cry and i felt shaky, like i'd break into pieces.
and i keep thinking of that, thinking of how it felt and how i ran from my mother and how i screamed so much and i keep remembering the day she chased me up onto my bed with the pocahontas sheets and i kept screaming for god and jesus and everybody else begging somebody ot make her stop and she said "oh, you want to call for jesus? you want to pray?" and she started hitting me harder, everywhere, the belt cracked so much so loud on my legs, my arms, my back , everywhere like fire on my skin and i was so scaredi t would not end. i was terrified it would not end and when it did, every time it ended i would curl up in my room hurting all over and my skin burning and everything so sore and when the bruises appeared i'd just stare
i remember the firsttime she bruised me more than i remember any other time because i was so incredibly at a loss for words or thoughts when i looked at my legs and i saw those big black shapes on my skin, the red welts that got me into so much trouble in school later and i remember my mom crying and telling me that becauseo f my big mouth they were going to take me away from her and god
there is so much
i'm so scared of everything being taken from me.
i have to be selfish, i have to control shit, i have to hold everything in my hands because if i don't it will disappear.
and i keep thikning all thesep eople telling me oh epi i love you i love youso much and it's fuckign terrifying because all i can think, all i can feel, all i can hear in my head is how long will it be until you stop loving me and when it happens how bad will it hurt and how can i protect myself?
and i'll never, probably never be able to let go of that. i have to take care of myself, i have ot make sure that i am never put into a situation where i could be left and have it hurt me as bad as it used to. never again. i won't ever let anybody close enough again to do that to me.
i can't.
knowing that i am incapable of keeping someone's love all i can do anymore is wonder what thing about me will finally drive them away, how long it will take, whether i will be surprised, and how long it will take to learn to ignore it.
at least i stopped crying now