not even god can hear us.
i was calm.
and then i took a bath...which normally calms me down, but now i am sitting in this chair struggling to read one of my favorite books, trying to ignore the way my heart is skipping beats, the way my stomach is twisting, the increasing volume of breath caught in my throat like the taste of blocked tears (but i am pretty sure i'm done crying for another X amount of time)..it feels now as if there is something i am running from and i can't tell, really, what it could be.
i wanted to hear troy's voice again. it's a nice voice, albeit strange and unsuited to his face with its smooth dips and angled pitches and the westward-leaning suffixes ("right?" "you know?" "like..." at the end instead of the beginning of the sentence) but for a few minutes i sat here watching my phone refuse to finish charging and then quite suddenly it was charged but as i stared at the three fat little blue blocks inside the battery symbol all i could think was that i should not go into that water tonight.
and it could mean that it will be days before we speak again, but that is a barb i can swallow.
i don't know if i'm pulling back because of what he told me and all the things it opened up inside me, or if it's something else. i don't know, and i don't particularly want to care. i just want to go to sleep but the silence scares me again and if i go i will cry, i know it already.
i really hope it's just being menstrual that's fucking with my head so badly.
this song, quite naturally, is not helping.
and then i took a bath...which normally calms me down, but now i am sitting in this chair struggling to read one of my favorite books, trying to ignore the way my heart is skipping beats, the way my stomach is twisting, the increasing volume of breath caught in my throat like the taste of blocked tears (but i am pretty sure i'm done crying for another X amount of time)..it feels now as if there is something i am running from and i can't tell, really, what it could be.
i wanted to hear troy's voice again. it's a nice voice, albeit strange and unsuited to his face with its smooth dips and angled pitches and the westward-leaning suffixes ("right?" "you know?" "like..." at the end instead of the beginning of the sentence) but for a few minutes i sat here watching my phone refuse to finish charging and then quite suddenly it was charged but as i stared at the three fat little blue blocks inside the battery symbol all i could think was that i should not go into that water tonight.
and it could mean that it will be days before we speak again, but that is a barb i can swallow.
i don't know if i'm pulling back because of what he told me and all the things it opened up inside me, or if it's something else. i don't know, and i don't particularly want to care. i just want to go to sleep but the silence scares me again and if i go i will cry, i know it already.
i really hope it's just being menstrual that's fucking with my head so badly.
this song, quite naturally, is not helping.