May I go back to telling you all about this small life, or has th Internet circus train left that station? I'm going around turning all th television sets off a minute before credits roll in an attempt to commit th world's first suicide by suspense. I cancelled my afternoon appointment so I could hallucinate to my cold medicine in private. I'm ( Read more... )

      My cousin and I couldn't stop doing or selling drugs. Th police would come over to my cousin's house and arrest us both; and as soon as th police were gone, my cousin and I would break out all of our drugs and start doing or selling them again. It was house arrest. It seemed as if every time our parole officers stopped by my cousin's house ( Read more... )

      The first trick is to stay alive for 40 years. Do not under any circumstance commit suicide; succumb to a terminal illness; drive an automobile by carelessness over a sheer cliff; or get murdered by a thief, disgruntled loner, enemy combatant, or jealous spouse. Begin making love to famous women when you turn 14. Fourteen years allows more ( Read more... )

44 Presidents | Order from GCpress.com

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mouth-to-mouth resuscitation woke me up. It was th wife. "Are you all right?" she said ( Read more... )

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one night, a rhythmic shaking awoke me. It was my main man Billy Ray in my bed doing it w/ a girl I once did it w/. What th? What did I ever do to them? W/o a good night's sleep, my fever would never go down. Billy Ray said, "Now I'm going to scoop you," and th girl said ( Read more... )

doc Manhattan's fatalistic brand of time travel makes my kneecaps vibrate. The world's only superhero sees everything that happens to him before it happens, but he's cool with it because, well, what happens happens. He can turn wine into water just by thinking about it, and he always already knows what you're about to say, but he can't stop you ( Read more... )