May I go back to telling you all about this small life, or has th Internet circus train left that station? I'm going around turning all th television sets off a minute before credits roll in an attempt to commit th world's first suicide by suspense. I cancelled my afternoon appointment so I could hallucinate to my cold medicine in private. I'm ( Read more... )

      My cousin and I couldn't stop doing or selling drugs. Th police would come over to my cousin's house and arrest us both; and as soon as th police were gone, my cousin and I would break out all of our drugs and start doing or selling them again. It was house arrest. It seemed as if every time our parole officers stopped by my cousin's house ( Read more... )

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      Thought experiment: suppose you support slave labour. You're th captain of a trireme. Below deck, 170 oarsmen row yr boat to war. Never mind -- Wikipedia says that, contrary to popular belief, triremes' crews were composed of free men. Suppose you're th pharaoh's niece walking in th shade of a palm frond held by a nervous Israelite girl ( Read more... )

one night, a rhythmic shaking awoke me. It was my main man Billy Ray in my bed doing it w/ a girl I once did it w/. What th? What did I ever do to them? W/o a good night's sleep, my fever would never go down. Billy Ray said, "Now I'm going to scoop you," and th girl said ( Read more... )

there's a little kid named 4 PoundZ who does rap who appears to operate out of his kid sister's bedroom somewhere in Chicago, whom th Youtube commentators love to crucify. "Those aren't my Barbies. They're my sister's," he rebuts, and even in 2009 -- 18 years after I signed up for my first e-mail address, innocently -- it is a moment of profound ( Read more... )

one of my tutoring jobs is a weekly two-hour session at a D.C. charter school assisting 10th-graders with reading comprehension. They lack all academic motivation, have little respect for me, and appear to be interested primarily in street-fighting, above even sports and fucking. I am certain that if allowed, my students would be happy to fill up ( Read more... )

kevin, bring me th mail bag; let's answer some mail. What's th matter? Cat got yr tongue? HOO HAA. Oh, I see. You're 77 years old in space alien time. Everything you've ever wanted to say to me, you've already said. Well, go on, den. What's another nap, when you've already taken 99 of them today? Ah'll do th mail by myself.

Q1: