So it is funny how this repeatedly return to the surface of one's mind at 3am. What I have to go do today, what I did the day before. In my case it is always reliving past sins, my own and those of others. Recently I continue to return to the lack of friends in my life. This is exasperated by facebook. I am truly believing that it is making ( Read more... )

So last night miss  was wake from 1 to 3 and I lost it. I lost my cool I lost my calm, I lost the filters on my mouth. I said that miss must be trying to kill me. That Tim was right and one kid is hard enough.  What I held be was just as bad . I feel frustrated and stupid for ever thinking I could be a parent let alone a good one. It has snowballed ( Read more... )

The hardest thing about actively taking part in therapy in waking up at 4am and taking apart something that happened years ago and understanding it from not only your side but theirs. I know that years later is not going to change what happens but experiencing those feelings not only from your perspective but theirs as well. I try to remind my self ( Read more... )

I am tired.  Last week someone asked me why I stopped being another's friend. I never did. They are the ones who stopped talking to me. I may have unfriended them on Facebook but that is never a sign of friendship to me. It is ones behavior. I was in love with someone who broke my heart and turned me away when I felt I needed a kind word. They told ( Read more... )

So I finally found the motivation took me an entire weekend but I emptied out and reorganized what was the computer room, a 5x8 walk-in closet. It's been a catch-all since miss was born. I have finally  organized it reboxed everything and sorted through all the crap.  I have put it to the point where I can actually use it as a sewing room. Now I ( Read more... )

Yet another couple of not great days. Miss is getting up at 1 am and not sleeping. Her weight is worringly low for her size.  She is fighting with us about what she eats. The depression is getting worse and does not show signs of getting better. My bad brain is convinced that I am expendable to them. I  can't wait to not be working these crazy ( Read more... )

Yeay another restless night

This has not been a fun week. I have been down and Mair has been stubborn. She has also been getting up before 4am.  I want to cry and curl up and let the world go by.I have been working on gifts and painting as well as cleaning. I mind has gone dark with my own in-adequateness. Wanting Mair to grow up with out me so she is normal and Unharmed by ( Read more... )

It is bad enough that I know my brain is out to ruin my life half the time. It gets worse when the world prove my dysfunctional brain right. Since I was a child I was told that people did not like me I was too strange. Yeah I know kids are cruel. But over time this became a voice in the back of my head, and thanks to others it has become stronger. ( Read more... )

This is the biggest problem I have. I am torn between being arrogant and self destructive.