4 am wake up call
The hardest thing about actively taking part in therapy in waking up at 4am and taking apart something that happened years ago and understanding it from not only your side but theirs. I know that years later is not going to change what happens but experiencing those feelings not only from your perspective but theirs as well. I try to remind my self that people have lives to live and friends move apart over time because of what the individual has in front of them. That does not stop my brain from punishing me because I was arrogant or snide or cruel at the wrong time to the wrong person. There are people who I wish life had not intervened. To some of these people I want to beg forgiveness. To others I want to demand an apology. The real work is forgiving my self because they can't. These people from your past may not know or care. They are focused on their own life and in reality while they may still have contact with you, you don't matter. Congratulations, you are not the center of any ones world. You can not undo what you have done. If these people are still in your life in any way talk to them. Explain what is going on. They might understand. If Not its okay that they don't. The process is to help you heal so that you can rewire your damaged brain.
This mornings round of remembering is no fun because the people I am thinking of I have no real way to contact. One has so much going on in his life I don't want to bother them.I mostly want to hug him and hope that hings get better for him. I want to tell him he was right I am a self centered twat.
Another is getting things to finally work for them I don't want to intrude. They have had so much happen in their life and I so much wanted to help but I botched things up. they out grew me and I am so glad that things are getting better for them. I miss hanging put with them but I am ashamed for how I treated them and I know that they are in a better spot and I dont want to mess it up.
The third if I try to reach out and apologize I re-enter the cycle of abuse that I am trying hard to end. I cared really deeply for them and i have to stick to my guns. WE walked away from each other and I was so hurt that I repeatedly hurt my self over it.
Yet another is no where near where I am in the grand scheme on things and would be taken in the wrong way. I want so much for things to be different but we are on different pathways
I know it is stupid to preach to talk to others an yet i am refusing to do just that. But I have to remind my self that I am not a big piece of these peoples lives. The best I can do is to reach out and touch them and if they touch back I can try to rebuild something so that I can eventually ask for their forgiveness. But no matter what I have to forgive my self.
This mornings round of remembering is no fun because the people I am thinking of I have no real way to contact. One has so much going on in his life I don't want to bother them.I mostly want to hug him and hope that hings get better for him. I want to tell him he was right I am a self centered twat.
Another is getting things to finally work for them I don't want to intrude. They have had so much happen in their life and I so much wanted to help but I botched things up. they out grew me and I am so glad that things are getting better for them. I miss hanging put with them but I am ashamed for how I treated them and I know that they are in a better spot and I dont want to mess it up.
The third if I try to reach out and apologize I re-enter the cycle of abuse that I am trying hard to end. I cared really deeply for them and i have to stick to my guns. WE walked away from each other and I was so hurt that I repeatedly hurt my self over it.
Yet another is no where near where I am in the grand scheme on things and would be taken in the wrong way. I want so much for things to be different but we are on different pathways
I know it is stupid to preach to talk to others an yet i am refusing to do just that. But I have to remind my self that I am not a big piece of these peoples lives. The best I can do is to reach out and touch them and if they touch back I can try to rebuild something so that I can eventually ask for their forgiveness. But no matter what I have to forgive my self.