3am again
So it is funny how this repeatedly return to the surface of one's mind at 3am. What I have to go do today, what I did the day before. In my case it is always reliving past sins, my own and those of others. Recently I continue to return to the lack of friends in my life. This is exasperated by facebook. I am truly believing that it is making humanity worse. This morning I am reminded of the fact that many of my friends became friends with each other. For the most part this is great until you have a falling out with one that results in you never speaking to them again. In this case my conservative view on prisons and repeat offenders post off people to the point that they called me a nazi sympathizer at the start of the argument. Any hoo that ended poorly. But they are still friends with other friends of mine. Now I will point out that this happened years ago. On Facebook yesterday one of my friends whom I have been missing posted a question and the ex-friends responded. Why does this bother me at 3 am? Mental puke. My therapist says that things are repeatedly return to our forethought because we have not properly delt with them. In this case I think it may be due to the voultile natural of the political climate. But the pain that the person who I want to still associate with as a friend is associating with someone who thinks so little of me hurts. But I have to point out that I have not been able to think of my self very highly either. I am brought back to the question of are they still friends. So many of the people who are on my list on Facebook I no longer have real contact with. I almost want to message them and day hey we were good friends once but life has tore us in two different directions and I feel like a stocker reading your posts, best of luck to you. And thusly unfriend them on Facebook. I realize that this would be misconstrued as a cry for attention verses what it is intended as, which is a simple but horrible way to ask if they are still friends. Really I hate feeling like I need validation from people who are not actively in my life. Honestly I don't like needing validation at all. I recently started asking my self where my confedence went and was told that it has been over written by experience. I wonder if I can get that confedence back.