In the wake of Toyota’s announcement that it is recalling many of its most popular models, here are some safety tips on how to respond if your accelerator pedal becomes stuck.

• Close your eyes, spin your steering wheel from side to side, pledge your undying soul to Satan if he’ll stop your car.
• Find an unfinished freeway onramp, jump off of it, ( Read more... )

 I haven't been posting these here because it makes me feel like a worthless self-promoting piece of shit, but I think today is the day where I start turning things around and thinking about the future.  So: here are some things I wrote for thor who probably has a lj username but i can't remember it right now and heavy.com (thanks for paying me, ( Read more... )

The publishing world is still reeling from the news that, due to declining ad revenues, Condé Nast, esteemed publisher of Wired, The New Yorker, and Vogue, will be shuttering several of its flagship magazines including Gourmet and Modern Bride.  Here are several other Condé Nast titles getting the axe:

·      Female Genital Mutilation Weekly

·  ( Read more... )

• It could get caught in something, like a paper shredder, or a printing press, or a bike chain.
• Could be a little too showy, not enough growy.
• Might be too big for sex with anyone but girls who have wished for giant vaginas, or whales.
• Maybe he just makes it “white guy” giant.
• Could interfere with competitive hula- ( Read more... )

Why does my hair keep falling out?  Why would it skip going gray and go straight to falling out?

What if my lab coat has a stain on it and I just can’t see it? Will people be able to tell this is the same lab coat I wore yesterday?

Is it going to rain?  What if it rains?  Do I have an umbrella in the car?

If I leave too late, am I gonna ( Read more... )

I had a job interview on Tuesday.  Well, not a job interview, but more of a pre-interview exam, to make sure I was worth the expense of interviewing.  The position was voice-writer, which is like a closed-captioner, except that instead of typing all of the words you hear on the screen, you speak them into a microphone with clearer ( Read more... )

Shit I want to post another The Office script I wrote but I only have it in pdf format because the hard drive with the original on it just died last week. Does anyone know where I can upload a ~1 megabyte pdf file for frizee?? And make it so that everyone can see it and laugh! Laugh the laugh of the innocent!?

EDIT! Google docs can do it, it just ( Read more... )

Behind the cut is a script I wrote and sent to the office of The Office in the hopes that they would hire me onto their dream team of writers but they never got back to me, probably because I sent it to someone who is dead now or simply doesn't give a shit, and definitely not because it sucks and they wanted nothing to do with me.

Spec Script for ( Read more... )

Your assignment - Write 1500 words on one of the following topics:

•    The pitfalls of American intervention in foreign democracies
•    The difficulties facing the American school system today
•    The advantages and disadvantages of purchasing locally-grown produce
( Read more... )

• A single anthill can grow to be as large as a Volkswagen filled with ants, if the anthill is built in a Volkswagen.
• Bees can smell not only fear, but guilt, shame, and disgust.  In early versions of the Fox series “Lie to Me,” Tim Roth’s character was slated to be a giant, talking bee.
• The Praying Mantis is the only insect that marries.  Female ( Read more... )