Tips on Stopping an Out of Control Car
In the wake of Toyota’s announcement that it is recalling many of its most popular models, here are some safety tips on how to respond if your accelerator pedal becomes stuck.
• Close your eyes, spin your steering wheel from side to side, pledge your undying soul to Satan if he’ll stop your car.
• Find an unfinished freeway onramp, jump off of it, dive out of the car, try to hit the ground while everything is still going in slo-mo.
• Call your wife/mother/children, sarcastically thank them for convincing you that the Toyota was the responsible choice.
• Find another car speeding out of control going in the opposite direction, crash into it head-on. (Find other out-of-control cars easier with the new iStop app, available in the iTunes app store)
• Steer yourself to an illegal street race, win it, convince yourself you’ve left that life behind only for it to catch up to you, race again, lose but learn that the most important thing is friendship and not going to jail, crash and die so your memory can inspire others.
• Marvel at how long you are able to careen out of control thanks to Toyota’s industry-leading gas mileage.
• Aim your car at a Toyota dealership, they have a special area designed to stop out-of-control cars, it’s the part of the lot full of Priuses.
• If it turns out the Priuses won’t stop you, try aiming at a mattress store or strip club instead.
• Think about how you should’ve bought something safer, like a motorcycle, or less lame, like a unicycle.