The Office Spec Script #1
Behind the cut is a script I wrote and sent to the office of The Office in the hopes that they would hire me onto their dream team of writers but they never got back to me, probably because I sent it to someone who is dead now or simply doesn't give a shit, and definitely not because it sucks and they wanted nothing to do with me.
Spec Script for The Office
“Only A SCHRUTE WOMAN CAN BEAR SCHRUTE CHILDREN”
BY DAVID GRIMES
2/12/09
DAVID GRIMES
713 825 1766
DAVIDMGRIMES@GMAIL.COM
ACT I
Int - day - the office
Dwight addresses the camera.
There are four traits which a woman must possess if she is to be considered as a suitable matron of the Schrute clan. First: Wide, child-bearing hips. We Schrutes are born very large, and often horizontally. Second: Thick ankles, to support her legs while she is with child and unfinished yard work. Third: A uterus with sufficient tensile strength to contain and bear a Schrute child, roughly equivalent to a sack of tanned leather. Schrute fetuses grow their fingernails very early in gestation. And finally, she must have no family history of albinism. According to Schrute family lore, and Scranton county police records, an albino woman put a curse on my great-great grandfather after he burgled and then burned down her house because he thought she was a witch. Obviously, he was right.
Pam & Jim address the camera.
So Dwight is back on the scene! Back on the prowl. Mothers lock up your daughters. Seriously, if you have any love in your heart for your daughter, do not let her out.
We had originally planned to lay off Dwight, after the whole Angela-Andy thing…
Old habits die hard. And Dwight looking online makes it even harder.
Dwight is at his desk, using his computer. Jim is sitting next to him. Dwight clicks his mouse with exaggerated emphasis.
Denied. Insufficient mammary.
He hadn’t even gotten a reply to his ad. He was just browsing women’s profiles and denying them.
Denied. Has clearly used braces to disguise uneven juvenile tooth growth.
So we set up an online profile that Dwight would find irresistible.
Hmm…former Future Farmer of America. Enjoys building trebuchets and reading zombie-apocalypse related literature. Dislikes bears, low-quality chainmail, and the Marshall Plan.
We used a picture of my friend Jen from New York. She’s really pretty.
Eugh, looks like mommy was a fan of the sauce. And painkillers. Still, best to let the fish have a nibble.
I think we’re actually doing him a favor, letting him work his way through some things before he starts dealing with real women.
Dear humanoid female, I am prepared to consider your uterus as a potential growth site for my progeny. In order to further this process, please send to me a current resume, a complete and detailed criminal record, a photo of you with today’s newspaper, a specimen of blood or urine, and a copy of your current credit report.
Scavenger Hunt!
opening title
int - day - the office
Michael is sitting in his office, videoconferencing with Holly.
Helloooo!
Hellooooo!
Helllllooooooooooo.
Oh, why helllloooooooooo.
Ahh, hellllllloooooooooooo
That’s enough, Michael.
That’s enough Michael? Or that’s enough Hellllloooooooooo-
That. That one. The second one.
Okay.
beat
Michael addresses the camera from his desk.
The milady friend and I have worked out a way to communicate, despite the vast golf of land and time and space between us. We are using the Internet to stay in touch. I just plug in a little camera, and I click on her name right here, and it makes a ring ring ring, and she is there, and we are able to talk with and look at one another. And we have been doing this for about 6 hours a day, for the last four days.
Michael is talking to his computer.
That’s a nice…hair. That you have. I would like to smell it.
Well, thank you Michael. I wish you could smell it too.
I miss smelling your hair. It smells like almonds and peppermint.
That’s very sweet, Michael. I think it’s my shampoo.
Do you… miss the way that my hair smells?
It’s not…the thing I miss the most about you.
Michael addressing the camera.
I do not believe in shampoo. I believe in Axe bodyspray. If Axe were to make a body spray for hair, some kind of hair body-spray, then I might believe in that. But you break down shampoo into its component parts, and you see it’s part sham, which is, of course, a lie, and part poo, which is worse than a lie. It is poo. So shampoo is, essentially, lie poo.
Michael continues to speak with Holly via computer.
So, what’s going on with you? You doing some work?
Well, I was about to do some work. I just got here. I probably have some work I could be doing.
Let’s do work together!
I don’t know if we can do that. Because we have different jobs.
Let’s read emails. I love emails. My computer tells me how many emails I have, and they are like points, and whoever has the most points wins. How many emails do you have?
Uh, new? Or ever?
Ever.
I don’t know. I don’t know how to check that.
I win! I have 19,048. How about new?
Uh, I have…six new emails.
I only have four. But! One of them has a paperclip thingy. So it counts double. So that’s a tie.
Oh, a paperclip thingy. What is it?
It says… “Annabelle, best screensaver for you.” And there is a file to download. I… will… download that!
Michael addresses the camera.
I love screensavers. They are my weakness. Back so many years ago, there was a screensaver, and it was of a cat, and the cat would chase a pink ball of yarn around the screen. And I would not work, I would make sure I did not touch my computer, for 15 minutes, just so that the cat could show up, and chase his ball of yarn around. And then I got bored with that, and I went looking for a new screensaver. And I found one of some fish. It made my screen look like an aquarium, and there were fish swimming around inside of it. And I loved it so much that I bought an actual aquarium, and I filled it with fish. But what I didn’t know was that you have to feed real fish. Because you did not have to feed them in the screensaver. So those fish died. And I could not just jiggle the tank and wait 15 minutes for a new batch of fish to show up. So, ever since then, I have been looking for a more realistic screensaver. One that more accurately portrays the world of fish ownership, or cat ownership, or toaster ownership, than any screensaver before. You might call it my…quest. My Holy Grail. Maybe there’s a screensaver that is about finding the Holy Grail. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Hahaha. (thinking) I should make that. I should make that screensaver.
Oh be careful Michael, it could be a virus.
Well even if it is a virus, it is intended for Annabelle, so I don’t think I have to worry. It is Annabelle who should be worried. And I think I know how to spot a virus, ok? I’ve been downloading screensavers for a long time, and I can tell a good one from a bad one. And this one looks good. This one looks like it might be the best.
Michael is examining his new screensaver.
Well this screensaver is just awful.
Sadiq comes running into the office.
Hey, everybody? I need everybody to shut down their computers. There’s a worm on the network and it is trying to infect everyone’s machine. So please just turn off your computers as soon as you can.
Let me finish checking out my new screensaver…
There’s no time man! Everybody take action!
Dwight yanks the power cord from his computer and then Jim’s before running into Michael’s office and yanking out his cord.
Oh come on, I think there was gonna be a naked lady behind that waterfall!
Data security is paramount, Michael. If that virus had successfully penetrated our network, all of our data could be extracted and sold for profit on the black market.
What do you mean?
Within one hour, every single file you have on your computer would be for sale on a DVD on a table in Kandahar next to a homemade Kalashnikov and a bundle of Soviet-era RPG’s.
Even…my videos?
Client information, classified blueprints, your private videos. Everything, Michael.
Michael addresses the camera.
I made some videos, when I first got the video camera, of me trying out one of my comedic personas. To see how it would look on screen. And, look - there is artistic merit in those videos. The artisanship is… beyond reproach. You cannot question that. But I was told, by my improv coach, that if an Arabic person ever saw that character, they would BLOW YOU UP, EENFIHDELL! He didn’t say it like that. That was me in character, as the Naughty Saudi. He said they would be very, deeply, profoundly offended. Those videos…they should not be sold in Afghanistan. That would be very bad. That would be very bad for me.
We have to do something, Dwight. We can’t let them get those videos. If they get those videos…they’ve already won.
END ACT I
ACT II
int - day - the office
Jim enters the office and drops off a paper sack at the receptionist’s desk. He nods conspiratorially at Pam.
I got that… lunch… you wanted.
Oh thank you. Is it…the pork?
Why yes, it is.
Jim addresses the camera.
I bought a jar of pig blood at the butcher shop. I realized that this had a lot of potential to be creepy and weird, like in the movie Carrie, but I’ve rationalized it by deciding that if Dwight somehow ends up with this pig blood poured across his entire face and body, that will be entirely of his own doing. And I believe we previously established that I was the only one in the office with telekinetic powers.
Pam addresses the camera.
So Jim got the blood, my friend Jen agreed to send me a picture of her with a newspaper, and I am mocking up the credit report. So far our girl has received - and been consistent in her payment for - loans for her car, a black 1984 Camaro like the one in Knight Rider; a collection of ceremonial Nazi flame pistols through eBay’s finance program; and an Encyclopedia Brown book of the month delivery. I thought about letting her have a couch too, but then I thought Dwight would be upset that she didn’t just build her own.
Int - Day - The Office
Sadiq enters and the main office and tries to get everyone’s attention.
Hey, if I can just get everyone’s attention for a moment…
He waits for everyone’s attention.
So we’ve managed to contain and isolate the virus…
He looks to Michael, who is smugly unaware that his computer was the cause.
But corporate decided that in order to prevent any future disruptions in connectivity, we would be implementing a content filter to all people connecting through our network.
Excuse me, Hajji, but Johnny Quest, (looks at camera to indicate he is referring to himself,) has no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m Race Bannon.
No, Jim is Race Bannon. You are…the dog.
The dog was the real hero.
Okay, look. Corporate, not me, analyzed the network traffic, and over 98% of it was non-business related. So I’ve been instructed to install a program that will block your access to certain websites so that corporate doesn’t feel that you’re wasting money and time doing things that are non-work-related.
Everyone begins shouting protests.
You can’t do this! Some of us depend on the internet for our livelihood!
Creed addresses the camera.
I run a very successful internet business. I steal movies off of the internet, I burn them to disc, and I sell those discs from the trunk of my car. Right now I have Gran Torino, Hotel for Dogs, and My Bloody Valentine 3D. The 3D doesn’t work.
Ext - Day - The Parking lot
Darryl is talking to Creed by Creed’s car, whose trunk is open, revealing milk crates full of CD’s.
…does the 3D work on that?
Of course.
Ok, let me get that and Hotel for Dogs.
Int - day - the office
Michael is in his office. His monitor is on his desk, but the video cable is clearly seen to be sitting on the floor. There is an empty space where there was clearly once a computer.
I cannot talk to Holly. I cannot use the internet. I cannot even wait for my screensaver to turn on. I think…that I…am going to read a magazine.
He buzzes Pam.
Pamela-mammela?
Yes, Michael?
Pamela-mammela would you be a doll and tell me what magazines we have available in the waiting area?
Um, sure, Michael.
Pam stands and walks the 5 feet to the area next to the couch. She grabs the stack of magazines off of the table, and walks to Michael’s office.
Okay, we have an issue of Newsweek from May wondering whether Barack Obama will be able to beat Hillary Clinton in the primary…
Eugh, boring.
We have a book of crossword puzzles, all of them maybe one-third solved with the solution page dog-eared…
Is that the one with all the words about books and old actresses?
…Yes. It’s that one.
Gross. Okay. What else?
An issue of National Geographic about pirates in Indonesia.
National Geographic! Pictures! Animals! I will read that.
Okay, here you go.
Int - day - Michael’s Office
Michael is reading his National Geographic.
I should be doing this. I should be out going on adventures, and hunting pirates, and giant squids, and… regular squids.
Oscar enters.
Michael, we have a problem.
Oscar the grouch! Always having problems! How are Bert and Ernie? (Grins at camera)
Michael, the Dunder Mifflin website is blocked. We can’t access our own website. You need to get it unblocked.
I will get on it immediately!
Michael throws the magazine down with gusto.
Onward…to adventure!
Michael and Oscar walk toward Sadiq’s office. As the camera follows them it pauses briefly on Ryan, who looks guiltily at the camera.
Int - office - day
Ryan addresses the camera.
It’s called Search Engine Optimization. You plug words into the web page code to make it more likely that your web page will show up when someone does a search on Google. So if you search paper, you want the Dunder Mifflin website to come up. Now, what you can also do is make it so that related words bring up the Dunder Mifflin website. Words that get a lot of searches. So…Bond paper becomes bondage paper. Paper is bundled in reamings. Rolls of paper are sold by the foot worship, and so on. We haven’t sold any more paper because of it, but Kelly does get a lot of crazy emails, so it’s not a total wash.
int - day - kelly’s office
Kelly is at her computer, typing and reading what she types out loud.
Oh my god, you are not R. Kelly, and I am not R. Kelly’s niece. You are a creepy loser and you need to get a life. Send.
Int - day - Server Room
Michael enters Sadiq’s office, the server room. Oscar is behind him.
Emergency! We have an emergency! Our thing isn’t working!
You’re going to have to be more specific.
Our website…thing! I don’t know. You still have my computer.
Yes, I do.
We can’t access the Dunder Mifflin website. It says it’s been filtered for inappropriate content.
Let me see…well, sure enough. It looks like we’re on a blacklist of sexually-oriented websites. Any workplace with internet filtering software would be unable to access our website, it looks like. I should probably call corporate about it.
Yes, action! Success! Michael Scott is a hero! Have at thee, brigand!
Michael grabs a nearby keyboard and wields it at Sadiq as though it were a saber. The cord swings around and clips Sadiq in the head. Michael attempts to grin his way out of the situation, but both Sadiq and Oscar are clearly appalled.
I’m just going to…walk the plank…over here.
Michael exits. Both Oscar and Sadiq stare daggers at the camera.
END ACT II
act iii
int - the office - day
Dwight enters the office, walking past Pam’s desk. Pam looks up and stops him.
Oh, hey Dwight, you got a note about a package from the mailman. I think you have to go to the post office to pick it up.
Argh, why didn’t you give this to me before I went to the post office?
He just came by and dropped it off…
Sometimes I think you conspire to make my life difficult, Pam.
Pam stares blankly at the camera. Dwight grabs the note from her and walks back out.
Pam addresses the camera.
We did it, we put together and mailed our package, and Dwight is going to go pick it up now. I think they wouldn’t deliver it here because of the blood, but I think there’s also a real possibility that they just refuse to deliver packages addressed to Dwight anymore since he ordered all that napalm.
Dwight addresses the camera.
Someone had been smoking in the lady’s bathroom and throwing their cigarette butts in the toilet in flagrant defiance of the city’s workplace smoking ordinance. I ordered a batch of napalm and flushed it down the toilet, where it coated the pipes. The next time someone threw a cigarette in the toilet, their guilt would be readily evident.
Meredith addresses the camera.
I used to like to smoke a cigarette when I went number two. I don’t do that anymore.
Int - day - michael’s office
Michael sits at his desk and pulls his laptop, a particularly fruity looking Sony VAIO, out of a bag. He puts it on his desk. As he talks, he is connecting wires to the laptop.
I am not going to let…my computer’s servicing…keep me from continuing in my quest for the ultimate screensaver. I am going to continue on my journey…
Sadiq enters the room, walking quickly and firmly. He pulls the blue Ethernet cable from Michael’s computer.
No. No. Bad. No. That is not ok. No.
He pulls the Ethernet cable harder, pulling it from the jack with such force that it breaks the jack. He leaves Michael’s office with the cable. Michael grins at the camera.
Int - day - Post Office
Dwight enters the post office and waits in line. In front of him is a girl, MANDY, a little younger than him, pretty but awkward. She comes across as vulnerable, almost calculated to invoke Dwight’s protective instincts. Dwight regards her coolly. She turns back, sees him, looks forward, and then turns back again to face him.
You were in here earlier, weren’t you?
I may have been. What business is it of yours?
You’re standing behind me in line. What if you’re a crazy guy who’s gonna stab me and take my package as soon as I leave?
That is a remarkably astute concern. But I am not interested in your package. I am only here to pick up my own package.
Oh how fun! What are you getting?
I once again fail to see how that is your concern.
It could be a bomb! Or poisons. I have every right to be concerned. There are lots of crazy people in the post office.
Very well. If you must know I am picking up a collection of personal data and fluids from a potential suitor.
Oh. That’s exciting. Do you think she’s the one?
The one what?
The one with whom you will achieve everlasting love and companionship.
She seems…competent.
Oh.
beat
The mailman won’t deliver things to my house anymore because we got in a fight once because he wasn’t delivering things to my house.
Postal workers are idiots.
Mandy and Dwight lock eyes in a moment of mutual understanding. There is plainly a real connection between the two.
What’s in your package?
I don’t know. Either some viruses or a Battlestar Galactica box set.
Dwight seems to tense up, as he recognizes the potential significance of the woman standing before him.
I know who the last Cylon is.
Don’t tell me don’t tell me don’t tell me!
Int - day - michael’s office
Michael is clicking on his laptop.
I did it. I did it! Someone come here! I did it! I did it!
All of the office that is within earshot, except for Stanley, comes running into Michael’s office.
What is it Michael?
I got the internet back! I mean the real internet, not the fake internet.
What are you talking about Michael?
Look…
Michael turns his computer around to reveal that he is on a website for sexy screensavers.
How did you do that?
I don’t know, it just said it was connected to the Vancefridge. It’s not even connected to any wires! It must have…mutated…its own connection…to the internet.
No Michael, you’re just connected to Bob Vance’s wireless network. He must not have it secured.
Oh, Oscar. Poor, sad Oscar. Can’t understand. Can’t understand…what life is.
Michael addresses the camera.
In Jurassic Park, they had a rule. And that rule was no man-dinosaurs allowed. You could only have lady dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. But…but! Something happened. Life found a way. And one of those lady dinosaurs grew a penis. And they made dinosaur babies. And then those dinosaurs broke free and tried to kill everyone on the island. And that’s what happened here. They tried to tell us NO INTERNET. YOU CANNOT HAVE THE INTERNET.
As Michael talks, we see a shot of the office where everyone has a laptop on their desk next to their work computers. Most of them are using their laptops.
But life…life found a way. It found a way for us to get the internet. It found a way for us to survive. Because that’s what life does.
The camera then cuts to Dwight helping Mandy put her package in his car, as well as her bike.
Life finds a way. Every time.
Sadiq is addressing the camera.
If they want to use Bob Vance’s network to get on the internet from their laptops, that’s fine. That’s not on me. As long as they keep that crap off of my network, they can do whatever they want to do.
END ACT III
Roll credits
Spec Script for The Office
“Only A SCHRUTE WOMAN CAN BEAR SCHRUTE CHILDREN”
BY DAVID GRIMES
2/12/09
DAVID GRIMES
713 825 1766
DAVIDMGRIMES@GMAIL.COM
ACT I
Int - day - the office
Dwight addresses the camera.
Dwight
There are four traits which a woman must possess if she is to be considered as a suitable matron of the Schrute clan. First: Wide, child-bearing hips. We Schrutes are born very large, and often horizontally. Second: Thick ankles, to support her legs while she is with child and unfinished yard work. Third: A uterus with sufficient tensile strength to contain and bear a Schrute child, roughly equivalent to a sack of tanned leather. Schrute fetuses grow their fingernails very early in gestation. And finally, she must have no family history of albinism. According to Schrute family lore, and Scranton county police records, an albino woman put a curse on my great-great grandfather after he burgled and then burned down her house because he thought she was a witch. Obviously, he was right.
Cut to:
Pam & Jim address the camera.
Jim
So Dwight is back on the scene! Back on the prowl. Mothers lock up your daughters. Seriously, if you have any love in your heart for your daughter, do not let her out.
Pam
We had originally planned to lay off Dwight, after the whole Angela-Andy thing…
Jim
Old habits die hard. And Dwight looking online makes it even harder.
Cut to:
Dwight is at his desk, using his computer. Jim is sitting next to him. Dwight clicks his mouse with exaggerated emphasis.
Dwight
Denied. Insufficient mammary.
Cut to:
Pam
He hadn’t even gotten a reply to his ad. He was just browsing women’s profiles and denying them.
Cut to:
Dwight
Denied. Has clearly used braces to disguise uneven juvenile tooth growth.
Cut to:
Jim
So we set up an online profile that Dwight would find irresistible.
Cut to:
Dwight
Hmm…former Future Farmer of America. Enjoys building trebuchets and reading zombie-apocalypse related literature. Dislikes bears, low-quality chainmail, and the Marshall Plan.
Cut to:
Pam
We used a picture of my friend Jen from New York. She’s really pretty.
Cut to:
Dwight
Eugh, looks like mommy was a fan of the sauce. And painkillers. Still, best to let the fish have a nibble.
Cut to:
Pam
I think we’re actually doing him a favor, letting him work his way through some things before he starts dealing with real women.
Cut to:
Pam & jim
(Reading from screen)
Dear humanoid female, I am prepared to consider your uterus as a potential growth site for my progeny. In order to further this process, please send to me a current resume, a complete and detailed criminal record, a photo of you with today’s newspaper, a specimen of blood or urine, and a copy of your current credit report.
Cut to:
Pam
Scavenger Hunt!
opening title
int - day - the office
Michael is sitting in his office, videoconferencing with Holly.
michael
Helloooo!
Holly
Hellooooo!
michael
Helllllooooooooooo.
Holly
Oh, why helllloooooooooo.
Michael
Ahh, hellllllloooooooooooo
Holly
That’s enough, Michael.
Michael
That’s enough Michael? Or that’s enough Hellllloooooooooo-
Holly
That. That one. The second one.
Michael
Okay.
beat
Cut to:
Michael addresses the camera from his desk.
Michael
The milady friend and I have worked out a way to communicate, despite the vast golf of land and time and space between us. We are using the Internet to stay in touch. I just plug in a little camera, and I click on her name right here, and it makes a ring ring ring, and she is there, and we are able to talk with and look at one another. And we have been doing this for about 6 hours a day, for the last four days.
Cut to:
Michael is talking to his computer.
Michael
That’s a nice…hair. That you have. I would like to smell it.
Holly
Well, thank you Michael. I wish you could smell it too.
Michael
I miss smelling your hair. It smells like almonds and peppermint.
Holly
That’s very sweet, Michael. I think it’s my shampoo.
michael
Do you… miss the way that my hair smells?
Holly
It’s not…the thing I miss the most about you.
Cut to:
Michael addressing the camera.
Michael
I do not believe in shampoo. I believe in Axe bodyspray. If Axe were to make a body spray for hair, some kind of hair body-spray, then I might believe in that. But you break down shampoo into its component parts, and you see it’s part sham, which is, of course, a lie, and part poo, which is worse than a lie. It is poo. So shampoo is, essentially, lie poo.
Cut to:
Michael continues to speak with Holly via computer.
Michael
So, what’s going on with you? You doing some work?
Holly
Well, I was about to do some work. I just got here. I probably have some work I could be doing.
Michael
Let’s do work together!
Holly
I don’t know if we can do that. Because we have different jobs.
Michael
Let’s read emails. I love emails. My computer tells me how many emails I have, and they are like points, and whoever has the most points wins. How many emails do you have?
Holly
Uh, new? Or ever?
Michael
Ever.
Holly
I don’t know. I don’t know how to check that.
Michael
I win! I have 19,048. How about new?
Holly
Uh, I have…six new emails.
Michael
I only have four. But! One of them has a paperclip thingy. So it counts double. So that’s a tie.
Holly
Oh, a paperclip thingy. What is it?
michael
It says… “Annabelle, best screensaver for you.” And there is a file to download. I… will… download that!
Cut to:
Michael addresses the camera.
Michael
I love screensavers. They are my weakness. Back so many years ago, there was a screensaver, and it was of a cat, and the cat would chase a pink ball of yarn around the screen. And I would not work, I would make sure I did not touch my computer, for 15 minutes, just so that the cat could show up, and chase his ball of yarn around. And then I got bored with that, and I went looking for a new screensaver. And I found one of some fish. It made my screen look like an aquarium, and there were fish swimming around inside of it. And I loved it so much that I bought an actual aquarium, and I filled it with fish. But what I didn’t know was that you have to feed real fish. Because you did not have to feed them in the screensaver. So those fish died. And I could not just jiggle the tank and wait 15 minutes for a new batch of fish to show up. So, ever since then, I have been looking for a more realistic screensaver. One that more accurately portrays the world of fish ownership, or cat ownership, or toaster ownership, than any screensaver before. You might call it my…quest. My Holy Grail. Maybe there’s a screensaver that is about finding the Holy Grail. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Hahaha. (thinking) I should make that. I should make that screensaver.
Cut to:
Holly
Oh be careful Michael, it could be a virus.
Michael
Well even if it is a virus, it is intended for Annabelle, so I don’t think I have to worry. It is Annabelle who should be worried. And I think I know how to spot a virus, ok? I’ve been downloading screensavers for a long time, and I can tell a good one from a bad one. And this one looks good. This one looks like it might be the best.
Cut to:
Michael is examining his new screensaver.
michael
Well this screensaver is just awful.
Sadiq comes running into the office.
SADIQ
Hey, everybody? I need everybody to shut down their computers. There’s a worm on the network and it is trying to infect everyone’s machine. So please just turn off your computers as soon as you can.
Michael
Let me finish checking out my new screensaver…
Dwight
There’s no time man! Everybody take action!
Dwight yanks the power cord from his computer and then Jim’s before running into Michael’s office and yanking out his cord.
Michael
Oh come on, I think there was gonna be a naked lady behind that waterfall!
Dwight
Data security is paramount, Michael. If that virus had successfully penetrated our network, all of our data could be extracted and sold for profit on the black market.
Michael
What do you mean?
Dwight
Within one hour, every single file you have on your computer would be for sale on a DVD on a table in Kandahar next to a homemade Kalashnikov and a bundle of Soviet-era RPG’s.
Michael
Even…my videos?
Dwight
Client information, classified blueprints, your private videos. Everything, Michael.
Cut to:
Michael addresses the camera.
Michael
I made some videos, when I first got the video camera, of me trying out one of my comedic personas. To see how it would look on screen. And, look - there is artistic merit in those videos. The artisanship is… beyond reproach. You cannot question that. But I was told, by my improv coach, that if an Arabic person ever saw that character, they would BLOW YOU UP, EENFIHDELL! He didn’t say it like that. That was me in character, as the Naughty Saudi. He said they would be very, deeply, profoundly offended. Those videos…they should not be sold in Afghanistan. That would be very bad. That would be very bad for me.
Cut to:
Michael
We have to do something, Dwight. We can’t let them get those videos. If they get those videos…they’ve already won.
END ACT I
ACT II
int - day - the office
Jim enters the office and drops off a paper sack at the receptionist’s desk. He nods conspiratorially at Pam.
Jim
I got that… lunch… you wanted.
Pam
Oh thank you. Is it…the pork?
Jim
Why yes, it is.
Cut to:
Jim addresses the camera.
jim
I bought a jar of pig blood at the butcher shop. I realized that this had a lot of potential to be creepy and weird, like in the movie Carrie, but I’ve rationalized it by deciding that if Dwight somehow ends up with this pig blood poured across his entire face and body, that will be entirely of his own doing. And I believe we previously established that I was the only one in the office with telekinetic powers.
Cut to:
Pam addresses the camera.
Pam
So Jim got the blood, my friend Jen agreed to send me a picture of her with a newspaper, and I am mocking up the credit report. So far our girl has received - and been consistent in her payment for - loans for her car, a black 1984 Camaro like the one in Knight Rider; a collection of ceremonial Nazi flame pistols through eBay’s finance program; and an Encyclopedia Brown book of the month delivery. I thought about letting her have a couch too, but then I thought Dwight would be upset that she didn’t just build her own.
Int - Day - The Office
Sadiq enters and the main office and tries to get everyone’s attention.
SADIQ
Hey, if I can just get everyone’s attention for a moment…
He waits for everyone’s attention.
SADIQ (Cont’d)
So we’ve managed to contain and isolate the virus…
He looks to Michael, who is smugly unaware that his computer was the cause.
Sadiq (cont’d)
But corporate decided that in order to prevent any future disruptions in connectivity, we would be implementing a content filter to all people connecting through our network.
Michael
Excuse me, Hajji, but Johnny Quest, (looks at camera to indicate he is referring to himself,) has no idea what you’re talking about.
Dwight
I’m Race Bannon.
Michael
No, Jim is Race Bannon. You are…the dog.
Dwight
The dog was the real hero.
SADIQ
Okay, look. Corporate, not me, analyzed the network traffic, and over 98% of it was non-business related. So I’ve been instructed to install a program that will block your access to certain websites so that corporate doesn’t feel that you’re wasting money and time doing things that are non-work-related.
Everyone begins shouting protests.
Creed
You can’t do this! Some of us depend on the internet for our livelihood!
Cut to:
Creed addresses the camera.
Creed
I run a very successful internet business. I steal movies off of the internet, I burn them to disc, and I sell those discs from the trunk of my car. Right now I have Gran Torino, Hotel for Dogs, and My Bloody Valentine 3D. The 3D doesn’t work.
Cut to:
Ext - Day - The Parking lot
Darryl is talking to Creed by Creed’s car, whose trunk is open, revealing milk crates full of CD’s.
Darryl
…does the 3D work on that?
Creed
Of course.
Darryl
Ok, let me get that and Hotel for Dogs.
Cut to:
Int - day - the office
Michael is in his office. His monitor is on his desk, but the video cable is clearly seen to be sitting on the floor. There is an empty space where there was clearly once a computer.
Michael
I cannot talk to Holly. I cannot use the internet. I cannot even wait for my screensaver to turn on. I think…that I…am going to read a magazine.
He buzzes Pam.
Michael
Pamela-mammela?
Pam
Yes, Michael?
Michael
Pamela-mammela would you be a doll and tell me what magazines we have available in the waiting area?
Pam
Um, sure, Michael.
Pam stands and walks the 5 feet to the area next to the couch. She grabs the stack of magazines off of the table, and walks to Michael’s office.
Pam
Okay, we have an issue of Newsweek from May wondering whether Barack Obama will be able to beat Hillary Clinton in the primary…
Michael
Eugh, boring.
Pam
We have a book of crossword puzzles, all of them maybe one-third solved with the solution page dog-eared…
Michael
Is that the one with all the words about books and old actresses?
Pam
…Yes. It’s that one.
Michael
Gross. Okay. What else?
Pam
An issue of National Geographic about pirates in Indonesia.
Michael
National Geographic! Pictures! Animals! I will read that.
Pam
Okay, here you go.
Cut to:
Int - day - Michael’s Office
Michael is reading his National Geographic.
michael
I should be doing this. I should be out going on adventures, and hunting pirates, and giant squids, and… regular squids.
Oscar enters.
Oscar
Michael, we have a problem.
Michael
Oscar the grouch! Always having problems! How are Bert and Ernie? (Grins at camera)
Oscar
Michael, the Dunder Mifflin website is blocked. We can’t access our own website. You need to get it unblocked.
Michael
I will get on it immediately!
Michael throws the magazine down with gusto.
Michael (Cont’d)
Onward…to adventure!
Michael and Oscar walk toward Sadiq’s office. As the camera follows them it pauses briefly on Ryan, who looks guiltily at the camera.
Cut to:
Int - office - day
Ryan addresses the camera.
ryan
It’s called Search Engine Optimization. You plug words into the web page code to make it more likely that your web page will show up when someone does a search on Google. So if you search paper, you want the Dunder Mifflin website to come up. Now, what you can also do is make it so that related words bring up the Dunder Mifflin website. Words that get a lot of searches. So…Bond paper becomes bondage paper. Paper is bundled in reamings. Rolls of paper are sold by the foot worship, and so on. We haven’t sold any more paper because of it, but Kelly does get a lot of crazy emails, so it’s not a total wash.
Cut to:
int - day - kelly’s office
Kelly is at her computer, typing and reading what she types out loud.
Kelly
Oh my god, you are not R. Kelly, and I am not R. Kelly’s niece. You are a creepy loser and you need to get a life. Send.
Cut to:
Int - day - Server Room
Michael enters Sadiq’s office, the server room. Oscar is behind him.
michael
Emergency! We have an emergency! Our thing isn’t working!
Sadiq
You’re going to have to be more specific.
Michael
Our website…thing! I don’t know. You still have my computer.
Sadiq
Yes, I do.
Oscar
We can’t access the Dunder Mifflin website. It says it’s been filtered for inappropriate content.
Sadiq
Let me see…well, sure enough. It looks like we’re on a blacklist of sexually-oriented websites. Any workplace with internet filtering software would be unable to access our website, it looks like. I should probably call corporate about it.
Michael
Yes, action! Success! Michael Scott is a hero! Have at thee, brigand!
Michael grabs a nearby keyboard and wields it at Sadiq as though it were a saber. The cord swings around and clips Sadiq in the head. Michael attempts to grin his way out of the situation, but both Sadiq and Oscar are clearly appalled.
Michael
I’m just going to…walk the plank…over here.
Michael exits. Both Oscar and Sadiq stare daggers at the camera.
END ACT II
act iii
int - the office - day
Dwight enters the office, walking past Pam’s desk. Pam looks up and stops him.
Pam
Oh, hey Dwight, you got a note about a package from the mailman. I think you have to go to the post office to pick it up.
Dwight
Argh, why didn’t you give this to me before I went to the post office?
Pam
He just came by and dropped it off…
Dwight
Sometimes I think you conspire to make my life difficult, Pam.
Pam stares blankly at the camera. Dwight grabs the note from her and walks back out.
Cut to:
Pam addresses the camera.
pam
We did it, we put together and mailed our package, and Dwight is going to go pick it up now. I think they wouldn’t deliver it here because of the blood, but I think there’s also a real possibility that they just refuse to deliver packages addressed to Dwight anymore since he ordered all that napalm.
Cut to:
Dwight addresses the camera.
Dwight
Someone had been smoking in the lady’s bathroom and throwing their cigarette butts in the toilet in flagrant defiance of the city’s workplace smoking ordinance. I ordered a batch of napalm and flushed it down the toilet, where it coated the pipes. The next time someone threw a cigarette in the toilet, their guilt would be readily evident.
Cut to:
Meredith addresses the camera.
Meredith
I used to like to smoke a cigarette when I went number two. I don’t do that anymore.
Cut to:
Int - day - michael’s office
Michael sits at his desk and pulls his laptop, a particularly fruity looking Sony VAIO, out of a bag. He puts it on his desk. As he talks, he is connecting wires to the laptop.
Michael
I am not going to let…my computer’s servicing…keep me from continuing in my quest for the ultimate screensaver. I am going to continue on my journey…
Sadiq enters the room, walking quickly and firmly. He pulls the blue Ethernet cable from Michael’s computer.
Sadiq
No. No. Bad. No. That is not ok. No.
He pulls the Ethernet cable harder, pulling it from the jack with such force that it breaks the jack. He leaves Michael’s office with the cable. Michael grins at the camera.
Cut to:
Int - day - Post Office
Dwight enters the post office and waits in line. In front of him is a girl, MANDY, a little younger than him, pretty but awkward. She comes across as vulnerable, almost calculated to invoke Dwight’s protective instincts. Dwight regards her coolly. She turns back, sees him, looks forward, and then turns back again to face him.
MANDY
You were in here earlier, weren’t you?
Dwight
I may have been. What business is it of yours?
Mandy
You’re standing behind me in line. What if you’re a crazy guy who’s gonna stab me and take my package as soon as I leave?
Dwight
That is a remarkably astute concern. But I am not interested in your package. I am only here to pick up my own package.
Mandy
Oh how fun! What are you getting?
DWIGHT
I once again fail to see how that is your concern.
Mandy
It could be a bomb! Or poisons. I have every right to be concerned. There are lots of crazy people in the post office.
Dwight
Very well. If you must know I am picking up a collection of personal data and fluids from a potential suitor.
Mandy
Oh. That’s exciting. Do you think she’s the one?
Dwight
The one what?
Mandy
The one with whom you will achieve everlasting love and companionship.
Dwight
She seems…competent.
Mandy
Oh.
beat
Mandy (cont’d)
The mailman won’t deliver things to my house anymore because we got in a fight once because he wasn’t delivering things to my house.
Dwight
Postal workers are idiots.
Mandy and Dwight lock eyes in a moment of mutual understanding. There is plainly a real connection between the two.
Dwight
What’s in your package?
Mandy
I don’t know. Either some viruses or a Battlestar Galactica box set.
Dwight seems to tense up, as he recognizes the potential significance of the woman standing before him.
dwight
I know who the last Cylon is.
Mandy
Don’t tell me don’t tell me don’t tell me!
Cut to:
Int - day - michael’s office
Michael is clicking on his laptop.
Michael
I did it. I did it! Someone come here! I did it! I did it!
All of the office that is within earshot, except for Stanley, comes running into Michael’s office.
Pam
What is it Michael?
Michael
I got the internet back! I mean the real internet, not the fake internet.
Oscar
What are you talking about Michael?
Michael
Look…
Michael turns his computer around to reveal that he is on a website for sexy screensavers.
Kevin
How did you do that?
Michael
I don’t know, it just said it was connected to the Vancefridge. It’s not even connected to any wires! It must have…mutated…its own connection…to the internet.
Oscar
No Michael, you’re just connected to Bob Vance’s wireless network. He must not have it secured.
Michael
Oh, Oscar. Poor, sad Oscar. Can’t understand. Can’t understand…what life is.
Cut to:
Michael addresses the camera.
michael
In Jurassic Park, they had a rule. And that rule was no man-dinosaurs allowed. You could only have lady dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. But…but! Something happened. Life found a way. And one of those lady dinosaurs grew a penis. And they made dinosaur babies. And then those dinosaurs broke free and tried to kill everyone on the island. And that’s what happened here. They tried to tell us NO INTERNET. YOU CANNOT HAVE THE INTERNET.
As Michael talks, we see a shot of the office where everyone has a laptop on their desk next to their work computers. Most of them are using their laptops.
Michael (V.O.)
But life…life found a way. It found a way for us to get the internet. It found a way for us to survive. Because that’s what life does.
The camera then cuts to Dwight helping Mandy put her package in his car, as well as her bike.
Michael (V.O)
Life finds a way. Every time.
Cut to:
Sadiq is addressing the camera.
Sadiq
If they want to use Bob Vance’s network to get on the internet from their laptops, that’s fine. That’s not on me. As long as they keep that crap off of my network, they can do whatever they want to do.
END ACT III
Roll credits