I've felt very out of sorts all day. There's been this ever present sense of anxiety combined with exhaustion. This morning my mood was utterly foul and has only transitioned to this lazy apathy as the afternoon whittles away ( Read more... )

I've really been plummeting down a rabbit hole with all this analysis and reflection on my family and the reality of my experiences within that structure. I understand I cannot change anything. Nor is this necessarily about blaming anyone. It's more like just this cascade effect, where I saw one or two things, or better said I had revelations about ( Read more... )

Friday afternoon, not even 4:00 yet but I am shut down mentally and ready for bed. It's been a long week with a lot of disrupted sleep. Though the sciatica bothered me all night, I was surprised with how little I noticed it this morning while I was moving around. Once I sat at the desk though, it was a different story. I am really starting to see ( Read more... )

It's Friday and I am feeling a sort of burned out demotivation. Usually Fridays I find myself quite elated for the weekend. Especially a Friday before a week off for Thanksgiving. But, I feel horribly tense and anxious. I am unable to let go of the sensation that something somewhere at work is going to blow up. I feel the job as if it was standing ( Read more... )

This summer has barely started but it has been incredibly taxing mentally. The last time I remember struggling so much to simply be alive like this was when I contracted mono back in 2002 and I was physically unable to move for hours and days ( Read more... )

I had dreams last night about being back at the lumberyard. Always my 'go-to' dreaming scenario when I am holding in a lot of anxiety about whatever my current job is ( Read more... )

Another dark morning. Even with the curtains closed I could tell it was dreary outside. The apartment was cold because I turned the heat off before bed. Nothing to look forward to today but the hope of avoiding idiot users and their issues. Yet, at the same time as I sat here the entire day doing nothing I was choking on the anxiety of all that I ( Read more... )

Apparently my mental state is noticeable to other people. Two people in the past week have commented about how "unhappy" I seem these days (as opposed to my normal, sardonic self). One offered his sage advice by telling me to "change" the things I am unhappy about. To "get a new job" and resolve the source of my misery ( Read more... )

Yesterday's emergency turned into no big deal this morning when the client finally emailed me back and said they could wait if the order couldn't be made/received in two days. So, I spent the entire day yesterday in misery for nothing. These are the major red flags that tell me I am in the wrong job ( Read more... )

Since this morning I have done virtually nothing. I have sat here and surfed the internet, finding content making me feel even worse about my situation. But, I have done about as little work as possible. Which has been the pattern since the holidays now ( Read more... )