This article from feministe made me think about the way recovery from abuse is never really over, I think. You never really get over the impulse to apologize, to minimize, normalize behavior. Never get over the need to "share blame" even though you know it was a form of denial.

Not everything in the article resonated with me, but it struck me anyway ( Read more... )

I spent most of today (or yesterday, depending on how you count) cleaning up my room and finally found my old journal that CJ made me buy and start writing in, so that I could get my thoughts out and talk about bdsm in a way that was comfortable for me and didn’t necessarily require forcing words out of my mouth, which at the time was hard. (It’s ( Read more... )

The major, most insidious lie that the virgin/slut dichotomy produces about female desire, isn’t that good girls don’t have it but bad girls do, it’s really that no female has sexual desires, legitimate or otherwise. And the difference between good girls and bad girls is simply as a gate keeper: good girls are good gate keepers, bad girls aren’t.
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I had an unexpected vision today on my way home from class, and I know what prompted it (Watching You by Rodney Atkins), but that doesn't make it any less vivid or thought-provoking/sorrowful. (Just a warning, what follows is not very bright and shiney, and could produce tears. Don't read if you're not okay with that sort of thing.)
( Read more... )

Dedicated to the man that I can never escape,
no not like breathing, but through bad habits like
picking at sunburns and forever running late,
the one habit I'll probably never shake,
an addiction to love so hollow
but lingers on like bad wine.

Breakeven - The Script

I glossed over this in my earlier posting. But I need to keep a record of this, so that I don't have to question my memory later.

3/17/10 beginning 3:14am

( Ex-husband ranting under cut, click at your own risk. )

I had one of those really odd, and perhaps ill-timed, moments this evening. Scott and I were fooling around and playing, and all of a sudden a few pieces fell into place in my brain, and it occurred to me how truly very... messed up, Dilan was about some things.

When we were still trying to talk things out shortly before I left, we were talking ( Read more... )

"I did write you letters. I sent them. I know for a fact that of the five that I sent, at least three of them were destroyed because the trucks got blown up by I.E.D.'s."
~ Dilan, 2 days ago over the phone

... Pieces of my heart were blown up in Afghanistan. It seems a small thing to cry over... A selfish thing, really, given that real people were ( Read more... )

I spent over three hours on the phone with Dilan tonight.

He wanted to know how I was doing, and we discussed pets and finances again, though basically the agreement comes to, we have a direct deposit of $600 set to go into my account each month (which comes out of his check before he ever see's it, so he can't accidentally spend it.) And... we'll ( Read more... )

I dislike using the word "abuse" to describe my relationship with Dilan. I feel that it can be easily over-used, and flailed around like a flag for attention. I don't want attention for the hurts I have endured in my past relationship-- mostly, I simply want to move on from it. But I don't think I can move on from all of it until I've had a chance ( Read more... )