Minor Revelation, Inform the Media
I had one of those really odd, and perhaps ill-timed, moments this evening. Scott and I were fooling around and playing, and all of a sudden a few pieces fell into place in my brain, and it occurred to me how truly very... messed up, Dilan was about some things.
When we were still trying to talk things out shortly before I left, we were talking about D/s and BDSM, and he at one point told me that he just couldn't be Dominant for me, because he couldn't see it as anything other than controlling and abusive. But the fact is, he really had no problems tossing me around, tying me up and choking me, fucking my brains out and calling me names while doing it... But anything more, well.. That would be 'abusive.'
He had, so many hang-ups really about sex and intimacy... I actually love being able to caress a partner and make them twitch and squirm, but he was never really responsive. Just sex and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, and maybe it was rough and dirty, but it was still sort of this.. thing, that he quartered off into just a section of his life.. And I think he liked keeping it there, in a dark corner where it was a dirty secret. My openness and voracious appetites were really in direct conflict with that.
So I felt inclined to stop our cavorting briefly to relay this thought, and then went to demonstrate with his hand what I meant by "choking", and the squeeze on my throat pretty much put me right out. After 30 seconds or so I started twitching. It was a very quick drop to "Off", he says. He said he was expecting a "yes" or "no" to the question of whether what he was doing was what I was referring to, but I don't even recall there being a question.
But anyway... He cuddled me for a while afterwards, and in the quiet a few more puzzle pieces worked their way together and it occurred to me... That it doesn't really matter how far I move forward, how much time it takes, and how much more fulfilled my life becomes as I continue on my journey...
The fact will always remain that it was never fair that we fell apart, it was never fair to have lost my first love... It was never fair, it doesn't matter how normal or how much a part of life it is, it's still not fair that love wasn't enough. It's what keeps me looking back every now and again, and wondering, even though I really have no desire to return anymore. Still. It just isn't fair. And i think part of it is the fact that I really am sort of lonely for that deep connection with someone, not specifically the committed relationship, but the connection that gets built up over a lot of time spent sleeping together, conversing, and moving within each other's space and learning about each other.
And I ended up crying for a few minutes, very quietly, at how very unfair it is. I knew there were tears coming before they started spilling out, I wasn't really 100% sure they would actually come out right then or if they were going to be stubborn and wait until I was alone and stranded. It wasn't great wracking sobs or anything, nor did it go on for really very long. I just had a moment to connect with the fact that it was sad, and then after a while I was calm again, a little tension released from my life.