Exes and Ohs
I spent over three hours on the phone with Dilan tonight.
He wanted to know how I was doing, and we discussed pets and finances again, though basically the agreement comes to, we have a direct deposit of $600 set to go into my account each month (which comes out of his check before he ever see's it, so he can't accidentally spend it.) And... we'll discuss things again if it gets overly tight some month. I told him to call me before he's borrowing from other people. Here's hoping this does not turn into a further headache, wherein he is bugging me monthly for cash because he's a dumbass.
He changed the password to his USAA account, so I can't check his spending habits anymore. Which is both a blessing and a curse. As I also have no way to pay off the credit card, which is currently reporting on MY credit report as well. But, again, I can't roll my eyes at how much he spends on booze either. Half and half.
The rest of the conversation consisted really of catching up-ish, though I don't know why, with a few misty-eyed detours down memory lane. It's nice to be wanted, yes, maybe even loved, in some way. I can admit that a small part of me is pleased with the validation that I am indeed still wanted, and missed, but... I wish I wasn't. I wish there wasn't still that tightness in my chest sometimes, when I stumble across the realization of a misunderstanding that had stood between us. When it falls away and I realize "...oh," knowing that it contributed to the mountain of reasons for leaving... They are small moments, but they are perhaps the most painful.
I wish it didn't affect me at all, that I could close my eyes and be deaf and numb to all of it -- but I don't think I can do that without changing part of who I am. It's no longer day by day, but week by week, or maybe even multiples of weeks, but completely free from tears I am not. Sometimes it's bitter, sometimes regret or remorse, sometimes just sorrow at the way things are.
Where I once used to convince myself that I was happy, now I remind myself over and over that I need to leave (or, stay away, at this point.) The second is more 'real,' in a sense, but the comparison can not be denied. I know that lots of people tell both of us that we're better off, that we should just "move on," or forget each other, but my personal opinion is that no one who has never been through a divorce, really has much--if any--ground to give advice on the matter. That tightness in the back of my throat is still there long after the feasability of the relationship has been worn out.
He wanted to know how I was doing, and we discussed pets and finances again, though basically the agreement comes to, we have a direct deposit of $600 set to go into my account each month (which comes out of his check before he ever see's it, so he can't accidentally spend it.) And... we'll discuss things again if it gets overly tight some month. I told him to call me before he's borrowing from other people. Here's hoping this does not turn into a further headache, wherein he is bugging me monthly for cash because he's a dumbass.
He changed the password to his USAA account, so I can't check his spending habits anymore. Which is both a blessing and a curse. As I also have no way to pay off the credit card, which is currently reporting on MY credit report as well. But, again, I can't roll my eyes at how much he spends on booze either. Half and half.
The rest of the conversation consisted really of catching up-ish, though I don't know why, with a few misty-eyed detours down memory lane. It's nice to be wanted, yes, maybe even loved, in some way. I can admit that a small part of me is pleased with the validation that I am indeed still wanted, and missed, but... I wish I wasn't. I wish there wasn't still that tightness in my chest sometimes, when I stumble across the realization of a misunderstanding that had stood between us. When it falls away and I realize "...oh," knowing that it contributed to the mountain of reasons for leaving... They are small moments, but they are perhaps the most painful.
I wish it didn't affect me at all, that I could close my eyes and be deaf and numb to all of it -- but I don't think I can do that without changing part of who I am. It's no longer day by day, but week by week, or maybe even multiples of weeks, but completely free from tears I am not. Sometimes it's bitter, sometimes regret or remorse, sometimes just sorrow at the way things are.
Where I once used to convince myself that I was happy, now I remind myself over and over that I need to leave (or, stay away, at this point.) The second is more 'real,' in a sense, but the comparison can not be denied. I know that lots of people tell both of us that we're better off, that we should just "move on," or forget each other, but my personal opinion is that no one who has never been through a divorce, really has much--if any--ground to give advice on the matter. That tightness in the back of my throat is still there long after the feasability of the relationship has been worn out.