Would you call this first love? (When you say "this" are you referring to the events happening below? Is this a flash-back? If so, you may want to consider making it past tense. I was somewhat confused/unsure of what was going on or how I was supposed to take in this short story) The moment where you feel as though everything around you is nothing compared to "T"his person you are faced with? Would you call this happiness being with the one person that is able to make your heart stop with one touch?
What would you call this?
“Suzaku…”
He’s breathing down my neck as I hold him tightly in my grasp. I had never felt so much despair and happiness before. (I've noticed you really like semi-colons. They aren't needed as much as you are using them for.)
“Suzaku…”
He was beginning to cry now. I guess I too as well. This would be our last moment, our last moment to be together; why was I so sad? I hated him, didn’t I? I loved Euphie, didn’t I? Wasn’t she my first love
( ... )
You're good at writing so please don't take my corrections and comments as negative criticism. I've taken a lot of creative writing classes so I'm comfortable in telling people what they can improve upon and what I'd like to see more of
( ... )
erm for the would you call that love... i had an idea about him thinking then him discreetly excepting it....okki that makes no sense erm erm erm erm erm erm
I cant explain it but it has to be like that lol otherwise the story wont seem right..
I honestly think that the commenter above needs to get off her high horse.
She's taken a lot of creative writing classes? Alright, so some of the things she said did make sense(the use of semi-colons, and some great comma placement). That doesn't change the fact that other things that she said make no sense, especially about ideas that are supposed to be left to interpretation.
Would you call this first love?
That line is perfectly fine.
Not everything is supposed to be in just black or white. Some things are gray, and those are the things that readers should think about themselves.
Oh. I must apologize. I was under the impression that people who wrote wanted to get better at writing and know where they make mistakes and what other readers want to look for and read when reading other peoples' work.
I must apologize that I don't sugar coat everything I say to the point that all I say is, "It's perfect. You had great detail. The imagery was there." especially when some of those aspects are not there
( ... )
I think you should read what gods_debris wrote about your piece, take it lightly, and continue writing. Criticism is going to come your way if you're a writer. That being said, I don't believe the harsh, red corrections were necessary. It came across as very condescending; I'm not sure if they meant it that way, or if they were genuinely interested in helping.
But perhaps you can gain something from these corrections? All writers want to improve, and all are capable of doing so. I really enjoyed reading this, and that's great, but there's something everyone can improve on.
I think you should continue writing, and definitely do not let certain reviews get you down. You'll get many more of them in the future, regardless of how much you improve.
Have fun writing, and take the criticism that may come! I enjoyed this, and that's all the matters to me. ♥
Also, I love the picture of Suzaku and Lelouch. Cou does some amazing doujinshis.
I was totally interested in helping. :( I just felt like I should change my font color so that it didn't mesh in with her writing and so that they could see my changes more easily. Would you suggest a different color next time because it really seems to be an issue and I would like to correct it if the color comes off condescending.
I think they should continue to write, too. I liked her piece!
It's very common for a teacher or professor to use red in correcting an essay, so I believe that someone using that over the internet can very easily come off as condescending. It's impossible for us to tell your tone or your intention over the internet, so I think it would be better if you just didn't correct a persons work in the traditional manner
( ... )
I'll try to keep that in mind. I have a strong habit of writing formally when criticizing and I know from linguistic courses that it can also come off as condescending. I will try to be more sensitive the next time I criticize someone's work.
Comments 33
Would you call this first love? (When you say "this" are you referring to the events happening below? Is this a flash-back? If so, you may want to consider making it past tense. I was somewhat confused/unsure of what was going on or how I was supposed to take in this short story) The moment where you feel as though everything around you is nothing compared to "T"his person you are faced with? Would you call this happiness being with the one person that is able to make your heart stop with one touch?
What would you call this?
“Suzaku…”
He’s breathing down my neck as I hold him tightly in my grasp. I had never felt so much despair and happiness before. (I've noticed you really like semi-colons. They aren't needed as much as you are using them for.)
“Suzaku…”
He was beginning to cry now. I guess I too as well. This would be our last moment, our last moment to be together; why was I so sad? I hated him, didn’t I? I loved Euphie, didn’t I? Wasn’t she my first love ( ... )
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*sigh* My english teacher always goes on about that to me as well =_= oh but i still get A's :D
Okki YOSH I'm gna edit it :D Can yu check it agen for me afterwards :D I'd apprecitate it aha
but i must tell you i did this in half an hour while I was depressed with my coursework =_=
thanks for reading :D
xxxx
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i had an idea about him thinking then him discreetly excepting it....okki that makes no sense erm erm erm erm erm erm
I cant explain it but it has to be like that lol otherwise the story wont seem right..
thanks agen for taking yur time to correct it :3
xxxx
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She's taken a lot of creative writing classes? Alright, so some of the things she said did make sense(the use of semi-colons, and some great comma placement). That doesn't change the fact that other things that she said make no sense, especially about ideas that are supposed to be left to interpretation.
Would you call this first love?
That line is perfectly fine.
Not everything is supposed to be in just black or white. Some things are gray, and those are the things that readers should think about themselves.
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I don't want to start bitching, because honestly I don't even care that much.
I just want to point out that it was a bit douchey.
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I must apologize that I don't sugar coat everything I say to the point that all I say is, "It's perfect. You had great detail. The imagery was there." especially when some of those aspects are not there ( ... )
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But perhaps you can gain something from these corrections? All writers want to improve, and all are capable of doing so. I really enjoyed reading this, and that's great, but there's something everyone can improve on.
I think you should continue writing, and definitely do not let certain reviews get you down. You'll get many more of them in the future, regardless of how much you improve.
Have fun writing, and take the criticism that may come! I enjoyed this, and that's all the matters to me. ♥
Also, I love the picture of Suzaku and Lelouch. Cou does some amazing doujinshis.
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I think they should continue to write, too. I liked her piece!
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lovely, cute, beautiful ~ i adored it <3
and who sings the boku wa imouto ni koi wo suru main theme?
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I dnt mean the singing its like the acoustic guitar thingy erm erm erm ooo here's a link :D
http://www.imeem.com/karen436/playlist/SR4FnF-E/boku_wa_imouto_ni_koi_wo_suru_music_playlist
listen to the first track :)
thanks for reading :D
xxxx
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I looooveee your SuzaLulu-fics xD, they always brighten my day. Keep writing xD.
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*sniffs* that makes me well happyyy :)
aaawww i wanna glomp you :D
*gives Lulu plushie* Let's share :D ahah xD
thanks for reading :D
And I wiiiillll :D :D
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