You're good at writing so please don't take my corrections and comments as negative criticism. I've taken a lot of creative writing classes so I'm comfortable in telling people what they can improve upon and what I'd like to see more of.
You really like adverbs. They are words that end in -ly. This is not so much of a bad thing, but a lot of writers are able to project solid images through more clearer language if they try to stay away from those adverbs. They use them, but they try to "show" more than "tell". I don't want to be told that Suzaku is crying, I want to be able to see it. I want you to explain to me that there are wells of tears pooling under his eyes and are sliding down his cheeks--perhaps even dripping off his chin. I want to see his mouth formed in a frown with his teeth clenched as he makes some sort of pathetic attempt to stop himself from crying--even if that means he bites his lip until he breaks skin. I want to feel needing that person just as much as I would oxygen. I want to feel each breath I take being one huge hurtle to over-come and to feel my lungs ache with every breath.
Now you also have questions laid throughout the story. I know this is used a lot in manga or internal dialogue within stories, but at the same time the character who's head we're in usually gives us an answer. At the same time, I somewhat feel as though they're more statements than questions. Try reading it through out-loud as a question and then try again saying it as a statement. You may find that you like it better! I did this and I preferred it that way--but it's your story and if that is how you want it read then it is perfect that way.
You did a great job and I think you could even expand this if wanted to, if you were willing to add more detail and take out some of the inner monologue. Good job!
And remember, don't take my corrections in grammar or comments as something negative. I really like your piece.
erm for the would you call that love... i had an idea about him thinking then him discreetly excepting it....okki that makes no sense erm erm erm erm erm erm
I cant explain it but it has to be like that lol otherwise the story wont seem right..
You really like adverbs. They are words that end in -ly. This is not so much of a bad thing, but a lot of writers are able to project solid images through more clearer language if they try to stay away from those adverbs. They use them, but they try to "show" more than "tell". I don't want to be told that Suzaku is crying, I want to be able to see it. I want you to explain to me that there are wells of tears pooling under his eyes and are sliding down his cheeks--perhaps even dripping off his chin. I want to see his mouth formed in a frown with his teeth clenched as he makes some sort of pathetic attempt to stop himself from crying--even if that means he bites his lip until he breaks skin. I want to feel needing that person just as much as I would oxygen. I want to feel each breath I take being one huge hurtle to over-come and to feel my lungs ache with every breath.
Now you also have questions laid throughout the story. I know this is used a lot in manga or internal dialogue within stories, but at the same time the character who's head we're in usually gives us an answer. At the same time, I somewhat feel as though they're more statements than questions. Try reading it through out-loud as a question and then try again saying it as a statement. You may find that you like it better! I did this and I preferred it that way--but it's your story and if that is how you want it read then it is perfect that way.
You did a great job and I think you could even expand this if wanted to, if you were willing to add more detail and take out some of the inner monologue. Good job!
And remember, don't take my corrections in grammar or comments as something negative. I really like your piece.
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*sigh* My english teacher always goes on about that to me as well =_= oh but i still get A's :D
Okki YOSH I'm gna edit it :D Can yu check it agen for me afterwards :D I'd apprecitate it aha
but i must tell you i did this in half an hour while I was depressed with my coursework =_=
thanks for reading :D
xxxx
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i had an idea about him thinking then him discreetly excepting it....okki that makes no sense erm erm erm erm erm erm
I cant explain it but it has to be like that lol otherwise the story wont seem right..
thanks agen for taking yur time to correct it :3
xxxx
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