Would you call this first love? (When you say "this" are you referring to the events happening below? Is this a flash-back? If so, you may want to consider making it past tense. I was somewhat confused/unsure of what was going on or how I was supposed to take in this short story) The moment where you feel as though everything around you is nothing compared to "T"his person you are faced with? Would you call this happiness being with the one person that is able to make your heart stop with one touch?
What would you call this?
“Suzaku…”
He’s breathing down my neck as I hold him tightly in my grasp. I had never felt so much despair and happiness before. (I've noticed you really like semi-colons. They aren't needed as much as you are using them for.)
“Suzaku…”
He was beginning to cry now. I guess I too as well. This would be our last moment, our last moment to be together; why was I so sad? I hated him, didn’t I? I loved Euphie, didn’t I? Wasn’t she my first love?
But still…
“S-Suzaku…”
This boy crying in my arms; (Don't need a semi-colon here since it's one complete thought that does not need to be broken up) is making me feel desperate, so desperate that I feel all self control escape me.
Would you call that your first love? (I don't know, would you? You continue to ask this question but you don't exactly ever give the answer for your character or as your character.) The ability to shred your entire shield and soul; revealing the broken pieces?
“I’m sorry…”
I tighten the embrace, digging my face into his slim, bony shoulder. I couldn’t speak; I didn’t know how to respond. There were so many things I wanted to say, however the words just wouldn’t come out.
His slim, feminine I would prefer "slender" here. You have a lot of adjectives, but I think they both explain and show the same thing so it seems a little redundant to use two adjectives that explain the same thing. fingers slid gracefully through my hair and I clenched my eyes shut. The sharp tingle of guilt was piercing my heart.
Would you say that was your first love? The ability to make you tremble with overwhelming happiness, with just one touch?
The tears began to pour from my eyes, wetting his shoulder. His jumper was so baggy, it kind of amused me. (This is a great detail. Tell me how it would amuse you aside from the fact that he would get annoyed by it due to it's sliding down his shoulder. It's a good spot for character development). He would always get annoyed because it would constantly slide down his shoulder.
Would you call that happiness? Simple moments like this?
“Ne, you’re crying…”
He whispered in his deep, rich voice. I shook my head childishly and buried my face deeper. He wrapped his slim arms around my neck, his cheek resting on my hair. He smelt so good, like roses. (I took out the semi-colons here because they were totally unneeded).
Would this be called your first love?
Noticing these subtle features and treasuring them… (Yay! An Ellipsis! However, need a space after it :3).Needing them, as much as oxygen?
Silence appeared and all that could be heard was the soft breathing of this boy comforting me as I cried. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but more of a treasuring silence. No words were needed to project how we felt; this was just enough. This was what we were content with.
You're good at writing so please don't take my corrections and comments as negative criticism. I've taken a lot of creative writing classes so I'm comfortable in telling people what they can improve upon and what I'd like to see more of.
You really like adverbs. They are words that end in -ly. This is not so much of a bad thing, but a lot of writers are able to project solid images through more clearer language if they try to stay away from those adverbs. They use them, but they try to "show" more than "tell". I don't want to be told that Suzaku is crying, I want to be able to see it. I want you to explain to me that there are wells of tears pooling under his eyes and are sliding down his cheeks--perhaps even dripping off his chin. I want to see his mouth formed in a frown with his teeth clenched as he makes some sort of pathetic attempt to stop himself from crying--even if that means he bites his lip until he breaks skin. I want to feel needing that person just as much as I would oxygen. I want to feel each breath I take being one huge hurtle to over-come and to feel my lungs ache with every breath.
Now you also have questions laid throughout the story. I know this is used a lot in manga or internal dialogue within stories, but at the same time the character who's head we're in usually gives us an answer. At the same time, I somewhat feel as though they're more statements than questions. Try reading it through out-loud as a question and then try again saying it as a statement. You may find that you like it better! I did this and I preferred it that way--but it's your story and if that is how you want it read then it is perfect that way.
You did a great job and I think you could even expand this if wanted to, if you were willing to add more detail and take out some of the inner monologue. Good job!
And remember, don't take my corrections in grammar or comments as something negative. I really like your piece.
erm for the would you call that love... i had an idea about him thinking then him discreetly excepting it....okki that makes no sense erm erm erm erm erm erm
I cant explain it but it has to be like that lol otherwise the story wont seem right..
Would you call this first love? (When you say "this" are you referring to the events happening below? Is this a flash-back? If so, you may want to consider making it past tense. I was somewhat confused/unsure of what was going on or how I was supposed to take in this short story) The moment where you feel as though everything around you is nothing compared to "T"his person you are faced with? Would you call this happiness being with the one person that is able to make your heart stop with one touch?
What would you call this?
“Suzaku…”
He’s breathing down my neck as I hold him tightly in my grasp. I had never felt so much despair and happiness before. (I've noticed you really like semi-colons. They aren't needed as much as you are using them for.)
“Suzaku…”
He was beginning to cry now. I guess I too as well. This would be our last moment, our last moment to be together; why was I so sad? I hated him, didn’t I? I loved Euphie, didn’t I? Wasn’t she my first love?
But still…
“S-Suzaku…”
This boy crying in my arms; (Don't need a semi-colon here since it's one complete thought that does not need to be broken up) is making me feel desperate, so desperate that I feel all self control escape me.
Would you call that your first love? (I don't know, would you? You continue to ask this question but you don't exactly ever give the answer for your character or as your character.) The ability to shred your entire shield and soul; revealing the broken pieces?
“I’m sorry…”
I tighten the embrace, digging my face into his slim, bony shoulder. I couldn’t speak; I didn’t know how to respond. There were so many things I wanted to say, however the words just wouldn’t come out.
His slim, feminine I would prefer "slender" here. You have a lot of adjectives, but I think they both explain and show the same thing so it seems a little redundant to use two adjectives that explain the same thing. fingers slid gracefully through my hair and I clenched my eyes shut. The sharp tingle of guilt was piercing my heart.
Would you say that was your first love? The ability to make you tremble with overwhelming happiness, with just one touch?
The tears began to pour from my eyes, wetting his shoulder. His jumper was so baggy, it kind of amused me. (This is a great detail. Tell me how it would amuse you aside from the fact that he would get annoyed by it due to it's sliding down his shoulder. It's a good spot for character development). He would always get annoyed because it would constantly slide down his shoulder.
Would you call that happiness? Simple moments like this?
“Ne, you’re crying…”
He whispered in his deep, rich voice. I shook my head childishly and buried my face deeper. He wrapped his slim arms around my neck, his cheek resting on my hair. He smelt so good, like roses. (I took out the semi-colons here because they were totally unneeded).
Would this be called your first love?
Noticing these subtle features and treasuring them… (Yay! An Ellipsis! However, need a space after it :3).Needing them, as much as oxygen?
Silence appeared and all that could be heard was the soft breathing of this boy comforting me as I cried. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but more of a treasuring silence. No words were needed to project how we felt; this was just enough. This was what we were content with.
But nonetheless…
“Lelouch… I… I lo… thank you…”
These words are just enough… for my first love…
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You really like adverbs. They are words that end in -ly. This is not so much of a bad thing, but a lot of writers are able to project solid images through more clearer language if they try to stay away from those adverbs. They use them, but they try to "show" more than "tell". I don't want to be told that Suzaku is crying, I want to be able to see it. I want you to explain to me that there are wells of tears pooling under his eyes and are sliding down his cheeks--perhaps even dripping off his chin. I want to see his mouth formed in a frown with his teeth clenched as he makes some sort of pathetic attempt to stop himself from crying--even if that means he bites his lip until he breaks skin. I want to feel needing that person just as much as I would oxygen. I want to feel each breath I take being one huge hurtle to over-come and to feel my lungs ache with every breath.
Now you also have questions laid throughout the story. I know this is used a lot in manga or internal dialogue within stories, but at the same time the character who's head we're in usually gives us an answer. At the same time, I somewhat feel as though they're more statements than questions. Try reading it through out-loud as a question and then try again saying it as a statement. You may find that you like it better! I did this and I preferred it that way--but it's your story and if that is how you want it read then it is perfect that way.
You did a great job and I think you could even expand this if wanted to, if you were willing to add more detail and take out some of the inner monologue. Good job!
And remember, don't take my corrections in grammar or comments as something negative. I really like your piece.
Reply
*sigh* My english teacher always goes on about that to me as well =_= oh but i still get A's :D
Okki YOSH I'm gna edit it :D Can yu check it agen for me afterwards :D I'd apprecitate it aha
but i must tell you i did this in half an hour while I was depressed with my coursework =_=
thanks for reading :D
xxxx
Reply
i had an idea about him thinking then him discreetly excepting it....okki that makes no sense erm erm erm erm erm erm
I cant explain it but it has to be like that lol otherwise the story wont seem right..
thanks agen for taking yur time to correct it :3
xxxx
Reply
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