Comments | xi_o_teaz: Girlfriend Standards

xi_o_teaz

Girlfriend Standards

May 18, 2008 04:52

When it comes to potential girlfriends, I've long joked that I'm "shallow", but I've recently REALized what's really going on*. I will not settle for anything less than someone who Stimulates me on ALL levels, which in my Metaphysical Map means ( Read more... )

4th circuit, personal, dating, psychocosms

Comments 23

labingi May 18 2008, 13:59:20 UTC

Your views are very close to my cousin's, who would also like to be in a relationship but is pretty content with the idea that she'll probably end up single. As she puts it, she's uncompromising but what better thing to be uncompromising about.

xi_o_teaz May 18 2008, 19:45:30 UTC

Your views are very close to my cousin's, who would also like to be in a relationship but is pretty content with the idea that she'll probably end up single.

It's not a self-fulfilling prophecy I'd like to see play itself out, but thus far at the tender age of 33, it certainly seems to be accurate. That doesn't mean I've given up hope yet, though ;-)

As she puts it, she's uncompromising but what better thing to be uncompromising about.

Yeah, pretty much. If I felt sorry for other people (I always found "sympathy" & "pity" to be overly condescending emotional displays), I'd feel very sorry for a great many people whom are in Relationships with people who do not fulfill them. I truly do not understand (except in an abstract Psychological way) why people would be in unequal or abusive relationships at all.

erl_queen May 18 2008, 17:27:18 UTC

xi_o_teaz May 18 2008, 20:10:52 UTC

Well you just never know where you might find someone. Sannion and I met online, after all, and were online friends for years before we ever met in person. You might try prioritizing the "finding someone who fits all my criteria" part first, and the "lives in Eugene" part last, and see what happens.

Good suggestions. Speaking of "online", I've been encouraged by numerous people to use the many online dating services. I went into Eugene Weekly's "Wink & Kink" late last night, and was thoroughly unimpressed. This will probably be something that I pursue more in due time.

I totally hear you about polyamory, though. My response to the concept in relation to myself is always, beyond any concern over jealousy or whatnot, how the hell would I have time to juggle two or three significant others?I don't understand how people do it. When I hear people who are dating 5 people, my first thought is, "don't they have a Life?" LOL Kudos to them that can, but PolyAmoury seems to me to be yet another great Theory that would be pretty ( ... )

erl_queen May 19 2008, 03:15:29 UTC

I've been encouraged by numerous people to use the many online dating services

Eh. I'm sure they work sometimes, but to me it's much more likely for someone like you (who is more interested in Stuff than the average person) to find the right person online via forums dedicated to those things you love. Rather than a forum dedicated to finding someone. If you see what I mean. But I guess it couldn't hurt, other than being a waste of time.

PolyAmoury seems to me to be yet another great Theory that would be pretty impossible to work in Practice

For me as well. I have seen it work in practice, but very few times compared to how many times it doesn't work. I think for a small percentage of people, it really is the best way, for a variety of reasons. I am not one of those people, I think, just due to time/energy constraints.

xi_o_teaz May 19 2008, 04:53:49 UTC

Eh. I'm sure they work sometimes, but to me it's much more likely for someone like you (who is more interested in Stuff than the average person)

What a kind way to frame my OCD on all my many pet topics ;-)

to find the right person online via forums dedicated to those things you love. Rather than a forum dedicated to finding someone. If you see what I mean.

Yeah, I can definitely see that.

But I guess it couldn't hurt, other than being a waste of time.

Indeed, and the primary reason I've not yet done it. We'll see if that is something I end up pursuing or not. If I do, I'm sure I'll be joking about it with you & sannion.

(The comment has been removed)

Magickal PsychoCosms xi_o_teaz May 18 2008, 19:22:05 UTC

what about moving "spiritually" to the spirit category, and putting "sexually" in fire?How dare you suggest I move "spiritually" to the "spirit" category! How dare you, sir! LOL ( ... )

Good to see my brain is (sorta) working first thing in my morning xi_o_teaz May 18 2008, 19:30:34 UTC

I guess in all my early morning rambling, I never actually answered your question, silly me.

"Sexually", in this particular post, would be a combination of "Earth" & "Fire". "Fire" in that I view sexuality as very Spiritual & Magickal in its more Tantric aspects, and "Earth" in that "physically stimulated" aspect, which was what I was talking about in this particular instance.

anthologie May 18 2008, 20:35:19 UTC

Things I've learned:

1. You need to fulfill all your OWN needs, not rely on a partner to do it for you. A partner should complement you, not fill needs. That way you stop putting unrealistic expectations on the other person and see them for who they are.

2. If you're powerfully attracted to someone, stay away from them. That's not "chemistry" or "magic," that's old psychological crud making its way to the surface.

3. Don't try to be poly just because someone tells you it's a good idea.

xi_o_teaz May 18 2008, 20:51:58 UTC

1. You need to fulfill all your OWN needs, not rely on a partner to do it for you. A partner should complement you, not fill needs.

I couldn't agree more (did I give a different impression?). Those two sentences are more full of Truth than any I've seen in a long time, particularly re: finding a mate.

That way you stop putting unrealistic expectations on the other person and see them for who they are.

I'm often told that my Expectations are unrealistic, and this is something that is a constant struggle for me. I guess when I'm talking in the abstract "qualities I desire" vs. actually speaking about a particular individual, I can seem less realistic than I think my experience has shown me to be. I don't think I have any trouble with seeing people for who they are, though.

2. If you're powerfully attracted to someone, stay away from them. That's not "chemistry" or "magic," that's old psychological crud making its way to the surface.To an extent, I definitely see your point. Wee humans tend to be strongly attracted to people who ( ... )

anthologie May 18 2008, 21:24:35 UTC

did I give a different impression?

You did, by saying a potential mate needed to fulfill all four of the categories in your initial post.

I'm often told that my Expectations are unrealistic, and this is something that is a constant struggle for me. I guess when I'm talking in the abstract "qualities I desire" vs. actually speaking about a particular individual, I can seem less realistic than I think my experience has shown me to be. I don't think I have any trouble with seeing people for who they are, though.I think we may be talking about two slightly different things here. It's fine to know what qualities you'd want it a partner. Say, intelligence. But it's unrealistic to expect that person to use their intelligence to always help YOU out in a situation when maybe you're not being so smart. :P ( ... )

xi_o_teaz May 18 2008, 21:34:42 UTC

You did, by saying a potential mate needed to fulfill all four of the categories in your initial post.

Ah, poor communication on my part, then. I really was going more for the "stimulate me", "complement me", "be in the same league", type of thing here.

I am VERY adamant about people fulfilling themselves. I think that expecting others to "complete them" is one of the unhealthiest (and all-too-common) Relationship mistakes people make. We are completely in agreement on the first 2/3s of that reply.

Again, not what I'm saying. There's "I like this person and find them attractive" and "OMG I can't stop THINKING about them and being away from them is torture, etc. etc." Look at how they're pegging your chemistry-meter, and if it's too much like doing a drug, get away.

And again, we agree. I must not be communicating (receiving or expressing) very well today, so I guess it's good that I'm putting off my writing for that Animism anthology ;-)

Thread 8

Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing... lupagreenwolf May 19 2008, 06:34:08 UTC

Having been in numerous relationships, my advice is--learn to bend and compromise. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of expectations (though the latter most often), and it isn't fun. One reason Taylor and I have been so successful to date is that we don't have expectations of each other (beyond certain sane things like "I won't beat the crap out of you", "I will honor my vows and promises to you to the best of my ability", etc.). We've had to work a lot on that (the expectations, not the not beating each other up thing), because there were expectations early on in the relationship. The problem was that it put a LOT of pressure on whoever was expected to live up to the expectations, and that pressure led to a lot of stress in the relationship, which was ultimately very damaging and required a good deal of healing ( ... )

Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing... erl_queen May 19 2008, 19:16:58 UTC

Good points Lupa. Even if one does find someone who matches all one's criteria, that person IS going to change over time, and hey, one's criteria is probably going to change to a degree as well. So flexibility is definitely important. And to make sure that you're really in love with a person and not a set of qualities that happen to match your own at the moment (which was one of my mistakes in my last relationship).

Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing... xi_o_teaz May 20 2008, 02:19:28 UTC

and not a set of qualities that happen to match your own at the moment

...well put and duly noted, dear queen.

Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing... lupagreenwolf May 20 2008, 04:33:01 UTC

*nods* That one's tripped me up more than once, both on the giving and receiving end. I think sometimes people buy too much into the idea that you do most of your changing as a teenager, and then settle into your permanent personality once you become "grown up" in your early twenties. Which, in practice, is just silly.

Thread 7