Girlfriend Standards

[xi_o_teaz]

When it comes to potential girlfriends, I've long joked that I'm "shallow", but I've recently REALized what's really going on*. I will not settle for anything less than someone who Stimulates me on ALL levels, which in my Metaphysical Map means

Comments

Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing...

[lupagreenwolf]

Having been in numerous relationships, my advice is--learn to bend and compromise. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of expectations (though the latter most often), and it isn't fun. One reason Taylor and I have been so successful to date is that we don't have expectations of each other (beyond certain sane things like "I won't beat the crap out of you", "I will honor my vows and promises to you to the best of my ability", etc.). We've had to work a lot on that (the expectations, not the not beating each other up thing), because there were expectations early on in the relationship. The problem was that it put a LOT of pressure on whoever was expected to live up to the expectations, and that pressure led to a lot of stress in the relationship, which was ultimately very damaging and required a good deal of healing.

Certain things are perfectly reasonable to expect. "I want to be monogamous" is reasonable. "I want someone who matches me in all ways" is not. Good example with Tay and me again--when he and I first got together, we were closer to each other as far as our magical practices went; we were both experimentalists, and still had a decent amount of Chaos magic going on. Three years later, he's drifting more and more towards energy work, inner alchemy, and breathwork, while I'm primarily working within my shamanic practice. For a while, he felt hurt because we weren't "on the same level" magically any more; we'd really had a standard of "the magical mate" in our relationship. That, in turn, made me feel guilty about "not holding up my end of the bargain"--in short, not living up to his expectations as to what he thought a magical mate should be. We talked a lot about it, though, and he realized how he was laying his expectations on me--instead of accepting me as I was becoming. Once he realized that, it helped me to further exorcise the stress and guilt of "I'm not meeting his expectations--what's wrong with me?"

That's the thing with long-term relationships--they need to be able to accomodate the changes that each individual involved goes through as s/he gets older. Again, certain agreements need to be respected--but ALL agreements and assumptions needs to be revisited over time. A romantic relationship is not the Two Headed Monster (or three headed or however many headed). It is one of many relationships a person may have, to include the relationship with the self. You may be able to simplify things by being technically monogamous, but in any monogamous pair, there are three relationships--the couples' relationships to each other, and each person's relationship to hirself. That's three relationships that need to be negotiated and balanced.

Look for certain qualities (interested in magic? sex-positive? open to new experiences? Or whatever floats your boat) but also make plenty of room for that person to be an individual, to allow yourself to be an individual, and for your relationship with that person to be its own individual self.

Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing...

[erl_queen]

Good points Lupa. Even if one does find someone who matches all one's criteria, that person IS going to change over time, and hey, one's criteria is probably going to change to a degree as well. So flexibility is definitely important. And to make sure that you're really in love with a person and not a set of qualities that happen to match your own at the moment (which was one of my mistakes in my last relationship).

Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing...

[xi_o_teaz]

and not a set of qualities that happen to match your own at the moment

...well put and duly noted, dear queen.

Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing...

[lupagreenwolf]

*nods* That one's tripped me up more than once, both on the giving and receiving end. I think sometimes people buy too much into the idea that you do most of your changing as a teenager, and then settle into your permanent personality once you become "grown up" in your early twenties. Which, in practice, is just silly.

Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing...

[erl_queen]

Indeed - I am constantly changing in fairly major ways, and I hope that's always the case to some extent, because I always want to be moving forward.

Nope, not at all; Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing...

[xi_o_teaz]

learn to bend and compromise. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of expectations

I like to think that I have few Expectations of my partner. One of my core values is to not try and tell others how to live their life, and the biggest problems I have in relationships isn't with my Expectations of them as much as me not meeting theirs. I'm a pretty damn Accepting individual. Expectations are a subject that I specifically address in my constant internal work.

My abilities of bending & compromising are something that I could definitely use some practice on. Frankly, this is one of my biggest fears with remaining single for so long: the longer I live on my own, with my own rules, the "tighter" I feel my own preferences for living my own life become. This, despite the constant outward Expansion and newness I am always working on (e.g., BBold, et. al.).

"I want someone who matches me in all ways" is not.

I think I should clarify the 4 elemental "matchings". I was talking about knowing myself and having certain basic (criteria?) for a potential partner. I'll give you a few brief examples:

Fire--I highly doubt I'd last long with a self-proclaimed Christian. She would need to be at least accepting of my prolific Magickal Work.

Air--Someone who is dumb as a box of rocks will not last the first date with me.

Water--I will not subject myself to emotional abuse ever again, period. I will not put up with another Rage-aholic.

Physical--I doubt I'd be with someone whom I don't physically arousing.

There are exceptions to every rule, but hopefully this clarifies a bit about what I was talking about in the original post.

instead of accepting me as I was becoming.

I have long said that I'd rather have a partner who is into personal change (actually, this is something I seek out in any partner, although not a "requirement") and far from perfect now, than the perfect partner right now who resists change. I'm not sure that came out right, but I think you get the point.

but ALL agreements and assumptions needs to be revisited over time.

Good call. That's not something I would have consciously thought of, although I'm sure I do it, anyway.

that person to be an individual, to allow yourself to be an individual, and for your relationship with that person to be its own individual self.

This is exactly what I'm talking about in my essay on Animism. "Relationships" always form an additional Individual Entity that needs to have its needs met, too. Speaking of which, I should get back to writing that essay ;-)

Agape!

Re: Nope, not at all; Re: Hope this doesn't come across as lecturing...

[lupagreenwolf]

This makes more sense; I wasn't sure what your element-specific requirements were, but those are pretty sane IMO. So I think we're closer to the same page than I initially thought.