If you guys are in New York and don't go see American Cannibal you're dead to me. Seriously. These guys got a week long reprieve from an untimely death at the box office, so go see it this week. Contact me for the theater and times. yes they are putting me up to this, but the movie is worth watching. So if you want to avoid going on my enemies list ( Read more... )

The heating pipes in my house burst last wed destroying four rooms on three levels ( Read more... )

To combat the glut of survey's on myspace from friends (your boyfriend really doesn't love you, you know. No matter how many times you write it in an internet survey. And I don't care that he was the last person you talked to on the phone with, he was the last person who had my cock in his mouth) I wrote this in between sending nasty emails to ( Read more... )

...And there will come a time when Mike Magnes will triumph in a fiery ball of hatred consuming the entire planet. The wicked, mediocore, Dane Cooks, and Zach Braffs of the world will suffer and die. Global warming will increase as to kill off all those annoying fucking penguins, and Gordon Lish's corpse will be paraded around Brooklyn like Hector' ( Read more... )

Smoking when you have a cold, specifically a sore throat, is not a smart thing to do but it's also one of the satisfying things you can do. I mean. You're already sick. Might as well go with it. Cigarettes have a healing property anyone. It's no secret that tobacco simultaneously cures and causes cancer. Got to balance these things out ( Read more... )

Don't go to three colleges ( Read more... )

The democrats have taken the House, and possibly the senate ( Read more... )

When a heckler wouldn't relent with his "freebird" chanting cudly comedian and all pirate responded with this (for those of you who don't know, Jimmy Shorts was the radio DJ who started the fun idea of having people yell freebird at concerts. The man is more evil than hitler ( Read more... )

So I emailed New England comics, birth publisher of the Tick, a nice cover letter because they were asking for new talent. I mentioned my bizarro superman poems, silent thunder, and that I was amazingly funny. I didn't think I would hear from them. A few hours later I got a set of guidelines for a submission. I don't know how likely it is- even if ( Read more... )

When one types "help me" into google this is the number one result: http://www.helpmeharlan.com/Read more... )