Exactly. If nudity were really so routine to these characters, then they wouldn't keep noting it at every opportunity. Not that I think Neil has the first clue how narrative viewpoint actually works. The fic reads as though he's watching a film and describing what's going on rather than writing a literary narrative.
Thanks for the correction. For some reason I'd not finished that sentence. :o
Very well said, especially on the "reproductive organs" thing. >_< The only squickier and unfortunate implication-y bit, which pretty much seems to serve to say "Girls, don't try to make decisions about having sex or getting abortions on your own. Only men should decide that. If you try to do those things on your own, you're an idiot who will probably get raped". D
( ... )
I meant that Hermione had been pregnant here and miscarried as a result of what happened in the last few chapters. It's what the fake-out refers to. We're meant to think right now that she's dead, only for it to be revealed at the beginning of next chapter that "I did everything I could" referred to that instead. I love how the conversation is so clumsily truncated that there's not even a close quote.
The word "someplace", though not as blatant an Americanism as it used to be (but still enough that Firefox's EN-GB spellchecker doesn't recognise it) still looks a bit out of place here.
"More secondhand characterisation and yet another reminder that she's naked under her robes which is certainly not going to lead to her ETA: losing them at some point. (Thanks [info]otakukeith for spotting the error.) This scene is filler. We know Hermione has been shot but there's no way she's going to die, so it doesn't even work to build tension
( ... )
The entire fic runs on contrived coincidences. The girl who Hermione took pity on just happened to have great magical potential, just happened to have been attacked by the same person who attacked Hermione and just happened to find comfort from a fellow student who just happened to have a magical device that could cure her trauma and just happened to have been attacked by two characters who just happened to become important later in the story? That's why I prefer to think of her consciously manipulating everyone, because that would make more sense.
"They both just stood and took in the beautiful scenery."
'This is all the description it gets.'
Christ. Even the beige prose from MY IMMORTAL was more descriptive than that!! At least when Enoby was out on the grounds before she ran into Draco in Chapter 1, she described the weather as "snowing and raining at the same time." I mean, that evokes an interesting image, at least!
"Jamie turned to leave as Alex took in the view one more time. Then he saw it. “Jamie, what is that over at the bottom of the hill? It looks like a …” Jamie looked in the direction Alex was pointing and before he could get the word out of his mouth, she yelled, “It is!”and began running toward the motionless figure."
It reminds me of Deserving and the glade in the Forbidden Forest. That also got only one sentence of description that merely said it was beautiful, which isn't a description at all but the POV character's opinion.
Comments 31
(The comment has been removed)
Thanks for the correction. For some reason I'd not finished that sentence. :o
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
I don't get it...
Of course, I'm an American, so...
I'm guessing it was because that guy was talking like an American?
Reply
Reply
Reply
Bleh, just wait until the wedding chapters, in which Hermione and Harry probably have the most American wedding Great Britain's ever seen...
Reply
Reply
Reply
'This is all the description it gets.'
Christ. Even the beige prose from MY IMMORTAL was more descriptive than that!! At least when Enoby was out on the grounds before she ran into Draco in Chapter 1, she described the weather as "snowing and raining at the same time." I mean, that evokes an interesting image, at least!
"Jamie turned to leave as Alex took in the view one more time. Then he saw it. “Jamie, what is that over at the bottom of the hill? It looks like a …”
Jamie looked in the direction Alex was pointing and before he could get the word out of his mouth, she yelled, “It is!”and began running toward the motionless figure."
The entire time I read this passage, I couldn't help but listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOUsbtUrXHk
It took a DramaticMoment!Fail and turned it into something awesome...
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment