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External locus of control
When people like me, I feel good about myself. When they don't, I don't. Does anyone really know what it is to see into another person's soul? Does anybody know what it was like to go to school everyday, and be nice, and to have the teacher ask if anyone will work with me? Do we ever change? Does the old pain ever stop being agonizing? I do ( Read more... ) -
Fundamental differences between myself and other people
About six people were hanging out and talking at OCB, and I fundamentally could not relate to them. It was not that I was staff, and they were students. I put myself in no hierarchy at OCB, as I find hierarchy fundamentally divisive and distasteful. However, I knew if I was a student with these people that I would have absolutely no idea what to ( Read more... ) -
Bad idea to say it?
So the relationship advice I read said that it is a bad idea for the woman to say I love you first. I can't tell you why it was so important to me, but it was important for me to give it my all, to put my whole self into it, to express my greatest truth. Maybe it was a terrible idea. I can't tell. But nonetheless, it's done, and I can never ( Read more... ) -
I tried
I do not know if I did the right thing, but at least I tried. He promised not to mock me. I only hope that maybe, just maybe, someday, he can honor my love for the gift that it is, rather than seeing it as burdensome and annoying. I still have some faith and hope, though I am very, very afraid. I took the ultimate risk; that of my heart. I ( Read more... ) -
I told him
So I told him that I loved him today in a note in Braille. He was distracted with his computer problems. I have no idea if he even read the note. But I have tried my best. I have done all I can do. And if he no longer wants anything to do with me, at least I gave it my all. That is all I can do. At least I told him what was in my heart. -
Books
Books will never hurt you like guys will. Books allow me to escape the tyrany of my own pain, and live in someone else's world for a while. Books take me away from myself better than any other escape. Books give me the sweet calm that I cannot find anywhere else. Books have been my friends almost as long as I could walk. Books give me a shadow ( Read more... ) -
Feeling kind of unappreciated
I'm feeling kind of unappreciated by the guys I am with. I know the adage that you're supposed to love yourself for someone else to love you, but I just can't do that. Well, I do love myself, in my own way. I just don't quite know what to do with it. And I can't talk to Sheela or Karen, not really, because they fundamentally don't understand. ( Read more... ) -
I lived
So I was afraid that I would hurt myself, so I was evaluated at a terrible place called John George, where everybody sleeps on mats and the staff gives people Atavan to make them sleep. I'm still confused, though I theoretically know where I stand. I guess I'm glad that I lived, even though I am still in some turmoil. You know, living is not the ( Read more... ) -
Reaching out
I reached out to four people, none of whom either saw, or bothered to respond.
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My options
I can live for Warren or I can end the pain. Even if it gets better, it will always come back. I wish I had a gun, so I could shoot myself in the head; a quick, painless death. But that's selfish. What about my mother? She has Dale, Tracy and Sophia. But she wouldn't have me. I have tried to be unselfish my whole life. You, Dear Reader, are ( Read more... )