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What will happen
I can't do it here. If I fail, I will be deemed unsafe, and will get fired. I have to do it at home, or to save myself, and check myself into a hospital. But why? So I can feel this way again? So I can make the same mistakes over again?
I should stay alive for Warren, but his whole world is Ralph and his delusions. There is no place for me ( Read more... ) -
Redemption
In the end, I want redemption. I want to live. I want it to work out for me. But I see little hope right now. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But I have done everything I am supposed to do. I take my antidepressants everyday. I go to therapy. I work two jobs, to try to be a productive citizen. I got ( Read more... ) -
This feeling
This feeling is so familiar. And I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to go on. I always care more than the other person. And now I've humiliated myself. But I don't care. I had to try. I am only repeating what I have done so many times before, and will do so many times again. I know that Warren cares, but he has Sheela, and they have ( Read more... ) -
Writing
I wish I was a good enough writer to write a novel. The problem is that I am good at writing evocative prose, but not good at showing rather than telling. That makes me less successful in creative writing. I love to write about my feelings, to analyze myself. The words flow out of me like something golden and beautiful. But when it comes to ( Read more... ) -
Reciprocation
All my loving altruism is not as good as it seems. Deep down, I hope that if I love, if I show compassion, if I am merciful that I will get the same in return. The compassion that I show the world is my plea to the universe to receive what I give. Since my belief in God is pretty limited, I call out to Humanity, the one force in which I truly ( Read more... ) -
Sylvia Plath and I
I relate to Sylvia Plath. She is another creative, mad woman. Her poems speak to my experience. Except I cannot use my experience of madness to create something beautiful, though this journal is in a way my attempt at just such a transcendence. Sylvia killed herself in an oven. I could never do anything that painful. No, I would do it very ( Read more... ) -
Affairs of the heart
Affairs of the heart have the power to send me into mind blowing ecstasy or hellacious agony. They are, and perhaps always will be, the center of my universe, the emotional roller coaster on which I swing and teeter. How do I get off that roller coaster? I have no idea, without sacraficing my essential selfhood; my faith in love, my belief in ( Read more... ) -
Guys turning off
Most guys seem to have the ability to simply turn a girl off, to absolutely disengage. It hurts like hell, especially if you have abandonment issues. But I am going to follow his lead, and be just as I should. I have met very few men who did not trigger my abandonment issues in some way.
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Who am I
I want to be both seen as a full, complicated individual, and at the same time appreciated as a sexual being. I want both sides of the split. I want sex and I want love, and I want them with the same person. Sometimes, I want them both at the same time, and sometimes, I want the freedom to be one or the other. Regardless, I want the freedom to be ( Read more... ) -
This journal
If I die, whether it be in a week or fifty years, I want this journal to be read, so that someday, somewhere, someone will see themselves in these pages.