[Fanfiction - The GazettE] Whispers of Children [7/?]
Title: Whispers of Children
Author: sorrowofanangel
Beta: The amazing chinfluffhanaji as always! Pleaseeeee check out her fics too! They're so awesome!! :3
Chapter: 7 of ?
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, boy x boy, schizophrenia
Rating: R
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: Reita comforts Kai as he learns the consequences of Uruha's mental state after the accident.
Notes: Finally got onto this! Gomen for the delay! Rei x Kai centered again... You may be surprised at what unfolds next.. or not? Who knows? *rolls away*
Music: Wanted to Love You, Morphine, Cut Me Open ~ Digital Summer | 余韻 (Yoin) ~ the GazettE |
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) |
*
Kai was cold and shivering underneath my fingers when I led him inside, and he didn’t seem to mind that I had retreated upstairs and found a thick woollen blanket to wrap around his shoulders afterwards. The tea I’d made for him was left untouched and barely steaming on the coffee table in front of him, and as I wrapped an arm around his shoulders once more, sat on my sofa together as we listen to the heavy rain pelting my windows outside, I feared something had happened at the hospital,
“Are you okay?” I asked stupidly, but it was the only thing I could think of to say, Kai’s figure remaining very numb and detached from life itself, it seemed, and he continued to stare vacantly into the space in front of him.
Eventually he shook his head wearily, then took a heavy intake of air before he turned slightly in my direction, though his eyes remained directed towards his knees,
“Uruha woke up.”
It was the way he said it that made me stare at him strangely. He wasn’t happy about that in the slightest, or if he was he really wasn’t making an effort to show it,
“… And?” I asked after a moment’s small silence,
“And that son of a bitch who ran him over turned my boyfriend into a completely different person.” Kai swallows hard, with a small shake of his head and I take the saucer his cup of tea is resting on, offering it to him,
“What happened?” I asked carefully, acknowledging that Kai never swears. Ever. He only used profanities in highly extreme cases and that was sincerely worrying me,
“He didn’t want to know me at first.” Kai started sadly, after he had taken a sip of the tea like I’d urged him to before placing the saucer to rest on his knees, “He asked who I was, where he was, what had happened…” He trailed off with the workings of a laboured breath and I felt it was alright for me to take his hand and squeeze it softly, to which he returned a grateful little smile,
“But then, after I’d filled him in on all the details, it was like he had never forgotten me.” Kai’s eyes sparkled as they met my own at last, and a soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips, though failed to show as something stronger yanked on the imaginary rope his lips were emotionally tied to, and his smile pulled back,
“It was only on Saturday when he started to change.” Kai sniffed and rubbed at the corner of his eye with a fist, though I hadn’t even noticed a tear slip, “I was plumping up his pillows and he pushed me away. Then I took his water to freshen up and he snatched it from my hand and threw it all over me.” Another pause, and his fingers started to tremble against mine,
“It’s alright…” I whispered, sensing his embarrassment at telling me such a thing,
“Things turned worse after that.” Kai told me, very near to tears and I wished there was something more I could do, “He started screaming at me. He told me hated me, that he never wanted to see me again.”
My stomach rejoiced at this news… My soul was disgusted with such a gesture,
“I’ve tried everything.” I watched Kai’s bottom lip tremble and I itch closer to him on the couch, taking the cup of tea from his shaking knees and placing it back on the coffee table; it was probably stone cold now anyway, “I tried talking to him, reasoning with him, even asking him why he suddenly felt this way.”
“Then what?” I whispered, running laps over Kai’s knuckles with my thumb,
“And then he told me I was just getting in the way.” Kai shrugged, his fist dabbing his eyes again as more tears came, “He said he wanted to be alone rather than seeing me day in day out. He said I was only there because I felt guilty about what happened…”
I was horrified that Uruha would say such a thing, “But, Kai it wasn’t like you were driving the car that knocked into him, he had no right to say that!”
Kai winced at my tone but I couldn’t help my anger. When it came to Kai, my defences immediately kicked into gear and I wasn’t ashamed of it. Kai of all people should remember the promise I made when he first started going out with Uruha; that if he should ever hurt him I would kill him. Of course Kai probably saw this as friend-to-friend banter, but to me I was incredibly serious; especially as at the time I was still swimming deep in heartbreak over Kai’s rejection.
Once Uruha is fully recovered, I’m going to make that car crash look like a simple fall in the park,
“But maybe he’s right.” Came the quiet voice in front of me, “Maybe I am just staying there and looking after him because I feel bad about what happened.”
It tore me up inside that I would even mention such a thing, but I had to remind him for pity’s sake,
“But Kai… you love him.”
Poison injected my tongue in such a context,
“I know.” Kai nodded, “But my feelings for him seem far from strong at the moment. All he does is hate me. I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I’m beginning to hate him too.”
I bit my lip gently as I figured out what reassurance I had to offer. When I had none, all I did was squeeze Kai’s hand tighter, only Kai was the one who surprised me as he moved to lean his head against my shoulder, his free hand resting at the middle of my chest.
My heart was beating so fast it hurt, but I felt such warmth resonate at his actions. Tempted to kiss his hair, I hesitantly stopped myself and leant my head against it instead,
“I never thought it would be this hard…” Kai whispers against my T-shirt, the outside rain nearly drowning out his words and the strong emotion laced within them.
I squeezed him tighter to me, nothing to offer him but silence and I stared out the window; having forgotten to close my curtains and I watch the dashes of rain tumble carelessly from the night sky.
I vaguely wondered at the back of my mind if Yuu was still standing outside. If he could see me holding another man and be filled with envy or confusion. Maybe a mixture of both. I could sense, even if the last time we’d set eyes on each other we’d resulted in another argument, that he had grown attached to me. I wouldn’t put it past him that he would stand there in the pouring rain just to play the voyeur in my life. No doubt I’d end up explaining this to him anyway.
My vision even convinces me of a thin figure standing under a street lamp, but I firmly convince myself it’s nothing,
“Kai…” I began softly, “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but everything’s going to get better.”
Kai adjusts his head under my chin and sighs softly, “You’re just saying that.”
“I’m not.” I wrap my arm around him and stroke the soft chocolate strands of his hair, much like I had last week in the hospital; where Uruha was on the brink of death and me and Kai were left alone together, Kai to grieve, me to comfort.
I felt tonight I wasn’t doing a very good job of it; even when this time, Kai had been the one to come to me and not the other way around,
“Uruha’s just in a hard place right now.” I try to reason, though my words feel like lies the moment they leave my lips, “He’s bound to be angry about the accident and what happened to him. That and he’s brain damaged, Kai, he’s not thinking straight. He’s bound to have mood swings and spells of depression… you remember what that doctor said right -?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Kai said suddenly, cutting me off,
“Kai…” I said sadly, and his head inches back to stare up at me; once again red and sore and I notice my T-shirt had dampened slightly,
“I said I don’t want to talk about him.” Kai whispers to me, “I’m so sick and tired of it all, Aki. I hate everything to do with this God damn accident.”
I watch him with woeful eyes as he tears himself away from my chest and places his head in his hands, rubbing his palms over his eyes again and again, as though he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
I knew my assumption was most likely correct,
“I’ve just… I’ve just had enough!” He cries at me, “I’ve had enough of everything and I just want it all to stop…”
I’m a little startled, and saddened, by what I hear, and it takes me a minute before I know I need to take Kai into my arms again. It was the one thing I couldn’t bear to see him go through and even though I was here, the only one able to try and fix this, to be there for him, it splintered my heart to miniscule pieces,
“I know.” I soothe, wrapping my arms around Kai’s poor, fragile form, and he lets the sobs working up inside him release against me as he feels my touch against his, “I’ve got you, it’s okay.”
Kai clings to me again, pressing his face tight into my shoulder and I let him cry softly. Such heartbreaking sounds I detested the very sound of, and I felt my insides tear with each one that came and passed,
“W-Why are you being so nice to me?” Kai blurts out after a while, pulling back a little so he could look at me; with sore eyes that softened in the glow of the overhead light shining on the ceiling of my living room, “Aki, I’ve treated you so badly and yet… here you are, taking care of me, sorting out all the shit in my life, and I can’t even do the same for you -“
“Shhh...” I murmur as his words start to trip up over themselves, “Kai, it’s okay. I know you never meant to treat me like that, you’ve been through a lot lately.”
Kai’s head slants to the side and he looks at me helplessly, “But I -“
“- I will never stop caring about you.” I tell him sternly, “No matter what you say or do… no matter what happens Kai, I will always be here for you. You know that.”
Something in the way Kai looks at me changes. I can pinpoint his stare boring into my own in that same caring way they always have… only not quite like this.
Surely I knew I wasn’t imagining it, and I can only watch as his dark pupils scroll gently across my form, like he was searching for something. His fingertips were still loosely clinging to the unbuttoned sleeves of my shirt and Kai pressed his lips tight together as he let his hands stroke my arms up and down; shyly thanking me in his own way even if he wasn’t sure how to say it.
Oh sweetheart… I thought internally, staring morosely at this, once beautiful, display of vulnerability before me. I knew Kai was fighting with himself inside, over something he wasn’t quite sure how to win but knew that he was losing by a great margin.
I cursed Uruha’s soul for ever letting Kai sink into his own bottomless well of atrophy. I even cursed the careless fuck who smashed into his car to begin with. I wished I could rewind time, do anything to save Kai from feeling like this,
“I-I’m sorry for all this.” Kai whimpers suddenly in front of me, sniffing as he stares at my chest, though simultaneously into nothing in particular. In my own mind, I imagined his current world painted in nothing more than black and white,
“Don’t be.” I whisper, stroking his shoulder gently, “Listen, why don’t I go and run you a bath, hm? You can get out of those clothes and you can borrow some spare ones of mine and stay the night.” I offer him with a small smile, though for once, my intention was far from the romantic pursuit I had always dreamt of.
I didn’t stop to question why, though I knew I had to put everything I felt aside for this man. I was willing to be whatever he needed me to be, and tonight he just needed someone to look after him. Just as he’s been looking after me.
I would do anything to make this right.
*
I waited patiently downstairs while Kai took his bath, imperviously flicking through TV channels though not paying any kind of attention to the screen.
I couldn’t help but think about Kai. He had uncharacteristically sat silent while I ran his bath, adding extra bubble bath and bringing in a small stereo with a number of CD’s I knew he liked in an attempt to try and get him to relax. I tried talking to him softly, about little things, anything I could think of without mentioning Uruha’s name or the horrible incidents that had taken over our lives this past week or so; but sadly, and as predicted, to little avail.
I could only leave him alone with the damaging space of his own thoughts and feelings, and I hoped he’d be alright. He’d stopped crying at least, and he merely sat on the toilet lid with his chin propped in his hands and his eyes distant as he stared vacantly into the bathtub and the clear water running into it. I wondered if he was wishing that his mind could be as clear and clean as the scene before him, instead of all this mess tainting every thought process he consumed.
I sighed and propped the remote on the couch cushion next to me, hearing the faint sound of music erupting from the bathroom and I was thankful Kai had at least tried to lose himself in some sort of serenity… no matter how small it was.
I decided to close my curtains too, and I couldn’t help but let my eyes sweep the length of the street before the drapes met in the middle. I knew what, or rather who, I was searching for but found nothing. Nothing but a scene of darkness and the dim, uninviting glows of street lamps. The neighbourhood seemed empty somehow… not quite living yet not awake either.
Though it wasn’t all that late at night, most windows of the houses were drowned in darkness and a sense of a chill set its icy hands down the base of my spine.
Dark times were upon us for sure…
I heard Kai’s tentative footsteps on the stairs around half an hour later, and the way he walked back into the living room was a sad and defeated walk; on pairs of feet that were tired of treading on dark waters,
“Hey.” I tried chirpily, putting on my best smile, “Feel any better?”
He’d dressed himself in the clothes I’d left out for him; a cream coloured t-shirt and a pair of grey slacks that were a little too long for him, the remaining material trailing along the floor past his ankles,
“A little.” Kai nodded in a small voice, the white towel I’d given him still draped across his shoulders and his tousled hair left to dry naturally,
“Here…” I began, taking the corners of it as he seated himself beside me, “Your hair’s still wet.”
Kai automatically lowered his head as I laid the towel over the back of it and started to ruffle the damp strands of his beautiful hair gently. I watched my fingers glide over the towel in small circles and hoped that it was somehow soothing him too,
“There we are…” I whispered, laying the towel gently around his shoulders again and pushing back the still-damp chocolate strands of his hair out of his eyes.
I didn’t expect them to look so unnatural when they met my gaze again. That emotional knife sliced through me again, and I felt every cut as though they were real. Kai’s authentic dark eyes had suddenly morphed into something of…
Well that was just it. Despite knowing Kai for years now and the characteristics he held dear, the trigger in such a drastic change in his expression was completely lost to me.
Was he angry? Did I do something wrong?
My mind touched on the point that maybe that internal space of his own thoughts had been more damaging than I’d initially suspected. Sat alone in a bath for an hour, soaking in nothing but scented bubbles and his own company; his thoughts were bound to drift weren’t they? Heaven knows I’ve experienced it too many a time.
I can’t hold Kai’s gaze for long as it unsettles me deeply, letting my eyelids lower to our knees; noting how close in proximity our hands were. My index finger could almost brush the edge of Kai’s little one and my stomach jumped in secretive delight,
“Aki…” Kai said at last, in no more than a monotone whisper,
Yes, my love..? “Mm?”
“You know I…” Kai itches closer, and our hips bump together on the cushions. To my own surprise, I lean back from him on impulse, my heart racing as though I’d ran a marathon, “I… really don’t think I could get through this without you.”
I try to control my breathing; having Kai so close to me was tiptoeing on the tolerance of my sanity. I could feel his breath feather my neck softly. My nose inhaled the deep, combined scent of his cologne and bubble bath… the heat radiating from his torso against the ribs of mine,
“…And I wouldn’t want you to.” I manage, my tongue a dry lump at the bottom of my mouth, and the other obstruction sitting rigidly in my throat made no signs of shifting either.
Kai sighs and tilts his head to the side gently, diverting his gaze past my shoulder and into the kitchen,
“But look at what I’m doing to you…”
I froze and felt my heart pace quicken; part of me wanted to lay a hand over my chest as a reaction but knew that would be a very bad move right now.
Why was Kai suddenly being like this?
“I mean here you are...” Kai started to explain, his voice still very monotone, “… Letting me stay the night, running me baths and making me tea in the middle of the night; looking after me like I’m the most important person in the world to you -“ Kai cuts himself off abruptly as he glances at me, a little guiltily as he knows his own words are true; yet he still looks to me for confirmation on the fact.
I think about getting up and walking around to relieve myself of the stiffness suddenly gripping my legs, the direction this conversation was heading had started to scare my inner conscience beyond belief. I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear what he wanted to say next.
At the same time I longed for it,
“… I bet you were glad when Uruha ended up in that hospital, right?”
The words weren’t cold… or angry. He just said them to me like he was reading a book out loud; in general terms that book was in fact myself; and he was reading me as clear as day,
“Kai… Don’t…” I start,
“Don’t what?” He looks at me, almost sadly, “I’m here. With you. My best friend, the closest person I have to me right now and you’ve sat here and comforted me as I cry over the man I love and the one you hate…”
I feel hot specks of sweat start to prick against my neck,
“You still hate him for that very reason don’t you?” Kai whispers, his eyes fixed firmly on me and I smooth my hands around my neck, picking up the wetness that’s gathering there,
“Kai, come on. Stop it.” I force myself to say sternly, “Where is this coming from? Look, you’re upset, I know.” I frustrate myself with how my words aren’t making much sense and my shaky fingers touch his shoulder, “Come on, let’s just get you to bed, hm? Everything will feel better in the morning…”
Kai stares at me a moment before his expression crumbles and he nods, wiping his face with his hand before he stands up and wanders a little shakily to the window. Kai rests his hands on his hips and I watch his shoulders tremble, taking a moment to process what I’d just heard.
I really wondered if my feelings towards Kai hadn’t been all that well-hidden after all, though I tried to convince myself not to think about it. Kai was the one who was hurting here and this wasn’t the time for me to look for the same sort of attention.
But I can’t help staring deep into my friend’s back with hollow eyes glazed in thought; a very strange sense of realisation settling on my shoulders. I watch Kai cup his face in his hands and I hear the delicate sounds of Kai sniffling into his palms, probably trying to calm himself down.
Such a destination seemed so far from reach though. For the both of us.
*
Spying through the crack of the door of the guest bedroom, I felt I was filling Yuu’s shoes; though subjected to such voyeurism myself, I wasn’t the least bit entertained.
Alone in the small 3/4 size bed pushed to the far side of the room, Kai’s form was wrapped tight in his bed sheets; the dark shadows of the night rolling over his body like grains of sand in a storm.
Though he tried to keep his cries quiet, like an innocent child after a strong scolding, I couldn’t help but catch the heartbreaking echoes of them drift one by one downstairs until I hadn’t been able to take anymore. I’d made my way upstairs to see if he was okay, but as I was about to enter I was suddenly overcome with shyness and at a loss of what to say. Which is exactly how I had ended up inadvertently spying on him like this.
With Kai’s gentle sobbing acting as my mental countdown, I too-near frantically wondered what I should do.
Hold him? Make him some more tea?
Once again I was stuck in that irritating loop of helplessness and somehow the lustful side of me drew my attention to the fact that Kai was bare-chested under those bed sheets.
I shake my head; what on earth was wrong with me? I claim to be this man’s best friend and though I am completely in love with him, he needs me to comfort him right now; not scour my perverse eyes over his body like some inane stalker.
His back turned to me, I could see even in this dull light that his shoulders hadn’t stopped shaking and Kai pressed his head tighter to the pillow under his head. At the same time I leaned my own against the doorframe, sorrowfully watching the consequence of these horrible turns of events evolve before me. Inside myself I felt defeated that all efforts to keep Kai from feeling this way had ended in vain and still, after everything I’d done, he still felt he had to cry himself to sleep.
I absolutely couldn’t stand to witness it. At the same time, what more was there I could do to help?
I sighed heavily, my fingers drumming against the doorframe quietly and more of Kai’s soft cries echoed across the room, continuing to break me as my ears took in their silent pleads for help.
Oh Kai… tell me what to do.
“Aki… Quick! Run and hide!!”
I squeeze my eyes shut. Of all the fucking times you have to show up…
I’d do anything to make this right.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was stepping inside the guest bedroom and closing the door shut behind me, my mind screaming at me to leave this well alone but I already knew that was impossible.
Kai remained still, with his back towards me and I was satisfied he hadn’t heard me as I crossed the room towards his vulnerable form hidden underneath that duvet. I vaguely took in the minor chaos I had left this room in on moving day; the numbers of empty boxes hidden under a sheet in one corner, with several photo frames scattered among high shelves on the wall adjacent to the bed; only placed there because I had nowhere else to put them.
Among the clutter, whether it was from Kai’s abnormal presence or mine, this room suddenly felt like a jigsaw of my leftover delusion. The photographs of family members I’d rather hide away here than present them proudly in the rest of my home with the others.
For me and Kai both, this was our secret safe for the aspects of our lives we chose to leave out of normality, and such a purpose had me suppressing a chill as I lifted Kai’s bed sheets and slid into bed beside him.
He still didn’t move; though I knew he must have noticed my presence by now, and his cries continue to erupt quietly as I surround myself in the warmth he’d built in this subdued nest of his.
Kai’s body temperature truly was a wonderful kind of heat; and I inhaled the scent of freshly washed covers and the bubble bath still present on Kai’s skin.
I hesitated a moment behind him before, after listening to another muffled sob, my arm came to fold around his waist and I found the hand resting near his face to grip it tightly.
I didn’t say anything, but Kai collapsed into cries that grew in volume as soon as the tips of his fingers folded back around my own and he knew I’d granted him permission to lay it all on me. My chin rested on his bare shoulder and I made sure to keep my hips a safe distance from his own, still unsure of how my body would react to such a situation.
But how I’d longed to hold Kai in bed like this, even if my body was now trembling with the force of Kai’s sadness. The longer I held him, I knew all words I had to offer were beyond the realm of consolation, and my hands had more knowledge of what to do than my own mind did. Whilst Kai was gripping my hand tight, my other arm slid out of the duvet to curl above the top of Kai’s head, my wrist folding inwards to pat the strands of Kai’s sleek hair.
Lost in the moment, my lips met the tepid skin of Kai’s shoulder. Then again… Until I was certain it would lead to danger and my head ended up nestled tightly against the side of Kai’s hair to comfort him, folding my body out even more as something below my abdomen began to get excited.
It took a while, but Kai eventually shuffled around to face me, his face scourged with tears shining ominously in the moonlight and I caught his expression conveying a pleading message to me;
Please help me…
My arms instinctively wrapped around him as his head met the centre of my chest and he took a calming breath against it, until he turned his cheek and I felt him return my hug harder.
But then a pair of hands were sliding underneath my shirt… a leg intertwined with my own.
Surely I’d fallen asleep… catching Kai’s watering eyes stare up into my own, with such dark demeanour that drew me nearer and nearer to his lips, brushing the wads of flesh that tasted and held the touch of velvet in the depths of my imagination.
This has to be a dream…
I felt Kai’s warm palm mould around the shape of my cheek and the tips of our noses brushed as he pressed us closer. I felt the cold wetness of Kai’s tears invading my own skin as our cheeks met and I was certain I was deluded. This couldn’t be happening, the one thing I have longed for my entire life surely wasn’t unfolding in front of me now…?
Kai’s hollow voice whispered my name among the heat surrounding our defeated souls, embracing me in shivers the moment I felt it and I knew that there was nothing to hold me back now.
Kai was already there with that surprise, stroking the small of my back as I felt his sweet pair of lips come to welcome my own. Finally…
Finally having Kai kiss me had been the sweetest taste of perfection I had ever known.
*
A/N: Thoughts dearies? :3 Trust me, I may deserve to be shot haha! But but but! This imagination isn't done with these two yet! And Yuu is about to make an explosive comeback! Stay tuuuuuuuuuuuuuned!!! *rolls away* <333
Author: sorrowofanangel
Beta: The amazing chinfluffhanaji as always! Pleaseeeee check out her fics too! They're so awesome!! :3
Chapter: 7 of ?
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, boy x boy, schizophrenia
Rating: R
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: Reita comforts Kai as he learns the consequences of Uruha's mental state after the accident.
Notes: Finally got onto this! Gomen for the delay! Rei x Kai centered again... You may be surprised at what unfolds next.. or not? Who knows? *rolls away*
Music: Wanted to Love You, Morphine, Cut Me Open ~ Digital Summer | 余韻 (Yoin) ~ the GazettE |
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) |
*
Kai was cold and shivering underneath my fingers when I led him inside, and he didn’t seem to mind that I had retreated upstairs and found a thick woollen blanket to wrap around his shoulders afterwards. The tea I’d made for him was left untouched and barely steaming on the coffee table in front of him, and as I wrapped an arm around his shoulders once more, sat on my sofa together as we listen to the heavy rain pelting my windows outside, I feared something had happened at the hospital,
“Are you okay?” I asked stupidly, but it was the only thing I could think of to say, Kai’s figure remaining very numb and detached from life itself, it seemed, and he continued to stare vacantly into the space in front of him.
Eventually he shook his head wearily, then took a heavy intake of air before he turned slightly in my direction, though his eyes remained directed towards his knees,
“Uruha woke up.”
It was the way he said it that made me stare at him strangely. He wasn’t happy about that in the slightest, or if he was he really wasn’t making an effort to show it,
“… And?” I asked after a moment’s small silence,
“And that son of a bitch who ran him over turned my boyfriend into a completely different person.” Kai swallows hard, with a small shake of his head and I take the saucer his cup of tea is resting on, offering it to him,
“What happened?” I asked carefully, acknowledging that Kai never swears. Ever. He only used profanities in highly extreme cases and that was sincerely worrying me,
“He didn’t want to know me at first.” Kai started sadly, after he had taken a sip of the tea like I’d urged him to before placing the saucer to rest on his knees, “He asked who I was, where he was, what had happened…” He trailed off with the workings of a laboured breath and I felt it was alright for me to take his hand and squeeze it softly, to which he returned a grateful little smile,
“But then, after I’d filled him in on all the details, it was like he had never forgotten me.” Kai’s eyes sparkled as they met my own at last, and a soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips, though failed to show as something stronger yanked on the imaginary rope his lips were emotionally tied to, and his smile pulled back,
“It was only on Saturday when he started to change.” Kai sniffed and rubbed at the corner of his eye with a fist, though I hadn’t even noticed a tear slip, “I was plumping up his pillows and he pushed me away. Then I took his water to freshen up and he snatched it from my hand and threw it all over me.” Another pause, and his fingers started to tremble against mine,
“It’s alright…” I whispered, sensing his embarrassment at telling me such a thing,
“Things turned worse after that.” Kai told me, very near to tears and I wished there was something more I could do, “He started screaming at me. He told me hated me, that he never wanted to see me again.”
My stomach rejoiced at this news… My soul was disgusted with such a gesture,
“I’ve tried everything.” I watched Kai’s bottom lip tremble and I itch closer to him on the couch, taking the cup of tea from his shaking knees and placing it back on the coffee table; it was probably stone cold now anyway, “I tried talking to him, reasoning with him, even asking him why he suddenly felt this way.”
“Then what?” I whispered, running laps over Kai’s knuckles with my thumb,
“And then he told me I was just getting in the way.” Kai shrugged, his fist dabbing his eyes again as more tears came, “He said he wanted to be alone rather than seeing me day in day out. He said I was only there because I felt guilty about what happened…”
I was horrified that Uruha would say such a thing, “But, Kai it wasn’t like you were driving the car that knocked into him, he had no right to say that!”
Kai winced at my tone but I couldn’t help my anger. When it came to Kai, my defences immediately kicked into gear and I wasn’t ashamed of it. Kai of all people should remember the promise I made when he first started going out with Uruha; that if he should ever hurt him I would kill him. Of course Kai probably saw this as friend-to-friend banter, but to me I was incredibly serious; especially as at the time I was still swimming deep in heartbreak over Kai’s rejection.
Once Uruha is fully recovered, I’m going to make that car crash look like a simple fall in the park,
“But maybe he’s right.” Came the quiet voice in front of me, “Maybe I am just staying there and looking after him because I feel bad about what happened.”
It tore me up inside that I would even mention such a thing, but I had to remind him for pity’s sake,
“But Kai… you love him.”
Poison injected my tongue in such a context,
“I know.” Kai nodded, “But my feelings for him seem far from strong at the moment. All he does is hate me. I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I’m beginning to hate him too.”
I bit my lip gently as I figured out what reassurance I had to offer. When I had none, all I did was squeeze Kai’s hand tighter, only Kai was the one who surprised me as he moved to lean his head against my shoulder, his free hand resting at the middle of my chest.
My heart was beating so fast it hurt, but I felt such warmth resonate at his actions. Tempted to kiss his hair, I hesitantly stopped myself and leant my head against it instead,
“I never thought it would be this hard…” Kai whispers against my T-shirt, the outside rain nearly drowning out his words and the strong emotion laced within them.
I squeezed him tighter to me, nothing to offer him but silence and I stared out the window; having forgotten to close my curtains and I watch the dashes of rain tumble carelessly from the night sky.
I vaguely wondered at the back of my mind if Yuu was still standing outside. If he could see me holding another man and be filled with envy or confusion. Maybe a mixture of both. I could sense, even if the last time we’d set eyes on each other we’d resulted in another argument, that he had grown attached to me. I wouldn’t put it past him that he would stand there in the pouring rain just to play the voyeur in my life. No doubt I’d end up explaining this to him anyway.
My vision even convinces me of a thin figure standing under a street lamp, but I firmly convince myself it’s nothing,
“Kai…” I began softly, “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but everything’s going to get better.”
Kai adjusts his head under my chin and sighs softly, “You’re just saying that.”
“I’m not.” I wrap my arm around him and stroke the soft chocolate strands of his hair, much like I had last week in the hospital; where Uruha was on the brink of death and me and Kai were left alone together, Kai to grieve, me to comfort.
I felt tonight I wasn’t doing a very good job of it; even when this time, Kai had been the one to come to me and not the other way around,
“Uruha’s just in a hard place right now.” I try to reason, though my words feel like lies the moment they leave my lips, “He’s bound to be angry about the accident and what happened to him. That and he’s brain damaged, Kai, he’s not thinking straight. He’s bound to have mood swings and spells of depression… you remember what that doctor said right -?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Kai said suddenly, cutting me off,
“Kai…” I said sadly, and his head inches back to stare up at me; once again red and sore and I notice my T-shirt had dampened slightly,
“I said I don’t want to talk about him.” Kai whispers to me, “I’m so sick and tired of it all, Aki. I hate everything to do with this God damn accident.”
I watch him with woeful eyes as he tears himself away from my chest and places his head in his hands, rubbing his palms over his eyes again and again, as though he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
I knew my assumption was most likely correct,
“I’ve just… I’ve just had enough!” He cries at me, “I’ve had enough of everything and I just want it all to stop…”
I’m a little startled, and saddened, by what I hear, and it takes me a minute before I know I need to take Kai into my arms again. It was the one thing I couldn’t bear to see him go through and even though I was here, the only one able to try and fix this, to be there for him, it splintered my heart to miniscule pieces,
“I know.” I soothe, wrapping my arms around Kai’s poor, fragile form, and he lets the sobs working up inside him release against me as he feels my touch against his, “I’ve got you, it’s okay.”
Kai clings to me again, pressing his face tight into my shoulder and I let him cry softly. Such heartbreaking sounds I detested the very sound of, and I felt my insides tear with each one that came and passed,
“W-Why are you being so nice to me?” Kai blurts out after a while, pulling back a little so he could look at me; with sore eyes that softened in the glow of the overhead light shining on the ceiling of my living room, “Aki, I’ve treated you so badly and yet… here you are, taking care of me, sorting out all the shit in my life, and I can’t even do the same for you -“
“Shhh...” I murmur as his words start to trip up over themselves, “Kai, it’s okay. I know you never meant to treat me like that, you’ve been through a lot lately.”
Kai’s head slants to the side and he looks at me helplessly, “But I -“
“- I will never stop caring about you.” I tell him sternly, “No matter what you say or do… no matter what happens Kai, I will always be here for you. You know that.”
Something in the way Kai looks at me changes. I can pinpoint his stare boring into my own in that same caring way they always have… only not quite like this.
Surely I knew I wasn’t imagining it, and I can only watch as his dark pupils scroll gently across my form, like he was searching for something. His fingertips were still loosely clinging to the unbuttoned sleeves of my shirt and Kai pressed his lips tight together as he let his hands stroke my arms up and down; shyly thanking me in his own way even if he wasn’t sure how to say it.
Oh sweetheart… I thought internally, staring morosely at this, once beautiful, display of vulnerability before me. I knew Kai was fighting with himself inside, over something he wasn’t quite sure how to win but knew that he was losing by a great margin.
I cursed Uruha’s soul for ever letting Kai sink into his own bottomless well of atrophy. I even cursed the careless fuck who smashed into his car to begin with. I wished I could rewind time, do anything to save Kai from feeling like this,
“I-I’m sorry for all this.” Kai whimpers suddenly in front of me, sniffing as he stares at my chest, though simultaneously into nothing in particular. In my own mind, I imagined his current world painted in nothing more than black and white,
“Don’t be.” I whisper, stroking his shoulder gently, “Listen, why don’t I go and run you a bath, hm? You can get out of those clothes and you can borrow some spare ones of mine and stay the night.” I offer him with a small smile, though for once, my intention was far from the romantic pursuit I had always dreamt of.
I didn’t stop to question why, though I knew I had to put everything I felt aside for this man. I was willing to be whatever he needed me to be, and tonight he just needed someone to look after him. Just as he’s been looking after me.
I would do anything to make this right.
*
I waited patiently downstairs while Kai took his bath, imperviously flicking through TV channels though not paying any kind of attention to the screen.
I couldn’t help but think about Kai. He had uncharacteristically sat silent while I ran his bath, adding extra bubble bath and bringing in a small stereo with a number of CD’s I knew he liked in an attempt to try and get him to relax. I tried talking to him softly, about little things, anything I could think of without mentioning Uruha’s name or the horrible incidents that had taken over our lives this past week or so; but sadly, and as predicted, to little avail.
I could only leave him alone with the damaging space of his own thoughts and feelings, and I hoped he’d be alright. He’d stopped crying at least, and he merely sat on the toilet lid with his chin propped in his hands and his eyes distant as he stared vacantly into the bathtub and the clear water running into it. I wondered if he was wishing that his mind could be as clear and clean as the scene before him, instead of all this mess tainting every thought process he consumed.
I sighed and propped the remote on the couch cushion next to me, hearing the faint sound of music erupting from the bathroom and I was thankful Kai had at least tried to lose himself in some sort of serenity… no matter how small it was.
I decided to close my curtains too, and I couldn’t help but let my eyes sweep the length of the street before the drapes met in the middle. I knew what, or rather who, I was searching for but found nothing. Nothing but a scene of darkness and the dim, uninviting glows of street lamps. The neighbourhood seemed empty somehow… not quite living yet not awake either.
Though it wasn’t all that late at night, most windows of the houses were drowned in darkness and a sense of a chill set its icy hands down the base of my spine.
Dark times were upon us for sure…
I heard Kai’s tentative footsteps on the stairs around half an hour later, and the way he walked back into the living room was a sad and defeated walk; on pairs of feet that were tired of treading on dark waters,
“Hey.” I tried chirpily, putting on my best smile, “Feel any better?”
He’d dressed himself in the clothes I’d left out for him; a cream coloured t-shirt and a pair of grey slacks that were a little too long for him, the remaining material trailing along the floor past his ankles,
“A little.” Kai nodded in a small voice, the white towel I’d given him still draped across his shoulders and his tousled hair left to dry naturally,
“Here…” I began, taking the corners of it as he seated himself beside me, “Your hair’s still wet.”
Kai automatically lowered his head as I laid the towel over the back of it and started to ruffle the damp strands of his beautiful hair gently. I watched my fingers glide over the towel in small circles and hoped that it was somehow soothing him too,
“There we are…” I whispered, laying the towel gently around his shoulders again and pushing back the still-damp chocolate strands of his hair out of his eyes.
I didn’t expect them to look so unnatural when they met my gaze again. That emotional knife sliced through me again, and I felt every cut as though they were real. Kai’s authentic dark eyes had suddenly morphed into something of…
Well that was just it. Despite knowing Kai for years now and the characteristics he held dear, the trigger in such a drastic change in his expression was completely lost to me.
Was he angry? Did I do something wrong?
My mind touched on the point that maybe that internal space of his own thoughts had been more damaging than I’d initially suspected. Sat alone in a bath for an hour, soaking in nothing but scented bubbles and his own company; his thoughts were bound to drift weren’t they? Heaven knows I’ve experienced it too many a time.
I can’t hold Kai’s gaze for long as it unsettles me deeply, letting my eyelids lower to our knees; noting how close in proximity our hands were. My index finger could almost brush the edge of Kai’s little one and my stomach jumped in secretive delight,
“Aki…” Kai said at last, in no more than a monotone whisper,
Yes, my love..? “Mm?”
“You know I…” Kai itches closer, and our hips bump together on the cushions. To my own surprise, I lean back from him on impulse, my heart racing as though I’d ran a marathon, “I… really don’t think I could get through this without you.”
I try to control my breathing; having Kai so close to me was tiptoeing on the tolerance of my sanity. I could feel his breath feather my neck softly. My nose inhaled the deep, combined scent of his cologne and bubble bath… the heat radiating from his torso against the ribs of mine,
“…And I wouldn’t want you to.” I manage, my tongue a dry lump at the bottom of my mouth, and the other obstruction sitting rigidly in my throat made no signs of shifting either.
Kai sighs and tilts his head to the side gently, diverting his gaze past my shoulder and into the kitchen,
“But look at what I’m doing to you…”
I froze and felt my heart pace quicken; part of me wanted to lay a hand over my chest as a reaction but knew that would be a very bad move right now.
Why was Kai suddenly being like this?
“I mean here you are...” Kai started to explain, his voice still very monotone, “… Letting me stay the night, running me baths and making me tea in the middle of the night; looking after me like I’m the most important person in the world to you -“ Kai cuts himself off abruptly as he glances at me, a little guiltily as he knows his own words are true; yet he still looks to me for confirmation on the fact.
I think about getting up and walking around to relieve myself of the stiffness suddenly gripping my legs, the direction this conversation was heading had started to scare my inner conscience beyond belief. I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear what he wanted to say next.
At the same time I longed for it,
“… I bet you were glad when Uruha ended up in that hospital, right?”
The words weren’t cold… or angry. He just said them to me like he was reading a book out loud; in general terms that book was in fact myself; and he was reading me as clear as day,
“Kai… Don’t…” I start,
“Don’t what?” He looks at me, almost sadly, “I’m here. With you. My best friend, the closest person I have to me right now and you’ve sat here and comforted me as I cry over the man I love and the one you hate…”
I feel hot specks of sweat start to prick against my neck,
“You still hate him for that very reason don’t you?” Kai whispers, his eyes fixed firmly on me and I smooth my hands around my neck, picking up the wetness that’s gathering there,
“Kai, come on. Stop it.” I force myself to say sternly, “Where is this coming from? Look, you’re upset, I know.” I frustrate myself with how my words aren’t making much sense and my shaky fingers touch his shoulder, “Come on, let’s just get you to bed, hm? Everything will feel better in the morning…”
Kai stares at me a moment before his expression crumbles and he nods, wiping his face with his hand before he stands up and wanders a little shakily to the window. Kai rests his hands on his hips and I watch his shoulders tremble, taking a moment to process what I’d just heard.
I really wondered if my feelings towards Kai hadn’t been all that well-hidden after all, though I tried to convince myself not to think about it. Kai was the one who was hurting here and this wasn’t the time for me to look for the same sort of attention.
But I can’t help staring deep into my friend’s back with hollow eyes glazed in thought; a very strange sense of realisation settling on my shoulders. I watch Kai cup his face in his hands and I hear the delicate sounds of Kai sniffling into his palms, probably trying to calm himself down.
Such a destination seemed so far from reach though. For the both of us.
*
Spying through the crack of the door of the guest bedroom, I felt I was filling Yuu’s shoes; though subjected to such voyeurism myself, I wasn’t the least bit entertained.
Alone in the small 3/4 size bed pushed to the far side of the room, Kai’s form was wrapped tight in his bed sheets; the dark shadows of the night rolling over his body like grains of sand in a storm.
Though he tried to keep his cries quiet, like an innocent child after a strong scolding, I couldn’t help but catch the heartbreaking echoes of them drift one by one downstairs until I hadn’t been able to take anymore. I’d made my way upstairs to see if he was okay, but as I was about to enter I was suddenly overcome with shyness and at a loss of what to say. Which is exactly how I had ended up inadvertently spying on him like this.
With Kai’s gentle sobbing acting as my mental countdown, I too-near frantically wondered what I should do.
Hold him? Make him some more tea?
Once again I was stuck in that irritating loop of helplessness and somehow the lustful side of me drew my attention to the fact that Kai was bare-chested under those bed sheets.
I shake my head; what on earth was wrong with me? I claim to be this man’s best friend and though I am completely in love with him, he needs me to comfort him right now; not scour my perverse eyes over his body like some inane stalker.
His back turned to me, I could see even in this dull light that his shoulders hadn’t stopped shaking and Kai pressed his head tighter to the pillow under his head. At the same time I leaned my own against the doorframe, sorrowfully watching the consequence of these horrible turns of events evolve before me. Inside myself I felt defeated that all efforts to keep Kai from feeling this way had ended in vain and still, after everything I’d done, he still felt he had to cry himself to sleep.
I absolutely couldn’t stand to witness it. At the same time, what more was there I could do to help?
I sighed heavily, my fingers drumming against the doorframe quietly and more of Kai’s soft cries echoed across the room, continuing to break me as my ears took in their silent pleads for help.
Oh Kai… tell me what to do.
“Aki… Quick! Run and hide!!”
I squeeze my eyes shut. Of all the fucking times you have to show up…
I’d do anything to make this right.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was stepping inside the guest bedroom and closing the door shut behind me, my mind screaming at me to leave this well alone but I already knew that was impossible.
Kai remained still, with his back towards me and I was satisfied he hadn’t heard me as I crossed the room towards his vulnerable form hidden underneath that duvet. I vaguely took in the minor chaos I had left this room in on moving day; the numbers of empty boxes hidden under a sheet in one corner, with several photo frames scattered among high shelves on the wall adjacent to the bed; only placed there because I had nowhere else to put them.
Among the clutter, whether it was from Kai’s abnormal presence or mine, this room suddenly felt like a jigsaw of my leftover delusion. The photographs of family members I’d rather hide away here than present them proudly in the rest of my home with the others.
For me and Kai both, this was our secret safe for the aspects of our lives we chose to leave out of normality, and such a purpose had me suppressing a chill as I lifted Kai’s bed sheets and slid into bed beside him.
He still didn’t move; though I knew he must have noticed my presence by now, and his cries continue to erupt quietly as I surround myself in the warmth he’d built in this subdued nest of his.
Kai’s body temperature truly was a wonderful kind of heat; and I inhaled the scent of freshly washed covers and the bubble bath still present on Kai’s skin.
I hesitated a moment behind him before, after listening to another muffled sob, my arm came to fold around his waist and I found the hand resting near his face to grip it tightly.
I didn’t say anything, but Kai collapsed into cries that grew in volume as soon as the tips of his fingers folded back around my own and he knew I’d granted him permission to lay it all on me. My chin rested on his bare shoulder and I made sure to keep my hips a safe distance from his own, still unsure of how my body would react to such a situation.
But how I’d longed to hold Kai in bed like this, even if my body was now trembling with the force of Kai’s sadness. The longer I held him, I knew all words I had to offer were beyond the realm of consolation, and my hands had more knowledge of what to do than my own mind did. Whilst Kai was gripping my hand tight, my other arm slid out of the duvet to curl above the top of Kai’s head, my wrist folding inwards to pat the strands of Kai’s sleek hair.
Lost in the moment, my lips met the tepid skin of Kai’s shoulder. Then again… Until I was certain it would lead to danger and my head ended up nestled tightly against the side of Kai’s hair to comfort him, folding my body out even more as something below my abdomen began to get excited.
It took a while, but Kai eventually shuffled around to face me, his face scourged with tears shining ominously in the moonlight and I caught his expression conveying a pleading message to me;
Please help me…
My arms instinctively wrapped around him as his head met the centre of my chest and he took a calming breath against it, until he turned his cheek and I felt him return my hug harder.
But then a pair of hands were sliding underneath my shirt… a leg intertwined with my own.
Surely I’d fallen asleep… catching Kai’s watering eyes stare up into my own, with such dark demeanour that drew me nearer and nearer to his lips, brushing the wads of flesh that tasted and held the touch of velvet in the depths of my imagination.
This has to be a dream…
I felt Kai’s warm palm mould around the shape of my cheek and the tips of our noses brushed as he pressed us closer. I felt the cold wetness of Kai’s tears invading my own skin as our cheeks met and I was certain I was deluded. This couldn’t be happening, the one thing I have longed for my entire life surely wasn’t unfolding in front of me now…?
Kai’s hollow voice whispered my name among the heat surrounding our defeated souls, embracing me in shivers the moment I felt it and I knew that there was nothing to hold me back now.
Kai was already there with that surprise, stroking the small of my back as I felt his sweet pair of lips come to welcome my own. Finally…
Finally having Kai kiss me had been the sweetest taste of perfection I had ever known.
*
A/N: Thoughts dearies? :3 Trust me, I may deserve to be shot haha! But but but! This imagination isn't done with these two yet! And Yuu is about to make an explosive comeback! Stay tuuuuuuuuuuuuuned!!! *rolls away* <333