Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour - Chapter 18
Hello again, friends!
Big thanks to llamaramauk for her awesome work as a beta!
Title: Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
Authors: Lyrical Rawr & Shiva
Pairing: Fake!? Phoenix/Edgeworth
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Romance
Warnings: Swearing, possible SPOILERS for GS1 and 2
Status: Complete
Word count (Ch.18): 5970
Summary: Miles desperately needs a way to get rid of an unwanted admirer, and what better way is there than to pretend to date his very male, straight best friend and rival? It sounded so foolproof in his head...
Chapter 1 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 21
Chapter 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 17
Chapter 3 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 18
Chapter 4 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 19
Chapter 5 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 20
Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
-- Chapter 18 --
Making the Cut
Phoenix groaned as the Steel Samurai theme started blaring in his ears. After a few seconds, he begrudgingly reached for the night table and fumbled blindly for his cellphone. Grabbing it, he brought it closer to his face and cracked an eye open to inspect the number. He sighed.
Crap.
He pressed the accept button and put the phone to his ear, bracing himself. “Hello?”
“Nick! Where the hell are you!?”
“Sorry, Maya,” Phoenix replied, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “I forgot to set my alarm. I’ll be there ASAP.”
Maya sighed. “Hurry up, you’re already forty minutes late.”
“I’ll do my best. See you in a bit.”
The line went dead.
She’s really mad.
Sitting up, he put the phone back down on the night table and stretched his arms.
I guess she has a right to be. I keep lying to her and now I’m late for work. I really need to make it up to her once this is over.
He frowned.
What am I talking about? It’s already over.
Phoenix winced as the feelings that had kept him up for most of the night came rushing back. No matter how many times he replayed Edgeworth’s confession in his head, it still didn’t feel real.
I’ve been over this a thousand times already. Why can’t I just let it go?
If he was being honest with himself, he knew the answer to that. It had taken several months just to get Edgeworth to act somewhat friendly towards him, and then Edgeworth had actually wanted to spend time with him and Phoenix was so overjoyed to finally have his old friend back, but no, that would have been too perfect. Instead, Edgeworth had somehow fallen for him and gotten the wrong idea about Phoenix’s feelings.
How did this happen?
Phoenix had only flirted with him as a joke and it had been obvious to him that Edgeworth was aware. He couldn’t recall anything that could have led Edgeworth to believe that he was interested in him in that way. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He could remember talking to Edgeworth about women. Hell, he’d even flirted with a girl right in front of him.
Wait…
He grabbed his wallet and started flicking through the pile of business cards he’d accumulated from random stores and cafés he’d been to. Finding the card he was looking for, he took it out and read it again.
May Q. Jellis
Hair Stylist
Landline: 555-7599
Mobile: 555-5844
Sunday-Wednesday Working Hours
He picked up his cellphone. After hesitating a bit, he dialled the number to May’s mobile and put the phone to his ear. It started to ring.
“May Jellis speaking. How may I help you?”
“Yes, hi,” Phoenix said, more nervous than he should be about a simple phone call. “I’d like to make an appointment.”
“You’re in luck! I just got a cancellation at 1 P.M. this afternoon. Would that work for you?”
“Uh…”
Phoenix pondered for a moment. He wasn’t expecting to see May today - it didn’t give him a lot of time to mentally prepare. Not only that, but he’d probably have to take the afternoon off after getting yelled at by Maya for being late. He decided he didn’t care.
“Sure, that works just fine.”
May hummed. “Okay, let me mark this down. What’s your name?”
“Phoenix.”
“Oooh, I knew I recognised that voice!” May exclaimed. “How’s mystery man doing today?”
Phoenix chuckled at the nickname. “I’m good, and you?”
“Oh, I’m great! Especially now that you called!” She laughed.
Phoenix felt his face get hot. Getting hit on so openly was not something he was used to. He opened his mouth to reply but closed it again when nothing came out.
“Cat got your tongue?” May asked playfully.
“Sorry, I’m just…” Phoenix started to reply, before realising he didn’t know how to finish his sentence.
Idiot.
May laughed again. “It’s okay! I’ll see you at 1, then?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there.”
“Alright, see you then!”
“Bye.”
Phoenix hung up, dropped the phone back on the night table and buried his face in his hands with a groan. Why was he so useless?
---
The sky was bright and clear, summer in full swing as Phoenix walked through the neighbourhood to the salon. He shuffled along and scowled up at the sky. He hadn’t gotten enough sleep for the nice weather to be uplifting. In fact, it made him feel even worse.
I doubt it’s the weather’s fault, but I feel like the sun is criticising me.
Damned sun.
This area of town was one of those typical new, trendy districts with nice street art and lots of jaunty coffee shops and brunch places. Walking past a particularly aesthetically pleasing shop, Phoenix paused to look through the window.
It was a tea room. They had shelves of the stuff, all in fancy loose leaf form without a tea bag in sight. Every aspect of the place looked inviting, even the dozen twenty-somethings sitting around playing with their MacBooks.
Of course it’s a tea room. I could have stopped by a place that didn’t remind me of Edgeworth, but that would have been too normal.
Phoenix picked the next shop along. It was a tattoo parlor. Much better. And boy, was it full of tattoos. Even the shop front was covered in the things. Phoenix didn’t have any interest in getting a tattoo, nor did he know anyone who had one, so there was no chance of them triggering any unwanted thoughts. There were big ones, small ones, animals, words…
So why am I still thinking about the tea shop? Why do I suddenly have the urge to let him know about it?
Phoenix shook his head. What was he doing? He’d been over this a hundred times already, complete with lack of sleep, tears and all that jazz. Hanging out with Edgeworth, even sending a text, was not currently an option. Besides, he had somewhere to be.
He quickened his pace, staring at the sidewalk in front of him as he went along. Tunnel vision. All he needed was to have a relaxing haircut in nice company and he’d feel much better.
…Do I even deserve to feel better?
Yes. Stupid question. I’m sure Edgeworth is at work right now, buried in his paperwork, distracting himself from all this crap. He’ll forget about me in no time and everything will go back to normal.
I’ll do the same.
Relief washed over Phoenix as he finally spotted the salon. He quickly made his way to the entrance and walked in.
“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked with a smile.
“Um, yes, actually, I--”
“Oh, I remember you!” she cut across, smiling even more. “You’re Larry’s friend, right?”
Ugh. Why do I always get this sense of dread whenever I’m linked to the Butz?
“Yeah, I guess I am,” Phoenix mumbled in reply. “He’s not working today, is he?”
The receptionist shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. But I’m meeting up with him for a drink after work. I can tell him you were looking for him if you want?”
Phoenix eyed her suspiciously. She was wearing some flashy jewelry and her nails looked pristine. Those were telltale signs he’d seen before.
Looks like your charms have somehow worked again, my romantic friend.
Phoenix cleared his throat. “No, that’s okay. I’m actually here for an appointment. Is May around?” He peered over the divider that separated the reception area from the salon to try and spot her colourful purple hair.
Putting her hand to her heart, the receptionist sighed in an exaggeratedly sweet way. “Oh, honey, I should have known you were May’s cute guy!”
I guess I should take that as a compliment. And May has been talking about me, so that’s obviously good.
But why did she have to call me ‘honey’?
…I hate this.
“Hah, yes, that’s me,” Phoenix replied, proceeding to clear his throat a second time and hoping that didn’t make him sound as stupid as he felt.
“I’ll go grab her,” the receptionist said with a wink before trundling off to find May.
Phoenix ran a hand through his hair. Now that he was actually here, it felt strange. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but the feeling was there all the same.
Haircut and chill. You’ve got this, Phoenix.
“Hi, Phoenix!” May had changed her hair. Today, she wore it flat, still long, but instead of the purple colour, her roots began as a deep blonde and slowly turned to a bright orange at the ends. It looked pretty cool. Edgeworth would hate it.
“Hi, May. Your hair is different,” Phoenix commented. He cleared his throat, again, before adding, “I mean, it’s a great colour.”
“Aww, thanks!” She smiled brightly. “I like to experiment on myself.” She gestured behind her. “Do you want to take a seat so we can talk about what you want today?”
“Yes, sure, of course, thanks,” Phoenix stumbled.
Any other synonym for ‘okay’ you want to add in there, you big idiot?
May nodded and took him over to a spare seat in the salon. Sitting down, Phoenix took a look around before settling.
There were two other customers, a guy and a girl. Phoenix had been to salons that made him feel out of place because he was the only guy there, but this one seemed to be doing a decent job of drawing men in. The décor wasn’t overly girly and the posters on the walls featured hairstyles for both genders.
“So what can we do for you today?” May ran a hand over his hair and took a look at the ends. “You have such awesome hair,” she added, smiling at him in the mirror.
Phoenix grinned, looking only slightly self-conscious from what he could see in his reflection. “Thanks. It’s a bit of a pain, really.” He looked down for a second, before looking back at May in the mirror. “Erm, but if you think it’s nice, then it definitely is.”
Smooth as shit.
May laughed. “I do have very good tastes, I assure you.”
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes, uh, anyway, I was hoping for a quick trim. Just, you know, tidy things up a bit.” He paused. “I thought you’d be the best person to call seeing as you like me--I mean! My hair.”
Hallelujah, I’ve finally stopped talking.
May ran her hands through his hair. “You’re cute, you know that?” Phoenix felt his face flush slightly in response. She studied his hair a little longer, before meeting his eyes. “It doesn’t look like you really need much taking off at all. When was the last time you had it cut?”
Oops, I’ve been had.
“Well, I like to have very precise cuts with my hair.” He mimed cutting something with his fingers. “It has to stay perfectly the right length, you see.” He nodded and awkwardly put his hand away after realising what he was doing. “Yep. Very precise.”
May laughed again, which Phoenix took as a good thing. “Alrighty. Well, I’ll go and get my tools ready. Wet or dry cut?”
Dry.
“Wet, please.”
Fuck.
Once May was out of sight, Phoenix put his head in his hands. He didn’t have a clue what he was doing. It was painfully obvious that he was terrible at flirting. Plus it felt wrong for some reason.
I guess it’s ‘cause I’ve been ‘dating’ Edgeworth for a bit. That’s bound to mess up my moves a little.
Pfft. Like you ever had any moves to start with.
Phoenix felt the familiar Edgeworth hole open up in his stomach and he rubbed his eyes as exhaustion overwhelmed him. All those thoughts buzzed around in his head again. Poor Edgeworth and his feelings, then anger at his deception, then sadness at the fact that he couldn’t just pick up the phone and call Edgeworth about what to do about Edgeworth. Phoenix knew he missed Edgeworth already. He pictured them making up and pretending that nothing had happened so that they could go back to their fake relationship and hang out some more.
“If you could follow me to the sink,” May said sweetly, interrupting Phoenix’s thoughts.
“Will do.” Phoenix got up and looked around the salon again on his way over. There weren’t any art pieces or food stands - weird things to look for in a normal salon, but with Larry around, you never knew. “So, May, what does Larry actually do around here?” He settled into his seat as she busied around, gathering items.
“Larry?” May laughed. “Officially, he’s a caretaker intern. Cleans up hair off the floor, shampoos and mixes colour.” She turned on the showerhead and started washing Phoenix’s hair. “Good on the temperature?” Phoenix nodded. “Cool. Unofficially, he washes women’s hair and makes wacky wigs with hair cuttings.”
Phoenix laughed out loud at that. “Seriously? He gets away with that?”
“Yup. Outright refuses to touch any of the guys’ hair. I don’t think he realises that probably makes customers doubt his sexuality more than if he just did it.”
Sounds like Larry. Tries way too hard at everything he does.
“I have my suspicions that I won’t be seeing him much in the near future,” Phoenix commented, pointedly looking over at the reception desk.
“Has he already mentioned that?” May giggled. “Chelsea finally gave in to his flirting. It’s quite sweet, actually. He’s more than happy to take her out for a meal whenever she pleases. Even paid for her manicure the other day.”
Just call me Sherlock, baby.
“Larry’s an attentive boyfriend, I’ll give him that,” Phoenix agreed.
Doesn’t half pick ‘em, though…
“Oh wow!” May said in awe. “Look who just walked in. Isn’t that the most amazing hair you’ve ever seen!?”
Amazing was not quite the first word Phoenix would have used, but the man in question certainly didn’t have standard hair. The only thing Phoenix could think of calling it was a ‘front-facing mohawk’ - it looked like some kind of sun disk that stuck straight up from one side of his head to the other. He’d also dyed the mass of hair bright pink at the tips.
“Eye-catching,” Phoenix eventually replied, making sure not to lie but not to disagree, either.
“I feel like you two would be the best of friends.”
Because hair is how people make friends, obviously.
When he thought about it, though, Phoenix realised that hair was the exact reason he was here, in that precise moment, trying to make a new friend. But he quickly disregarded that fact - it was still stupid to think that people would get along just because of their hair.
Plus my hair isn’t as crazy as that!
“Oooh!” May exclaimed. “You could employ him as your assistant and fight crime together! ‘Peacock and Hedgehog: Defenders of Your Back Garden’.” She giggled to herself.
Hedgehog!?
“Heh. Yeah.” Phoenix racked his brains to come up with something a little more clever. “Or even: ‘Parrot and Porcupine: Picking up the Trash’.”
That sounds pretty damned awesome. Good one, buddy!
“Hmm… Definitely more of a peacock. Look at that handsome little face of his.”
It registered for a second in Phoenix’s mind that that comment should probably bother him, seeing as he was the one trying to be a little more than friendly with May, but he found that he didn’t care. Probably because he didn’t know May well enough yet.
Probably.
May was done with the hair washing by this point. Next up was the massage.
It felt nice. Nothing special, but Phoenix didn’t need special. Perfectly adequate. Definitely relaxing. Also, part of the job.
Way more relaxing and professional than I imagine trying to get Edgeworth to give me a massage would be.
…Nope. That’s banned. All thoughts combining Edgeworth and massage in a single sentence are hereby in contempt of thinking.
Stupid thoughts like that and inappropriate jokes that followed were likely what had caused Edgeworth to get the wrong idea in the first place. If only he’d kept his mouth shut, they wouldn’t be in this awful situation.
“Right, Porcupine. We’re done at this waterfall.” May patted his shoulders. “Time to prune those spikes.”
What have I done?
“That was a nice massage,” Phoenix commented as they made their way back over to the styling chair. Sitting down, he was about to commend himself for the smooth remark, but then he replayed it in his head and realised it didn’t sound quite right. “Oh God, I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I meant.”
May laughed and shook her head. “Phoenix, instead of being an awkward and crap flirt, why don’t you just ask me out?”
Phoenix stared at his reflection.
Yeah, Phoenix, why don’t you?
Well, I’m not especially attracted to her, and although she seems nice, I don’t really know her…
Stop it.
He looked at May in the mirror and smiled sheepishly. “So you worked that out, huh?” He leaned his head forward as she wrapped the sheet around him. “Can you… I mean, would you like to go for a drink sometime?”
May smiled back. “That would be heaps of fun.”
“Great!” Phoenix just beamed for a moment. Realising he was being awkward again, he continued, “So, when are you free?”
“Uh… I’m covering for someone on Saturday, so you could pick me up here after my shift?” May grabbed a pair of scissors and a comb from her apron. “I’ll make sure to do my hair almost as perfect as Mr. Peacock.” She winked and started trimming the smallest amount off Phoenix’s precious locks.
She’s so calm and natural about this.
And I think she actually does like me, for some strange reason.
“Perfect! You’re so easy.” Phoenix was about to leave it at that, before his words finally registered. “Crap, I meant, that was easy, ‘cause you’re so laid back and easy to talk to. Goddamn it…”
“You terror!” May tapped him lightly on the shoulder in jest. “Well, good thing one of us is, huh?”
Is easy? Or…?
“Sometimes I do wonder how I function in life,” Phoenix replied, rubbing the back of his neck.
May paused from her trimming. “You know, I have a friend who’s just like you. They find it really hard to talk to boys.”
“I can actually talk to boys quite well,” Phoenix boasted.
May rolled her eyes and went back to cutting. “I hope your flirting game is better with them, too. Can’t get much worse.”
Ouch.
Wait… what?
Phoenix studied her, not wanting to jump to conclusions. It was definitely a joke - he could tell from the way she was silently laughing to herself. Flirting with men was not something she actually thought he was doing.
It was so easy to fake flirt with Edgeworth.
Why is this so much harder?
“Anyway, my friend,” May continued, a light smile still on her face, “maybe you could find someone to bring along for them on Saturday?”
“Um… maybe.” Phoenix rubbed his chin in thought.
Larry is apparently dating someone now, and Edgeworth, well…
“This may sound lame, but I can’t think of any single guy friends of mine right now.”
“Oh well.” May sighed. “I was hoping your uptight friend from the other day was single.”
Phoenix couldn’t help it; he let out a loud, sharp laugh, then had to hold onto his ribs as a jolt of pain stabbed through his chest.
Shit. I have the most morbid humour.
Massaging his ribs, he did his best to keep his head still. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude. It’s just… Edgeworth?”
“So he’s single? My friend likes the handsome bookworm types.”
Phoenix chuckled at that. Edgeworth definitely fit that description. “Well, he’s single, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be interested in your friend.”
Or in going on a double date with me…
Guilt suddenly washed over him. No more laughing at Edgeworth. He didn’t deserve that treatment.
“Really? Why?” May tilted her head. “Isn’t he gay?”
Phoenix’s eyes widened in surprise.
Wait… so she’s talking about a guy friend? How did she know that Edgeworth likes men?
Phoenix bit his lip. “Yeah, I think so… He just… I don’t think he does dating.”
I guess that’s why he didn’t want to tell me… If he kept it a secret, he could keep spending time with me without having to commit to anything.
Does that mean he thinks I’m attractive?
That felt like a massive compliment. Edgeworth thought he was good-looking. Pretty damned flattering. But should he really be flattered? Phoenix didn’t know. Everything seemed so complicated now.
“Really?” May looked a little shocked. “I could’ve sworn… Well, never mind.”
“Could’ve sworn what?” Phoenix probed, curious.
“Well… He got a little defensive when the two of us were talking, and you looked a little out of sorts when he did, so I just assumed.” May shrugged, leaving it at that.
Not quite enough for Phoenix to figure out what was going unsaid.
“Okay, I’m a bit lost here.” Phoenix readjusted the towel around his neck. “You assumed what, exactly?”
“Well, I just figured since your friend… Edgeworth, was it? Yeah, he seemed a bit jealous when we were talking, so I thought he kind of… liked you that way, I dunno.” She shrugged again, taking a step back to look at the overall style, before looking at Phoenix. “Sorry, I thought it was obvious and you knew.”
Phoenix swallowed and looked away, eyes wide.
Seriously? Am I that oblivious? A complete stranger picked up on something I hadn’t even considered about one of my closest friends?
How did I not notice this? What the hell is wrong with me!?
After a few minutes of silence, May piped up again. “Done with the cut!” She picked up a hand mirror to show him the back. “There wasn’t too much to take off but I’ve tried to keep it glorious.”
Phoenix glanced at the mirror absentmindedly and managed a small nod.
He was even acting strange when we went to the restaurant that first time…
Fuck. How long had Edgeworth kept this from him? Why did he think it was okay to inadvertently let others in on his secret but not him?
…I’m being irrational.
“Thanks for your patronage, sir,” May said in jest, bowing a little.
“No worries, lassie,” Phoenix replied, immediately realising that he’d bungled what could have been a witty response and basically called her a dog. He scrunched his eyes closed and rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, I may have to take some eloquence lessons before Saturday.”
May’s laugh was nice. Girly and high-pitched, but very warm and not at all shrill. For some reason, Phoenix found himself comparing her open humour to Edgeworth’s guarded emotions. Laughter seemed to ooze from May like honey, filling in all the cracks and making everything sweet. Edgeworth would only allow small drips through, leaving you needing more and looking for reasons to squeeze out the next drop. Honey, he was not. Absinthe seemed more fitting.
That’s when Phoenix decided he needed a drink.
After sorting out the last few details for Saturday, May directed him over to the reception desk to pay and he managed to say goodbye without making himself look even more like an idiot. Once he was out of the salon, he let out a deep breath and felt his shoulders relax.
He wandered down the street for a while, looking for a bar. There were plenty of cafés so he was sure one would turn up eventually. Brunch was now the trendy thing but alcohol was never out of fashion.
Phoenix considered calling someone to join him. Maya would normally be a fun presence but she was currently mad at him and besides, she wasn’t old enough to go to a bar and he really needed that drink. Larry could distract him from his thoughts with his inane chatting about his new girlfriend, but Phoenix would be terrible company in this state and both of them would notice that.
I wish I could call Edgeworth.
Phoenix pushed his hands further into his pockets. Damn that man. He’d infected Phoenix’s thoughts so thoroughly. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since he’d learned the truth and yet Phoenix already missed him. Even while trying to get his life back on track by meeting new people, all Phoenix’s mind supplied was Edgeworth thoughts.
Why did he have to tell me?
Phoenix knew he was being selfish. Of course Edgeworth had to tell him - Phoenix had even made him confess.
Why does it bother me so much?
Because their friendship would never be the same again. Unrequited feelings always ruined everything.
God, I didn’t even know he had the capacity for any type of romance! I’m such a closed-minded idiot.
Finally, a bar appeared in front of Phoenix. He couldn’t find the name. It must have been edgy enough to not need one.
As he entered, the smell of hops and yeast hit him in full force. Not the most pleasant aroma, but neither was it bad enough to make him turn around and walk out. There were several beer vats at the back. He’d stumbled on a microbrewery. Excellent.
The place was surprisingly well lit and featured white-coloured everything. There was the usual industrial feel that these places went for, with exposed metal beams and brushed steel in some areas. Even the bartender looked more like a miner than a barkeep. She was wearing beige overalls over a bright white top and she had a heap of piercings scattered over her ears and face.
It was quiet with only one other patron, so Phoenix took a seat at the bar and signalled to the bartender to bring him the house beer.
“We call this one ‘Hopping Mad’,” she said, placing the glass of amber liquid in front of him. “It’s got that fruity taste of melons and oranges at first, but then bam, the hops will hit you smack in the face.”
And that’s a good thing?
“Thanks,” Phoenix replied, trying not to sound too miserable. He took a drink. It tasted like beer. “Yeah, really getting those hops through,” he lied. He was as good at tasting beer as he was at distinguishing wine.
The bartender nodded emphatically. “We make sure to brew it with the finest stuff.”
Now I just want to call Edgeworth even more. He’d love all that brewing crap talk.
Phoenix sighed and stared down at his beer, before taking another sip.
They were going to have to talk to each other soon. He needed to work out what he could do to salvage their relationship.
I’ve obviously been acting too sexy. Got to rein in that Phoenix charm.
…It’d probably go a lot better if I wasn’t such a sarcastic jackass.
Phoenix took another gulp of beer. He still didn’t feel relaxed.
All the days he’d spent with Edgeworth over the past month played through his head. Everything had gone so fast, and yet he could recount each moment. The accidental stumbling into a fake relationship, Edgeworth’s adamance about not wanting to do anything romantic, their first date where everything went wrong, their second date where everything went right. All the times afterwards where they’d enjoyed spending time together. Edgeworth’s smile, when he’d finally relaxed. Phoenix could visualise it so readily. He tried to pinpoint the moment when Edgeworth had ruined everything by seeing Phoenix in a different light, but he couldn’t figure it out. Edgeworth had always been so hard to read.
Maybe if I can work out why he likes me that way, I can just not do those things? Then we can be normal friends again.
But as much as he joked about it, Phoenix was sure that any attraction Edgeworth felt probably wasn’t focused on his looks. Phoenix knew he wasn’t ugly, but his face and body weren’t the type to turn people gay, if that was even a thing. Hell, the fact that he was a man probably didn’t even play into any of it for Edgeworth. So, no, Phoenix couldn’t fix it by simply wearing a bag over his head or something.
He sighed.
It’s not like I can change my personality, either. Plus I don’t see why he’d be interested in my sarcastic, awkward - but admittedly hilarious - self.
He’d saved the guy’s life in court, he guessed, but that was work.
The only other thing Phoenix could think of was that maybe Edgeworth was attracted to the way he treated him. Phoenix liked him and wanted to spend time with him. Edgeworth was pompous and a bit of a know-it-all, sure, but he was also secretly kind, dryly funny, and so passionate about everything. Who else knew him the way Phoenix did? Was there anyone else who knew how great Edgeworth was as a person, not just as a prosecutor?
Most of the way through his beer now, Phoenix was starting to feel a little better. A plan was forming. He could just act indifferent to anything cool that Edgeworth did, not look so happy to see him. More of a colleague, less of a close friend.
Doesn’t sound great, though.
Finishing the dregs of his beer, he slumped onto the bar and gestured to the bartender for another.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, buddy,” the bartender said, definitely interrupting as she gave him another beer, “but I see you’re on a bit of a downer.”
Phoenix shrugged and took a drink. “Yeah, something like that.”
“Girlfriend troubles?”
“Not quite, but ish,” he said, swilling the liquid around in the glass.
“Romance is a bummer, huh.”
“Yeah.” Phoenix took another gulp, the bitterness not reaching him this time. He was getting tipsy.
“I just swear off dating at all now,” the bartender added. “Only so many assholes you can put up with in this world.”
I wish Edgeworth was an asshole. That’d make it easy.
Phoenix ran a hand through his hair. It felt so fresh and clean. “Tell me,” he began, knowing just how chatty he got after even the slightest bit of alcohol, “what would you do if a friend told you they liked you as more than a friend?”
She shrugged and leaned on one of the small fridges behind the bar. “Depends. Is she good-looking?”
“I guess.”
“Is she a close friend? Or one you just put up with?”
Is it bad that I just imagined Edgeworth and Larry side by side for comparison there?
Phoenix sighed. “Close. Very close.”
“Sounds like you should just give it a go, buddy. Wish one of my close friends liked me that way. Would make things easier.”
The bartender nodded to herself, before going over to serve the other patron. Phoenix leaned back in his seat and stared at the ceiling for a while. As much as he had teased Edgeworth about his lack of knowledge on the subject, Phoenix wasn’t particularly gifted in the art of romance, either. He’d only had one long-term girlfriend, who had turned out to be a murderer. Go figure. Plus, thinking back on his stale flirting from earlier, he realised he hadn’t even tried to date anyone in years.
“You need a top-up?” the bartender asked, indicating Phoenix’s glass, which was surprisingly almost empty.
“My friend… He’s not a girl,” Phoenix answered, nodding his head for another beer. Yep, he was definitely tipsy. Come to think of it, he hadn’t eaten much today.
The bartender made a small humming noise as she poured the next beer. “But now you wish he was?”
Now there’s a question.
Phoenix took a long drink at that, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
Would I date Edgeworth if he was a girl?
He couldn’t picture Edgeworth as a female, and if he met an Edgeworth-acting woman at a bar, he definitely wouldn’t want her number. But what if Miles had always been a girl? If it had been a girl he’d known in school and he’d saved her from herself in their adult years and grown closer to her once their friendship was rekindled?
Phoenix suddenly felt tears well up in his eyes. “I don’t want to not be friends. It’s going to be shit without him.”
The bartender whistled and shook her head. “Buddy, you’re screwed. You’ve either got to gain a boyfriend, or downgrade a close friend to an acquaintance.” She shook her head again. “I’ll keep the beer flowing for ya.”
“Appreciated.”
Funny how she thinks ‘gaining a boyfriend’ is an actual option here.
In reality, I guess I just lost one, kind of. Except it wasn’t real.
Dating hadn’t been a part of his life for a very long while, and now Phoenix had found himself a fake partner, rejected him, then put himself into another goddamned awkward dating situation with some random woman. What a rollercoaster, and all because he’d gotten drunk after overthinking his friendship with Maya following the Engarde case.
Romance sucks.
The glass of beer was emptying quickly, but that was a good thing. All the emotions felt fuzzy, his thoughts free to roam. Nothing was there to stress him now. He could think about anything without all the guilt.
I wonder what Edgeworth is doing now? I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t called, so I guess he’s coping.
Edgeworth was strong. Even though Phoenix hadn’t reacted well - he’d run away faster than a dodgy witness - Edgeworth would be handling it. Probably not in the most healthy way, but in an Edgeworth way that involved work, tea and reruns of the Steel Samurai.
Phoenix smiled a wry smile down at the bar. Images of Edgeworth playing chess and walking around a museum were fun. He could imagine him dressed in his usual expensive clothes - in this case, designer jeans and a flattering henley - smell the woody cologne he always used - which was probably expensive too - and see his small frown as he overthought every move or silently judged every other art piece.
He’s such a dork. He can do so much better. Actually find someone who’s interested.
Phoenix frowned. That seemed a little wrong. Edgeworth didn’t date. He’d developed feelings for Phoenix by accident, a strange phenomenon that Phoenix still didn’t understand.
Seriously, how does a man like him see anything in me?
Phoenix had cleared the hell out, not wanting to confuse Edgeworth any more than he already had. He’d moped, and cried, and been emotional. Angry at Edgeworth, but also furious with himself for letting it get to this. Sad about ruining an important friendship. He’d tried to fix things by asking May on a date, hoping it would make the situation clear for both himself and Edgeworth.
And now he was sitting in a bar, crying again, he noticed, and drunk as a defendant at a ‘not guilty’ verdict.
He slammed a hand down on the bar, not caring if it seemed rowdy. It made him feel better.
We need to talk about this. I should call him right now.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tried to hold it so he could see the keypad. It kept going in and out of focus. Pretty much impossible to press the correct keys when his cell was being a dick. After several attempts at dialling the number, Phoenix gave up.
Sliding his phone back into his pocket, which took a bit of fumbling, he signalled for another beer.
I’m a strong, independent man, totally dealing with this. I don’t need no emotional talks… until the morning.
Big thanks to llamaramauk for her awesome work as a beta!
Title: Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
Authors: Lyrical Rawr & Shiva
Pairing: Fake!? Phoenix/Edgeworth
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Romance
Warnings: Swearing, possible SPOILERS for GS1 and 2
Status: Complete
Word count (Ch.18): 5970
Summary: Miles desperately needs a way to get rid of an unwanted admirer, and what better way is there than to pretend to date his very male, straight best friend and rival? It sounded so foolproof in his head...
Chapter 1 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 21
Chapter 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 17
Chapter 3 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 18
Chapter 4 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 19
Chapter 5 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 20
Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
-- Chapter 18 --
Making the Cut
Phoenix groaned as the Steel Samurai theme started blaring in his ears. After a few seconds, he begrudgingly reached for the night table and fumbled blindly for his cellphone. Grabbing it, he brought it closer to his face and cracked an eye open to inspect the number. He sighed.
Crap.
He pressed the accept button and put the phone to his ear, bracing himself. “Hello?”
“Nick! Where the hell are you!?”
“Sorry, Maya,” Phoenix replied, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “I forgot to set my alarm. I’ll be there ASAP.”
Maya sighed. “Hurry up, you’re already forty minutes late.”
“I’ll do my best. See you in a bit.”
The line went dead.
She’s really mad.
Sitting up, he put the phone back down on the night table and stretched his arms.
I guess she has a right to be. I keep lying to her and now I’m late for work. I really need to make it up to her once this is over.
He frowned.
What am I talking about? It’s already over.
Phoenix winced as the feelings that had kept him up for most of the night came rushing back. No matter how many times he replayed Edgeworth’s confession in his head, it still didn’t feel real.
I’ve been over this a thousand times already. Why can’t I just let it go?
If he was being honest with himself, he knew the answer to that. It had taken several months just to get Edgeworth to act somewhat friendly towards him, and then Edgeworth had actually wanted to spend time with him and Phoenix was so overjoyed to finally have his old friend back, but no, that would have been too perfect. Instead, Edgeworth had somehow fallen for him and gotten the wrong idea about Phoenix’s feelings.
How did this happen?
Phoenix had only flirted with him as a joke and it had been obvious to him that Edgeworth was aware. He couldn’t recall anything that could have led Edgeworth to believe that he was interested in him in that way. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He could remember talking to Edgeworth about women. Hell, he’d even flirted with a girl right in front of him.
Wait…
He grabbed his wallet and started flicking through the pile of business cards he’d accumulated from random stores and cafés he’d been to. Finding the card he was looking for, he took it out and read it again.
May Q. Jellis
Hair Stylist
Landline: 555-7599
Mobile: 555-5844
Sunday-Wednesday Working Hours
He picked up his cellphone. After hesitating a bit, he dialled the number to May’s mobile and put the phone to his ear. It started to ring.
“May Jellis speaking. How may I help you?”
“Yes, hi,” Phoenix said, more nervous than he should be about a simple phone call. “I’d like to make an appointment.”
“You’re in luck! I just got a cancellation at 1 P.M. this afternoon. Would that work for you?”
“Uh…”
Phoenix pondered for a moment. He wasn’t expecting to see May today - it didn’t give him a lot of time to mentally prepare. Not only that, but he’d probably have to take the afternoon off after getting yelled at by Maya for being late. He decided he didn’t care.
“Sure, that works just fine.”
May hummed. “Okay, let me mark this down. What’s your name?”
“Phoenix.”
“Oooh, I knew I recognised that voice!” May exclaimed. “How’s mystery man doing today?”
Phoenix chuckled at the nickname. “I’m good, and you?”
“Oh, I’m great! Especially now that you called!” She laughed.
Phoenix felt his face get hot. Getting hit on so openly was not something he was used to. He opened his mouth to reply but closed it again when nothing came out.
“Cat got your tongue?” May asked playfully.
“Sorry, I’m just…” Phoenix started to reply, before realising he didn’t know how to finish his sentence.
Idiot.
May laughed again. “It’s okay! I’ll see you at 1, then?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there.”
“Alright, see you then!”
“Bye.”
Phoenix hung up, dropped the phone back on the night table and buried his face in his hands with a groan. Why was he so useless?
---
The sky was bright and clear, summer in full swing as Phoenix walked through the neighbourhood to the salon. He shuffled along and scowled up at the sky. He hadn’t gotten enough sleep for the nice weather to be uplifting. In fact, it made him feel even worse.
I doubt it’s the weather’s fault, but I feel like the sun is criticising me.
Damned sun.
This area of town was one of those typical new, trendy districts with nice street art and lots of jaunty coffee shops and brunch places. Walking past a particularly aesthetically pleasing shop, Phoenix paused to look through the window.
It was a tea room. They had shelves of the stuff, all in fancy loose leaf form without a tea bag in sight. Every aspect of the place looked inviting, even the dozen twenty-somethings sitting around playing with their MacBooks.
Of course it’s a tea room. I could have stopped by a place that didn’t remind me of Edgeworth, but that would have been too normal.
Phoenix picked the next shop along. It was a tattoo parlor. Much better. And boy, was it full of tattoos. Even the shop front was covered in the things. Phoenix didn’t have any interest in getting a tattoo, nor did he know anyone who had one, so there was no chance of them triggering any unwanted thoughts. There were big ones, small ones, animals, words…
So why am I still thinking about the tea shop? Why do I suddenly have the urge to let him know about it?
Phoenix shook his head. What was he doing? He’d been over this a hundred times already, complete with lack of sleep, tears and all that jazz. Hanging out with Edgeworth, even sending a text, was not currently an option. Besides, he had somewhere to be.
He quickened his pace, staring at the sidewalk in front of him as he went along. Tunnel vision. All he needed was to have a relaxing haircut in nice company and he’d feel much better.
…Do I even deserve to feel better?
Yes. Stupid question. I’m sure Edgeworth is at work right now, buried in his paperwork, distracting himself from all this crap. He’ll forget about me in no time and everything will go back to normal.
I’ll do the same.
Relief washed over Phoenix as he finally spotted the salon. He quickly made his way to the entrance and walked in.
“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked with a smile.
“Um, yes, actually, I--”
“Oh, I remember you!” she cut across, smiling even more. “You’re Larry’s friend, right?”
Ugh. Why do I always get this sense of dread whenever I’m linked to the Butz?
“Yeah, I guess I am,” Phoenix mumbled in reply. “He’s not working today, is he?”
The receptionist shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. But I’m meeting up with him for a drink after work. I can tell him you were looking for him if you want?”
Phoenix eyed her suspiciously. She was wearing some flashy jewelry and her nails looked pristine. Those were telltale signs he’d seen before.
Looks like your charms have somehow worked again, my romantic friend.
Phoenix cleared his throat. “No, that’s okay. I’m actually here for an appointment. Is May around?” He peered over the divider that separated the reception area from the salon to try and spot her colourful purple hair.
Putting her hand to her heart, the receptionist sighed in an exaggeratedly sweet way. “Oh, honey, I should have known you were May’s cute guy!”
I guess I should take that as a compliment. And May has been talking about me, so that’s obviously good.
But why did she have to call me ‘honey’?
…I hate this.
“Hah, yes, that’s me,” Phoenix replied, proceeding to clear his throat a second time and hoping that didn’t make him sound as stupid as he felt.
“I’ll go grab her,” the receptionist said with a wink before trundling off to find May.
Phoenix ran a hand through his hair. Now that he was actually here, it felt strange. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but the feeling was there all the same.
Haircut and chill. You’ve got this, Phoenix.
“Hi, Phoenix!” May had changed her hair. Today, she wore it flat, still long, but instead of the purple colour, her roots began as a deep blonde and slowly turned to a bright orange at the ends. It looked pretty cool. Edgeworth would hate it.
“Hi, May. Your hair is different,” Phoenix commented. He cleared his throat, again, before adding, “I mean, it’s a great colour.”
“Aww, thanks!” She smiled brightly. “I like to experiment on myself.” She gestured behind her. “Do you want to take a seat so we can talk about what you want today?”
“Yes, sure, of course, thanks,” Phoenix stumbled.
Any other synonym for ‘okay’ you want to add in there, you big idiot?
May nodded and took him over to a spare seat in the salon. Sitting down, Phoenix took a look around before settling.
There were two other customers, a guy and a girl. Phoenix had been to salons that made him feel out of place because he was the only guy there, but this one seemed to be doing a decent job of drawing men in. The décor wasn’t overly girly and the posters on the walls featured hairstyles for both genders.
“So what can we do for you today?” May ran a hand over his hair and took a look at the ends. “You have such awesome hair,” she added, smiling at him in the mirror.
Phoenix grinned, looking only slightly self-conscious from what he could see in his reflection. “Thanks. It’s a bit of a pain, really.” He looked down for a second, before looking back at May in the mirror. “Erm, but if you think it’s nice, then it definitely is.”
Smooth as shit.
May laughed. “I do have very good tastes, I assure you.”
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes, uh, anyway, I was hoping for a quick trim. Just, you know, tidy things up a bit.” He paused. “I thought you’d be the best person to call seeing as you like me--I mean! My hair.”
Hallelujah, I’ve finally stopped talking.
May ran her hands through his hair. “You’re cute, you know that?” Phoenix felt his face flush slightly in response. She studied his hair a little longer, before meeting his eyes. “It doesn’t look like you really need much taking off at all. When was the last time you had it cut?”
Oops, I’ve been had.
“Well, I like to have very precise cuts with my hair.” He mimed cutting something with his fingers. “It has to stay perfectly the right length, you see.” He nodded and awkwardly put his hand away after realising what he was doing. “Yep. Very precise.”
May laughed again, which Phoenix took as a good thing. “Alrighty. Well, I’ll go and get my tools ready. Wet or dry cut?”
Dry.
“Wet, please.”
Fuck.
Once May was out of sight, Phoenix put his head in his hands. He didn’t have a clue what he was doing. It was painfully obvious that he was terrible at flirting. Plus it felt wrong for some reason.
I guess it’s ‘cause I’ve been ‘dating’ Edgeworth for a bit. That’s bound to mess up my moves a little.
Pfft. Like you ever had any moves to start with.
Phoenix felt the familiar Edgeworth hole open up in his stomach and he rubbed his eyes as exhaustion overwhelmed him. All those thoughts buzzed around in his head again. Poor Edgeworth and his feelings, then anger at his deception, then sadness at the fact that he couldn’t just pick up the phone and call Edgeworth about what to do about Edgeworth. Phoenix knew he missed Edgeworth already. He pictured them making up and pretending that nothing had happened so that they could go back to their fake relationship and hang out some more.
“If you could follow me to the sink,” May said sweetly, interrupting Phoenix’s thoughts.
“Will do.” Phoenix got up and looked around the salon again on his way over. There weren’t any art pieces or food stands - weird things to look for in a normal salon, but with Larry around, you never knew. “So, May, what does Larry actually do around here?” He settled into his seat as she busied around, gathering items.
“Larry?” May laughed. “Officially, he’s a caretaker intern. Cleans up hair off the floor, shampoos and mixes colour.” She turned on the showerhead and started washing Phoenix’s hair. “Good on the temperature?” Phoenix nodded. “Cool. Unofficially, he washes women’s hair and makes wacky wigs with hair cuttings.”
Phoenix laughed out loud at that. “Seriously? He gets away with that?”
“Yup. Outright refuses to touch any of the guys’ hair. I don’t think he realises that probably makes customers doubt his sexuality more than if he just did it.”
Sounds like Larry. Tries way too hard at everything he does.
“I have my suspicions that I won’t be seeing him much in the near future,” Phoenix commented, pointedly looking over at the reception desk.
“Has he already mentioned that?” May giggled. “Chelsea finally gave in to his flirting. It’s quite sweet, actually. He’s more than happy to take her out for a meal whenever she pleases. Even paid for her manicure the other day.”
Just call me Sherlock, baby.
“Larry’s an attentive boyfriend, I’ll give him that,” Phoenix agreed.
Doesn’t half pick ‘em, though…
“Oh wow!” May said in awe. “Look who just walked in. Isn’t that the most amazing hair you’ve ever seen!?”
Amazing was not quite the first word Phoenix would have used, but the man in question certainly didn’t have standard hair. The only thing Phoenix could think of calling it was a ‘front-facing mohawk’ - it looked like some kind of sun disk that stuck straight up from one side of his head to the other. He’d also dyed the mass of hair bright pink at the tips.
“Eye-catching,” Phoenix eventually replied, making sure not to lie but not to disagree, either.
“I feel like you two would be the best of friends.”
Because hair is how people make friends, obviously.
When he thought about it, though, Phoenix realised that hair was the exact reason he was here, in that precise moment, trying to make a new friend. But he quickly disregarded that fact - it was still stupid to think that people would get along just because of their hair.
Plus my hair isn’t as crazy as that!
“Oooh!” May exclaimed. “You could employ him as your assistant and fight crime together! ‘Peacock and Hedgehog: Defenders of Your Back Garden’.” She giggled to herself.
Hedgehog!?
“Heh. Yeah.” Phoenix racked his brains to come up with something a little more clever. “Or even: ‘Parrot and Porcupine: Picking up the Trash’.”
That sounds pretty damned awesome. Good one, buddy!
“Hmm… Definitely more of a peacock. Look at that handsome little face of his.”
It registered for a second in Phoenix’s mind that that comment should probably bother him, seeing as he was the one trying to be a little more than friendly with May, but he found that he didn’t care. Probably because he didn’t know May well enough yet.
Probably.
May was done with the hair washing by this point. Next up was the massage.
It felt nice. Nothing special, but Phoenix didn’t need special. Perfectly adequate. Definitely relaxing. Also, part of the job.
Way more relaxing and professional than I imagine trying to get Edgeworth to give me a massage would be.
…Nope. That’s banned. All thoughts combining Edgeworth and massage in a single sentence are hereby in contempt of thinking.
Stupid thoughts like that and inappropriate jokes that followed were likely what had caused Edgeworth to get the wrong idea in the first place. If only he’d kept his mouth shut, they wouldn’t be in this awful situation.
“Right, Porcupine. We’re done at this waterfall.” May patted his shoulders. “Time to prune those spikes.”
What have I done?
“That was a nice massage,” Phoenix commented as they made their way back over to the styling chair. Sitting down, he was about to commend himself for the smooth remark, but then he replayed it in his head and realised it didn’t sound quite right. “Oh God, I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I meant.”
May laughed and shook her head. “Phoenix, instead of being an awkward and crap flirt, why don’t you just ask me out?”
Phoenix stared at his reflection.
Yeah, Phoenix, why don’t you?
Well, I’m not especially attracted to her, and although she seems nice, I don’t really know her…
Stop it.
He looked at May in the mirror and smiled sheepishly. “So you worked that out, huh?” He leaned his head forward as she wrapped the sheet around him. “Can you… I mean, would you like to go for a drink sometime?”
May smiled back. “That would be heaps of fun.”
“Great!” Phoenix just beamed for a moment. Realising he was being awkward again, he continued, “So, when are you free?”
“Uh… I’m covering for someone on Saturday, so you could pick me up here after my shift?” May grabbed a pair of scissors and a comb from her apron. “I’ll make sure to do my hair almost as perfect as Mr. Peacock.” She winked and started trimming the smallest amount off Phoenix’s precious locks.
She’s so calm and natural about this.
And I think she actually does like me, for some strange reason.
“Perfect! You’re so easy.” Phoenix was about to leave it at that, before his words finally registered. “Crap, I meant, that was easy, ‘cause you’re so laid back and easy to talk to. Goddamn it…”
“You terror!” May tapped him lightly on the shoulder in jest. “Well, good thing one of us is, huh?”
Is easy? Or…?
“Sometimes I do wonder how I function in life,” Phoenix replied, rubbing the back of his neck.
May paused from her trimming. “You know, I have a friend who’s just like you. They find it really hard to talk to boys.”
“I can actually talk to boys quite well,” Phoenix boasted.
May rolled her eyes and went back to cutting. “I hope your flirting game is better with them, too. Can’t get much worse.”
Ouch.
Wait… what?
Phoenix studied her, not wanting to jump to conclusions. It was definitely a joke - he could tell from the way she was silently laughing to herself. Flirting with men was not something she actually thought he was doing.
It was so easy to fake flirt with Edgeworth.
Why is this so much harder?
“Anyway, my friend,” May continued, a light smile still on her face, “maybe you could find someone to bring along for them on Saturday?”
“Um… maybe.” Phoenix rubbed his chin in thought.
Larry is apparently dating someone now, and Edgeworth, well…
“This may sound lame, but I can’t think of any single guy friends of mine right now.”
“Oh well.” May sighed. “I was hoping your uptight friend from the other day was single.”
Phoenix couldn’t help it; he let out a loud, sharp laugh, then had to hold onto his ribs as a jolt of pain stabbed through his chest.
Shit. I have the most morbid humour.
Massaging his ribs, he did his best to keep his head still. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude. It’s just… Edgeworth?”
“So he’s single? My friend likes the handsome bookworm types.”
Phoenix chuckled at that. Edgeworth definitely fit that description. “Well, he’s single, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be interested in your friend.”
Or in going on a double date with me…
Guilt suddenly washed over him. No more laughing at Edgeworth. He didn’t deserve that treatment.
“Really? Why?” May tilted her head. “Isn’t he gay?”
Phoenix’s eyes widened in surprise.
Wait… so she’s talking about a guy friend? How did she know that Edgeworth likes men?
Phoenix bit his lip. “Yeah, I think so… He just… I don’t think he does dating.”
I guess that’s why he didn’t want to tell me… If he kept it a secret, he could keep spending time with me without having to commit to anything.
Does that mean he thinks I’m attractive?
That felt like a massive compliment. Edgeworth thought he was good-looking. Pretty damned flattering. But should he really be flattered? Phoenix didn’t know. Everything seemed so complicated now.
“Really?” May looked a little shocked. “I could’ve sworn… Well, never mind.”
“Could’ve sworn what?” Phoenix probed, curious.
“Well… He got a little defensive when the two of us were talking, and you looked a little out of sorts when he did, so I just assumed.” May shrugged, leaving it at that.
Not quite enough for Phoenix to figure out what was going unsaid.
“Okay, I’m a bit lost here.” Phoenix readjusted the towel around his neck. “You assumed what, exactly?”
“Well, I just figured since your friend… Edgeworth, was it? Yeah, he seemed a bit jealous when we were talking, so I thought he kind of… liked you that way, I dunno.” She shrugged again, taking a step back to look at the overall style, before looking at Phoenix. “Sorry, I thought it was obvious and you knew.”
Phoenix swallowed and looked away, eyes wide.
Seriously? Am I that oblivious? A complete stranger picked up on something I hadn’t even considered about one of my closest friends?
How did I not notice this? What the hell is wrong with me!?
After a few minutes of silence, May piped up again. “Done with the cut!” She picked up a hand mirror to show him the back. “There wasn’t too much to take off but I’ve tried to keep it glorious.”
Phoenix glanced at the mirror absentmindedly and managed a small nod.
He was even acting strange when we went to the restaurant that first time…
Fuck. How long had Edgeworth kept this from him? Why did he think it was okay to inadvertently let others in on his secret but not him?
…I’m being irrational.
“Thanks for your patronage, sir,” May said in jest, bowing a little.
“No worries, lassie,” Phoenix replied, immediately realising that he’d bungled what could have been a witty response and basically called her a dog. He scrunched his eyes closed and rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, I may have to take some eloquence lessons before Saturday.”
May’s laugh was nice. Girly and high-pitched, but very warm and not at all shrill. For some reason, Phoenix found himself comparing her open humour to Edgeworth’s guarded emotions. Laughter seemed to ooze from May like honey, filling in all the cracks and making everything sweet. Edgeworth would only allow small drips through, leaving you needing more and looking for reasons to squeeze out the next drop. Honey, he was not. Absinthe seemed more fitting.
That’s when Phoenix decided he needed a drink.
After sorting out the last few details for Saturday, May directed him over to the reception desk to pay and he managed to say goodbye without making himself look even more like an idiot. Once he was out of the salon, he let out a deep breath and felt his shoulders relax.
He wandered down the street for a while, looking for a bar. There were plenty of cafés so he was sure one would turn up eventually. Brunch was now the trendy thing but alcohol was never out of fashion.
Phoenix considered calling someone to join him. Maya would normally be a fun presence but she was currently mad at him and besides, she wasn’t old enough to go to a bar and he really needed that drink. Larry could distract him from his thoughts with his inane chatting about his new girlfriend, but Phoenix would be terrible company in this state and both of them would notice that.
I wish I could call Edgeworth.
Phoenix pushed his hands further into his pockets. Damn that man. He’d infected Phoenix’s thoughts so thoroughly. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since he’d learned the truth and yet Phoenix already missed him. Even while trying to get his life back on track by meeting new people, all Phoenix’s mind supplied was Edgeworth thoughts.
Why did he have to tell me?
Phoenix knew he was being selfish. Of course Edgeworth had to tell him - Phoenix had even made him confess.
Why does it bother me so much?
Because their friendship would never be the same again. Unrequited feelings always ruined everything.
God, I didn’t even know he had the capacity for any type of romance! I’m such a closed-minded idiot.
Finally, a bar appeared in front of Phoenix. He couldn’t find the name. It must have been edgy enough to not need one.
As he entered, the smell of hops and yeast hit him in full force. Not the most pleasant aroma, but neither was it bad enough to make him turn around and walk out. There were several beer vats at the back. He’d stumbled on a microbrewery. Excellent.
The place was surprisingly well lit and featured white-coloured everything. There was the usual industrial feel that these places went for, with exposed metal beams and brushed steel in some areas. Even the bartender looked more like a miner than a barkeep. She was wearing beige overalls over a bright white top and she had a heap of piercings scattered over her ears and face.
It was quiet with only one other patron, so Phoenix took a seat at the bar and signalled to the bartender to bring him the house beer.
“We call this one ‘Hopping Mad’,” she said, placing the glass of amber liquid in front of him. “It’s got that fruity taste of melons and oranges at first, but then bam, the hops will hit you smack in the face.”
And that’s a good thing?
“Thanks,” Phoenix replied, trying not to sound too miserable. He took a drink. It tasted like beer. “Yeah, really getting those hops through,” he lied. He was as good at tasting beer as he was at distinguishing wine.
The bartender nodded emphatically. “We make sure to brew it with the finest stuff.”
Now I just want to call Edgeworth even more. He’d love all that brewing crap talk.
Phoenix sighed and stared down at his beer, before taking another sip.
They were going to have to talk to each other soon. He needed to work out what he could do to salvage their relationship.
I’ve obviously been acting too sexy. Got to rein in that Phoenix charm.
…It’d probably go a lot better if I wasn’t such a sarcastic jackass.
Phoenix took another gulp of beer. He still didn’t feel relaxed.
All the days he’d spent with Edgeworth over the past month played through his head. Everything had gone so fast, and yet he could recount each moment. The accidental stumbling into a fake relationship, Edgeworth’s adamance about not wanting to do anything romantic, their first date where everything went wrong, their second date where everything went right. All the times afterwards where they’d enjoyed spending time together. Edgeworth’s smile, when he’d finally relaxed. Phoenix could visualise it so readily. He tried to pinpoint the moment when Edgeworth had ruined everything by seeing Phoenix in a different light, but he couldn’t figure it out. Edgeworth had always been so hard to read.
Maybe if I can work out why he likes me that way, I can just not do those things? Then we can be normal friends again.
But as much as he joked about it, Phoenix was sure that any attraction Edgeworth felt probably wasn’t focused on his looks. Phoenix knew he wasn’t ugly, but his face and body weren’t the type to turn people gay, if that was even a thing. Hell, the fact that he was a man probably didn’t even play into any of it for Edgeworth. So, no, Phoenix couldn’t fix it by simply wearing a bag over his head or something.
He sighed.
It’s not like I can change my personality, either. Plus I don’t see why he’d be interested in my sarcastic, awkward - but admittedly hilarious - self.
He’d saved the guy’s life in court, he guessed, but that was work.
The only other thing Phoenix could think of was that maybe Edgeworth was attracted to the way he treated him. Phoenix liked him and wanted to spend time with him. Edgeworth was pompous and a bit of a know-it-all, sure, but he was also secretly kind, dryly funny, and so passionate about everything. Who else knew him the way Phoenix did? Was there anyone else who knew how great Edgeworth was as a person, not just as a prosecutor?
Most of the way through his beer now, Phoenix was starting to feel a little better. A plan was forming. He could just act indifferent to anything cool that Edgeworth did, not look so happy to see him. More of a colleague, less of a close friend.
Doesn’t sound great, though.
Finishing the dregs of his beer, he slumped onto the bar and gestured to the bartender for another.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, buddy,” the bartender said, definitely interrupting as she gave him another beer, “but I see you’re on a bit of a downer.”
Phoenix shrugged and took a drink. “Yeah, something like that.”
“Girlfriend troubles?”
“Not quite, but ish,” he said, swilling the liquid around in the glass.
“Romance is a bummer, huh.”
“Yeah.” Phoenix took another gulp, the bitterness not reaching him this time. He was getting tipsy.
“I just swear off dating at all now,” the bartender added. “Only so many assholes you can put up with in this world.”
I wish Edgeworth was an asshole. That’d make it easy.
Phoenix ran a hand through his hair. It felt so fresh and clean. “Tell me,” he began, knowing just how chatty he got after even the slightest bit of alcohol, “what would you do if a friend told you they liked you as more than a friend?”
She shrugged and leaned on one of the small fridges behind the bar. “Depends. Is she good-looking?”
“I guess.”
“Is she a close friend? Or one you just put up with?”
Is it bad that I just imagined Edgeworth and Larry side by side for comparison there?
Phoenix sighed. “Close. Very close.”
“Sounds like you should just give it a go, buddy. Wish one of my close friends liked me that way. Would make things easier.”
The bartender nodded to herself, before going over to serve the other patron. Phoenix leaned back in his seat and stared at the ceiling for a while. As much as he had teased Edgeworth about his lack of knowledge on the subject, Phoenix wasn’t particularly gifted in the art of romance, either. He’d only had one long-term girlfriend, who had turned out to be a murderer. Go figure. Plus, thinking back on his stale flirting from earlier, he realised he hadn’t even tried to date anyone in years.
“You need a top-up?” the bartender asked, indicating Phoenix’s glass, which was surprisingly almost empty.
“My friend… He’s not a girl,” Phoenix answered, nodding his head for another beer. Yep, he was definitely tipsy. Come to think of it, he hadn’t eaten much today.
The bartender made a small humming noise as she poured the next beer. “But now you wish he was?”
Now there’s a question.
Phoenix took a long drink at that, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
Would I date Edgeworth if he was a girl?
He couldn’t picture Edgeworth as a female, and if he met an Edgeworth-acting woman at a bar, he definitely wouldn’t want her number. But what if Miles had always been a girl? If it had been a girl he’d known in school and he’d saved her from herself in their adult years and grown closer to her once their friendship was rekindled?
Phoenix suddenly felt tears well up in his eyes. “I don’t want to not be friends. It’s going to be shit without him.”
The bartender whistled and shook her head. “Buddy, you’re screwed. You’ve either got to gain a boyfriend, or downgrade a close friend to an acquaintance.” She shook her head again. “I’ll keep the beer flowing for ya.”
“Appreciated.”
Funny how she thinks ‘gaining a boyfriend’ is an actual option here.
In reality, I guess I just lost one, kind of. Except it wasn’t real.
Dating hadn’t been a part of his life for a very long while, and now Phoenix had found himself a fake partner, rejected him, then put himself into another goddamned awkward dating situation with some random woman. What a rollercoaster, and all because he’d gotten drunk after overthinking his friendship with Maya following the Engarde case.
Romance sucks.
The glass of beer was emptying quickly, but that was a good thing. All the emotions felt fuzzy, his thoughts free to roam. Nothing was there to stress him now. He could think about anything without all the guilt.
I wonder what Edgeworth is doing now? I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t called, so I guess he’s coping.
Edgeworth was strong. Even though Phoenix hadn’t reacted well - he’d run away faster than a dodgy witness - Edgeworth would be handling it. Probably not in the most healthy way, but in an Edgeworth way that involved work, tea and reruns of the Steel Samurai.
Phoenix smiled a wry smile down at the bar. Images of Edgeworth playing chess and walking around a museum were fun. He could imagine him dressed in his usual expensive clothes - in this case, designer jeans and a flattering henley - smell the woody cologne he always used - which was probably expensive too - and see his small frown as he overthought every move or silently judged every other art piece.
He’s such a dork. He can do so much better. Actually find someone who’s interested.
Phoenix frowned. That seemed a little wrong. Edgeworth didn’t date. He’d developed feelings for Phoenix by accident, a strange phenomenon that Phoenix still didn’t understand.
Seriously, how does a man like him see anything in me?
Phoenix had cleared the hell out, not wanting to confuse Edgeworth any more than he already had. He’d moped, and cried, and been emotional. Angry at Edgeworth, but also furious with himself for letting it get to this. Sad about ruining an important friendship. He’d tried to fix things by asking May on a date, hoping it would make the situation clear for both himself and Edgeworth.
And now he was sitting in a bar, crying again, he noticed, and drunk as a defendant at a ‘not guilty’ verdict.
He slammed a hand down on the bar, not caring if it seemed rowdy. It made him feel better.
We need to talk about this. I should call him right now.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tried to hold it so he could see the keypad. It kept going in and out of focus. Pretty much impossible to press the correct keys when his cell was being a dick. After several attempts at dialling the number, Phoenix gave up.
Sliding his phone back into his pocket, which took a bit of fumbling, he signalled for another beer.
I’m a strong, independent man, totally dealing with this. I don’t need no emotional talks… until the morning.