Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour - Chapter 12 (Pt.1)
Yeah, another huge delay. But this chapter is twice as long as the last one, so hopefully, we can be forgiven :P
The usual thanks to llamaramauk for betaing our monster chapters :)
Title: Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
Authors: Lyrical Rawr & Shiva
Pairing: Fake!? Phoenix/Edgeworth
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Romance
Warnings: Swearing, possible SPOILERS for GS1 and 2
Status: Complete
Word count (Ch.12): 15,958
Summary: Miles desperately needs a way to get rid of an unwanted admirer, and what better way is there than to pretend to date his very male, straight best friend and rival? It sounded so foolproof in his head...
Chapter 1 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 21
Chapter 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 17
Chapter 3 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 18
Chapter 4 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 19
Chapter 5 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 20
Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
-- Chapter 12 --
A Nightmare on Soul Street
Phoenix sat back in his seat and fought down a grin that was threatening to appear. Miles was driving with such a doomed and resigned expression on his face. It was the funniest thing he’d seen in ages, and funnier still when he thought about how he was the cause of it all.
“Cheer up, Edgeworth,” Phoenix said, breaking the silence that had settled in since the beginning of the car journey. “You look like you’re about to drive us both off a cliff.”
“Why would I do that?” Miles replied dryly, not even sparing Phoenix a glance. “That’s just the roundabout route of getting to hell. We may as well take the fast lane.”
Phoenix laughed. “You say that as if we had a choice in going to this party.”
Miles snorted. “It’s not as if you had a gun to your head when you accepted the invitation, Wright.”
“You know it’s for the best, really,” Phoenix stated, resting his elbow next to the window. “Not a single bit of doubt about us being together will be in her mind by the end of tonight.”
And this little outing serves you right for being a bastard yesterday.
“Where have I heard that one before?” Miles muttered as he slowed the car down for a set of traffic lights. He seemed to think for a moment, a scowl slowly appearing on his face. “Christ, why do you find it so fun to provoke such dread in me?”
Phoenix laughed again.
Revenge is always satisfying, Edgeworth.
“It’ll be fine. You never know, you might even enjoy yourself! There’s no better way to spend a Thursday night than at one of Kath’s parties.”
Miles rolled his eyes and put on the handbrake.
Guess there’s no fooling him then, huh?
“When’s the next turn?” Miles asked, presumably wanting to change their current topic of conversation.
“Err…” Phoenix looked around his seat for the map, but couldn’t see anything in the darkness of the car. “Right, well…” He felt around his feet and behind his back. “Can I get back to you on that one?”
Miles turned to look at Phoenix with a raised eyebrow. “You’ve already lost the map?”
Hey, what do you mean by ‘already’!?
Phoenix sent Miles a sheepish look, checking down the sides of his seat and then his pockets. “It depends how you’d define ‘lost’…”
Miles sighed, setting the car off again when the lights turned green. “I’d define it as not knowing where something is. For instance, your brain seems pretty lost from where I’m sitting.”
“Yeah, well, why don’t you just buy a GPS?” Phoenix bit back. “Or have they not been invented in the time period you live in?”
“So you can misplace that as well? I think not.”
Scowling, Phoenix shifted away from Miles as much as he could in the small space and decided to look out of the window instead.
Stupid Edgeworth…
I had a comeback. I just… decided not to use it.
“I suppose that means you’re saved,” Phoenix said, not really paying attention to what was outside but still looking out the window on principle. “We can’t go to the party if we don’t know how to get there.”
“You don’t say,” Miles commented, sarcasm oozing out of every syllable. “I guess we’ll just have to improvise from what we remember of the road names.”
What? Improvise…?
Phoenix turned to face Miles in a scrutinising way. “Who are you? What did you do with Edgeworth?”
Miles sent him an unimpressed look. “If we don’t show up, I won’t hear the last of it from Everett.”
Phoenix smirked. “Oh, of course.”
I suppose that’s the closest I’ll get to him admitting that I was right about him not trying.
As they approached a junction, Phoenix quickly looked around for signs. It appeared there weren’t any. Obviously, the road was designed to spite him for losing the map.
“Which way, Wright?”
“Err… well…” Phoenix finally spotted the street sign when they got to about twenty metres from the crossroads. “Yes.”
Miles frowned. “What?”
Phoenix pointed to the sign. “Next right!”
Miles slammed the brakes on hard to make the turn, jolting Phoenix forward in his seat. He shook his head. “Prior warning next time, please, Wright!”
I’ll ‘prior warning’ you in a minute! That damned hurt!
“I told you in plenty of time,” Phoenix mumbled, rubbing his neck.
“I prefer directions that I don’t have to decode.”
Phoenix rolled his eyes. “I’ll be sure to remember that, Your Majesty.”
“Good.” Miles wrenched the gear stick down. “And you can stop with the sarcastic remarks as well.”
“Fine. Do you want me to shine your shoes while I’m at it?”
“I’m not letting you anywhere near my shoes,” Miles replied. “You’d simply lose them.”
Phoenix shifted in his seat. “Geez, Edgeworth. Bitter, much?”
Seemingly ignoring Phoenix’s comment, Miles lapsed back into silence, before putting on the right flasher as they approached the next junction.
“It’s a left here, by the way.”
Miles glanced at the road sign. He sent Phoenix an annoyed look, before obliging and flicking his left signal on instead. “I knew that.”
Sure you did.
Trying to mask his triumphant grin, Phoenix took to looking out the side window again. Correcting Miles almost felt as good as embarrassing him.
Embarrassing him is getting too easy, though. It’s almost as if my simple presence is enough now…
Phoenix rested his head on his hand and turned his attention back to the road, deciding the side view was too hard to focus on with the streetlights constantly smudging and distorting his vision.
“Well, we’ve miraculously made it to the correct road,” Miles said. “It’s down to us to find the street now.”
“That’s easy; fifth on the right.” Phoenix sat up and crossed his arms. “No need to thank me and my brilliant directions, Edgeworth.”
“Of course there isn’t. I’m no liar, Wright.” Miles frowned as they passed the next street, and then checked the right wing mirror repeatedly.
“What is it?” Phoenix asked, sitting forward to block Miles’ view of the mirror.
Miles met his eye briefly. “I think that was the street.”
Phoenix turned to look over his shoulder, craning his neck to get a better view. “I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it’s the fifth turn.”
“Wright, I am ninety percent sure that I saw ‘Soul Street’ written on that sign.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “And I’m ninety-nine percent sure that it couldn’t have been.”
Miles threw him a look, before shrugging it off. “If you say so.”
That makes me feel so trusted…
“Yep, I’m sure,” Phoenix insisted. “In fact, I’m surer than sure.”
“I wasn’t questioning you; I agreed.”
“But you didn’t sound like you believed me…”
…Why, hello, my old friend Mr. Pathetic!
“I apologise,” Miles said with a smirk. “I’ll be sure to keep my tone in check from now on.”
Phoenix looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. “You’ll see at the next right.”
The car approached the fifth turn and both of them looked to the street sign at the same time.
Surprisingly, Phoenix had never heard of the road name.
“How sure did you say you were, Wright?”
Me and my big mouth…
Phoenix bit his lip. “It’ll be down here, somewhere.”
When Miles dutifully carried on, Phoenix suspected he was trying to prove his point.
They came to a dead end.
“I’m sure that wasn’t on the map before…” Phoenix mumbled, slumping in his seat.
“Is that right?” Miles shook his head and parked on the side of the road.
“I don’t think this is it, Edgew--” Phoenix cut himself off as Miles took his keys out of the ignition, undid his seatbelt and went to open the door. “Hey, where’re you going?”
Miles turned back to face him. “I’ve had enough of your directions.”
Phoenix blinked. “Huh…?”
“I’d rather walk in the direction I know is right than waste more fuel thanks to your useless guidance.”
“Oh…”
I thought he was going to bail and leave me stranded for a second there.
Miles got out of the car and gestured for Phoenix to follow. “We’re already late, Wright.”
“Alright, alright, give me a chance.” Phoenix opened the door and stepped out, smoothing down his shirt before slamming the door closed - a bit harder than necessary - for Miles to lock.
After a small suspicious look from Miles, they started walking back down the dead end together. Phoenix stuffed his hands in his jeans’ pockets. The night air was fresh and the wind was gentle, but there was still a chill that kept making a shiver run down his spine every now and again. He took to squeezing his arms tightly to his sides and started walking a bit faster.
“Did we really need to get out of the car?” Phoenix mumbled, kicking a stone. It didn’t go very far, but he told himself that it had been a big stone.
“Stop complaining. Being in there was giving me a headache.”
So his measly headache is worth freezing me to death?
…Okay, slight exaggeration, but still. Pure selfishness!
“You’re gonna have to get used to me being in close proximity someday,” Phoenix commented with a cheeky grin.
Miles looked at him blankly. “I sincerely hope not.”
Phoenix laughed. “Speaking of which, I’ve been thinking about what you could do to make us look like a couple.”
Miles glanced over at him. “I dread to ask…”
“For a start, you can continuously call me handsome,” Phoenix said, running a hand over his hair for effect. “And I’m sure a few compliments about how amazing I am at my job would definitely help.”
“I see.” Miles smirked. “I’ll be sure not to leave out how enthralled I am by your adventurous stories and quick wit.”
Phoenix grinned. “I think you’re getting the hang of this.”
Miles shrugged. “It appears that all acting as a couple involves is blatant lying through the teeth.”
“Hey, don’t you go getting any ideas like that!” Phoenix exclaimed. “It’s not all about lies. You can tell the truth too, you know.”
Miles looked down at the sidewalk, turning his head away from Phoenix. “I don’t think the truth would be a good idea in our case.”
“Ah, true,” Phoenix agreed. “Our case is a very special one, though. That’s the only reason for all the lies, Edgeworth.”
“Special is one word for it,” Miles replied dryly.
“Yeah.” Phoenix chuckled. “Perhaps ‘fake’ would have been more suitable.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of ‘idiotic’.”
Phoenix frowned.
Idiotic? That’s a bit harsh. I wouldn’t say our relationship is that bad…
…Should I really be taking offence at that?
“I take offence at that,” Phoenix blurted out in all seriousness.
Miles looked at him, a confused expression on his face. “What?”
Phoenix took to staring at the ground. “Well, I don’t think it’s idiotic for us to, you know, spend more time together, and all that…”
There was silence for a moment, making Phoenix feel like an idiot.
“I… agree,” Miles replied, his tone stiff. “I was referring more to the idiotic nature of the situation. We are going to Everett’s family party, after all.”
Phoenix laughed and looked back up at Miles. “That’s if we ever get there.”
Miles smirked. “We are currently walking along Soul Street and heading straight to our doom.”
“Oh, I didn’t notice!” Phoenix turned his head to take a glance down the street. “I think I was expecting a more… spooky road.”
“Not all prosecutors are evil demons, Wright.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever met Kath?”
Miles chuckled, but then suddenly went quiet, before asking, “Which house number is it again?”
“455 Soul Street,” Phoenix recited, turning to look at Miles, who had stopped walking. “Even I could remember that one, Edgeworth.”
“I knew it.” Miles pointed to the house he’d been inspecting. “She’s too predictable…”
Turning on the spot, Phoenix saw what Miles was going on about.
Under the light of the streetlamps, the house seemed to radiate colour. The mailbox was painted a bright pink, the pole holding it up was dark red, the garage was green and the front door was pastel blue. There was a flower bed in the front garden that was stuffed full with dead or dying plants, and a massive, untamed bush sat in the middle, looking slightly out of place.
Thanks to the sound of loud music and the amount of cars parked in the driveway, it was then of no surprise to Phoenix that the gold-plated plaque read ‘455’.
“Well, then,” Phoenix turned to face the way they came, “I’ve had my daily exercise now. Fancy taking me back home?”
Miles grabbed his arm. “Don’t you dare, Wright.” He steered him towards the house. “This was your idea, remember?”
He should know by now that my ideas are never good…
They reached the front door and Miles let go of Phoenix’s arm to press the doorbell. A rendition of the Westminster Chimes rang out on top of the music on the inside.
Typical. Loud, annoying and it hangs around way too long.
Phoenix swallowed. “Before I die, Edgeworth, I’d like to take the time to say that you’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
“And I can gladly say that you’re the worst boyfriend I’ve ever had, Wright.”
Love you too, Edgey-baby.
The door flew open to reveal a beaming Kath, wine glass in hand. “You both made it!” She looked at the two of them, her gaze suddenly turning sullen. “Really, now, I would’ve expected more from the two of you. You’re both adults, you know!”
Phoenix turned to Miles, confused.
“What do you mean, Everett?” Miles asked, looking slightly put out.
“It’s Kath, Miles. Kath,” she reminded him. “What I mean is that you’re nearly an hour late to my party and you’re both looking very flustered!”
“Ah, yeah…” Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “We kinda… got lost.”
Miles snorted and crossed his arms. “I wonder whose fault that was?”
Phoenix shot a glare across at him.
“Oh, I’m betting it was Mr. Wright’s,” Kath commented, a hand on her hip. “Couldn’t you have at least waited until after the party to get it on with Miles? I’m so disappointed in you!”
…Oh. Now I get it.
“I’m sorry, Miss Everett,” Phoenix said solemnly. He then reached out to place an arm around Miles’ hips, much to the other’s obvious disdain. “I just couldn’t resist him in these tight pants, you know?”
Kath blinked, a blush appearing on her cheeks. “T-tight…?” She took a big gulp of wine, before exclaiming, “Please, both of you, come right in!”
Miles sent Phoenix a pointed look, forcibly removing his arm, to which Phoenix replied with a grin.
And the night has just begun, my friend.
They followed Kath through the short hallway and into the living room, where several people were sitting on various mismatched coloured chairs. Loud pop music filled the room and Phoenix noticed Larry talking to a pair of girls in the far corner. After taking a bottle of wine off the table next to them to quickly refill her glass, Kath ushered them over to the man and woman sitting on the couch nearest the door.
The two of them were wearing matching, bright orange suits and they both had the same creepy smile on their face. It was a great first impression, to say the least.
“Miles, Mr. Wright, I’d like to introduce you to my favourite parents!”
Both of them suddenly burst out laughing in a shrill, alike way that grated on Phoenix’s eardrums.
This explains a lot.
Kath’s parents both held out a hand, the same smile still plastered on their faces. “The name’s Robin, nice to meet you!” they said in unison, before turning to look at each other in shock.
“Oh, baby,” the female Robin cooed, taking her husband’s face in her hands. “That was so masterful; it was like we had rehearsed!”
“You’d have thought we were twins, darling!” the male Robin agreed, placing his arms around her waist.
“You both get along… well,” Phoenix said weakly.
Robin rubbed her nose against Robin’s, before pulling away and turning to face Miles and Phoenix. “If you’re ever even half as much in love as we are, I’m sure it will last till the end of eternity.”
“Naturally,” Robin added. “As soon as I heard my beautiful Robin’s name, I knew it was fate.”
They both turned to look at each other again and sighed dreamily.
The fact that Phoenix did not gag at the sight was truly a miracle.
“Mom, dad, these are the friends I was talking about before,” Kath interrupted.
“Oh, really!” female Robin exclaimed, seeming to look at Miles and Phoenix properly for the first time. “So these are the two guys madly in love?”
“That’s simply wonderful! Isn’t it, honey?” Robin commented, throwing an arm over Robin’s shoulders.
“Nice to meet you, too,” Miles said in a tone devoid of emotion.
Phoenix snorted in an attempt to stop his laughter. “Yeah, it’s a pleasure to meet people who are even more in love than us two. I didn’t know such a thing existed!” He grinned at Miles, which only earned him the millionth glare of the night.
“Oh, what a sweetie.” Robin turned to her husband. “Isn’t he cute, baby?”
Robin nodded. “Kath, dear, you’ve done well to find such lovely friends.”
Yep, this truly explains everything…
“Which is why I’m going to show them off to the rest of our crazy lot!” Kath laughed, before steering Miles and Phoenix over to the next set of people lounging near the fireplace.
The woman looked like a slightly older Kath as she had the same eyes and the same distinctive cherub face. However, her hair was longer and blonde, and the clothes she was wearing seemed a lot more casual than Phoenix had ever seen Kath wear. Next to her was a tanned man with chin-length hair and plenty of stubble. He was wearing a thin, checkered neck scarf and a wide open shirt - he must have thought he had something to be proud of.
“This is my sister, Beth,” Kath explained, running her hand in front of Beth as if she was modeling something of interest. “And this,” she pointed over at the man, “is her fiancé, Enrique.”
Enrique?
Phoenix bit his lip.
No way…
It is a small world, after all!
“Miles Edgeworth,” Miles stated with a slight clearing of the throat, indicating to Phoenix that he had also spotted the joke - for once.
“And I’m Phoenix Wright.” Phoenix turned to Enrique. “Just for completeness’ sake, may I ask what your last name is?” Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Miles’ lips twitch upwards in what resembled a smile.
Enrique held out a hand to shake, smiling, before answering, “It’s Lawrence.”
…You have got to be kidding.
Laughter burst out before Phoenix could smother it, but a cold stare from Beth quickly cut it off.
“What’s so funny, like?” she asked in a stern tone.
“Ah, sorry, I was just… You see… well… thing is…”
“We used to know someone with the same name,” Miles intervened, composed, as always.
Beth narrowed her eyes. “Don’t tell me… You’re, like, those fucking gays, aren’t you?”
Enrique sat back up in his seat. “Really? You’re homos?”
Phoenix blinked.
How the hell did she guess that one?
“We are together, in a relationship, yes,” Miles replied casually, apparently pretending not to notice the menace behind their words.
“But we prefer ‘shirt-lifting queers’, if you don’t mind,” Phoenix said as breezily as possible, trying not to sound too defensive.
Kath laughed and Enrique nearly followed suit, before a look from Beth made him turn it into a cough.
“I don’t think queens like you deserve that decision,” Beth retaliated.
Phoenix was slightly taken aback. He glanced at Miles, assuming he’d know what to do. Nothing was said. Awkwardness filled the space between them and Beth.
“Oh, don’t mind my sister. She has a flawed sense of wit,” Kath said, effectively cutting through the heavy atmosphere that had arisen.
“Don’t defend those poofs, Kath. It’s people like them who bring society down.”
“Stop being silly, Beth,” Kath commented light-heartedly. She turned to Phoenix and Miles. “See what I mean? Completely flawed.”
‘Flawed sense of wit’ my ass. I feel psychologically abused!
…And I’m not even really gay!
Speechless, Phoenix did a small, uncommitted nod.
“Man, why would you bother being gay?” Enrique spoke up. He shook his head. “I just don’t get it. What would you do without this?” He grabbed Beth’s thigh. “Or this.” He ran his other hand through her hair, making her giggle. “And I couldn’t ever do without these,” he added, reaching forward to grope Beth’s breasts.
Beth slapped his hands away. “Down, boy!” She wagged her finger in front of his face. “Save it for later.”
Ugh… Shoot me now.
Phoenix half expected Enrique to growl - or do something equally retarded - but instead, he simply laid a hand on top of hers and winked.
“We’ll leave you to it,” Kath cut in, passing the wink on to Miles and Phoenix. She didn’t seem to notice their discomfort. “There’s a couple more of the family to meet, anyway…” She directed them over to the last group of people in the room.
“Hold it, Kathy!” Larry shouted, leaning forward in his position between the two girls who were obviously twins.
Oh, joy…
“What is it, Larry?”
“Don’t bring them near me!” Larry replied, way too loudly, pointing at Miles and Phoenix. “They’re horrible people! Horrible!” Tears welled up in his eyes and he started to sway from side to side. The twins looked at each other and then at Kath, who simply shrugged before going over to talk to them.
Phoenix sighed. “What have we done now?”
“Where was my lift!? Where did you plan to fit little, old Larry into your preparations for this party, eh!?” Larry sniffled and threw his arms around the twins, who didn’t seem to care as they carried on their conversation with Kath. “I’m sick of being the third wheel, man! I need love and attention!”
Miles looked towards the ceiling, muttering something under his breath. Phoenix probably would have laughed, if it weren’t for the realisation that they now had to put up with a very drunk Larry on top of being in a house full of Everetts.
“You told us that you were making your own way here so you could be early for your ‘dearest Kathy’,” Phoenix argued, even though he knew it was completely useless.
“You! You’re the worst! You’re… you’re…” Larry seemed to run out of steam after his initial outburst. He scratched his chin and tilted his head to the side. “Dudes, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you! Come here!”
He lunged forward to wrap his arms around both of them, but Miles managed to escape by taking a step back.
“I love you, man,” Larry said with a hand on his chest. “Not an I’ll-go-gay-and-have-sex-with-you love, mind you,” he amended. “I’m not Edgey.”
Miles sent a glare Larry’s way.
“Right, of course not,” Phoenix muttered, detaching Larry and making sure he could stand up without falling over. “How much have you had?”
Larry looked at him blankly. “How much Edgey have I had? Wouldn’t you like to know!” He laughed and nudged Phoenix with his elbow.
“Larry!” Miles cut in sharply.
“Only joking, Edgey, only joking!” Larry put his hands up, miraculously not falling on his face as he did so. “We wouldn’t want your beloved Nicky to learn of your shady past, now, would we?”
You mean all those wild nights he spent in his room polishing his Steel Samurai spear, praying that no one would ever find out?
Phoenix chuckled, but quickly stopped himself as Miles didn’t seem amused. “I meant, how much have you had to drink? Alcohol, that is.”
Larry’s eyes lit up. “Ah, you’ve spotted my most brilliant plan, Nick!” He stood there with a massive grin on his face, looking at the two of them expectantly.
Phoenix turned to Miles, who shook his head.
After staring for a while, he finally decided to carry on. “Dudes, I drove here and I’m gonna get so drunk that I won’t be able to drive home so I’ll have to stay over!” He paused to make sure that Kath wasn’t listening, then continued in a lower voice, “Then, in the middle of the night, I’ll get up to go to the bathroom and go back into the wrong room!” He grinned. “The wrong room being her bedroom, of course…”
Phoenix pulled a weak smile, whereas Miles looked totally uninterested.
Larry threw his arms out. “See? It’s genius! I’m a genius, Nick!”
“Pure genius,” Phoenix responded, his smile getting even weaker.
Larry spun around and shouted, “I’m a genius, aren’t I, Kathy?”
“Yes, yes, of course you are, Larry.”
Looking pleased with himself, Larry sauntered off towards the drinks table.
Kath then seemed to remember about her torture session as she caught Phoenix’s eye. “Oh, you two, come meet the rest of the family!”
With pleasure…
“These two are my cousins,” Kath said, gesturing at the twins. “Yvanna and Fanny.”
Phoenix and Miles looked at each other and Phoenix could tell that Miles knew exactly what he was thinking.
To hell with it. I’m not letting him stop me.
“Yes, please!” Phoenix exclaimed, not missing the ‘I knew it’ expression on Miles’ face.
Fanny grinned and Yvanna twirled her long, black braid around her finger with a good-natured smile. Strangely, they looked less alike than Kath’s parents did. Fanny had cut her hair into a short bob and wore a patterned dress with almost no makeup, whereas Yvanna had opted for a pantsuit and gone for a striking red lipstick. But despite their different styles, they were still obviously twins.
“Excuse him,” Miles said, putting a hand on Phoenix’s shoulder. “Don’t let his appearance fool you. He has the mental age of a teenager.”
Phoenix raised his eyebrows. “Well, it’s better than having the same taste in furnishings as a grandpa.”
“I’d describe it as having refined taste.”
“Oh, sorry,” Phoenix replied sarcastically. “I didn’t realise that pink was a refined colour.”
Miles smirked. “No problem. I understand how it would be difficult for someone like you to tell the difference.”
“Oh, these two! What are they like?” Kath cut in with a giggle.
Surprised at the interruption, Phoenix turned to face her and her cousins.
Wow, I almost forgot she was there for a second…
“This is Miles, a work colleague,” Kath started, pointing at Miles. “And that’s his boyfriend,” she carried on, doing a half-hearted gesture at Phoenix, “Phoenix Wright.”
“We gathered,” Yvanna commented with a smile.
Phoenix laughed. “That obvious, huh?” He turned to Miles with a smirk.
“About as obvious as the comments we always get after introducing ourselves,” Yvanna added.
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “Always good to know how original I am,” he replied with a chuckle.
“Hey, Kath, aren’t you forgetting someone?” the man sitting nearby cut in. “What did your favourite uncle do to deserve this?”
“Oh, of course!” Kath walked over to him. “This, here, is my uncle Robert! He’s Yvanna and Fanny’s dad.”
Robert had short black hair, the exact same shade as his daughters, and wore a plain white shirt with jeans. He did a small salute to Miles and Phoenix. “Welcome to the mad house.”
Kath reached over to hit him on the arm. “Hey, I’m watching you!” She pointed two fingers at her eyes and then at Robert.
He smiled and took a drink from his beer bottle. “If they haven’t already been scared off, Kath, then I doubt I’ll make any difference in their decision.”
Is he kidding? I’m so scared that I’m too petrified to even try to run away…
“The getaway car is inconveniently parked a whole block down the road,” Phoenix joked with a pointed look at Miles. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with us.”
“Ah, I’m sure we’ll cope,” Robert said with a grin.
“As will we,” Miles added, though whether it was sarcastic or not, Phoenix couldn’t tell.
Robert laughed. “Don’t worry, my niece will soon be leaving us, so you only have to endure for a bit longer.”
“You could sound a little sadder about it.” Kath huffed. “And it’s not like I’m leaving forever. It’s just a year out.”
Phoenix laughed. “That’s right, you’re going to Italy, aren’t you?”
“Corretto!” Kath exclaimed in a poor attempt at an Italian accent.
“Italy sounds so cool.” Yvanna was staring off into space, a wistful smile on her lips. “It’s so pretty over there.”
“She’ll also be living with our brother Tonio for the first couple of weeks,” Fanny added. “He’s a good laugh. I’m pretty jealous!”
Yvanna, Tonio, Fanny…
…I have no comment.
“Oh, but that’s not the best part,” Kath spoke up, swirling the wine in her glass. “All the men have Italian accents!”
Nodding along, Yvanna joined the praise. “I’d say the Italian accent is the best European accent out there!”
As the three women started gushing about the Italian language and how it made the pasta taste better when it had an Italian name, Phoenix turned to Miles. “I disagree,” he stated with a smirk.
Miles sighed. “If you dare say that you prefer the British accent, you’re walking home.”
…Am I really that predictable?
“As if I would,” Phoenix proclaimed, sounding hurt that Miles could even suggest such a thing. “I disagree with, you know, the accent being… something… like, being something…” He trailed off, looking away from Miles’ disbelieving expression, before inspiration struck. With a pointed finger, he swirled back around to face Miles. “I disagree with it being the main reason to go to Italy!”
Nice save, Phoenix!
If only I didn’t sound so relieved at thinking of something…
Miles smiled slightly and shook his head. “You’re impossible.”
“I guess being impossible is better than being idiotic,” Phoenix replied, a sheepish smile on his face.
Miles raised an eyebrow. “No, you’re that too.”
“Hey! That’s tot--” Phoenix was cut short as he was pushed into Miles. Thankfully, he managed to steady himself, so it was little more than a fleeting contact between the two. Phoenix turned around to see Kath standing directly where he had been standing.
“Sorry, excuse me,” Kath said, pointing at her empty wine glass.
Phoenix eyed the space behind her. It was empty - far from what anyone would call a tight squeeze.
“No problem.” He glanced at Miles to see if he’d noticed the same thing, but they didn’t make eye contact as Miles seemed too busy staring at the ceiling.
Suddenly, Kath gasped and put a hand over her mouth. “Oh God, I’m such a bad host! I haven’t even asked what you two want to drink!”
“I’m fine, thank you,” Miles said, detaching his gaze from the ceiling.
Kath laughed. “You’re so funny! But really, Miles, I don’t mind getting one for you.”
Not drinking alcohol at a party must seem pretty alien to her…
“He doesn’t like to drink and drive,” Phoenix commented after taking a glance at Miles’ stressed expression.
“One won’t hurt, surely!”
“That’s the attitude that causes accidents, Everett,” Miles pointed out.
Kath put a hand to her cheek. “O-oh, of course, silly me! You’re such a good man, Miles.” She smiled, and then walked off towards the drinks table.
What about my drink…?
“That Kath has always been a bit of a scatterbrain,” Robert noted, catching Phoenix’s attention again. “Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits! But she really is too obvious.”
“Obvious?” Phoenix quizzed.
Robert leaned forward in his chair. “Don’t tell her I told you this, but I think she has a crush on your boyfriend.”
No, really?
“You think?” Phoenix looked at Miles, mock shock on his face. “I did wonder why she kept staring at your ass.”
Miles rolled his eyes. “Don’t pretend you didn’t notice.”
Wow, Edgeworth. There goes my fun…
Robert grinned. “I would warn you to be careful, as Kath usually gets what she wants, but you two look pretty solid from where I’m sitting.”
“Indeed, there’s nothing to worry about, Mr. Everett,” Miles commented.
“Please, call me Robert.”
Miles’ jaw tightened.
I don’t think his brain can process all these first names.
“As much as I appreciate the sentiment, even if Miles and I weren’t together, there’d still be that whole gay thing to sort out,” Phoenix added, making Robert laugh and Miles roll his eyes at his tact.
“Hey, could someone go and open the patio door?” Kath suddenly called from across the room. “It’s getting too hot in here!”
Phoenix looked at Miles, then at Robert, and sighed. “I suppose I should be trying to make a good impression…” he muttered, mostly to himself, before going through to the kitchen.
Edgeworth so could have done this…
After fiddling around with the lock for a bit, he managed to open the door. It led out onto a veranda that was lit by some lights on the railings. Some stairs led down onto a predictably unkempt lawn. Darkness made the state of the garden further back hard to make out, but the mass of tall, leafless trees behind was hard to miss. In the far corner of the veranda, Phoenix spotted a bin full of empty bottles.
What a surprise…
He turned to go back inside, only to come face to face with Enrique.
“Hey, I see you’re trying to get in Kath’s good books too,” Enrique joked with a gesture at the door.
“Oh, yeah…” Phoenix replied uncomfortably. “I, err, better be heading back through…” He moved to the side, but Enrique copied him, stopping him in his tracks.
“She really doesn’t think I’m good enough for her sister, you know?” Enrique said with a chuckle. “Really protective, that one.”
“Really? I should probably go…” Phoenix made another attempt at getting away, only to be stopped again.
Enrique sighed. “This is about before, isn’t it?”
Damned right it’s about before!
“No, of course it isn’t,” Phoenix lied, taking a glance into the living room.
“Look, I’m sorry about those comments, babe.” Enrique ran a hand through his hair, and then rested it on the countertop. “It’s just the part I gotta play.”
…Did he just call me babe?
Phoenix blinked. “What?”
“I actually think you and your boyfriend are hot, if you catch my drift,” Enrique explained with a wink.
“Hot?”
“Totally! You make a good impression on the eye, both of you.”
Phoenix blinked again. “What?”
“Babe, I’m tryin’ to say I’m actually bi,” Enrique pointed out, confirming Phoenix’s suspicions.
Phoenix stared at him, speechless. How could Beth’s fiancé be bi after all that grief she gave Miles and him?
“Don’t say anything, though,” Enrique added quickly. “Beth doesn’t know.”
Phoenix’s eyes widened. “You haven’t told her!?”
Well, what did I expect? Kath could never have had a normal family with normal problems.
Enrique stood up straight and held his hands out defensively. “I know, I know! It’s just not an easy thing to bring up with Beth, you know?”
Phoenix stared on in disbelief.
“Look, it’s like this, see…” Enrique messed up his hair with his hand. “She’s disgusted with anything to do with homosexuality. What am I supposed to do about that? It’s not like I love her any less because of it, so why does she have to know?”
“Well, I guess…” Phoenix paused. “Why are you telling me this?”
Enrique looked away. “I keep telling myself that it’s nothing, but I needed to let it out, you know?”
…Again, why me!?
“I see,” Phoenix said dryly.
“I mean, how would you feel if your Mr. Handsome told you he fancied girls as well as guys?”
By Mr. Handsome, I’m guessing he means Edgeworth…?
That would never happen.
Phoenix smirked at his own personal joke, before bringing his attention back to an expectant Enrique. “It’d be a shock, but I’m pretty sure I could get over it.”
Enrique looked at him sceptically. “Really?”
“Yep. It wouldn’t be enough to make me love him any less,” Phoenix reiterated. “Actually, the fact that he told me would probably strengthen our relationship.”
“I feel you, babe.” Enrique stroked his chin. “I just love her so much, you know? I don’t wanna lose her.”
“Of course you don’t,” Phoenix mumbled to himself.
“Thanks, babe,” Enrique said with a wink. “You’ve been a proper help.”
He doesn’t remember my name, does he?
“No problem.” Phoenix gave him a quick smile in the most reassuring way he could muster. He took the chance to escape with a sidestep and retreated back into the living room.
Looking around, Phoenix managed to spot Miles standing with Kath, Beth and Larry near the drinks table. Miles was looking as distant as ever, but the other three seemed to be having a rather energetic conversation. He made his way over, not being able to hear what they were saying over the music.
“I told you, it’s a romance! Of course the plot isn’t going to be the best ever. It’s the chemistry between the characters that counts!” he heard Kath insist as he got closer.
“You’re so right, Kathy,” Larry agreed, throwing his arms in the air. “It’s all to do with the sexual atmosphere, man.”
Beth scoffed. “There’s no way I could enjoy something like that. Plus I heard the actors can barely act.”
“Totally, Betty,” Larry commented, nodding to himself. “Sucky actors suck.”
More like sucky Larry should make up his mind.
Phoenix raised an eyebrow and turned to Miles.
“Don’t ask,” Miles warned.
“That bad, huh?” Phoenix chuckled. “Sorry for leaving you. I got kinda… sidetracked.”
Miles crossed his arms. “What makes you think I needed you here? If anything, it was a lot more peaceful.”
Peaceful? In this house?
“Forget it, Kath,” Beth said sharply, bringing Phoenix’s attention back to the conversation. “I am not going to watch that shitty movie with you.”
“But, Beth!”
“I’ll just fall asleep! And I can do that at home, for free.”
“Like you could with Enrique around,” Kath muttered.
“I’ll go with you, Kathy!” Larry nudged her elbow. “It’s always a satisfying night out with the Butz in charge,” he added with a wink.
Kath giggled. “That’s sweet of you, Larry, but you were just talking about how much you hate movies without good action scenes.”
“But I love the movies! I love them all!” Larry replied, his voice slurring a bit. “Morning sounds like an amazing one! I mean… Noon? Afternoon? No, wait… Night. Yes, Night is a brilliant movie!” He nodded to himself and took a gulp of beer.
“It’s called ‘Dusk’, Larry,” Kath corrected.
“What’s it about?” Phoenix questioned, glancing at Larry’s beer bottle.
I could so do with one of those…
Kath’s face lit up. “It’s based on the Dusk novel series. It’s a beautiful romance! The guy is a demon and the girl is human so it’d be too dangerous for them to ever be together, but their love is so strong that they find a way to make it work. He even saves her from the evil demons and everything!”
I thought all demons were evil…?
“She must be damned smoked hot for him to bother doing that,” Larry added with a wink.
“I think you mean ‘smoking’,” Beth corrected with a laugh.
Larry took another swig from his bottle, looking confused. “Nah, someone smoking ain’t that hot, Betty.”
Yep, definitely could use some alcohol…
“What are the reviews like?” Miles asked. It seemed he wanted to appear more social than he really was.
“Oh, they’re great! Five stars and everything. Plus, my friend Roxanne said it’s the movie of the decade, and they don’t come along that ofte--” Kath cut herself off and broke out into a massive grin. “Aww, Miles, I didn’t realise you’d be so interested! I didn’t mean to leave you out. If you wanted to come with me, you could have just said, you know.”
Miles held his hands out. “Ev--Kath, that wasn’t my inten--”
“Why, it’s no surprise, really, considering you’re a man in love!” Kath continued across Miles, paying him little attention.
“I don’t think that was what he meant, Miss Everett,” Phoenix commented as he saw Miles rub his forehead in frustration.
Kath’s smile dropped. “It wasn’t?”
“I was considering taking Phoenix out for a movie,” Miles added, sounding surprisingly breezy.
Take me out to watch some chick flick?
Phoenix bit his lip to stop his chuckles.
If that isn’t the most stereotypically gay thing he could have said, I don’t know what is.
“How cute!” Kath exclaimed, surprising no one.
“Oh, Miles, you shouldn’t have!” Phoenix wrapped an arm around his waist. “I think someone deserves a reward for being the most perfect boyfriend.”
“Well, then, we’ll all go together!” Kath balled her hands into fists and waved them around. “That way, we’ll all get to see it.”
Phoenix and Miles looked at each other.
“Actually, Miss Evere--”
“I think I may be able to fit a couple of hours into my schedule,” Miles interrupted, breaking eye contact.
Phoenix had to stare at Miles for a few seconds before the words registered. “What? Seriously?”
“There’s no need to sound so shocked, Phoenix,” Miles said, a tinge of haughtiness to his tone. “You’re the one who always complains that we don’t spend enough quality time together.”
Dumbfounded, Phoenix kept on staring at Miles, who continued to avoid looking back at him.
Did he just…?
He can’t actually want to spend time with me; it’s Edgeworth!
…Yet, he didn’t have to agree there, and I really don’t think it was cause he wants to see that movie.
Phoenix felt a smile work its way onto his face.
Oh well, why am I questioning it?
“Okay, sure,” he said, turning to face Kath. “When do you want to go?”
Kath became overly excited and clapped her hands together multiple times, bouncing on her feet. “Ooh, I don’t know! They have a deal of two for one popcorn on Saturday, I guess.”
Phoenix glanced back at Miles with a grin. “Saturday should be fine.”
“What about me!?” Larry complained, waving his now empty bottle in front of them. “I was the one who wanted to go first!”
“There’s no point, Larry,” Beth said, inspecting her nails. “Who’d want to go out with those two disgusting freaks, anyway?”
“Disgusting freaks?” Phoenix repeated.
“You heard me.” Beth smirked.
Unexplainable anger started to bubble up within Phoenix. Not only were her comments uncalled for, but she barely knew the two of them. And even though the insults lacked any truth, they still cut sharply across him.
“Phoenix…”
The look Miles sent him told him to leave it - his expression must have given a bit too much away. He took a deep breath to calm himself down and turned away from Beth. A reaction would only make the situation worse.
“Yeah, you wouldn’t want to be seen with us disgusting freaks, Larry,” Phoenix stated, taking it as lightly as possible. “I’m sure you could find someone normal and straight to go with.”
“Cool!” Larry exclaimed. “I’ll be sure to ask Maysie next time I see her at the salon!”
“Perhaps you should get Phoenix to ask her for you instead,” Miles mumbled.
“It’s a romance film, after all,” Phoenix continued, ignoring Miles. “I’m sure she would like it.”
“Oh, you have no idea, Mr. Wright!” Kath said excitedly. “It’s like the perfect love story!” She paused. “Actually, it’s so close to your own that it’s almost scary.”
Phoenix and Miles looked at each other, perplexed.
“Why, the two main characters meet in high school and have instant attraction!” Kath nodded to herself. “They just can’t stand being separated and always stare across the room at each other, hoping the other doesn’t notice…” She trailed off, a smile on her face.
That… isn’t even remotely similar to anything Edgeworth and I have experienced.
Kath sighed. “Beth, it’s so amazing what’s happened between these two.”
“Amazing isn’t a word I’d use, like,” Beth commented.
“No, seriously,” Kath insisted. “Mr. Wright must have known from the moment they met that it had to be destiny. It’s so cute! He learned of Miles becoming a lawyer and completely switched careers, just to see the guy after fifteen whole years of them being apart! Miles’ passion for the law and justice must have really touched him!”
She makes me sound like some creepy, obsessed stalker.
“You’re so right, Kathy!” Larry interjected. “They’re the cutest gays ever in the entire world!”
“Tch.” Beth looked unstirred. “I think it’s disgusting that kids that young can become like that.”
“Totally agree, Betty,” Larry said, nodding. “You’d have to be insane to want to be done in the ass!”
“It’s the principle,” Kath argued. “And, on top of that, they look totally hot together.”
Nice argument there, Kath…
“It’s a waste,” Beth replied. “Why are all the cute guys gay?”
“Sugar lump, not all the cute guys are gay!” Larry put a hand on his chest.
Beth simply looked bemused.
“Beth, you really are silly sometimes.” Kath put a hand on Miles’ shoulder, making him pull a face. “It is so not a waste. Miles even told me himself that he expected their relationship to last a very long time and that Mr. Wright is amazing in bed!”
Phoenix burst into laughter as Miles’ jaw clenched; his embarrassment was showing as clear as day.
“Don’t make things up, Everett,” Miles muttered, glaring at Phoenix as he continued to laugh.
Frowning, Kath let go of his shoulder and turned to face him. “There’s no need to be ashamed, Miles. It’s perfectly natural to think that the one you love has the best technique to make you feel like you’ve been lifted off your feet into heaven!”
I have to congratulate Everett for her amazing ability to embarrass Edgeworth so well.
“That is practically perjury,” Miles said sharply, a defensive scowl on his face.
“Aww! Edgey-baby thinks Nicky-boy is purdy!” Larry added, grinning.
“That’s so cute, Miles!” Kath clapped her hands a few times. “Even though we all know how much you adore Mr. Wright, you’re still embarrassed when people notice!”
She is definitely doing this on purpose now…
“Everett, please don’t let that idiot think I compliment him every time his back is turned,” Miles said, gesturing at Phoenix.
“Oh, I can’t lie now, can I, Miles?” Kath replied with a wink.
Beth rolled her eyes at that and walked off, leaving Phoenix wondering why she hadn’t left long before.
“Dudes, where’s Betty going?” Larry asked, a genuine look of confusion on his face.
“She’s looking for that cute straight guy you mentioned before,” Phoenix replied.
“What!? Is she blind?” Larry shook his head. “Man, I think you should buy your sis some glasses, Kathy. She could walk into all your vases and everything with that bad eyesight of hers.”
I think he’s being serious…
Kath laughed. “Larry, you’re so funny! And we haven’t even started on the spirits yet.”
“Spirits?” Miles questioned, his eyes narrowing.
“Yeah! What party would be complete without a few drinking games and shots?” Kath stated matter-of-factly.
Phoenix grinned. “You’re forgetting Miles’ tea parties.”
“I’m sure my tea parties are some of the wildest nights that you’ve ever had, Phoenix,” Miles retorted with a smirk.
“Oh, I bet they were!” Kath exclaimed.
Phoenix found it hard to pity Miles as Kath winked and nudged him with her elbow - he should have known better than to make that kind of comment in front of her.
It also doesn’t help that when he flinches, I feel a form of malicious pleasure.
“Man, I feel so neglected! Why don’t I ever get invited to your tea parties, Edgey!?” Larry whined, pouting.
“I wonder,” Miles muttered.
“Well, seeing as I’ve got such stiff competition, why don’t we get this party going, eh?” Kath stepped forward, searching through the bottles of alcohol on the table. “Crap, I forgot to put the vodka out… Hey, you two wouldn’t mind going to fetch it from the kitchen for me, would you?” Kath asked, still looking through the bottles. “I’d go myself, but,” she got to a bottle of red wine and picked it up, taking out the replacement cork and pouring herself a glass, “it’d be a bit rude of me, being the hostess and all.”
“Of course we don’t mind,” Miles replied, rather quickly. “Let’s go, Phoenix.”
Phoenix looked haplessly at the beer bottles that were clustered next to the wine. “But--” He cut himself off as he turned to Miles and saw the distressed expression on his face. “Oh, alright.” He sighed as they made their way to the kitchen.
I’d rather just sit down and have a quiet beer than run around doing errands, to be honest…
Click for Part Two
The usual thanks to llamaramauk for betaing our monster chapters :)
Title: Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
Authors: Lyrical Rawr & Shiva
Pairing: Fake!? Phoenix/Edgeworth
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Romance
Warnings: Swearing, possible SPOILERS for GS1 and 2
Status: Complete
Word count (Ch.12): 15,958
Summary: Miles desperately needs a way to get rid of an unwanted admirer, and what better way is there than to pretend to date his very male, straight best friend and rival? It sounded so foolproof in his head...
Chapter 1 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 21
Chapter 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 17
Chapter 3 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 18
Chapter 4 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 19
Chapter 5 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 20
Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
-- Chapter 12 --
A Nightmare on Soul Street
Phoenix sat back in his seat and fought down a grin that was threatening to appear. Miles was driving with such a doomed and resigned expression on his face. It was the funniest thing he’d seen in ages, and funnier still when he thought about how he was the cause of it all.
“Cheer up, Edgeworth,” Phoenix said, breaking the silence that had settled in since the beginning of the car journey. “You look like you’re about to drive us both off a cliff.”
“Why would I do that?” Miles replied dryly, not even sparing Phoenix a glance. “That’s just the roundabout route of getting to hell. We may as well take the fast lane.”
Phoenix laughed. “You say that as if we had a choice in going to this party.”
Miles snorted. “It’s not as if you had a gun to your head when you accepted the invitation, Wright.”
“You know it’s for the best, really,” Phoenix stated, resting his elbow next to the window. “Not a single bit of doubt about us being together will be in her mind by the end of tonight.”
And this little outing serves you right for being a bastard yesterday.
“Where have I heard that one before?” Miles muttered as he slowed the car down for a set of traffic lights. He seemed to think for a moment, a scowl slowly appearing on his face. “Christ, why do you find it so fun to provoke such dread in me?”
Phoenix laughed again.
Revenge is always satisfying, Edgeworth.
“It’ll be fine. You never know, you might even enjoy yourself! There’s no better way to spend a Thursday night than at one of Kath’s parties.”
Miles rolled his eyes and put on the handbrake.
Guess there’s no fooling him then, huh?
“When’s the next turn?” Miles asked, presumably wanting to change their current topic of conversation.
“Err…” Phoenix looked around his seat for the map, but couldn’t see anything in the darkness of the car. “Right, well…” He felt around his feet and behind his back. “Can I get back to you on that one?”
Miles turned to look at Phoenix with a raised eyebrow. “You’ve already lost the map?”
Hey, what do you mean by ‘already’!?
Phoenix sent Miles a sheepish look, checking down the sides of his seat and then his pockets. “It depends how you’d define ‘lost’…”
Miles sighed, setting the car off again when the lights turned green. “I’d define it as not knowing where something is. For instance, your brain seems pretty lost from where I’m sitting.”
“Yeah, well, why don’t you just buy a GPS?” Phoenix bit back. “Or have they not been invented in the time period you live in?”
“So you can misplace that as well? I think not.”
Scowling, Phoenix shifted away from Miles as much as he could in the small space and decided to look out of the window instead.
Stupid Edgeworth…
I had a comeback. I just… decided not to use it.
“I suppose that means you’re saved,” Phoenix said, not really paying attention to what was outside but still looking out the window on principle. “We can’t go to the party if we don’t know how to get there.”
“You don’t say,” Miles commented, sarcasm oozing out of every syllable. “I guess we’ll just have to improvise from what we remember of the road names.”
What? Improvise…?
Phoenix turned to face Miles in a scrutinising way. “Who are you? What did you do with Edgeworth?”
Miles sent him an unimpressed look. “If we don’t show up, I won’t hear the last of it from Everett.”
Phoenix smirked. “Oh, of course.”
I suppose that’s the closest I’ll get to him admitting that I was right about him not trying.
As they approached a junction, Phoenix quickly looked around for signs. It appeared there weren’t any. Obviously, the road was designed to spite him for losing the map.
“Which way, Wright?”
“Err… well…” Phoenix finally spotted the street sign when they got to about twenty metres from the crossroads. “Yes.”
Miles frowned. “What?”
Phoenix pointed to the sign. “Next right!”
Miles slammed the brakes on hard to make the turn, jolting Phoenix forward in his seat. He shook his head. “Prior warning next time, please, Wright!”
I’ll ‘prior warning’ you in a minute! That damned hurt!
“I told you in plenty of time,” Phoenix mumbled, rubbing his neck.
“I prefer directions that I don’t have to decode.”
Phoenix rolled his eyes. “I’ll be sure to remember that, Your Majesty.”
“Good.” Miles wrenched the gear stick down. “And you can stop with the sarcastic remarks as well.”
“Fine. Do you want me to shine your shoes while I’m at it?”
“I’m not letting you anywhere near my shoes,” Miles replied. “You’d simply lose them.”
Phoenix shifted in his seat. “Geez, Edgeworth. Bitter, much?”
Seemingly ignoring Phoenix’s comment, Miles lapsed back into silence, before putting on the right flasher as they approached the next junction.
“It’s a left here, by the way.”
Miles glanced at the road sign. He sent Phoenix an annoyed look, before obliging and flicking his left signal on instead. “I knew that.”
Sure you did.
Trying to mask his triumphant grin, Phoenix took to looking out the side window again. Correcting Miles almost felt as good as embarrassing him.
Embarrassing him is getting too easy, though. It’s almost as if my simple presence is enough now…
Phoenix rested his head on his hand and turned his attention back to the road, deciding the side view was too hard to focus on with the streetlights constantly smudging and distorting his vision.
“Well, we’ve miraculously made it to the correct road,” Miles said. “It’s down to us to find the street now.”
“That’s easy; fifth on the right.” Phoenix sat up and crossed his arms. “No need to thank me and my brilliant directions, Edgeworth.”
“Of course there isn’t. I’m no liar, Wright.” Miles frowned as they passed the next street, and then checked the right wing mirror repeatedly.
“What is it?” Phoenix asked, sitting forward to block Miles’ view of the mirror.
Miles met his eye briefly. “I think that was the street.”
Phoenix turned to look over his shoulder, craning his neck to get a better view. “I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it’s the fifth turn.”
“Wright, I am ninety percent sure that I saw ‘Soul Street’ written on that sign.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “And I’m ninety-nine percent sure that it couldn’t have been.”
Miles threw him a look, before shrugging it off. “If you say so.”
That makes me feel so trusted…
“Yep, I’m sure,” Phoenix insisted. “In fact, I’m surer than sure.”
“I wasn’t questioning you; I agreed.”
“But you didn’t sound like you believed me…”
…Why, hello, my old friend Mr. Pathetic!
“I apologise,” Miles said with a smirk. “I’ll be sure to keep my tone in check from now on.”
Phoenix looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. “You’ll see at the next right.”
The car approached the fifth turn and both of them looked to the street sign at the same time.
Surprisingly, Phoenix had never heard of the road name.
“How sure did you say you were, Wright?”
Me and my big mouth…
Phoenix bit his lip. “It’ll be down here, somewhere.”
When Miles dutifully carried on, Phoenix suspected he was trying to prove his point.
They came to a dead end.
“I’m sure that wasn’t on the map before…” Phoenix mumbled, slumping in his seat.
“Is that right?” Miles shook his head and parked on the side of the road.
“I don’t think this is it, Edgew--” Phoenix cut himself off as Miles took his keys out of the ignition, undid his seatbelt and went to open the door. “Hey, where’re you going?”
Miles turned back to face him. “I’ve had enough of your directions.”
Phoenix blinked. “Huh…?”
“I’d rather walk in the direction I know is right than waste more fuel thanks to your useless guidance.”
“Oh…”
I thought he was going to bail and leave me stranded for a second there.
Miles got out of the car and gestured for Phoenix to follow. “We’re already late, Wright.”
“Alright, alright, give me a chance.” Phoenix opened the door and stepped out, smoothing down his shirt before slamming the door closed - a bit harder than necessary - for Miles to lock.
After a small suspicious look from Miles, they started walking back down the dead end together. Phoenix stuffed his hands in his jeans’ pockets. The night air was fresh and the wind was gentle, but there was still a chill that kept making a shiver run down his spine every now and again. He took to squeezing his arms tightly to his sides and started walking a bit faster.
“Did we really need to get out of the car?” Phoenix mumbled, kicking a stone. It didn’t go very far, but he told himself that it had been a big stone.
“Stop complaining. Being in there was giving me a headache.”
So his measly headache is worth freezing me to death?
…Okay, slight exaggeration, but still. Pure selfishness!
“You’re gonna have to get used to me being in close proximity someday,” Phoenix commented with a cheeky grin.
Miles looked at him blankly. “I sincerely hope not.”
Phoenix laughed. “Speaking of which, I’ve been thinking about what you could do to make us look like a couple.”
Miles glanced over at him. “I dread to ask…”
“For a start, you can continuously call me handsome,” Phoenix said, running a hand over his hair for effect. “And I’m sure a few compliments about how amazing I am at my job would definitely help.”
“I see.” Miles smirked. “I’ll be sure not to leave out how enthralled I am by your adventurous stories and quick wit.”
Phoenix grinned. “I think you’re getting the hang of this.”
Miles shrugged. “It appears that all acting as a couple involves is blatant lying through the teeth.”
“Hey, don’t you go getting any ideas like that!” Phoenix exclaimed. “It’s not all about lies. You can tell the truth too, you know.”
Miles looked down at the sidewalk, turning his head away from Phoenix. “I don’t think the truth would be a good idea in our case.”
“Ah, true,” Phoenix agreed. “Our case is a very special one, though. That’s the only reason for all the lies, Edgeworth.”
“Special is one word for it,” Miles replied dryly.
“Yeah.” Phoenix chuckled. “Perhaps ‘fake’ would have been more suitable.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of ‘idiotic’.”
Phoenix frowned.
Idiotic? That’s a bit harsh. I wouldn’t say our relationship is that bad…
…Should I really be taking offence at that?
“I take offence at that,” Phoenix blurted out in all seriousness.
Miles looked at him, a confused expression on his face. “What?”
Phoenix took to staring at the ground. “Well, I don’t think it’s idiotic for us to, you know, spend more time together, and all that…”
There was silence for a moment, making Phoenix feel like an idiot.
“I… agree,” Miles replied, his tone stiff. “I was referring more to the idiotic nature of the situation. We are going to Everett’s family party, after all.”
Phoenix laughed and looked back up at Miles. “That’s if we ever get there.”
Miles smirked. “We are currently walking along Soul Street and heading straight to our doom.”
“Oh, I didn’t notice!” Phoenix turned his head to take a glance down the street. “I think I was expecting a more… spooky road.”
“Not all prosecutors are evil demons, Wright.”
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever met Kath?”
Miles chuckled, but then suddenly went quiet, before asking, “Which house number is it again?”
“455 Soul Street,” Phoenix recited, turning to look at Miles, who had stopped walking. “Even I could remember that one, Edgeworth.”
“I knew it.” Miles pointed to the house he’d been inspecting. “She’s too predictable…”
Turning on the spot, Phoenix saw what Miles was going on about.
Under the light of the streetlamps, the house seemed to radiate colour. The mailbox was painted a bright pink, the pole holding it up was dark red, the garage was green and the front door was pastel blue. There was a flower bed in the front garden that was stuffed full with dead or dying plants, and a massive, untamed bush sat in the middle, looking slightly out of place.
Thanks to the sound of loud music and the amount of cars parked in the driveway, it was then of no surprise to Phoenix that the gold-plated plaque read ‘455’.
“Well, then,” Phoenix turned to face the way they came, “I’ve had my daily exercise now. Fancy taking me back home?”
Miles grabbed his arm. “Don’t you dare, Wright.” He steered him towards the house. “This was your idea, remember?”
He should know by now that my ideas are never good…
They reached the front door and Miles let go of Phoenix’s arm to press the doorbell. A rendition of the Westminster Chimes rang out on top of the music on the inside.
Typical. Loud, annoying and it hangs around way too long.
Phoenix swallowed. “Before I die, Edgeworth, I’d like to take the time to say that you’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
“And I can gladly say that you’re the worst boyfriend I’ve ever had, Wright.”
Love you too, Edgey-baby.
The door flew open to reveal a beaming Kath, wine glass in hand. “You both made it!” She looked at the two of them, her gaze suddenly turning sullen. “Really, now, I would’ve expected more from the two of you. You’re both adults, you know!”
Phoenix turned to Miles, confused.
“What do you mean, Everett?” Miles asked, looking slightly put out.
“It’s Kath, Miles. Kath,” she reminded him. “What I mean is that you’re nearly an hour late to my party and you’re both looking very flustered!”
“Ah, yeah…” Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “We kinda… got lost.”
Miles snorted and crossed his arms. “I wonder whose fault that was?”
Phoenix shot a glare across at him.
“Oh, I’m betting it was Mr. Wright’s,” Kath commented, a hand on her hip. “Couldn’t you have at least waited until after the party to get it on with Miles? I’m so disappointed in you!”
…Oh. Now I get it.
“I’m sorry, Miss Everett,” Phoenix said solemnly. He then reached out to place an arm around Miles’ hips, much to the other’s obvious disdain. “I just couldn’t resist him in these tight pants, you know?”
Kath blinked, a blush appearing on her cheeks. “T-tight…?” She took a big gulp of wine, before exclaiming, “Please, both of you, come right in!”
Miles sent Phoenix a pointed look, forcibly removing his arm, to which Phoenix replied with a grin.
And the night has just begun, my friend.
They followed Kath through the short hallway and into the living room, where several people were sitting on various mismatched coloured chairs. Loud pop music filled the room and Phoenix noticed Larry talking to a pair of girls in the far corner. After taking a bottle of wine off the table next to them to quickly refill her glass, Kath ushered them over to the man and woman sitting on the couch nearest the door.
The two of them were wearing matching, bright orange suits and they both had the same creepy smile on their face. It was a great first impression, to say the least.
“Miles, Mr. Wright, I’d like to introduce you to my favourite parents!”
Both of them suddenly burst out laughing in a shrill, alike way that grated on Phoenix’s eardrums.
This explains a lot.
Kath’s parents both held out a hand, the same smile still plastered on their faces. “The name’s Robin, nice to meet you!” they said in unison, before turning to look at each other in shock.
“Oh, baby,” the female Robin cooed, taking her husband’s face in her hands. “That was so masterful; it was like we had rehearsed!”
“You’d have thought we were twins, darling!” the male Robin agreed, placing his arms around her waist.
“You both get along… well,” Phoenix said weakly.
Robin rubbed her nose against Robin’s, before pulling away and turning to face Miles and Phoenix. “If you’re ever even half as much in love as we are, I’m sure it will last till the end of eternity.”
“Naturally,” Robin added. “As soon as I heard my beautiful Robin’s name, I knew it was fate.”
They both turned to look at each other again and sighed dreamily.
The fact that Phoenix did not gag at the sight was truly a miracle.
“Mom, dad, these are the friends I was talking about before,” Kath interrupted.
“Oh, really!” female Robin exclaimed, seeming to look at Miles and Phoenix properly for the first time. “So these are the two guys madly in love?”
“That’s simply wonderful! Isn’t it, honey?” Robin commented, throwing an arm over Robin’s shoulders.
“Nice to meet you, too,” Miles said in a tone devoid of emotion.
Phoenix snorted in an attempt to stop his laughter. “Yeah, it’s a pleasure to meet people who are even more in love than us two. I didn’t know such a thing existed!” He grinned at Miles, which only earned him the millionth glare of the night.
“Oh, what a sweetie.” Robin turned to her husband. “Isn’t he cute, baby?”
Robin nodded. “Kath, dear, you’ve done well to find such lovely friends.”
Yep, this truly explains everything…
“Which is why I’m going to show them off to the rest of our crazy lot!” Kath laughed, before steering Miles and Phoenix over to the next set of people lounging near the fireplace.
The woman looked like a slightly older Kath as she had the same eyes and the same distinctive cherub face. However, her hair was longer and blonde, and the clothes she was wearing seemed a lot more casual than Phoenix had ever seen Kath wear. Next to her was a tanned man with chin-length hair and plenty of stubble. He was wearing a thin, checkered neck scarf and a wide open shirt - he must have thought he had something to be proud of.
“This is my sister, Beth,” Kath explained, running her hand in front of Beth as if she was modeling something of interest. “And this,” she pointed over at the man, “is her fiancé, Enrique.”
Enrique?
Phoenix bit his lip.
No way…
It is a small world, after all!
“Miles Edgeworth,” Miles stated with a slight clearing of the throat, indicating to Phoenix that he had also spotted the joke - for once.
“And I’m Phoenix Wright.” Phoenix turned to Enrique. “Just for completeness’ sake, may I ask what your last name is?” Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Miles’ lips twitch upwards in what resembled a smile.
Enrique held out a hand to shake, smiling, before answering, “It’s Lawrence.”
…You have got to be kidding.
Laughter burst out before Phoenix could smother it, but a cold stare from Beth quickly cut it off.
“What’s so funny, like?” she asked in a stern tone.
“Ah, sorry, I was just… You see… well… thing is…”
“We used to know someone with the same name,” Miles intervened, composed, as always.
Beth narrowed her eyes. “Don’t tell me… You’re, like, those fucking gays, aren’t you?”
Enrique sat back up in his seat. “Really? You’re homos?”
Phoenix blinked.
How the hell did she guess that one?
“We are together, in a relationship, yes,” Miles replied casually, apparently pretending not to notice the menace behind their words.
“But we prefer ‘shirt-lifting queers’, if you don’t mind,” Phoenix said as breezily as possible, trying not to sound too defensive.
Kath laughed and Enrique nearly followed suit, before a look from Beth made him turn it into a cough.
“I don’t think queens like you deserve that decision,” Beth retaliated.
Phoenix was slightly taken aback. He glanced at Miles, assuming he’d know what to do. Nothing was said. Awkwardness filled the space between them and Beth.
“Oh, don’t mind my sister. She has a flawed sense of wit,” Kath said, effectively cutting through the heavy atmosphere that had arisen.
“Don’t defend those poofs, Kath. It’s people like them who bring society down.”
“Stop being silly, Beth,” Kath commented light-heartedly. She turned to Phoenix and Miles. “See what I mean? Completely flawed.”
‘Flawed sense of wit’ my ass. I feel psychologically abused!
…And I’m not even really gay!
Speechless, Phoenix did a small, uncommitted nod.
“Man, why would you bother being gay?” Enrique spoke up. He shook his head. “I just don’t get it. What would you do without this?” He grabbed Beth’s thigh. “Or this.” He ran his other hand through her hair, making her giggle. “And I couldn’t ever do without these,” he added, reaching forward to grope Beth’s breasts.
Beth slapped his hands away. “Down, boy!” She wagged her finger in front of his face. “Save it for later.”
Ugh… Shoot me now.
Phoenix half expected Enrique to growl - or do something equally retarded - but instead, he simply laid a hand on top of hers and winked.
“We’ll leave you to it,” Kath cut in, passing the wink on to Miles and Phoenix. She didn’t seem to notice their discomfort. “There’s a couple more of the family to meet, anyway…” She directed them over to the last group of people in the room.
“Hold it, Kathy!” Larry shouted, leaning forward in his position between the two girls who were obviously twins.
Oh, joy…
“What is it, Larry?”
“Don’t bring them near me!” Larry replied, way too loudly, pointing at Miles and Phoenix. “They’re horrible people! Horrible!” Tears welled up in his eyes and he started to sway from side to side. The twins looked at each other and then at Kath, who simply shrugged before going over to talk to them.
Phoenix sighed. “What have we done now?”
“Where was my lift!? Where did you plan to fit little, old Larry into your preparations for this party, eh!?” Larry sniffled and threw his arms around the twins, who didn’t seem to care as they carried on their conversation with Kath. “I’m sick of being the third wheel, man! I need love and attention!”
Miles looked towards the ceiling, muttering something under his breath. Phoenix probably would have laughed, if it weren’t for the realisation that they now had to put up with a very drunk Larry on top of being in a house full of Everetts.
“You told us that you were making your own way here so you could be early for your ‘dearest Kathy’,” Phoenix argued, even though he knew it was completely useless.
“You! You’re the worst! You’re… you’re…” Larry seemed to run out of steam after his initial outburst. He scratched his chin and tilted his head to the side. “Dudes, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you! Come here!”
He lunged forward to wrap his arms around both of them, but Miles managed to escape by taking a step back.
“I love you, man,” Larry said with a hand on his chest. “Not an I’ll-go-gay-and-have-sex-with-you love, mind you,” he amended. “I’m not Edgey.”
Miles sent a glare Larry’s way.
“Right, of course not,” Phoenix muttered, detaching Larry and making sure he could stand up without falling over. “How much have you had?”
Larry looked at him blankly. “How much Edgey have I had? Wouldn’t you like to know!” He laughed and nudged Phoenix with his elbow.
“Larry!” Miles cut in sharply.
“Only joking, Edgey, only joking!” Larry put his hands up, miraculously not falling on his face as he did so. “We wouldn’t want your beloved Nicky to learn of your shady past, now, would we?”
You mean all those wild nights he spent in his room polishing his Steel Samurai spear, praying that no one would ever find out?
Phoenix chuckled, but quickly stopped himself as Miles didn’t seem amused. “I meant, how much have you had to drink? Alcohol, that is.”
Larry’s eyes lit up. “Ah, you’ve spotted my most brilliant plan, Nick!” He stood there with a massive grin on his face, looking at the two of them expectantly.
Phoenix turned to Miles, who shook his head.
After staring for a while, he finally decided to carry on. “Dudes, I drove here and I’m gonna get so drunk that I won’t be able to drive home so I’ll have to stay over!” He paused to make sure that Kath wasn’t listening, then continued in a lower voice, “Then, in the middle of the night, I’ll get up to go to the bathroom and go back into the wrong room!” He grinned. “The wrong room being her bedroom, of course…”
Phoenix pulled a weak smile, whereas Miles looked totally uninterested.
Larry threw his arms out. “See? It’s genius! I’m a genius, Nick!”
“Pure genius,” Phoenix responded, his smile getting even weaker.
Larry spun around and shouted, “I’m a genius, aren’t I, Kathy?”
“Yes, yes, of course you are, Larry.”
Looking pleased with himself, Larry sauntered off towards the drinks table.
Kath then seemed to remember about her torture session as she caught Phoenix’s eye. “Oh, you two, come meet the rest of the family!”
With pleasure…
“These two are my cousins,” Kath said, gesturing at the twins. “Yvanna and Fanny.”
Phoenix and Miles looked at each other and Phoenix could tell that Miles knew exactly what he was thinking.
To hell with it. I’m not letting him stop me.
“Yes, please!” Phoenix exclaimed, not missing the ‘I knew it’ expression on Miles’ face.
Fanny grinned and Yvanna twirled her long, black braid around her finger with a good-natured smile. Strangely, they looked less alike than Kath’s parents did. Fanny had cut her hair into a short bob and wore a patterned dress with almost no makeup, whereas Yvanna had opted for a pantsuit and gone for a striking red lipstick. But despite their different styles, they were still obviously twins.
“Excuse him,” Miles said, putting a hand on Phoenix’s shoulder. “Don’t let his appearance fool you. He has the mental age of a teenager.”
Phoenix raised his eyebrows. “Well, it’s better than having the same taste in furnishings as a grandpa.”
“I’d describe it as having refined taste.”
“Oh, sorry,” Phoenix replied sarcastically. “I didn’t realise that pink was a refined colour.”
Miles smirked. “No problem. I understand how it would be difficult for someone like you to tell the difference.”
“Oh, these two! What are they like?” Kath cut in with a giggle.
Surprised at the interruption, Phoenix turned to face her and her cousins.
Wow, I almost forgot she was there for a second…
“This is Miles, a work colleague,” Kath started, pointing at Miles. “And that’s his boyfriend,” she carried on, doing a half-hearted gesture at Phoenix, “Phoenix Wright.”
“We gathered,” Yvanna commented with a smile.
Phoenix laughed. “That obvious, huh?” He turned to Miles with a smirk.
“About as obvious as the comments we always get after introducing ourselves,” Yvanna added.
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “Always good to know how original I am,” he replied with a chuckle.
“Hey, Kath, aren’t you forgetting someone?” the man sitting nearby cut in. “What did your favourite uncle do to deserve this?”
“Oh, of course!” Kath walked over to him. “This, here, is my uncle Robert! He’s Yvanna and Fanny’s dad.”
Robert had short black hair, the exact same shade as his daughters, and wore a plain white shirt with jeans. He did a small salute to Miles and Phoenix. “Welcome to the mad house.”
Kath reached over to hit him on the arm. “Hey, I’m watching you!” She pointed two fingers at her eyes and then at Robert.
He smiled and took a drink from his beer bottle. “If they haven’t already been scared off, Kath, then I doubt I’ll make any difference in their decision.”
Is he kidding? I’m so scared that I’m too petrified to even try to run away…
“The getaway car is inconveniently parked a whole block down the road,” Phoenix joked with a pointed look at Miles. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with us.”
“Ah, I’m sure we’ll cope,” Robert said with a grin.
“As will we,” Miles added, though whether it was sarcastic or not, Phoenix couldn’t tell.
Robert laughed. “Don’t worry, my niece will soon be leaving us, so you only have to endure for a bit longer.”
“You could sound a little sadder about it.” Kath huffed. “And it’s not like I’m leaving forever. It’s just a year out.”
Phoenix laughed. “That’s right, you’re going to Italy, aren’t you?”
“Corretto!” Kath exclaimed in a poor attempt at an Italian accent.
“Italy sounds so cool.” Yvanna was staring off into space, a wistful smile on her lips. “It’s so pretty over there.”
“She’ll also be living with our brother Tonio for the first couple of weeks,” Fanny added. “He’s a good laugh. I’m pretty jealous!”
Yvanna, Tonio, Fanny…
…I have no comment.
“Oh, but that’s not the best part,” Kath spoke up, swirling the wine in her glass. “All the men have Italian accents!”
Nodding along, Yvanna joined the praise. “I’d say the Italian accent is the best European accent out there!”
As the three women started gushing about the Italian language and how it made the pasta taste better when it had an Italian name, Phoenix turned to Miles. “I disagree,” he stated with a smirk.
Miles sighed. “If you dare say that you prefer the British accent, you’re walking home.”
…Am I really that predictable?
“As if I would,” Phoenix proclaimed, sounding hurt that Miles could even suggest such a thing. “I disagree with, you know, the accent being… something… like, being something…” He trailed off, looking away from Miles’ disbelieving expression, before inspiration struck. With a pointed finger, he swirled back around to face Miles. “I disagree with it being the main reason to go to Italy!”
Nice save, Phoenix!
If only I didn’t sound so relieved at thinking of something…
Miles smiled slightly and shook his head. “You’re impossible.”
“I guess being impossible is better than being idiotic,” Phoenix replied, a sheepish smile on his face.
Miles raised an eyebrow. “No, you’re that too.”
“Hey! That’s tot--” Phoenix was cut short as he was pushed into Miles. Thankfully, he managed to steady himself, so it was little more than a fleeting contact between the two. Phoenix turned around to see Kath standing directly where he had been standing.
“Sorry, excuse me,” Kath said, pointing at her empty wine glass.
Phoenix eyed the space behind her. It was empty - far from what anyone would call a tight squeeze.
“No problem.” He glanced at Miles to see if he’d noticed the same thing, but they didn’t make eye contact as Miles seemed too busy staring at the ceiling.
Suddenly, Kath gasped and put a hand over her mouth. “Oh God, I’m such a bad host! I haven’t even asked what you two want to drink!”
“I’m fine, thank you,” Miles said, detaching his gaze from the ceiling.
Kath laughed. “You’re so funny! But really, Miles, I don’t mind getting one for you.”
Not drinking alcohol at a party must seem pretty alien to her…
“He doesn’t like to drink and drive,” Phoenix commented after taking a glance at Miles’ stressed expression.
“One won’t hurt, surely!”
“That’s the attitude that causes accidents, Everett,” Miles pointed out.
Kath put a hand to her cheek. “O-oh, of course, silly me! You’re such a good man, Miles.” She smiled, and then walked off towards the drinks table.
What about my drink…?
“That Kath has always been a bit of a scatterbrain,” Robert noted, catching Phoenix’s attention again. “Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits! But she really is too obvious.”
“Obvious?” Phoenix quizzed.
Robert leaned forward in his chair. “Don’t tell her I told you this, but I think she has a crush on your boyfriend.”
No, really?
“You think?” Phoenix looked at Miles, mock shock on his face. “I did wonder why she kept staring at your ass.”
Miles rolled his eyes. “Don’t pretend you didn’t notice.”
Wow, Edgeworth. There goes my fun…
Robert grinned. “I would warn you to be careful, as Kath usually gets what she wants, but you two look pretty solid from where I’m sitting.”
“Indeed, there’s nothing to worry about, Mr. Everett,” Miles commented.
“Please, call me Robert.”
Miles’ jaw tightened.
I don’t think his brain can process all these first names.
“As much as I appreciate the sentiment, even if Miles and I weren’t together, there’d still be that whole gay thing to sort out,” Phoenix added, making Robert laugh and Miles roll his eyes at his tact.
“Hey, could someone go and open the patio door?” Kath suddenly called from across the room. “It’s getting too hot in here!”
Phoenix looked at Miles, then at Robert, and sighed. “I suppose I should be trying to make a good impression…” he muttered, mostly to himself, before going through to the kitchen.
Edgeworth so could have done this…
After fiddling around with the lock for a bit, he managed to open the door. It led out onto a veranda that was lit by some lights on the railings. Some stairs led down onto a predictably unkempt lawn. Darkness made the state of the garden further back hard to make out, but the mass of tall, leafless trees behind was hard to miss. In the far corner of the veranda, Phoenix spotted a bin full of empty bottles.
What a surprise…
He turned to go back inside, only to come face to face with Enrique.
“Hey, I see you’re trying to get in Kath’s good books too,” Enrique joked with a gesture at the door.
“Oh, yeah…” Phoenix replied uncomfortably. “I, err, better be heading back through…” He moved to the side, but Enrique copied him, stopping him in his tracks.
“She really doesn’t think I’m good enough for her sister, you know?” Enrique said with a chuckle. “Really protective, that one.”
“Really? I should probably go…” Phoenix made another attempt at getting away, only to be stopped again.
Enrique sighed. “This is about before, isn’t it?”
Damned right it’s about before!
“No, of course it isn’t,” Phoenix lied, taking a glance into the living room.
“Look, I’m sorry about those comments, babe.” Enrique ran a hand through his hair, and then rested it on the countertop. “It’s just the part I gotta play.”
…Did he just call me babe?
Phoenix blinked. “What?”
“I actually think you and your boyfriend are hot, if you catch my drift,” Enrique explained with a wink.
“Hot?”
“Totally! You make a good impression on the eye, both of you.”
Phoenix blinked again. “What?”
“Babe, I’m tryin’ to say I’m actually bi,” Enrique pointed out, confirming Phoenix’s suspicions.
Phoenix stared at him, speechless. How could Beth’s fiancé be bi after all that grief she gave Miles and him?
“Don’t say anything, though,” Enrique added quickly. “Beth doesn’t know.”
Phoenix’s eyes widened. “You haven’t told her!?”
Well, what did I expect? Kath could never have had a normal family with normal problems.
Enrique stood up straight and held his hands out defensively. “I know, I know! It’s just not an easy thing to bring up with Beth, you know?”
Phoenix stared on in disbelief.
“Look, it’s like this, see…” Enrique messed up his hair with his hand. “She’s disgusted with anything to do with homosexuality. What am I supposed to do about that? It’s not like I love her any less because of it, so why does she have to know?”
“Well, I guess…” Phoenix paused. “Why are you telling me this?”
Enrique looked away. “I keep telling myself that it’s nothing, but I needed to let it out, you know?”
…Again, why me!?
“I see,” Phoenix said dryly.
“I mean, how would you feel if your Mr. Handsome told you he fancied girls as well as guys?”
By Mr. Handsome, I’m guessing he means Edgeworth…?
That would never happen.
Phoenix smirked at his own personal joke, before bringing his attention back to an expectant Enrique. “It’d be a shock, but I’m pretty sure I could get over it.”
Enrique looked at him sceptically. “Really?”
“Yep. It wouldn’t be enough to make me love him any less,” Phoenix reiterated. “Actually, the fact that he told me would probably strengthen our relationship.”
“I feel you, babe.” Enrique stroked his chin. “I just love her so much, you know? I don’t wanna lose her.”
“Of course you don’t,” Phoenix mumbled to himself.
“Thanks, babe,” Enrique said with a wink. “You’ve been a proper help.”
He doesn’t remember my name, does he?
“No problem.” Phoenix gave him a quick smile in the most reassuring way he could muster. He took the chance to escape with a sidestep and retreated back into the living room.
Looking around, Phoenix managed to spot Miles standing with Kath, Beth and Larry near the drinks table. Miles was looking as distant as ever, but the other three seemed to be having a rather energetic conversation. He made his way over, not being able to hear what they were saying over the music.
“I told you, it’s a romance! Of course the plot isn’t going to be the best ever. It’s the chemistry between the characters that counts!” he heard Kath insist as he got closer.
“You’re so right, Kathy,” Larry agreed, throwing his arms in the air. “It’s all to do with the sexual atmosphere, man.”
Beth scoffed. “There’s no way I could enjoy something like that. Plus I heard the actors can barely act.”
“Totally, Betty,” Larry commented, nodding to himself. “Sucky actors suck.”
More like sucky Larry should make up his mind.
Phoenix raised an eyebrow and turned to Miles.
“Don’t ask,” Miles warned.
“That bad, huh?” Phoenix chuckled. “Sorry for leaving you. I got kinda… sidetracked.”
Miles crossed his arms. “What makes you think I needed you here? If anything, it was a lot more peaceful.”
Peaceful? In this house?
“Forget it, Kath,” Beth said sharply, bringing Phoenix’s attention back to the conversation. “I am not going to watch that shitty movie with you.”
“But, Beth!”
“I’ll just fall asleep! And I can do that at home, for free.”
“Like you could with Enrique around,” Kath muttered.
“I’ll go with you, Kathy!” Larry nudged her elbow. “It’s always a satisfying night out with the Butz in charge,” he added with a wink.
Kath giggled. “That’s sweet of you, Larry, but you were just talking about how much you hate movies without good action scenes.”
“But I love the movies! I love them all!” Larry replied, his voice slurring a bit. “Morning sounds like an amazing one! I mean… Noon? Afternoon? No, wait… Night. Yes, Night is a brilliant movie!” He nodded to himself and took a gulp of beer.
“It’s called ‘Dusk’, Larry,” Kath corrected.
“What’s it about?” Phoenix questioned, glancing at Larry’s beer bottle.
I could so do with one of those…
Kath’s face lit up. “It’s based on the Dusk novel series. It’s a beautiful romance! The guy is a demon and the girl is human so it’d be too dangerous for them to ever be together, but their love is so strong that they find a way to make it work. He even saves her from the evil demons and everything!”
I thought all demons were evil…?
“She must be damned smoked hot for him to bother doing that,” Larry added with a wink.
“I think you mean ‘smoking’,” Beth corrected with a laugh.
Larry took another swig from his bottle, looking confused. “Nah, someone smoking ain’t that hot, Betty.”
Yep, definitely could use some alcohol…
“What are the reviews like?” Miles asked. It seemed he wanted to appear more social than he really was.
“Oh, they’re great! Five stars and everything. Plus, my friend Roxanne said it’s the movie of the decade, and they don’t come along that ofte--” Kath cut herself off and broke out into a massive grin. “Aww, Miles, I didn’t realise you’d be so interested! I didn’t mean to leave you out. If you wanted to come with me, you could have just said, you know.”
Miles held his hands out. “Ev--Kath, that wasn’t my inten--”
“Why, it’s no surprise, really, considering you’re a man in love!” Kath continued across Miles, paying him little attention.
“I don’t think that was what he meant, Miss Everett,” Phoenix commented as he saw Miles rub his forehead in frustration.
Kath’s smile dropped. “It wasn’t?”
“I was considering taking Phoenix out for a movie,” Miles added, sounding surprisingly breezy.
Take me out to watch some chick flick?
Phoenix bit his lip to stop his chuckles.
If that isn’t the most stereotypically gay thing he could have said, I don’t know what is.
“How cute!” Kath exclaimed, surprising no one.
“Oh, Miles, you shouldn’t have!” Phoenix wrapped an arm around his waist. “I think someone deserves a reward for being the most perfect boyfriend.”
“Well, then, we’ll all go together!” Kath balled her hands into fists and waved them around. “That way, we’ll all get to see it.”
Phoenix and Miles looked at each other.
“Actually, Miss Evere--”
“I think I may be able to fit a couple of hours into my schedule,” Miles interrupted, breaking eye contact.
Phoenix had to stare at Miles for a few seconds before the words registered. “What? Seriously?”
“There’s no need to sound so shocked, Phoenix,” Miles said, a tinge of haughtiness to his tone. “You’re the one who always complains that we don’t spend enough quality time together.”
Dumbfounded, Phoenix kept on staring at Miles, who continued to avoid looking back at him.
Did he just…?
He can’t actually want to spend time with me; it’s Edgeworth!
…Yet, he didn’t have to agree there, and I really don’t think it was cause he wants to see that movie.
Phoenix felt a smile work its way onto his face.
Oh well, why am I questioning it?
“Okay, sure,” he said, turning to face Kath. “When do you want to go?”
Kath became overly excited and clapped her hands together multiple times, bouncing on her feet. “Ooh, I don’t know! They have a deal of two for one popcorn on Saturday, I guess.”
Phoenix glanced back at Miles with a grin. “Saturday should be fine.”
“What about me!?” Larry complained, waving his now empty bottle in front of them. “I was the one who wanted to go first!”
“There’s no point, Larry,” Beth said, inspecting her nails. “Who’d want to go out with those two disgusting freaks, anyway?”
“Disgusting freaks?” Phoenix repeated.
“You heard me.” Beth smirked.
Unexplainable anger started to bubble up within Phoenix. Not only were her comments uncalled for, but she barely knew the two of them. And even though the insults lacked any truth, they still cut sharply across him.
“Phoenix…”
The look Miles sent him told him to leave it - his expression must have given a bit too much away. He took a deep breath to calm himself down and turned away from Beth. A reaction would only make the situation worse.
“Yeah, you wouldn’t want to be seen with us disgusting freaks, Larry,” Phoenix stated, taking it as lightly as possible. “I’m sure you could find someone normal and straight to go with.”
“Cool!” Larry exclaimed. “I’ll be sure to ask Maysie next time I see her at the salon!”
“Perhaps you should get Phoenix to ask her for you instead,” Miles mumbled.
“It’s a romance film, after all,” Phoenix continued, ignoring Miles. “I’m sure she would like it.”
“Oh, you have no idea, Mr. Wright!” Kath said excitedly. “It’s like the perfect love story!” She paused. “Actually, it’s so close to your own that it’s almost scary.”
Phoenix and Miles looked at each other, perplexed.
“Why, the two main characters meet in high school and have instant attraction!” Kath nodded to herself. “They just can’t stand being separated and always stare across the room at each other, hoping the other doesn’t notice…” She trailed off, a smile on her face.
That… isn’t even remotely similar to anything Edgeworth and I have experienced.
Kath sighed. “Beth, it’s so amazing what’s happened between these two.”
“Amazing isn’t a word I’d use, like,” Beth commented.
“No, seriously,” Kath insisted. “Mr. Wright must have known from the moment they met that it had to be destiny. It’s so cute! He learned of Miles becoming a lawyer and completely switched careers, just to see the guy after fifteen whole years of them being apart! Miles’ passion for the law and justice must have really touched him!”
She makes me sound like some creepy, obsessed stalker.
“You’re so right, Kathy!” Larry interjected. “They’re the cutest gays ever in the entire world!”
“Tch.” Beth looked unstirred. “I think it’s disgusting that kids that young can become like that.”
“Totally agree, Betty,” Larry said, nodding. “You’d have to be insane to want to be done in the ass!”
“It’s the principle,” Kath argued. “And, on top of that, they look totally hot together.”
Nice argument there, Kath…
“It’s a waste,” Beth replied. “Why are all the cute guys gay?”
“Sugar lump, not all the cute guys are gay!” Larry put a hand on his chest.
Beth simply looked bemused.
“Beth, you really are silly sometimes.” Kath put a hand on Miles’ shoulder, making him pull a face. “It is so not a waste. Miles even told me himself that he expected their relationship to last a very long time and that Mr. Wright is amazing in bed!”
Phoenix burst into laughter as Miles’ jaw clenched; his embarrassment was showing as clear as day.
“Don’t make things up, Everett,” Miles muttered, glaring at Phoenix as he continued to laugh.
Frowning, Kath let go of his shoulder and turned to face him. “There’s no need to be ashamed, Miles. It’s perfectly natural to think that the one you love has the best technique to make you feel like you’ve been lifted off your feet into heaven!”
I have to congratulate Everett for her amazing ability to embarrass Edgeworth so well.
“That is practically perjury,” Miles said sharply, a defensive scowl on his face.
“Aww! Edgey-baby thinks Nicky-boy is purdy!” Larry added, grinning.
“That’s so cute, Miles!” Kath clapped her hands a few times. “Even though we all know how much you adore Mr. Wright, you’re still embarrassed when people notice!”
She is definitely doing this on purpose now…
“Everett, please don’t let that idiot think I compliment him every time his back is turned,” Miles said, gesturing at Phoenix.
“Oh, I can’t lie now, can I, Miles?” Kath replied with a wink.
Beth rolled her eyes at that and walked off, leaving Phoenix wondering why she hadn’t left long before.
“Dudes, where’s Betty going?” Larry asked, a genuine look of confusion on his face.
“She’s looking for that cute straight guy you mentioned before,” Phoenix replied.
“What!? Is she blind?” Larry shook his head. “Man, I think you should buy your sis some glasses, Kathy. She could walk into all your vases and everything with that bad eyesight of hers.”
I think he’s being serious…
Kath laughed. “Larry, you’re so funny! And we haven’t even started on the spirits yet.”
“Spirits?” Miles questioned, his eyes narrowing.
“Yeah! What party would be complete without a few drinking games and shots?” Kath stated matter-of-factly.
Phoenix grinned. “You’re forgetting Miles’ tea parties.”
“I’m sure my tea parties are some of the wildest nights that you’ve ever had, Phoenix,” Miles retorted with a smirk.
“Oh, I bet they were!” Kath exclaimed.
Phoenix found it hard to pity Miles as Kath winked and nudged him with her elbow - he should have known better than to make that kind of comment in front of her.
It also doesn’t help that when he flinches, I feel a form of malicious pleasure.
“Man, I feel so neglected! Why don’t I ever get invited to your tea parties, Edgey!?” Larry whined, pouting.
“I wonder,” Miles muttered.
“Well, seeing as I’ve got such stiff competition, why don’t we get this party going, eh?” Kath stepped forward, searching through the bottles of alcohol on the table. “Crap, I forgot to put the vodka out… Hey, you two wouldn’t mind going to fetch it from the kitchen for me, would you?” Kath asked, still looking through the bottles. “I’d go myself, but,” she got to a bottle of red wine and picked it up, taking out the replacement cork and pouring herself a glass, “it’d be a bit rude of me, being the hostess and all.”
“Of course we don’t mind,” Miles replied, rather quickly. “Let’s go, Phoenix.”
Phoenix looked haplessly at the beer bottles that were clustered next to the wine. “But--” He cut himself off as he turned to Miles and saw the distressed expression on his face. “Oh, alright.” He sighed as they made their way to the kitchen.
I’d rather just sit down and have a quiet beer than run around doing errands, to be honest…
Click for Part Two