Every good movie has a plot. Like that movie where the ailens blow up the White House and then their mothership is crippled by a computer virus and destroyed by F-15's, even though the ailens had complete technological superiority, and every possible military advantage and spaceships and all that. Remember that one? I do. I left the movie theater ( Read more... )

You know all those commercials for sugary cereal marketed at Ritalin - infused children? They are all endorsed by some kind of talking wildlife. That's kinda scary, aint it? If me and a friend were skateboarding (assuming we could) or something, and some gigantic tropical toucan bird pulled some kind of impossible 360 super mega kickflip ollie ( Read more... )

So yesterday me and a couple of guys from rowing were out playing "King of the Dock", a gladitorial bloodsport where we all stand on the dock at 65th street and savagely beat each other to the brink of death whilst trying to throw each other into the water like a band of rabid monkey pirates. The last living man standing on the dock wins bragging ( Read more... )

I really hate this bitch. I don't hate her because she sings roughly as well as Colonel Sanders' disembodied head, and I'm not going to bitch about the fact that she did / did not / did too ruin punk music, because frankly I don't give a fiddler's fart about any of that.

I believe instead the following image will justify my hatred of her.


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You know what I'm pretty goddamn sick of? Those stupid online quizzes where people answer fifty multiple choice questions then expect the mystical elves running the internet to determine "What kind of kisser you are" or "Which powerpuff girl you are", even though it is quite obvious that 50% of those who took the survey have never kissed anyone and ( Read more... )

Did anyone else actually pay to see this piece of crap movie? I had more fun the last time I fell down a staircase. "The Day After Tommorrow" is this horrible movie about a bigass blizzard that covers all of North America in snow so all these Americans run over to Mexico and the Mexican government is like "OH NO JOO DOOOONT, GRINGOS!" and the ( Read more... )

Yes, you've been there. Hell, theyr'e EVERYWHERE. Lincoln road, Aventura, Broward mall...the enigmatic store billing itself as the "Gap" has invaded every single one of our sacred shopping areas. Not only has the Gap alone descended upon us, rather, it has brought along the other three Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Gap Baby, Gap Kids, and Gap Body. ( Read more... )

The problem with people these days is that they are all crazy. Everyone is nuts, the earth is screwed. See, good old earth here is full of atom bombs, lasers, anthrax, spaceships, napalm, automatic weapons, nerve gas...and probably the most stupid set of people since, well, ever. Combine enough weaponry to nuke the whole friggin' galaxy with a ( Read more... )

Just to warn you, this is another one of my video game reviews that turns into a raving, screaming rant ("The problem is, the game is so buggy, that I think you could have asked a blind Somalian child to program a better computer game out of dirt and a pile of AIDS-infected hypodermic needles!") If your'e not interested, move along, drop your ( Read more... )

So yesterday I went to the little Quick-E-Mart on the corner to purchase a newspaper from the terrorist dude behind the counter, specifically the Sunday edition. Yesterday was Saturday. The fact that you can buy a Sunday paper on Saturday and a 2005 car in 2004 must mean that everbody but me has some super secret time machine ( Read more... )