Ladies and Gentlemen...it might PLEASE you to know that I have gotten laid. I'm not telling you who with jennifer because it was SPECIAL and I resPECT her holy shit it was JLO and I would never DREAM of causing drama ( Read more... )

*Gets ready for BIG DATE*

*One last look in the bathroom mirror at Nan's before making appearance*...Armani Suit...check. Shiny hair...chhhhheck. Wad of cash to look impressive...double check. Leopard print underwear...done. Allright tiger...let's knock 'em dead.

*walks into main area of the Sushi bar*
*looks around*

Hmm...no pink tie. I'll ( Read more... )

This was just brought to my attention. You know...he may have pepper gray hair, wrinkly twinkly eyes, and a sense of humor...but MY hair is shinier, my eyes are MORE expressive, and my sense of humor FAR SURPASSES HIS. I've seen his movies, and I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed. And he's after Renee again! AGAIN! When she and I broke up, he ( Read more... )

*is drunk at a karaoke bar*
*is also depressed*
*decides to sing, Long Ago and Far Away by the Carpenters*

( eternal singing of a whiskey-splotched mind )

Ok, A) I am NOT crazy. Crazy people play with their own feces *wiggles fingers* and wear funny dresses that show their ass all day. They also take medication. And like Connect-Four ( Read more... )

I'm sorry about that last post. I don't know what CAME OVER ME! It's like, I don't know...it just takes OVER! And I C-CAN'T CONTROL IT ( Read more... )

I can be serious. I really can. Just TRRRRYYYY it Jim. Give it a WHIRL.

*starts typing, speaking aloud while he types*

My name is Jim. I live in San ta Mon i ca. I like kittens and --

OH GOD DAMMIT! This is stupid. *sigh* Calm down ol' buddy. You can DO this.*deletes ( Read more... )