last time i talked with my gf she told me i could leave her a note in her car if i wanted to. So last night i decided to just go see if it smelled like her. and maybe visit her too. but i was doubtful i could pull that off, so it was mostly just to be in her car. that's how sadly ill focused i am. (wish i had something i wanted to do or felt was ( Read more... )

i'm tired of never being good enough for anything that matters to me. i had a little motivation today for some reason- it didn't do me any good tho.

Sunday night was hard. i went to visit my gf in her congregation- and i left feeling just horrible. She treated me well, it's just she told me that the last few weeks she's been having problems and nightmares. I made her tell me in twenty ways that she wasn't in trouble, but i can never be sure of when she is being straight with me. she had ( Read more... )

so dirty. the air i breathe is stained with filth. every minute passing while i exist is another confirmation of the unworthiness i am of anything good in me. every minute is an insult to those good parts.

i can do this- i can at least try. can't i? can i? maybe.

last week i sideswiped someone. just tapped the guy, no one was even discomforted. except that he was a total jerk. he tried to tell the officer that i tried to hit and run. after he left the officer saw i was shook up and asked me what was up and i broke down and cried, that was pretty weird ( Read more... )

the absence of the dread that left me when these drugs started screams how unjustifiable the reasons for my dread are. I've always understood that logically this is the case but to accept such would be to deny justification of what i feel is important. so i've never really felt or believed such as unjustifiable ( Read more... )

Last Saturday i finally got my blood taken to be tested (they didn't take enough) and so also started the medication my p told me to take last visit. (cymbalta + lithium) i'm sure that is the reason i haven't updated in a week, but i really don't know exactly why ( Read more... )

we finally got to talk for a decent amount of time- almost two hours! there can never be enough, but we got to get a lot of things ironed out. She hates how her parents don't do anything and it frustrates her and gets her so down. I asked her if they even try, and if it would be easier for her if they did. She said they don't, and that it would. So ( Read more... )

so this therapist gave me a chapter from this stress reduction and relaxation book, (which seems to be quite popular on Amazon) and a few pages into it there's a test, i think it is exactly like the one located here: http://glory.gc.maricopa.edu/~kshinema/BELIEFS.HTMLRead more... )