everything and nothing
Sunday night was hard. i went to visit my gf in her congregation- and i left feeling just horrible. She treated me well, it's just she told me that the last few weeks she's been having problems and nightmares. I made her tell me in twenty ways that she wasn't in trouble, but i can never be sure of when she is being straight with me. she had problems before and she told me and we got through them but maybe she is afraid of telling me again for whatever reason.
and then, every time i see her it's like ripping open this deep wound. it would be ok if we could talk more often than once every three or four weeks, or for longer than 10 minutes a visit but at this rate i don't know if it's hurting (me) more than it's worth; maybe i should just forget about visiting her until after she has a little more freedom to be with me more. i think it's sad that i have to keep my thoughts of her at bay but in this circumstance it's too painful. is that wrong?
i want to be able to feel purposeful toward something other than her or my relationship with her- but i can't understand how to, i've never felt so strongly about anything other than relationships. maybe i need other friends or something. But even if i were able to conjour some up somehow, i don't know if i would have the capacity to appreciate and/or connect with them.
and then, every time i see her it's like ripping open this deep wound. it would be ok if we could talk more often than once every three or four weeks, or for longer than 10 minutes a visit but at this rate i don't know if it's hurting (me) more than it's worth; maybe i should just forget about visiting her until after she has a little more freedom to be with me more. i think it's sad that i have to keep my thoughts of her at bay but in this circumstance it's too painful. is that wrong?
i want to be able to feel purposeful toward something other than her or my relationship with her- but i can't understand how to, i've never felt so strongly about anything other than relationships. maybe i need other friends or something. But even if i were able to conjour some up somehow, i don't know if i would have the capacity to appreciate and/or connect with them.