Forever & Ever 32.1
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31
He laid there awake. The glow of the moon mingled with the street lights in the dark black pools of his never closing eyes. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t rest.
Behind him, he could sense Uruha’s presence deep in slumber, curled up as close to him as he would let him get. “I want you,” he had said to Aoi once they were finally alone. Unbeknownst to himself, he had given Aoi sultry cat eyes, his mouth was swelling with desire. Uruha was never aware of how he looked, wasn’t aware of his bad posture or of how strangely magical he looked when he was aroused as if he were trying to cast a spell on whoever he was looking at. On this night, Aoi merely noticed these things as if they were something not a part of his life. He observed his beautiful face before letting his eyes fall away from him.
“I’m not in the mood.”
“Let me touch you.” The callused fingertips on the skin of his wrist as he reached to hold his hand, the scent of lavender threading itself in the air, the soft masculine voice. None of it seemed like it was really there.
Aoi had pushed him softly away, swallowing all of his agitation inside. Why was it bothering him? “There is too much on my mind,” he had told Uruha. “I think I just want to lay here and go to sleep.”
But that didn’t happen. He hadn’t fallen asleep. He laid there awake. And every time he had closed the lids of his eyes, he felt them burning and the pain of forcing them shut became so unbearable that he could only open them once again.
The endless night marched forward.
Now, he couldn’t think. He had tired himself of thoughts. Exhaustion had plucked them from his brain and left him lying there feeling like a hollow shell without his own mind to keep him company in the lonely night.
Unexpectedly, Uruha lifted himself onto his elbows. He could hear and sense his movement but he didn’t turn around to look at him. He knew that he was trying to see if he was awake or asleep. “Aoi?”
He didn’t answer him.
“Are you awake?” Figuring that since he hadn’t replied that he must be asleep, Uruha nestled up closer to him, burying his nose into the mass of his dark hair and lifting up his hands, gingerly ran the backs of his fingers down Aoi’s arm.
“I’m awake,” he said finally, roused to speak by the tenderness of Uruha’s gesture.
“Are you having trouble sleeping?” His breath tickled the back of his neck and the vibrations of his deep voice, felt comforting as they resonated in his ears.
“Yeah…”
“Do you want something to drink? Whiskey or something like that?”
Reluctantly, he agreed. Uruha softly slid off of the bed and headed to the kitchen where he quietly pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels and a couple of small glasses. He didn’t bother to turn the lights on when he reentered the room but moved instead to the window where he sat in the glow that came in from the night: moonshine and street lights. Against his hair, Aoi watched as the nearby traffic light casted a red beam and then a green. Lining them next to one another, Uruha poured the alcohol into the glasses. “Here,” he said as he got up and presented him his drink. “Sit up,” he ordered softly.
“Thank you,” Aoi said taking it from. Getting up, he rested his back against the wall and crossed his legs.
Uruha went back over to the window and sat there in silence, looking down at his glass of whiskey, watching the light bounce around the crystal and the shiny bright brown liquid.
“I hope this works,” Aoi said to himself as he quickly downed his drink. He grimaced as it burned the back of his throat. “Fuck,” he whispered.
Uruha’s eyes jumped up to his face. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Tired.”
Looking back down, Uruha began to drink his whiskey slowly and wordlessly.
“Another please,” Aoi set the glass on the end table and waited for Uruha who methodically getting to his feet, refilled the glass and went back by the window. Once again, he downed it. “Another.”
“That should be enough.”
He glared at him from across the room. “I don’t feel any better…” he muttered.
“Then this won’t make you feel better…”
“Coming from an alcoholic…” Aoi whispered bitterly to himself. In the quiet room, Uruha could hear his every word. Downing his own glass of whiskey, Uruha stared forward feeling the weight of Aoi’s hurtful remark. He tried not to think of them but he couldn’t, not in this quiet room, not when Aoi wouldn’t even hand his glass to him but instead put it on the goddamn end table. Giving in to the temptation however of letting his mind go to that place, to all the recent memories, Uruha sat there and let them play back to him like an endless string of disturbing images. Aoi calling him stupid, pushing him against the brick wall, of him deliberately ignoring him every time Uruha had tried to catch his eyes with his, of Uruha in the shower trying to get the blood out of his hair, of Aoi’s coldness when he tried to cuddle him. He’s just in a lot of pain and stress right now, Uruha had told himself but he couldn’t help but to feel angry himself, angry with how aggressive Aoi was, of how worthless he made Uruha feel as if his love and his caresses weren’t enough. He knew that that was unfair to ask of Aoi, unfair to assume that all he needed was him but he couldn’t help but to feel that his inability to make him happy diminished the strength of their bond which Uruha naively believed was as strong as steel.
“I’m going to go sleep on the couch,” Uruha said getting to his feet. “You need your space.”
Aoi watched him as he made his way across the room. Like a masochist, he let the pain of seeing how his actions had affected Uruha wash over him, feeling within the depth of that peculiar emotional agony the shape and power of his love for him. But he himself didn’t have the strength to fight against this new addiction in him that made him cling to his depression and say honestly to him “I’m sorry.” He had become vulnerable in that bar with his mother and the relief of finally exposing himself like that to her had felt so great, that he did not have the wisdom to pull himself back and to look at the world for all that it was in reality, not a melodramatic piss hole, but one that was funny, comic even, one that was light-hearted and so he had lost perspective and sat there wallowing in the curious pleasure of defeat.
Uruha stopped at the door and let his hand linger on the handle. “I love you,” he said before opening the door in a quick motion and shutting it behind him.
***
“You know I just want a fucking job I’d like to get up and go do. I don’t give a fuck what it is.” The cigarette dangled between Kameyo’s lips as she spoke. She shoved her ratty old checkered tennis shoes on and started to tie up the laces making sure to pull the strings extra tightly, giving herself a sort of subconscious attempt at pumping herself up to go to work with small increments of pain. “Hell, if I was a goddamn construction worker and I love building shit, I would be happy. Hell, if owned a cat daycare center, I was be spiffy-But I’m allergic.” Taking the cigarette from her lips, she flicked the speckled ash into the old metal sink.
From the kitchen table, Reita nodded boredly. Every morning, he heard this rant.
“All I am saying.” She opened the fridge and pulled out several plastic containers of food and tossed them on the table. Reita watched them as they slide across its surface and smacked up against the wall. Kameyo not paying attention, continued “It would be nice to do something you enjoyed however small. I’m not asking for much.” She shrugged. “Now, what the fuck is on your mind,” she said as dropped the cigarette into an old beer can that was lying not far from the rest of the junk on the kitchen table.
“Huh?” his eyes shot up to her face. A look of nervousness and panic could easily be seen in his face.
“Something is obviously and I mean obviously-because everything is obvious with you baby is up so, let it spill.”
It took him awhile to reply. “Nothing.”
“Wow, you know I usually give you credit for being able to keep a straight face when you lie but for some reason, you can never maintain your shit when you are lying about something important,” she looked around the apartment as if her remarks were philosophical.
“Nothing.” His voice was weak and smothered under his panic.
“Akira…let it out…” She stared downward at him and smiled.
Reita folded his arms and throwing himself back into his chair, shook his leg nervously. “I don’t know…” he whined.
“Is it about the tournament tonight?”
“UGH! Don’t remind me of that!” He shifted in his chair and began to shake his leg more rapidly.
“Something up with the tournament?”
“No! I’m just nervous! But doesn’t matter!”
“Just tell me already! Goddammit!”
“No!”
“TELL ME!!” She wasn’t necessarily screaming at him nor him to her rather, they were merely shouting their words.
“No!”
“AKIRA! I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME!”
“No, I can’t!”
“Yes, you can!”
“Fine! I slept with Ruki!” Cringing, he shut his eyes tightly and waited for her response.
It took her several seconds to reply. “Did you now?” she laughed.
Opening one eye, he looked up at her. He wasn’t sure why but for some reason, he thought he should have kept it a secret. Something about it made him afraid of what would happen and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Kameyo had said she was fine with it but to Reita, there was something gravely wrong with the situation. Even still, he didn’t fight himself when he was with Ruki in that shack. It felt natural the way it happened and being with Ruki like that was something he had wanted for a long time but when it finally happened, the novelty of it quickly disappeared and it instead became something wholly normal. In a way, it felt comforting being in Ruki’s presence and under the spell that his presence merely casted. Reita couldn’t quite understand why it didn’t have that exhilarating quality people always talk about when they have sex with someone they love, even when he had been with Kameyo the first time, it had that excitement but with Ruki, it felt more like an extension of “Reita and Ruki” with all the laughter and the jokes. Looking back on it now even though he was nervous about Kameyo, he was filled with a strange relaxation.
“Yeah…” he replied reluctantly. But the more he thought about it, thinking again of Ruki’s words in the car, of his pledge to possess him in the end, he was filled with once again with the thrill of curiosity if not a bit of humor. Even if Ruki was a scary person in some ways, it was still really cute the way he tried dominating all the time like one of those really bossy Chihuahuas.
“What the hell, dude? You are seriously lost in thought!” Kameyo tilted her head. “Never thought I would say that…” she mumbled to herself.
“Huh? Oh…yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed. “It…doesn’t bother you?”
“I said you could. If I got pissed off, wouldn’t that make me a hypocrite?” Picking up her the plastic containers that held last night’s left overs and her lunch today, she shoved it into one of those bags you get at the grocery store. “You’re the straight-laced one, remember?”
“Uh…right,” he replied stupidly and stared down at the kitchen table.
“Did he drug you?”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, he did.” With a sigh, she stared at the front door. “Well, I’ll see you after the show tonight. I’ll be at the venue by the way and no worries, I’ll vote for you even if you suck compared to the band you are going against.”
“Aren’t you a good wife,” Reita chuckled.
“You bet babe.” She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “See ya, honey.”
***
When Kai opened his eyes, the sun was pouring graciously into the bedroom. It bounced off of the thick white sheets and all the fluffy pillows. The walls painted a bright yellow, graced with the presence of the morning sun glowed brightly. If he woken up and remembered where he was, he would have been overcome with a sense of contentment and joy but instead, he woke in an intense confusion and panic, throwing himself about the big, comfortable bed like a man drowning in feathers.
He looked around the room and seeing no one there, paused to think about where the hell he was. D’Marcus’. Of course. He must have fallen asleep and D, thinking that he was looking out for him, let him sleep. He must have picked him up and carried him to the bedroom too. Kai wanted to be angry with him but he really couldn’t. Even though the idea of taking Kai to his own bedroom, should have made Kai feel a bit taken advantage of, if not a bit invaded, he knew that D had done it because sleeping on the couch would have only given his body more aches. When he turned and looked at the side of the bed D would have slept on and finding that it was left untouched, it only confirmed D’s good intentions.
As he stared at the pillows there, a feeling of regret came over him for a moment when he thought of the fact that D hadn’t slept next to him. But then the idea that that desire was in fact more than anything, romantic, Kai quickly shoved it from his mind. D’Marcus and him even though they liked each other and fooled around a bit, were friends he told himself. Friends. Not lovers. God no. Kai couldn’t bare the fact of legitimately being with a man let alone being in love. No matter how seemingly open he was to the idea, seeing what it did to his friends, filled him with fear and apprehension. Yes, he told himself. Friends.
He slid out of bed and walking out into the apartment looked around for D. As soon as he was on his feet, he couldn’t lie. He felt great. Rejuvenated even. The sun that poured in graciously into the apartment filled him with energy. Going into the kitchen, he found on the table a note with his name on it. “Kai” it read in hiragana. He smiled to himself trying to imagine D mulling over how to address him. Poor little foreigner, he thought to himself, not that he ever told him the kanji for his nickname or even his real name. “Going to the gym. I’ll be back soon.”
Kai let the note fall to the table as he looked around D’s kitchen wondering what sort of food an American like him ate. The cabinets were filled with all sorts of untouched dry foods and cans and the fridge barely had anything in it. “Let me see, let me see…” Kai said to himself looking at the rather generic contents. It seemed like D not really accustomed to Japanese food, bought mostly random fruits and vegetables. Pulling out some things, Kai started to gather the ingredients for pancakes.
He placed them on the counter and as he looked around wondering where he kept his pans, he drummed his fingers on the edge of the counter and tapped his foot subconsciously running through a song. “Ah! That’s where!” he said happily to himself figuring that D would probably in all likelihood put them nearest to the stove as possible. Kneeling down and opening up the lower cabinet, he pulled out a flat pan. He put it on the stove and turned the heat on.
“So quiet,” he said to himself and then wandering off into the living room went up to the radio and turned it on, scanning the thin CD collection that he had. “God…you have bad taste in music…” Kai mumbled. Some of the records, he couldn’t read the titles since they were written in English. For these, he pulled them out and examined the covers seeing if he would recognize any of them. Finding a collection of Otis Redding songs and remembering vaguely some older, impressive musicians talking about him in the store, decided to give the CD a shot.
Walking happily back to the kitchen, he started to prepare the pancakes. With skill, he started making them, throwing in bits of raspberries he had stolen from the fridge.
“Are you cooking?” D said coming into the kitchen.
Kai turned around and smiled at him. He was wearing gym shorts and drenched white tank top that clung to his well formed chest. Strung across his shoulder, he carried a vinyl duffle bag. “Hey,” Kai said. “Yup. Do you mind?”
“No. Not at all,” D smiled. “I never cook.” He set the bag down in the doorway and walked over to him and looked down at the stove. “Pancakes?” he said in English.
Kai repeated it back at him, trying to remove all the peculiarities the Japanese had given the word when they adopted it.
“Pankeiki,” D said back at him with a playful smile.
“Pankeiki,” Kai repeated. “I hope you like raspberries in them,” he pointed down at them and giggled for no other reason other than he was in a good mood.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yes!” Kai bowed slightly in feigned formality.
“When did you wake up?”
“20 minutes ago?”
“It’s almost noon…I hope you know that…”
“What?” Kai turned around and looked for a clock.
Lifting up his wrist and showing him his watch, D said “See.”
Kai grabbed it and looked down close at it to be sure. “Uh-oh,” he laughed. “That’s late.”
“You were exhausted. Makes sense.”
“Oh well,” he shrugged and picked up a spatula to flip the pancake over.
“Otis Redding?”
“I just picked something.”
“My grandma used to listen to him nonstop.”
“Oh yeah?” Kai looked up and smiled.
“Mhm. She’d listen to him when she cooked too.”
“Did she ever make you pancakes?” Kai laughed.
“All the time. Cheap and easy,” D smiled to himself. “That’s what she would say.”
“You sound like you were close.”
“Yeah, before she died.”
“Did she ever come to Japan?” Kai removing one pancake from the pan, started on another.
“I don’t think so…That reminds me…I am going back to America for the summer once this semester if over. If you know anyone who needs a place to stay for a couple of months, they can keep the apartment occupied. I don’t mind a new roommate too if they need to stay longer.”
“Going back to America?” Kai looked up as if that was the only part that he understood. He was in the middle of letting the batter fall into the pan but D’s news startled him to the point where he held the bowl suspended in the air.
“Yeah,” D replied reaching over and pushing the bowl horizontal.
Shaking his head and coming back to his senses, Kai looked back down at the pan and at the massive pancake that now rested inside of the pan. “Shit,” he whispered to himself as he tried to scoop out the excess batter with the spatula.
“Oh, before I forget.” D walked over to his bag and kneeling down, pulled out something in a plastic bag. “It’s cream for the sores on your hands.” He set it down on the kitchen table.
Kai looked up and stared at the wall in front of him, listening to D feeling something sink inside of him. “That’s really sweet of you,” he said softly.
Noticing that he was no longer his perky self, D walked over to him. “Is everything okay?” he asked softly.
“Yup!” Kai turned and forced a smile.
“You’re lying.”
“Nothing really,” he shrugged and flipped over the corroded pancake.
D knew that there was something wrong but he didn’t know how to broach the subject. Thinking about it, he realized that it must have had something to do with him going back home and if that was what had upset Kai, he felt embarrassed to bring it up again in fear that it would put them in an awkward situation. “I’m going to go take a shower…”
“Alright. Don’t take too long. The food is almost done.” Another forced smile.
“Alight,” D nodded and made his way toward the bathroom.
“Wait,” Kai said turning the stove off.
Stopping dead in his tracks, D was too shy to turn and look at him. Inside of him, he felt his heart pounding against his chest.
“I’m going to be sad when you leave. I know you shouldn’t stay…that you should be back home with your mom and your friends…and your life whatever it is like…back there…I’m sure you have girlfriend and all but, I’m not going to be happy about it. That’s it.” Both of them were facing the opposite direction, neither of them looking at one another. “That’s all I wanted to say.”
***
“Ruki, wake up,” Fuwa said softly as he pushed the door open. Lying on his face, the boy was sleeping deeply smothered in blankets. Akira who had just been out on a walk with Fuwa came running in happily and finding Ruki’s face immediately despite the boy’s attempts at hiding it, started licking it with a sort of mad joy only dogs can express.
“No,” he groaned as he tried to push the pup away from him but Akira wasn’t going to have any of it, he forced his way pass Ruki’s hands a licked him on the mouth. “Yuck!” he whined and sat up.
“It’s going on noon,” Fuwa said folding his arms and leaning against the doorframe. He looked even more sophisticated and mature with his lean form and his endearing smile.
“So,” Ruki rolled to other side and curling into a protective ball, attempted to shield himself from Fuwa and the dog. “Why is he so hyper?” he asked from under the blankets.
“We just came back from the park. Usually I go with my Ruki but I don’t know where he is.”
“He’s dead,” the boy said flatly.
“I was wondering if he was buried somewhere under a mass of blankets.”
“He was killed. Murdered by a bunch of Korean Communist Spies.”
“Was he now?”
“Yes. It was tragic.”
“Terribly,” Fuwa chuckled as he made his way over to the bed. “But to be honest, I think the story is a lie.”
“You don’t know anything…”
“I have to find him…I miss my cute little Ruki,” Fuwa laughed sending his hands under the blanket and finding the boy’s sides, started tickling him.
“No! Stop it!” He squirmed and tried to get away from him.
“I’m just looking for Ruki,” Fuwa couldn’t stop laughing. The dog infected as dogs are by any amount of chaos started barking happily and wagging his tail.
“Ruki’s dead!” he giggled.
“That sounds like his giggle…”
“No!” Ruki pushed his hands away and finally, popping his head out from under the blankets glared at Fuwa. His hair frayed around his round head in a black and red chaos.
“Oh! There you are, Ruki! Where have you been?”
In a monotone, he replied “Hell.”
“I heard you got into a scuffle with Korean Communist Spies.”
“They can be nasty,” Ruki replied matter-of-factly.
“So it seems.” Fuwa started fixing his hair for him.
With a bratty pout the boy said “I don’t want to get up. I’m tired.”
“You have to get up.”
“Says who?”
“The Communists.”
“Well, I’m an anarchist so…they can fuck off.”
“Ahh! The Prince of Anarchy. Such a frightening creature,” he smiled as he observed his cute face with his round cheeks and big eyes.
“You bet. Just ask the Spies,” Ruki smiled, unable to keep up with the forced monotone and flat expression. “No but seriously, I don’t have anywhere to be until 4 or something like that.” He threw himself back down on the bed.
“It isn’t healthy to be laying in bed all day.”
“Says what ancient Greek philosopher?”
Fuwa laughed warmly. “You might regret wasting the whole day. I know how you are. You’ll be complaining later.”
“Where’s Isao?” Ruki asked.
“He is with some friends.”
“He’s popular, isn’t he?”
Smiling widely now, Fuwa replied “You have no idea.”
“Lay down with me,” Ruki said reaching out and tugging at his shirt.
“I’ll fall asleep.”
“So.”
Thinking about it, Fuwa figuring that he really didn’t have anything better to do, laid down next to him and wrapped his arm lovingly around the boy’s shoulder. When he had come home the night before with the dog, Fuwa was relieved to find him smiling and laughing. After finding out about him and Katsura, a fear that he had permanently scarred the boy overwhelmed him. “Ruki?” he said in a soft voice.
“Hm?” He snuggled up next to him and resting his head on his chest, closed his eyes to fall back asleep.
“Are you happy?”
“Very.”
“Katsura came by…” Ruki’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at Fuwa’s face. “I know what happened. Of course, I’m not mad at you-not at all. He came to apologize and,” Fuwa sighed. “I want to make sure you are okay, that’s all. I wish you told me though.”
Ruki laid his head back down on his chest. “I’m okay now.” Fuwa lifted up a hand and started rubbing the boy’s arm comfortingly.
“He hurt you?”
“He didn’t mean to…”
Reluctant to ask this question, he closed his eyes and inquired “Was he your first?”
“Man, yeah…But…It’s not a problem.”
“Ruki-”
“No, I mean, I’m not scarred if that’s what you are asking.”
Fuwa squeezed his shoulder and placed a soft kiss on the top of his head. “You’re a strong boy, Ruki.” Even though he seemed unscathed by the encounter, Fuwa was still upset about it, angry and disturbed.
“I slept with Reita.”
“Really?” Fuwa was a bit taken aback. “Isn’t he…”
“With Kameyo? Yeah,” Ruki smiled to himself and buried his face into Fuwa’s chest happily. “But he made it all better.”
Fuwa had to laugh at that. “Did he?”
“Mhm,” Ruki replied cutely.
“I see…” Fuwa tilted his head. “Aren’t you upset that you made him cheat?”
Quickly, Ruki shot back an aggressive “No.”
“You aren’t?”
“He’s mine.”
“Ruki… you can’t just…”
“I know it’s wrong but I can’t care right now,” he looked up at Fuwa. “You say I’m strong but you don’t understand. To be strong, you have to fight for what makes you happy, right? At least…that’s how I see it.”
“And having him will make you happy?”
Ruki nodded and looked at him with soft pleading eyes, asking him to see his side. He didn’t want to have an argument with Fuwa. No one ever won against him and if Fuwa disagreed with his actions, he didn’t know how he would react.
“Alright,” Fuwa lifted up his hand to show that he wasn’t going to touch the matter. “Just be sure that you are doing it from a point of love and not aggression, okay?”
“Okay,” Ruki smiled and laid his head down on him again. Burying his face into the fold of his shirt, he closed his eyes.
“Are you sure you are okay?”
Ruki looked up at him again. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
Giggling, Ruki kissed him on cheek quickly before laying his head down on his shoulder. “I’m fine.”
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31
He laid there awake. The glow of the moon mingled with the street lights in the dark black pools of his never closing eyes. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t rest.
Behind him, he could sense Uruha’s presence deep in slumber, curled up as close to him as he would let him get. “I want you,” he had said to Aoi once they were finally alone. Unbeknownst to himself, he had given Aoi sultry cat eyes, his mouth was swelling with desire. Uruha was never aware of how he looked, wasn’t aware of his bad posture or of how strangely magical he looked when he was aroused as if he were trying to cast a spell on whoever he was looking at. On this night, Aoi merely noticed these things as if they were something not a part of his life. He observed his beautiful face before letting his eyes fall away from him.
“I’m not in the mood.”
“Let me touch you.” The callused fingertips on the skin of his wrist as he reached to hold his hand, the scent of lavender threading itself in the air, the soft masculine voice. None of it seemed like it was really there.
Aoi had pushed him softly away, swallowing all of his agitation inside. Why was it bothering him? “There is too much on my mind,” he had told Uruha. “I think I just want to lay here and go to sleep.”
But that didn’t happen. He hadn’t fallen asleep. He laid there awake. And every time he had closed the lids of his eyes, he felt them burning and the pain of forcing them shut became so unbearable that he could only open them once again.
The endless night marched forward.
Now, he couldn’t think. He had tired himself of thoughts. Exhaustion had plucked them from his brain and left him lying there feeling like a hollow shell without his own mind to keep him company in the lonely night.
Unexpectedly, Uruha lifted himself onto his elbows. He could hear and sense his movement but he didn’t turn around to look at him. He knew that he was trying to see if he was awake or asleep. “Aoi?”
He didn’t answer him.
“Are you awake?” Figuring that since he hadn’t replied that he must be asleep, Uruha nestled up closer to him, burying his nose into the mass of his dark hair and lifting up his hands, gingerly ran the backs of his fingers down Aoi’s arm.
“I’m awake,” he said finally, roused to speak by the tenderness of Uruha’s gesture.
“Are you having trouble sleeping?” His breath tickled the back of his neck and the vibrations of his deep voice, felt comforting as they resonated in his ears.
“Yeah…”
“Do you want something to drink? Whiskey or something like that?”
Reluctantly, he agreed. Uruha softly slid off of the bed and headed to the kitchen where he quietly pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels and a couple of small glasses. He didn’t bother to turn the lights on when he reentered the room but moved instead to the window where he sat in the glow that came in from the night: moonshine and street lights. Against his hair, Aoi watched as the nearby traffic light casted a red beam and then a green. Lining them next to one another, Uruha poured the alcohol into the glasses. “Here,” he said as he got up and presented him his drink. “Sit up,” he ordered softly.
“Thank you,” Aoi said taking it from. Getting up, he rested his back against the wall and crossed his legs.
Uruha went back over to the window and sat there in silence, looking down at his glass of whiskey, watching the light bounce around the crystal and the shiny bright brown liquid.
“I hope this works,” Aoi said to himself as he quickly downed his drink. He grimaced as it burned the back of his throat. “Fuck,” he whispered.
Uruha’s eyes jumped up to his face. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Tired.”
Looking back down, Uruha began to drink his whiskey slowly and wordlessly.
“Another please,” Aoi set the glass on the end table and waited for Uruha who methodically getting to his feet, refilled the glass and went back by the window. Once again, he downed it. “Another.”
“That should be enough.”
He glared at him from across the room. “I don’t feel any better…” he muttered.
“Then this won’t make you feel better…”
“Coming from an alcoholic…” Aoi whispered bitterly to himself. In the quiet room, Uruha could hear his every word. Downing his own glass of whiskey, Uruha stared forward feeling the weight of Aoi’s hurtful remark. He tried not to think of them but he couldn’t, not in this quiet room, not when Aoi wouldn’t even hand his glass to him but instead put it on the goddamn end table. Giving in to the temptation however of letting his mind go to that place, to all the recent memories, Uruha sat there and let them play back to him like an endless string of disturbing images. Aoi calling him stupid, pushing him against the brick wall, of him deliberately ignoring him every time Uruha had tried to catch his eyes with his, of Uruha in the shower trying to get the blood out of his hair, of Aoi’s coldness when he tried to cuddle him. He’s just in a lot of pain and stress right now, Uruha had told himself but he couldn’t help but to feel angry himself, angry with how aggressive Aoi was, of how worthless he made Uruha feel as if his love and his caresses weren’t enough. He knew that that was unfair to ask of Aoi, unfair to assume that all he needed was him but he couldn’t help but to feel that his inability to make him happy diminished the strength of their bond which Uruha naively believed was as strong as steel.
“I’m going to go sleep on the couch,” Uruha said getting to his feet. “You need your space.”
Aoi watched him as he made his way across the room. Like a masochist, he let the pain of seeing how his actions had affected Uruha wash over him, feeling within the depth of that peculiar emotional agony the shape and power of his love for him. But he himself didn’t have the strength to fight against this new addiction in him that made him cling to his depression and say honestly to him “I’m sorry.” He had become vulnerable in that bar with his mother and the relief of finally exposing himself like that to her had felt so great, that he did not have the wisdom to pull himself back and to look at the world for all that it was in reality, not a melodramatic piss hole, but one that was funny, comic even, one that was light-hearted and so he had lost perspective and sat there wallowing in the curious pleasure of defeat.
Uruha stopped at the door and let his hand linger on the handle. “I love you,” he said before opening the door in a quick motion and shutting it behind him.
***
“You know I just want a fucking job I’d like to get up and go do. I don’t give a fuck what it is.” The cigarette dangled between Kameyo’s lips as she spoke. She shoved her ratty old checkered tennis shoes on and started to tie up the laces making sure to pull the strings extra tightly, giving herself a sort of subconscious attempt at pumping herself up to go to work with small increments of pain. “Hell, if I was a goddamn construction worker and I love building shit, I would be happy. Hell, if owned a cat daycare center, I was be spiffy-But I’m allergic.” Taking the cigarette from her lips, she flicked the speckled ash into the old metal sink.
From the kitchen table, Reita nodded boredly. Every morning, he heard this rant.
“All I am saying.” She opened the fridge and pulled out several plastic containers of food and tossed them on the table. Reita watched them as they slide across its surface and smacked up against the wall. Kameyo not paying attention, continued “It would be nice to do something you enjoyed however small. I’m not asking for much.” She shrugged. “Now, what the fuck is on your mind,” she said as dropped the cigarette into an old beer can that was lying not far from the rest of the junk on the kitchen table.
“Huh?” his eyes shot up to her face. A look of nervousness and panic could easily be seen in his face.
“Something is obviously and I mean obviously-because everything is obvious with you baby is up so, let it spill.”
It took him awhile to reply. “Nothing.”
“Wow, you know I usually give you credit for being able to keep a straight face when you lie but for some reason, you can never maintain your shit when you are lying about something important,” she looked around the apartment as if her remarks were philosophical.
“Nothing.” His voice was weak and smothered under his panic.
“Akira…let it out…” She stared downward at him and smiled.
Reita folded his arms and throwing himself back into his chair, shook his leg nervously. “I don’t know…” he whined.
“Is it about the tournament tonight?”
“UGH! Don’t remind me of that!” He shifted in his chair and began to shake his leg more rapidly.
“Something up with the tournament?”
“No! I’m just nervous! But doesn’t matter!”
“Just tell me already! Goddammit!”
“No!”
“TELL ME!!” She wasn’t necessarily screaming at him nor him to her rather, they were merely shouting their words.
“No!”
“AKIRA! I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME!”
“No, I can’t!”
“Yes, you can!”
“Fine! I slept with Ruki!” Cringing, he shut his eyes tightly and waited for her response.
It took her several seconds to reply. “Did you now?” she laughed.
Opening one eye, he looked up at her. He wasn’t sure why but for some reason, he thought he should have kept it a secret. Something about it made him afraid of what would happen and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Kameyo had said she was fine with it but to Reita, there was something gravely wrong with the situation. Even still, he didn’t fight himself when he was with Ruki in that shack. It felt natural the way it happened and being with Ruki like that was something he had wanted for a long time but when it finally happened, the novelty of it quickly disappeared and it instead became something wholly normal. In a way, it felt comforting being in Ruki’s presence and under the spell that his presence merely casted. Reita couldn’t quite understand why it didn’t have that exhilarating quality people always talk about when they have sex with someone they love, even when he had been with Kameyo the first time, it had that excitement but with Ruki, it felt more like an extension of “Reita and Ruki” with all the laughter and the jokes. Looking back on it now even though he was nervous about Kameyo, he was filled with a strange relaxation.
“Yeah…” he replied reluctantly. But the more he thought about it, thinking again of Ruki’s words in the car, of his pledge to possess him in the end, he was filled with once again with the thrill of curiosity if not a bit of humor. Even if Ruki was a scary person in some ways, it was still really cute the way he tried dominating all the time like one of those really bossy Chihuahuas.
“What the hell, dude? You are seriously lost in thought!” Kameyo tilted her head. “Never thought I would say that…” she mumbled to herself.
“Huh? Oh…yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed. “It…doesn’t bother you?”
“I said you could. If I got pissed off, wouldn’t that make me a hypocrite?” Picking up her the plastic containers that held last night’s left overs and her lunch today, she shoved it into one of those bags you get at the grocery store. “You’re the straight-laced one, remember?”
“Uh…right,” he replied stupidly and stared down at the kitchen table.
“Did he drug you?”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, he did.” With a sigh, she stared at the front door. “Well, I’ll see you after the show tonight. I’ll be at the venue by the way and no worries, I’ll vote for you even if you suck compared to the band you are going against.”
“Aren’t you a good wife,” Reita chuckled.
“You bet babe.” She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “See ya, honey.”
***
When Kai opened his eyes, the sun was pouring graciously into the bedroom. It bounced off of the thick white sheets and all the fluffy pillows. The walls painted a bright yellow, graced with the presence of the morning sun glowed brightly. If he woken up and remembered where he was, he would have been overcome with a sense of contentment and joy but instead, he woke in an intense confusion and panic, throwing himself about the big, comfortable bed like a man drowning in feathers.
He looked around the room and seeing no one there, paused to think about where the hell he was. D’Marcus’. Of course. He must have fallen asleep and D, thinking that he was looking out for him, let him sleep. He must have picked him up and carried him to the bedroom too. Kai wanted to be angry with him but he really couldn’t. Even though the idea of taking Kai to his own bedroom, should have made Kai feel a bit taken advantage of, if not a bit invaded, he knew that D had done it because sleeping on the couch would have only given his body more aches. When he turned and looked at the side of the bed D would have slept on and finding that it was left untouched, it only confirmed D’s good intentions.
As he stared at the pillows there, a feeling of regret came over him for a moment when he thought of the fact that D hadn’t slept next to him. But then the idea that that desire was in fact more than anything, romantic, Kai quickly shoved it from his mind. D’Marcus and him even though they liked each other and fooled around a bit, were friends he told himself. Friends. Not lovers. God no. Kai couldn’t bare the fact of legitimately being with a man let alone being in love. No matter how seemingly open he was to the idea, seeing what it did to his friends, filled him with fear and apprehension. Yes, he told himself. Friends.
He slid out of bed and walking out into the apartment looked around for D. As soon as he was on his feet, he couldn’t lie. He felt great. Rejuvenated even. The sun that poured in graciously into the apartment filled him with energy. Going into the kitchen, he found on the table a note with his name on it. “Kai” it read in hiragana. He smiled to himself trying to imagine D mulling over how to address him. Poor little foreigner, he thought to himself, not that he ever told him the kanji for his nickname or even his real name. “Going to the gym. I’ll be back soon.”
Kai let the note fall to the table as he looked around D’s kitchen wondering what sort of food an American like him ate. The cabinets were filled with all sorts of untouched dry foods and cans and the fridge barely had anything in it. “Let me see, let me see…” Kai said to himself looking at the rather generic contents. It seemed like D not really accustomed to Japanese food, bought mostly random fruits and vegetables. Pulling out some things, Kai started to gather the ingredients for pancakes.
He placed them on the counter and as he looked around wondering where he kept his pans, he drummed his fingers on the edge of the counter and tapped his foot subconsciously running through a song. “Ah! That’s where!” he said happily to himself figuring that D would probably in all likelihood put them nearest to the stove as possible. Kneeling down and opening up the lower cabinet, he pulled out a flat pan. He put it on the stove and turned the heat on.
“So quiet,” he said to himself and then wandering off into the living room went up to the radio and turned it on, scanning the thin CD collection that he had. “God…you have bad taste in music…” Kai mumbled. Some of the records, he couldn’t read the titles since they were written in English. For these, he pulled them out and examined the covers seeing if he would recognize any of them. Finding a collection of Otis Redding songs and remembering vaguely some older, impressive musicians talking about him in the store, decided to give the CD a shot.
Walking happily back to the kitchen, he started to prepare the pancakes. With skill, he started making them, throwing in bits of raspberries he had stolen from the fridge.
“Are you cooking?” D said coming into the kitchen.
Kai turned around and smiled at him. He was wearing gym shorts and drenched white tank top that clung to his well formed chest. Strung across his shoulder, he carried a vinyl duffle bag. “Hey,” Kai said. “Yup. Do you mind?”
“No. Not at all,” D smiled. “I never cook.” He set the bag down in the doorway and walked over to him and looked down at the stove. “Pancakes?” he said in English.
Kai repeated it back at him, trying to remove all the peculiarities the Japanese had given the word when they adopted it.
“Pankeiki,” D said back at him with a playful smile.
“Pankeiki,” Kai repeated. “I hope you like raspberries in them,” he pointed down at them and giggled for no other reason other than he was in a good mood.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yes!” Kai bowed slightly in feigned formality.
“When did you wake up?”
“20 minutes ago?”
“It’s almost noon…I hope you know that…”
“What?” Kai turned around and looked for a clock.
Lifting up his wrist and showing him his watch, D said “See.”
Kai grabbed it and looked down close at it to be sure. “Uh-oh,” he laughed. “That’s late.”
“You were exhausted. Makes sense.”
“Oh well,” he shrugged and picked up a spatula to flip the pancake over.
“Otis Redding?”
“I just picked something.”
“My grandma used to listen to him nonstop.”
“Oh yeah?” Kai looked up and smiled.
“Mhm. She’d listen to him when she cooked too.”
“Did she ever make you pancakes?” Kai laughed.
“All the time. Cheap and easy,” D smiled to himself. “That’s what she would say.”
“You sound like you were close.”
“Yeah, before she died.”
“Did she ever come to Japan?” Kai removing one pancake from the pan, started on another.
“I don’t think so…That reminds me…I am going back to America for the summer once this semester if over. If you know anyone who needs a place to stay for a couple of months, they can keep the apartment occupied. I don’t mind a new roommate too if they need to stay longer.”
“Going back to America?” Kai looked up as if that was the only part that he understood. He was in the middle of letting the batter fall into the pan but D’s news startled him to the point where he held the bowl suspended in the air.
“Yeah,” D replied reaching over and pushing the bowl horizontal.
Shaking his head and coming back to his senses, Kai looked back down at the pan and at the massive pancake that now rested inside of the pan. “Shit,” he whispered to himself as he tried to scoop out the excess batter with the spatula.
“Oh, before I forget.” D walked over to his bag and kneeling down, pulled out something in a plastic bag. “It’s cream for the sores on your hands.” He set it down on the kitchen table.
Kai looked up and stared at the wall in front of him, listening to D feeling something sink inside of him. “That’s really sweet of you,” he said softly.
Noticing that he was no longer his perky self, D walked over to him. “Is everything okay?” he asked softly.
“Yup!” Kai turned and forced a smile.
“You’re lying.”
“Nothing really,” he shrugged and flipped over the corroded pancake.
D knew that there was something wrong but he didn’t know how to broach the subject. Thinking about it, he realized that it must have had something to do with him going back home and if that was what had upset Kai, he felt embarrassed to bring it up again in fear that it would put them in an awkward situation. “I’m going to go take a shower…”
“Alright. Don’t take too long. The food is almost done.” Another forced smile.
“Alight,” D nodded and made his way toward the bathroom.
“Wait,” Kai said turning the stove off.
Stopping dead in his tracks, D was too shy to turn and look at him. Inside of him, he felt his heart pounding against his chest.
“I’m going to be sad when you leave. I know you shouldn’t stay…that you should be back home with your mom and your friends…and your life whatever it is like…back there…I’m sure you have girlfriend and all but, I’m not going to be happy about it. That’s it.” Both of them were facing the opposite direction, neither of them looking at one another. “That’s all I wanted to say.”
***
“Ruki, wake up,” Fuwa said softly as he pushed the door open. Lying on his face, the boy was sleeping deeply smothered in blankets. Akira who had just been out on a walk with Fuwa came running in happily and finding Ruki’s face immediately despite the boy’s attempts at hiding it, started licking it with a sort of mad joy only dogs can express.
“No,” he groaned as he tried to push the pup away from him but Akira wasn’t going to have any of it, he forced his way pass Ruki’s hands a licked him on the mouth. “Yuck!” he whined and sat up.
“It’s going on noon,” Fuwa said folding his arms and leaning against the doorframe. He looked even more sophisticated and mature with his lean form and his endearing smile.
“So,” Ruki rolled to other side and curling into a protective ball, attempted to shield himself from Fuwa and the dog. “Why is he so hyper?” he asked from under the blankets.
“We just came back from the park. Usually I go with my Ruki but I don’t know where he is.”
“He’s dead,” the boy said flatly.
“I was wondering if he was buried somewhere under a mass of blankets.”
“He was killed. Murdered by a bunch of Korean Communist Spies.”
“Was he now?”
“Yes. It was tragic.”
“Terribly,” Fuwa chuckled as he made his way over to the bed. “But to be honest, I think the story is a lie.”
“You don’t know anything…”
“I have to find him…I miss my cute little Ruki,” Fuwa laughed sending his hands under the blanket and finding the boy’s sides, started tickling him.
“No! Stop it!” He squirmed and tried to get away from him.
“I’m just looking for Ruki,” Fuwa couldn’t stop laughing. The dog infected as dogs are by any amount of chaos started barking happily and wagging his tail.
“Ruki’s dead!” he giggled.
“That sounds like his giggle…”
“No!” Ruki pushed his hands away and finally, popping his head out from under the blankets glared at Fuwa. His hair frayed around his round head in a black and red chaos.
“Oh! There you are, Ruki! Where have you been?”
In a monotone, he replied “Hell.”
“I heard you got into a scuffle with Korean Communist Spies.”
“They can be nasty,” Ruki replied matter-of-factly.
“So it seems.” Fuwa started fixing his hair for him.
With a bratty pout the boy said “I don’t want to get up. I’m tired.”
“You have to get up.”
“Says who?”
“The Communists.”
“Well, I’m an anarchist so…they can fuck off.”
“Ahh! The Prince of Anarchy. Such a frightening creature,” he smiled as he observed his cute face with his round cheeks and big eyes.
“You bet. Just ask the Spies,” Ruki smiled, unable to keep up with the forced monotone and flat expression. “No but seriously, I don’t have anywhere to be until 4 or something like that.” He threw himself back down on the bed.
“It isn’t healthy to be laying in bed all day.”
“Says what ancient Greek philosopher?”
Fuwa laughed warmly. “You might regret wasting the whole day. I know how you are. You’ll be complaining later.”
“Where’s Isao?” Ruki asked.
“He is with some friends.”
“He’s popular, isn’t he?”
Smiling widely now, Fuwa replied “You have no idea.”
“Lay down with me,” Ruki said reaching out and tugging at his shirt.
“I’ll fall asleep.”
“So.”
Thinking about it, Fuwa figuring that he really didn’t have anything better to do, laid down next to him and wrapped his arm lovingly around the boy’s shoulder. When he had come home the night before with the dog, Fuwa was relieved to find him smiling and laughing. After finding out about him and Katsura, a fear that he had permanently scarred the boy overwhelmed him. “Ruki?” he said in a soft voice.
“Hm?” He snuggled up next to him and resting his head on his chest, closed his eyes to fall back asleep.
“Are you happy?”
“Very.”
“Katsura came by…” Ruki’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at Fuwa’s face. “I know what happened. Of course, I’m not mad at you-not at all. He came to apologize and,” Fuwa sighed. “I want to make sure you are okay, that’s all. I wish you told me though.”
Ruki laid his head back down on his chest. “I’m okay now.” Fuwa lifted up a hand and started rubbing the boy’s arm comfortingly.
“He hurt you?”
“He didn’t mean to…”
Reluctant to ask this question, he closed his eyes and inquired “Was he your first?”
“Man, yeah…But…It’s not a problem.”
“Ruki-”
“No, I mean, I’m not scarred if that’s what you are asking.”
Fuwa squeezed his shoulder and placed a soft kiss on the top of his head. “You’re a strong boy, Ruki.” Even though he seemed unscathed by the encounter, Fuwa was still upset about it, angry and disturbed.
“I slept with Reita.”
“Really?” Fuwa was a bit taken aback. “Isn’t he…”
“With Kameyo? Yeah,” Ruki smiled to himself and buried his face into Fuwa’s chest happily. “But he made it all better.”
Fuwa had to laugh at that. “Did he?”
“Mhm,” Ruki replied cutely.
“I see…” Fuwa tilted his head. “Aren’t you upset that you made him cheat?”
Quickly, Ruki shot back an aggressive “No.”
“You aren’t?”
“He’s mine.”
“Ruki… you can’t just…”
“I know it’s wrong but I can’t care right now,” he looked up at Fuwa. “You say I’m strong but you don’t understand. To be strong, you have to fight for what makes you happy, right? At least…that’s how I see it.”
“And having him will make you happy?”
Ruki nodded and looked at him with soft pleading eyes, asking him to see his side. He didn’t want to have an argument with Fuwa. No one ever won against him and if Fuwa disagreed with his actions, he didn’t know how he would react.
“Alright,” Fuwa lifted up his hand to show that he wasn’t going to touch the matter. “Just be sure that you are doing it from a point of love and not aggression, okay?”
“Okay,” Ruki smiled and laid his head down on him again. Burying his face into the fold of his shirt, he closed his eyes.
“Are you sure you are okay?”
Ruki looked up at him again. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
Giggling, Ruki kissed him on cheek quickly before laying his head down on his shoulder. “I’m fine.”