FIC: Lies for Love Part Twelve
Title: Lies for love
Pairing: Thirteen/Cameron, Thirteen/Cuddy
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Pretty much zilch. This is set at the beginning of Season 5 when House has his new team but contains nothing about them specific to episodes.
Disclaimer: I own... nada.
Summary: Thirteen can't remain faithful and risks losing everything that matters to her.
( Part One.) ( Part Two) ( Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five) (Part Six) (Part Seven) (Part Eight) (Part Nine) (Part Ten) (Part Eleven)
Thanks to all the readers & reviewers for your constant support. This is the part you've been waiting for where Thirteen comes clean...
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12.
Far too soon, Cuddy called out for Thirteen to enter. Of course, she didn’t know that it was Thirteen; if she had then she may not have been so keen to let her in. Now though, Thirteen didn’t care whether Cuddy was going to pretend to be busy or not. She had to tell her whilst she still had the guts to admit everything. This time tomorrow she would probably have chickened out, and so she had to do it whilst she was psyched up and prepared. At least that way she would know the consequences she was facing sooner rather than later.
Creaking the door open, Thirteen cautiously entered. She didn’t say anything, not wanting to alert Cuddy to the fact that it was her who had entered. For a brief moment she wanted to see the impassive look on Cuddy’s face, because she had a feeling that the only thing she would see in her eyes from now on would be hatred, bitterness, and upset. It tore her up to think that she wouldn’t have the chance to spend the rest of her life happy and in love, because once this was over there would be no one else. She didn’t deserve any more chances of happiness, and really; she didn’t think she’d find it anyway.
She shut the door with a click, grabbing Cuddy’s attention. She looked up, eyes widening as she saw that it was Thirteen. “What do you want?” she snapped.
“To talk,” Thirteen said softly. “I’m ready to tell the truth.”
Cuddy stared at her for a moment, remaining silent. She shook her head. “Not now.”
“I can’t hold this in any longer,” Thirteen stated. “I’m sorry, but it has to be now.”
Cuddy put down her pen, and seeming to make a quick decision; stood up. “Ok, now. But not here.”
“Where then?” Thirteen asked. She would let Cuddy choose if she was dead set on it not being her office.
“Mine,” Cuddy told her. “Considering what you’re about to tell me I’m loathe to let you anywhere near the place but this has to be somewhere private, and I really don’t feel like going near your apartment bearing in mind what’s probably happened there.”
Thirteen looked downcast, realising that Cuddy was referring to the fact she’d had sex with Cameron in her apartment. “Your place it is,” she whispered.
For a second, it almost looked like there was pity in Cuddy’s eyes. Sure that it was a trick of the light, Thirteen ignored it, didn’t comment. Why would Cuddy pity her? This view was reinforced as Cuddy declared firmly, “Let’s go,” and after picking up her bag, stormed out of her office. Meekly, Thirteen followed, dreading what was going to happen more and more with each step she took. She kept telling herself that she deserved this; she was a liar and a cheat.
She was no one.
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The journey to Cuddy’s seemed to take forever; not helped by the fact that there was silence the entire way. Thirteen had gone to get into her own car, but Cuddy instructed her to get into the passenger seat of hers. She supposed that Cuddy didn’t want to run the risk of her disappearing, having changed her mind in the short time it took to reach Cuddy’s house. If Thirteen really thought about it there was a strong possibility that she may have done that, so she could hardly blame Cuddy. Besides, being next to her in the car was probably the closest she was ever going to get to Cuddy again, so she shouldn’t complain.
Once they’d arrived at Cuddy’s, she went straight into the living room without a word to Thirteen. Did that mean she wanted some time alone? Or did she just expect Thirteen to follow automatically? She debated this for a couple of minutes before deciding that she may as well go in and see for herself. It wasn’t like she was achieving anything stood in the hallway on her own. Cautiously, she entered the living room to see Cuddy sat on the couch; hands fidgeting. Whenever she was nervous she could never keep still, and already Thirteen found herself feeling even worse for Cuddy; even though she hadn’t yet told the truth.
“Are you ready?” Thirteen asked, apprehensive. She sat next to the other woman, wanting to reach out, but knowing that she shouldn’t.
Cuddy turned to look at her. “Yeah,” she sounded unsure.
Thirteen watched her carefully. She prayed that she wouldn’t start crying because the moment she did Thirteen didn’t know how she would be able to continue. “Ok,” she said shakily. “The truth is that Cameron and...”
“Wait,” Cuddy interrupted. “I don’t think... I don’t think I can listen to this,” she held her head in her hands.
“But you said,” Thirteen started to protest.
“I know what I said,” Cuddy said, her voice muffled by her hands. “I can’t though. I just can’t listen. I know what you did, we both know that you’ve been seeing her too. But I don’t need you confirm what I’m already thinking.”
Thirteen took a deep breath. What was she supposed to say or do now? She hadn’t seen this coming. “What do you want then?”
Cuddy raised her head, allowing Thirteen to look into her eyes, to see the pain in them. “To forget this ever happened. To pretend that everything is like before.”
“But it’s not,” Thirteen said softly. She wished it could be the same but it wouldn’t be. She deserved to be punished for this. “I messed up.”
Cuddy gave a small laugh. “Yeah; you did. I’m not going to force you to stay. If you want Cameron; go. Please. Don’t prolong this for me, just leave.”
“No,” Thirteen shook her head. “When I said I loved you, I wasn’t lying,” She took a risk and moved closer to Cuddy, taking hold of her hands. “That night that you told me you loved me for the first time. Do you remember?”
“Of course I do,” Cuddy whispered. “It was the first time you said it to me too.”
“Well after that night,” Thirteen said slowly, wanting Cuddy to comprehend what she was saying. “I ended it with Cameron. I went to her a couple of days later, and I couldn’t go through with it.”
“You couldn’t fuck her, you mean?” Cuddy said bitterly. “And that makes it better how exactly? God, I told you I didn’t want to talk about this!”
“We have to,” Thirteen said firmly, knowing that there was no way of ignoring what had happened. She had to explain, make Cuddy see. “Look, since that night... I haven’t have sex with her. I promise.”
“But you’ve kissed her, right?” Cuddy blurted out. She might say that she didn’t want to know anymore but Thirteen knew that deep down it would drive her crazy not to.
“Yes,” Thirteen reluctantly admitted.
“And come close to having sex?” Cuddy fired off another question. “Rough sex that you wanted from me the other night?”
“Yes, we came close. But I didn’t have sex with you... like that because of Cameron. I meant what I said about feeling like I should be punished,” Thirteen said truthfully. There was a little voice in her head that kept telling her to lie, to embellish the story so that it didn’t sound as bad. She ignored it with all her heart and concentrated on giving Cuddy’s the answers that she should. “Listen, with Cameron it was only ever sex. There was no intimacy involved at all.”
Cuddy ignored Thirteen’s last statement. “You came close to having sex, after I told you I loved you. How is that any better than having sex with her? If you’d cut off all ties completely, even if you’d just kissed her...maybe. You didn’t. You still wanted sex.”
“No! I couldn’t go through with it,” Thirteen protested. “Every time she touched me I thought of you.”
Cuddy pulled her hands away from Thirteen’s. “If that’s true, then why did you bother to cheat? Why not just be with me instead?”
Thirteen wasn’t sure how to answer that. Cuddy made a valid point; why did she? Yes, it was true that she was scared, that being destructive was all she could think to do. But her reasons for being so destructive; well those she didn’t know. It wasn’t like she was tempted by the idea of being with Cameron, because whilst she was attracted to the blonde it wasn’t an overwhelming urge that she was unable to resist. She didn’t take pleasure (besides the obvious) in cheating on Cuddy and really, it had only served to cause her more misery. Nevertheless, relaying this Cuddy was pretty much impossible. It didn’t make any sense in Thirteen’s mind; let alone if she tried to say it aloud.
“You can’t even answer me,” Cuddy shook her head sadly.
“It’s because I don’t have an answer,” Thirteen said quietly. “I wasn’t really that attracted to her.”
Cuddy looked at her with disbelief. “Remy, that doesn’t even make sense.”
“I know,” Thirteen agreed. “Which basically makes me a total fucking idiot.”
Despite the situation, Cuddy actually smiled at her words, though it wasn’t exactly a happy one. “I’m not going to disagree with that.”
Thirteen couldn’t bring herself to return the smile. Instead she blurted out something that she’d been wondering. “I know you don’t want to talk about this but do you think you could tell me how you knew?” When Cuddy looked confused she clarified, “About Cameron and I.”
“Why; so you can hide it better next time?” Cuddy snapped bitterly.
“There will never be a next time,” Thirteen spoke firmly. “I know you don’t believe me but I swear on my life; I will never do this to you again.”
“I guess I should start preparing your funeral then,” Cuddy said dryly. Thirteen couldn’t help but look hurt; even though she deserved it. Cuddy noticed this and backtracked, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Thirteen said quietly.
Cuddy remained silent for a brief moment before speaking again. “To answer your question, it wasn’t just one thing; it was several,” Cuddy informed her shakily, though surprisingly calm. “The first thing was the way you reacted when House talked about Cameron in my office. I wouldn’t have picked up on that but with the other stuff later on...” she cleared her throat. “Anyway I also heard her call you Remy. As well as a selfish bitch.”
“She’s right about one thing then,” Thirteen said, still quiet.
“I’m not going to disagree,” Cuddy responded. “And you called me Lisa in front of her, something that you’re usually very careful about doing. You were panicked. That suggested that she knew we were together... which meant you knew her as more than just a colleague.”
“I didn’t even realise I did that,” Thirteen’s face creased up as she attempted to remember.
“Yeah I didn’t think you did, I could tell by the look on your face,” Cuddy continued. After the first few seconds you covered it up pretty well, but I could still see in your eyes that you were hiding something. Like when I joked about you having a relationship with her in my office and you looked completely shocked and fearful. God, I feel like such an idiot for not realising it sooner!”
Thirteen tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it wouldn’t go away. She didn’t speak, allowing Cuddy to finish.
Cuddy sighed, composing herself. “So I knew something was up, I suspected, but I still wasn’t a hundred percent sure. That’s why I checked the patient records, only to discover that there was no twenty five year old male patient who’d suffered a heart attack so it wasn’t that you were arguing over. For you to lie it had to be something personal that you were fighting about and like I said... all the little things added up to one answer.”
Thirteen nodded. She’d known Cuddy was smart; she should have seen this coming.
“I didn’t confront you because as silly as it sounds, I didn’t want it to be true,” Cuddy said croakily, voice now breaking. Thirteen was sure that any minute now the tears would begin.
“That’s why you let me stay last night,” Thirteen thought aloud.
“Yeah. I knew you’d betrayed me but I wanted one last night with you,” Cuddy bit her lip, trying to compose herself.
“But now you want to forget it ever happened? Just go back to it being us?”
“I don’t know what I want,” Cuddy closed her eyes. “I change my mind from one minute to the next.”
So there was still the possibility that they were over. Thirteen felt panic rise within her. “What can I do? What do you want me to do, right now?”
“Go,” Cuddy instructed her, her voice apathetic. “I need some time to think on my own.”
As much as Thirteen didn’t want to leave her, she had to respect Cuddy’s wishes. “Ok,” she obliged.
With one last look back at Cuddy, Thirteen left. All she could do was pray to a God that she didn’t believe in that she’d be given a second chance.
Please God.
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