GL - A FEW DAYS MORE - Chapter 17
TITLE: A Few Days More
FANDOM: Guiding Light
PAIRING: Otalia
SUMMARY: Set mid-friendship, this will contain elements of hurt/comfort as I'm a hurt/comfort junkie. Olivia, Natalia and Emma have returned from their few days away and follows canon around the 'Decker days'...hopefully more interesting than the summary suggests. Please request before archiving.
RATING: PG for now
AUTHOR's NOTE: This is my second attempt at fanfic and I have to say I am more nervous with this one than the first, partly because I fear there could be a level of expectation to overcome. So please be gentle with me, I hope you enjoy the formula I have decided to go with this time because personally, I think the best Otalia story and in particular ‘hurt/comfort’ story was the one shown on TV. As always my thanks to my Canadian Buddy, Critic2000, who read this through and offered useful suggestions and insight, let alone put up with my endless angst and anguish as to whether this story would be worth posting, bless ‘er.
An additional thanks to those of you who have actively encouraged me to right this sequel and offered your support, it truly is an inspiration
ADDITIONAL NOTE: This does loosely follow on from my first story 'A Few Days Away' hence I have said it is a sequel but as I never fully intended to write this, it’s been an interesting experience to find a way to make it fit within the time period I wanted to cover, therefore please gloss over any inconsistencies from one story to the next. It is not essential to have read the first story, but some things may make more sense if you do.
Good evening all, another year older and working on the 'wiser'
I hope you enjoy my humble offering this evening, I'm thinking maybe 3 more chapters left to go...
DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.
( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 ) ( Chapter 3 ) ( Chapter 4 ) ( Chapter 5 ) ( Chapter 6 ) ( Chapter 7 ) ( Chapter 8 ) ( Chapter 9 ) ( Chapter 10 ) ( Chapter 11 ) ( Chapter 12 ) ( Chapter 13 ) ( Chapter 14 ) ( Chapter 15 ) ( Chapter 16 )
Chapter 17
Time stopped.
Two pairs of eyes reflected horror, hurt and shame and like some carnival mirror their similar actions were distorted as one raised a hand to cover their mouth in shock while the other covered their cheek, the skin still tingling with heat where it had momentarily flared with pain.
“Oh my God, Olivia, I’m so sorry.” Natalia moved toward the frozen woman, her stinging hand outstretched in apology.
Olivia flinched away rebuking the effort with eyes that radiated such a wealth of emotion Natalia could feel her own eyes begin to water in sympathy.
“Please, Olivia, I didn’t know what else to do.” Still no response, Natalia opened her mouth to try again, “I was…”
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
Natalia blinked, “I’m sorry?”
“You heard me. Where do you get off…?”
“Now wait a minute, just wait a minute,” Natalia reached for Olivia’s arm and grabbing it, forced her to look at her. “I was thinking of Emma.”
The expressive eyes flicked towards her demanding more and knowing she finally had Olivia’s undivided attention she went on, “Don’t you think that child is scared enough without you charging in there screaming ‘Fire!’ where there isn’t one?”
Still bristling from the smarting on her face, Olivia rubbed her cheek and lowered her hand, her stare finally breaking away to look down. She sniffed and shook her head, “I thought there was a fire.”
“Obviously but there isn’t Olivia, you have to believe me. Do you honestly think I’d be stood here arguing with you if I thought we were in danger? If I thought Emma was in danger?”
Olivia frowned, “But I could smell smoke, I swear it…”
“Hey,” the situation calmer now, Natalia pulled on the arm she still held and dragged Olivia away from the door to sit next to her on the bed. Clearly still lost in thought the confused woman complied and sat, her head tilting to one side as she tried to make sense of what had just happened. “When I came in here,” Natalia continued, “I think you were dreaming again.”
“Hm?” Olivia broke off from her thoughts and grasped onto Natalia’s words as if to save herself from drowning, “I was?”
“Yeah, you’d managed to get yourself fairly well entangled and you were trying to escape.”
Olivia listened, hopeful for any explanation for her behavior that wouldn’t have her carted off to Ravenwood, once in a lifetime was more than enough for that thank you very much.
“I was trying to help you when you started mumbling about fire and then the next thing I know you were at the door.” Natalia looked down at her hands before meeting Olivia’s eyes head on, “Olivia, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really didn’t but you were…”
“What? What was I?” She couldn’t stop there; she needed to understand what was happening. She was starting to believe she was going to go insane if she wasn’t there already.
“You, you called me Ava.”
Olivia blinked, “I did?”
“Yeah, you said something about how you had to go and that you’d send somebody back for me?”
Olivia’s hand covered her mouth, her eyes brimming with unshed tears and her shoulders hitched.
“What?” Natalia was trying to understand why her friend looked so upset again. “What is it? Did I say something wrong? Oh my God, I didn’t really hurt you did I?”
Olivia shook her head and snorted a bit at Natalia’s last comment. She had taken harder knocks than that in her life. No, what was upsetting to Olivia was that she was finally beginning to piece together elements of her dream.
She wiped her eyes and pulled her hair back behind her ear smiling slightly, “No,” she assured, “you didn’t really hurt me.”
“Phew, well… that’s a relief,” Natalia flashed hesitant dimples at her and simultaneously taking her hand and making eye contact with her asked, “Then what is it? You can tell me Olivia.”
She knew she could and couldn’t understand why she was being so reluctant, why she was holding so much back… what point in the end would it actually serve?
Natalia had never judged her she realized, only made her see herself in a different way and maybe that was why she was choosing to hold some things, things which in her mind were appallingly disgraceful, back. She was already ashamed and she feared this time Natalia would finally see her for who she really was and she didn’t think her heart could take seeing herself reflected in those disappointed dark eyes.
Natalia squeezed her hand again and Olivia looked up and into a face, so trusting, supportive and strong and unbelievably full of faith in her.
Her breath caught.
It shouldn’t really still surprise her how this slight woman always managed to find a way to make her talk about things, really talk about how she was feeling. She was capable of making her divulge some of her darkest thoughts, change her perspective and do things she had no intention of doing. She had done it before after all.
Olivia was huddled under her bedcovers. Somehow she just couldn’t muster up the energy to move or to care and accepted it was easier to lie there and wallow. She knew she was being despondent, withdrawing away from everyone and everything but she hated herself, simple as that.
But is it really as simple as that… she wondered, nothing in my life is normally.
Her thoughts dark she considered her morning.
Earlier, after spending another restless night with her mind drifting in contemplation, she had finally managed to find a position comfortable to lie in, unconcerned it was a little unorthodox to be stretched out on the floor and uncaring beyond the brief respite from pain it afforded her.
She had wanted to escape.
She had wanted her mind to switch off and allow her a moment, just one peaceful moment away from her guilt and self-recrimination.
Instead she ended up having to deal with ‘St Natalia’ who insisted upon helping her up off the floor, tidying up her room and ensuring she had a nurse to look after her.
She had found it hard to fully engage with her, her mind annoyingly sluggish even as it latched onto the one thought determined to burn its way into her brain and she was unable to prevent herself from saying it out loud, perhaps hopeful it would have the desired effect of finally chasing the meddlesome woman away.
“I need to die.”
She knew it was a mistake the moment she said it, sensing the younger woman would be even more single-minded than usual in her refusal to leave her alone and let her be.
While a tiny locked in part of her was silently cheering Natalia on and applauding her persistence, the rest of Olivia raged, she had a plan and she was sticking to it.
She had threatened to fire her and was taken aback not only by Natalia’s verbal response, an insulting attack reminiscent of a parent berating a small child which triggered an unwanted childhood memory in her, but also by her inability to follow through on her threat.
Why didn’t she just fire her?
It bothered her slightly how Natalia had called her on her behavior and it baffled her why this woman insistently refused to leave.
Thinking her demands were quite clear she sighed as Natalia opened a bottle of water and hated the sound of desperation in her voice as she tried again, “You need to move along, please.” Her anger spent and exhaustion setting in she rubbed at her eyes, hopeful Natalia would get the hint. “Go back to work. The customers will complain.”
“What do you care? You'll be dead.” The bottle hit the table with a resounding and final thud as if to punctuate her words.
Mindful of Natalia’s cold tone, Olivia observed thoughtfully, “And you'll be happy.”
Natalia had crossed the room to place some flowers on her bedside unit, perhaps intent on reminding her of the beauty of life but her words were harsh, “If that's what it would take to get rid of this sick feeling, to make me stop missing Gus every second of every day, then I would close up this room and leave you in here to rot. Believe me, I wish it had been you that died. And I will wish that every day for the rest of my life.”
The words should hurt but they didn’t, they couldn’t even begin to scratch the surface of her own self-hatred. Olivia played with her hair as her eyes focused outside the room but she was listening and she calmly absorbed them, using them as fuel to her fire.
Unaware of what her eyes were physically seeing as her thoughts spiraled inward Olivia spoke, “You know, if you wish it enough and you want it really bad, it will happen.”
“What are you talking about?”
Olivia finally gave voice to the truth which harmed her and caused her more pain than she thought she could bear, “I made Gus die.”
She was pleased she had been able to say it and comforted it was ultimately Natalia who heard her confession.
There was no sound in the room and Olivia was almost disappointed when Natalia didn’t immediately agree with her.
The younger woman was obviously taking a moment to absorb this piece of information and Olivia, to some extent unburdened by her statement but still unwilling to look her in the eye, could sense her circle the bed before she spoke.
“Gus died in a motorcycle accident.”
“It's my fault.”
“In a way, yes, he was looking for you.”
Olivia snapped out of her fugue understanding how she now needed to make Natalia understand as she did. “You don't get it. You don't get it,” she said again.
As she watched Natalia cross the room to her balcony doors Olivia sat forward, “I prayed, I prayed so hard for a heart. I didn't care who died.”
She was talking to Natalia’s back as she opened the doors and noticed the slump of her shoulders, the brief hanging of her head before she held herself up again and Olivia continued to bombard her with her truth, “I just never said, ‘God, please, don't make it someone that I know and love.’ And that’s...”
She couldn’t go on. Natalia had turned, daylight entering the room for the first time in days and casting a glow around her. She had to look away, feelings of regret, anger, unworthiness and sorrow once again overwhelming her.
Natalia’s voice sounded her disbelief as she asked, “Do you think God let Gus die to answer your prayer?”
Olivia realized how it sounded, how egotistical it must appear but she had been thinking about this over and over and over. From the moment she had awoken from surgery and learned the truth of her reprieve it had consumed her every thought. Another of God’s little jokes on her she was sure. How many other times in the past had she caused irreparable harm to the people she loved with her words alone?
“Yeah,” her eyes watered, “I guess you think it unlikely that God would listen to me at all.”
When there was no immediate response she turned to look at Natalia who swallowed and began to pace, clearly feeling some careful consideration of her question was called for.
She watched her pace the room, her fingers playing and pulling at her bottom lip, deep in thought.
Olivia was sure Natalia had puzzled something out but was trying to work out how to put it into words. “What? Say it?” she demanded in a wispy voice, her very words tinged with apathy.
Natalia dropped her hand and faced her, “God loves everyone, even you.”
Olivia wanted to laugh in her despair but instead remained quiet, waiting to hear what other pearls of wisdom the younger woman had to offer her.
“But I don't believe that it was your prayer that took Gus away,” Natalia continued. “And I think that there must be a reason, and I hope that someday I can understand what that reason was. But it wasn't because you were hoping and wishing for a heart.”
Unable to either laugh or cry she fell back on sarcasm, “I feel so much better.”
“Do you?”
“No!” Olivia couldn’t believe the hopeful look on Natalia’s face as she asked her that. “You can spout all you want to, but I know what I did.”
She was resigned now. “I know what I did,” she virtually whispered again, “And I can't live with it. I won’t.”
“And I can't just let you die. Not with Gus' heart inside you.”
“No,” Olivia cut in, her soul stinging from hearing Natalia’s underlying reason for caring whether she lived or died. It had to be about Gus, of course it was going to be about Gus, how could she… what was she hoping for? Remember how dangerous it is to hope and pray… “I'll call the police.”
“Oh, good. Call them and then they’ll take you to the hospital and like it or not they will keep you alive.”
Olivia felt trapped and like any trapped, wounded animal went on the attack, words her most powerful weapon, “You know I, for the life of me, cannot understand how Gus settled for a stupid, self-righteous woman like you. He deserved so much better.”
At last she had found the right thing to say to make the woman leave as Natalia stopped in her tracks, looked heavenward and moved toward the door, pausing only briefly with her back to the room before finally exiting without a further word.
She thought it was what she wanted.
Not moving from her spot the room suddenly seemed very lonely and as the minutes slowly turned her utter grief and depression overwhelmed her again.
Sending all of the items on her bedside unit including her medicines crashing to the floor Olivia burst into tears, “I’m sorry. I'm sorry, Gus. I'm sorry! I miss you.”
Crying herself out she lay there, surprised when the door lock whirred and Natalia entered her room once more. She couldn’t hold back the sigh.
“Yeah, I’m back.” Natalia threw her keycard onto the other bedside unit as she climbed onto the bed next to her, “And I’m staying.”
Olivia didn’t understand, Natalia was settling herself into a comfortable spot next to her on her bed and announcing, “I’m going to keep you alive.”
Truthfully, at that moment she experienced awe.
Never had anyone shown her the level of persistence this woman seemed to.
Now it was several hours later and Olivia lay bundled up in bed unwilling to move or gather the energy to care. Her mind actively reviewing her day and chewing on the things Natalia had said even as she was determined to hold onto her self-loathing.
She was alone, Natalia had left a while ago and Olivia assumed it was due to her new tactic of non-engagement, choosing instead to become mired down in her thoughts. Experience taught her nobody ever really sticks around for long.
The door whirred and opened.
“Oh, you're back.” Olivia sighed heavily. Some people just take longer to leave, go already, leave me be.
She noticed Natalia was carrying a tray with a brown paper bag on it and dreaded the inevitable.
“Time for lunch,” she announced dropping the keycard down on the unit again in what was becoming a practiced habit. “It was really fun charging your account.”
The tray was placed over her and Natalia removed the bag, “I am going to have a burger and some fries, and you're going to have soup.”
She brought me food? Olivia simply stared at her.
She really didn’t know what to feel as the containers were laid out on the tray for her and Natalia took her own food over to the dresser so she could sit and eat with her. She certainly hadn’t expected this. Truthfully not having the energy or desire to eat she watched as Natalia consumed another fry on her way over to her.
“Your soup is going to get cold. You have to eat, build up your strength.”
“Didn't you hear a word that I s...”
“I heard you. You think you want to die. Too bad. Gus didn't want to die. Gus loved life. And now all that is left of him is his big, beautiful heart, in there. I'm not going to let it go to waste.”
Natalia sighed heavily and pushed the soup container and spoon closer to her, “You're just like Rafe when he was a baby.”
Great, now I’m being compared to a baby. “This is my punishment. God is making me spend time with you.”
“God gave you a gift. He obviously loves you.”
Olivia was having a hard time seeing it that way, “You need to take your God and your soup and leave me alone.”
“You are a horrible, ungrateful person.”
It was like tennis, she would serve and Natalia would volley. It didn’t seem to matter what she said, Natalia just answered her back. It was infuriating.
Knowing it would sound childish she countered, “Yeah, so?”
“Do you think Gus would want you to squander the gift you've been given?”
“I don't know. I’ll ask him when I see him.”
“No! You've already destroyed enough. You have no right...”
“There's nothing you can do!” Her mind was made up and on course again.
“Okay.” Natalia put her food down on the dresser and walked back to the bed and around it, “Fine. You win.”
Olivia watched her leave convinced she had seen the last of her and proving her adage true once more.
She moved the tray away from her the thought of food turning her stomach and for the first time in hours climbed out of bed. She wanted a different view of the room and made it as far as her chair, collapsing onto it and falling into a light doze from the exertion, disgusted at her lack of strength and stamina. It gave her some maudlin hope she wouldn’t have to wait long for the end.
When she next opened her eyes Ava was there but thankfully Emma wasn’t with her.
Ava was excited, overly so in Olivia’s opinion and she listened to her enthusing about her desire to have a baby with an almost decided lack of interest. Ava’s expectant joy could not seem to penetrate through the veil of Olivia’s guilt.
She had known there was no baby and that it had simply been a ruse, she wasn’t a stupid woman but the most she could offer to her impatient child was the hard truth that it was hard to wait.
She was waiting.
When Ava left she had dozed again her life reduced to a pitiful cycle of sleep, apathy and guilt infused wakefulness. Waking again, she levered herself from the chair and crossed to her dresser to view the photos of her two daughters. She knew she should feel something looking at them but was incapable even of feeling fear that she felt nothing.
As apathy reclaimed her yet again she stumbled over to the bed, crawling into it once more and pulling the covers over her in hopes she could just sleep her way out of existence.
Several hours passed and when she next woke thinking she would go insane from staring at the same four walls or being left to wander the corridors of her mind, switched on her set and subjected herself to the horrors of daytime television.
Natalia reentered the room and taking control picked up the remote to turn off the TV, “Too much of this is no good.”
“Yeah. It's murder.”
She came back… again, she actually came back.
Olivia said nothing as Natalia put down the remote and turned back to the carrier bag she had brought in with her.
“Okay. Let's see what we have,” she said perkily as she reached into the bag. “We have juices. We have two kinds of smoothies, strawberry and mango, one is non-dairy. And, oh look, more soup.”
Unsure what to make of the continued upbeat tone or the tingle of sensation beneath her chest, Olivia remained lying there.
“The only thing I don't have in here is alcohol,” Natalia advised.
“That's too bad.” Olivia would have happily consumed some right about now because that at least would explain the unnerving, giddy sensation welling up inside.
“There's got to be something in here that you would like.”
“Stop it. You can't make me eat.” She knew she was being childish and stubborn, the woman in her room tempting her to eat always seemed to bring out that side of her but for once she wasn’t embarrassed by it, in fact she found it freeing to find someone who just dealt with it, more than that, would call her on it and keep coming back for more.
She came back.
She looked up at her trying to ignore the twinge of hunger she suddenly felt.
Natalia returned the look, “I'm not a quitter, like you.”
Olivia stared at her. Was she? There had been moments in the past when her feelings of rejection had pushed her to make some bad choices but she never really thought of herself as a quitter. Regardless of what she thought of herself though, it intrigued her that Natalia’s comment could spark some other emotion in her other than guilt or shame.
There was that sense of awe again and this time it was amplified by a wave of fascination. Olivia was completely fascinated with this woman who continually defied her demands and wishes and who plainly refused to allow Olivia to die.
Internally experiencing a complete shift of thinking Olivia quietly and quickly said, “Strawberry.”
“I'm sorry?”
She could hear the surprised but hopeful and pleased tone in the question and somehow resigning herself to the knowledge she was not going to win this one clearly stated again, “Strawberry.”
Back then surrendering to the other woman had been as simple as a single word and Olivia would be forever grateful to this woman who had become the keeper of her heart, in more ways than one.
She nodded and began, “I didn’t get it before. It wasn’t that I was trying to keep something from you, it was that I didn’t have all the pieces and…and now, I get it. Well, some of it.”
Natalia was a very patient woman, Olivia knew this but she could tell her waffling around the point wasn’t helping matters. She tried again.
“A couple of years ago at the Beacon, there was a fire.”
“Oh,” Natalia sounded surprised, “was anybody hurt?”
“No, well… Mallet had smoke inhalation and well it depends what you mean by hurt?”
“I’m taking it no one died?”
“No.” Olivia shook her head.
“Then what happened? What has you thinking about that now?”
Olivia let out a heavy breath, as much to dispel the unwanted return of the queasy sensation in her stomach as to gather her thoughts, “When the fire broke out I was in my office. I uh… I wasn’t alone.”
“Okay.”
Olivia seemed to have stalled again and Natalia squeezed the hand she was holding, encouraging her to go on.
“Ava was with me. We were arguing, thinking back on it we actually spent quite a lot of our time back then arguing. There had been some malicious gossip posted on the internet targeting a lot of people in the area, myself included…” Olivia almost winced in pain at the memories that damn blogger had unearthed and had to shut her eyes as the hateful and hurtful ‘Remember Labor Day’ scrolled in flames across her mind. In many ways, that was what had set this all in motion but she really didn’t want to have to go there, not now. She shook herself, “Anyway there was something about it and Ava’s attitude toward it which made me think she was behind it all.”
“Was she?” Natalia could vaguely recall hearing someone discuss this sordid moment in Springfield’s past but really knew very little about it and watching Olivia’s reaction wondered what exactly had someone posted about her that had her paling and her palms becoming slick.
“No, it wasn’t her but I was convinced at the time. She was working for me and this blogger,” Olivia sighed again, desperate to explain this the right way so Natalia would understand but without having to go into detail. “They seemed to know things only someone with connections like Ava could know so I called a meeting with her in my office. At some point during our discussion we became aware of the smell of smoke. At first, I thought it was Fritz burning something in the kitchen, he used to have this nasty habit of dipping into the wine cellar when he was cooking…”
Olivia appeared to fade off into memory again and Natalia prompted, “But it wasn’t him?”
“No, it wasn’t. I was so blasé, so sure the alarms would go off I mean, I can’t afford to panic every time the cook gets drunk right?”
The indignation had Natalia nodding in agreement.
“Anyway, the smoke got thicker and that’s when we realized there was a bigger problem. I remember trying the door and then warning Ava the handle was hot when she felt my efforts weren’t sufficient but she was determined and as she’s trying to find a way to open the door I remember my heart plummeting…” Echoes from the dream washed over her causing her to shiver in reaction, “It was about the time when Emma would be back and I had no idea if she was in the building.”
“That must’ve been terrifying for you.” Natalia felt the shudder, her thumb stroking over goosebumps like Braille.
“It was. As you know, Emma is my world and the thought…” her already churning insides flip-flopped and she gulped down a breath, pushing the thought aside, “I had to find her. All the phone lines were dead and I had stupidly left my cell.”
“What did you do? What happened?”
With the recent soundtrack from her dream playing in her mind she vividly recalled the confusion, could smell the acrid smell of smoke burning her nasal hairs and making her eyes sting. She wanted to cough convinced she was breathing it in and then the bang… she swallowed, desperate to moisten the inside of her mouth.
“There was an explosion.” Olivia heard Natalia gasp beside her, “The door Ava had been struggling with came off its hinges and trapped her, she was completely pinned down and there was no way I could save her. I tried, I promise you I tried but Emma was out there and she was my little girl.”
Tears had begun a steady flow down Olivia’s face and Natalia waited somehow knowing there was more.
“I left Ava there.”
Maybe it was the dream, the way it had brought it all to the forefront of her mind, maybe it was because she was rundown and her defenses were low, maybe it was because Natalia was there and she had an uncontrollable desire to have this woman of extraordinary virtue understand her and provide some form of absolution but at that moment it was as if she was reliving it again and she needed to justify her actions. Desperately, her heart rate increasing as panic set in she explained, “I couldn’t lift the door, it was too heavy and I had to get to Emma. I knew I could send someone back for Ava, I promised her I would but… I left her there, screaming at me not to leave.”
As Olivia’s face crumbled with the weight of sorrow for what followed, Natalia pulled her towards her chest and held her as she cried.
They sat for a few minutes; Natalia hated seeing Olivia like this but was convinced this was something that was long overdue. She knew she had had a difficult year with her health, with Ava and she was learning from snatches of the past how this year was one in a series of a very complicated and at times painful life.
While her own life had not been all sunshine and roses Natalia did at least have her faith and she took comfort in that.
She wished for Olivia’s sake she could take it all away and as she contemplated what Olivia had told her she asked herself what she would have done and how she would have felt in that situation?
Absently she stroked back Olivia’s hair enjoying its luxurious texture as it fell through her fingers and idly thought how much it reminded her of Olivia; rich, strong, layered and full of body. It encouraged her and filled her with renewed spirit, together they would tackle this, whatever it was because Natalia knew there was more, there had to be and together she was finding they made a good team.
When the tears died down Olivia did not pull away. Her stomach was unsettled but she was calmer now, the fingers raking through her hair and massaging her scalp sending pleasant tingles down her body and serving to remind her of when Natalia washed her hair.
Allowing her thoughts to clear and thinking she may have mislead Natalia she said, “I didn’t know at the time.”
“Know what?”
“That she was my daughter.” Olivia waited, this was where it was going to get tricky, “I often wonder how different things would have been if I had known from the start who she was.”
“What do you mean?” Natalia’s curiosity was truly peaked now. If Olivia hadn’t known Ava was her daughter then how on earth could she be expected not to choose to save her flesh and blood in such a serious situation? It was something about the way Olivia said it which had Natalia sensing there was something more to this. When Olivia had previously discussed her dreams she had stated they accused her of being ‘undeserving’ of her children and that she ‘hurt’ them. Was that it? Leaving Ava trapped under a door while a fire raged? Somehow it didn’t ring true, no one could blame Olivia for her actions, so what was it?
Olivia shifted slightly and realized now with her head so close to Natalia’s there was a faint smell of smoke upon her hair, “Have you been smoking?”
“No.” Natalia was both disgusted at the implication and puzzled by the question in the midst of all her inner musings.
“Your hair, it smells smoky.”
“Huh? Oh yeah, I was outside earlier, there was a bonfire.” Not wanting the conversation to drift when she felt she was finally going to get some answers she guided Olivia back on track. “What did you mean Olivia? About how things would have been different?”
Olivia sat up, regaining her wits after her little episode and unsure she was willing to unburden herself of all the other unkind acts she had perpetrated towards her eldest daughter. What she needed was to quiet her upset stomach and fearful she would be unable to eat anything and that Natalia would frown upon a request for alcohol asked, “Do we have any coffee?”
“I had some brewing earlier, I don’t know if it’s still any good.” Natalia recognized the deflection.
“I think I need some.” She rubbed her brow and moved to stand, wincing as she did so.
“Good Lord, Olivia when did you do that?” Natalia’s attention refocused, her hand reaching toward Olivia’s hip.
Olivia had already turned her head to view the offending limb. With the adrenaline from the dream wearing off and her concentration no longer focused on her recollection of the past, various aches and pains were making themselves known to her, most notably at the moment the throbbing from her right side.
Releasing a sharp pained breath as her fingers accidentally connected with the rapidly darkening area along her hip and taking a moment to evaluate similar sensations on her shoulder and knee, it occurred to her the tumble she had taken from the bed earlier that morning had been more impacting than she had initially realized, not that her mind had been on much of anything at the time other than seeing her daughter.
“Must’ve been when I fell out of bed,” she tried for whimsical, thinking how ridiculous it sounded for a grown woman to fall out of bed but Natalia was eyeing her and Olivia could tell she was primed to ask more questions.
“Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?” Natalia was already reaching out to tackle clothing in her concern to see what other damage had been done.
Hmm, lie or tell the truth? Olivia considered her options. Is there really any point in lying? She’s going to find out anyway, somehow she always does. Besides, there are bigger secrets to keep.
Olivia nodded, “My shoulder, I think I caught it when I landed and,” she tested her weight on her knee and received an uncomfortable twinge in answer, “I might have twisted my knee a little.”
Natalia’s eyes zeroed in on the knee in question and her fingers gently probed around the flesh there, “It doesn’t feel swollen but maybe you should sit down again and I’ll get some ice to…” she trailed off as she remembered she didn’t have any ice, no frozen goods, all the food and accessories they had Buzz had provided for them last night and as she hadn’t expected them to stay… She looked up at Olivia apologetically, “I don’t have any ice.”
Olivia couldn’t help it, she laughed. Natalia looked so endearingly sorry. “It’s okay, it’s just a bruise. I’ve had them before; no doubt I’ll have them again.”
Natalia frowned and pulled her unhappy face, she didn’t like the idea of Olivia being hurt however minor and cavalier about it the older woman chose to be. Only the other night she had seen the bruises again from their trip away, barely healed and yet here were new ones already turning lurid in colour. With particular concern for her much maligned shoulder Natalia was unable to refrain from checking again, “Are you sure?”
“Really, it’s fine.” Even though her side was stinging like a bitch now she was aware of it, Olivia limped to the chair where her jeans lay and picked them up, “And I think I better check on Emma.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
Confused at the tone of Natalia’s statement, Olivia looked up from her task to meet her curious stare head on.
“About what you meant Olivia? About how things would’ve been different?”
Fumbling with her jeans she braced to take the weight on her right leg while she covered her left and cursed mildly under her breath as she bent her right leg to repeat the action. Pulling them up to her waist she scraped over the developing bruise at her hip and fastened them, the snug fit in some ways helping to alleviate the pain.
Preferring not to answer, certainly not until she had that all important cup of coffee, she reiterated, “I need to check on Emma,” and made to make her escape.
Natalia called after her, determined, “Hey, we’re not done.”
Olivia stopped, her head hanging, “No, I know.” She turned and smiled, “But we are for now.”
With that she left the room.
To be continued…
Flashback scene taken from episodes 17th and 18th April 2008 and can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgbvPJSpf8k and here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIAMVFyeVB8...feature=related with thanks to OtaliaNut for the clips.
FANDOM: Guiding Light
PAIRING: Otalia
SUMMARY: Set mid-friendship, this will contain elements of hurt/comfort as I'm a hurt/comfort junkie. Olivia, Natalia and Emma have returned from their few days away and follows canon around the 'Decker days'...hopefully more interesting than the summary suggests. Please request before archiving.
RATING: PG for now
AUTHOR's NOTE: This is my second attempt at fanfic and I have to say I am more nervous with this one than the first, partly because I fear there could be a level of expectation to overcome. So please be gentle with me, I hope you enjoy the formula I have decided to go with this time because personally, I think the best Otalia story and in particular ‘hurt/comfort’ story was the one shown on TV. As always my thanks to my Canadian Buddy, Critic2000, who read this through and offered useful suggestions and insight, let alone put up with my endless angst and anguish as to whether this story would be worth posting, bless ‘er.
An additional thanks to those of you who have actively encouraged me to right this sequel and offered your support, it truly is an inspiration
ADDITIONAL NOTE: This does loosely follow on from my first story 'A Few Days Away' hence I have said it is a sequel but as I never fully intended to write this, it’s been an interesting experience to find a way to make it fit within the time period I wanted to cover, therefore please gloss over any inconsistencies from one story to the next. It is not essential to have read the first story, but some things may make more sense if you do.
Good evening all, another year older and working on the 'wiser'
I hope you enjoy my humble offering this evening, I'm thinking maybe 3 more chapters left to go...
DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.
( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 ) ( Chapter 3 ) ( Chapter 4 ) ( Chapter 5 ) ( Chapter 6 ) ( Chapter 7 ) ( Chapter 8 ) ( Chapter 9 ) ( Chapter 10 ) ( Chapter 11 ) ( Chapter 12 ) ( Chapter 13 ) ( Chapter 14 ) ( Chapter 15 ) ( Chapter 16 )
Chapter 17
Time stopped.
Two pairs of eyes reflected horror, hurt and shame and like some carnival mirror their similar actions were distorted as one raised a hand to cover their mouth in shock while the other covered their cheek, the skin still tingling with heat where it had momentarily flared with pain.
“Oh my God, Olivia, I’m so sorry.” Natalia moved toward the frozen woman, her stinging hand outstretched in apology.
Olivia flinched away rebuking the effort with eyes that radiated such a wealth of emotion Natalia could feel her own eyes begin to water in sympathy.
“Please, Olivia, I didn’t know what else to do.” Still no response, Natalia opened her mouth to try again, “I was…”
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
Natalia blinked, “I’m sorry?”
“You heard me. Where do you get off…?”
“Now wait a minute, just wait a minute,” Natalia reached for Olivia’s arm and grabbing it, forced her to look at her. “I was thinking of Emma.”
The expressive eyes flicked towards her demanding more and knowing she finally had Olivia’s undivided attention she went on, “Don’t you think that child is scared enough without you charging in there screaming ‘Fire!’ where there isn’t one?”
Still bristling from the smarting on her face, Olivia rubbed her cheek and lowered her hand, her stare finally breaking away to look down. She sniffed and shook her head, “I thought there was a fire.”
“Obviously but there isn’t Olivia, you have to believe me. Do you honestly think I’d be stood here arguing with you if I thought we were in danger? If I thought Emma was in danger?”
Olivia frowned, “But I could smell smoke, I swear it…”
“Hey,” the situation calmer now, Natalia pulled on the arm she still held and dragged Olivia away from the door to sit next to her on the bed. Clearly still lost in thought the confused woman complied and sat, her head tilting to one side as she tried to make sense of what had just happened. “When I came in here,” Natalia continued, “I think you were dreaming again.”
“Hm?” Olivia broke off from her thoughts and grasped onto Natalia’s words as if to save herself from drowning, “I was?”
“Yeah, you’d managed to get yourself fairly well entangled and you were trying to escape.”
Olivia listened, hopeful for any explanation for her behavior that wouldn’t have her carted off to Ravenwood, once in a lifetime was more than enough for that thank you very much.
“I was trying to help you when you started mumbling about fire and then the next thing I know you were at the door.” Natalia looked down at her hands before meeting Olivia’s eyes head on, “Olivia, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really didn’t but you were…”
“What? What was I?” She couldn’t stop there; she needed to understand what was happening. She was starting to believe she was going to go insane if she wasn’t there already.
“You, you called me Ava.”
Olivia blinked, “I did?”
“Yeah, you said something about how you had to go and that you’d send somebody back for me?”
Olivia’s hand covered her mouth, her eyes brimming with unshed tears and her shoulders hitched.
“What?” Natalia was trying to understand why her friend looked so upset again. “What is it? Did I say something wrong? Oh my God, I didn’t really hurt you did I?”
Olivia shook her head and snorted a bit at Natalia’s last comment. She had taken harder knocks than that in her life. No, what was upsetting to Olivia was that she was finally beginning to piece together elements of her dream.
She wiped her eyes and pulled her hair back behind her ear smiling slightly, “No,” she assured, “you didn’t really hurt me.”
“Phew, well… that’s a relief,” Natalia flashed hesitant dimples at her and simultaneously taking her hand and making eye contact with her asked, “Then what is it? You can tell me Olivia.”
She knew she could and couldn’t understand why she was being so reluctant, why she was holding so much back… what point in the end would it actually serve?
Natalia had never judged her she realized, only made her see herself in a different way and maybe that was why she was choosing to hold some things, things which in her mind were appallingly disgraceful, back. She was already ashamed and she feared this time Natalia would finally see her for who she really was and she didn’t think her heart could take seeing herself reflected in those disappointed dark eyes.
Natalia squeezed her hand again and Olivia looked up and into a face, so trusting, supportive and strong and unbelievably full of faith in her.
Her breath caught.
It shouldn’t really still surprise her how this slight woman always managed to find a way to make her talk about things, really talk about how she was feeling. She was capable of making her divulge some of her darkest thoughts, change her perspective and do things she had no intention of doing. She had done it before after all.
Olivia was huddled under her bedcovers. Somehow she just couldn’t muster up the energy to move or to care and accepted it was easier to lie there and wallow. She knew she was being despondent, withdrawing away from everyone and everything but she hated herself, simple as that.
But is it really as simple as that… she wondered, nothing in my life is normally.
Her thoughts dark she considered her morning.
Earlier, after spending another restless night with her mind drifting in contemplation, she had finally managed to find a position comfortable to lie in, unconcerned it was a little unorthodox to be stretched out on the floor and uncaring beyond the brief respite from pain it afforded her.
She had wanted to escape.
She had wanted her mind to switch off and allow her a moment, just one peaceful moment away from her guilt and self-recrimination.
Instead she ended up having to deal with ‘St Natalia’ who insisted upon helping her up off the floor, tidying up her room and ensuring she had a nurse to look after her.
She had found it hard to fully engage with her, her mind annoyingly sluggish even as it latched onto the one thought determined to burn its way into her brain and she was unable to prevent herself from saying it out loud, perhaps hopeful it would have the desired effect of finally chasing the meddlesome woman away.
“I need to die.”
She knew it was a mistake the moment she said it, sensing the younger woman would be even more single-minded than usual in her refusal to leave her alone and let her be.
While a tiny locked in part of her was silently cheering Natalia on and applauding her persistence, the rest of Olivia raged, she had a plan and she was sticking to it.
She had threatened to fire her and was taken aback not only by Natalia’s verbal response, an insulting attack reminiscent of a parent berating a small child which triggered an unwanted childhood memory in her, but also by her inability to follow through on her threat.
Why didn’t she just fire her?
It bothered her slightly how Natalia had called her on her behavior and it baffled her why this woman insistently refused to leave.
Thinking her demands were quite clear she sighed as Natalia opened a bottle of water and hated the sound of desperation in her voice as she tried again, “You need to move along, please.” Her anger spent and exhaustion setting in she rubbed at her eyes, hopeful Natalia would get the hint. “Go back to work. The customers will complain.”
“What do you care? You'll be dead.” The bottle hit the table with a resounding and final thud as if to punctuate her words.
Mindful of Natalia’s cold tone, Olivia observed thoughtfully, “And you'll be happy.”
Natalia had crossed the room to place some flowers on her bedside unit, perhaps intent on reminding her of the beauty of life but her words were harsh, “If that's what it would take to get rid of this sick feeling, to make me stop missing Gus every second of every day, then I would close up this room and leave you in here to rot. Believe me, I wish it had been you that died. And I will wish that every day for the rest of my life.”
The words should hurt but they didn’t, they couldn’t even begin to scratch the surface of her own self-hatred. Olivia played with her hair as her eyes focused outside the room but she was listening and she calmly absorbed them, using them as fuel to her fire.
Unaware of what her eyes were physically seeing as her thoughts spiraled inward Olivia spoke, “You know, if you wish it enough and you want it really bad, it will happen.”
“What are you talking about?”
Olivia finally gave voice to the truth which harmed her and caused her more pain than she thought she could bear, “I made Gus die.”
She was pleased she had been able to say it and comforted it was ultimately Natalia who heard her confession.
There was no sound in the room and Olivia was almost disappointed when Natalia didn’t immediately agree with her.
The younger woman was obviously taking a moment to absorb this piece of information and Olivia, to some extent unburdened by her statement but still unwilling to look her in the eye, could sense her circle the bed before she spoke.
“Gus died in a motorcycle accident.”
“It's my fault.”
“In a way, yes, he was looking for you.”
Olivia snapped out of her fugue understanding how she now needed to make Natalia understand as she did. “You don't get it. You don't get it,” she said again.
As she watched Natalia cross the room to her balcony doors Olivia sat forward, “I prayed, I prayed so hard for a heart. I didn't care who died.”
She was talking to Natalia’s back as she opened the doors and noticed the slump of her shoulders, the brief hanging of her head before she held herself up again and Olivia continued to bombard her with her truth, “I just never said, ‘God, please, don't make it someone that I know and love.’ And that’s...”
She couldn’t go on. Natalia had turned, daylight entering the room for the first time in days and casting a glow around her. She had to look away, feelings of regret, anger, unworthiness and sorrow once again overwhelming her.
Natalia’s voice sounded her disbelief as she asked, “Do you think God let Gus die to answer your prayer?”
Olivia realized how it sounded, how egotistical it must appear but she had been thinking about this over and over and over. From the moment she had awoken from surgery and learned the truth of her reprieve it had consumed her every thought. Another of God’s little jokes on her she was sure. How many other times in the past had she caused irreparable harm to the people she loved with her words alone?
“Yeah,” her eyes watered, “I guess you think it unlikely that God would listen to me at all.”
When there was no immediate response she turned to look at Natalia who swallowed and began to pace, clearly feeling some careful consideration of her question was called for.
She watched her pace the room, her fingers playing and pulling at her bottom lip, deep in thought.
Olivia was sure Natalia had puzzled something out but was trying to work out how to put it into words. “What? Say it?” she demanded in a wispy voice, her very words tinged with apathy.
Natalia dropped her hand and faced her, “God loves everyone, even you.”
Olivia wanted to laugh in her despair but instead remained quiet, waiting to hear what other pearls of wisdom the younger woman had to offer her.
“But I don't believe that it was your prayer that took Gus away,” Natalia continued. “And I think that there must be a reason, and I hope that someday I can understand what that reason was. But it wasn't because you were hoping and wishing for a heart.”
Unable to either laugh or cry she fell back on sarcasm, “I feel so much better.”
“Do you?”
“No!” Olivia couldn’t believe the hopeful look on Natalia’s face as she asked her that. “You can spout all you want to, but I know what I did.”
She was resigned now. “I know what I did,” she virtually whispered again, “And I can't live with it. I won’t.”
“And I can't just let you die. Not with Gus' heart inside you.”
“No,” Olivia cut in, her soul stinging from hearing Natalia’s underlying reason for caring whether she lived or died. It had to be about Gus, of course it was going to be about Gus, how could she… what was she hoping for? Remember how dangerous it is to hope and pray… “I'll call the police.”
“Oh, good. Call them and then they’ll take you to the hospital and like it or not they will keep you alive.”
Olivia felt trapped and like any trapped, wounded animal went on the attack, words her most powerful weapon, “You know I, for the life of me, cannot understand how Gus settled for a stupid, self-righteous woman like you. He deserved so much better.”
At last she had found the right thing to say to make the woman leave as Natalia stopped in her tracks, looked heavenward and moved toward the door, pausing only briefly with her back to the room before finally exiting without a further word.
She thought it was what she wanted.
Not moving from her spot the room suddenly seemed very lonely and as the minutes slowly turned her utter grief and depression overwhelmed her again.
Sending all of the items on her bedside unit including her medicines crashing to the floor Olivia burst into tears, “I’m sorry. I'm sorry, Gus. I'm sorry! I miss you.”
Crying herself out she lay there, surprised when the door lock whirred and Natalia entered her room once more. She couldn’t hold back the sigh.
“Yeah, I’m back.” Natalia threw her keycard onto the other bedside unit as she climbed onto the bed next to her, “And I’m staying.”
Olivia didn’t understand, Natalia was settling herself into a comfortable spot next to her on her bed and announcing, “I’m going to keep you alive.”
Truthfully, at that moment she experienced awe.
Never had anyone shown her the level of persistence this woman seemed to.
Now it was several hours later and Olivia lay bundled up in bed unwilling to move or gather the energy to care. Her mind actively reviewing her day and chewing on the things Natalia had said even as she was determined to hold onto her self-loathing.
She was alone, Natalia had left a while ago and Olivia assumed it was due to her new tactic of non-engagement, choosing instead to become mired down in her thoughts. Experience taught her nobody ever really sticks around for long.
The door whirred and opened.
“Oh, you're back.” Olivia sighed heavily. Some people just take longer to leave, go already, leave me be.
She noticed Natalia was carrying a tray with a brown paper bag on it and dreaded the inevitable.
“Time for lunch,” she announced dropping the keycard down on the unit again in what was becoming a practiced habit. “It was really fun charging your account.”
The tray was placed over her and Natalia removed the bag, “I am going to have a burger and some fries, and you're going to have soup.”
She brought me food? Olivia simply stared at her.
She really didn’t know what to feel as the containers were laid out on the tray for her and Natalia took her own food over to the dresser so she could sit and eat with her. She certainly hadn’t expected this. Truthfully not having the energy or desire to eat she watched as Natalia consumed another fry on her way over to her.
“Your soup is going to get cold. You have to eat, build up your strength.”
“Didn't you hear a word that I s...”
“I heard you. You think you want to die. Too bad. Gus didn't want to die. Gus loved life. And now all that is left of him is his big, beautiful heart, in there. I'm not going to let it go to waste.”
Natalia sighed heavily and pushed the soup container and spoon closer to her, “You're just like Rafe when he was a baby.”
Great, now I’m being compared to a baby. “This is my punishment. God is making me spend time with you.”
“God gave you a gift. He obviously loves you.”
Olivia was having a hard time seeing it that way, “You need to take your God and your soup and leave me alone.”
“You are a horrible, ungrateful person.”
It was like tennis, she would serve and Natalia would volley. It didn’t seem to matter what she said, Natalia just answered her back. It was infuriating.
Knowing it would sound childish she countered, “Yeah, so?”
“Do you think Gus would want you to squander the gift you've been given?”
“I don't know. I’ll ask him when I see him.”
“No! You've already destroyed enough. You have no right...”
“There's nothing you can do!” Her mind was made up and on course again.
“Okay.” Natalia put her food down on the dresser and walked back to the bed and around it, “Fine. You win.”
Olivia watched her leave convinced she had seen the last of her and proving her adage true once more.
She moved the tray away from her the thought of food turning her stomach and for the first time in hours climbed out of bed. She wanted a different view of the room and made it as far as her chair, collapsing onto it and falling into a light doze from the exertion, disgusted at her lack of strength and stamina. It gave her some maudlin hope she wouldn’t have to wait long for the end.
When she next opened her eyes Ava was there but thankfully Emma wasn’t with her.
Ava was excited, overly so in Olivia’s opinion and she listened to her enthusing about her desire to have a baby with an almost decided lack of interest. Ava’s expectant joy could not seem to penetrate through the veil of Olivia’s guilt.
She had known there was no baby and that it had simply been a ruse, she wasn’t a stupid woman but the most she could offer to her impatient child was the hard truth that it was hard to wait.
She was waiting.
When Ava left she had dozed again her life reduced to a pitiful cycle of sleep, apathy and guilt infused wakefulness. Waking again, she levered herself from the chair and crossed to her dresser to view the photos of her two daughters. She knew she should feel something looking at them but was incapable even of feeling fear that she felt nothing.
As apathy reclaimed her yet again she stumbled over to the bed, crawling into it once more and pulling the covers over her in hopes she could just sleep her way out of existence.
Several hours passed and when she next woke thinking she would go insane from staring at the same four walls or being left to wander the corridors of her mind, switched on her set and subjected herself to the horrors of daytime television.
Natalia reentered the room and taking control picked up the remote to turn off the TV, “Too much of this is no good.”
“Yeah. It's murder.”
She came back… again, she actually came back.
Olivia said nothing as Natalia put down the remote and turned back to the carrier bag she had brought in with her.
“Okay. Let's see what we have,” she said perkily as she reached into the bag. “We have juices. We have two kinds of smoothies, strawberry and mango, one is non-dairy. And, oh look, more soup.”
Unsure what to make of the continued upbeat tone or the tingle of sensation beneath her chest, Olivia remained lying there.
“The only thing I don't have in here is alcohol,” Natalia advised.
“That's too bad.” Olivia would have happily consumed some right about now because that at least would explain the unnerving, giddy sensation welling up inside.
“There's got to be something in here that you would like.”
“Stop it. You can't make me eat.” She knew she was being childish and stubborn, the woman in her room tempting her to eat always seemed to bring out that side of her but for once she wasn’t embarrassed by it, in fact she found it freeing to find someone who just dealt with it, more than that, would call her on it and keep coming back for more.
She came back.
She looked up at her trying to ignore the twinge of hunger she suddenly felt.
Natalia returned the look, “I'm not a quitter, like you.”
Olivia stared at her. Was she? There had been moments in the past when her feelings of rejection had pushed her to make some bad choices but she never really thought of herself as a quitter. Regardless of what she thought of herself though, it intrigued her that Natalia’s comment could spark some other emotion in her other than guilt or shame.
There was that sense of awe again and this time it was amplified by a wave of fascination. Olivia was completely fascinated with this woman who continually defied her demands and wishes and who plainly refused to allow Olivia to die.
Internally experiencing a complete shift of thinking Olivia quietly and quickly said, “Strawberry.”
“I'm sorry?”
She could hear the surprised but hopeful and pleased tone in the question and somehow resigning herself to the knowledge she was not going to win this one clearly stated again, “Strawberry.”
Back then surrendering to the other woman had been as simple as a single word and Olivia would be forever grateful to this woman who had become the keeper of her heart, in more ways than one.
She nodded and began, “I didn’t get it before. It wasn’t that I was trying to keep something from you, it was that I didn’t have all the pieces and…and now, I get it. Well, some of it.”
Natalia was a very patient woman, Olivia knew this but she could tell her waffling around the point wasn’t helping matters. She tried again.
“A couple of years ago at the Beacon, there was a fire.”
“Oh,” Natalia sounded surprised, “was anybody hurt?”
“No, well… Mallet had smoke inhalation and well it depends what you mean by hurt?”
“I’m taking it no one died?”
“No.” Olivia shook her head.
“Then what happened? What has you thinking about that now?”
Olivia let out a heavy breath, as much to dispel the unwanted return of the queasy sensation in her stomach as to gather her thoughts, “When the fire broke out I was in my office. I uh… I wasn’t alone.”
“Okay.”
Olivia seemed to have stalled again and Natalia squeezed the hand she was holding, encouraging her to go on.
“Ava was with me. We were arguing, thinking back on it we actually spent quite a lot of our time back then arguing. There had been some malicious gossip posted on the internet targeting a lot of people in the area, myself included…” Olivia almost winced in pain at the memories that damn blogger had unearthed and had to shut her eyes as the hateful and hurtful ‘Remember Labor Day’ scrolled in flames across her mind. In many ways, that was what had set this all in motion but she really didn’t want to have to go there, not now. She shook herself, “Anyway there was something about it and Ava’s attitude toward it which made me think she was behind it all.”
“Was she?” Natalia could vaguely recall hearing someone discuss this sordid moment in Springfield’s past but really knew very little about it and watching Olivia’s reaction wondered what exactly had someone posted about her that had her paling and her palms becoming slick.
“No, it wasn’t her but I was convinced at the time. She was working for me and this blogger,” Olivia sighed again, desperate to explain this the right way so Natalia would understand but without having to go into detail. “They seemed to know things only someone with connections like Ava could know so I called a meeting with her in my office. At some point during our discussion we became aware of the smell of smoke. At first, I thought it was Fritz burning something in the kitchen, he used to have this nasty habit of dipping into the wine cellar when he was cooking…”
Olivia appeared to fade off into memory again and Natalia prompted, “But it wasn’t him?”
“No, it wasn’t. I was so blasé, so sure the alarms would go off I mean, I can’t afford to panic every time the cook gets drunk right?”
The indignation had Natalia nodding in agreement.
“Anyway, the smoke got thicker and that’s when we realized there was a bigger problem. I remember trying the door and then warning Ava the handle was hot when she felt my efforts weren’t sufficient but she was determined and as she’s trying to find a way to open the door I remember my heart plummeting…” Echoes from the dream washed over her causing her to shiver in reaction, “It was about the time when Emma would be back and I had no idea if she was in the building.”
“That must’ve been terrifying for you.” Natalia felt the shudder, her thumb stroking over goosebumps like Braille.
“It was. As you know, Emma is my world and the thought…” her already churning insides flip-flopped and she gulped down a breath, pushing the thought aside, “I had to find her. All the phone lines were dead and I had stupidly left my cell.”
“What did you do? What happened?”
With the recent soundtrack from her dream playing in her mind she vividly recalled the confusion, could smell the acrid smell of smoke burning her nasal hairs and making her eyes sting. She wanted to cough convinced she was breathing it in and then the bang… she swallowed, desperate to moisten the inside of her mouth.
“There was an explosion.” Olivia heard Natalia gasp beside her, “The door Ava had been struggling with came off its hinges and trapped her, she was completely pinned down and there was no way I could save her. I tried, I promise you I tried but Emma was out there and she was my little girl.”
Tears had begun a steady flow down Olivia’s face and Natalia waited somehow knowing there was more.
“I left Ava there.”
Maybe it was the dream, the way it had brought it all to the forefront of her mind, maybe it was because she was rundown and her defenses were low, maybe it was because Natalia was there and she had an uncontrollable desire to have this woman of extraordinary virtue understand her and provide some form of absolution but at that moment it was as if she was reliving it again and she needed to justify her actions. Desperately, her heart rate increasing as panic set in she explained, “I couldn’t lift the door, it was too heavy and I had to get to Emma. I knew I could send someone back for Ava, I promised her I would but… I left her there, screaming at me not to leave.”
As Olivia’s face crumbled with the weight of sorrow for what followed, Natalia pulled her towards her chest and held her as she cried.
They sat for a few minutes; Natalia hated seeing Olivia like this but was convinced this was something that was long overdue. She knew she had had a difficult year with her health, with Ava and she was learning from snatches of the past how this year was one in a series of a very complicated and at times painful life.
While her own life had not been all sunshine and roses Natalia did at least have her faith and she took comfort in that.
She wished for Olivia’s sake she could take it all away and as she contemplated what Olivia had told her she asked herself what she would have done and how she would have felt in that situation?
Absently she stroked back Olivia’s hair enjoying its luxurious texture as it fell through her fingers and idly thought how much it reminded her of Olivia; rich, strong, layered and full of body. It encouraged her and filled her with renewed spirit, together they would tackle this, whatever it was because Natalia knew there was more, there had to be and together she was finding they made a good team.
When the tears died down Olivia did not pull away. Her stomach was unsettled but she was calmer now, the fingers raking through her hair and massaging her scalp sending pleasant tingles down her body and serving to remind her of when Natalia washed her hair.
Allowing her thoughts to clear and thinking she may have mislead Natalia she said, “I didn’t know at the time.”
“Know what?”
“That she was my daughter.” Olivia waited, this was where it was going to get tricky, “I often wonder how different things would have been if I had known from the start who she was.”
“What do you mean?” Natalia’s curiosity was truly peaked now. If Olivia hadn’t known Ava was her daughter then how on earth could she be expected not to choose to save her flesh and blood in such a serious situation? It was something about the way Olivia said it which had Natalia sensing there was something more to this. When Olivia had previously discussed her dreams she had stated they accused her of being ‘undeserving’ of her children and that she ‘hurt’ them. Was that it? Leaving Ava trapped under a door while a fire raged? Somehow it didn’t ring true, no one could blame Olivia for her actions, so what was it?
Olivia shifted slightly and realized now with her head so close to Natalia’s there was a faint smell of smoke upon her hair, “Have you been smoking?”
“No.” Natalia was both disgusted at the implication and puzzled by the question in the midst of all her inner musings.
“Your hair, it smells smoky.”
“Huh? Oh yeah, I was outside earlier, there was a bonfire.” Not wanting the conversation to drift when she felt she was finally going to get some answers she guided Olivia back on track. “What did you mean Olivia? About how things would have been different?”
Olivia sat up, regaining her wits after her little episode and unsure she was willing to unburden herself of all the other unkind acts she had perpetrated towards her eldest daughter. What she needed was to quiet her upset stomach and fearful she would be unable to eat anything and that Natalia would frown upon a request for alcohol asked, “Do we have any coffee?”
“I had some brewing earlier, I don’t know if it’s still any good.” Natalia recognized the deflection.
“I think I need some.” She rubbed her brow and moved to stand, wincing as she did so.
“Good Lord, Olivia when did you do that?” Natalia’s attention refocused, her hand reaching toward Olivia’s hip.
Olivia had already turned her head to view the offending limb. With the adrenaline from the dream wearing off and her concentration no longer focused on her recollection of the past, various aches and pains were making themselves known to her, most notably at the moment the throbbing from her right side.
Releasing a sharp pained breath as her fingers accidentally connected with the rapidly darkening area along her hip and taking a moment to evaluate similar sensations on her shoulder and knee, it occurred to her the tumble she had taken from the bed earlier that morning had been more impacting than she had initially realized, not that her mind had been on much of anything at the time other than seeing her daughter.
“Must’ve been when I fell out of bed,” she tried for whimsical, thinking how ridiculous it sounded for a grown woman to fall out of bed but Natalia was eyeing her and Olivia could tell she was primed to ask more questions.
“Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?” Natalia was already reaching out to tackle clothing in her concern to see what other damage had been done.
Hmm, lie or tell the truth? Olivia considered her options. Is there really any point in lying? She’s going to find out anyway, somehow she always does. Besides, there are bigger secrets to keep.
Olivia nodded, “My shoulder, I think I caught it when I landed and,” she tested her weight on her knee and received an uncomfortable twinge in answer, “I might have twisted my knee a little.”
Natalia’s eyes zeroed in on the knee in question and her fingers gently probed around the flesh there, “It doesn’t feel swollen but maybe you should sit down again and I’ll get some ice to…” she trailed off as she remembered she didn’t have any ice, no frozen goods, all the food and accessories they had Buzz had provided for them last night and as she hadn’t expected them to stay… She looked up at Olivia apologetically, “I don’t have any ice.”
Olivia couldn’t help it, she laughed. Natalia looked so endearingly sorry. “It’s okay, it’s just a bruise. I’ve had them before; no doubt I’ll have them again.”
Natalia frowned and pulled her unhappy face, she didn’t like the idea of Olivia being hurt however minor and cavalier about it the older woman chose to be. Only the other night she had seen the bruises again from their trip away, barely healed and yet here were new ones already turning lurid in colour. With particular concern for her much maligned shoulder Natalia was unable to refrain from checking again, “Are you sure?”
“Really, it’s fine.” Even though her side was stinging like a bitch now she was aware of it, Olivia limped to the chair where her jeans lay and picked them up, “And I think I better check on Emma.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
Confused at the tone of Natalia’s statement, Olivia looked up from her task to meet her curious stare head on.
“About what you meant Olivia? About how things would’ve been different?”
Fumbling with her jeans she braced to take the weight on her right leg while she covered her left and cursed mildly under her breath as she bent her right leg to repeat the action. Pulling them up to her waist she scraped over the developing bruise at her hip and fastened them, the snug fit in some ways helping to alleviate the pain.
Preferring not to answer, certainly not until she had that all important cup of coffee, she reiterated, “I need to check on Emma,” and made to make her escape.
Natalia called after her, determined, “Hey, we’re not done.”
Olivia stopped, her head hanging, “No, I know.” She turned and smiled, “But we are for now.”
With that she left the room.
To be continued…
Flashback scene taken from episodes 17th and 18th April 2008 and can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgbvPJSpf8k and here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIAMVFyeVB8...feature=related with thanks to OtaliaNut for the clips.