GL - A FEW DAYS MORE - Chapter 8
TITLE: A Few Days More
FANDOM: Guiding Light
PAIRING: Otalia
SUMMARY: Set mid-friendship, this will contain elements of hurt/comfort as I'm a hurt/comfort junkie. Olivia, Natalia and Emma have returned from their few days away and follows canon around the 'Decker days'...hopefully more interesting than the summary suggests. Please request before archiving.
RATING: PG for now
AUTHOR's NOTE: This is my second attempt at fanfic and I have to say I am more nervous with this one than the first, partly because I fear there could be a level of expectation to overcome. So please be gentle with me, I hope you enjoy the formula I have decided to go with this time because personally, I think the best Otalia story and in particular ‘hurt/comfort’ story was the one shown on TV. As always my thanks to my Canadian Buddy, Critic2000, who read this through and offered useful suggestions and insight, let alone put up with my endless angst and anguish as to whether this story would be worth posting, bless ‘er.
An additional thanks to those of you who have actively encouraged me to right this sequel and offered your support, it truly is an inspiration
ADDITIONAL NOTE: This does loosely follow on from my first story 'A Few Days Away' hence I have said it is a sequel but as I never fully intended to write this, it’s been an interesting experience to find a way to make it fit within the time period I wanted to cover, therefore please gloss over any inconsistencies from one story to the next. It is not essential to have read the first story, but some things may make more sense if you do.
Evening all! Or whatever time of day it is with you. So here it is, I finally got around to posting the next chapter. Thank you for your comments, as always they are very much appreciated and go a long way in keeping me posting :)
DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.
( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 ) ( Chapter 3 ) ( Chapter 4 ) ( Chapter 5 ) ( Chapter 6 ) ( Chapter 7 )
Chapter 8
Natalia froze.
Olivia’s sudden awakening left her uncertain what to do next. Deciding to wait and let Olivia take the lead, she watched as Olivia’s eyes cast about the room, searching for something but never once meeting her own.
After mere seconds, which dragged on for an eternity, Olivia regained control of her breathing and pulled her arms free of Natalia’s grip. While Natalia tried to make sense of what was happening she watched Olivia turn to reach for her water and noted her unsuccessful attempt to conceal her tremors after a shaking hand brushed through her hair.
She had seen this before but before, Olivia hadn’t shut down as she was doing now, she hadn’t turned away from her and refused to meet her eye. If Natalia didn’t know any better, she would say Olivia was embarrassed. She could understand that, she wouldn’t like it if somebody witnessed her in such a vulnerable state but it wasn’t like this was new for either of them. So what was it this time that had changed?
Was it being back in Springfield?
Natalia wasn’t sure because annoyingly, they hadn’t really had the opportunity to really chat but Olivia was an outspoken woman and truthfully, Natalia didn’t think location would mean that much to her.
No, there had to be something about the nature of the dream itself.
“Want to tell me about it?” She had to try, they were friends right? Friends tell each other things. Olivia gave a swift shake of her head, her eyes tightening slightly at the movement. Just not this it seemed.
Maybe she just needed a prod, an opening, or possibly a reminder she had trusted in Natalia once, “Was it like before?”
A plethora of emotions crossed Olivia’s face; Natalia desperately trying to read each one.
“What are you still doing here?” Olivia asked.
“I…?”
“What? Had nothing better to do?”
Natalia had confronted this beast before, “Apparently somebody needed my help.”
“And you did, job done.”
She wanted to say something, attempted to but once again Olivia was expertly pushing her away, “You can go now.”
Could she? Is this really what Olivia wanted?
“I don’t want you here!”
Her unspoken question answered Natalia still didn’t believe it but she could see Olivia had made up her mind and was tenuously holding on, precariously so; it almost made her want to stay in challenge.
When Olivia finally demanded, “Go!” Natalia knew there would be no reasoning with her and frankly, it was almost two in the morning, she was tired, she had done what she could and been given ‘permission’ to leave. It hurt, a lot and the sympathetic side of her knew eventually Olivia would feel bad and she felt bad for her but for some reason, this cycle just kept repeating.
Somehow on the roster she was always scheduled to clean the floor with Olivia’s suite on it. She had wondered at first if it was Maria’s idea of a joke to continually put her where she would have contact with the woman who had borrowed her husband and then taken his heart but then she reasoned a lot of the other housekeepers were afraid of the Beacon owner and Maria had worked out Natalia could hold her own, generally came out of any dealings unscathed and was desperate enough for money she would keep coming back.
Making her way around the floor Natalia approached Olivia’s room as the last one to be cleaned. She hadn’t seen Olivia since the previous day when Olivia had finally been released from Cedars and she found her clutching her ice bucket, collapsed outside this very room.
She had been unwilling to leave her there despite the ungrateful attitude; an attitude that failed to improve when Natalia managed to steady the teetering woman, resettled her on the bed and then refused to leave until she knew she wouldn’t pass out again.
While she stayed with her for a bit Mel had tracked her down to discuss Gus’ will and Olivia perplexed her again, surprising her by offering to buy the house he had willed to her and claimed it was a form of payment for the heart that saved her life. Taken aback she had asked, “You would do that? For me? For Rafe?”
There had been a drawn out silence in which Mel excused herself and Natalia continued to study the supine woman staring at the ceiling. She hadn’t known what to say until Olivia clarified, “I'm not buying the house for you. I'm buying it for me. I need some place to recover. Some place quiet. And that was the last thing that Gus bought, and I want it. I want to live in it.”
She should have known, “Of course. You would kick me and Rafe out of our home?”
“It was never really yours, was it?”
She was so hurt she really wished she had left her on the floor but later, while sharing a meal with Rafe at Company she had some time to think it over and she realized Olivia was really having a hard time with everything that was going on and she had to be hurting too.
So it was Natalia stood outside Olivia’s suite again, ready to do battle but hoping the woman wasn’t there so she could just clean the room and move on.
She knocked tentatively on the door.
No answer.
She knocked firmer this time and when no call came to advise ‘don’t come in’, she entered her master key card into the lock and opened the door.
The room was dark apart from the light showing from the bathroom, the bedclothes heaped in a messy pile in the centre of the bed. Switching the nearside lamp on low, Natalia walked around the bed to take in the full extent of what needed to be cleaned, starting with changing the towels.
As she rounded the corner of the bed she stopped, lying on the floor, face down with her head on a cushion and a sheet partially draped over her was Olivia. Unsure whether she had fallen or twisted herself in an effort to find a comfortable way to lie, Natalia knelt down beside her and hesitantly placed a hand upon her back.
Relieved she was at least breathing she noticed the sweaty sheen to her skin, “Olivia, are you alright?” The woman had only been released yesterday, maybe it was too soon.
A soft response of, “Unfortunately,” and Olivia’s eyelids slowly separated to show despondent eyes.
Unfortunately? Had she heard right? “What are you doing? Lying there? Do you need help getting up?”
Olivia heaved out a resigned sigh and attempted to push herself up, Natalia supporting her as her weak limbs threatened to drop her to the floor again. Together, Olivia achieved a sitting position on the bed and Natalia turned to switch the other light on.
“It's a mess in here.” Olivia looked around to see what Natalia was talking about as Natalia continued, “What kind of nurse did they hire for you? She should be fired.”
“She was. I got rid of her two hours after she got here. I think she was drunk.”
Was Olivia serious? She just didn’t always get this woman’s sense of humour and if it wasn’t for the fact she knew Olivia had recently undergone heart surgery, the look on her face now would have convinced Natalia that it was Olivia who was drunk. She was heavy-lidded, her head lolling slightly with the effort to remain upright and her whole demeanor reeked of lethargy.
“Where is your family? Where are your daughters? Where’s Jeffrey O’Neill?” she fired at her, surely one of these people had been to see her.
Olivia turned away from her, “You're nosey, you know that?”
Natalia’s frustration grew, “I saw them at the hospital. You're a pain but they wouldn't just leave you like this.”
“And they didn’t. Ava has Emma until...” she was shaking her head clearly trying to recollect but losing the will to follow through on the thought, “…and Jeffrey is away on business.”
Natalia’s concern at Olivia’s apparent lack of interest in the whereabouts of her youngest daughter was sounding alarms, this wasn’t right, something really wasn’t right here. Olivia loved that child, she was her world. She couldn’t believe Olivia’s family would just abandon her here, like this…“Yeah, but they thought that you had a nurse.”
Making the decision for her she picked up the phone, “I'm going to call Ava.”
As she made to dial she saw the flashing numbers on the handset, “You have messages.”
“Just get out. Thanks for stopping by.”
“You need some help,” she slammed the phone back on its stand. Why hadn’t Olivia been picking up the phone?
“I need to die.”
Natalia felt chilled. She didn’t know how to respond to such an admission. How could this woman, who had been given a second chance at life, want to throw it away? How?
Feeling anger she hadn’t realized she was capable of Natalia turned from the woman on the bed and proceeded to tidy the room.
Olivia had looked at her, obviously awaiting a response but not expecting this, unsure exactly what ‘this’ was. She eventually reclined on the pillows, knees drawn up; her body too exhausted to maintain its slumped sitting posture. Taking this as a further sign of Olivia giving up Natalia stalked back to the bed and threw the heap of bed linen on the floor. Determined to make the bed and force Olivia out of it, to get her up and moving again, engaging in something other than her apparent… Natalia searched for a name for it, depression? Funk? One-woman pity party? She grabbed one of the sheets from the pile and whip cracked it in the air several times until it billowed and fell in an orderly fashion across the mattress.
“Are you deaf? Leave!”
“I can't now.” How could she? The woman had said she needed to die and there was something about the way she said it that lead Natalia to believe this wasn’t just an expression of how much pain she was in, a joking ‘please end it now’.
“I have a plan and I'm sticking to it.” Olivia grabbed at the sheet, petulantly trying to undo what Natalia was doing, “I want to die.”
Hearing the intent fuelled Natalia’s determination, “Yeah well, not on my shift.”
“I'll fire you!”
Natalia threw the bedcover down in disgust, “You are a whiny, little, bratty baby having a tantrum. You're worse…” she stalked around the bed, her words aimed directly at this suddenly animated individual who only moments before could barely pick herself off the ground, and angrily accused, “You're the most disgustingly selfish person I know.”
Determined to finish her task, she grabbed a nearby pillow and vented her anger by plumping it.
“Then you won't miss me when I'm gone.”
They both reached for the next pillow at the same time with Olivia’s fury reigning as she grabbed it and threw it across the room, “Now, leave!”
Back then she didn’t leave, too concerned about Olivia’s ‘plan’, to allow Olivia to do something which went against everything she believed in and it was only later she realized how much she genuinely cared.
Now, Natalia stood on the other side of Olivia’s suite door, caught in indecision when she thought she heard crying but she had her instructions and this was one time when she knew it was best to let sleeping dogs lie.
She turned, reversed her earlier journey down the corridor and headed home to sleep until she was needed again.
***
Olivia had no idea what time she finally managed to fall asleep last night. She awoke to the familiar blare of her alarm clock, hit snooze and lay there trying to eradicate the image of the hurt look on Natalia’s face as she shouted at her to leave… no I can’t think about that right now, she wiped her hand over her face and rubbed her eyes, appalled at the fresh wetness she found there; she had some time to get herself together, she needed it.
Her head was woolly but mercifully absent of the incessant pain she experienced last night. It was on par with a hangover, something she understood and could tolerate, even with the incredible dry mouth sticking her tongue to its roof to then release and probe around furry teeth.
Though she had either slept or passed out after her previous rude awakening, the dream had thankfully not returned, only flashes now, images that danced across her peripheral vision to taunt her.
She shivered.
Wanting to rid herself of the grungy morning after feeling she groaned as she stood up from the bed and prepared to take a shower.
Under the restorative jets of water, Olivia reclaimed her humanity. It was a process which took all of twenty minutes but was worth every one. She had thought about nothing the entire time, only how good it felt to be clean again. Toweling herself down she regarded her reflection, pulling at the skin around her face.
Not bad, keeping the bags under my eyes at bay. Need to watch how many late nights I get dragged into though. She pulled at the skin around her forehead relieved, for all the difficulties and traumas of her life, at its smoothness. Isn’t the face supposed to be the index of the mind?
Finding nothing too disconcerting she moved on to view her scars. I guess here is where my story is really told eh? She ran a finger down the faint scar bisecting her in half, its length running from at least an inch over her cleavage down to almost her bellybutton. Her eyes tracked to the recent scar along her right shoulder, the scabs gone to leave tender pink, puckered skin.
She poked at the bruised flesh on her side; it no longer physically pained her despite the dirty shades of green and yellow, only caused her to relive in fragmented pictures how she came by them and what she almost lost.
Closing her eyes briefly and shaking her head to dispel her line of thinking she took a cleansing breath.
She had a full schedule again today and there was that incident report to look into; Emma was going to be back this afternoon and she wanted to spend some time with her, perhaps if she rescheduled her two o’clock to twelve and then put her twelve on hold until tomorrow… it wasn’t urgent. Her mind flooded with a busy to-do list and it was only as she was putting the finishing touches to her ensemble she allowed herself to think about the one thing she had deliberately not thought about until now… Natalia.
***
Natalia had slept heavily but awoke with renewed conviction and purpose. Knowing there was little point in dwelling on the day, she threw back the covers to face it. She had several errands she needed to run and she had been waiting on some call backs after spending time yesterday making enquiries and trying to reorganize various events scheduled at the Beacon. She also wanted to see Buzz about some further shifts at Company, she had enjoyed helping him last night and as his business was obviously doing well at the moment thought maybe they could help each other out.
Now if she could just help out Olivia. She sighed, still trying to make sense of everything that happened. She knew Olivia was pushing herself, predicted on the basis of a fairly safe track record she would need to help pick up the pieces but last night… Last night she had felt wholly inadequate. Olivia was hurting, more she seemed terrified and it pained Natalia she had no idea why.
When they were at the cabin Natalia had congratulated herself on getting past a lot of Olivia’s defenses; demonstrating patience and unending, unwavering care she had proven time and again she could be trusted and on their last evening Olivia had let her in just enough, she thought, to quiet the nightmares.
So what was last night?
Sure, Olivia was capable of lashing out, she had been on the receiving end enough times but when she really thought about it, it was only when Olivia felt threatened. It kept coming around to the same question, what was it about the nightmare last night that had threatened and upset Olivia so much?
She itched with wanting to know.
Everything up until that point had gone either as planned or at least in some small way, expected. Was it better she had stayed to witness the nightmare? She could have left after Olivia fell asleep. So the other question she kept asking herself was why did I stay and then leave so easily?
Had she given up? Would Olivia think that? Had it been Olivia’s crying she heard and if yes, what was it that caused her to cry? The pain of her headache, the fear of her nightmare or the fact she had left?
She snorted, finding it hard to believe it was the latter but answers never came easy in relation to Olivia; all she knew was yesterday was a very long day. Natalia had done everything she could to aid the difficult woman, had helped maintain the pretense for Decker’s benefit and offered comfort where she could; where she was allowed.
Beyond that, Natalia would employ her unending patience until Olivia opened up again, she could wait.
She thought about Olivia’s morning and wondered if she had remembered to leave some water nearby for when she woke up knowing she was going to be dehydrated. Worse, she was going to feel awful about how she had spoken to her last night.
Her last thought as she gathered up her things to head to Company was how Olivia had another full schedule today but she felt confident she would call when she was needed, she always did.
***
Her day had been fulfilling, truthfully Olivia enjoyed being the owner of the Beacon hotel and naturally she preened in the shower of attention both that and her new role with Galaxy afforded her. But right now she was tired.
She had managed to reschedule her two o’clock allowing her to return to her room shortly before half past, she wanted to be there for when Emma came home. Entering her suite she swayed slightly, her vision graying. Cautiously crossing the room she settled herself on the chair, propped her legs on the table and closed her eyes, thinking a quick nap and Emma would be none the wiser about how crappy her mother actually felt.
She resisted calling Natalia. A part of her had dreaded all day how she was going to apologize for her behavior last night but on the other hand, yes, the woman had helped her out of yet another predicament but that didn’t give her the keys to the inner workings of her mind. Some things were private. Some things she couldn’t share… even when a large part of her was crying out she could trust her.
She idly wondered if that was Gus.
Sometimes she really believed he was telling her things, his heart in her chest.
Bunkum, she recalled only too easily how willing she had been to believe, the research and reading she did, the risk she put herself in and the unlikely yet consistent port in the storm she found while looking for something else, some sense of purpose and meaning.
Rick had paid her a visit, a house call. Someone had grassed her up that she was having dizzy spells and it didn’t take a genius to work out it was Remy, he was obviously still mad at her for not letting him see Ava.
Rick had lectured her about the perils of not having regular checkups and Olivia was struggling to make him understand she had something better than medicine, she had faith. He had laughed at her, threatened to call Reverend Josh and she told him, “Okay, this isn't a church thing.’ He looked unconvinced. “No, it's not. Finding Ava, losing Gus, almost dying, getting his heart… these can't all just be random acts, okay? It has to have some meaning.”
He couldn’t grasp her belief someone was watching over her. He was a doctor confronting a patient who was not following the rules and putting herself in harm’s way in the process. Rick understood faith but according to Rick, this was not about faith; this was about Alan Spaulding and his visions.
It was the way Rick suggested Alan’s visions may not be real and have some other underlying root at its cause that put the first seeds of doubt in her mind. She knew she was being ridiculous but she really wanted to believe.
After talking to Rick she was so confused she had to go for a walk. She had gone to the gazebo in the ‘Olivia Spencer’ memorial park to ‘talk’ to Gus; unsurprisingly he didn’t answer. Having wandered aimlessly for a bit she found herself at Gus’ house and sat on the picnic bench outside enjoying the peacefulness of the beautiful summer’s day.
She had been there for nearly twenty minutes when she saw Natalia striding toward her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I don't know. I find it comforting, in a weird way.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Olivia watched as the younger woman dropped her bag on the table and moved to sit beside her. It was then she noticed the hound dog look on her face, her eyes heavy with… was that guilt?
“You look like hell.” Whether it was Gus or her own sense of compassion, Olivia was compelled to ask, “Is it Rafe? What happened? Is he okay?”
Natalia was looking everywhere but at her and as if she was about to cry. Something was definitely wrong.
She finally shrugged, “I don't know.” Making eye contact Natalia continued and confessed, “He was being really careless. He was running around town and sneaking off to see Daisy, and I really thought I was doing the right thing.”
“What did you do?”
“I called Mallet. I wanted him to bring Rafe in.” Olivia was impressed and could feel her eyebrows rising at the audacity and strength of the woman before her. Turning in her own child? Olivia wasn’t sure she could do that.
“Rafe figured it out and he ran,” Natalia continued. “So now I don't know where he is and he will never trust me again, ever!”
Olivia could relate to that, “I'm the one who encouraged Ava to be with Bill. And now she's in a clinic and her baby is dead.” Her grandchild; Olivia felt the familiar tightness across her chest and put her hand against it, closing her eyes as the dizziness came and went.
“What’s the matter? What's going on?”
“Nothing,” she quickly assured, “Nothing. Gus' heart is strong.” She had faith in Gus, he wouldn’t let her down, “It's me. I'm the one who messed up.”
She thought back over all that had happened with Bill and Ava, her grandchild… how Natalia had tried to do right by her son and how he was now on the run, probably hating his mother for her unselfish act. All this set in motion by the sordid workings of her mind and her desire to have Gus. Where was the meaning in that?
Natalia sat patiently beside her and she could feel the ‘why’ the other woman wanted to ask practically radiating off of her.
Olivia sighed and explained, “Believing that Alan could channel Gus, you know, that he could tell me how I'm supposed to live my life. It's just… it’s stupid.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
Olivia looked at her not really having considered the question before now.
“I know why you're here,” Natalia answered for her, “You want to feel close to Gus. That's why I'm here.”
It was all becoming too much, how many more stupid mistakes was she going to make? This calm, compassionate woman beside her whom she had taken so much from; she needed to tell her, needed to voice her fears out loud, “Don't let it get around, but I don't want to die.”
Natalia turned and moved toward her and Olivia surprised herself how eagerly she fell into the offered hug and held on.
When the hug released Natalia immediately grabbed at her wrist, “Let me see.”
“No, no, no. I didn't say I was dying.” She pulled her arm away from the attempts to check her pulse. At least Olivia hoped she was checking for her pulse and not looking for anything more sinister.
“I know but you just said…”
“I said I didn't want to. There's a big difference.”
“Did your doctor say something to you? Did he tell you…?”
“No. I haven't seen him.”
“Why haven't you seen him?” Natalia was bewildered.
“Because...” she was feeling really stupid now, “Because I have Alan and his visions. Why would I need a doctor when I have faith?”
“That is not how it works.”
Hm, you think? “I know that now.” She decided to try honesty, “Maybe I'm just afraid of what he's going to tell me, maybe he's going to tell me something bad.”
“If he tells you something bad, then you face it.”
Was it really that simple? Looking at her unexpectedly pragmatic companion she questioned, “Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Well, I mean, you had your son arrested in hopes that Alan's visions are somehow going to protect him. We both know where he's going to end up.”
“Do you think I want my son to go to prison?” Natalia was upset.
Why was it she could never say the right thing? Especially around Natalia, “No! No! No, don't listen to me. I'm toxic.” Pinching the bridge of her nose she could feel a headache coming on; nothing was ever straightforward with this woman.
“You're not toxic.”
“Well, then why do I say the things that I do?”
“Because you're scared, just like me.”
She didn’t believe it, “You, scared?”
“I'm scared, so scared. I'm always scared. I just have my faith in Alan and in Nicky, and in helping yourself.”
“And what does that mean?”
“Call your doctor because maybe he can save you without a miracle.” Her face pulled into a hopeful smile, “And that will free one up for Rafe.”
Olivia had nothing to lose and everything to gain; pulling out her cell she put in a call.
“What did the doctor say?”
“He's going to squeeze me in, you happy?”
“Good, yes. I’ll drive you.” Natalia waved her car keys in victory and Olivia grabbed her arm, stopping her, “No, no, no. You don't trust me?”
“You shouldn't be driving if you're having chest pains.”
“You think I'm going to skip, don't you?” Olivia was caught between Natalia’s caring compassion and her ability to make her feel transparent and exposed.
“I know you,” she countered.
Did she? Well maybe she did but she was ready to take care of herself again and besides, Natalia was needed elsewhere, “You're staying. I'm going. You're going to take care of Rafe.”
Natalia opened her mouth to speak but Olivia cut her off and grinned in a knowing smile, “If you know me so well, you won't argue.”
And Natalia hadn’t, much like she hadn’t argued last night.
Olivia felt her eyes begin to close, just for a few minutes…
To be continued
Flashback scene #1 taken from episode Apr 14th & 17th 2008 and can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7wXITfp6FU and here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAremjk-hT0 with thanks to OtaliaHD and willowtarafan1 for the clips.
Flashback scene #2 taken from episode Aug 22nd 2008 (small bit from Aug 25th 2008) and can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ihhs1EryPag...feature=related with thanks to Otaliafan for the clips.
FANDOM: Guiding Light
PAIRING: Otalia
SUMMARY: Set mid-friendship, this will contain elements of hurt/comfort as I'm a hurt/comfort junkie. Olivia, Natalia and Emma have returned from their few days away and follows canon around the 'Decker days'...hopefully more interesting than the summary suggests. Please request before archiving.
RATING: PG for now
AUTHOR's NOTE: This is my second attempt at fanfic and I have to say I am more nervous with this one than the first, partly because I fear there could be a level of expectation to overcome. So please be gentle with me, I hope you enjoy the formula I have decided to go with this time because personally, I think the best Otalia story and in particular ‘hurt/comfort’ story was the one shown on TV. As always my thanks to my Canadian Buddy, Critic2000, who read this through and offered useful suggestions and insight, let alone put up with my endless angst and anguish as to whether this story would be worth posting, bless ‘er.
An additional thanks to those of you who have actively encouraged me to right this sequel and offered your support, it truly is an inspiration
ADDITIONAL NOTE: This does loosely follow on from my first story 'A Few Days Away' hence I have said it is a sequel but as I never fully intended to write this, it’s been an interesting experience to find a way to make it fit within the time period I wanted to cover, therefore please gloss over any inconsistencies from one story to the next. It is not essential to have read the first story, but some things may make more sense if you do.
Evening all! Or whatever time of day it is with you. So here it is, I finally got around to posting the next chapter. Thank you for your comments, as always they are very much appreciated and go a long way in keeping me posting :)
DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Guiding Light or any of the characters.
( Chapter 1 ) ( Chapter 2 ) ( Chapter 3 ) ( Chapter 4 ) ( Chapter 5 ) ( Chapter 6 ) ( Chapter 7 )
Chapter 8
Natalia froze.
Olivia’s sudden awakening left her uncertain what to do next. Deciding to wait and let Olivia take the lead, she watched as Olivia’s eyes cast about the room, searching for something but never once meeting her own.
After mere seconds, which dragged on for an eternity, Olivia regained control of her breathing and pulled her arms free of Natalia’s grip. While Natalia tried to make sense of what was happening she watched Olivia turn to reach for her water and noted her unsuccessful attempt to conceal her tremors after a shaking hand brushed through her hair.
She had seen this before but before, Olivia hadn’t shut down as she was doing now, she hadn’t turned away from her and refused to meet her eye. If Natalia didn’t know any better, she would say Olivia was embarrassed. She could understand that, she wouldn’t like it if somebody witnessed her in such a vulnerable state but it wasn’t like this was new for either of them. So what was it this time that had changed?
Was it being back in Springfield?
Natalia wasn’t sure because annoyingly, they hadn’t really had the opportunity to really chat but Olivia was an outspoken woman and truthfully, Natalia didn’t think location would mean that much to her.
No, there had to be something about the nature of the dream itself.
“Want to tell me about it?” She had to try, they were friends right? Friends tell each other things. Olivia gave a swift shake of her head, her eyes tightening slightly at the movement. Just not this it seemed.
Maybe she just needed a prod, an opening, or possibly a reminder she had trusted in Natalia once, “Was it like before?”
A plethora of emotions crossed Olivia’s face; Natalia desperately trying to read each one.
“What are you still doing here?” Olivia asked.
“I…?”
“What? Had nothing better to do?”
Natalia had confronted this beast before, “Apparently somebody needed my help.”
“And you did, job done.”
She wanted to say something, attempted to but once again Olivia was expertly pushing her away, “You can go now.”
Could she? Is this really what Olivia wanted?
“I don’t want you here!”
Her unspoken question answered Natalia still didn’t believe it but she could see Olivia had made up her mind and was tenuously holding on, precariously so; it almost made her want to stay in challenge.
When Olivia finally demanded, “Go!” Natalia knew there would be no reasoning with her and frankly, it was almost two in the morning, she was tired, she had done what she could and been given ‘permission’ to leave. It hurt, a lot and the sympathetic side of her knew eventually Olivia would feel bad and she felt bad for her but for some reason, this cycle just kept repeating.
Somehow on the roster she was always scheduled to clean the floor with Olivia’s suite on it. She had wondered at first if it was Maria’s idea of a joke to continually put her where she would have contact with the woman who had borrowed her husband and then taken his heart but then she reasoned a lot of the other housekeepers were afraid of the Beacon owner and Maria had worked out Natalia could hold her own, generally came out of any dealings unscathed and was desperate enough for money she would keep coming back.
Making her way around the floor Natalia approached Olivia’s room as the last one to be cleaned. She hadn’t seen Olivia since the previous day when Olivia had finally been released from Cedars and she found her clutching her ice bucket, collapsed outside this very room.
She had been unwilling to leave her there despite the ungrateful attitude; an attitude that failed to improve when Natalia managed to steady the teetering woman, resettled her on the bed and then refused to leave until she knew she wouldn’t pass out again.
While she stayed with her for a bit Mel had tracked her down to discuss Gus’ will and Olivia perplexed her again, surprising her by offering to buy the house he had willed to her and claimed it was a form of payment for the heart that saved her life. Taken aback she had asked, “You would do that? For me? For Rafe?”
There had been a drawn out silence in which Mel excused herself and Natalia continued to study the supine woman staring at the ceiling. She hadn’t known what to say until Olivia clarified, “I'm not buying the house for you. I'm buying it for me. I need some place to recover. Some place quiet. And that was the last thing that Gus bought, and I want it. I want to live in it.”
She should have known, “Of course. You would kick me and Rafe out of our home?”
“It was never really yours, was it?”
She was so hurt she really wished she had left her on the floor but later, while sharing a meal with Rafe at Company she had some time to think it over and she realized Olivia was really having a hard time with everything that was going on and she had to be hurting too.
So it was Natalia stood outside Olivia’s suite again, ready to do battle but hoping the woman wasn’t there so she could just clean the room and move on.
She knocked tentatively on the door.
No answer.
She knocked firmer this time and when no call came to advise ‘don’t come in’, she entered her master key card into the lock and opened the door.
The room was dark apart from the light showing from the bathroom, the bedclothes heaped in a messy pile in the centre of the bed. Switching the nearside lamp on low, Natalia walked around the bed to take in the full extent of what needed to be cleaned, starting with changing the towels.
As she rounded the corner of the bed she stopped, lying on the floor, face down with her head on a cushion and a sheet partially draped over her was Olivia. Unsure whether she had fallen or twisted herself in an effort to find a comfortable way to lie, Natalia knelt down beside her and hesitantly placed a hand upon her back.
Relieved she was at least breathing she noticed the sweaty sheen to her skin, “Olivia, are you alright?” The woman had only been released yesterday, maybe it was too soon.
A soft response of, “Unfortunately,” and Olivia’s eyelids slowly separated to show despondent eyes.
Unfortunately? Had she heard right? “What are you doing? Lying there? Do you need help getting up?”
Olivia heaved out a resigned sigh and attempted to push herself up, Natalia supporting her as her weak limbs threatened to drop her to the floor again. Together, Olivia achieved a sitting position on the bed and Natalia turned to switch the other light on.
“It's a mess in here.” Olivia looked around to see what Natalia was talking about as Natalia continued, “What kind of nurse did they hire for you? She should be fired.”
“She was. I got rid of her two hours after she got here. I think she was drunk.”
Was Olivia serious? She just didn’t always get this woman’s sense of humour and if it wasn’t for the fact she knew Olivia had recently undergone heart surgery, the look on her face now would have convinced Natalia that it was Olivia who was drunk. She was heavy-lidded, her head lolling slightly with the effort to remain upright and her whole demeanor reeked of lethargy.
“Where is your family? Where are your daughters? Where’s Jeffrey O’Neill?” she fired at her, surely one of these people had been to see her.
Olivia turned away from her, “You're nosey, you know that?”
Natalia’s frustration grew, “I saw them at the hospital. You're a pain but they wouldn't just leave you like this.”
“And they didn’t. Ava has Emma until...” she was shaking her head clearly trying to recollect but losing the will to follow through on the thought, “…and Jeffrey is away on business.”
Natalia’s concern at Olivia’s apparent lack of interest in the whereabouts of her youngest daughter was sounding alarms, this wasn’t right, something really wasn’t right here. Olivia loved that child, she was her world. She couldn’t believe Olivia’s family would just abandon her here, like this…“Yeah, but they thought that you had a nurse.”
Making the decision for her she picked up the phone, “I'm going to call Ava.”
As she made to dial she saw the flashing numbers on the handset, “You have messages.”
“Just get out. Thanks for stopping by.”
“You need some help,” she slammed the phone back on its stand. Why hadn’t Olivia been picking up the phone?
“I need to die.”
Natalia felt chilled. She didn’t know how to respond to such an admission. How could this woman, who had been given a second chance at life, want to throw it away? How?
Feeling anger she hadn’t realized she was capable of Natalia turned from the woman on the bed and proceeded to tidy the room.
Olivia had looked at her, obviously awaiting a response but not expecting this, unsure exactly what ‘this’ was. She eventually reclined on the pillows, knees drawn up; her body too exhausted to maintain its slumped sitting posture. Taking this as a further sign of Olivia giving up Natalia stalked back to the bed and threw the heap of bed linen on the floor. Determined to make the bed and force Olivia out of it, to get her up and moving again, engaging in something other than her apparent… Natalia searched for a name for it, depression? Funk? One-woman pity party? She grabbed one of the sheets from the pile and whip cracked it in the air several times until it billowed and fell in an orderly fashion across the mattress.
“Are you deaf? Leave!”
“I can't now.” How could she? The woman had said she needed to die and there was something about the way she said it that lead Natalia to believe this wasn’t just an expression of how much pain she was in, a joking ‘please end it now’.
“I have a plan and I'm sticking to it.” Olivia grabbed at the sheet, petulantly trying to undo what Natalia was doing, “I want to die.”
Hearing the intent fuelled Natalia’s determination, “Yeah well, not on my shift.”
“I'll fire you!”
Natalia threw the bedcover down in disgust, “You are a whiny, little, bratty baby having a tantrum. You're worse…” she stalked around the bed, her words aimed directly at this suddenly animated individual who only moments before could barely pick herself off the ground, and angrily accused, “You're the most disgustingly selfish person I know.”
Determined to finish her task, she grabbed a nearby pillow and vented her anger by plumping it.
“Then you won't miss me when I'm gone.”
They both reached for the next pillow at the same time with Olivia’s fury reigning as she grabbed it and threw it across the room, “Now, leave!”
Back then she didn’t leave, too concerned about Olivia’s ‘plan’, to allow Olivia to do something which went against everything she believed in and it was only later she realized how much she genuinely cared.
Now, Natalia stood on the other side of Olivia’s suite door, caught in indecision when she thought she heard crying but she had her instructions and this was one time when she knew it was best to let sleeping dogs lie.
She turned, reversed her earlier journey down the corridor and headed home to sleep until she was needed again.
***
Olivia had no idea what time she finally managed to fall asleep last night. She awoke to the familiar blare of her alarm clock, hit snooze and lay there trying to eradicate the image of the hurt look on Natalia’s face as she shouted at her to leave… no I can’t think about that right now, she wiped her hand over her face and rubbed her eyes, appalled at the fresh wetness she found there; she had some time to get herself together, she needed it.
Her head was woolly but mercifully absent of the incessant pain she experienced last night. It was on par with a hangover, something she understood and could tolerate, even with the incredible dry mouth sticking her tongue to its roof to then release and probe around furry teeth.
Though she had either slept or passed out after her previous rude awakening, the dream had thankfully not returned, only flashes now, images that danced across her peripheral vision to taunt her.
She shivered.
Wanting to rid herself of the grungy morning after feeling she groaned as she stood up from the bed and prepared to take a shower.
Under the restorative jets of water, Olivia reclaimed her humanity. It was a process which took all of twenty minutes but was worth every one. She had thought about nothing the entire time, only how good it felt to be clean again. Toweling herself down she regarded her reflection, pulling at the skin around her face.
Not bad, keeping the bags under my eyes at bay. Need to watch how many late nights I get dragged into though. She pulled at the skin around her forehead relieved, for all the difficulties and traumas of her life, at its smoothness. Isn’t the face supposed to be the index of the mind?
Finding nothing too disconcerting she moved on to view her scars. I guess here is where my story is really told eh? She ran a finger down the faint scar bisecting her in half, its length running from at least an inch over her cleavage down to almost her bellybutton. Her eyes tracked to the recent scar along her right shoulder, the scabs gone to leave tender pink, puckered skin.
She poked at the bruised flesh on her side; it no longer physically pained her despite the dirty shades of green and yellow, only caused her to relive in fragmented pictures how she came by them and what she almost lost.
Closing her eyes briefly and shaking her head to dispel her line of thinking she took a cleansing breath.
She had a full schedule again today and there was that incident report to look into; Emma was going to be back this afternoon and she wanted to spend some time with her, perhaps if she rescheduled her two o’clock to twelve and then put her twelve on hold until tomorrow… it wasn’t urgent. Her mind flooded with a busy to-do list and it was only as she was putting the finishing touches to her ensemble she allowed herself to think about the one thing she had deliberately not thought about until now… Natalia.
***
Natalia had slept heavily but awoke with renewed conviction and purpose. Knowing there was little point in dwelling on the day, she threw back the covers to face it. She had several errands she needed to run and she had been waiting on some call backs after spending time yesterday making enquiries and trying to reorganize various events scheduled at the Beacon. She also wanted to see Buzz about some further shifts at Company, she had enjoyed helping him last night and as his business was obviously doing well at the moment thought maybe they could help each other out.
Now if she could just help out Olivia. She sighed, still trying to make sense of everything that happened. She knew Olivia was pushing herself, predicted on the basis of a fairly safe track record she would need to help pick up the pieces but last night… Last night she had felt wholly inadequate. Olivia was hurting, more she seemed terrified and it pained Natalia she had no idea why.
When they were at the cabin Natalia had congratulated herself on getting past a lot of Olivia’s defenses; demonstrating patience and unending, unwavering care she had proven time and again she could be trusted and on their last evening Olivia had let her in just enough, she thought, to quiet the nightmares.
So what was last night?
Sure, Olivia was capable of lashing out, she had been on the receiving end enough times but when she really thought about it, it was only when Olivia felt threatened. It kept coming around to the same question, what was it about the nightmare last night that had threatened and upset Olivia so much?
She itched with wanting to know.
Everything up until that point had gone either as planned or at least in some small way, expected. Was it better she had stayed to witness the nightmare? She could have left after Olivia fell asleep. So the other question she kept asking herself was why did I stay and then leave so easily?
Had she given up? Would Olivia think that? Had it been Olivia’s crying she heard and if yes, what was it that caused her to cry? The pain of her headache, the fear of her nightmare or the fact she had left?
She snorted, finding it hard to believe it was the latter but answers never came easy in relation to Olivia; all she knew was yesterday was a very long day. Natalia had done everything she could to aid the difficult woman, had helped maintain the pretense for Decker’s benefit and offered comfort where she could; where she was allowed.
Beyond that, Natalia would employ her unending patience until Olivia opened up again, she could wait.
She thought about Olivia’s morning and wondered if she had remembered to leave some water nearby for when she woke up knowing she was going to be dehydrated. Worse, she was going to feel awful about how she had spoken to her last night.
Her last thought as she gathered up her things to head to Company was how Olivia had another full schedule today but she felt confident she would call when she was needed, she always did.
***
Her day had been fulfilling, truthfully Olivia enjoyed being the owner of the Beacon hotel and naturally she preened in the shower of attention both that and her new role with Galaxy afforded her. But right now she was tired.
She had managed to reschedule her two o’clock allowing her to return to her room shortly before half past, she wanted to be there for when Emma came home. Entering her suite she swayed slightly, her vision graying. Cautiously crossing the room she settled herself on the chair, propped her legs on the table and closed her eyes, thinking a quick nap and Emma would be none the wiser about how crappy her mother actually felt.
She resisted calling Natalia. A part of her had dreaded all day how she was going to apologize for her behavior last night but on the other hand, yes, the woman had helped her out of yet another predicament but that didn’t give her the keys to the inner workings of her mind. Some things were private. Some things she couldn’t share… even when a large part of her was crying out she could trust her.
She idly wondered if that was Gus.
Sometimes she really believed he was telling her things, his heart in her chest.
Bunkum, she recalled only too easily how willing she had been to believe, the research and reading she did, the risk she put herself in and the unlikely yet consistent port in the storm she found while looking for something else, some sense of purpose and meaning.
Rick had paid her a visit, a house call. Someone had grassed her up that she was having dizzy spells and it didn’t take a genius to work out it was Remy, he was obviously still mad at her for not letting him see Ava.
Rick had lectured her about the perils of not having regular checkups and Olivia was struggling to make him understand she had something better than medicine, she had faith. He had laughed at her, threatened to call Reverend Josh and she told him, “Okay, this isn't a church thing.’ He looked unconvinced. “No, it's not. Finding Ava, losing Gus, almost dying, getting his heart… these can't all just be random acts, okay? It has to have some meaning.”
He couldn’t grasp her belief someone was watching over her. He was a doctor confronting a patient who was not following the rules and putting herself in harm’s way in the process. Rick understood faith but according to Rick, this was not about faith; this was about Alan Spaulding and his visions.
It was the way Rick suggested Alan’s visions may not be real and have some other underlying root at its cause that put the first seeds of doubt in her mind. She knew she was being ridiculous but she really wanted to believe.
After talking to Rick she was so confused she had to go for a walk. She had gone to the gazebo in the ‘Olivia Spencer’ memorial park to ‘talk’ to Gus; unsurprisingly he didn’t answer. Having wandered aimlessly for a bit she found herself at Gus’ house and sat on the picnic bench outside enjoying the peacefulness of the beautiful summer’s day.
She had been there for nearly twenty minutes when she saw Natalia striding toward her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I don't know. I find it comforting, in a weird way.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Olivia watched as the younger woman dropped her bag on the table and moved to sit beside her. It was then she noticed the hound dog look on her face, her eyes heavy with… was that guilt?
“You look like hell.” Whether it was Gus or her own sense of compassion, Olivia was compelled to ask, “Is it Rafe? What happened? Is he okay?”
Natalia was looking everywhere but at her and as if she was about to cry. Something was definitely wrong.
She finally shrugged, “I don't know.” Making eye contact Natalia continued and confessed, “He was being really careless. He was running around town and sneaking off to see Daisy, and I really thought I was doing the right thing.”
“What did you do?”
“I called Mallet. I wanted him to bring Rafe in.” Olivia was impressed and could feel her eyebrows rising at the audacity and strength of the woman before her. Turning in her own child? Olivia wasn’t sure she could do that.
“Rafe figured it out and he ran,” Natalia continued. “So now I don't know where he is and he will never trust me again, ever!”
Olivia could relate to that, “I'm the one who encouraged Ava to be with Bill. And now she's in a clinic and her baby is dead.” Her grandchild; Olivia felt the familiar tightness across her chest and put her hand against it, closing her eyes as the dizziness came and went.
“What’s the matter? What's going on?”
“Nothing,” she quickly assured, “Nothing. Gus' heart is strong.” She had faith in Gus, he wouldn’t let her down, “It's me. I'm the one who messed up.”
She thought back over all that had happened with Bill and Ava, her grandchild… how Natalia had tried to do right by her son and how he was now on the run, probably hating his mother for her unselfish act. All this set in motion by the sordid workings of her mind and her desire to have Gus. Where was the meaning in that?
Natalia sat patiently beside her and she could feel the ‘why’ the other woman wanted to ask practically radiating off of her.
Olivia sighed and explained, “Believing that Alan could channel Gus, you know, that he could tell me how I'm supposed to live my life. It's just… it’s stupid.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
Olivia looked at her not really having considered the question before now.
“I know why you're here,” Natalia answered for her, “You want to feel close to Gus. That's why I'm here.”
It was all becoming too much, how many more stupid mistakes was she going to make? This calm, compassionate woman beside her whom she had taken so much from; she needed to tell her, needed to voice her fears out loud, “Don't let it get around, but I don't want to die.”
Natalia turned and moved toward her and Olivia surprised herself how eagerly she fell into the offered hug and held on.
When the hug released Natalia immediately grabbed at her wrist, “Let me see.”
“No, no, no. I didn't say I was dying.” She pulled her arm away from the attempts to check her pulse. At least Olivia hoped she was checking for her pulse and not looking for anything more sinister.
“I know but you just said…”
“I said I didn't want to. There's a big difference.”
“Did your doctor say something to you? Did he tell you…?”
“No. I haven't seen him.”
“Why haven't you seen him?” Natalia was bewildered.
“Because...” she was feeling really stupid now, “Because I have Alan and his visions. Why would I need a doctor when I have faith?”
“That is not how it works.”
Hm, you think? “I know that now.” She decided to try honesty, “Maybe I'm just afraid of what he's going to tell me, maybe he's going to tell me something bad.”
“If he tells you something bad, then you face it.”
Was it really that simple? Looking at her unexpectedly pragmatic companion she questioned, “Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Well, I mean, you had your son arrested in hopes that Alan's visions are somehow going to protect him. We both know where he's going to end up.”
“Do you think I want my son to go to prison?” Natalia was upset.
Why was it she could never say the right thing? Especially around Natalia, “No! No! No, don't listen to me. I'm toxic.” Pinching the bridge of her nose she could feel a headache coming on; nothing was ever straightforward with this woman.
“You're not toxic.”
“Well, then why do I say the things that I do?”
“Because you're scared, just like me.”
She didn’t believe it, “You, scared?”
“I'm scared, so scared. I'm always scared. I just have my faith in Alan and in Nicky, and in helping yourself.”
“And what does that mean?”
“Call your doctor because maybe he can save you without a miracle.” Her face pulled into a hopeful smile, “And that will free one up for Rafe.”
Olivia had nothing to lose and everything to gain; pulling out her cell she put in a call.
“What did the doctor say?”
“He's going to squeeze me in, you happy?”
“Good, yes. I’ll drive you.” Natalia waved her car keys in victory and Olivia grabbed her arm, stopping her, “No, no, no. You don't trust me?”
“You shouldn't be driving if you're having chest pains.”
“You think I'm going to skip, don't you?” Olivia was caught between Natalia’s caring compassion and her ability to make her feel transparent and exposed.
“I know you,” she countered.
Did she? Well maybe she did but she was ready to take care of herself again and besides, Natalia was needed elsewhere, “You're staying. I'm going. You're going to take care of Rafe.”
Natalia opened her mouth to speak but Olivia cut her off and grinned in a knowing smile, “If you know me so well, you won't argue.”
And Natalia hadn’t, much like she hadn’t argued last night.
Olivia felt her eyes begin to close, just for a few minutes…
To be continued
Flashback scene #1 taken from episode Apr 14th & 17th 2008 and can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7wXITfp6FU and here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAremjk-hT0 with thanks to OtaliaHD and willowtarafan1 for the clips.
Flashback scene #2 taken from episode Aug 22nd 2008 (small bit from Aug 25th 2008) and can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ihhs1EryPag...feature=related with thanks to Otaliafan for the clips.