Dear Myself - Chapter 16
Title: Dear Myself
Author: neko-fish
Pairings: Akame, Ryopi
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kazuya and Jin's relationship has been going downhill when help comes in the strangest way
Prologue// Chapter 1// Chapter 2// Chapter 3// Chapter 4// Chapter 5// Chapter 6// Chapter 7// Chapter 8// Chapter 9// Chapter 10// Chapter 11// Chapter 12// Chapter 13// Chapter 14// Chapter 15
Chapter 16:
“…Kamenashi?”
Kame froze, wondering if the other was playing a cruel trick on him.
“I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
Liar.
Their eyes met, a genuinely confused pair and a horrified pair. Jin frowned, “…is there something on my face? Damn, my head hurts…”
The younger of the two swallowed hard, “y-yea…I’m not surprised, hurry up and get up, I have to get you to the doctor’s.”
Jin shot him a strange look almost as though asking him ‘why am I here?’, “What? Why? What happened?”
Not wanting to elaborate, he shrugged, slowly rebuilding the facade he had thrown out about a month ago, “the doctor can tell you better than I can.”
-------------------------
After dropping the elder off at the doctor’s, the truth began to sink in. The Jin he had just spent a month with was gone. Instead, he had returned to the Jin that had fallen out of love with him and vice versa.
Did I really fall out of love with him in the first place…?
He shivered at the thought of not being held through cold nights.
“I’ve been selfish. So selfish…”
“Stupid selfish idiot…” he muttered as he drove down the street towards the studio.
What am I supposed to do now, Jin? I’m still in love with you.
-------------------------
During break time, Kame left the practice room without a word, earning him several worried glances from his band mates. His devastated expression hadn't gone unnoticed by them.
Jin still hadn’t returned from the doctor’s, leaving him the perfect opportunity to consult his friends without being interrupted. When he entered NEWS’ room, he heard coughing.
Inside the room sat Yamapi and Ryo with masks over their noses and mouths, and cooling pads on their foreheads, both looking thoroughly tired. He blinked, Yamapi looked over and explained, voice slightly muffled by his mask, “we’re sick.”
He gave a silent nod, his expression must’ve given everything away since the eldest of the three frowned through his mask, “he’s back to normal?”
Kame gave another nod, the other two exchanged unreadable glances. He sighed, fighting back the urge to burst into tears, “…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now…”
Sensing that it would be a good time to give the two some space to talk, Yamapi got up, hand lingering on the elder’s shoulder, “Ryo-chan, I’ll go get us something to drink.” Then he looked at the younger singer and gave a kind smile though it was hidden by the mask, “Don’t worry Kame, things will work out, just watch.”
He managed to return a weak smile as the other left the room before turning back to the yellow ranger who was looking around for something before cursing and slumping in his chair, “…Ryo-chan, is it hopeless? Did that month mean nothing at all?”
Was I just wasting my time trying to delay the impossible?
The other watched him before muttering, “damn, I didn’t bring it,” he gave a sigh which then irritated his nose as he gave a sniffle, “I’ve got something to give you…I’ll drop by tomorrow morning. You can decide for yourself then.”
-------------------------
When they got back, they went their separate ways to their separate activities. At least he isn’t going out on the first night…he thought sullenly to himself as he watched the other pace about, looking for things that appeared out of place. Surely he was repacking and getting ready to leave again as soon as possible. They exchanged glances a couple times only to have the elder look away indifferently.
Kame felt a little piece of his heart break.
That night, he slept on the couch and gave the elder the bed. No words were exchanged between them, no questions, and no answers.
Kame curled up underneath the blanket and sighed, he was torn between the urge to confide in someone and the urge to just be left alone. When he thought back to the twenty-eight days, he couldn’t help but shudder at the lost of warmth around him.
He snorted at the thought of crying, after all, he remained indifferent the last time, why should this time be any different?
If I dealt with it once before, I can deal with it again…
I think…
-------------------------
The next morning, he woke up extra early since he didn’t know when Ryo would be dropping by. He knew that if he didn’t open the door right away, someone was going to get pummeled vocally.
So he sat in the kitchen with a cup of freshly brewed coffee in his hands. Jin was still asleep, which wasn’t surprising in the least. Suddenly there was a soft knock on the door.
Kame got up and immediately went to open the door, “ohayo…are you alright?”
Ryo gave a soft nod, mask still on his face, clearly not completely awake yet. He walked into the apartment as the other invited him in. Giving something between a yawn and a cough, he plopped onto a chair and watched the other tiredly. “How are you holding up?”
The younger man raised a brow, “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You look like you’re dying.”
“You don’t look any better.”
He nodded sullenly, “I suppose that’s true…I wondering just now, what if I never joined Johnny’s and became a baseball player?”
The Osaka man shrugged, “I wonder stuff like that all the time, like if I never joined Johnny’s, would I still be into girls?” The younger man gave a soft laugh at that, “why’d you suddenly start wondering? Are you regretting it?”
Kame shook his head, “I don’t regret it, it’s just a ‘what if’…”
The elder nodded and looked around, “don’t let it get to your head…I can hear Jin snoring…”
“Yea, he’s still asleep, Ryo-chan…what am I supposed to do now?”
The other paused, “I think that…that would depend on what you want the most right now…”
He paused, a million answers whirled in through his head, there were so many things he wanted, all of them tied to Jin somehow. Love, warmth, happiness, security, amusement, anything, everything he had to offer.
“…right now…what I want the most is the truth I guess.”
The singer gave a wistful look, “The truth will set you free, hm?”
“Yea…”
Maybe if I know the truth, I’ll be able to figure out what to do…maybe I’ll be able to get over him…
Ryo glanced at his watch and got up, “well, I promised that I’d do Jin a favor and I promised you that I’d give you something, so here.” He placed a letter on the table and looked at him kindly, “maybe this will help clear some things up for you, or so I’m hoping. Sorry I can't be of any more help than this.”
He picked up the envelope and examined it, there was a tight clenching sensation in his chest. The envelope had been littered by poorly done drawings (even though his were still worse) of all sorts and it simply stated:
“The prettiest envelope for the prettiest boy”
The elder frowned at his expression, “…do you want me to stay with you?”
Kame shook his head and took a deep breath, “no, it’s fine, I’ll be fine. You’re going to be late.”
He gave a hesitant nod before heading for the door, “hey, just call if you need anything or need someone to listen, my phone will be on.”
The singer dipped his head appreciatively, “Thank you Ryo-chan, I don't know what I'd do without you…”
The other looked away, embarassed, “Don't say stupid things like that, I'll see you later.”
After he heard the door close, he sat down and carefully opened the envelope. When he dumped the contents onto the table he was surprised at the number of pages of paper that fell out of the envelope.
Did he write an essay?
Picking up the stack, he read each page carefully, one by one, word by word, the random assortment of Japanese and English words.
He didn’t notice the tears rolling down his cheeks until there was a little splash on the paper as half the tear continued to roll off while the other half was absorbed into the paper. He figured they’d stop, but the tears just kept coming as he continued reading.
When he finally finished, he used his sleeves to temporarily dry his eyes. Kame folded up the stack of paper and stuffed them back into the envelope which was then placed in his pocket. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and quickly scribbled a message on it before leaving the apartment.
I can’t take this anymore.
-------------------------
Awhile later, Jin awoke due to the blaring music coming from the alarm and the fact that no one turned it off. Kicking the covers off, he got up and stretched. The apartment was strangely quiet as he opened the bedroom door and looked around. “…Kamenashi?”
He received no reply so he stepped out of his room and walked around, the cool morning breeze making him shiver. His brows furled as he continued looking around the apartment.
It was empty.
There was half a cup of still fresh coffee on the table and a note. He picked up the note and read it.
Won’t be going to practice, tell the others.
-------------------------
Dear Kame,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you when you’re being selfish, I love you when you’re being childish, I love you when you’re being considerate. I love you when you’re in a bad mood, I love you when you’re in a good mood. I love you even when you’re just being bored. I guess that means that I love every single part of you.
I love you.
If I could, I’d fill this whole page up with nothing but those words.
But I can’t. So I’ll carry on, I know you don't like sappiness but bear with me. I'm just writing down all my thoughts down and hoping that they'll make sense.
Ne Kame, this past month, to me, has been nothing but heaven. You have no idea how happy I was when you returned my feelings for you. I was so selfish, knowing that I wouldn’t be around for long, I imposed my feelings on you…and even though you knew I was only going to be around for so long, you still said yes to me.
That day, I thought I was dreaming. I always thought that it was only in songs but when you told me, I actually felt like I could fly.
To me, there’s no one in the world that can compare to you.
All that time spent with you, I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Even night time became more bearable, night time when those bits of memories returned in the form of nightmares and dreams. I’ve tried so many times to convince myself that they're nothing but figments of my imagination, but apparently I’m not very persuasive.
It’s terrifying, not knowing when you might disappear.
In some ways, I suppose it’s kind of like dying. I know that I’m going to forget this month no matter what I do, but that’s alright. So long as one of us (you) still remembers it, I think I can leave with no regrets. If there’s anything I might end up regretting, it’ll be because I never got to kiss you goodbye.
There’s a calendar that I’ve been drawing on at the bottom of the drawer of my desk. It’s for you. Incase you ever want to look back and remember this past month. Everyday that’s passed has been precious to me, I’m going to treasure these memories so long as I still have them.
I don’t know if I’ll still be here tomorrow or the next day. The things I remember aren’t all that pleasant and I don’t understand it at all, I suppose it’s because I don’t remember the reasoning behind it. Or maybe I do and I just haven’t thought about it enough yet, but thinking isn’t my favorite thing to do as you know. You’d probably rather hear about it from the ‘me’ when I recover than the ‘me’ who doesn’t know all the facts…
I found more paper.
The more pleasant things I that remembered were things like the smiles you shared with ‘me’ before everything happened. I remember coming home late and finding you on the couch, having to pick you up and tucking you in bed, kissing you goodnight. When I remember those things, I find myself waking up with a smile.
And of course there were the nightmares, waking up to your indifferent face…no, not indifferent. It was more like a mask you use to hide your loneliness; I don’t think you realized how lonely you were.
But I’ve seen it too, when I first woke up, you were staring at my phone. Then you looked at me with such lonely eyes, I wanted to do nothing more than hold you tightly.
Because Kame has a heart of glass and though he denies it, is afraid of being alone.
You’re an amazing actor Kame, sometimes I couldn’t tell whether you were acting or not. I couldn’t tell whether or not you were hiding your loneliness and worries from me underneath your smile.
Ne, if you ever feel the need to cry, please, just cry. Surely there’ll be a smile waiting for you. If it’s not from me, then it’ll be from the people around you, the people who truly care about you as much as I do.
Sorry, whenever I think of you, a million songs float through my head. That’s the kind of effect you have on me. My heart flutters and my brain disappears without leaving a message, I can’t help but smile when I think of you.
After all, Kamenashi Kazuya is Akanishi Jin’s number one.
I'm being selfish again, I don't want you to forget me but I don't want you to linger on thoughts of me either. I'm sorry for putting you through this.
When all this is over and you find out the truth from the other ‘me’, I hope you make the right decision. If he doesn't truly treasure you, I hope that you'll move on. You deserve so much more, I can't stand the thought of you being hurt. I suppose that’s your decision to make, but Kame, sometimes you’re just as big of an idiot as me.
Having you to hold close to me as I sleep is more than I could’ve ever hoped for.
I love you, I really do.
And since I’m pretty sure I won’t get to say goodbye properly, this is my goodbye letter to you. When I’m gone, please remember…that somewhere inside Akanishi Jin, I’m there and that I’ll continue to love you with everything I have.
And who knows? Perhaps one day I’ll be back…and when I am, let’s go to Okinawa together to watch the sunset. Until then, goodbye Kame.
For loving me this past month,
Thank you.
Loving you,
Akanishi Jin
PS: I found a stack of paper so I’m going to write ‘I love you’ until my hand gets cramped.
----------------------
A/N: Two chapters left! Okay, better go back to studying! Thanks for commenting! Enjoy!
Author: neko-fish
Pairings: Akame, Ryopi
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kazuya and Jin's relationship has been going downhill when help comes in the strangest way
Prologue// Chapter 1// Chapter 2// Chapter 3// Chapter 4// Chapter 5// Chapter 6// Chapter 7// Chapter 8// Chapter 9// Chapter 10// Chapter 11// Chapter 12// Chapter 13// Chapter 14// Chapter 15
Chapter 16:
“…Kamenashi?”
Kame froze, wondering if the other was playing a cruel trick on him.
“I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
Liar.
Their eyes met, a genuinely confused pair and a horrified pair. Jin frowned, “…is there something on my face? Damn, my head hurts…”
The younger of the two swallowed hard, “y-yea…I’m not surprised, hurry up and get up, I have to get you to the doctor’s.”
Jin shot him a strange look almost as though asking him ‘why am I here?’, “What? Why? What happened?”
Not wanting to elaborate, he shrugged, slowly rebuilding the facade he had thrown out about a month ago, “the doctor can tell you better than I can.”
-------------------------
After dropping the elder off at the doctor’s, the truth began to sink in. The Jin he had just spent a month with was gone. Instead, he had returned to the Jin that had fallen out of love with him and vice versa.
Did I really fall out of love with him in the first place…?
He shivered at the thought of not being held through cold nights.
“I’ve been selfish. So selfish…”
“Stupid selfish idiot…” he muttered as he drove down the street towards the studio.
What am I supposed to do now, Jin? I’m still in love with you.
-------------------------
During break time, Kame left the practice room without a word, earning him several worried glances from his band mates. His devastated expression hadn't gone unnoticed by them.
Jin still hadn’t returned from the doctor’s, leaving him the perfect opportunity to consult his friends without being interrupted. When he entered NEWS’ room, he heard coughing.
Inside the room sat Yamapi and Ryo with masks over their noses and mouths, and cooling pads on their foreheads, both looking thoroughly tired. He blinked, Yamapi looked over and explained, voice slightly muffled by his mask, “we’re sick.”
He gave a silent nod, his expression must’ve given everything away since the eldest of the three frowned through his mask, “he’s back to normal?”
Kame gave another nod, the other two exchanged unreadable glances. He sighed, fighting back the urge to burst into tears, “…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now…”
Sensing that it would be a good time to give the two some space to talk, Yamapi got up, hand lingering on the elder’s shoulder, “Ryo-chan, I’ll go get us something to drink.” Then he looked at the younger singer and gave a kind smile though it was hidden by the mask, “Don’t worry Kame, things will work out, just watch.”
He managed to return a weak smile as the other left the room before turning back to the yellow ranger who was looking around for something before cursing and slumping in his chair, “…Ryo-chan, is it hopeless? Did that month mean nothing at all?”
Was I just wasting my time trying to delay the impossible?
The other watched him before muttering, “damn, I didn’t bring it,” he gave a sigh which then irritated his nose as he gave a sniffle, “I’ve got something to give you…I’ll drop by tomorrow morning. You can decide for yourself then.”
-------------------------
When they got back, they went their separate ways to their separate activities. At least he isn’t going out on the first night…he thought sullenly to himself as he watched the other pace about, looking for things that appeared out of place. Surely he was repacking and getting ready to leave again as soon as possible. They exchanged glances a couple times only to have the elder look away indifferently.
Kame felt a little piece of his heart break.
That night, he slept on the couch and gave the elder the bed. No words were exchanged between them, no questions, and no answers.
Kame curled up underneath the blanket and sighed, he was torn between the urge to confide in someone and the urge to just be left alone. When he thought back to the twenty-eight days, he couldn’t help but shudder at the lost of warmth around him.
He snorted at the thought of crying, after all, he remained indifferent the last time, why should this time be any different?
If I dealt with it once before, I can deal with it again…
I think…
-------------------------
The next morning, he woke up extra early since he didn’t know when Ryo would be dropping by. He knew that if he didn’t open the door right away, someone was going to get pummeled vocally.
So he sat in the kitchen with a cup of freshly brewed coffee in his hands. Jin was still asleep, which wasn’t surprising in the least. Suddenly there was a soft knock on the door.
Kame got up and immediately went to open the door, “ohayo…are you alright?”
Ryo gave a soft nod, mask still on his face, clearly not completely awake yet. He walked into the apartment as the other invited him in. Giving something between a yawn and a cough, he plopped onto a chair and watched the other tiredly. “How are you holding up?”
The younger man raised a brow, “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You look like you’re dying.”
“You don’t look any better.”
He nodded sullenly, “I suppose that’s true…I wondering just now, what if I never joined Johnny’s and became a baseball player?”
The Osaka man shrugged, “I wonder stuff like that all the time, like if I never joined Johnny’s, would I still be into girls?” The younger man gave a soft laugh at that, “why’d you suddenly start wondering? Are you regretting it?”
Kame shook his head, “I don’t regret it, it’s just a ‘what if’…”
The elder nodded and looked around, “don’t let it get to your head…I can hear Jin snoring…”
“Yea, he’s still asleep, Ryo-chan…what am I supposed to do now?”
The other paused, “I think that…that would depend on what you want the most right now…”
He paused, a million answers whirled in through his head, there were so many things he wanted, all of them tied to Jin somehow. Love, warmth, happiness, security, amusement, anything, everything he had to offer.
“…right now…what I want the most is the truth I guess.”
The singer gave a wistful look, “The truth will set you free, hm?”
“Yea…”
Maybe if I know the truth, I’ll be able to figure out what to do…maybe I’ll be able to get over him…
Ryo glanced at his watch and got up, “well, I promised that I’d do Jin a favor and I promised you that I’d give you something, so here.” He placed a letter on the table and looked at him kindly, “maybe this will help clear some things up for you, or so I’m hoping. Sorry I can't be of any more help than this.”
He picked up the envelope and examined it, there was a tight clenching sensation in his chest. The envelope had been littered by poorly done drawings (even though his were still worse) of all sorts and it simply stated:
“The prettiest envelope for the prettiest boy”
The elder frowned at his expression, “…do you want me to stay with you?”
Kame shook his head and took a deep breath, “no, it’s fine, I’ll be fine. You’re going to be late.”
He gave a hesitant nod before heading for the door, “hey, just call if you need anything or need someone to listen, my phone will be on.”
The singer dipped his head appreciatively, “Thank you Ryo-chan, I don't know what I'd do without you…”
The other looked away, embarassed, “Don't say stupid things like that, I'll see you later.”
After he heard the door close, he sat down and carefully opened the envelope. When he dumped the contents onto the table he was surprised at the number of pages of paper that fell out of the envelope.
Did he write an essay?
Picking up the stack, he read each page carefully, one by one, word by word, the random assortment of Japanese and English words.
He didn’t notice the tears rolling down his cheeks until there was a little splash on the paper as half the tear continued to roll off while the other half was absorbed into the paper. He figured they’d stop, but the tears just kept coming as he continued reading.
When he finally finished, he used his sleeves to temporarily dry his eyes. Kame folded up the stack of paper and stuffed them back into the envelope which was then placed in his pocket. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and quickly scribbled a message on it before leaving the apartment.
I can’t take this anymore.
-------------------------
Awhile later, Jin awoke due to the blaring music coming from the alarm and the fact that no one turned it off. Kicking the covers off, he got up and stretched. The apartment was strangely quiet as he opened the bedroom door and looked around. “…Kamenashi?”
He received no reply so he stepped out of his room and walked around, the cool morning breeze making him shiver. His brows furled as he continued looking around the apartment.
It was empty.
There was half a cup of still fresh coffee on the table and a note. He picked up the note and read it.
Won’t be going to practice, tell the others.
-------------------------
Dear Kame,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you when you’re being selfish, I love you when you’re being childish, I love you when you’re being considerate. I love you when you’re in a bad mood, I love you when you’re in a good mood. I love you even when you’re just being bored. I guess that means that I love every single part of you.
I love you.
If I could, I’d fill this whole page up with nothing but those words.
But I can’t. So I’ll carry on, I know you don't like sappiness but bear with me. I'm just writing down all my thoughts down and hoping that they'll make sense.
Ne Kame, this past month, to me, has been nothing but heaven. You have no idea how happy I was when you returned my feelings for you. I was so selfish, knowing that I wouldn’t be around for long, I imposed my feelings on you…and even though you knew I was only going to be around for so long, you still said yes to me.
That day, I thought I was dreaming. I always thought that it was only in songs but when you told me, I actually felt like I could fly.
To me, there’s no one in the world that can compare to you.
All that time spent with you, I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Even night time became more bearable, night time when those bits of memories returned in the form of nightmares and dreams. I’ve tried so many times to convince myself that they're nothing but figments of my imagination, but apparently I’m not very persuasive.
It’s terrifying, not knowing when you might disappear.
In some ways, I suppose it’s kind of like dying. I know that I’m going to forget this month no matter what I do, but that’s alright. So long as one of us (you) still remembers it, I think I can leave with no regrets. If there’s anything I might end up regretting, it’ll be because I never got to kiss you goodbye.
There’s a calendar that I’ve been drawing on at the bottom of the drawer of my desk. It’s for you. Incase you ever want to look back and remember this past month. Everyday that’s passed has been precious to me, I’m going to treasure these memories so long as I still have them.
I don’t know if I’ll still be here tomorrow or the next day. The things I remember aren’t all that pleasant and I don’t understand it at all, I suppose it’s because I don’t remember the reasoning behind it. Or maybe I do and I just haven’t thought about it enough yet, but thinking isn’t my favorite thing to do as you know. You’d probably rather hear about it from the ‘me’ when I recover than the ‘me’ who doesn’t know all the facts…
I found more paper.
The more pleasant things I that remembered were things like the smiles you shared with ‘me’ before everything happened. I remember coming home late and finding you on the couch, having to pick you up and tucking you in bed, kissing you goodnight. When I remember those things, I find myself waking up with a smile.
And of course there were the nightmares, waking up to your indifferent face…no, not indifferent. It was more like a mask you use to hide your loneliness; I don’t think you realized how lonely you were.
But I’ve seen it too, when I first woke up, you were staring at my phone. Then you looked at me with such lonely eyes, I wanted to do nothing more than hold you tightly.
Because Kame has a heart of glass and though he denies it, is afraid of being alone.
You’re an amazing actor Kame, sometimes I couldn’t tell whether you were acting or not. I couldn’t tell whether or not you were hiding your loneliness and worries from me underneath your smile.
Ne, if you ever feel the need to cry, please, just cry. Surely there’ll be a smile waiting for you. If it’s not from me, then it’ll be from the people around you, the people who truly care about you as much as I do.
Sorry, whenever I think of you, a million songs float through my head. That’s the kind of effect you have on me. My heart flutters and my brain disappears without leaving a message, I can’t help but smile when I think of you.
After all, Kamenashi Kazuya is Akanishi Jin’s number one.
I'm being selfish again, I don't want you to forget me but I don't want you to linger on thoughts of me either. I'm sorry for putting you through this.
When all this is over and you find out the truth from the other ‘me’, I hope you make the right decision. If he doesn't truly treasure you, I hope that you'll move on. You deserve so much more, I can't stand the thought of you being hurt. I suppose that’s your decision to make, but Kame, sometimes you’re just as big of an idiot as me.
Having you to hold close to me as I sleep is more than I could’ve ever hoped for.
I love you, I really do.
And since I’m pretty sure I won’t get to say goodbye properly, this is my goodbye letter to you. When I’m gone, please remember…that somewhere inside Akanishi Jin, I’m there and that I’ll continue to love you with everything I have.
And who knows? Perhaps one day I’ll be back…and when I am, let’s go to Okinawa together to watch the sunset. Until then, goodbye Kame.
For loving me this past month,
Thank you.
Loving you,
Akanishi Jin
PS: I found a stack of paper so I’m going to write ‘I love you’ until my hand gets cramped.
----------------------
A/N: Two chapters left! Okay, better go back to studying! Thanks for commenting! Enjoy!