Comments | luvpumpkin: i rape myself (from my BPD post)

luvpumpkin

i rape myself (from my BPD post)

Jul 01, 2008 11:33

realization???? could THIS be how it was????
not sure which is scarier - the idea that i was broken BEFORE hand, the idea that i could have hid it from myself or the idea that my brain could have lied to me, telling me things happened physically that maybe possibly only occurred emotionally????

i have always felt like a rape victim. (and i do NOT in ( Read more... )

borderline, depersonalization, lies, halloween acid house, breakthru, abuse, rape, trauma, memories

Comments 14

dreamseer09 July 1 2008, 15:58:45 UTC

Thats an incrediable insight!!
As much as you had effectively given up fighting for yourself it does not excuse what they did to you.
At the end of the day the took advantage of you and hurt you.
You simply did what you thought would protect you the most and prorbably it did in the end!
What day did was wrong and that chap apologising proves it.

Its gonna be a long hard road to finding self worth i dono if i will ever reach it and sometimes i think i dont want to!!

Can i ask you have you had problems with promiscuity cause i know i do from time to time and i dono if its ok or not. I mean ok with me deep down ya know?

Best of luck with healing and moving on
xxx

luvpumpkin July 1 2008, 17:53:43 UTC

i have had tremendous problems with promiscuity. the only thing that saved me from it was gaining weight. i started to gain a little when i started meds but i quickly learned that the more i gained, the less of a target i would be. men would want me less (so the need to give in out of fear and auto-pilot dissociation) and i would be much less willing to disrobe (which would discourage going on a date in the first place). but before all of this gaining and hiding, i was a whore on and off for about 10 years. not just whoreing in the fucking strangers sense, but in the kissing those i didn't want to, allowing married men to call me and touch me while dancing, being actively seductive when not the least bit 'horney'. the list goes on. every time i was approached, i gave in. be it a make out session on a bar room dance floor, a number given to an unattractive man, a date with someone i knew was married but allowed myself to believe the lie that he wasn't. i slept with everyone that wanted to when i drank. i only remember some ( ... )

dreamseer09 July 1 2008, 18:34:18 UTC

Apart of me just love love LOVES to be a whore though. When a man calls me a whore a slut a bitch it turns me on!!I love it "worthless whore" is one of my favorites.I want them to call me a whore i want them to think of me as a whore.I am a whore that is all.A sexual object ( ... )

luvpumpkin July 1 2008, 19:02:15 UTC

it has. but differently. i feared (a while ago when therapy started) that if i took away the labels, the addictions, the sex, lack of or too much food, etc. i would find nothing underneath. that my fear of being a nothing would be confirmed. i wore my behaviors like proud badges back then. I am talking about almost 10 years ago. i liked the attention in highschool and college that being kinda easy gave me but also was disgusted with it, myself and the useless trash that used me. at some point in college, i stopped the on-purpose slutting and clung desperately to my boyfriend. but when i drank, i drank too much and couldn't stop... and the slut returned. seemed to me like she lived in a bottle and if i wanted to forget about real life, i could drink her in and fuck her out of me... like some sort of truly odd binge and purge cycle. but i will not lie... once the alcohol was out of my system, i felt evil and dirty and ashamed. i found myself needing the drink to even stand being in the room with myself. and when i drank, the ( ... )

Thread 6

mckee92 July 1 2008, 17:40:23 UTC

You are not trash, not in the least bit. You are a human being, human, vunerable and hurting. You are more human than the people who did that to you, who hurt you before, and afterwards.

I am filled with sorrow that anyone should have to suffer as you have, rage and indignation too. I am ashamed that a fellow, apparently civilised, human could act like that.

luvpumpkin July 1 2008, 18:11:43 UTC

thank you sooo much for that! i really really cannot express how comforting your comments are. thank you for validating my experience.

xoxo

mckee92 July 1 2008, 18:27:08 UTC

No problem, it is the least I can do. I really do hope and wish that some miracle, or something could stop anyone else from enduring pain like yours, no matter how naieve and short sighted that is. Hope you have a nice day :) (time zone difference kinda makes it hard for me to estimate your Time of day, so I'm saying day in a vague manner.)

luvpumpkin July 1 2008, 19:08:09 UTC

i'd love to work with people who have experienced the pain i have and the worse pain others have. but i found in my college studies, that i wasn't healed enough to truly help. i could not get people to certain places in their minds without having to acknowledge those places within mine as well.

for me, writing is like therapy. a sort of automatic writing like mediums use... the words show up on the screen and it is then that i learn things i have tried to hide or wasn't yet ready to see.

there is no way to stop the pain for people but i guess we can try to ease it. sharing our experiences, commenting and giving advice, helps in big ways. i hope i can help at least one person here and maybe one day, myself.

it is 3:07 pm here, by the way.

PS what does your icon mean?

Thread 8