i rape myself (from my BPD post)

[luvpumpkin]

realization???? could THIS be how it was????
not sure which is scarier - the idea that i was broken BEFORE hand, the idea that i could have hid it from myself or the idea that my brain could have lied to me, telling me things happened physically that maybe possibly only occurred emotionally????

i have always felt like a rape victim. (and i do NOT in

Comments

[mckee92]

You are not trash, not in the least bit. You are a human being, human, vunerable and hurting. You are more human than the people who did that to you, who hurt you before, and afterwards.

I am filled with sorrow that anyone should have to suffer as you have, rage and indignation too. I am ashamed that a fellow, apparently civilised, human could act like that.

[luvpumpkin]

thank you sooo much for that! i really really cannot express how comforting your comments are. thank you for validating my experience.

xoxo

[mckee92]

No problem, it is the least I can do. I really do hope and wish that some miracle, or something could stop anyone else from enduring pain like yours, no matter how naieve and short sighted that is. Hope you have a nice day :) (time zone difference kinda makes it hard for me to estimate your Time of day, so I'm saying day in a vague manner.)

[luvpumpkin]

i'd love to work with people who have experienced the pain i have and the worse pain others have. but i found in my college studies, that i wasn't healed enough to truly help. i could not get people to certain places in their minds without having to acknowledge those places within mine as well.

for me, writing is like therapy. a sort of automatic writing like mediums use... the words show up on the screen and it is then that i learn things i have tried to hide or wasn't yet ready to see.

there is no way to stop the pain for people but i guess we can try to ease it. sharing our experiences, commenting and giving advice, helps in big ways. i hope i can help at least one person here and maybe one day, myself.

it is 3:07 pm here, by the way.

PS what does your icon mean?

[mckee92]

Ah the icon is just a little something I came up with after reading a warhammer 40k book. The adeptus is just a title for an organisation, and Lupercal is a particularly awesome leader in the book, so it means followers/adepts/disciples of Lupercal (which is derived from lupine/lupus, wolf lord or something in my mind

[luvpumpkin]

see, i envy that. those who can write fiction or even memoirs... i can only write what i am feeling when i am feeling it... i go thru phases... i don't attempt to write in a certain way but i feel and see things in ways that can't be explained, but rather must instead just be expressed as is. like when i talk about a room full of acorns or the halloween acid house... prob makes sense to no one but it is how i see and feel at the time. when i try to write like a writer, i lose something. i can barely keep focused when writing short little posts... i get lost in my mind with all its words, feelings and images... i'd love to write a story but i can't seem to get one together.

good for you that you can! would love to read some!

[mckee92]

Hhm, well I'll maybe have a post up tonight, it is fantasy fiction, but I tried to avoid cliché stuff. I have a few stories on my LJ, but they are mainly fanfiction for me and my MMO buddies, so they might be indecipherable.

I actually wish I could attain your level of connection with your descriptions, you make them so real, the various rooms are vivid and interesting, otherwordly, but believable. You have a skill with words, one Im sure I would be hard pressed to match, and I think that connection is a factor.

As for writing what you feel, when you feel it, well thats what I do, I wrote a joking lighthearted section when I was happy, a climatic battle when I was in a particularly pumped up, angry mood, and then the emotional bits when I was feeling a bit upset/frustrated. I just use a different medium and analogue for my feelings.

I'd love to write a story too, a proper one. I'd kill to be published.

[luvpumpkin]

me too!!
xoxo