i rape myself (from my BPD post)

[luvpumpkin]

realization???? could THIS be how it was????
not sure which is scarier - the idea that i was broken BEFORE hand, the idea that i could have hid it from myself or the idea that my brain could have lied to me, telling me things happened physically that maybe possibly only occurred emotionally????

i have always felt like a rape victim. (and i do NOT in

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[luvpumpkin]

i have had tremendous problems with promiscuity. the only thing that saved me from it was gaining weight. i started to gain a little when i started meds but i quickly learned that the more i gained, the less of a target i would be. men would want me less (so the need to give in out of fear and auto-pilot dissociation) and i would be much less willing to disrobe (which would discourage going on a date in the first place). but before all of this gaining and hiding, i was a whore on and off for about 10 years. not just whoreing in the fucking strangers sense, but in the kissing those i didn't want to, allowing married men to call me and touch me while dancing, being actively seductive when not the least bit 'horney'. the list goes on. every time i was approached, i gave in. be it a make out session on a bar room dance floor, a number given to an unattractive man, a date with someone i knew was married but allowed myself to believe the lie that he wasn't. i slept with everyone that wanted to when i drank. i only remember some of those nights and have tried to block out some others.

to be blunt, whatever hole God made for me to enjoy and create life, someone, somewhere tore open further with their dirt and sin. then later in highschool i let three boys stretch and rip it further. and then throughout the following years, i let others break, rip, tear, stretch and bruise it open even more... now like a stetched out, used up porn star, waiting for labial reconstruction surgery, i too (tho metaphorically), wait to be sown up and made small again so maybe one day i can stop the leak of my soul down the inside of my thighs and again feel the pleasure of a place once natural and God-given.

i had to drink to get thru the torture of sex and the freaky feeling of being out of body. i then had to drink to get thru the memory of what i did without my consent. i was raped by my own hand weekly for 10 years.

whatever trauma was indured my first years of life, was made worse by my allowing it to continue; by become the dirty little bitch i was made to be. i tried to beat them at their own game; to cut myself before they stabbed me... but instead i still get to lie in a pool of my own blood, but by my hand and without the sympathy of a 'real' victim.

did i answer your question?!? LOL
but in all seriousness, yes, promiscuity was and possibly could still be a big problem for me.... i'd love to talk more about it with you... i'm here if you'd like to.

xoxo

[dreamseer09]

Apart of me just love love LOVES to be a whore though. When a man calls me a whore a slut a bitch it turns me on!!I love it "worthless whore" is one of my favorites.I want them to call me a whore i want them to think of me as a whore.I am a whore that is all.A sexual object.

As my motto goes "use and abuse me baby beat me fucking harder"
I have really gone to town with being a dirty bitch with my latest fuck buddy!!He has literally done anything he wants to me. I have let him. Right now im enjoying it but i know it will prob hit me like a ton of bricks once i stop fucking him!!!

There is nothing i wont do to sexually please a man. i WANT to be used and abused. I wanna be a dirty whore.I get a kick out being more dirty than any girl they have been with doing things no girls will do like cuming on me or whatever it is!!

I know i can fuck an fuck pretty well and i love the attention to be honest. Last weekend i got off with someone i wasnt attracted to I was horny he was there i kinda regret i didnt fuck him just cause i could!!

One thing im really scared about with recovery is will i lose my identity. If i start to love myself and respect myself as my councellor asks will I be the same person??

I like rough sex i like been bruised and beat up I ask guys to slap me across the face and call me a worthless whore!!

Im afraid if i recover i will lose apart of myself. I will become some sort of docile fucking feminist or something. Haha nothing against feminist dont get me wrong. I dont wanna be a mindless bloody prude.

Does that ever scare you that you will lose yourself and you will be left with no personality???

[luvpumpkin]

it has. but differently. i feared (a while ago when therapy started) that if i took away the labels, the addictions, the sex, lack of or too much food, etc. i would find nothing underneath. that my fear of being a nothing would be confirmed. i wore my behaviors like proud badges back then. I am talking about almost 10 years ago. i liked the attention in highschool and college that being kinda easy gave me but also was disgusted with it, myself and the useless trash that used me. at some point in college, i stopped the on-purpose slutting and clung desperately to my boyfriend. but when i drank, i drank too much and couldn't stop... and the slut returned. seemed to me like she lived in a bottle and if i wanted to forget about real life, i could drink her in and fuck her out of me... like some sort of truly odd binge and purge cycle. but i will not lie... once the alcohol was out of my system, i felt evil and dirty and ashamed. i found myself needing the drink to even stand being in the room with myself. and when i drank, the party girl emerged. i had no control - she took over me. i left my body but could not block it from my soul. i didn't want to be dirty anymore. but i didn't know how to be sober and aroused. i didn't know how to NOT dissociate even with the men i liked. so i drank to ignore the dissociation. a vicious cycle.

i wonder, and this IS presumptous on my part, if you too fear that you have no self. and that if you give up on this kind of degrading sex, you will learn that you have no idea who you are without it. you will feel naked, exposed, found out. at least that is exactly how i felt and sometimes still feel.

but i can tell you this - the more you allow yourself to be fucked and not loved, the further you will pull away from your actual self. i read an amazingly life changing yet validating book about sex addiction and women. give me a second to go find the exact title and author. i know you haven't told me you wanted to change - and i swear i am not trying to change you... i just want you to know that you as a self are NOT just sex. that you are someone underneath who truly does not want to be punished... maybe you were a victim, maybe you did something you are ashamed of... who knows... but underneath the terrible things we do to ourselves, IS ourself. and she is worth the time to get to know - even if it slowly.

i respect your honesty. i cannot express enough how much i appreciate how honest you are. even tho we are all anonymous here, it isn't easy to be THAT truthful to even ourselves. i write down things here i never could say - somethings i never even knew i HAD to say. so i know the kind of courage it takes to be real. and to me, the fact that you are being THIS real may be a sign that that some part of you wants to be healed.

but then again, i am a neurotic, co-dependent, know it all who really doesn't know as much as she'd like to! LOL

can you enjoy loving sex or just hardcore fucking?

[dreamseer09]

"if you too fear that you have no self. and that if you give up on this kind of degrading sex, you will learn that you have no idea who you are without it. you will feel naked, exposed, found out. at least that is exactly how i felt and sometimes still feel."

Your right hun i dont wanna be that. I dont wanna be bereft of who i am!

Thanks so much for that your right it is hard to be honest no matter where you are! At the moment i can be really open about sex but im finding recovery issues very difficult!

I am slowly coming to the realisation that like my ED i cannot go on like ths forever its not sustainable!!

Right now i need it i really really need it to handle this ED stuff i need some other way to self destruct. You know whats even stranger? Since i started recovery i have fully 100% launched myself into faking coinfidence brillaintly and im getting WAY more male attention than i ever did and im 6 pounds heavier that is really stumping me!!

I think your right about disassocating you from yourself! Sometimes i just wanna run away from myself so so so so much. I feel asahmed of most of everything especially my body.

There is one thing that really hurts me there was an incident with my friend a few years ago where he tried to kill himself it is a very long and complicated situation. The long and short of it is is that i KNEW he was going to do it. Its very complicated with his parents but basically it was the only way he thought they would believe he was sick and get him help. But still i did NOTHING i should have tried more ya know should have insisted he saw a counsellor told me own counsellor about the situation Oh god its just shit really i feel so BAD about it. I should have saved him and i didnt!!

I want to run away from that run away from everything run away from the fact that despite my veneer my i dont eat, i dont get hurt, i dont take shit of no-one, my parents dicorvce didnt affect me im quite weak and it SICKENS ME!!

More than anything i wanna be strong and independent and if i have to be a whore then i will show people im strong and men can use me and i wont get hurt i swear i wont not really not deep down hurt just a little pain but it wont slash me open and leave me bleeding i swear!!

I dont even know where im going with this tbh i dont know if i have a sex addiction or just like to lose myself is just a basic animal instinct. To fuck. Apart of me wants to fall deep into another addcition. Anorexia, bulima binge eating what ever it was/is it actually was my hobby what i was devoted to.....
Maybe sex can be my hobby!!

Also with the love stuff. I have only ever been in love really with one person and when we started to have sex (my first time)we really werent getting on and i was deep in the grips of mt ED it was such a horrible horrible chore for me it made my skin crawl. It was just so emotionally painful to get naked and share my hideous body with someone. There is something so freeing about a strangers cock:(
I dono recover makes you ask alot of hard questions doesnt it:)

[luvpumpkin]

that it does! probably one more reason quitting anything is hard. it's not just the thing we give up that hurts us, but the stuff we are left with too.

i just want what's best for you and i believe you will learn whatever that is in your way and in your time.
xoxo