FIC: A Lot to Live Up To (Part 10)
Title: A Lot to Live Up To, Part 10
Author: lls_mutant
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Dee and Hoshi
Pairings: Dee/Lee, Hoshi/Gaeta, and past Hoshi/Narcho.
Summary: Now that her suspicions are confirmed, Dee has a decision to make.
Spoilers: Eventually through the end, but this part just through Rapture
Author's Note: Thanks to my awesome beta trovia!
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Pain and Heaven | Part 9
"Here," Noel said, pushing the glass across the table to her. He studied his hand of cards. They'd been in the middle of one of the most boring games of Triad in history when Dee had dropped her bomb. "I'll raise two."
It was 0230 hours, and the rec room wasn't nearly as crowded as usual. Dee knew she should be asleep herself- she had duty in five and a half hours- but she just couldn't go back to the quarters she shared with Lee and face him right now. Not while her head was reeling like this.
"Hey," Louis said quietly, and Dee looked up, startled out of her own thoughts. But Louis wasn't talking to her. "How many of those have you smoked tonight?" Louis asked Felix.
"Sorry." Felix stubbed out his current cigarette, and then discarded a card. "You can always count the butts," he suggested to Louis. Louis rolled his eyes. "It's been a long day." As was evidenced by the fact that he and Dee had done serious damage on the bottle before Noel and Louis had gotten there.
"You're not the one who just got off duty," Louis was light, but he touched Felix's knee under the table. Dee watched them for a moment, and then took the drink that Noel had offered her and swallowed it down quickly. Louis raised his eyebrows at her.
"So, what are you going to do?" Felix asked, playing with a discarded cigarette butt.
"I don't know," Dee admitted. She discarded two, and drew two more, and then folded. "He wants a divorce, but he hasn't had the courtesy of telling me that. He's waiting until she's lined up and ready. And without her, he's not divorcing me, I guess. Frak knows he can't be bothered to discuss it with me." She gestured for Noel to pour her another drink, and then took a sip. "What would you do?" she asked, looking around the table.
"Apparently stand there and take it as he paraded them all through the office," Felix said bitterly, taking a drink. "What's my pride next to giving him a blow job under his desk?"
Louis moved Felix's glass out of reach. "Or you could kick the bastard out yourself," he said to Dee. "Don't wait for him to ask you for the divorce, just tell him you know and kick him out. Then you at least have your pride."
"Of course," Noel said, leaning back and swiping one of Felix's cigarettes, "neither option is that simple." He took a deep drag and immediately started coughing. "The thing is," he said through gasps for air, "not all men cheat just because their dicks feel like it."
"Oh, there's another reason?" Louis said.
"Sure, there's lots of reasons men cheat," Noel said, his eyes clashing with Louis's. "Sometimes they have greater feelings for someone else. Sometimes they feel unappreciated because their wife can't be bothered to show her how much she loves him. Sometimes they just can't admit they don't love their partner. And sometimes they feel like their partner doesn't trust them, because they can't be bothered to tell them what the frak is going through their head when they're lying in the hospital."
"Hey, wait," Felix interrupted. "This is not Dee's fault."
"Not saying it's her fault," Noel said, still not taking his eyes off Louis. "Just saying that when you shut the person who loves you more than anything in the world out of your thoughts, you're gonna have to accept that there are consequences."
"Consequences? Cheating is a consequence?" Louis demanded.
"Sometimes it is," Noel snapped.
"Guys…" Dee began, because it didn't take a genius to figure out this was no longer about her and Lee. Felix was watching them both, looking something like a cat watching a game of ping pong.
"Explain to me," Louis said angrily, "how cheating would be a consequence for Dee."
"Who took her to her first support group meeting?" Noel said. "You, right? Who's the one that saw her cry first about it? You, right? Who's the one she leaned on after? Felix, right? Who's the one that she talks to when she's drunk and wonders what they would have named it? Me, right?"
"That is not fair," Dee said. "You have no idea what it's been like watching Lee suffer through this."
"You're right. I don't. But maybe certain people should have a little more faith in their husbands that they can handle it! That frak, yeah, it hurts, but maybe some of us would have been there if you frakking let us!"
"This is not about you and me!" Louis said, his voice rising. "Don't you dare make this about us!"
"It sure as hell is about us!" Noel shouted back. "You don't think the exact same thing is happening here?"
Conversations stopped, and the whole rec room was watching their table. Louis wasn't noticing. "What was his name, then, Noel?"
"What?"
"The guy you cheated on me with. What was his name? Because I'll tell you, Lee is sure as frak going to remember what Kara's name is, and for the rest of his frakking life! It is not the same thing, and don't you dare blame this on her! Or ME!"
"I am not blaming this on you!"
"You are!"
"No, I'm blaming you and me on you! Because it has never once occurred to you that if you had just frakking told me about the-" Before Noel could finish, Felix's fist met his face.
"Yes!" one of the pilots shouted. But Noel just rubbed his cheek and stared at Felix.
"Don't say it," Felix growled. "Not in here. If you two want to finish this fight, take it someplace else. Got it?" He straightened up into military posture, all commanding lieutenant.
"Come on," Noel said, grabbing Louis by the wrist. He hauled him away, and a disappointed murmur ran through the room as the others all turned back to their games. Dee sat frozen, staring at the cards in front of her until they became mere shapes against a gray metallic background. Felix slumped back down to the table.
"You know," Felix said, lighting up another cigarette and reclaiming his drink, "Noel was right about one thing. Nothing's that simple."
"What do you mean?" Dee asked.
Felix sighed. "There's a huge difference between you and Lee, and me and Gaius and Louis and Noel."
"Yeah?"
Felix looked at the end of his cigarette. "You're married, Dee."
"So?"
"Look," he finally said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening. "With me and Gaius, I have to admit he was always honest with me." Dee snorted. "No, hear me out. I'm not saying that excuses it, because he knew what he was doing to me. But he told me from the beginning that there were no promises. And with Noel and Louis, they hadn't made any promises. Well, not the big one, anyway. They could still walk away. But you and Lee…" Felix shrugged.
"Are you saying he can't just walk away?" Dee demanded. "Or I can't just walk away?"
Felix shrugged. "You think a divorce would be easy for you?"
"Not easy," Dee said.
She hated it when Felix had a little too much to drink and got into one of these moods. If he wasn't, he might not look at her like he was right now, like he could see straight through her and would call her on any bullshit. "You really think you want to give up being an Adama, Dee?" he asked. "Are you ready to face The Old Man after divorcing his son? Especially if Lee decides to spin it that he went to Kara after you divorced him?"
"Frak off, Felix," she said, putting her head down in her arms.
Felix's hand was warm on her shoulder. "Sorry, Dee," he said. "I'm not trying to be an ass. I'm just trying to be realistic."
"I know," Dee said, not looking up.
"You know, though," Felix said, still smoking, "it's not like you have to decide right now. Have you even seen Lee since Louis told you?" Dee shook her head. "So he doesn't even know you know."
"Yeah." Dee sat back up, smoothing her hair back, and glanced at the two empty seats. "You going after Louis at all tonight?"
"Nope." Felix looked down at his drink. "I suspect he and Noel will be at it until what passes for dawn." He made a face. "I think this one's been building for years."
"Yeah, I kind of got that impression. What happened?"
Felix knocked back the rest of his drink, glanced around the rec room yet again, and leaned in. Dee leaned in to meet him, partly because right now hearing about anyone else's misery was attractive, and partly because she'd been dying to know. "You know Louis had leukemia before this, right?"
"Yeah. He said he was seventeen the first time, then twenty nine, then… oh, frak. Noel didn't."
"Noel did. Guess he felt guilty and told Louis about it right away, but it was while Louis was in the hospital." Felix shrugged. "Louis didn't want to deal with it at the same time as he was dealing with cancer, so he ended things and that was that." He poured himself another drink. "The thing is, they were engaged at the time."
"Engaged?" Dee asked, because Noel had never, ever mentioned that.
"Yeah. Hey, look, don't tell either of them I told you, okay? Louis only told me in interest of full disclosure."
"I won’t," Dee promised. She considered it. "So is that why you two aren't officially together yet?"
"It certainly isn't me holding us up anymore," Felix said. He downed his drink again, and this time, Dee discreetly removed the bottle before Felix could reach for it. He glared at her, but didn't say anything. "As soon as he hits that six month, officially-in-remission mark, we can actually act like a couple. About frakking time."
"You really like this guy, don't you?"
For a moment, all the bitterness dropped from Felix's face, and he looked like himself again. "Yeah," he said, and there was something infinitely gentle about him as he said it. "I really do."
Dee sighed and stood up. "On that note, I think I'll head to bed. And you should, too. At least sober up before duty."
"You know I will."
"I know." Dee waved, and then lurched out of the rec room.
She hadn't realized how much she'd drunk until she tried to walk, but it was hitting her now. She sagged against the wall for a moment, trying to orient herself. But all that ran through her head were stories and bitter voices, he's too honorable and cheating is a consequence. She closed her eyes.
"Lieutenant." She opened her eyes to see Tigh, of all people, and snapped to something resembling attention.
"Colonel."
He studied her, a little too long, and it almost looked like there was something like sympathy on his face. And she remembered all the stories about Ellen Tigh before New Caprica, and for a wild moment, she just wanted to hug him.
"Do you need help, Lieutenant?" Tigh asked. Dee nodded mutely, and Tigh heaved a sigh. "Well then, let's get you to your quarters." He grabbed her elbow and began to guide her.
For all that Tigh was her commanding officer and had nearly murdered her best friend, the silence between them wasn't awkward. In fact, Dee found herself leaning into him. "Sorry, sir. Too much to drink."
"I see that."
"You gave me a drink once before, remember? Before you went down to New Caprica?"
"I remember."
"You said XOs have to stick together."
"Did I, now?
"You did." Dee's head was spinning. "Does that go for-" she wasn't sure how she was going to phrase it, but it didn't matter. She lurched into silence, and Tigh, being far too much a veteran of this sort of thing, scooped her up bodily and managed to get her into the nearest head.
Dee had never thought her XO would hold her hair back for her as she puked. If that wasn't a sign of solidarity, she didn't know what was.
"All done there?" Tigh asked, and Dee nodded. "Good. Then let's get your ass back to your husband before you decide to throw up again. He can take care of it." He helped Dee straighten back up, and waited while she washed her face and rinsed her mouth.
She wasn't drunk enough to ask Tigh the questions she would have liked to, and when he dropped her off at her own quarters, all she could do was say, "Thank you."
"You'd better be on time in the morning," was all he said in return.
She opened the door cautiously. To her surprise, Lee sat up.
"Dee! Are you okay?"
"I'm okay. Just… just a little drunk." Dee's knees gave out, and Lee leapt out of bed to catch her just in time.
"Wow," he said, smiling at her a little. "I don't think I've ever…." He glanced over his shoulder at the clock. "Oh, frak. Dee, you've got duty in four hours."
"I know."
He guided her to the bed, and helped her lay down. "Sleep it off," he said, and he sounded so kind.
"Lee?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I know. I love you, too."
"And I'm sorry," Dee said. She was drifting already. "Sorry I didn't talk to you more."
She was only vaguely aware of how guilty he looked. "Just go to sleep," he said.
She did.
***
If Tigh could have seen her waking up the next morning, he would have laughed his ass off. Felix probably would have, too, if he wasn't in the same state. Lee greeted her with a cup of strong coffee and some aspirin.
"Do I even want to know?" he asked, handing her the pills and the mug.
"No," Dee said. It tasted like something had died in her mouth, which was about the only thing that could make algae coffee taste better. She looked up at Lee, who was sitting on the edge of the bed being the picture of the thoughtful husband, and took a sip of coffee before she could say anything.
"You going to be okay today?" he asked.
"I'll be fine," Dee said. "It's just a hangover."
"So I gathered."
She took another deep sip of the coffee. It was bitter and had a moldy taste, but it did have caffeine, even if it was from ground up stims. She wondered what she was supposed to say to Lee now.
She didn't have to worry. He stood up, patting her on the shoulder. "I'll be home late tonight," he said. "I've got some stuff to do after I fly CAP."
Dee looked down. "All right," she said, not able to meet his eyes. "Should I wait up?"
"No. I'll be late." He kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you later."
Dee watched him go, and it didn't help her hangover at all.
***
The crash on the floor of the CIC startled them all out of their work, and made Dee's head throb. She was about to say something when she saw what it was; Felix had knocked his chair over. He was standing at the tactical station, white as a sheet, staring at a printout.
"What the frak?" Tigh demanded. "Did I miss something? Is there a reason half the CIC is hung over today?"
"No, sir," Felix stammered, his eyes not leaving the piece of paper in his hand.
"Well, good, because I was starting to wonder if we'd beaten the Cylons and no one had bothered to invite me to the victory party. If the Cylons attacked right now they'd be catching us with our pants down, and for frak's sake, Mr. Gaeta, what is taking you so long to put that chair back up right?"
"Sorry, sir." Felix moved mechanically to right the chair. He looked up towards Dee's station, but she could tell he wasn't really seeing her. "It won't happen again."
"I should think not," Tigh grunted.
Dee tried to catch Felix's eye, but he just stared for a moment longer, crumpled the piece of paper in his hand, and then went back to work.
***
That night, she dreamed of Billy.
She hadn't been the one to hang Billy's photo on the Wall of Remembrance, although President Roslin had offered to let her. But given how they'd ended, Dee had felt odd about it. If Roslin hadn't been there, then she would have done it. Of course. But the way Roslin offered… it had felt like an honor reserved for next of kin. For a widow.
Dee wasn't Billy's widow.
She tried not to think much about Billy, because the guilt of their… misunderstanding… always tainted the memory. But tonight she could see him so clearly, and could hear his laugh, even though he'd been dead for well over a year now.
And she knew she almost settled, too.
***
"Are you on duty tonight?" Lee asked her.
"No, Hoshi's on. Why?"
"Get dressed," Lee said, smiling like a little boy. "Civilian clothes."
"Civilian clothes?" Dee asked, surprised. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see." Lee's smile only expanded.
Dee shrugged and obeyed, slipping on red shirt and a pair of jeans. "You've definitely got me curious," she admitted.
"Come on."
They walked through the halls, and to Dee's utter surprise, it was still easy to talk to Lee. Despite the fact that she could feel something was wrong, despite the knowledge that she had, the scent of him and the sight of his smile still had a strong pull on her. They were laughing together about Hot Dog's latest blunder with women when they rounded the corner onto what Dee had remembered as a disused hangar deck.
"Joe's?" she asked, and then suddenly remembered the bar that Lee had been talking about. She could hear voices and laughter coming from inside, and her eyes widened. "You finished it!"
"I did," Lee said, grinning in pride. "Come on. I don't care if you're not into bars, you've got to see it at least once." He grabbed her hand and pulled her in, and Dee followed.
Immediately on entering, she remembered why she disliked bars. The scent of smoke hit her full force, followed quickly by the smell of liquor. She didn't mind either, normally, but in a crowded room and this strong, they both bothered her. A woman ran into her, sloshing drops of her drink onto Dee's pants, a hand that wasn't Lee's landed on her ass, and a huge gorilla of a marine stepped on her foot without apology, all in the first two minutes. Dee sighed, and forced a smile onto her face.
"What do you think?" Lee asked, turning around and gesturing grandly.
"It's impressive," Dee had to admit. She looked up. "I like the Viper. How'd you get Chief to agree to that?"
"Nothing to put in it," Lee said with a shrug and a dark expression. "Come on," he said, shaking it off and smiling again. "I'll buy you a drink." He grabbed her hand and led her to the bar, and as the people parted for him, Dee had the oddest sense of déjà vu. It was like being back on the Pegasus again, those first weeks when Lee knew everyone and had been Commander for a while, and she was just starting as his XO. "Hey Joe," Lee said as they made it to the bar, "a whiskey for me, and wine for my wife."
It was frustrating, Dee thought, that in the middle of all this he knew she'd drink wine over anything else when she could get it. And he remembered. The man behind the bar smiled at Lee and pushed the drinks over. His eyes seemed to land on Dee in a sort of speculative look, but Dee might have been imagining it.
"It's great, isn't it?" Lee said, taking his drink and turning around to face the crowds. "I mean, the rec room is one thing, but civilians aren't allowed there, and besides, it gets old playing Triad night after night after night."
"I know what you mean," Dee agreed, sipping her wine. "We were down to Go Fish the other night."
Lee chuckled, and then waved as Hex and Rivet hailed him. "Yeah," he said, a little distracted, and then pulled himself back. "It's good for everyone to have a place that doesn't feel like Galactica. Maybe something that feels at least a little bit like the Colonies. Like home."
Dee grinned. "That almost makes me want to forget how much I hate bars."
Lee laughed. "I know," he said self-deprecatingly, "I'm waxing poetic about a bar. Hey! Helo!"
Dee brightened as Helo came over, dropping a kiss on her cheek. "Hey, guys. Great place, isn't it?"
"Thanks," Lee said, brightening.
"How's Hera?" Dee asked.
Helo smiled. "Much better. We brought her home yesterday, and Doc says she'll be fine. Sharon's home with her. I think she's savoring the silence while Hera sleeps. Hey," he said, turning back to Lee, "have you heard anything about FTL trouble on the Outlander?"
"I have," Lee admitted. "They're looking into it."
"What are they doing if the Cylons find us in the meantime?" Helo asked. He moved closer to get a drink, and the way he positioned his body managed to cut Dee out of the conversation, although knowing Helo, it was completely unintentional. Dee stared for a moment, taking a sip of wine.
"Hey, Dee," someone said at her elbow.
She turned, her eyes widening. "Noel," she said, and she found her normal smile for him wouldn't come. "How are you?"
He smiled, holding up his drink. "Improving. If I'm shit-faced by the end of the night, I just might be good."
Dee twirled the wineglass in her hands. Noel did, Felix's voice whispered, and yeah, he looked different to her now. She forced a smile. "Enjoying the bar?"
"Sure," Noel said, leaning back on his elbows. He was actually out of uniform, in a tight black t-shirt and an even tighter pair of jeans. There was a hard, angry look on his face as well as he surveyed the crowd. "How about you?"
Dee looked around and shrugged. "Not really my scene," she admitted.
Noel snorted. Behind her, Dee heard a familiar laugh, and she cringed. She tried to ignore it, but she couldn't help looking back over her shoulder. The group talking to Lee had grown by a few pilots, and predictably, one of them was Starbuck.
"He doesn't hide it that well, does he?" Noel asked, watching Lee.
"At least they aren't pawing each other," Dee said. She turned back to Noel.
"You're mad at me," Noel observed. "For what happened with Louis."
"I'm not," Dee lied.
"Right," Noel snorted his disbelief. "You know it was ancient history and has nothing to do with you, right?"
"Which is why I'm totally lying and saying I'm not mad at you," Dee agreed. "You're right- it's not my business."
Noel smiled, but his smile was more like a smirk. Then his eyes widened. "Yes. Now that was what I was waiting for." Dee followed his gaze and saw the gorilla of the Marine who'd stepped on her foot earlier watching them. "That's my cue," Noel said. He slammed back his drink, turned back and managed to get two more from the bartender, and then winked at Dee. "He's hot, you're married, and I've got dibs. I'll see you later," he said.
Dee watched him go, and then turned back to the conversation that Lee was involved in. Helo noticed and moved aside for her, but even as he did, she realized the conversation was all about flying. She could follow it, of course. You couldn't work CIC communications and not understand most of what the pilots were saying. But she couldn't add to it. So she stood and sipped her wine in silence, laughing when the others laughed, letting her thoughts drift.
She was nearly asleep on her feet when someone touched her shoulder. She jerked awake and looked towards where Lee was, but he was still talking to Kara. She turned around the other way and saw Noel.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine." Dee looked past him, to where the marine was waiting. Although his eyes were clearly fastened on Noel, he didn't look at all impatient or upset. "You should go," she said lamely.
"I will. But, look, do you want me to walk you out of here or anything? Back to your quarters?"
"I can walk to my racks myself, Noel," she said. She looked at Lee again. "But yeah. Just a minute." She touched her husband on the arm. "Lee? Lee!" He turned, and Dee did her best to look exhausted and sick. "I hate to do this to you, but I really need to go to sleep. I'm going to head back to our quarters, okay?"
Did he look disappointed? Dee couldn't tell. But Lee nodded, and by the time she, Noel, and the marine had made it to the entrance, he was already back into his conversation with Kara again.
"Great bar," Noel said, once they were out into the hangar deck. The marine put an arm around Noel, but Noel didn't bother to introduce him to Dee. Dee shook her head.
"I don't really need you to walk me home, you know," she said. "I'm not nearly as drunk as I was the other night."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure. Go…" she glanced at the marine, who had now somehow managed to slip his hand into Noel's pocket, although Dee suspected it was cutting off the circulation to his fingers. He smiled kindly, but he obviously was much more interested in going to Noel's quarters than hers. "Just go," she said. "I really don't want to know details."
"No, you don't," Noel agreed with an evil grin. "See you later."
Dee shook her head again and watched them walk down the hall, Noel whispering something into the marine's ear. The marine laughed, and slid his hand out of Noel's pocket and over his ass.
Dee let herself into her quarters, the silence embracing her. She sank into a chair gratefully, toeing off her heels.
There was a knock on the door.
Dee groaned and stood back up. But when she opened the door and saw Felix, drunk and disheveled, she stepped back and said, "Come in."
Felix shook his head and leaned against the door. "No need. I just… I just needed to tell someone. Tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"Baltar's alive."
"I know that. Felix, come in."
Felix shook his head, and lurched back to standing. "No, Dee. Baltar's alive, and he's on the Galactica." Dee's mouth dropped open. "I've got to go."
"Felix! Wait!"
He turned around and shook his head. "I've got to go." He turned the corner before she could call after him again, and Dee retreated. She'd bet money he'd be passed out in his rack in ten minutes, anyway.
Well, frak.
***
She caught Felix before they entered the CIC the next day. "What was that all about?"
Felix looked at her like she'd grown two heads. "What was what all about?"
"Last night. You stopped by my quarters, drunk off your ass."
Felix's eyes flared open, and he grabbed Dee's arm and pulled her out of the general traffic. "Did I say anything?" he hissed.
"Of course you did," Dee said. "You told me that Baltar's alive and on the ship."
"Oh, Gods. Dee, please don't tell anyone. I wasn't supposed to… it's confidential. You know that, right?"
"I know," Dee said. It didn't matter anyway. News like that would be all over in days.
***
It didn't take days. Not even hours. When Dee was in the mess after her shift, she heard three privates discussing it. Either Felix had mentioned it to someone else, or someone had caught sight of something and spread it around. Regardless, people knew.
It was interesting, Dee noticed, as she sat with Felix in the mess. No one came over and joined them. No one was obviously avoiding them, not with the open coldness they'd shown Felix after New Caprica, but they also just… didn't look at them. Didn't look at Felix.
If Felix noticed, he didn't comment. Dee also noticed that, as far as she could tell, he didn't drink again after the night he'd shown up at her door, so drunk he couldn't even remember it.
"Are you okay?" Dee asked him, three days later.
"Would you stop asking me? I'm fine," Felix said, his eyes focused on his bowl.
"Do you know what they're going to do with him?" Dee asked.
"Not yet," Felix admitted. "While everyone on the Galactica knows, no one's supposed to know, and I don't think the Fleet's gotten wind of it yet. If nothing else, I haven't seen it in the paper or heard it on the wireless." He stabbed his food. "I'd hope they frakking airlock him, but that would be too quick a death." He shook his head. "I just want it over, you know?"
Dee nodded. "All too well."
***
What would it feel like to fly out the airlock? Dee looked down from the catwalk at and at the Vipers with a morbid fascination. She knew you could survive for a few seconds, but what happened next… well, it sounded painful.
Dee sighed and leaned her head forward, resting it on the cool metal of the catwalk railings. Her feet dangled down into the space below, and she stared until vertigo took over, and she had to look up at the hull of Galactica.
"Hey, Dee."
See looked up to see Louis. "Louis. I haven't seen you in… what, over a week?"
"Yeah. The problems of sharing the same job. Mind if I join you?"
Dee shrugged. "Can't stop you."
Louis arranged himself awkwardly until he was seated next to her. "Sorry about the other night," he said. "I know things got a little… heated."
"A bit," Dee admitted. "Is it sorted?"
"No. It's just patted back down to the point we can ignore it again," Louis said. "It will never be sorted. But… it's not like there's much left at the end of the world."
"Can I ask you what happened?" Dee asked. Felix had given her the bare bones, but she really wanted to hear what Louis would say about it.
He shrugged. "It's pretty simple. We'd been together for over two years. We were serious. Really serious." He looked down at the hangar deck floor. "We were engaged," he told her. "I mean, we already had the rings, although that was kind of a fluke. We were going to have the ceremony on the ship- Admiral Cain was going to do it- as soon as we were docked at a shipyard, so Noel's family could come. Just a little ceremony in her office… anyway. We both went to the infirmary to have the bloodwork done, and when I did…" he shrugged. "They found the leukemia had come back. Well, they found something was wrong, anyway, and I had to go back to Gemenon and have all the tests, and yeah. The leukemia was back. Stage three that time, so it was pretty bad. Noel promised he'd be there, even offered to get married right then and there, and screw waiting for his family. But I was too upset. Anyway, one thing led to another and…" Louis shrugged. "While I was in the hospital, he frakking cheated on me.
"He told me, mainly because he couldn't live with it. I broke off with him. I… I was really having a hard time with the treatments that time. The chemo they gave me that time made me really sick, I was losing my hair, and they weren't so sure I was going to make it. I almost didn't. But I couldn't deal with Noel and with the cancer at the same time. I figured I'd cut my losses."
"You sound like you almost regret it."
Louis looked at her, eyes wide in shock. "Of course I regret it, Dee. We were going to get married, that's how much I loved him. Ever since I was seventeen, I never planned on getting married."
"Not to put too fine a point on it, but he cheated on you."
Louis sighed and sat back on his hands. "Yes. With a guy whose name he can't even remember. And yeah, that hurts. But… Gods, I was lying there in that bed, and do you know how close I was so many times to just writing to him and saying, 'forget it, I love you and I forgive you, come back to me'? If I had, he would have. I know it. But I didn't, and I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me."
Dee blinked hard, trying to clear her eyes. "Did you ever want to try again? After everything died down, I mean?"
Louis shrugged. "We did try again. After the Colonies were attacked, on the Pegasus. But too much time had passed, and…" he shrugged again. "We're different people now. It was best just to let it go. And besides, now I have Felix. Or," he amended, "I will, in a few weeks. I'm lucky, you know."
"Yeah," Dee said with a grin.
Louis nudged her. "Not like that. Well, okay, like that, too. But Felix gets it. A lot of people wouldn't be able to handle what Noel and I had together, and the fact that we do still love each other in a way. But with everything Felix and Baltar had… he gets it. I'm lucky."
"You really could have forgiven Noel for cheating on you?"
"I don't know," Louis said. "But I really wish I'd tried to find out."
"Subtle."
Louis grinned, but then became serious again. "Look, Dee," he said, "what happened between me and Noel is different than what's going on with you and Lee. I'm not making a commentary."
Dee nodded and looked down at the hangar floor. "You know what?" she said. "I always hated Vipers."
Hoshi laughed. "Yeah. I never really liked them, either."
***
Anastasia Adama. Dee hadn't taken the Adama name, partly because it had sounded odd with her own name, and partly because if she had, there would be no one left with the name Dualla, and she wasn't ready to let that go.
Second best. That's what she was, that's what Louis would be to Felix and what Felix would be to Louis, and they'd all be screwed because the person they loved had loved someone more, right? Frakking second best forever.
Dee had almost settled for Billy, and in the end, she didn't regret it. She was sorry- so, so sorry- that he'd been killed, and she was sorry he'd been hurt before that. But it would have been a lie to let him believe she loved him like he'd loved her. She hadn't been Billy's second best, but Billy would have been hers.
She slipped her ring off her finger, studying it. For the first time, she wondered where Lee had found it. A dead wife, probably, her ring slipped from her hand and sold on the black market. It was a simple ring, just a smooth, thin, platinum band. It wasn't what she'd imagined, but when Lee had put it on her finger, it was exactly what she wanted.
She slipped it off her hand, and looked at her hand again without the ring. After a year of marriage, it looked bare without it. But she thought she could get used to it again.
***
"Can you pass the salt?"
Lee slid the salt across the table to her. Dee stared at the shaker sadly. She hadn't really wanted it, just more wanted to hear some sort of sound in this room. They returned to eating in silence.
Lee finished choking down his dinner and pushed the bowl away, and stood up to pull on his duty blues jacket. Dee looked up with surprise. "I thought you were off duty."
"I am, yeah. I was just gonna stop by the bar for a little while."
Something in Dee snapped. "If you're gonna see Kara, just admit it."
"Look," Lee said, turning around with an exasperated look on his face, "I told you there's nothing going on."
"Yeah, you both told me. 'Lee won't cheat, he's too noble.' Only problem is, it's all a crock, isn't it?" The words were easy to say, but Dee found her stomach freezing over, because this was it.
Lee was angry. "You know what the only problem is?" he demanded. "The only problem is that you don't trust me. That's it. And this is just your own frakkin' insecurities talking. Same as always. I mean, right from the get-go, I ... The very first morning that I proposed. You know what? Forget it. This is frakking pointless."
She remembered Louis, standing in her quarters at attention, and a great calm swept over her. "No," she said clearly, "you're right. I did see this coming. And I was naive enough to marry you anyway. And you want to know why, Lee? Because I loved you. I loved you so frakking much. I thought I was lucky. That's right, lucky. That I could have you ... for just as long as you or Kara would let me."
Lee reached out. "Dee, it's... Come on." But there was nothing he could say, because they both knew the truth. Dee pulled away.
"It's not a marriage, Lee. This is a lie. You want to be with Kara? Go ahead. I won't stand in your way. It's over."
She walked out the door, and a curious lightness accompanied her. I'm free, a voice in her mind kept saying. I'm free I'm free I'm free.
Which must have been exactly why she walked down to the officer's racks, found Felix, and burst into tears on his shoulder.
***
She slept in Felix's bed that night, and Felix used Louis's bunk while Louis was on duty. It was odd to sleep in a bunk again, but the small, closed space seemed cozy to her. She drifted off to sleep feeling like she was being hugged.
When she woke up in the morning, Felix was sitting at the table, hands in his hair. "What's wrong?" she asked.
He jumped. "Dee. Did you sleep okay?"
"Well enough. You didn't, though."
"No. I… I got a message from Adama," he said, crumpling it in his hand. "Jaffee brought it in this morning."
"Everything all right?"
Felix nodded. "Just orders. Hey, listen, are you going to be okay? I need to find Louis and tell him I have to cancel on him tonight. This is going to take all day."
"I'll be fine, Felix." He gave her a hurried smile and a kiss on the forehead, and slipped away.
***
"Dee," Lee began, as soon as she walked in.
"I have duty, Lee."
"I know. Look, Dee. We need to talk about this. There are things… there are things I need to say, that you need to hear. Don't walk out on this without hearing me out."
Dee looked at him. He was looking up at her with the saddest eyes she'd ever seen, and she was convinced he was about to cry.
She could walk out, right here and right now. It would take two minutes to pack, and it could be over. She could be done. She'd never have to deal with Lee or Kara again, at least once they got to Earth.
But she'd always wonder what would have happened.
She sighed heavily. "All right, Lee," she said. "I'll meet you tonight, and 1800 hours. At Joe's Bar."
"Thank you." He stood up, with a small smile. "I'll let you get ready on your own. See you tonight."
When she was in the shower, she noticed she was still wearing her wedding ring. And she didn't take it off.
***
"Dee," Adama said, striding into the CIC. "You have the deck this shift."
"Yes, sir," she said.
She wondered what he, Tigh, and Felix were all doing, but dismissed it from her mind as soon as one of the officers called for her attention.
At least she wouldn't have to think about Lee.
***
Lee was waiting for her when she arrived, and the way he stood suggested he would have brought flowers, if any existed in the Fleet. They sat at a corner table, crammed into the packed bar, and Joe brought them both wine. When Dee tasted it, she knew it was the best stuff left in existence.
"You know," Lee began, "I realize there's probably nothing I can say that can make this right. But there's something you need to know. I asked you to marry me because I was in love with you. Just like I'm in love with you now. You were right, I loved Kara." Dee opened her mouth to speak, but Lee rushed on. "And you know, maybe there's a part of me that always will. But I married you. I married you. And you know, when I look back at our marriage, at the time that we have spent together... You are good for me, Dee. And I need you. And I don't think I ever really realized that, till I knew that I was losing you. But please just give me another chance. That's all I'm asking. Just give me a chance. Please."
The one thing Dee hadn't been prepared for was Lee saying everything she wanted to hear.
***
"That was…" Dee said breathlessly, the sheet tangled around her legs. She ran her hand over Lee's chest, and he laughed.
"Exactly," he agreed. "In fact, I think it's something that requires a repeat performance."
Dee laughed and pushed herself up to her hands, looking down at him. "You might be able to convince me."
It had started out so tender… so slow and tentative. But it sure as hell hadn't ended up that way, and Dee felt like the sex had broken something between them, something that needed to be shattered into a million pieces and swept away. For the first time since the algae planet, she felt truly happy.
Someone pounded on the hatch.
"Let's just ignore it," she suggested. "It can't be that bad. No one's rousing the whole ship!"
"Dee!" She heard Noel's muffled voice shouting.
Lee sighed, pulled himself out of bed, and wrapped the blanket around his waist as Dee pulled the sheet up. "I'm not even sure I want to know," Lee said, and opened the hatch.
"Sorry to interrupt, Major," Noel said, and then stuck his head around the jamb. "It's just that Felix is in the brig."
On to Part 11
Author: lls_mutant
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Dee and Hoshi
Pairings: Dee/Lee, Hoshi/Gaeta, and past Hoshi/Narcho.
Summary: Now that her suspicions are confirmed, Dee has a decision to make.
Spoilers: Eventually through the end, but this part just through Rapture
Author's Note: Thanks to my awesome beta trovia!
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Pain and Heaven | Part 9
"Here," Noel said, pushing the glass across the table to her. He studied his hand of cards. They'd been in the middle of one of the most boring games of Triad in history when Dee had dropped her bomb. "I'll raise two."
It was 0230 hours, and the rec room wasn't nearly as crowded as usual. Dee knew she should be asleep herself- she had duty in five and a half hours- but she just couldn't go back to the quarters she shared with Lee and face him right now. Not while her head was reeling like this.
"Hey," Louis said quietly, and Dee looked up, startled out of her own thoughts. But Louis wasn't talking to her. "How many of those have you smoked tonight?" Louis asked Felix.
"Sorry." Felix stubbed out his current cigarette, and then discarded a card. "You can always count the butts," he suggested to Louis. Louis rolled his eyes. "It's been a long day." As was evidenced by the fact that he and Dee had done serious damage on the bottle before Noel and Louis had gotten there.
"You're not the one who just got off duty," Louis was light, but he touched Felix's knee under the table. Dee watched them for a moment, and then took the drink that Noel had offered her and swallowed it down quickly. Louis raised his eyebrows at her.
"So, what are you going to do?" Felix asked, playing with a discarded cigarette butt.
"I don't know," Dee admitted. She discarded two, and drew two more, and then folded. "He wants a divorce, but he hasn't had the courtesy of telling me that. He's waiting until she's lined up and ready. And without her, he's not divorcing me, I guess. Frak knows he can't be bothered to discuss it with me." She gestured for Noel to pour her another drink, and then took a sip. "What would you do?" she asked, looking around the table.
"Apparently stand there and take it as he paraded them all through the office," Felix said bitterly, taking a drink. "What's my pride next to giving him a blow job under his desk?"
Louis moved Felix's glass out of reach. "Or you could kick the bastard out yourself," he said to Dee. "Don't wait for him to ask you for the divorce, just tell him you know and kick him out. Then you at least have your pride."
"Of course," Noel said, leaning back and swiping one of Felix's cigarettes, "neither option is that simple." He took a deep drag and immediately started coughing. "The thing is," he said through gasps for air, "not all men cheat just because their dicks feel like it."
"Oh, there's another reason?" Louis said.
"Sure, there's lots of reasons men cheat," Noel said, his eyes clashing with Louis's. "Sometimes they have greater feelings for someone else. Sometimes they feel unappreciated because their wife can't be bothered to show her how much she loves him. Sometimes they just can't admit they don't love their partner. And sometimes they feel like their partner doesn't trust them, because they can't be bothered to tell them what the frak is going through their head when they're lying in the hospital."
"Hey, wait," Felix interrupted. "This is not Dee's fault."
"Not saying it's her fault," Noel said, still not taking his eyes off Louis. "Just saying that when you shut the person who loves you more than anything in the world out of your thoughts, you're gonna have to accept that there are consequences."
"Consequences? Cheating is a consequence?" Louis demanded.
"Sometimes it is," Noel snapped.
"Guys…" Dee began, because it didn't take a genius to figure out this was no longer about her and Lee. Felix was watching them both, looking something like a cat watching a game of ping pong.
"Explain to me," Louis said angrily, "how cheating would be a consequence for Dee."
"Who took her to her first support group meeting?" Noel said. "You, right? Who's the one that saw her cry first about it? You, right? Who's the one she leaned on after? Felix, right? Who's the one that she talks to when she's drunk and wonders what they would have named it? Me, right?"
"That is not fair," Dee said. "You have no idea what it's been like watching Lee suffer through this."
"You're right. I don't. But maybe certain people should have a little more faith in their husbands that they can handle it! That frak, yeah, it hurts, but maybe some of us would have been there if you frakking let us!"
"This is not about you and me!" Louis said, his voice rising. "Don't you dare make this about us!"
"It sure as hell is about us!" Noel shouted back. "You don't think the exact same thing is happening here?"
Conversations stopped, and the whole rec room was watching their table. Louis wasn't noticing. "What was his name, then, Noel?"
"What?"
"The guy you cheated on me with. What was his name? Because I'll tell you, Lee is sure as frak going to remember what Kara's name is, and for the rest of his frakking life! It is not the same thing, and don't you dare blame this on her! Or ME!"
"I am not blaming this on you!"
"You are!"
"No, I'm blaming you and me on you! Because it has never once occurred to you that if you had just frakking told me about the-" Before Noel could finish, Felix's fist met his face.
"Yes!" one of the pilots shouted. But Noel just rubbed his cheek and stared at Felix.
"Don't say it," Felix growled. "Not in here. If you two want to finish this fight, take it someplace else. Got it?" He straightened up into military posture, all commanding lieutenant.
"Come on," Noel said, grabbing Louis by the wrist. He hauled him away, and a disappointed murmur ran through the room as the others all turned back to their games. Dee sat frozen, staring at the cards in front of her until they became mere shapes against a gray metallic background. Felix slumped back down to the table.
"You know," Felix said, lighting up another cigarette and reclaiming his drink, "Noel was right about one thing. Nothing's that simple."
"What do you mean?" Dee asked.
Felix sighed. "There's a huge difference between you and Lee, and me and Gaius and Louis and Noel."
"Yeah?"
Felix looked at the end of his cigarette. "You're married, Dee."
"So?"
"Look," he finally said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening. "With me and Gaius, I have to admit he was always honest with me." Dee snorted. "No, hear me out. I'm not saying that excuses it, because he knew what he was doing to me. But he told me from the beginning that there were no promises. And with Noel and Louis, they hadn't made any promises. Well, not the big one, anyway. They could still walk away. But you and Lee…" Felix shrugged.
"Are you saying he can't just walk away?" Dee demanded. "Or I can't just walk away?"
Felix shrugged. "You think a divorce would be easy for you?"
"Not easy," Dee said.
She hated it when Felix had a little too much to drink and got into one of these moods. If he wasn't, he might not look at her like he was right now, like he could see straight through her and would call her on any bullshit. "You really think you want to give up being an Adama, Dee?" he asked. "Are you ready to face The Old Man after divorcing his son? Especially if Lee decides to spin it that he went to Kara after you divorced him?"
"Frak off, Felix," she said, putting her head down in her arms.
Felix's hand was warm on her shoulder. "Sorry, Dee," he said. "I'm not trying to be an ass. I'm just trying to be realistic."
"I know," Dee said, not looking up.
"You know, though," Felix said, still smoking, "it's not like you have to decide right now. Have you even seen Lee since Louis told you?" Dee shook her head. "So he doesn't even know you know."
"Yeah." Dee sat back up, smoothing her hair back, and glanced at the two empty seats. "You going after Louis at all tonight?"
"Nope." Felix looked down at his drink. "I suspect he and Noel will be at it until what passes for dawn." He made a face. "I think this one's been building for years."
"Yeah, I kind of got that impression. What happened?"
Felix knocked back the rest of his drink, glanced around the rec room yet again, and leaned in. Dee leaned in to meet him, partly because right now hearing about anyone else's misery was attractive, and partly because she'd been dying to know. "You know Louis had leukemia before this, right?"
"Yeah. He said he was seventeen the first time, then twenty nine, then… oh, frak. Noel didn't."
"Noel did. Guess he felt guilty and told Louis about it right away, but it was while Louis was in the hospital." Felix shrugged. "Louis didn't want to deal with it at the same time as he was dealing with cancer, so he ended things and that was that." He poured himself another drink. "The thing is, they were engaged at the time."
"Engaged?" Dee asked, because Noel had never, ever mentioned that.
"Yeah. Hey, look, don't tell either of them I told you, okay? Louis only told me in interest of full disclosure."
"I won’t," Dee promised. She considered it. "So is that why you two aren't officially together yet?"
"It certainly isn't me holding us up anymore," Felix said. He downed his drink again, and this time, Dee discreetly removed the bottle before Felix could reach for it. He glared at her, but didn't say anything. "As soon as he hits that six month, officially-in-remission mark, we can actually act like a couple. About frakking time."
"You really like this guy, don't you?"
For a moment, all the bitterness dropped from Felix's face, and he looked like himself again. "Yeah," he said, and there was something infinitely gentle about him as he said it. "I really do."
Dee sighed and stood up. "On that note, I think I'll head to bed. And you should, too. At least sober up before duty."
"You know I will."
"I know." Dee waved, and then lurched out of the rec room.
She hadn't realized how much she'd drunk until she tried to walk, but it was hitting her now. She sagged against the wall for a moment, trying to orient herself. But all that ran through her head were stories and bitter voices, he's too honorable and cheating is a consequence. She closed her eyes.
"Lieutenant." She opened her eyes to see Tigh, of all people, and snapped to something resembling attention.
"Colonel."
He studied her, a little too long, and it almost looked like there was something like sympathy on his face. And she remembered all the stories about Ellen Tigh before New Caprica, and for a wild moment, she just wanted to hug him.
"Do you need help, Lieutenant?" Tigh asked. Dee nodded mutely, and Tigh heaved a sigh. "Well then, let's get you to your quarters." He grabbed her elbow and began to guide her.
For all that Tigh was her commanding officer and had nearly murdered her best friend, the silence between them wasn't awkward. In fact, Dee found herself leaning into him. "Sorry, sir. Too much to drink."
"I see that."
"You gave me a drink once before, remember? Before you went down to New Caprica?"
"I remember."
"You said XOs have to stick together."
"Did I, now?
"You did." Dee's head was spinning. "Does that go for-" she wasn't sure how she was going to phrase it, but it didn't matter. She lurched into silence, and Tigh, being far too much a veteran of this sort of thing, scooped her up bodily and managed to get her into the nearest head.
Dee had never thought her XO would hold her hair back for her as she puked. If that wasn't a sign of solidarity, she didn't know what was.
"All done there?" Tigh asked, and Dee nodded. "Good. Then let's get your ass back to your husband before you decide to throw up again. He can take care of it." He helped Dee straighten back up, and waited while she washed her face and rinsed her mouth.
She wasn't drunk enough to ask Tigh the questions she would have liked to, and when he dropped her off at her own quarters, all she could do was say, "Thank you."
"You'd better be on time in the morning," was all he said in return.
She opened the door cautiously. To her surprise, Lee sat up.
"Dee! Are you okay?"
"I'm okay. Just… just a little drunk." Dee's knees gave out, and Lee leapt out of bed to catch her just in time.
"Wow," he said, smiling at her a little. "I don't think I've ever…." He glanced over his shoulder at the clock. "Oh, frak. Dee, you've got duty in four hours."
"I know."
He guided her to the bed, and helped her lay down. "Sleep it off," he said, and he sounded so kind.
"Lee?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I know. I love you, too."
"And I'm sorry," Dee said. She was drifting already. "Sorry I didn't talk to you more."
She was only vaguely aware of how guilty he looked. "Just go to sleep," he said.
She did.
***
If Tigh could have seen her waking up the next morning, he would have laughed his ass off. Felix probably would have, too, if he wasn't in the same state. Lee greeted her with a cup of strong coffee and some aspirin.
"Do I even want to know?" he asked, handing her the pills and the mug.
"No," Dee said. It tasted like something had died in her mouth, which was about the only thing that could make algae coffee taste better. She looked up at Lee, who was sitting on the edge of the bed being the picture of the thoughtful husband, and took a sip of coffee before she could say anything.
"You going to be okay today?" he asked.
"I'll be fine," Dee said. "It's just a hangover."
"So I gathered."
She took another deep sip of the coffee. It was bitter and had a moldy taste, but it did have caffeine, even if it was from ground up stims. She wondered what she was supposed to say to Lee now.
She didn't have to worry. He stood up, patting her on the shoulder. "I'll be home late tonight," he said. "I've got some stuff to do after I fly CAP."
Dee looked down. "All right," she said, not able to meet his eyes. "Should I wait up?"
"No. I'll be late." He kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you later."
Dee watched him go, and it didn't help her hangover at all.
***
The crash on the floor of the CIC startled them all out of their work, and made Dee's head throb. She was about to say something when she saw what it was; Felix had knocked his chair over. He was standing at the tactical station, white as a sheet, staring at a printout.
"What the frak?" Tigh demanded. "Did I miss something? Is there a reason half the CIC is hung over today?"
"No, sir," Felix stammered, his eyes not leaving the piece of paper in his hand.
"Well, good, because I was starting to wonder if we'd beaten the Cylons and no one had bothered to invite me to the victory party. If the Cylons attacked right now they'd be catching us with our pants down, and for frak's sake, Mr. Gaeta, what is taking you so long to put that chair back up right?"
"Sorry, sir." Felix moved mechanically to right the chair. He looked up towards Dee's station, but she could tell he wasn't really seeing her. "It won't happen again."
"I should think not," Tigh grunted.
Dee tried to catch Felix's eye, but he just stared for a moment longer, crumpled the piece of paper in his hand, and then went back to work.
***
That night, she dreamed of Billy.
She hadn't been the one to hang Billy's photo on the Wall of Remembrance, although President Roslin had offered to let her. But given how they'd ended, Dee had felt odd about it. If Roslin hadn't been there, then she would have done it. Of course. But the way Roslin offered… it had felt like an honor reserved for next of kin. For a widow.
Dee wasn't Billy's widow.
She tried not to think much about Billy, because the guilt of their… misunderstanding… always tainted the memory. But tonight she could see him so clearly, and could hear his laugh, even though he'd been dead for well over a year now.
And she knew she almost settled, too.
***
"Are you on duty tonight?" Lee asked her.
"No, Hoshi's on. Why?"
"Get dressed," Lee said, smiling like a little boy. "Civilian clothes."
"Civilian clothes?" Dee asked, surprised. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see." Lee's smile only expanded.
Dee shrugged and obeyed, slipping on red shirt and a pair of jeans. "You've definitely got me curious," she admitted.
"Come on."
They walked through the halls, and to Dee's utter surprise, it was still easy to talk to Lee. Despite the fact that she could feel something was wrong, despite the knowledge that she had, the scent of him and the sight of his smile still had a strong pull on her. They were laughing together about Hot Dog's latest blunder with women when they rounded the corner onto what Dee had remembered as a disused hangar deck.
"Joe's?" she asked, and then suddenly remembered the bar that Lee had been talking about. She could hear voices and laughter coming from inside, and her eyes widened. "You finished it!"
"I did," Lee said, grinning in pride. "Come on. I don't care if you're not into bars, you've got to see it at least once." He grabbed her hand and pulled her in, and Dee followed.
Immediately on entering, she remembered why she disliked bars. The scent of smoke hit her full force, followed quickly by the smell of liquor. She didn't mind either, normally, but in a crowded room and this strong, they both bothered her. A woman ran into her, sloshing drops of her drink onto Dee's pants, a hand that wasn't Lee's landed on her ass, and a huge gorilla of a marine stepped on her foot without apology, all in the first two minutes. Dee sighed, and forced a smile onto her face.
"What do you think?" Lee asked, turning around and gesturing grandly.
"It's impressive," Dee had to admit. She looked up. "I like the Viper. How'd you get Chief to agree to that?"
"Nothing to put in it," Lee said with a shrug and a dark expression. "Come on," he said, shaking it off and smiling again. "I'll buy you a drink." He grabbed her hand and led her to the bar, and as the people parted for him, Dee had the oddest sense of déjà vu. It was like being back on the Pegasus again, those first weeks when Lee knew everyone and had been Commander for a while, and she was just starting as his XO. "Hey Joe," Lee said as they made it to the bar, "a whiskey for me, and wine for my wife."
It was frustrating, Dee thought, that in the middle of all this he knew she'd drink wine over anything else when she could get it. And he remembered. The man behind the bar smiled at Lee and pushed the drinks over. His eyes seemed to land on Dee in a sort of speculative look, but Dee might have been imagining it.
"It's great, isn't it?" Lee said, taking his drink and turning around to face the crowds. "I mean, the rec room is one thing, but civilians aren't allowed there, and besides, it gets old playing Triad night after night after night."
"I know what you mean," Dee agreed, sipping her wine. "We were down to Go Fish the other night."
Lee chuckled, and then waved as Hex and Rivet hailed him. "Yeah," he said, a little distracted, and then pulled himself back. "It's good for everyone to have a place that doesn't feel like Galactica. Maybe something that feels at least a little bit like the Colonies. Like home."
Dee grinned. "That almost makes me want to forget how much I hate bars."
Lee laughed. "I know," he said self-deprecatingly, "I'm waxing poetic about a bar. Hey! Helo!"
Dee brightened as Helo came over, dropping a kiss on her cheek. "Hey, guys. Great place, isn't it?"
"Thanks," Lee said, brightening.
"How's Hera?" Dee asked.
Helo smiled. "Much better. We brought her home yesterday, and Doc says she'll be fine. Sharon's home with her. I think she's savoring the silence while Hera sleeps. Hey," he said, turning back to Lee, "have you heard anything about FTL trouble on the Outlander?"
"I have," Lee admitted. "They're looking into it."
"What are they doing if the Cylons find us in the meantime?" Helo asked. He moved closer to get a drink, and the way he positioned his body managed to cut Dee out of the conversation, although knowing Helo, it was completely unintentional. Dee stared for a moment, taking a sip of wine.
"Hey, Dee," someone said at her elbow.
She turned, her eyes widening. "Noel," she said, and she found her normal smile for him wouldn't come. "How are you?"
He smiled, holding up his drink. "Improving. If I'm shit-faced by the end of the night, I just might be good."
Dee twirled the wineglass in her hands. Noel did, Felix's voice whispered, and yeah, he looked different to her now. She forced a smile. "Enjoying the bar?"
"Sure," Noel said, leaning back on his elbows. He was actually out of uniform, in a tight black t-shirt and an even tighter pair of jeans. There was a hard, angry look on his face as well as he surveyed the crowd. "How about you?"
Dee looked around and shrugged. "Not really my scene," she admitted.
Noel snorted. Behind her, Dee heard a familiar laugh, and she cringed. She tried to ignore it, but she couldn't help looking back over her shoulder. The group talking to Lee had grown by a few pilots, and predictably, one of them was Starbuck.
"He doesn't hide it that well, does he?" Noel asked, watching Lee.
"At least they aren't pawing each other," Dee said. She turned back to Noel.
"You're mad at me," Noel observed. "For what happened with Louis."
"I'm not," Dee lied.
"Right," Noel snorted his disbelief. "You know it was ancient history and has nothing to do with you, right?"
"Which is why I'm totally lying and saying I'm not mad at you," Dee agreed. "You're right- it's not my business."
Noel smiled, but his smile was more like a smirk. Then his eyes widened. "Yes. Now that was what I was waiting for." Dee followed his gaze and saw the gorilla of the Marine who'd stepped on her foot earlier watching them. "That's my cue," Noel said. He slammed back his drink, turned back and managed to get two more from the bartender, and then winked at Dee. "He's hot, you're married, and I've got dibs. I'll see you later," he said.
Dee watched him go, and then turned back to the conversation that Lee was involved in. Helo noticed and moved aside for her, but even as he did, she realized the conversation was all about flying. She could follow it, of course. You couldn't work CIC communications and not understand most of what the pilots were saying. But she couldn't add to it. So she stood and sipped her wine in silence, laughing when the others laughed, letting her thoughts drift.
She was nearly asleep on her feet when someone touched her shoulder. She jerked awake and looked towards where Lee was, but he was still talking to Kara. She turned around the other way and saw Noel.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine." Dee looked past him, to where the marine was waiting. Although his eyes were clearly fastened on Noel, he didn't look at all impatient or upset. "You should go," she said lamely.
"I will. But, look, do you want me to walk you out of here or anything? Back to your quarters?"
"I can walk to my racks myself, Noel," she said. She looked at Lee again. "But yeah. Just a minute." She touched her husband on the arm. "Lee? Lee!" He turned, and Dee did her best to look exhausted and sick. "I hate to do this to you, but I really need to go to sleep. I'm going to head back to our quarters, okay?"
Did he look disappointed? Dee couldn't tell. But Lee nodded, and by the time she, Noel, and the marine had made it to the entrance, he was already back into his conversation with Kara again.
"Great bar," Noel said, once they were out into the hangar deck. The marine put an arm around Noel, but Noel didn't bother to introduce him to Dee. Dee shook her head.
"I don't really need you to walk me home, you know," she said. "I'm not nearly as drunk as I was the other night."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure. Go…" she glanced at the marine, who had now somehow managed to slip his hand into Noel's pocket, although Dee suspected it was cutting off the circulation to his fingers. He smiled kindly, but he obviously was much more interested in going to Noel's quarters than hers. "Just go," she said. "I really don't want to know details."
"No, you don't," Noel agreed with an evil grin. "See you later."
Dee shook her head again and watched them walk down the hall, Noel whispering something into the marine's ear. The marine laughed, and slid his hand out of Noel's pocket and over his ass.
Dee let herself into her quarters, the silence embracing her. She sank into a chair gratefully, toeing off her heels.
There was a knock on the door.
Dee groaned and stood back up. But when she opened the door and saw Felix, drunk and disheveled, she stepped back and said, "Come in."
Felix shook his head and leaned against the door. "No need. I just… I just needed to tell someone. Tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"Baltar's alive."
"I know that. Felix, come in."
Felix shook his head, and lurched back to standing. "No, Dee. Baltar's alive, and he's on the Galactica." Dee's mouth dropped open. "I've got to go."
"Felix! Wait!"
He turned around and shook his head. "I've got to go." He turned the corner before she could call after him again, and Dee retreated. She'd bet money he'd be passed out in his rack in ten minutes, anyway.
Well, frak.
***
She caught Felix before they entered the CIC the next day. "What was that all about?"
Felix looked at her like she'd grown two heads. "What was what all about?"
"Last night. You stopped by my quarters, drunk off your ass."
Felix's eyes flared open, and he grabbed Dee's arm and pulled her out of the general traffic. "Did I say anything?" he hissed.
"Of course you did," Dee said. "You told me that Baltar's alive and on the ship."
"Oh, Gods. Dee, please don't tell anyone. I wasn't supposed to… it's confidential. You know that, right?"
"I know," Dee said. It didn't matter anyway. News like that would be all over in days.
***
It didn't take days. Not even hours. When Dee was in the mess after her shift, she heard three privates discussing it. Either Felix had mentioned it to someone else, or someone had caught sight of something and spread it around. Regardless, people knew.
It was interesting, Dee noticed, as she sat with Felix in the mess. No one came over and joined them. No one was obviously avoiding them, not with the open coldness they'd shown Felix after New Caprica, but they also just… didn't look at them. Didn't look at Felix.
If Felix noticed, he didn't comment. Dee also noticed that, as far as she could tell, he didn't drink again after the night he'd shown up at her door, so drunk he couldn't even remember it.
"Are you okay?" Dee asked him, three days later.
"Would you stop asking me? I'm fine," Felix said, his eyes focused on his bowl.
"Do you know what they're going to do with him?" Dee asked.
"Not yet," Felix admitted. "While everyone on the Galactica knows, no one's supposed to know, and I don't think the Fleet's gotten wind of it yet. If nothing else, I haven't seen it in the paper or heard it on the wireless." He stabbed his food. "I'd hope they frakking airlock him, but that would be too quick a death." He shook his head. "I just want it over, you know?"
Dee nodded. "All too well."
***
What would it feel like to fly out the airlock? Dee looked down from the catwalk at and at the Vipers with a morbid fascination. She knew you could survive for a few seconds, but what happened next… well, it sounded painful.
Dee sighed and leaned her head forward, resting it on the cool metal of the catwalk railings. Her feet dangled down into the space below, and she stared until vertigo took over, and she had to look up at the hull of Galactica.
"Hey, Dee."
See looked up to see Louis. "Louis. I haven't seen you in… what, over a week?"
"Yeah. The problems of sharing the same job. Mind if I join you?"
Dee shrugged. "Can't stop you."
Louis arranged himself awkwardly until he was seated next to her. "Sorry about the other night," he said. "I know things got a little… heated."
"A bit," Dee admitted. "Is it sorted?"
"No. It's just patted back down to the point we can ignore it again," Louis said. "It will never be sorted. But… it's not like there's much left at the end of the world."
"Can I ask you what happened?" Dee asked. Felix had given her the bare bones, but she really wanted to hear what Louis would say about it.
He shrugged. "It's pretty simple. We'd been together for over two years. We were serious. Really serious." He looked down at the hangar deck floor. "We were engaged," he told her. "I mean, we already had the rings, although that was kind of a fluke. We were going to have the ceremony on the ship- Admiral Cain was going to do it- as soon as we were docked at a shipyard, so Noel's family could come. Just a little ceremony in her office… anyway. We both went to the infirmary to have the bloodwork done, and when I did…" he shrugged. "They found the leukemia had come back. Well, they found something was wrong, anyway, and I had to go back to Gemenon and have all the tests, and yeah. The leukemia was back. Stage three that time, so it was pretty bad. Noel promised he'd be there, even offered to get married right then and there, and screw waiting for his family. But I was too upset. Anyway, one thing led to another and…" Louis shrugged. "While I was in the hospital, he frakking cheated on me.
"He told me, mainly because he couldn't live with it. I broke off with him. I… I was really having a hard time with the treatments that time. The chemo they gave me that time made me really sick, I was losing my hair, and they weren't so sure I was going to make it. I almost didn't. But I couldn't deal with Noel and with the cancer at the same time. I figured I'd cut my losses."
"You sound like you almost regret it."
Louis looked at her, eyes wide in shock. "Of course I regret it, Dee. We were going to get married, that's how much I loved him. Ever since I was seventeen, I never planned on getting married."
"Not to put too fine a point on it, but he cheated on you."
Louis sighed and sat back on his hands. "Yes. With a guy whose name he can't even remember. And yeah, that hurts. But… Gods, I was lying there in that bed, and do you know how close I was so many times to just writing to him and saying, 'forget it, I love you and I forgive you, come back to me'? If I had, he would have. I know it. But I didn't, and I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me."
Dee blinked hard, trying to clear her eyes. "Did you ever want to try again? After everything died down, I mean?"
Louis shrugged. "We did try again. After the Colonies were attacked, on the Pegasus. But too much time had passed, and…" he shrugged again. "We're different people now. It was best just to let it go. And besides, now I have Felix. Or," he amended, "I will, in a few weeks. I'm lucky, you know."
"Yeah," Dee said with a grin.
Louis nudged her. "Not like that. Well, okay, like that, too. But Felix gets it. A lot of people wouldn't be able to handle what Noel and I had together, and the fact that we do still love each other in a way. But with everything Felix and Baltar had… he gets it. I'm lucky."
"You really could have forgiven Noel for cheating on you?"
"I don't know," Louis said. "But I really wish I'd tried to find out."
"Subtle."
Louis grinned, but then became serious again. "Look, Dee," he said, "what happened between me and Noel is different than what's going on with you and Lee. I'm not making a commentary."
Dee nodded and looked down at the hangar floor. "You know what?" she said. "I always hated Vipers."
Hoshi laughed. "Yeah. I never really liked them, either."
***
Anastasia Adama. Dee hadn't taken the Adama name, partly because it had sounded odd with her own name, and partly because if she had, there would be no one left with the name Dualla, and she wasn't ready to let that go.
Second best. That's what she was, that's what Louis would be to Felix and what Felix would be to Louis, and they'd all be screwed because the person they loved had loved someone more, right? Frakking second best forever.
Dee had almost settled for Billy, and in the end, she didn't regret it. She was sorry- so, so sorry- that he'd been killed, and she was sorry he'd been hurt before that. But it would have been a lie to let him believe she loved him like he'd loved her. She hadn't been Billy's second best, but Billy would have been hers.
She slipped her ring off her finger, studying it. For the first time, she wondered where Lee had found it. A dead wife, probably, her ring slipped from her hand and sold on the black market. It was a simple ring, just a smooth, thin, platinum band. It wasn't what she'd imagined, but when Lee had put it on her finger, it was exactly what she wanted.
She slipped it off her hand, and looked at her hand again without the ring. After a year of marriage, it looked bare without it. But she thought she could get used to it again.
***
"Can you pass the salt?"
Lee slid the salt across the table to her. Dee stared at the shaker sadly. She hadn't really wanted it, just more wanted to hear some sort of sound in this room. They returned to eating in silence.
Lee finished choking down his dinner and pushed the bowl away, and stood up to pull on his duty blues jacket. Dee looked up with surprise. "I thought you were off duty."
"I am, yeah. I was just gonna stop by the bar for a little while."
Something in Dee snapped. "If you're gonna see Kara, just admit it."
"Look," Lee said, turning around with an exasperated look on his face, "I told you there's nothing going on."
"Yeah, you both told me. 'Lee won't cheat, he's too noble.' Only problem is, it's all a crock, isn't it?" The words were easy to say, but Dee found her stomach freezing over, because this was it.
Lee was angry. "You know what the only problem is?" he demanded. "The only problem is that you don't trust me. That's it. And this is just your own frakkin' insecurities talking. Same as always. I mean, right from the get-go, I ... The very first morning that I proposed. You know what? Forget it. This is frakking pointless."
She remembered Louis, standing in her quarters at attention, and a great calm swept over her. "No," she said clearly, "you're right. I did see this coming. And I was naive enough to marry you anyway. And you want to know why, Lee? Because I loved you. I loved you so frakking much. I thought I was lucky. That's right, lucky. That I could have you ... for just as long as you or Kara would let me."
Lee reached out. "Dee, it's... Come on." But there was nothing he could say, because they both knew the truth. Dee pulled away.
"It's not a marriage, Lee. This is a lie. You want to be with Kara? Go ahead. I won't stand in your way. It's over."
She walked out the door, and a curious lightness accompanied her. I'm free, a voice in her mind kept saying. I'm free I'm free I'm free.
Which must have been exactly why she walked down to the officer's racks, found Felix, and burst into tears on his shoulder.
***
She slept in Felix's bed that night, and Felix used Louis's bunk while Louis was on duty. It was odd to sleep in a bunk again, but the small, closed space seemed cozy to her. She drifted off to sleep feeling like she was being hugged.
When she woke up in the morning, Felix was sitting at the table, hands in his hair. "What's wrong?" she asked.
He jumped. "Dee. Did you sleep okay?"
"Well enough. You didn't, though."
"No. I… I got a message from Adama," he said, crumpling it in his hand. "Jaffee brought it in this morning."
"Everything all right?"
Felix nodded. "Just orders. Hey, listen, are you going to be okay? I need to find Louis and tell him I have to cancel on him tonight. This is going to take all day."
"I'll be fine, Felix." He gave her a hurried smile and a kiss on the forehead, and slipped away.
***
"Dee," Lee began, as soon as she walked in.
"I have duty, Lee."
"I know. Look, Dee. We need to talk about this. There are things… there are things I need to say, that you need to hear. Don't walk out on this without hearing me out."
Dee looked at him. He was looking up at her with the saddest eyes she'd ever seen, and she was convinced he was about to cry.
She could walk out, right here and right now. It would take two minutes to pack, and it could be over. She could be done. She'd never have to deal with Lee or Kara again, at least once they got to Earth.
But she'd always wonder what would have happened.
She sighed heavily. "All right, Lee," she said. "I'll meet you tonight, and 1800 hours. At Joe's Bar."
"Thank you." He stood up, with a small smile. "I'll let you get ready on your own. See you tonight."
When she was in the shower, she noticed she was still wearing her wedding ring. And she didn't take it off.
***
"Dee," Adama said, striding into the CIC. "You have the deck this shift."
"Yes, sir," she said.
She wondered what he, Tigh, and Felix were all doing, but dismissed it from her mind as soon as one of the officers called for her attention.
At least she wouldn't have to think about Lee.
***
Lee was waiting for her when she arrived, and the way he stood suggested he would have brought flowers, if any existed in the Fleet. They sat at a corner table, crammed into the packed bar, and Joe brought them both wine. When Dee tasted it, she knew it was the best stuff left in existence.
"You know," Lee began, "I realize there's probably nothing I can say that can make this right. But there's something you need to know. I asked you to marry me because I was in love with you. Just like I'm in love with you now. You were right, I loved Kara." Dee opened her mouth to speak, but Lee rushed on. "And you know, maybe there's a part of me that always will. But I married you. I married you. And you know, when I look back at our marriage, at the time that we have spent together... You are good for me, Dee. And I need you. And I don't think I ever really realized that, till I knew that I was losing you. But please just give me another chance. That's all I'm asking. Just give me a chance. Please."
The one thing Dee hadn't been prepared for was Lee saying everything she wanted to hear.
***
"That was…" Dee said breathlessly, the sheet tangled around her legs. She ran her hand over Lee's chest, and he laughed.
"Exactly," he agreed. "In fact, I think it's something that requires a repeat performance."
Dee laughed and pushed herself up to her hands, looking down at him. "You might be able to convince me."
It had started out so tender… so slow and tentative. But it sure as hell hadn't ended up that way, and Dee felt like the sex had broken something between them, something that needed to be shattered into a million pieces and swept away. For the first time since the algae planet, she felt truly happy.
Someone pounded on the hatch.
"Let's just ignore it," she suggested. "It can't be that bad. No one's rousing the whole ship!"
"Dee!" She heard Noel's muffled voice shouting.
Lee sighed, pulled himself out of bed, and wrapped the blanket around his waist as Dee pulled the sheet up. "I'm not even sure I want to know," Lee said, and opened the hatch.
"Sorry to interrupt, Major," Noel said, and then stuck his head around the jamb. "It's just that Felix is in the brig."
On to Part 11