Who We Are (30/35)
Title: Who We Are (30/35)
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 2,532
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - David has some decisions to make.
Previous Chapters: 1 5 10 15 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. We're on the home stretch here.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951 except for some bits I wrote a half hour ago.
Chapter 30
David stared at his hands. He knew Bradford was staring at him. He could feel it. He had begged Don for an indefinite amount of time off. Don had said yes quickly and without question. It made him wonder what Charlie might have told his brother. Then he made a phone call to Bradford. When he got to the office he laid out everything.
“Take me through the time line again, in detail,” Bradford asked.
David took a breath.
“We got a report Wednesday morning that something had gone down out in the countryside. No one was sure if it had to do with terrorists or was just a domestic that went horribly wrong. Local authorities requested FBI assistance in evidence retrieval and general backup. I got tapped to go out with a few other guys.”
“Did you say anything to Isaiah before you left?”
“No. I caught his eye. My orders had been shouted across the office so he knew where I was going.”
“Then what happened?”
“To me? I drove way out into the middle of nowhere until we found ten dead bodies and a lot of confusion. I helped set up a mobile command center to start processing some of the evidence. I was out there for a few days and I started driving back very late Sunday night. I tried calling when I got back but his phone went straight to voice mail. It was a little odd but I was so tired I just left a message.”
“What was the message?”
“I told him I was back in town and that I’d see him in the morning.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No.”
“And what happened to Isaiah?”
“Thursday morning he was crossing the street and a driver that wasn’t paying attention ran him down. He died on the scene and he was buried on Friday.”
“Of course. Was he on his way to work, or to see someone?”
“No. There was this cafe he liked. He went every morning even though it was a bit out of the way. They made these muffins he liked, banana muffins, and this imported coffee. He went every morning. They’d have his order just waiting for him.”
“And what happened when you got to work on Monday morning?”
“I looked for him first. You could see his workstation from the elevator. He wasn’t there. I remember the office felt quiet but I just thought everyone was still hung over from the weekend. He wasn’t at his desk and his desk was empty. It was weird so I went over and asked where he was. Things got quiet.”
“Who told you?”
“Julia. She sat next to him. She started crying.”
“And she was not aware of your relationship.”
“No. No one was. He told no one. I only told my mother.”
“And once you were told what did you do?”
“Went back to my desk. Sat down. There was a letter on my keyboard. It said I was getting transferred to LA. My partner read it over my shoulder, told me congratulations.”
“Did you stay at work?”
“No. Told my boss I was coming down with something. Went back to my apartment. Drank everything I had, passed out, then woke up, got sick and started packing.”
“And now you’re having nightmares.”
“Yeah.”
“And there have been no men between Isaiah and Charlie?” David shook his head. “And very few women.” David shrugged a little. “You know David this is almost too easy, I was sort of hoping you’d bring me something tricky.” David’s head snapped up. Bradford leaned forward. “You haven’t said goodbye, David.
“No. I grieved. I went through all those damn stages. I vividly remember bargaining. I tried making some weird deals with God.”
“I didn’t say grieve. I’m sure you did that. You didn’t say goodbye. You didn’t go to his funeral or memorial or wake, you never even went to his grave. That is the real final stage. Saying goodbye. That’s what funerals and graves are for. The dead don’t really care. They are a time and place for people to say the final words that need to be said and to say goodbye and you didn’t. You put your heart on hold for six years and now you are trying to move forward with a new person but you can’t. You are still tethered to Isaiah and the closer you get to consummating your relationship with Charlie the tighter and nastier that tether is going to feel. You need to say goodbye.”
“How? I mean what the hell do I do? Hop on a plane to Tel Aviv?”
Bradford shrugged. “If that’s what it takes. I can’t give you advice there.”
“I grieved,” David repeated.
“David, you loved him. You loved him and you left without saying goodbye.”
“He left me!” The shout burst from David as he nearly leapt to his feet. Bradford didn't even blink as David became aware of what just happened. He sat back down carefully.
“You left Tel Aviv denying and lying about your own sexuality, never admitting to even your closest friends that you once loved another man. That’s worse that what Charlie did to himself. You are disrespecting Isaiah's memory and you know it.”
“He didn’t want anyone to know.”
“He’s dead, he doesn’t care that much, what you’ve got to worry about is your own guilt, shame and memories of him chewing up the inside of your head, not to mention your relationship with Charlie.”
David put his face in his hands trying to will himself not to cry in frustration.
“You need to say goodbye, David. You and Isaiah have got to make peace and you’ve got to figure out how to do that on your own.”
~
David sipped his beer. He wasn’t drunk, he wished he was. He stared at his phone thinking about who to call. He wanted to call his mother, he wanted to call Colby. He wanted to call Charlie and tell him to come over. He pushed his phone aside and slipped the lid off the box that was sitting on his table.
He took out the t-shirt first and brought it to his nose looking for any lingering scent. There was nothing. He set the t-shirt aside and carefully removed the coffee cup. There was still a stain around the inside. David had never washed it. He remembered when it had been flung across the room leaving a dent in the drywall and only chipped as it hit the floor.
The comics were next. They weren’t in pristine condition or particularly valuable ones. They were just ones Isaiah had brought over and forgotten. David wondered what had happened to Isaiah’s collection. It was worth comfortably five figures and full of rare European comics. He had a horrible image of Isaiah’s mother simply throwing it out or something.
David plucked out the copy of Catch-22. It was a Hebrew translation and Isaiah had loaned it to him with orders that he learn the language. It was Isaiah's favorite book for reasons he refused to explain until after David read it. Isaiah had read his copy so many times it didn’t close properly. It was filled with dogeared pages and large passages underlined or highlighted with Isaiah’s chicken scratch annotations in the margins.
David flipped open the book to a random page. There were three lines highlighted in yellow and in the margin were the words ‘this is us’.
David drank the rest of his beer, then another, then a third then went to bed.
~
David woke up with a start, his heart pounding in his chest. It went along with the pounding on his door. His head swam and in his mouth was the memory of the taste of blood and bananas. It was fading as fast as the dream.
He stumbled to the door and flung it open. Don stood there. “Shit, David, I’ve been banging for over a minute, I was about to call in the cavalry. You look like hell.”
“Thank you, did you want something?”
“Mainly to come in and make sure my second in command isn’t having a breakdown. Losing Megan to her issues was enough of a pain I’m not up for doing it again.”
David waved Don in. “What did Charlie tell you?”
“That if you asked for time off I should give it to you. Am I losing you?”
“No,” David mumbled as he stumbled into his kitchen. He pulled a beer out of the fridge.
Don gave him a pointed look. “It’s seven in the morning.”
David looked at the beer. “It’s happy hour somewhere.”
Don took the beer firmly from his hand. “This isn’t you, what the hell is going on? Is this about that hypothetical gay physicist?”
David snorted then winced. “No.”
“Then what?”
“I’m being haunted.”
“Figuratively or literally?”
David did love the way Don rolled with the punches. He sat down at his table and handed the Polaroid to Don. Don glanced at it quickly then did a double take. “Who is that?”
“Isaiah Elian Yadin. He was my boyfriend for eight months in Tel Aviv.”
“Well, you’ve got a type.”
David took the picture back. “He was run over four days before I got my transfer notice. I was out of town on a job, no one knew about us so no one told me and he was buried before I got back, I don’t even know where.”
Don took the other chair at the table. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been having nightmares about him almost since Charlie and I got together but they’ve been every night now for the last three weeks, I can’t even catch a nap without having one, I’m terrified of closing my eyes and the closer Charlie and I get to actually doing it the worse the nightmares get so yeah I’m feeling haunted.”
Don’s brows came right together. “Wait, you and Charlie haven’t done... it yet?”
David felt too wrenched to bother lying. “We’re kind of stalled out at third base and at this rate it’s never going to happen because I’m going to lose my mind first.”
“You’ve talked to someone, right?”
“Yeah, had a long talk with Bradford yesterday.”
“What did he say?”
David looked at the picture. “That I need to say goodbye, need to say all the things I didn’t say, make peace.”
“Well I’ve been there. It’s not easy but it feels better when you’re done.”
“I’m sure it does but I’ve been trying and nothing I do here seems like enough or the right thing and right now I’m starting to believe that I need to drag my ass back to Tel Aviv and I really don’t want to. That city kicked my ass once, I don’t want to give it so much as another day to try to do it again.” Don didn’t say anything but he did reach over and pick up the paperback still sitting on the table from the night before. “Isaiah loaned it to me. He wanted me to learn Hebrew by reading it.”
“By reading Catch-22?”
David shrugged a little. “He was odd at times. He didn’t like explaining things to people who couldn’t keep up with him. I was supposed to give it back to him but I never got the chance.”
Don thumbed through the book a bit and tilted it sideways to read some of the notes. He chuckled a little at one before putting it back down. “David, take the day off. Tomorrow I want you back in the office. You can sit at your desk and drool on your keyboard all day but you don’t get to hang around here drinking beer at seven in the morning. I want you somewhere where people can keep an eye on you while you figure out what you’re doing next. And if that involves going to Tel Aviv I’ll give you the time off for that. Also give Charlie a text and tell him you’re still alive. He’s worrying on a level that’s starting to remind me of our grandmother. And those are all orders from your superior.”
“Yes, Don.”
“Text Colby too. Only reason he’s not kicking your door in is ‘cause I gave him a direct order but I don’t know how long that’s going to stick.” David just nodded, he still felt sick and everything was starting to hurt, like he’d been fighting in his sleep. “I’d tell you to get some sleep but...”
“Yeah, I’ll try.”
~
David drank his tea barely noticing that it was a bit too hot. Nikki was making coffee and looking at him sideways. He’d been on his desk three days now and was averaging only a couple of hours of good sleep a night. He was on the verge of calling Dr. Flores and asking if he had some good knock out drugs and a spare room.
Nikki nudged him. “Hey, I was talking to you, or at least at you.”
“Sorry?” David mumbled.
“You okay?”
“Just having a minor breakdown. Nothing to worry about.”
“Yeah right. You’re not going to do anything stupid are you? ‘Cause our resident genius used up this year’s allocation of stupid already and took a loan out of next year’s as well.”
David smiled a little. Leave it to Nikki to be that blunt. “I might do something a little stupid but it’s something that I think needs to be done. I just really don’t want to do it.”
“Ah, hell, David, you just described the human condition. If we were smart we would have stayed in the trees but some dumb monkey probably dropped something and had to climb down to go get it.”
“Stupid but necessary.”
“Yep.”
David took another swallow of his tea. ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid.’
~
David knocked on Charlie’s door. He’d decided to put this off until the last minute. He’d swing by home after this then straight to the airport. Charlie opened the door.
“David.”
“Hi. Can I come in?”
“Of course.” David looked Charlie over. He looked tired. They hadn’t spoken much since that night except for the occasion text as proof of life.
“I... um, I don’t have long but I wanted you to know I’m taking a little trip.”
“Where?”
David shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t be long. No more than a week. I think it’ll help.”
Charlie raised an eyebrow. “You checking in somewhere?”
“Only a mid range hotel.”
“Okay.”
“I just wanted you to know I’m not just going for me. I’m trying to get myself back together for us. You’ve been fighting so hard and I feel like I’m dropping the ball here.”
Charlie took David’s hand. It was warm, soft and dry. “Do what you need to do for you.”
David pulled Charlie into a hug their bodies molding against each other. He took a deep breath of Charlie’s sent as Charlie snuggled into his chest.
“Do you have to go now?”
“Yeah, I have a flight to catch.”
“Can I get a kiss before you go?”
David tilted Charlie’s face up to his. “Always.”
Previous Next
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 2,532
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - David has some decisions to make.
Previous Chapters: 1 5 10 15 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. We're on the home stretch here.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951 except for some bits I wrote a half hour ago.
Chapter 30
David stared at his hands. He knew Bradford was staring at him. He could feel it. He had begged Don for an indefinite amount of time off. Don had said yes quickly and without question. It made him wonder what Charlie might have told his brother. Then he made a phone call to Bradford. When he got to the office he laid out everything.
“Take me through the time line again, in detail,” Bradford asked.
David took a breath.
“We got a report Wednesday morning that something had gone down out in the countryside. No one was sure if it had to do with terrorists or was just a domestic that went horribly wrong. Local authorities requested FBI assistance in evidence retrieval and general backup. I got tapped to go out with a few other guys.”
“Did you say anything to Isaiah before you left?”
“No. I caught his eye. My orders had been shouted across the office so he knew where I was going.”
“Then what happened?”
“To me? I drove way out into the middle of nowhere until we found ten dead bodies and a lot of confusion. I helped set up a mobile command center to start processing some of the evidence. I was out there for a few days and I started driving back very late Sunday night. I tried calling when I got back but his phone went straight to voice mail. It was a little odd but I was so tired I just left a message.”
“What was the message?”
“I told him I was back in town and that I’d see him in the morning.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No.”
“And what happened to Isaiah?”
“Thursday morning he was crossing the street and a driver that wasn’t paying attention ran him down. He died on the scene and he was buried on Friday.”
“Of course. Was he on his way to work, or to see someone?”
“No. There was this cafe he liked. He went every morning even though it was a bit out of the way. They made these muffins he liked, banana muffins, and this imported coffee. He went every morning. They’d have his order just waiting for him.”
“And what happened when you got to work on Monday morning?”
“I looked for him first. You could see his workstation from the elevator. He wasn’t there. I remember the office felt quiet but I just thought everyone was still hung over from the weekend. He wasn’t at his desk and his desk was empty. It was weird so I went over and asked where he was. Things got quiet.”
“Who told you?”
“Julia. She sat next to him. She started crying.”
“And she was not aware of your relationship.”
“No. No one was. He told no one. I only told my mother.”
“And once you were told what did you do?”
“Went back to my desk. Sat down. There was a letter on my keyboard. It said I was getting transferred to LA. My partner read it over my shoulder, told me congratulations.”
“Did you stay at work?”
“No. Told my boss I was coming down with something. Went back to my apartment. Drank everything I had, passed out, then woke up, got sick and started packing.”
“And now you’re having nightmares.”
“Yeah.”
“And there have been no men between Isaiah and Charlie?” David shook his head. “And very few women.” David shrugged a little. “You know David this is almost too easy, I was sort of hoping you’d bring me something tricky.” David’s head snapped up. Bradford leaned forward. “You haven’t said goodbye, David.
“No. I grieved. I went through all those damn stages. I vividly remember bargaining. I tried making some weird deals with God.”
“I didn’t say grieve. I’m sure you did that. You didn’t say goodbye. You didn’t go to his funeral or memorial or wake, you never even went to his grave. That is the real final stage. Saying goodbye. That’s what funerals and graves are for. The dead don’t really care. They are a time and place for people to say the final words that need to be said and to say goodbye and you didn’t. You put your heart on hold for six years and now you are trying to move forward with a new person but you can’t. You are still tethered to Isaiah and the closer you get to consummating your relationship with Charlie the tighter and nastier that tether is going to feel. You need to say goodbye.”
“How? I mean what the hell do I do? Hop on a plane to Tel Aviv?”
Bradford shrugged. “If that’s what it takes. I can’t give you advice there.”
“I grieved,” David repeated.
“David, you loved him. You loved him and you left without saying goodbye.”
“He left me!” The shout burst from David as he nearly leapt to his feet. Bradford didn't even blink as David became aware of what just happened. He sat back down carefully.
“You left Tel Aviv denying and lying about your own sexuality, never admitting to even your closest friends that you once loved another man. That’s worse that what Charlie did to himself. You are disrespecting Isaiah's memory and you know it.”
“He didn’t want anyone to know.”
“He’s dead, he doesn’t care that much, what you’ve got to worry about is your own guilt, shame and memories of him chewing up the inside of your head, not to mention your relationship with Charlie.”
David put his face in his hands trying to will himself not to cry in frustration.
“You need to say goodbye, David. You and Isaiah have got to make peace and you’ve got to figure out how to do that on your own.”
~
David sipped his beer. He wasn’t drunk, he wished he was. He stared at his phone thinking about who to call. He wanted to call his mother, he wanted to call Colby. He wanted to call Charlie and tell him to come over. He pushed his phone aside and slipped the lid off the box that was sitting on his table.
He took out the t-shirt first and brought it to his nose looking for any lingering scent. There was nothing. He set the t-shirt aside and carefully removed the coffee cup. There was still a stain around the inside. David had never washed it. He remembered when it had been flung across the room leaving a dent in the drywall and only chipped as it hit the floor.
The comics were next. They weren’t in pristine condition or particularly valuable ones. They were just ones Isaiah had brought over and forgotten. David wondered what had happened to Isaiah’s collection. It was worth comfortably five figures and full of rare European comics. He had a horrible image of Isaiah’s mother simply throwing it out or something.
David plucked out the copy of Catch-22. It was a Hebrew translation and Isaiah had loaned it to him with orders that he learn the language. It was Isaiah's favorite book for reasons he refused to explain until after David read it. Isaiah had read his copy so many times it didn’t close properly. It was filled with dogeared pages and large passages underlined or highlighted with Isaiah’s chicken scratch annotations in the margins.
David flipped open the book to a random page. There were three lines highlighted in yellow and in the margin were the words ‘this is us’.
David drank the rest of his beer, then another, then a third then went to bed.
~
David woke up with a start, his heart pounding in his chest. It went along with the pounding on his door. His head swam and in his mouth was the memory of the taste of blood and bananas. It was fading as fast as the dream.
He stumbled to the door and flung it open. Don stood there. “Shit, David, I’ve been banging for over a minute, I was about to call in the cavalry. You look like hell.”
“Thank you, did you want something?”
“Mainly to come in and make sure my second in command isn’t having a breakdown. Losing Megan to her issues was enough of a pain I’m not up for doing it again.”
David waved Don in. “What did Charlie tell you?”
“That if you asked for time off I should give it to you. Am I losing you?”
“No,” David mumbled as he stumbled into his kitchen. He pulled a beer out of the fridge.
Don gave him a pointed look. “It’s seven in the morning.”
David looked at the beer. “It’s happy hour somewhere.”
Don took the beer firmly from his hand. “This isn’t you, what the hell is going on? Is this about that hypothetical gay physicist?”
David snorted then winced. “No.”
“Then what?”
“I’m being haunted.”
“Figuratively or literally?”
David did love the way Don rolled with the punches. He sat down at his table and handed the Polaroid to Don. Don glanced at it quickly then did a double take. “Who is that?”
“Isaiah Elian Yadin. He was my boyfriend for eight months in Tel Aviv.”
“Well, you’ve got a type.”
David took the picture back. “He was run over four days before I got my transfer notice. I was out of town on a job, no one knew about us so no one told me and he was buried before I got back, I don’t even know where.”
Don took the other chair at the table. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been having nightmares about him almost since Charlie and I got together but they’ve been every night now for the last three weeks, I can’t even catch a nap without having one, I’m terrified of closing my eyes and the closer Charlie and I get to actually doing it the worse the nightmares get so yeah I’m feeling haunted.”
Don’s brows came right together. “Wait, you and Charlie haven’t done... it yet?”
David felt too wrenched to bother lying. “We’re kind of stalled out at third base and at this rate it’s never going to happen because I’m going to lose my mind first.”
“You’ve talked to someone, right?”
“Yeah, had a long talk with Bradford yesterday.”
“What did he say?”
David looked at the picture. “That I need to say goodbye, need to say all the things I didn’t say, make peace.”
“Well I’ve been there. It’s not easy but it feels better when you’re done.”
“I’m sure it does but I’ve been trying and nothing I do here seems like enough or the right thing and right now I’m starting to believe that I need to drag my ass back to Tel Aviv and I really don’t want to. That city kicked my ass once, I don’t want to give it so much as another day to try to do it again.” Don didn’t say anything but he did reach over and pick up the paperback still sitting on the table from the night before. “Isaiah loaned it to me. He wanted me to learn Hebrew by reading it.”
“By reading Catch-22?”
David shrugged a little. “He was odd at times. He didn’t like explaining things to people who couldn’t keep up with him. I was supposed to give it back to him but I never got the chance.”
Don thumbed through the book a bit and tilted it sideways to read some of the notes. He chuckled a little at one before putting it back down. “David, take the day off. Tomorrow I want you back in the office. You can sit at your desk and drool on your keyboard all day but you don’t get to hang around here drinking beer at seven in the morning. I want you somewhere where people can keep an eye on you while you figure out what you’re doing next. And if that involves going to Tel Aviv I’ll give you the time off for that. Also give Charlie a text and tell him you’re still alive. He’s worrying on a level that’s starting to remind me of our grandmother. And those are all orders from your superior.”
“Yes, Don.”
“Text Colby too. Only reason he’s not kicking your door in is ‘cause I gave him a direct order but I don’t know how long that’s going to stick.” David just nodded, he still felt sick and everything was starting to hurt, like he’d been fighting in his sleep. “I’d tell you to get some sleep but...”
“Yeah, I’ll try.”
~
David drank his tea barely noticing that it was a bit too hot. Nikki was making coffee and looking at him sideways. He’d been on his desk three days now and was averaging only a couple of hours of good sleep a night. He was on the verge of calling Dr. Flores and asking if he had some good knock out drugs and a spare room.
Nikki nudged him. “Hey, I was talking to you, or at least at you.”
“Sorry?” David mumbled.
“You okay?”
“Just having a minor breakdown. Nothing to worry about.”
“Yeah right. You’re not going to do anything stupid are you? ‘Cause our resident genius used up this year’s allocation of stupid already and took a loan out of next year’s as well.”
David smiled a little. Leave it to Nikki to be that blunt. “I might do something a little stupid but it’s something that I think needs to be done. I just really don’t want to do it.”
“Ah, hell, David, you just described the human condition. If we were smart we would have stayed in the trees but some dumb monkey probably dropped something and had to climb down to go get it.”
“Stupid but necessary.”
“Yep.”
David took another swallow of his tea. ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid.’
~
David knocked on Charlie’s door. He’d decided to put this off until the last minute. He’d swing by home after this then straight to the airport. Charlie opened the door.
“David.”
“Hi. Can I come in?”
“Of course.” David looked Charlie over. He looked tired. They hadn’t spoken much since that night except for the occasion text as proof of life.
“I... um, I don’t have long but I wanted you to know I’m taking a little trip.”
“Where?”
David shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t be long. No more than a week. I think it’ll help.”
Charlie raised an eyebrow. “You checking in somewhere?”
“Only a mid range hotel.”
“Okay.”
“I just wanted you to know I’m not just going for me. I’m trying to get myself back together for us. You’ve been fighting so hard and I feel like I’m dropping the ball here.”
Charlie took David’s hand. It was warm, soft and dry. “Do what you need to do for you.”
David pulled Charlie into a hug their bodies molding against each other. He took a deep breath of Charlie’s sent as Charlie snuggled into his chest.
“Do you have to go now?”
“Yeah, I have a flight to catch.”
“Can I get a kiss before you go?”
David tilted Charlie’s face up to his. “Always.”
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